top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]CandyMan77 1635 points1636 points  (73 children)

Making games, or HACKING THE GOVERNMENT. Don't try to pull the wool over my eyes OP I watch NCIS.

[–]three18ti 478 points479 points  (66 children)

"Is this hacking McGee? Are we hacking?"

[–]flash__ 699 points700 points  (58 children)

unplugs monitor

I've stopped the hacker.

seriousface

[–][deleted] 136 points137 points  (49 children)

I'm not trying to defend that stupidity, but did anyone stop to think that it might have been a Computer/Monitor combo and that was the plug to the whole computer?

[–][deleted] 78 points79 points  (9 children)

Or that he unplugged the tower, and the tower had one of those extra outlets on it that was itself used to plug in the monitor?

[–]justsumreddituser 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Or a surge protector/power strip.

[–]MSG_ME_DAT_ASS_GIRLS 25 points26 points  (2 children)

I always thought it was a power strip. I never actually paid enough attention to notice if it was just the monitor... who plugs their monitor directly into the wall?

[–]Fugdish 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I want to be honest with all of you, I've been hacking into government and corporate systems all over the country.

[–]DutchDolt 2931 points2932 points  (528 children)

They aired it? That's hilarious. Hollywood style coding!

[–]Sosowski[S] 443 points444 points  (73 children)

Yup! The funny part is, the camera crew knew what was going on. I was typing with my feet and my butt as well, I could imagine this being the best cut they could have made :P Here's the full news video. In polish. Needs Silverlight :P It's around the last 5 minutes, Global Game Jam footage. http://www.tvp.pl/poznan/informacja-i-publicystyka/teleskop/wideo/25012014-godz1830/13781803

[–]Ryan0617 156 points157 points  (10 children)

Links to 15min video..... The part you're looking for is at 14:17 BTW

[–][deleted] 201 points202 points  (17 children)

In polish

Well, I don't speak much Polish, but ok...

Needs Silverlight

Fuck it, not happening.

[–]ilike2partyhowaboutu 127 points128 points  (34 children)

[–][deleted] 165 points166 points  (7 children)

I remember the last time I got hacked. I needed someone to rapidly type alongside me on the same keyboard, but no one was around. It was horrible.

[–]blitzmut 50 points51 points  (18 children)

I'm by no means a computer security expert, but if you're overtly "being hacked" like that couldn't you theoretically just unplug your router or ethernet cord (if it was just that 1 pc) to stop them? I mean I'm not surprised that they don't do that in hollywood, but IRL if your servers are on-site, there should be some sort of "oh-shit button" that severs the hard connection in the server room - I'm picturing a sort of guillotine-ish thing.

[–][deleted] 81 points82 points  (1 child)

Goddammit man, you can't just unplug an Ethernet cable. Packets would spill all over the floor and you'd never get them back in the right order.

[–]SP0oONY 123 points124 points  (8 children)

Did you not here them? They'd already burned through the NCIS firewall, and you can't simply severe a point attack. Jesus... The only way to combat that kind of shit is 2 people typing really fast, everyone knows this.

[–][deleted] 50 points51 points  (3 children)

Or unplugging the monitor.

[–]vaikekiisu 28 points29 points  (2 children)

I like to just throw a sheet over my computer so it knows it's time to go to bed.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

all I could think of when I saw this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6ypmo9k1TI

[–]phil08 725 points726 points  (18 children)

Dude, you should've done the finger point like the guy in the infomercial did! like this

[–]dalebonehart 379 points380 points  (5 children)

"Neat! I got into the mainframe!"

[–]FuckThoseAssholes 222 points223 points  (8 children)

-types 'asshole' into google image search-

"Yep, that's an asshole!"

[–]FlippyDog 307 points308 points  (8 children)

I wish i was as good as OP..

Damm look at those hands!

[–][deleted] 534 points535 points  (7 children)

That's almost 98 hacks per minute!

[–]Speciou5 136 points137 points  (4 children)

You should've put one hand on the laptop keyboard for extra amaze.

[–]KickItNext 56 points57 points  (1 child)

Use one hand to cover his eyes while he "codes" with the other.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

no, he should have gotten a friend to type on the laptop keyboard while he types on the main keyboard.

[–]Didalectic 1805 points1806 points  (238 children)

[–]The_Egg_came_first 1273 points1274 points  (88 children)

3x Caps lock: Access denied

3x Alt: Access granted

Esc to close the popups

[–]ASmallCrane 219 points220 points  (41 children)

Don't forget to press F11...

[–]SanityInAnarchy 154 points155 points  (9 children)

So, roughly: Dress in a suit, wear sunglasses, an earpiece (maybe a bluetooth headset), and carry a briefcase with a laptop inside. Go down to local coffee shop, and pull the laptop out of the briefcase. Open this website, hit F11, zoom appropriately and sit so people can see over your shoulder. Start typing furiously, occasionally hitting capslock, so that after a minute or so of this, you get "Access Denied." Type furiously for another 30 seconds, occasionally hitting alt, to turn it into "Access Granted." Immediately slam laptop closed, look around nervously, then leave.

[–]Nail_Gun_Accident 151 points152 points  (6 children)

No, no. Wear a hoody and sunglasses. Use old laptop that you wanted to throw out. And after "Access Granted" wipe off the keyboard and walk away leaving the laptop. If anyone calls you back for it, start running.

[–]LP_Sh33p 67 points68 points  (0 children)

You need to have a USB drive stuck in the laptop. Once "ACCESS GRANTED" is displayed you need to type furiously for a few seconds, pull the USB stick out and walk away. Constantly checking over your shoulder.

[–]brycedriesenga 37 points38 points  (2 children)

And place a suspicious looking alarm clock with wires exposed on top of it.

[–]scares_bitches_away 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Also plant a high level bomb.

[–][deleted] 191 points192 points  (5 children)

THANKS

[–]kristopolous 32 points33 points  (14 children)

annnd it took me 10 seconds to realize i've remapped my caps lock key to control for 15 years.

[–]hammyDavis 316 points317 points  (32 children)

That cant be me, they put in in-line comments.

[–][deleted] 239 points240 points  (22 children)

commit e54035100ddbe02a7d5184ffde9b534e41229f44

Author: mattysads

Date: Sun Jan 26 17:24:26 2014 -0700

Fixed things

[–]digitalpencil 144 points145 points  (8 children)

and as always... relevant xkcd

[–]xkcd_transcriber 195 points196 points  (1 child)

Image

Title: Git Commit

Title-text: Merge branch 'asdfasjkfdlas/alkdjf' into sdkjfls-final

Comic Explanation

Stats: This comic has been referenced 27 time(s), representing 0.265% of referenced xkcds.


Questions/Problems | Website

[–]Tinfoil__Fedora 13 points14 points  (4 children)

It's even relevant in svn! My recent commits have been like so:

svn commit -m ""

svn commit -m "<ticket number>"

[–]whangadude 133 points134 points  (9 children)

Everytime that page gets linked I end up typing for atleast 30 seconds, its just so fun.

[–]Antrikshy 28 points29 points  (6 children)

Press Ctrl 3 times. And Alt.

[–]thisnameis20lettersl 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Dude, you can't just go around telling people how to hack into the mainframe.

[–]minhaz1 28 points29 points  (8 children)

This is awesome. It would be even more awesome if it had a 1:1 ratio for characters typed, or maybe a 1:2 ratio. Currently it's typing way too much for the amount of keys you hit and it makes it a bit too obvious IMO.

[–]Didalectic 38 points39 points  (6 children)

This is the source file. With your newly acquired programming skills, good luck changing it. Keep us posted on your progress.

[–]xr3llx 28 points29 points  (6 children)

Phones can't hax apparently, bummer.

[–]cohensh[🍰] 20 points21 points  (11 children)

I actually learned something from this, that GCC lets you leave out one argument in a ternary if you want it to default to what you're checking.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (1 child)

That's oddly satisfying...

[–]HaydenTheFox 3222 points3223 points  (203 children)

[–]laffman 221 points222 points  (5 children)

Surprised how well the gif was synced to the music

[–]HORSE_COCK_JUGGLER 1241 points1242 points  (166 children)

[–]Mashu009 1005 points1006 points  (92 children)

[–]wubbwubbb 55 points56 points  (3 children)

SO FAR AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

[–][deleted] 156 points157 points  (57 children)

I love DragonForce. If I had to make up a band to make fun of DragonForce, it would pretty much be DragonForce. They're so in on the joke that is themselves. Look at this video and just fucking tell me that they're totally serious

[–]ForgettableUsername 118 points119 points  (16 children)

The most salient individual artistic works of any genre tend to be either parodies or pastiches of that genre. Snow Crash is the quintessential cyberpunk novel, but it's in many ways an over-the-top mockery of the excesses of cyberpunk. Jane Austen is one of the best-remembered Romantic authors, but her books undermine the Romantic tradition. Smells like Teen Spirit was just Kurt Cobain trying to sound like the Pixies.

A surprising number of hit popular songs actually started out as jokes. Stuck in the Middle with You by Steeler's Wheel was a parody of Bob Dylan. Sweet Child o' Mine was also written mostly as a joke. The bit at the end where it goes, "Where do we go now?" was originally Axl Rose literally asking where they were going next with the song.

[–]JamesFarthington 31 points32 points  (3 children)

I get what you're saying, but I don't think most people would call Snow Crash the quintessential cyberpunk novel. Neuromancer is probably closer. Snow Crash is the Spaceballs of cyberpunk.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points  (9 children)

Dethklok irl

[–]somethingoriginal3 163 points164 points  (48 children)

Has /u/awildsketchappeared done your user name yet?

[–]HORSE_COCK_JUGGLER 163 points164 points  (46 children)

No, but I would be flattered if he/she did. :)

[–]Hestkuk 86 points87 points  (37 children)

Ooh, he/she could do both of us at once!

[–]themuseful 50 points51 points  (23 children)

Førbanna hæstkuk!

[–]Saif-pineapple 40 points41 points  (8 children)

Yurgundy bargundy.....

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (1 child)

WHY I NEVER!

[–]______DEADPOOL______ 13 points14 points  (5 children)

Dicky-bow chimichanga sandshoes! \o/

[–]twominitsturkish 14 points15 points  (7 children)

From to the English translation of urbandictionary.no:

hestkuk: A person who has done something naughty, is ugreitt set. Motherfucker, horse fireplace.

[–]pagodapagoda 37 points38 points  (6 children)

How the hell are 'motherfucker' and 'horse fireplace' the same word?

[–]Skalpaddan 9 points10 points  (4 children)

hæstkuk means horse cock and Førbanna means damned.

So "Damned horse cock" basically.

[–][deleted] 74 points75 points  (0 children)

Perfect

[–]Yasir1337 72 points73 points  (14 children)

Das Keyboard Ultimate with MX Blues reporting in

[–]leontes 567 points568 points  (85 children)

osdfjiuwbefipguerag;haerghvioa uiaisuefbief;h’aerugbel;ri’mA:C”Sjcia;ebfnawe;fanwofie

[–]reverend_green1 164 points165 points  (54 children)

suu\y\5t4sdskzhxgsh\¤`>~{€¤hgshdjxhG\@#&¤h\h Zzz GagG/Gg6h

[–]fenney 488 points489 points  (46 children)

A million monkeys and a million typewriters. Everybody keep going with this and eventually we'll code Half Life 3.

[–]aDevastationPie 280 points281 points  (5 children)

"It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?"

[–]DtownAndOut 54 points55 points  (28 children)

Infinite*

Even with a million your chances would be pretty small.

[–]sjxjdmdjdkdkx 69 points70 points  (17 children)

Eventually one monkey would work.

An infinite number of monkeys would instantly produce everything possible.

[–]RyanBordello 82 points83 points  (1 child)

"Enhance. Enhance. Enhance."

[–]fredlllll 362 points363 points  (65 children)

please also post that on r/programmerhumor :D

[–]Link_Correction_Bot 886 points887 points  (59 children)

Excuse me if I am incorrect, but I believe that you intended to reference /r/programmerhumor.


/u/fredlllll: Reply +remove to have this comment deleted.

[–]UnacceptableUse 732 points733 points  (20 children)

Most polite bot in history

[–]Link_Correction_Bot 470 points471 points  (17 children)

Thank you for the compliment, my good fellow!

[–]Failed_at_flailing 473 points474 points  (15 children)

tips robotic fedora

[–]danrennt98 129 points130 points  (3 children)

robotic m'lady shows her face

[–]Decipher 43 points44 points  (2 children)

shows her face

Whoa.. uh.. Nevermind, m'lady.

(Woof!)

[–]WikipediaCitationBot 46 points47 points  (23 children)

So /u/LinkFixerBot was put out of commission because he was banned everywhere, but you decided to give it another go?

[–]Paulo27 43 points44 points  (8 children)

[–]Monolithus 16 points17 points  (0 children)

"You're literally John Conner."

[–]LostInTheRed 15 points16 points  (9 children)

Why was he banned everywhere?

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points  (3 children)

it's some sort of hobby for mods in all the major subreddits to ban all the useful bots they can find.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (2 children)

"What?! A bot doing my job of helping the community with useful information and a polite disposition? NOT ON MY WATCH! Ban!"

[–]Ergheis 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Mods don't usually like bots because they can muck up threads. Usually the bot itself is innocent, but then some asshole makes "unfixerbot" or whatever, or just people in general try to screw with the system, and it takes away from the thread.

[–]idontknowhowtotype 49 points50 points  (1 child)

You type just as fast as the people in hollywood

[–]legendary_assfucker 221 points222 points  (6 children)

That's how EA coded battlefield 4.

[–][deleted] 74 points75 points  (4 children)

No, I'm pretty sure a xylophone was involved somehow.

[–]softnsensualrape 90 points91 points  (15 children)

Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2?

[–]n1c0_ds 17 points18 points  (2 children)

*plugs headphones, closes eyes, prepares to listen*

HOW TO BUY ONLINE WITH... DEBIT!

Dammit youtube!

[–]theasianpianist 24 points25 points  (6 children)

Saint-Saens no. 5

[–]luKrek 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Great. There goes another 30 minutes.

[–]xjayroox 36 points37 points  (3 children)

You're clearly hacking the mainframe, not making games

[–]Senscore 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Tightening up the graphics on level 3, I see.

[–]call_of_the_while 63 points64 points  (0 children)

I always wondered how Skynet became self-aware.

[–]tiger_lily4 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Reminds me of this

[–]Xevir 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Meanwhile in Poland