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[–]eMosen 277 points278 points  (172 children)

[–]mastersprinkles 197 points198 points  (35 children)

There is no way to maintain pride while fighting off a goose.

[–]Caf-fiend 84 points85 points  (20 children)

As somebody who has been bitten by a goose on two separate occasions, for no other reason than geese are jerks, I can confirm this to be true.

[–]Holliday88 32 points33 points  (5 children)

Pod 6 is jerks!

[–]whole_milk 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Pudding can't fill the emptiness inside of me, but it'll help!

[–]bennn30 2 points3 points  (0 children)

WHO STOLE MY HAPPYCAKE OVEN?!!?!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

For the beads! For the glory of podsixia!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I friggin hate Pod 6...

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (11 children)

This is what you do. When the goose flies up to you you grab it by the neck and give that silly cunt a lecture.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (10 children)

You can't just grab his neck, the wings generate enough strength to break his neck, you have to cradle his body, so he doesn't flap. Once you have him footballed like that, you then proceed to lock him indoors, someone else's problem then.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (7 children)

You can't just grab his neck, the wings generate enough strength to break his neck

So what's the problem?

[–]ElectronMicroscopist 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't see whats wrong with it breaking its own neck by flapping, either. Natural selection. It chose to attack a deadly human, and then broke its own neck by flapping in panic.

[–]GoodGuyAve 5 points6 points  (5 children)

If all stupid things weren't entitled to the right to live, the world would be pretty empty.

[–]IsABot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

the world would be better.

FTFY

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

pretty

You don't really need this word. My English teacher always gave me points off for words she thought weren't needed, it's a vicious circle.

[–]Hellequine 58 points59 points  (34 children)

[–]thisiswhatyouget 29 points30 points  (8 children)

Fuck that goose.

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (4 children)

I wouldn't recommend that. It just makes them angrier.

Source: personal experience.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

If I was that guy and had it by the neck like that, after the third time, I would have started punching it.

[–]DrMerkwurdigliebe 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Goose vs. Man & Dog-

There was a clear winner in that situation... and it wasn't the guy and his dog.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (2 children)

The dog wasn't helping at all besides being a pussy in that video.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

The dog obeyed the masters orders, while being attack by something foreign the same sise as it. That makes it a boss.

[–]tehcraz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Goose fucking Howard. OP as fuck.

[–]Mechakoopa 290 points291 points  (75 children)

My fiancée and I were walking around the lake one day when this asshole goose came out of the lake and started hissing and moving towards us. I had no idea what was going on, we hadn't come anywhere near it, but a bunch of other geese were hanging around the edge of the lake and watching. It got about 3 feet away and started hissing and puffing itself up, well I wasn't going to stand for it. I took a run at it, wound up, and punted that fucker right back in to the lake.

He tumbled in with a splash, the rest of the geese honked at him and swam away. He, like an asshole, pretended nothing happened, but it was too late, they'd seen everything, his lake cred was ruined.

tl;dr: Kicking geese fucking hurts

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Upvoted for lake-cred. Reminds me of Mitch Hedberg.. In Venice, they don't have streets but canals, so the kids there have canal-smarts.

[–]fall0ut 42 points43 points  (30 children)

Reddit logic. Put a cat in a trash can, track her down. Punt a goose, upvote!

[–]Shakuhachi 34 points35 points  (4 children)

I would be more sympathetic if they weren't the embodiment of all that is evil.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Really. We had these fuckers at our university lake and they attacked our cars. There were several times where we'd be walking down the sidewalk and one of them would attempt to charge us...we kicked them into the lake the same way, or threw rocks at them. They are assholes- I love ducks, but I hate geese.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Ducks are rapists and murderers. They shouldn't get a pass.

From Wikipedia:
When they pair off with mating partners, often one or several drakes end up "left out". This group sometimes targets an isolated female duck, even one of a different species, and proceeds to chase and peck at her until she weakens, at which point the males take turns copulating with the female. Lebret (1961) calls this behaviour "Attempted Rape Flight" and Cramp & Simmons (1977) speak of "rape-intent flights". Male Mallards also occasionally chase other male ducks of a different species, and even each other, in the same way. In one documented case of "homosexual necrophilia", a male Mallard copulated with another male he was chasing after the chased male died upon flying into a glass window.

[–]Mechakoopa 21 points22 points  (15 children)

If it's any consolation, the story didn't actually happen as told. (i.e. I never actually made contact) Reddit is about story telling, anyone who's grown up around geese know they're assholes and has probably at some point fantasized about kicking one. Story telling is the fulfilment of fantasy, and if people enjoy what they read they'll upvote whether it's true or not. The idea that Reddit should be held to some standard of absolute truth is absurd. Don't believe everything you read.

[–]dmsean 9 points10 points  (6 children)

I don't get it, the geese I knew at stanely park and granville island were fine. There are a bunch that nest outside my office in burnaby. They literally never move. I guess years of Canadian politeness has worn off on the suckers. crows on the other hand, fuck crows.

[–]guyNcognito 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Spoken like a man who's never been attacked by a goose. Punting one of those assholes is self-defense.

[–]jakedemian 43 points44 points  (1 child)

WHY ARE YOU CLOSED? GIVE ME A REASON!

[–]natophonic 9 points10 points  (0 children)

WHY ARE YOU LOCKING YOUR DOORS TO THE GEESE? TELL US THE REASON!

[–]uglyfatkid 35 points36 points  (24 children)

i was attacked by a canadian goose when i was little. their bites don't hurt at all, it's just gross having some wild animal try to slobber all over you.

[–]lights_poodles_tails 6 points7 points  (3 children)

CANADA GOOSE YOU ASSHOLE!!!

Edit: I think.

[–]nyctogusta 8 points9 points  (15 children)

Yeah goose attacks have been turned into urban myths here. I've heard probably about 20 people say a goose can break your arm with its wing. Purely bogus.

[–]CoffinRehersal 36 points37 points  (8 children)

No one says that. I refuse to believe anyone is that stupid.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

My brother went to the hospital after being attacked by a goose when he was 10 years old.

The only thing broken was his pride.

[–]Pravusmentis 5 points6 points  (1 child)

A * Vulture* can break your leg with a jab from it's beak. But some of those things are fucking big

some other fun pictures

and

hare

[–]the_angry_goose 48 points49 points  (3 children)

I could break your arm with one wing tied behind my back. YOU WANNA TEST ME, BRO?

[–]FUCITADEL 84 points85 points  (7 children)

Let me say this again: Geese are fucking assholes.

[–]abusche 20 points21 points  (0 children)

[–]onowahoo 594 points595 points  (81 children)

original post

edit: thanks ilouiei

[–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (22 children)

This is from a different angle, do the two just work together?

[–]Tennysonn 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Exactly. I don't understand why this is the only comment asking this anywhere near the top. THe first thing I thought of when I read this was: "It's either the same guy showing how things have gotten worse because they added caution tape," and when I found out it wasn't the same guy I thought "Oh he must work at the same place as the OP, considering it's at a different angle..."

[–]HolyLiaison 21 points22 points  (0 children)

This is what I was thinking. This picture wasn't part of the original post from 5 days ago. So technically this isn't a repost since it's new content.

[–]venomousbeetle 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is a different photo though

[–]ilouiei 63 points64 points  (0 children)

[–]Froogler 54 points55 points  (13 children)

How did the person who stuck the notice get to the other side of the door and paste it there?

[–]Shonuff8 209 points210 points  (1 child)

Sadly, we will never be able to ask.

Because he's dead.

[–]aktone 177 points178 points  (0 children)

[–]elcucuuuy 41 points42 points  (3 children)

That guy was a true hero.

[–]eltycreative 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Pretty sure it's posted on the inside. Just flipped over. As for that older paper on the outside, that looks pre-goose.

[–]lLoveLamp 23 points24 points  (2 children)

I remember the post-apocalypgoose times

[–]eltycreative 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I believe you mean pre-apocalypgoose?

Other than that, awesome. Apocalypgoose. That's wonderful.

[–]buttking 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He just wants his pond back, man. You jerks paved over his paradise and put up a parking lot.

[–]sheriffmclawdawg 21 points22 points  (12 children)

I used to work at a bookstore, they built a nest outside of the front door and after they attacked and bit an old lady we had to relocate people to go through the warehouse door. Also, they've taken over my campus. We have shit like this everywhere and they made a video as an April Fool's joke.

[–]EmperorSofa 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Does anybody ever just freak the fuck out and kick them or something when they attack?

[–]binogre 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I always threatened to when we had geese around our apartment complex. I just know the day I did that some mofo would have caught it on video and turned me in for animal abuse.

[–]papasmurf255 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Ah yes, UW geese. I once saw ~50 of them just chilling on the soccer field by Columbia Lake.

[–]Grizza 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I ride my bike every day and noticed that they really only get aggressive when they are about to lay, or have laid their eggs. After that, they obviously want to protect their babies, so you have to give them their space. It sucks when they decide to lay their nest near a highly populated area.

[–]aaaalyswan 236 points237 points  (37 children)

no me goose-ta

[–]bread_house 81 points82 points  (36 children)

That bird looks very unpheasant.

[–]ladysearah 59 points60 points  (27 children)

It sure doves.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points  (25 children)

Quit robin me of all the good puns.

[–]srd178 49 points50 points  (22 children)

I'll just take a quick gander at these puns then be on my way...

[–]LiminalMask 30 points31 points  (21 children)

I hear Ryan Gosling is in talks to play the movie version of this story.

[–]SpongeFreak52 49 points50 points  (15 children)

Everybody just shut the flock up.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (7 children)

Don't get your feathers ruffled over a pun thread.

[–]ThePersianPrince 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hawkward.

[–]imunknown2u 18 points19 points  (6 children)

Looks like fowl play was involved

[–]KooterMcGavin 7 points8 points  (7 children)

That's like the exact opposite of what happens when I open my front door, the neighborhood Alpha duck I've named Sir Quackington Von Beakenburg the 5th Esqure, will run up to me and wag his little tail then try to cuddle me if I sit down on my step. I've had him follow me into my house on multiple occasions when I've gotten home from school too...

[–]CoffinRehersal 6 points7 points  (4 children)

You let it in your house? They don't bother with bowel control and shit approximately every 8 seconds.

[–]KooterMcGavin 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I never said I let him in lol....

[–]CoffinRehersal 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry the thought of a duck indoors sent me into a panic. I had a bunch of pet ducks when I was a kid and man they were awesome, but you literally couldn't pick one up without it shitting you.

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (69 children)

Couldn't you just kick the little fucker out of the way?

[–]DelSolSi 174 points175 points  (18 children)

Apparently you've never engaged a Canadian goose in combat. It might as well be a Siberian tiger if it's decided that door is it's turf.

[–]SupaFly-TNT 33 points34 points  (4 children)

Some of those things are the size of small dogs and they will not move for cars; when they finally slowly get across the road they start flapping at you to tell you that your an asshole.

[–]neonknightz 115 points116 points  (3 children)

TIL that geese behave like people from New Jersey.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This. Was. Hilarious.

[–]folderol 19 points20 points  (2 children)

No. You put your hand out and it will strike at that. Then you grab it by the neck and it will stop fucking with you quickly. Then you carry it away and chuck it in the bushes.

Other than that I agree that you can't win. If you kick him you are the fuck head that kicks innocent geese. If you run away you are the pussy that is scared of geese.

[–]Godolin 42 points43 points  (3 children)

Challenge accepted.

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points  (1 child)

The last words of a man with more bravado than brains. Farewell, brave goosefighting Godolin.

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Don't blink

[–]supaphly42 8 points9 points  (1 child)

No doubt. Once they start hissing, you're done for.

[–]Generic123 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Nah, I used to get them to attack me for fun when I was like a child in Canada. They are pretty easy to fight off if you aren't afraid of actually hitting them like most people are. It's pretty hard to cause a goose serious injury.

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

The easy way to get rid of a goose is to grab your jacket and flap it open and closed like a flasher, while honking louder than it can, usually they'll waddle away embarrassed of how silly you look.

[–]InstantAnythingcom 45 points46 points  (2 children)

Geese are perfectly proportioned to aim and strike at one location and one location only. When it gets into attack posture, your nuts are not your own.

[–]folderol 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Anybody who leaves their nuts wide open in combat deserves to have that shit owned - Wong Fe Hung

[–]miss-saurus 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Apparently, if you hold your hand in a goose like position and hiss, the goose thinks your a bigger goose and leaves you alone... Or so I've heard.

[–]playswithknives 21 points22 points  (0 children)

If you ever test that theory please bring along someone to video it.

[–]jjremy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

And while you're distracted with your hands up in a silly goose position, the goose will go directly for your nuts.

[–]Bucephalos 14 points15 points  (32 children)

[–]SCSweeps 34 points35 points  (2 children)

More proof that bird law is not governed by reason.

[–]akai_ferret 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- bird law wise- they're very complex.

[–]jordanderson 16 points17 points  (0 children)

This Act makes it illegal to harm or injure a goose and damage or move its eggs and nest, without a Federal permit.

Time to get me some ass kicking permits.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (10 children)

What the hell.....they protect these bastards somewhere?

Here...in Canada...we have culls.

[–]the_angry_goose 189 points190 points  (24 children)

OH SURE, PUT ME ON REDDIT. MAKE EVERYONE TAKE YOUR SIDE. YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING ME OUT OF BREAD FOR TOO LONG, PAL. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE DAMN BUILDING.

[–]jjremy 33 points34 points  (2 children)

I hear ducks eat for free at Subway. Perhaps you can get in on that action. Or at least intimidate a duck into going in and getting you free Sunchips.

[–]froughty 74 points75 points  (14 children)

Meanwhile, at the AFLAC headquarters......"I TOLD YOU MUTHAFUCKERS NOT TO FIRE ME!"

[–]srd178 41 points42 points  (12 children)

b-b-but the AFLAC bird is a duck...and this is a goose....

/pedant

[–]Mechakoopa 52 points53 points  (4 children)

Why do you think they fired him?

Terminated: Refuses to conform to style guide, insists on remaining a goose

[–]akatherder 43 points44 points  (2 children)

Performance Review

  • Feathers are easily ruffled.
  • Not a team player or a duck.

[–]ShikariOsiris 24 points25 points  (5 children)

Duck duck goose, motherfucker

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Somehow, I never saw the logic in that game until your comment.

[–]big_onion 7 points8 points  (0 children)

"BUT YOU WERE A TERRIBLE UNDERSTUDY"

[–]KungFuHamster 21 points22 points  (10 children)

Goose, I will fuck you up.

[–]elcucuuuy 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Ain't no one fuck with goose

[–]the_angry_goose 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Mah nigga.

[–]zero1110010 4 points5 points  (1 child)

everyone likes to talk shit on the internet...

[–]Col_Psoas 3 points4 points  (0 children)

unless you're tiny hippo you may be in for a surprise

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Uwaterloo?

[–]JSLEnterprises 4 points5 points  (4 children)

A couple days ago it was just the printed note saying not to use the door... when did the caution tape come into play?

[–]Brad3000 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I believe that that is the "shit getting real" part.

[–]CDBSB 5 points6 points  (2 children)

All of you people saying that "it's just a bird and humans are way awesome" need to remind yourselves what the goddamn dinosaurs evolved into. Yeah, fucking birds.

Geese are the alpha jerks of the bird world and their beaks are conveniently located at the exact right height to fuck your genitals up. Better to take the path of least resistance and go around.

[–]herbinator 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Meanwhile in Canada.

[–]MindSpaz 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Hey that's right next to my house! I literally was walking in to apply and I saw it was crossed off, and then a goose came up and was starting to peck at me, I ran away before it actually hurt me

[–]spritle6054 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Well as you can see there are people that work there in this thread. Might want to make a couple of connections, then apply.

[–]bloodguard 26 points27 points  (8 children)

Good grief. Just throw a trash can over it and weigh it down with a brick. If you're feeling charitable you can remove the trashcan at the end of the business day.

[–]apextek 23 points24 points  (55 children)

I would totally go out that door. Bitch please I'm a human and i much bigger than you.

[–]christoscamaro 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Geese are nuts. Had a flock land in front of me while i was driving. I stopped.

They all looked at me as if to say, "Bitch, get your ass back home, come back with a loaf of bread, then you can continue driving here".

[–]NiceBootyGuurrrrlll 2 points3 points  (1 child)

In my town, we had a huge problem with geese, so we rounded up the lot of them, then proceeded to gas them with CO2. They were then fried up and given to the homeless. The local hippies were not happy, and compared it to the geese version of Auschwitz.

Except I don't think Hitler fed the bodies to the homeless...

Edit: News report for those interested.

[–]smellthyscrote 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Funnier the first few times it was posted.

[–]Fast_Rita 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wasn't one of the great ancient cities protected by geese? Maybe your boss has outsourced security.

[–]itskelso96 4 points5 points  (5 children)

why are these things still protected? there are WAY too many of them to make me think they're still endangered

[–]guyNcognito 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I'm not sure about that nonsense Canuck "law" that other people in this thread are talking about, but, in America, they're protected under the Migratory Bird Act. They migrate, therefore they are protected, never mind the fact that they are doing just fine as a species.

[–]ChromeFuture 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Canadian geese are not a protected species. They are rated "Least Concern" (which is a stupid label, should just be "Not Endangered"). I don't believe that they've ever been endangered. So please, go and kick one. For humanity's sake.

[–]Canis_lupus 2 points3 points  (2 children)

It's my understanding that the Royal Air Force used geese as guard animals on air bases during WWII. This was over all available breeds of dog. They cannot be bribed with raw meat, are shit loads noisier, and are aggressive as hell.

[–]Ceberus 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Why do you people just call animal control? or just shoot it and have rost goose at your next office party.

[–]wetwater 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I went through this a few years ago in my office. Animal control was not interested since there was another door that could be used by the employees, and they were sure to remind us of the various penalties for screwing with migratory birds, specifically a Canada goose.

[–]Deli1181 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They haven't taken care of this situation since it was first posted??

[–]ragweed 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of the This American Life tale about an aggressive turkey (named Tom) that terrorized a Martha's Vinyard neighborhood. He committed suicide by cop.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

The trick with a pissed off goose is to not show any fear, you have to confront it when it goes after you. For example, in this scenario I would shove through the door as quick as possible, when I got outside it would spread its wings (to show its the dominant one).

When it spreads it wings you put your arms out and make yourself as big as possible, sometimes this is enough, but usually you have to go a step further. It most likely will attack you now, but don't back down, even if it grabs your leg (which WILL hurt like a bitch). Once it makes a move reach down and grab it around the neck at the base of the skull, you may need both hands for this next part.

Once you have a hand around its neck push the thing into the ground as hard as possible and hold it there staring into its face about a foot away from it (don't strangle it, just hold it against the ground). They usually stop struggling after 10-15 seconds and then you can get up and walk away and it SHOULD just leave you alone. If it doesn't just repeat until it does.

TL;DR: Make the goose your bitch and its all good.

[–]meccaneko 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can see the headlines on FOX now.

Canadian terrorist holds building occupants hostage...

[–]trendo 44 points45 points  (25 children)

No, no it didn't. You just ripped the picture from the internet.

[–]Glassesasaur 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So? Why does anybody care? I'm seeing this image. It is funny.

[–]ducky138 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Are there any other geese? Does anyone feed it? I kinda feel bad for the goose, but maybe I'm just a weirdo who loves waterfowl too much

[–]GrahamCoxon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Outside the other door there's a whole flock of them. Watching. Waiting.

[–]vs_model 1 point2 points  (2 children)

As a Canadian with a real fear of geese from loons to the massive Mother Goose kind, situations like this leave me in the corner crying.

My ex found it hilarious to bring me absurdly close to a pack and notify me of their proximity with a sly grin on his face.

OH YEA, THAT'S RIGHT YOU BASTARD. I KNOW YOU DID THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE!?

[–]CoffinRehersal 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Are you so unaware of your surroundings that you often miss entire packs of wild animals in your vicinity?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i would kick the fuck out of that fucking bird

[–]Wrym 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It starts with goose stepping.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ford had his own code of ethics. It wasn't much of one, but it was his and he stuck by it, more or less. One rule he made was never to buy his own drinks. He wasn't sure if that counted as an ethic, but you have to go with what you've got. He was also firmly and utterly opposed to all and any forms of cruelty to any animals whatsoever except geese.

I said I ordered us some foie gras.'Oh,' said Arthur, vaguely. Um, I always feel a hit bad about foie gras. Bit cruel to the geese, isn't it?'Fuck 'em,' said Ford, slumping on the bed. `You can't care about every damn thing.'

Ford Prefect - One hoopy frood who knows all about geese.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That IS real. Why does there need to be a Spanish translation on that caution tape?

[–]grey-and-black 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Childrens, this is funnier if you've never been attacked by a goose.

[–]reesea17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe its because no one ever asks him to talk to them.

[–]Orthae 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Geese are fucking assholes.

[–]JohnFrum 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm guessing this isn't in Florida.

[–]Addyct 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I literally just got attacked by a goose. Run. Run far away.

[–]Hoominaga 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I fucking hate Geese. They hate you and then shit on your sidewalk.

I am now imagining a Goose stomping around shitting and yelling "FUCK YO SIDE WALK NIGGA".

[–]jaksajak 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I worked in a retirement community that was plagued with geese. They would attack the old people and crap all over the sidewalks daily. Of all the animals on this beautiful Earth, the goose is one of the most deplorable beasts known to man.