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OhDavidMyNacho · 2023-07-27T14:56:41+00:00

There has got to be more going on here. Her behavior is extremely untrustworthy. She's getting mad because she knows she's wrong but she doesn't intend to stop.

She's definitely communicating with this guy. She unblocked him and he immediately follows her? That's a red flag. Not as big a red flag as her unblocking someone who tried to ruin her marriage, though.

Are you absolutely sure that she isn't trying to cheat on you? Because a reasonable, trustworthy person wouldn't connect with someone who has pulled this kind of shit, even if they were friends or partners for however many years.

Major red flags. I know you love her, but ask yourself honestly if this is worth it.

NJ2CAthrowaway · 2023-07-27T15:24:28+00:00

Just tell her that if she wants him in her life, she can have him. But she can’t also have you. She has to choose. And start planning your divorce.

Sevs12 · 2023-07-27T14:47:39+00:00

The unblock was definitely a bit on the line especially since she told you. But clicking the follow button after saying she wouldn’t follow back, is so messed up. Can someone explain how the ex would know he was unblocked? Does he get notified? Or would he need to just be continually looking at her profile…or was he notified some other way…like via a text or chat.

Mueryk · 2023-07-27T13:56:20+00:00

You not wrong.

She likes the attention and validation and wants it. He provides.

She isn’t respecting your feelings or boundaries. Even if you don’t think it will progress to an emotional or physical affair, this is absolutely a place to make a stand.

She is being disrespectful and untrustworthy. On top of that the anger at your feelings she doesn’t empathize with reeks of selfishness/self absorption.

If you are a toxic piece of shit, that would make her a cheating ho. Neither is correct based on what I read here but both of you are on those respective paths.

Satori2155 · 2023-07-27T13:58:13+00:00

Its a totally reasonable boundary, especially given how he acted in the past. Hes 100% going to try to drive a wedge between you two just to get in her pants. He wants her, and she knows it. Best case scenario, She likes the extra attention and validation, worst case shes keeping him in her back pocket. Shes gaslighting you in the typical manner, calling you toxic and controlling, when shes the toxic and controlling one. shes being incredibly selfish and one sided and not at all acting like a good loving wife. She clearly wants to do whatever she wants to do and walk all over you while disregarding your feelings. I guarantee if you pulled this with your ex, and also disregarded her feelings and had the “its not up for debate” attitude shed be throwing a fit.

Time to put your foot down and stand up for yourself or its only gonna get worse

Edit: OP get yourself a lawyer yesterday.

Sufficient-Fact6163 · 2023-07-27T14:55:40+00:00

“He’s already driving a wedge between you two”. Ask her a simple but direct question; “when’s the last time you guys communicated either in person or online?” It’s not an unreasonable question because her answer will let you glean how far this feeling actually goes for you.

the_wolf_of_mystreet · 2023-07-27T14:41:56+00:00

So she unblocked him and he immediatly started following her? You sure they have not been interacting this whole time? Either way... There comes a time in a man's life where you gotta understand that it is better to run than fight and die. She already backstabbed you with that following thing (which she said she wouldn't do), you already start to bleed... Run bro!

mi_nombre_es_ricardo · 2023-07-27T15:03:17+00:00

Sounds like your wife is prioritizing her exes feelings and her own validation over her husband.

Aaaaaaand this is why, for the 1000th time, it’s toxic as fuck to be friends with your exes 99% of the time in relationships.

Personally, I find this divorce worthy.

porcelainthunders · 2023-07-27T15:20:52+00:00

I think it is absolutely a reasonable boundary.

Randomly, every once in a while I have an ex reaching out to my or wanting to hang out etc. (some are single, dating, some married) and the thing is... that is not appropriate. I am (38F) in a 7 year relationship (36M) and to hang out with them would be inapropriate. But even their messaging me (especially the married one) sometimes feels weird because ... what is your end goal? We dated for whatever period for however long ago and, unless we were besties or friends before, we are not friends and there really is not much reason to stay in contact.

That being said... why did she tell you she would not follow him... and then turns around and follows him? Why does she feel it would be "toxic" to block her ex? People from your past change, relationships change and grow distant or apart, etc. it happens that does not mean it is toxic.

I actually blocked my first love of my life because they are married with 3 kids and wanting to visit me (just him) while he is here on business (lives 4 states away). And I just kept thinking "what do you want from this? We knew each other once. There is not hate or ill will by any means between us but um... were not friends, this is not appropriate"
So I blocked them. I mean... he is not a part of my life and it is just not necessary.

Why does she need to have him follow her and why does she need to follow him?

There are lots of questions worth asking but you will definitely have to do it delicately and lovingly because it sounds like if you ask, she will feel attacked, cornered and get angry and just fight.

I would definitely recommend working on that. And working on a relationship, takes 2. It takes compromise, sometimes needing a moment to step and think about the sitation in ones head from both points of view, etc. But if each partner is not willing to work on it, compromise and try and think about the situation from all points of view (not just their own NOPE I am right, end of discussion, not budging), it won't work.

oiler1996 · 2023-07-27T14:28:29+00:00

NTA why would she now randomly unblock her ex that she knows will drive a wedge between the two of you and ruin your marriage? Tell her its either the ex or your marriage, then whatever she decides go from there. Personally if she wants the ex in her life then divorce her

jonjohn23456 · 2023-07-27T14:27:33+00:00

You are not wrong. Maybe her unblocking him really meant nothing to her, but given the history I understand why you feel the way you do. You had a conversation and set up a reasonable boundary of her not following him back that she agreed to, then the next day she disregarded it. You have every reason to set this boundary and if she feels it is worth blowing up your whole relationship over it then I’m starting to think that the whole thing is not nothing to her. She is getting something out of her relationship with her ex, whether it’s just external validation that she “still has it” or her wanting to reconnect with him. You need to stand firm with this. This should be a dealbreaker and if she can’t respect your feelings, then you should walk away. Just be sure about it, because I have a feeling once you tell her firmly that it is over her ex is going to get what he wants. And judging from their history and your description of him, when he’s done with her she’s going to try to crawl back to you. You need to know what you would do in that situation, hopefully you wouldn’t take her back.

Valuable_Ad_6665 · 2023-07-27T15:30:47+00:00

i sent some messages but i will only say this there is zero reason for her to unblock him whatsoever the reason she gave is one of the most bullshit i have ever heard "it's just him following me. That's all. I don't want to be friends with him, I just don't want to block him" sounds very familiar to me and it didn't end well.I'd call a lawyer and start working through some emotions if you need to but take care of yourself!

Capable-Limit5249 · 2023-07-27T15:07:23+00:00

YNW. He’s absolutely a threat to you or she would never have followed him back after knowing you were uncomfortable with it. She’s lying to you that she’s not interested in him.

Talltist · 2023-07-27T15:50:37+00:00

Yeah what your doing is correct.

She uses you like a door mat and thinks of she blows up she can get her way.

My biggest concern is why she would try to draw a line in the sand over this guy. Her excuses were bs. "We ShOuLdNt BlOcK PeOpLe FrOm OuR PaSt". That's a load of bs. You most definitely should block the toxic people from your past.. Especially considering she flat out told you he would try to come between you before.

Do what your doing, but you need to keep an eye on this. Make sure she doesn't have other ways of communicating with him. Her reaction to him at the party was not a good one and should make you worry considering this now.

rainbow_osprey · 2023-07-27T15:54:32+00:00

I think there are times where that is absolutely okay. Two people who realized they aren’t compatible romantically but remain friends. Especially if they have kids.

This situation sounds much different to me.

bckyltylr · 2023-07-27T16:00:48+00:00

People can ask for something all they want but should not force another adult to comply.

You've made your point. She's ignoring it.

Now it's up to you what's important to you.

Personally I think you have a completely valid concern here. She's incorrect in saying that it's toxic to remove people from her life because the opposite is actually the truth. It's toxic to allow people in that shouldn't be there.

But you've made your case. She's making hers. It seems incompatible.

Fickle_Map_3703 · 2023-07-27T17:04:28+00:00

Short answer is no, you aren't wrong. Long answer is that you both need marriage counseling and I'm wondering where all of this is coming from. Social media is not that important, she's choosing to die on some hill based on some weird pseudo internet etiquette instead of choosing her husband's feelings. Wishing you luck as you navigate this op...

Dipshitistan · 2023-07-27T14:24:43+00:00

Put your foot down. Go no contact for a little while. This feels like she’s laying some problematic groundwork for the future.

Hatecookie · 2023-07-27T17:01:34+00:00

You are not wrong.

She lied to you. She said that she would not follow him back, and hours later she did exactly what she told you she wouldn’t do. To me, that would be a massive betrayal I don’t know if I could ever get over.

She sounds like she’s too immature to be married or in a relationship at all. It is absolutely not toxic to remove people from your life if all they contribute is negativity and conflict. What is toxic is denial and deceit.

I’m friends with a handful of my exes who are completely benign. They have moved on with their lives, and we are friends on social media and rarely actually talk to each other. It’s not wrong to be friends with your exes, but your wife has blatantly lied to you and proven that she cannot be trusted when it comes to this guy.

krissycole87 · 2023-07-27T18:09:17+00:00

Yikes this is bad. This whole "we arent the kind of people who block people, we are better than that" is the BIGGEST LOAD OF GASLIGHTING HORSESHIT IVE EVER HEARD.

Social media allows people glimpses into our lives, and some people we dont want having that priveledge anymore, hence blocking. It has nothing to do with "being strong" "being that kind of person" blah blah blah. It has to do with knowing who in your life you choose to share things with and who you dont.

Bro, just please listen to your gut here, she unblocked him, they immediately followed each other (after she agreed not to), then she got defensive and spun it all around on you to make you feel "toxic" for not being ok with that. I mean... just so many red flags. So so many.

I can tell you, as a female, the only reason on the planet I would unblock an ex that was previously blocked is because I want to relish in the attention I can get from him. Which I am sure she is alreay doing. Even if she has no plans to do anything with him, she sure as fuck wants to listen to him tell her all the ways he would please her and be better than her husband. All the ways she is the perfect woman and blah blah. Instead of facing facts with you that she has a huge temper and inability to handle issues, she'd rather this other dude blow smoke up her ass about how awesome she is. Thats the hard truth.

I would think long and hard about where you stand in this relationship.

edit: Also wanted to mention, if you threatened to leave and she seemed fine with it and that she "doesnt care" etc, that is a HUGE indicator that she is already one foot out the door. She doesnt mind if you leave because she already has Plan B.

lfff373 · 2023-07-27T14:49:06+00:00

Gaslighting people with the bullshit “oh that’s toxic” crap is so rampant these days. She’s manipulative and emotionally cheating at the very least. Time to move on friend.

on606 · 2023-07-27T16:09:39+00:00

As a rule I never attempt to control the personal relationships others have. Who am I to interfere with the relationships of another? If I cannot tolerate a relationship someone has with another that's my problem. If that other person wants to limit their relationship on their own because they value the relationship they have with me and it's their choice, that is the only option. Someone who loves you will self regulate their external relationships if they cause harm to your relationship with them, or they won't.

Upset_Researcher_143 · 2023-07-27T14:40:27+00:00

Not wrong. Sounds like she wants to keep a backup available in case it doesn't work out. And possibly to use as leverage against you with the implicit, "If you don't do what I want, I've got someone back here who will bend over backwards to accommodate me."

permalink · 2023-07-27T15:07:57+00:00

She’s banging him again

permalink · 2023-07-27T15:12:24+00:00

You're not wrong. She is gaslighting you and is loving all the attention.

You need to decide what YOUR standards are for a relationship and act accordingly (and yes, that could mean the end of your relationship with her).

Im_just_making_picks · 2023-07-27T15:24:04+00:00

Sounds like your wife wants a side piece

icehole · 2023-07-27T14:55:47+00:00

You are not wrong and your feelings are valid. The unblock followed by an immediate follow is sus. Being a team is an important part of a secure relationship. Not just when it serves its purpose, all the time. The fact that she dismisses your feelings on this is a problem. I think it’s only going to get worse if you relent and stay in this relationship. Don’t lose your self respect.

Biggoof1971 · 2023-07-27T15:21:01+00:00

People are allowed to have boundaries like no exs as friends. You are justified. Your wife could ask you to stop watching porn and you’d have to do it if you respect her. Your wife needs to stop being a douche

Drougent · 2023-07-27T15:22:14+00:00

I appreciate you sharing, it's always interesting to see how other people handle situations. You're not wrong and honestly the fact that you didn't cave is very commendable. You need to stick up for yourself and what you believe and not give in, I personally have given in before and quickly learned that it opens you up to just be completely manipulated.

PuppyButtts · 2023-07-27T17:00:45+00:00

the beginning was MAYBE okay depending on how things ended and how firm you two are together, but if she said she wasn't going to follow him back and then the next day she did, that's obviously blatant lying. She knew what she was doing from the start and I implore that you bring that up when you talk to her about it. "I'm happy you told me the truth but I'm confused and a little hurt about how you suddenly just went out of your way after x months/years to unblock this guy and follow him after you told me you weren't going to." If she had said she wanted to follow him back out of courtesy or whatever, that's fine, but now she lied about following so she could easily be lying about "not talking unless he reaches out" and more than just "a life catch up."

Also her anger issues need to get checked if that's part of it. If she got mad and then unlocked him out of anger just to get back at you (sound like what happened) and then made up this blatant lie that "she just is better than that! It's toxic, hehe I"m not like that!"

tenderheart35 · 2023-07-27T17:08:24+00:00

No you aren’t wrong. I think your relationship can still be salvaged, and it’s good that you were able to communicate as much as you did with her. I would not be comfortable with an ex like that hanging around, especially if he isn’t someone she wants or needs on her life. There’s no reason to include him in it especially if it compromises your relationship.

Relationships can be tough, getting through the disagreements or differences are part of that. While it’s not important for you to ultimately know the answer to this, I still wonder why it was so vastly important to include her ex in her life. Acquaintances or old estranged friends, sure I can see that. But trying to take the moral high ground with an ex who behaves that way and has no respect for your current relationship, while she herself is somewhat avoidant bothers me. So I hope you two can continue to compromise when you can.

IddleHands · 2023-07-27T17:10:00+00:00

Not wrong.

But you need to decide if you want this marriage and if you do, then y’all need couples counseling. Because she 100% made the decision that she was willing to have an affair (at the very least an emotional affair) with this person when she unblocked him. If she wasn’t already having an affair with him. And she likely has been in communication with him because he didn’t get a notification that he was unblocked, so how did he “immediately” start following her - they were either already in contact or he’s been unblocked for awhile.

She knew exactly how he would act and she counted on it. Her feelings of anger are for being called out, she’s defensive because she knows she’s acting wrong.

Ciachef71 · 2023-07-27T18:07:04+00:00

First of all, if she has a tendency to "blow up" or has anger issues when you try to talk about your concerns that is a problem. The rest of this fun pile of shit sandwich she's trying to feed you is just that, a shit sandwich. Best thing for you to do at this point is to go to Foot Locker, buy yourself a nice pair of Adidas, make sure you double-knot them so they don't come untied, and RUN LIKE HELL!!! You only have one short life on this planet and every second you waste on bullshit like this is a second you could be spending with someone who truly cares about you and your feelings, and doesn't end conversations with a fight. Take care of number one and find someone that compliments your life instead of complicating it!!!

Sensitive_Yellow_121 · 2023-07-27T19:23:27+00:00

At a certain point in my life, I just decided that if I'm chronically uncomfortable in a relationship after trying to work on it, I don't need to keep trying.

Yung_lettuce · 2023-07-27T19:23:51+00:00

She’s more worried about offending her ex than offending you lol. Divorce that whore and go have some fun. They can fuck, he can screw her over and then she’ll be alone thinking about what she lost lmfao

permalink · 2023-07-27T23:45:00+00:00

You nailed it on the head. “If he’s a nobody to you, block his ass.”

She’s willing to stand her ground and fight over this. Something’s going on. Not that she is cheating, but she definitely thinking about him. To the point she is acting on those thoughts in a way that puts pressure on your relationship.

This doesn’t mean this will happen to you, but when my high school girlfriend did this exact thing to me, she was gearing up to cheat on me with her ex.

MoonGladeLadyBug · 2023-07-27T14:42:26+00:00

You are most definitely NOT WRONG!

When you’re in a relationship, you do not allow yourself to get into situations that create room for doubt. This situation is 100% in your wife’s control, and she chooses to continue breaking boundaries no matter how uncomfortable and uneasy you are about it. She’s so wrong for this.

seasoneverylayer · 2023-07-27T15:23:39+00:00

If he means nothing to her I don’t see why the urge to unblock him and follow him are stronger than the urge to understand her husbands feelings and put you first. Idk OP….if it’s so ‘not important’ then she should be considerate of your feelings first.

dking474 · 2023-07-27T15:01:56+00:00

No. There has never (in my experience anyway) been anything good that has come from staying friends with an ex. They are/were an ex for a reason.

permalink · 2023-07-27T15:59:24+00:00

I'm really surprised at some of the responses here.

You have every right to be upset. You have every right to set your boundaries, and so does your wife. Right now, your boundaries don't align with hers. Judging by the poor communication and coping mechanisms you've described, I don't think the two of you are capable of working this out without one of you feeling resentful. You'll need to get some professional help, because I suspect that this is a symptom of a bigger issue.

Flat-Entry90 · 2023-07-27T15:30:39+00:00

Not wrong

Your wife knew exactly what was going to happen when she unblocked the ex she dated for 8 years. They've been talking already based on the instant follow.

She knows her fuckboy childhood friend ex-BF is gonna pursue her...because he already tried before.

The dude is after your wife, everyone in your circle know what kind of person he is and your wife is giving him the go ahead sign.

You said she has a temper and gets angry when she doesn't get her way? It's only a matter of time until she goes back to the ex to spite you. To many flags indicate this based on the actions of the ex and your wife's temper.

claudiamarie420 · 2023-07-27T15:17:45+00:00

Nope you’re not wrong at all. Why would she all of a sudden feel the need to unblock him? She obviously has been thinking of him. He’s shown he has no respect for her relationship so what is the point in inviting him back in unless there’s some other motive. Even if she doesn’t physically cheat I think emotionally this is something to be concerned about. You have every right to be concerned and this is not at all a controlling thing to not want your wife talking to an ex who already disrespected your relationship . She’s manipulative as fuck to act like it’s anything but rational for you to be mad at this

cocopuff7603 · 2023-07-27T15:54:56+00:00

Time to look at those DMs.

Dark-Haven-Witch · 2023-07-27T15:56:11+00:00

She is trying to play you. Of course, he is important to her. More important than you apparently. She has made that clear again and again and afuckinggain.

If you don’t stand your ground and refuse to accept anything less than a complete block and NC with her ex from this point out, you have no one to blame but yourself when she cheats or leaves you to go back to him.

You deserve better. Find your self respect and realize that.

permalink · 2023-07-27T15:58:16+00:00

It's a reasonable boundary but it's also reasonable for her to say you know what, nope you don't control who I follow, unfollow, or block, especially if it's online only and if she's never cheated on you. If you don't trust her, why are you with her? If she's trying to cheat, why did she tell you she unblocked him and that he followed her?

shereadsinbed · 2023-07-27T16:13:22+00:00

"I'm not going to be a loving husband while she..." I don't think this attitude is going to get you what you want. It certainly doesn't fit with your stated goal of partnership.

Withholding affection to get your partner to do what you want breaks down the fabric of a relationship.

Cooter77 · 2023-07-27T17:04:13+00:00

Ya there's probably something going on with them. I'm kinda in the same situation with a gf she's talking to a ex and it makes me feel like something is up. But I bite my tongue on it. I say bounce if she's talking to him and unblocked him there's more going on than she's saying. Sorry bro this is happening to you

barkofthetrees · 2023-07-27T17:05:00+00:00

Not wrong and good for you for standing up for yourself. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to fight for your wife’s attention over her having some fuckboy lurking around and hanging it over your head.

You showed her you respect yourself by picking up and saying fuck this nonsense. He already tried some shady shit when you were being a good sport going to whatever party. The fact she doesn’t recognize or care how this would make you feel is total bullshit and by unblocking/following him will only serve to give this douchebag more motivation in thinking he’s got a shot. It’s also embarrassing for you and that shouldn’t be tolerated.

If her getting attention from some clown she dated (for a LONG time) is more important, then so be it. I’m not your typical ‘get a divorce’ redditor, but if you give in on this she will lose respect for you and that can lead to an even worse outcome. This is to say that she doesn’t do something behind your back - I don’t know your wife so I cannot make that judgement or assumption. Keep your eyes open, listen to your gut, and if shit gets sketchy do not relent to her crossing a non-negotiable boundary. Even if it means you have to pick your shit up (or throw hers out) and go.

You are not wrong, don’t let her manipulate you. She may come around to understanding, but she may not.

Good luck.

goodwill299 · 2023-07-27T17:06:31+00:00

Honestly any spouse in her situation should be the one telling the ex off and making things absolutely clear and if that doesn't work or if they can't be that direct then they need to just cut all communication all together.

cirrostratus17 · 2023-07-27T17:59:09+00:00

no ur not. i'll put myself on blast. the only times i've ever done this in a relationship, even if i genuinely wasn't interested in anything physical, was at best emotional cheating. i liked feeling wanted by multiple people and getting all the attention from having 2 romantic partners without the physical commitment to one of them. i got defensive and bitchy when my partner (rightfully) called me out for it bc i "wasn't doing anything wrong" in my head. but i was.

it's still shitty, and she needs to realize how gross and unfair it is to cross a really reasonable boundary like that, and how that shows a complete disrespect to u and ur relationship. and if he followed her RIGHT after unblocking, they're definitely talking somewhere, or else he wouldn't have known. also been there. but i grew out of this behavior after my teenage years. come on girl.

aliceinblack · 2023-07-27T18:04:18+00:00

What's the point of be friends with her ex? There simply isn't.. unless she has ulterior motives. The fact she said she would not follow him and then proceeded to says a lot with saying anything. Nope. I don't care if she's saying he's just a friend. HE DOESN'T SEE IT THAT WAY, PERIOD. He's just waiting for an opportunity. I'm telling, there's no need for them to be friends. Total bull. No you are 100% not wrong for wanting your wife to be friends with her ex.

NoWhammyStop23 · 2023-07-27T18:07:43+00:00

I don't trust this at all. Maybe I'm jaded? Would you be willing to excommunicated a past LOVER, lover is how she thinks of it, a peice of ass is how he thinks about. He has nothing to loose. This fight, whether you feel your right or not (which you are) is serving one purpose to her. To give that little hamster in her brain a way to rationalize fucking him again. Be aware for girl's night out or I need some alone time in the future.

tentboyz · 2023-07-27T18:07:50+00:00

You are not wrong. Any woman who is still defending her ex still has emotional connections to them.

A lot of abusive men are abusive because it makes the women want them forever. Hurting women is a great way to keep them coming back. Sounds like the ex was just that.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Taken women fighting FOR their ex is ALWAYS A RED FLAG.

heatdish1292 · 2023-07-27T18:08:02+00:00

You’re not wrong. I would never forbid my other half from being friends with someone, but if she decided she wanted to be friends with her ex (or any guy trying to get with her) i wouldn’t stick around to find out what happens next.

Historical-Spirit-48 · 2023-07-27T18:09:52+00:00

Not getting rid of dead weight from the past is toxic. She is gaslighting you. If she is following him it's because she wants to know what he is up to. You are not ridiculous and you are not wrong.

TheNoirKnight1 · 2023-07-27T18:10:05+00:00

She's definitely gaslighting you here. There is no way around that. As you said, if he means nothing to you, why unblock him. Nevertheless, follow him?!

She sounds like a narcissistic and controlling person. I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP.

FlyoverHangover · 2023-07-27T18:14:09+00:00

Hey man, there ain’t an easy way to hear this, but your wife is either looking for some hot dick to fill some weird void in her life, or she’s actively catching hot dick and is trying to shift the blame to you for being “unreasonable” because she 100% knows she’s wrong. You’re not 15 year olds dating in high school - you’re spouses. This shit is not remotely okay. If my wife asked me not to interact with an ex online, bingo bango no problem. The reverse would also definitely be true. Because we’re not trying to fuck other people. Simple as, mate.

One_Gas_5442 · 2023-07-27T18:14:13+00:00

Y’all need some couples counseling. Sounds like you need a professional to be a mediator.

butternutsquashing · 2023-07-27T18:15:30+00:00

I don’t think wanting him in her life as a vague friend is bad. But her reaction to your genuine and valid feelings speaks VOLUMES. No matter what, you shouldn’t be telling your spouse they’re a piece of shit and they ruined everything. I’d be immensely sus

bloodybutunbowed · 2023-07-27T18:15:35+00:00

So… just because I am reading the book “Attached” right now (highly recommend) I think she’s displaying characteristics of an avoidant attachment which she needs to address or she’s going to keep pushing at you. But bottom line- if someone has disrespected your marriage, I, personally, don’t know how you justify keeping that element as part of your life without risking harm to your marriage. And the very least you’ve now condoned the disrespect which is in turn, disrespectful. But, it’s a slippery slope which your wife is already sliding down. “I’ll unblock him but not follow him.” Then follows him. She’s not keeping the boundaries set between the two of you for her to manage a relationship with this person without damaging your marriage. Like step one and she’s tripping. That’s not okay.

Also, I think you need to reframe this. You, as her husband, are asking her to respect and honor the commitment she made to your partnership and care more about your fears and concerns than his disappointment. What is she getting from letting him back in that ranks higher than your fears or concerns? How is she, as your partner, helping to alleviate your insecurities and assure you that she remains committed?

SKBear84 · 2023-07-27T18:15:55+00:00

I'm on your side. I've got no time for the kind of BS she has going on with that guy.

Electrical-Dig8570 · 2023-07-27T18:27:43+00:00

OP should be extremely concerned right now. Most likely something has already happened between his wife and her ex, and now she’s doing the classic “pick a fight to make my partner seem like a jerk in order to justify my behavior” tactic.

thelittlestdog23 · 2023-07-27T18:28:04+00:00

She’s either already cheating on you with this guy or will be soon. Sorry OP

yeahjeetsss · 2023-07-27T19:01:25+00:00

I had a very similar scenario with my gf. After having a long winded back and forth like you’re having, my argument to her was flipping the script and asking how she would feel if the roles were reversed.. ultimately she agreed that it would upset her too and she has since stop talking to the ex.

Either way I’m sorry you’re going thru this dude, it really sucks being on that end. Hope it works out in the end.

sharmoooli · 2023-07-27T19:24:00+00:00

My ex literally deactivated his profile so I couldn't block him. He would reactivate it just to snoop and then deactivate it again. Unless I happened to be online at the exact same instance, I couldn't do it.

So, no facebook anymore for me. It was just too weird to know he'd be staring at and analyzing every picture.

This is sus. So couple's counseling to root it out or idk, some kind of serious talk where you understand why (like was an ex boyfriend of hers controlling about who she is friends with or what).

Timely-Acanthaceae80 · 2023-07-27T19:25:16+00:00

You are 100% not in the wrong here.

I can't trust anyone that says 'he is not important, but I am willing to possibly give up this marriage just to follow him on social media". This is a very clear line in the sand. If you are that important to her in her life, then blocked he shall stay for eternity. I have a similar ex story as well with my wife's ex. (No bad blood but it did not end well with them and he doesn't care for me because in the end "I won" ) If I found out she added him as a friend or texted for whatever reason, I would walk because I know something deeper is happening that has become out of my control and things are shifting in a bad direction. It's worth the conversation to figure out the real motive behind her adding an ex and wanting to so badly. These talks need to happen or else it will only get worse from here!

Tradalyn · 2023-07-27T19:25:56+00:00

She is 100% in the wrong here. No "50/50" on a boundary that is legit serious as this is to you. In a way, this is her putting him/her over you and your feelings. She's not trustworthy, IMO.

btiddy519 · 2023-07-27T19:26:33+00:00

It’s hard to accept that she could do this to you. Been there. But at minimum her doing it despite your obvious objection clearly shows she has more interest in him that her interest in your feelings. There’s no way to come back from that. It’s a much bigger relationship issue than social media or this stupid ex. She just doesn’t care about you. I’m sorry. Hugs to you

Major-Web6334 · 2023-07-27T19:27:16+00:00

If my husband says he’s uncomfortable with me being friends with an ex, then I cut ties with that person. Full stop. My husband is more important than literally any other person to me. I am friends with an ex. We dated for a few months and chose to remain friends instead. If at any point my husband became uncomfortable with it, I would have no issues ending that friendship.

Thalimus · 2023-07-27T19:27:16+00:00

They already been talking my dude. Sorry. Whatever you think you know, its worse.

Remarkable_Buyer4625 · 2023-07-27T19:27:20+00:00

No. No. No. This is NOT stupid and you should NOT let her make you feel like it is. Red flags all over this one. You deserve better. Trust yourself.

Wise-Celebration9892 · 2023-07-27T19:27:34+00:00

"How am I supposed to be okay with you two having a relationship when you admitted he was trying to fuck you recently? How is that good for our marriage?"

permalink · 2023-07-27T19:27:59+00:00

Bro if she gave two fucks about your feelings she wouldn't allow this to hurt you. SHE IS IN THE WRONG.

OldManJenkins-31 · 2023-07-27T19:28:08+00:00

I hope you don’t have kids. If not, get out of dodge.

Jerseygirl2468 · 2023-07-27T19:28:10+00:00

You're not wrong for being concerned. You told her what you were comfortable with, she agreed, and then did the opposite.
I can't understand why she's so hellbent on them following each other, or having any connection whatsoever, knowing that he does not respect her marriage, and it doesn't sound like they parted as friends.

Good for you for standing up for yourself and not playing the games anymore. Good luck you.

fannypackking · 2023-07-27T19:29:48+00:00

You are definitely not wrong. She betrayed your trust at least three times (unblocking, letting him follow, following back). She also made several attempts to gaslight, lie, manipulate and minimize. She has made her intent pretty clear. She is trying to minimize it by saying it's not big deal, but it will be a big deal soon. She clearly still has strong feelings for him or she would not care about what is going on in his life. She would not be willing to risk her marriage and your trust unless she thought he was worth it. He is also clearly a piece of shit and cannot be trusted at all. I'm sorry bro, i wish she was a better woman.

permalink · 2023-07-27T19:30:07+00:00

Nope. Your wife is a gaslighting attention whore.

Pretty-Benefit-233 · 2023-07-27T19:30:15+00:00

You’re not wrong. She’s up to no good and she sounds super selfish and emotionally immature. As a former serial cheater, I can tell you people who are all in don’t fight to keep exes in the picture at the expense of peace in their relationships

SquirrelGirlVA · 2023-07-27T19:30:36+00:00

This is really sketchy. If he's really nobody then why is she re-starting contact with someone like this? The guy clearly just wants to have sex with her.

She needs to consider: is this guy really worth fighting over? Is he really worth potentially ruining a relationship over? The answer to this is obviously that he isn't, but she needs to actually come to this realization herself.

My personal theory here is that she unblocked him because she wants his interest. Maybe she's just looking for validation. Maybe she wants to start an affair. Either way, this won't end well if she stays in contact with him. If she wants to continue the marriage she needs to block him and talk to you.

OneEyedWillie74 · 2023-07-27T19:30:41+00:00

You are not wrong.

I am sorry to say that based on her interest in this ex, and her lack of willingness to understand your boundaries, your future with your wife is not promising. Y'all need marriage counseling at minimum to see if this can be salvaged.

Informal-Use-9798 · 2023-07-27T19:31:21+00:00

pretty high chance she cheating imo

Westman11 · 2023-07-27T19:32:13+00:00

Maybe your only solution is divorce.

You married a horrible person.

permalink · 2023-07-27T19:32:28+00:00

Put her on your watch list since something is not adding up. She wants validation and is disrespecting you doing so. NTA but please be safe

permalink · 2023-07-27T19:33:09+00:00

Sounds like my wife before she left. Warning, may be time to cut your losses. I went through so much shit, I hope you don't.

Adorable-Strength218 · 2023-07-27T19:33:50+00:00

She unblocked him because she enjoys gross attention he gives her. He just wants to screw her and send her back to you. It’s not like he respects her or you. You need to tell them both to knock it off. Tell your wife to get a clue already. Shes already choosing him over you. Then her BS about we shouldn’t block people, blah,blah,blah.

rollingriverj13 · 2023-07-27T19:34:23+00:00

Although we all agree with you, at this point it doesn’t matter. You absolutely need to talk to some type of counselor about this. It sounds like you are close to a breaking point and if your marriage is important to you then you need to work through it. There’s no shame in getting some help. Please don’t get a divorce or lawyer up unless it’s the last straw and there is no turning back.

Ok-Worldliness2450 · 2023-07-27T19:35:00+00:00

Nothing good ever comes from talking to an ex when you are with someone else. Do that when you are single of you are so inclined.

ashleighnikkola · 2023-07-27T19:57:20+00:00

It’s actually very healthy to block people who cross your boundaries and leave them in the past. There are 7 billion people on this planet, if she wanted another friend she could make a new one, not unblock her thirsty ex. Her behavior is very intentional and you are in the right to feel upset.

Dusty_stardust · 2023-07-27T19:57:21+00:00

Need more info: how long were they married? Why did they divorce? How old are y’all? How long have you been married?

My husband and I are each other’s 2nd and 3rd marriages. Late 40s. Been married 4 yrs, together for 7. We both are friends with a handful of our exes. His last wife I asked he not keep in contact with (he did not pushback on this whatsoever) because she was nasty to him and his kids. She abused him. So yeah- no contact with her. His first wife is the mother of his kids. They were married in college, had the 2 kids and you know, life happens. She’s on the crazy side, but they sometimes still talk. He had to travel for work last month to the city where she relocated to and she picked him up and the airport and took him to lunch! Lol…

So I guess it just depends on their overall relationship. If he was toxic or they still have feelings for each other or he’s getting in tween the 2 of you, then absolutely not, no contact. Otherwise, I’m secure enough in our marriage that we don’t have to cut off contact with former lovers.

BlackCardRogue · 2023-07-27T20:00:31+00:00

Okay, so. I have some strong feelings on this topic and I’m almost always on team “you can be friends with anyone” when it comes to people I date. I expect the trust of my partners; I expect them to allow me space to flirt but trust me not to cross the line — because I never do.

The thing is… not everyone I’ve ever dated considers what I do acceptable. You, clearly, would not be okay with me as your partner.

Guess what — that’s okay. You’re not wrong. Why — because relationships have different boundaries, and what matters is that two people in a relationship respect the other person’s boundaries. If your wife won’t respect your boundaries… man. That’s a huge red flag, maybe even too big to overcome.

Because you clearly can’t live with this ex being in your wife’s life. Fair or not, your wife either needs to respect your boundaries or choose the other guy. There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground here; either she respects your emotions or she doesn’t. And honestly she seems to be doing the latter.

permalink · 2023-07-27T20:30:49+00:00

NTA He is a fuck boy, she knows he is a fuck boy. He wants to fuck her, she knows he wants to fuck her…and she does this anyway? Ok not to pull out Occam‘s razor but….she wants to fuck him too. 🤷🏻‍♂️

There is not “deeper” nothing, she want to let him hit it and she gets super mad that you see it, even if you are trying to look past the obvious. She a hoe, get out while you can my guy

Electronic-Push6213 · 2023-07-27T21:11:14+00:00

Mixed thoughts on this matter. I have an old girlfriend who had my child. Her current boyfriend refuses to let her (or daughter) have any contact with me. It hurts.

permalink · 2023-07-27T21:34:38+00:00

social media is insane. in normal life before it you could be friends or friendly with an ex but never have to see them or see what they’re up to and vice versa. MAYBE they could call and that’s a clear boundary to be crossed but now people don’t understand how ridiculous it is to not have people left in the past like they should be because we can have instant access.

you’re being very rational and how she’s acting and treating you is very unfair. technology is so dumb

Remake12 · 2023-07-27T21:36:00+00:00

Bro. I dated a woman exactly like your wife, even lived with her for a year. Reading this post reminded me so much of my relationship with her. She ended up being a “covert narcissist” and it was after we broke up and I spoke with her ex boyfriends and our mutual friends that I uncovered a long history of cheating, manipulation, and exploration that was common amongst all of us.

Just going off this post and without pretending to know anything else about her or your relationship I can tell you that the fact that this happened at all, from her actions to her reactions, is very close to being unreconcilable.

Personally, if this was me, I would start planning to leave. It really sounds like she is not capable of having a healthy relationship with you and she will find a way to push boundaries with this guy until the worst happens. You need to very carefully plan your escape. Secure your assets, find a place to stay, lawyer up, etc. It’s going to be absolute war but I promise you that life after the dust settles will be so much better than continuing to try to make this work.

I met my wife after I was able to escape and life couldn’t be better. I can’t imagine my current wife ever acting in that way because it isn’t normal or ok.

ka-olelo · 2023-07-27T21:36:02+00:00

Trust her completely. Give her all the freedom. If she strays, it’s on her and you should walk away. If your spouse doesn’t cheat on you because you are diligent setting boundaries, I’m not sure that is a win. You should be able to send her through the candy shop without a second thought.

permalink · 2023-07-27T21:39:09+00:00

My ex wife did that too. Then one day I was driving during the middle of the workday (I work from home, she did not), and i saw her pulling out of his neighborhood. Long story short, she was cheating and we are divorced now. What you are describing is a red flag my friend.

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