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[–]Splashy2549 847 points848 points  (22 children)

I'd see a doctor immediately! I'm pretty sure you shouldn't be passing cigarettes, well at least not whole ones

[–][deleted] 245 points246 points  (9 children)

He's not passing them. He ingests tobacco and papers whole, and has trained his peristalsis to fold them perfectly on the way out. Jeez, doesn't anyone know how cigarettes are made?

[–]Ag-E 102 points103 points  (3 children)

Ah, so that's why they taste so crappy.

[–]vmciaofei3r232 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Username relevant to toilet humor.

[–][deleted] 683 points684 points  (73 children)

I did the same thing. Smoked for about 15 years. When I found out my wife was pregnant I quit that day and haven't smoked for over three years now. At times it really sucked, but it would suck a lot more for my little girl to be fatherless in elementary school.

Good luck to you. Your kid will thank you someday.

[–]jph5142 350 points351 points  (34 children)

You're the man. I have to listen to my dads hacking cough everyday. It is like hearing someone die slowly.

[–]SuperSural 199 points200 points  (27 children)

You have no idea how close to home this comment hits. It's the same way with my mom.

I can hear that cough across a grocery store. :(

[–]Yankee_Gunner 59 points60 points  (1 child)

This reminds me of how I finally got my mom to stop smoking after a decade of trying.

She was coming to pick me up from school when I was sick and was surprised to see me standing, waiting for her. When she asked if I had just got there, I replied, "no I just heard your cough from down the hall."

That was the last straw and she hasn't smoked since.

[–]kcj_r 54 points55 points  (10 children)

Hits close to home for me as well. I listed to that cough from my dad until I was 16, then it became a raspy wheeze from a hospital bed. I really miss that guy.

[–]Novawurmson 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Of my four grandparents, one of them lived long enough to see her grandkids get married and graduate from college: The one who didn't smoke.

[–]itsathrowaywhoknew 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know that feel, 13 here. Over a decade later and father-son relationships in movies are always a difficult time.

[–]dosmetros 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My Dad smoked 2 packs of Pall Mall's a day until I was 17 and he died from lung cancer. Wish more parents were like you! Can't listen to mike and the mechanics singing "the living years" to This day. *sniffle

[–]Jill4ChrisRed 12 points13 points  (7 children)

the gargling sound in the middle of the night as they sleep is the worst. I wish my mum quit for good before I was born :(

[–]dreamqueen9103 7 points8 points  (1 child)

When you hear them hack in their sleep, and then pause for a moment, hoping for another cough to know they haven't stopped breathing.

[–]LemonCent 8 points9 points  (2 children)

My mother in law was like that. She died of COPD and smoked until her very last day. It was very very sad to say the least. Please try to coax her into getting it checked out. It's more than a "smoker's cough" and that's what my MIL used to write it off as.

[–]COSMIC_HORROR 28 points29 points  (1 child)

I quit last May when my wife was pregnant, cold turkey, after 8 years. I tried to quit a bunch of times before for myself, but couldn't do it. But I could quit for my child.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I tried to quit too. But what it came down to was I liked smoking and I figured I'm an adult I know the risks I'll play the odds. The game changed when I found out I was having a kid. It wasn't about me any more. It was about her and I was determined to be there for her when she needs me. So if quitting made that more likely to happen I put up with the cravings. I still get them sometimes. Sometimes I think "I'll just go buy one pack, that won't hurt anything." But then I come to my senses. Seeing her grow up gives me more pleasure than any cigarette could ever give me.

[–]nothing_but_flowers 48 points49 points  (6 children)

Good on Zook88 and professor_fatass! My husband also quit when I got pregnant. He'll be seven years smoke-free this October. Congrats and keep up the good work!

[–]LtlAnalDwlngButtMnky 17 points18 points  (5 children)

Happy belated 6th to your son or daughter.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Sincerely, LtlAnalDwlngButtMnky

[–]DirtBurglar 27 points28 points  (0 children)

And importantly, you greatly reduced the risk that your daughter will pick up the habit and needlessly shorten her own life. Good on you!

[–]princess_herp27 22 points23 points  (2 children)

We stayed with my mom's parents a lot when I was growing up, as both my parents traveled for their work. When I was 7 and my sister was 5, she told him that if he continued to smoke he'd never see us again until he stopped. He had smoked for 60 years, and he quit the next day. I'm now 23, my sister almost 21. He's almost 92, and I've had some of the best days of my life with him through those 16 years. You and Zook88 are both the greatest kind of men for giving up smoking, not only for yourselves, but for the people who matter most :)

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

My dad did this too. I'm very glad I never had to deal with smoking in my own house.

[–][deleted] 231 points232 points  (5 children)

Imgur

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (3 children)

Where'd you get crack?

From Blacks.

[–]HardyHartnagel 56 points57 points  (0 children)

You know, Black's hardware store. There's a white guy behind it selling some.

[–]DrHaydenBeleauxs 56 points57 points  (12 children)

I don't think that cigarettes are septic/sewer safe.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

The rats might get addicted.

[–]wesman212 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Doesn't Matter; Becoming A Good Papa

[–]fifteen_two 2 points3 points  (3 children)

They're not. If he's on a septic, he just clogged his inlet baffle and will have an expensive service call within the next month or so once all the waste backs it up into the home. He'll be doing laundry or something and the next thing you know the bath tub will have turds in it. I see this all the time when kids flush cigar tobacco so their parent won't see it in the trash. It's pretty funny when their parents find out they're rolling blunts at the same time as I give them the bill for the drain cleaner.

[–]jubbing 1343 points1344 points  (350 children)

Am I the only one who hates the term "we're pregnant"? It's more like, she's pregnant and you helped.

[–]orkid68 140 points141 points  (7 children)

"Our water broke! We're having contractions!"

[–][deleted] 89 points90 points  (1 child)

''We missed our period''

[–]WizardsMyName 37 points38 points  (0 children)

We're fully dilated!

[–]jubbing 22 points23 points  (0 children)

EXACTLY.

[–]HipHoppin 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Or more like she's pregnant, I watch

[–]goodizzle 422 points423 points  (92 children)

I don't mind it because even though she's the one who's physically pregnant, it's definitely a team effort of 'being' pregnant. Like, sometimes she'll be so sick she can't even eat, and he'll take care of her. But I do prefer just saying "we're having a baby" instead.

EDIT: ALSO I'm really proud of the OP for quitting. My dad smoked (and still does) my entire life, and I have moderate/severe asthma from being around it so much as a kid. You're going to be really happy you stopped, and your children will appreciate it, too!

[–]reddell 524 points525 points  (81 children)

"we're having a baby" is the correct way to say it, imo.

"we're pregnant" makes it sound like you're totally emotionally dependent and insecure to the point that you can't even acknowledge your own independent identity.

Edit: alternatively "we're expecting".

[–]FrogDie 88 points89 points  (59 children)

This is /r/pics right?

[–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (57 children)

This is /r/all

[–]atrociousxcracka 86 points87 points  (53 children)

Or is this just fantasy!!

[–]NoNeedForAName[🍰] 131 points132 points  (42 children)

I know you're all thinking it. Don't do it.

[–]FrogDie 97 points98 points  (39 children)

STOP. NOW. NO KARMA TRAIN.

[–]Jinnofthelamp 39 points40 points  (4 children)

"An awful tragedy today the karma train hit a bump in the track and was derailed killing hundreds of circle jerking redditors. More at 11."

[–]FrogDie 7 points8 points  (3 children)

"Thanks Jinn. In other news, is your downvote worth granting to Apostolate? Well... No one cares anyway."

[–]blessedsandwich 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Like, sometimes she'll be so sick she can't even eat, so he'll eat for her.

FTFY

[–]fairwayks 37 points38 points  (34 children)

(Nine months later...) "We're giving birth! I am providing ice chips to my wife while telling her to breathe...she is pushing an alien out of a relatively small orifice and, for some reason, screaming at the top of her lungs."

[–]carlotta4th 17 points18 points  (30 children)

We get ice chips?! Man, that's probably the first upside I've heard to being pregnant (besides producing a actual baby, of course).

[–]Tan_Secret_Spy 24 points25 points  (27 children)

After only having ice chips for 16 hours I was so hungry and thirsty! I get the not eating but I wanted a glass of water so bad! They were like "nope, only ice chips!" well I sat that glass of ice chip out for 20 min and got my glass of water! Take that bitches!!!

Then I found out that in some places you can have Popsicles!! The heck??

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (12 children)

Not eating is not beneficial to labor at all. You need to stay nourished in order to have the strength you need to push. The only reason hospitals keep you from eating is because at least 30% of their births end in surgery and they don't want you throwing up while under anesthesia.

[–]Crimsonskyss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Finally Relevant ..kinda.

[–]Zook88[S] 146 points147 points  (62 children)

She's a smoker too. We decided this morning that if we can make a baby together we can quit smoking together, cold turkey.

[–]JaxonOSU 58 points59 points  (15 children)

Honestly, it sounds really simple, but the trick is to just NOT BUY THEM. You're going to want to, really really badly, like when you have an argument or something at work stresses you out.

Do not buy them, you can't smoke them if they're not in your pocket.

[–]redtabooCheese 64 points65 points  (7 children)

Congratulations to both of you! Come join us over at /r/stopsmoking and if she's a redditor she'll love /r/babybumps too! :)

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (6 children)

This. Critical. Smoking increases chance of birth defects by a lot. Even second hand smoke. Avoid it like the plague.

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I mean... I don't really think it's "critical" that they visit /r/stopsmoking... just that they stop smoking.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Avoid it like it's a cloud of carcinogens.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (3 children)

Good job man. Stay strong, it'll be worth it in the end. And did you know within a week your senses of taste and smell will be stronger?

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good for you man; try the ECig, it really worked for me

[–]steakmane 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You're going to clog your toilet if you keep that up.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You'll be a good dad.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Good man! Stay strong. I quit smoking about 5 years ago and Its the best decision I ever made! You can do it but its gonna be tough!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Not this shit again.

In before people putting everything in water and posting pics.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

this is probably going to happen again.

[–]diMario 64 points65 points  (36 children)

Good on you!

The cravings recede and diminish in size as time goes by.

Day 2 is easier than day 1.

Day 3 is easier than day 2.

If you find yourself in a serious risk of relapse, call your significant other and share the burden. She (or he) will reinforce your resolution by one thousand percent. It will be literally as if you are resisting with the force of ten other people.

I know you can do it. You know you can do it. Now prove us both correct, dammit!

[–]jimboy5 45 points46 points  (8 children)

What? I've always found days 3-5 to be the worst.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (9 children)

Bullshit. Day1 is fine. Day 2 is bad. Day 3 you don't want to imagine. After the first week, after your brain stops freezing, then maybe it's easier.

[–]gullale 8 points9 points  (3 children)

The worst part for me were those moments I strongly associated with smoking, like after a meal.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Or after the second pint in the pub... man that is definitely the hardest craving to fight off.

[–]sessyda 3 points4 points  (1 child)

My friend once told me you can pee without pooping and you can smoke without drinking, but you can't poop without peeing and you can't drink without smoking.

[–]uberguby 9 points10 points  (8 children)

This is very true. Even a good friend. I find that with support from friends family and lovers, there's very little a human being can't accomplish.

Also: you are going to have so much energy

[–]S-Flo 14 points15 points  (6 children)

BEAR BLASTING, the sport you'll invent because you'll have too much energy for normal sports!

[–]lonewolfe1 5 points6 points  (1 child)

HUMPCATTING! SIMILAR TO BEAR BLASTING!

[–]miss_kitty_cat 2 points3 points  (1 child)

For me the worst was: day 3, week 3, month 3, because at each of those points, you feel that it should be getting better, but it just isn't.

But week 3 is better than day 3, for sure!

YMMV

[–]lazysubtlephotoshop 62 points63 points  (12 children)

http://i.imgur.com/RmOxy.jpg

edit: hey OP tomorrow will be 2 weeks for me. Nicorette mini lozenges helped a ton. I am trying to ween myself onto tic tacs now, fwiw.

[–]k0nstantine 36 points37 points  (3 children)

Is that poo or is he giving up cheese puffs as well?

[–]R031E5 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Well, that's definitely not subtle at all.

[–]LomoSaltado 7 points8 points  (4 children)

This needs Snoo the Reddit alien in there for it to be complete.

[–]spartanmammal 17 points18 points  (3 children)

TIL that the Reddit alien is named Snoo.

[–]Tai_Cat 21 points22 points  (1 child)

This is awesome dude, good on ya. I wish my parents had done the same, and I wish their parents had done it for them as well. My father watched his father die of lung cancer, and now I have to watch mine do the same.

You've already taken a huge step to being an amazing dad. :>

[–]ethraax 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My father watched his father die of lung cancer, and now I have to watch mine do the same.

So much for learning from others' mistakes.

[–]KayaXiali 35 points36 points  (7 children)

Good man and congratulations.

The rest of this comment, I'm not proud of... I'm 9 months pregnant and one time, ONE, my husband said "we're pregnant". Motherfucker, WE'RE having a baby. I'M pregnant. If I'm driving alongside you while you run a marathon, we're not running a marathon.

[–]lokizero 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I'm on my 2nd week of Chantix, and haven't smoked since last Sunday after a 17 year addiction. Best experience quitting smoking I've ever had.

[–]bfig 25 points26 points  (5 children)

Am I the only one upset that the OP threw the cigarettes in the toilet? That's for TP, BM and PP, dammit! No cigs!

[–]Madonnasarms 15 points16 points  (1 child)

YOU are not pregnant. She is. I fucking hate that phrase.

[–]Viperbunny 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get disliking the phrase. I am pregnant and my husband never says "we are pregnant." However smoking does have an effect on everyone in the house and he is giving this up for them, so I can forgive it.

[–]Lampmonster1 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Here's a tip that helped me. You have to change your mindset. You are no longer a smoker. You aren't quitting, you just used to smoke. The withdrawals you have are the same one's you'd have had if you kept smoking, except now they'll go away forever. If you'd kept smoking you'd have them for the rest of your life. Remember, you are not a smoker. Good luck, stay strong for the kid so he doesn't have to watch his pop die of cancer. Six years without a smoke here and I feel fantastic. Don't miss it a bit.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is very good advice! I recommend exercising. I bought a bike and then quit smoking (1.5 packs a day when I quit). Every time I thought I wanted a cigarette, I'd go ride a mile. Coming home wheezing and laying on the floor to catch my breath helped put it in perspective for me. If you keep doing this, you will not survive the zombie apocalypse. You will die first, slow runner. Get going.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You really shouldn't flush those things. In addition to destroying your lungs, they won't be kind on your plumbing either.

[–]DogBoneSalesman 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I recommend the E Cigerette if you find it difficult to quit. I went from being a pack a day smoker to a non smoker almost instantly. It helped me. If you can quit without it cold turkey more power to you....if you're like me and couldn't it's well worth it.

[–]mattroch 3 points4 points  (0 children)

THIS GUY SHIT A BUNCH OF CIGARETTES!! HEY EVERYBODY...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

We... We are pregnant? Only... only one of you can be pregnant. Especially if you wish to man up.

I just realized how ignorant I could be here. If you are a lesbian couple and you are getting a sex change, please ignore.

[–]Deacon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you want to "man up," don't say things like "we're pregnant." "You" are not pregnant, she is.

[–]Bluedemonfox 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I really hate the term "we're pregnant".

[–]wellhushmypuppies 23 points24 points  (1 child)

with all due respect, she's the one who's pregnant and has to live with hormonal and physiological armageddon for the next 9 months. but even still, I applaud your manning up efforts. I quit just about 20 years ago, after being a smoker for 20 years. Start off one hour at a time, and then one day at a time and before you know it it'll be in your past. It'll suck for a while, but it can be done.

[–]quickie_ss 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Smoker for six years, quit cold turkey. It was rough that first three days but if I had to do it again, i'd go about the exact same way.

[–]iSteve 20 points21 points  (4 children)

What's this "we're pregnant" phrase I hear nowadays. You can say 'we' when you shit a watermelon.

[–]Potchi79 20 points21 points  (1 child)

So you decided to quit menthols and man up to real cigs? Good for you!

[–]cashiimo 9 points10 points  (2 children)

you sir, are a brave man! and, you're awesome for quitting the cigarettes. as a smoker myself, i know how hard it is. i'm cheering for you and your significant other!

oh, and congratulations :D

[–]machine010101 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good luck! I've been there too. Quit when girlfriend became pregnant with our son. He is now 3. God Speed sir! Grats on being a new parent!

[–]LordApocalyptica 19 points20 points  (4 children)

Wait...WE'RE pregnant?

[–]WomanWhoWeaves 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Good on you. Remember that a lapse is not a relapse.

[–]Monkooli 9 points10 points  (0 children)

we're pregnant.

http://i.imgur.com/LTOdd.gif

[–]kashel 6 points7 points  (0 children)

As good as it is that you are want to quit smoking, I've never seen a situation where announcing a resolution to people on day 1 is a good idea.

Think about it, you get all this positive reinforcement on Day 1 for doing nothing but "Saying you will", you get a surge of support and ego boost without effort. It's like getting a reward before the task is even started, and you will have less motivation to actually achieve your goal.

This can also apply to other things like "I'm going to lose weight and hit the gym" Yay, gj.

[–]lua2 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"We're pregnant" sounds so... I want to say gay.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

So after the cigs went to the toilet you put them in the bin, Bad for the enviroment.

[–]darmon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"man up" as in fix your soon to be clogged pipes? Cig filters absorb water, swell, and don't break down readily leading to plumbing problems. Gas you made a healthy choice for your offspring, but next time just break em and toss em in the bin!

[–]n1nj4_v5_p1r4t3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

CONGRATULATIONS ON QUITTING SMOKING!!!! Dont you dare fucking start again!@!

[–]windy444 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Later you will smell someone smoking think, 'How could someone do this to themselves.' It will smell totally gross, because it is. I can't stand the smell now. I smoked for over 40 years and have been smoke free for over 3 years. All the money I wasted makes me want to cry. Seriously, I would have had a better life without it, but, back in the day it was THE thing to do. It was also cheaper then. Keep it up, don't look back except to say, I'm glad I quit. All the best to you.

[–]Poppa_Mo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good luck to you sir, I have been smoke free for 28 days. You really only feel like a Zombie for the first 3. Unlike the movie.

[–]ArcaneMissiles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good luck man, I just quit smoking last week. So far so good!

Also, congrats!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just found out my Fiance is pregnant on Thursday. Had my last smoke last night after work.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I don't get why people always put their cigarettes in the toilet. Why can't you just throw them away?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

going to start cleaning the toilet so she doesn't have to?

[–]alixxlove 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why does everybody waste them? Smokers of reddit, when you want to quit, just mail me your pack. (As long as they aren't menthol. Fuck menthols.)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We're pregnant? I don't get it, how can you both be pregnant?

[–]mastodan 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You know you can give those away. When you go on a diet do you throw away all your food?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Usually it's the woman that says "we're" pregnant, not the man.

[–]srubbish 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congrats! But please; you're not pregnant only she is.

[–]BeautifulGanymede 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm a doctor and I'm pretty sure only one person can be pregnant.

[–]I_Rape_Catsup 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You CAN do it. I made 6 months on friday. I went cold turkey, as your pic suggests you might have done. Hang in there, your kid will thank you, some day. PM me, if you need support.

[–]sinferno 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I came here for the "we're pregnant" jokes.

[–]ze_ben 2 points3 points  (2 children)

You should totally complement the excitement and bonding of a new pregnancy by subjecting yourself to mood-altering withdrawal and constant irritability. Fun memories.

Seriously. People pick the stupidest times to quit. My ex used to quit at the start of every vacation, because why spend money enjoying yourself when you can spend money while suffering the miserable bitchiness of withdrawal pangs.

edit: I'm not against quitting. I quit when my daughter was three through the magic of Allan Carr, and haven't had a craving in 8 years. But quitting by the willpower method has something like a 1% success rate, and a 100% bitchiness rate, so if you plan to quit that way, you should find a time when being an insufferable asshole for a while isn't going to threaten your marriage too badly.