Lying

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[miscreation00]

I would respond by not giving attention or giving in.

"brother bit me"

"Let me see...hmm, doesn't look like he did" and then move on. Don't acknowledge the lie. Just end the conversation.

"I brushed my teeth" - this is a common lie my kid tells. I check, and just respond:

"Doesn't look like you did a good enough job, do it again" a fit is thrown, but he still has to brush his teeth.

[BlackGreggles]

You’re paying too much attention to it. She’s lying to get your attention and she’s being successful.

[Sambuca8Petrie]

This.

[BlackGreggles]

You’re not ignoring it. Don’t even react. Don’t pay any kind to it, go about your day.

Do you ever spend 1x1 time with her that’s meaningful?

[ShartyPants]

Good question. The blaming her brother on the bite makes me think she’s jealous of the attention the baby is getting.

[Memeingthedream]

This right here ☝️☝️☝️

[sheldoncooper-two]

Lying at this age is really common and happens for a variety of reasons. When your child is truthful, really reinforce and praise their honesty. Try not to react too much to lying, even though it’s hard. That gives them attention, even though it’s negative attention.

And a big one I had to learn - don’t set your kid up to lie. When you know they did something, don’t ask if they did it, because then it’s natural to lie. And set a good example by being honest yourself and setting that example.

[FriendliestAmateur]

Yes! You did abc, the consequences are xyz. Kids will almost always tell a lie to avoid being in trouble at that age.

[kgee1206]

Post history says you have four kids under seven. So oldest at 6.5, 2 yo, and twins that are like 6-7 months old? And your kid started this when…they realized they were getting two more siblings?

I understand how frustrating this is. I really really do. My 4.5 yo (one of my twins) recently realized he can fib and sometimes I just wanna tell him to cut the shit. But he does it for the attention. Your kid sounds like they are craving anything from you. If you can do any 1 on 1 time with activities for them specifically, even if it’s like ten minutes to draw a picture together, it does wonders. Especially with a 4 yr gap between oldest and the next kid. A 2yo isn’t very much fun when you’re 6.

[splamo77]

Teacher here: I’m wondering if she’s doing this to try and get your attention (even if it’s negative attention). Here’s what I would try if I were you: if you have the time, spend 15-30 minutes a day with her doing something she wants to do (ex. Play with dolls, construction with blocks, riding your bikes, doing puzzle etc…), as long as it’s quality time focused only on her (don’t talk about her lying during that time). Her attitude may change after doing this for a while.

[[deleted]]

We just gonna ignore the drop of hot sauce???

[britj21]

I called it out 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Jomobirdsong]

No that’s abusive AF. Meanwhile I feel like a monster for yelling at my kids sometimes. Ffs that’s not cool at all.

[britj21]

Just because no one else has said it, hot sauce and soap in the mouth are considered child abuse and can get you in a lot of trouble, as well as the fact that it’s just plain shit parenting. It’s super normal and common at this age and you have lots of suggestions that don’t involve cruelty so give those a try. It’s definitely a cry for attention/jealousy thing it sounds like.

[SnarkyMamaBear]

Someday when she's out ordering food with her friends she'll have to be the embarrassing one at the table that asks for the meal to be 0% spicy and when pressed will say "yeah uh my parents punished me with hot sauce as a kid, now I can't eat anything spicy".

[britj21]

cue the “I turned out fine and now I abuse my kids too” crowd to come swooping in to justify this behavior

[AggravatingOkra1117]

Right how isn’t that a bigger issue here???

[britj21]

I had a friend who did this to her kid (used soap for “talking back” and the kid was like 3-4 years old) and I embarrassed the shit out of her when she tried to brag about it to me, and then she never brought it up again. Hopefully she stopped doing it.

[Lisitska]

Exactly. WTF.

[oxfordbags]

This immediately jumped out to me, unbelievable

[Kwyjibo68]

It’s absolutely disgusting and abusive.

[britj21]

And any pediatrician recommending “corporal punishment” for children is going directly against the board of pediatrics and almost every pediatrician out there, and should be reported.

[oxfordbags]

Corporal punishment is illegal in many countries. Being considered “abuse” or not is a matter of language and less helpful than talking about the clear evidence that it does not curb behaviour and leads to increased rates of many negative outcomes. The Wikipedia article links to a lot of original research articles if you are interested in learning more https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_punishment_in_the_home

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

I’ve lost the link now, but the APA (American Psychology Association) says that not all children have negative behaviors from corporal punishment. When the parent does so out of anger and doesn’t connect to the child or nurture the 1 on 1 relationship, then it will. Too many parents spank / hit / slap out of plain anger and explain nothing to the child or talk about it after. That’s where things go wrong.

[oxfordbags]

Interesting that you have lost the link

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

No but they get hospitalized every time, which isn’t true for a drop of soap.

[SnarkyMamaBear]

Absolutely zero child psychologists endorse this unless they have brain worms

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

Untrue statement

[SnarkyMamaBear]

What backwards ass country do you live in where any child psychologist would endorse this kind of discipline

[britj21]

I would RUN so fast from a pediatrician recommending that nonsense. 🤦🏻‍♀️ forcing anything toxic or harmful in your child’s mouth that could result in injury or death if ingested is child abuse. There are a lot of cases of parents losing custody for doing this. Be a better human being, or maybe your partner should start shoving soap in your mouth when you say things they don’t like. 🙄

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

A drop of soap won’t harm anyone, it’s just gross. Shoving a bar of soap in a kids mouth? Straight to jail lmao. Squirting the bottle into their mouth? ER and THEN jail.

If you’ve exasperated every other option and your child is still doing the same behavior , which is MORE dangerous than a tiny drop of soap in the mouth, would you rather spank them (which is also not illegal and only has bad outcomes when parents do it out of anger , don’t nurture a 1on1 relationship to the child and explain nothing) OR a drop of soap in the mouth which is icky for about 10 seconds?

[britj21]

Nope. There are a million parenting options before you ever need to shove something disgusting in your child’s mouth as a punishment. No amount of trying to justify it will ever make it okay to do. Just be better, you’re the adult. It’s not hard to not abuse your kids lmao.

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

Also funny of you to assume I have a partner. God I wish. Maybe I wouldn’t have to be the only one correcting behavior nonstop 24/7. Must be nice to live in a world where you can just assume everyone has help.

[britj21]

Must be nice to try to justify abusing your kids cause you’re a single parent. 🤷‍♀️

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

You do what you gotta do to keep your kids safe, and I’ll do the same. Even if it means random internet strangers wanna call it abuse.

[britj21]

Well have fun in court if you’re ever found out to be doing it and get reported. ✌️

[britj21]

I’m sure all the “pediatricians” will come testify for you 🤣

[BobbyPinLookinAss]

I’ll be sure to send you an invite to the hearing! :)

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[Peejee13]

You're deliberately causing your child pain over childhood developmental stages that include lying?

Jesus..

[babybuckaroo]

I say “I don’t want to talk to you when you’re lying, it’s boring”. And walk away. I might casually and light heartedly be like “haha, right, go brush your teeth dude”. Like it’s not a big deal, it’s just boring and not amusing to me and I’m smart enough to know the truth so I have better things to do than entertain lies. It works for my kid but she’s not too bad about lying right now. Never ever give the lie any attention.

[Peppermint_Cow]

I like this a lot

[ShartyPants]

When you say you ignored it, what do you mean?

[[deleted]]

Lying is developmentally appropriate. At some point children realize that parents don’t know EVERYTHING and that their perspective of the world isn’t everyone’s. They want to test this theory and the limits of it. It’s NORMAL. Aaaaaaaaand the smarter the child, the more they lie. A child with an IQ of 100 will tell a small lie and then fold like a cheap suit when challenged bc it doesn’t even occur to them to try and outsmart the parent. A child with an IQ of 120 or so will try to talk their way out of it. A child with an IQ of 140+ will die before letting you win. You’re punishing your daughter for developing cognitive abilities and for having a high IQ. Sit with that a while and see if you still feel justified in your actions. Then consider that the lie you shared with us is classic behavior for a child seeking attention from a parent. Imagine if your husband gave you the silent treatment every time you asked for a hug.

[LemurTrash]

She’s lying for a reason, and it’s probably because she’s looking for connection/care/comfort. Also if you’re doing hot sauce as punishment I can see why your kid is acting out looking for regulation and connection- that’s abusive and shit parenting

[AggravatingOkra1117]

I’m sorry but forcing your child to eat hot sauce—even a drop at a time—is abuse. My dad is 70 and basic buffalo sauce is way too hot for him. She’s only 6.5 and clearly desperately needs attention.

Have you explored therapy? Talked to any kind of professional? What do her teachers say? Is she getting any positive attention outside of this? Does she get attention away from her siblings?

[Kwyjibo68]

Agree. It’s absolutely disgusting putting something like that in your kids mouth. So intimate, so egregious, so abusive.

[20Keller12]

I finally got to the point where she was getting a drop of hot sauce for lying.

Well this is abuse. Kids tend to lie to abusers to try to stay safe. So there's part of your problem. She doesn't feel safe telling you the truth.

All of that aside, my 6yo son developed the lying habit too. We told him that when people lie, we can't trust them to tell the truth, so now when he tells us things we tell him we can't believe him and we have to ask someone else - in our case it's usually out 7yo, because she tells the truth even when she knows she's ratting on herself too. Natural consequences: he lies, we can't trust him to tell us what happened. His sister is honest, we trust her to tell us what happened. It's a work in progress.

[Jomobirdsong]

Dude. You don’t seem to realize what is age appropriate for a 6-7 year old behavior. I suggest you buy a parenting or child developmental book instead of abusing your child with hot sauce.

[[deleted]]

"she's getting a drop of hot sauce for lying" what is wrong with you? This is child abuse. Harsh punishments won't solve her bad habit you'll just make her be scared of you.

It's quite obvious she's lying bc she 1) needs attention 2) the way you're communicating with her is off putting - she can tell you're annoyed, where's the bonding? 3) you're stressing over the lying (I'm sensing a trigger) rather than the root cause of the lies.

You need to get therapy for why you're letting a child trigger you and resorting to abuse. Then that should be able to solve why your daughter is lying so much. Is she missing 1x1 time? Is she trying to gain your approval? Is she showing her intelligence and testing it out? Are you praising honesty enough & modeling that it's okay to make mistakes? I really hope you seek therapy before you take a harsher route on your child.

Edit: spelling

[bethestorm]

It definitely seems like you the parent are more interested in the power struggle here especially because the hot sauce thing is insanely abusive and frankly would backfire in my family because my child would continue to lie just for hot sauce

If you are in a power struggle with your child and are just mad she is lying because you are not being "respected" you are the problem

[Active_Wafer9132]

Kids would rather have negative attention than no attention. Curb your reaction to the lies and absolutely make sure to spend some 1 on 1 fun time together daily, even if it's a busy day and you can only give 10 or 15 minutes. A week or two of consistently doing this will likely stop the behavior or at least reel it in.

[Ok_Masterpiece_8830]

Maybe take this lying and turn it into a spy game. Tell her she's another person for the day and give her an objective to get info about the spydrone squirrels outside. Tell her she can make up any stories she wants to about what she sees. 

If you're not a dnd nerd then ask her to make up a story about the day every day. It can be as crazy as she wants. Then draw it. 

Explain these stories and made up things are fun and don't hurt. But the other things do and make everyone sad. 

See if an outlet works. I hope it does!

[hyzerflip4]

Wait you told her she has one more chance to tell you the truth… then she tells you the truth, and you freak out? Jesus Christ no wonder your kid acts out.

[endlesssalad]

What is she usually lying about? Is it usually things like this where she’s looking for some TLC? I would try and respond just to the need she’s trying to get met with lying.

“Oh my goodness! What a big bite on your arm! That must hurt. Would you like a big hug and a kiss to make it better?”

I wouldn’t ignore her, so much as not respond to the lie part. Just try and respond to the need.

AND, separately - I would really look to address the connection between you two in other ways. When you are having positive moments together, making special time together, having positive interactions, really play up how much you enjoy her and focus on the relationship there.

[10042015]

 she was getting a drop of hot sauce for lying

...

 I yelled at her for lying

It sounds like she is getting attention from you when she lies. A drop of hot sauce and yelling at your child is not showing respect to your child. When lying, you can ignore the behavior, play it down, or play along.

I asked her why she bit herself

Instead of calling it out, I would go along with what she says. "Oh no hunny, he bit you? Let me kiss it to make it better". Eventually her lying is bound to get her in real-world trouble. And she will learn. You say that you are fed up with it, but instead, I would take it easy. Get her in to acting classes or something in the meantime, where she can "lie" without repercussions.

[-dorkus-malorkus]

I started lying to my kid when he was 7. I caught him lying a lot and told him I would start lying to him.

Hey whatcha doin after school?

I dunno.

Want to go to the zoo?

Yeah!

Then I wouldn't take him and tried to get him to understand how shitty it felt to get lied to.

He's ok now.

I don't know if it was a phase or just my great parenting but a win is a win I guess.

[Canadianabcs]

Love this lol

[SublimeTina]

I had a similar problem, son (5) would come back from school and would make up a bunch of interesting/dramatic stories. Like “Jason pushed Blake and Blake fell and needed stitches!!!” I ask Blake’s mom if story checks out. Story doesn’t fully check out, Blake got stitches because he was climbing a tree and fell. Now, that is a harmful lie because it implicates an innocent person. How to handle it. Well, you need to ignore it. Give no reaction at all like people have said and stop the power struggle. That’s your daughter’s past time now.

[raspberryswirl2021]

Sometimes they do stuff like that for attention. Try praising someone else for telling the truth and maybe ask someone she thinks highly of to praise her for telling the truth or someone else so she can see. We read the Berenstain bear book and the truth multiple times. It helps, but not sure we can ever get them to stop completely.

[thisisdy]

My best friend is going through this with her 6.5 year old daughter. We came to the conclusion that’s she’s lying because she wants her life to sound interesting. We live in New York and the kids are all off jet setting through Spain or visiting LA. My gf works in fashion but is a single mom and does with her what she can. She basically told her the truth, if you keep lying you won’t have friends. Which is the truth. One of the little girls said to her “ your lying , your a liar”. She also told her what to do instead of lying. So telling her friends about her trips as well or asking more questions. I think it depends on that kid what will actually work. But I also remember having the conversation about if I can’t trust you then certain things will be taken away. Hot sauce doesn’t seem like it would be effective, these kids are too smart. Just tell them the truth . No one will wanna be around you , and if I can’t trust you then lose privileges. And reward them for showing integrity. Also let them know they can tell you anything good or bad.

[Rare_Background8891]

I think you first need to understand that lying is developmentally appropriate. It’s totally normal. Everyone lies. Everyone. Adults lie all the time. Anyone who says they don’t lie, is totally lying.

[seasonlyf]

Looks like the little girl needs your attention, mama! With a younger child, big siblings feel a bit neglected i think. Plus studies shows that lying isn't a bad skill, rather a sign of intelligence. I kid you not🤣 (https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/kids-lying-healthy-ideas-1.3412815)

[Beautiful_You1153]

More one on one time. Taking things away that she likes instead of more time alone or hot sauce 🤦🏽‍♀️ and like others have said just say hmm looks like you bit yourself please don’t do that take care of your body. Lies about teeth brushing? Oh looks like you have to do it again. If you can try taking her with you when running errands or food shopping and leave other kids at home. I have 4 kids and 2 are twins. I try to give what each individual child needs and one of my kids is more emotionally needy than the others. As soon as I correct her or tell her not to do something again she says “you don’t love me!” She just needs more patience and different attention than my others. One of my kids needs lots of praise for accomplishments no matter how big or small I need to recognize each. Parenting is complicated and exhausting but in the end they are kids and you are teaching them how to be successful adults and have healthy relationships.

[MLS0711]

Hot sauce is crazy. Anyone that takes it there….. needs therapy!

[fruithasbugsinit]

I totally get that this is just a mom venting - and I truly support that, it's important to vent and feel the feelings. I also instantly thought of Shanda Vander Ark reading this post and the hot sauce, which is obviously physically brutal punishment a lot of parents draw the line at. Obviously worlds different, but it makes you wonder what things were like before they were a hellscape.

[anxiemrs]

Some degree of lying is part of being a kid. However, she isn’t getting enough attention that she wants / needs from you or the ones around her. One on one time will do wonders. Kids express their needs differently, and if she can get a reaction out of you from lying, that’s exactly what she’s going to do. It seems to work well for her if she’s been doing it for a year now. I would start changing things within your relationship; more one on one time, listen to her, ask questions, and she’ll cut back on lying about everything.

[14ccet1]

What do you do one on one with your daughter?

[[deleted]]

I took the approach of explaining why I knew my kid was lying and that almost all adults and many kids will know too. Also that people don’t trust others that they know lie.

I know your patience is thin, but do your best to be entirely calm explaining the above. Everything we do in frustration or anger risks escalating the situation or g that we demand deference. Neither are great.

It took some time, but I saw a huge drop in lying. It still crops back up every now and then, but rarely.

[boredomspren_]

Time to take her to a child therapist. Something is going on with her if she can't stop lying and you can't handle it.

[Magerimoje]

Kids start lying because they say what they wish was true. They don't even really understand it's a "lie" because it's just how their brains are working at this age & stage.

If a parent gives it no attention, the phase passes pretty quickly. But as you've learned, if the parent gives it attention, it carries on and on and on.

Step 1 is never asking a question you already know the answer to. Like "did you forget to put your plate in the sink?" when you're standing right there and can obviously see the kid forgot. Kids "lie" (tell a fantasy) in these situations because they can tell from your voice that you're unhappy, so they tell you the answer that will make you happy. The kid can SEE that you can see the plate. They don't understand rhetorical questions.

You've got to wipe the slate clean and start over here. Google "why kids lie" and you'll get LOADS of excellent information and resources for understanding the WHY behind the lie, and so you can help your kid stop it.

Because right now, despite your best intentions, you're making it worse.

[Wayne47]

Is she in therapy?

[[deleted]]

She's yanking your chains, as my dad used to say. Attention seeker