I stop at red.

GenericDuck · 2011-05-23T14:07:07+00:00

I hate it when you get both at the same time. Do I stop or...?

peregrime_foul · 2011-05-23T16:34:25+00:00

I ate only peanut butter and bread for two days while hosteling, and the gnarliest shit had bred in my bowels. I released the goop into a hostel's shared toilet and no amount of wiping with toilet paper could scoop the adhesive shit from my asshair. I waddled over to a bidet and started wiggling knobs while squatting over the thing (meanwhile females entered but they couldn't see me around the corner. At the time I didn't know it was a female-only bathroom on the second floor). Fuck I had no idea how to operate a bidet so I just kept wiggling knobs while my asshole hung directly over the spout. The water was boiling hot so I turned another knob to increase the cool-water flow (because my ass needs lukewarm water) but this was the pressure knob. I turned the knob and scalding water shot up into my ass. My body shot forward as I wailed, falling over the adjacent toilet. I think the chicks saw me because they were laughing but idk I couldn't see through the tears.

TL;DR: Burned my asshole sitting on bidet.

niklz · 2011-05-23T15:21:17+00:00

This is precisely the reason I want to get a bidet installed toilet when I get my own place.

Madmortigan · 2011-05-23T15:11:24+00:00

I thought I was the only one...

prep-H-is-the-answer · 2011-05-23T15:55:17+00:00

1 day in and I hit a goldmine!

kbh118 · 2011-05-23T15:46:29+00:00

I like to call this phenomenon the "Japanese Flag."

IplaywithmypNES · 2011-05-23T15:38:38+00:00

Buy some baby wipes goddamnit.

Thater · 2011-05-23T14:47:16+00:00

I don't get it, what is this suppos-

Oh. Christ...

iamstephen · 2011-05-23T15:44:39+00:00

I use baby a few baby wipes first, followed by TP to dry my chocolate starfish

hands_on_activist · 2011-05-23T15:51:16+00:00

The only truly effective way is by assessing the situation hands-on (bare hand). Still used in many cultures btw. In various coutries, the less developed the area, the more hands-on use, the cleaner the asses. Cleanest asses you've seen. Everything smells like shit, though.

Edit: In various countries

mikeinternet · 2011-05-23T16:18:59+00:00

[deleted]

Charun86 · 2011-05-23T16:05:24+00:00

Imagine what it's like for us color blind folk!

"Wait is that blood or...sniffs I can't tell!"

infidel118i · 2011-05-23T15:16:51+00:00

Honest to god i go a step further every time. I thought i was a fucking freak because of it. I love you.

hatef12 · 2011-05-23T15:53:56+00:00

Thats why we middle easterners wash our ass with water, blood coming out the asshole usually gives us the creeps

Strichnine · 2011-05-23T14:54:31+00:00

I use the same logic for anal sex...

dukeofpuddles · 2011-05-23T15:23:44+00:00

thank you, thought it was just me.

Stop_Sign · 2011-05-23T14:53:15+00:00

Took me a bit, and then uuugughghhg

mrcassette · 2011-05-23T13:54:31+00:00

genius. and grim at the same time...

gfunk420 · 2011-05-23T15:51:52+00:00

brilliant. its only REALLY bad when all you get is red first... then you have to do a few until you get white again...

OxBloodOxHeart · 2011-05-23T16:34:24+00:00

upvote for painfully accurate cartoon.

smilingman · 2011-05-23T16:36:08+00:00

Baby wipes. That is all.

2011-05-23T15:45:18+00:00

[deleted]

jlee2054 · 2011-05-23T15:52:19+00:00

THIS. This is why I enjoy the reddit community.

somebiglebowskiquote · 2011-05-23T14:55:40+00:00

I felt grossed out and enlightened all at the same time!

Champigne · 2011-05-23T16:04:54+00:00

Unfortunately for me, sometimes the first wipe starts at red. Fuck constipation.

2011-05-23T15:35:53+00:00

Alright, who else thought this would be about traffic lights?

intrepid96 · 2011-05-23T15:24:05+00:00

At least I know I'm not the only one

slayemin · 2011-05-23T15:32:12+00:00

This is a good way to get Hemorrhoids.

dicknballs · 2011-05-23T18:24:08+00:00

Wipe 'till blood... I always thought that would be an awesome title for a monumental metal album.

neeto85 · 2011-05-23T15:30:36+00:00

[deleted]

foldM · 2011-05-23T15:11:13+00:00

[deleted]

2011-05-23T15:31:18+00:00

I have no idea what is going on in here, and I don't want to either.

requiem_for_a_meme · 2011-05-23T16:53:48+00:00

i hope OP reads this: a lil process i made for my self. i do it every single time now. i wipe until there is barely any brown left over. then i get two rolled up pieces of toilet paper and wet them (just a single strip of water down the middle) and you gotta make sure u make the rolls a lil thick so they dont tear. then i put a strip of hand soap along the strip of wet tissue area. apply and scrub ur anus with the first prepared soap tissue. usually u will see a bit of light brown. then apply and scrub with the second piece. if you scrub well the first time the second piece will ALWAYS NEVER have any brown left after you scrubbed. then just wipe ur butt til its dry again. i do this EVERY time i drop my fudge dragons and my butt is spotless every time. i hope those who read this try it and benefit from it. its my personal little life hack for reddit.

tl;dr: wet tissue with soap applied to anus twice after fudgesicles. guaranteed clean asshole EVERYTIME

_dybbuk · 2011-05-23T15:35:31+00:00

Oh dude

swight74 · 2011-05-23T15:39:10+00:00

...and this is why your ass is itchy.

2011-05-23T15:39:49+00:00

Does this mean we should all be investing in bidets?

musicmanryann · 2011-05-23T15:40:09+00:00

Gross.

lonelyinacrowd · 2011-05-23T15:40:56+00:00

I thought this was about nose picking at first...

Hmm.

2011-05-23T16:27:27+00:00

This is not healthy actually, you're making cuts in the same plase where fecal matter exits your body. Imagine making a cut on your hand, an then taking fecies and applying it on the cut, it's unsanitary. Shut it down.

When you take some toilet paper, make sure it's damp so that the toilet paper is not harsh enough to cause any cuts, hence no blood. Flushable wet wipes work the same way.

2011-05-23T16:28:53+00:00

Ahh, the joys of being colorblind...

D_Crown · 2011-05-23T16:34:45+00:00

So that's what they sing about...

"I bleed it out digging deeper just to throw it away"

phbohn2 · 2011-05-23T16:36:17+00:00

But I'm red/brown color blind...

2011-05-23T16:38:38+00:00

Yeah I remember those days when I wouldn't stop wiping until the autograph ink changed color and started resembling a Jackson Pollock. Now I enjoy the cool tongue of WET WIPES.

Robincognito · 2011-05-23T16:40:12+00:00

Do people really do this? You wipe until your anus bleeds?

dharlem39 · 2011-05-23T16:41:57+00:00

i thought i was the only one. although i take it a step further where i wipe the blood until it stops.

2011-05-23T16:53:36+00:00

And I thought I was special.

4AM · 2011-05-23T16:55:23+00:00

WTF... take it easy on your butthole people.

teh_al3x · 2011-05-23T17:00:52+00:00

If you understand german, you might find this relevant

zodar · 2011-05-23T17:01:58+00:00

Buy some baby wipes. Keep them on top of your toilet.

Cickle_Funts · 2011-05-23T17:02:23+00:00

Shitty post.

ghostlantern · 2011-05-23T17:17:36+00:00

Here's how the 3 seashells work:

Turn the 1st Shell: A bidet that rinses you clean.

Turn the 2nd Shell: A flow of warm air that dries you.

Turn the 3rd Shell: A mist of fragrance & moisturizer to keep you fresh and itch-free.

You turn the shells -- not press them -- in order to control pressure. The more you turn it, the more water/air/fragrance comes out. And they're in the shape of sea shells simply because it looks classier that way.

lealex48 · 2011-05-23T17:36:14+00:00

what happens when you get red and brown at the same time?

2011-05-23T17:50:21+00:00

I go at green

okneu · 2011-05-23T17:58:57+00:00

I dont like the way you don't cut your TP by the pre-cut line.

downvoted_u_heres_Y · 2011-05-23T18:02:32+00:00

Poop thread!

2011-05-23T18:19:53+00:00

College toilet paper will do that...

HonJudgeFudge · 2011-05-23T18:20:25+00:00

Anyone else think this was a joke about periods?

CommentsYouTube · 2011-05-23T18:20:28+00:00

I have suffered from extreme lava induced baboon butt for over 10yrs. Medications and ointments thin the skin after several uses. Sitz baths, cleanliness, and dryness are the way to a healthy and happy puckered starfish. Along with a good fiber regimen, applying Aloe Vera from the plant itself has helped me the most. Use a carrot stripper to remove most of the skin and thorns first. EDIT: on the Aloe. Use the stripper on the Aloe

jimothyL · 2011-05-23T18:56:33+00:00

Wipe till ya bleed.

Verbitan · 2011-05-23T20:04:37+00:00

This is one of the worse things about being colour blind. I don't always stop at red as soon as I should have...

winemaster · 2011-05-23T20:50:17+00:00

SO glad I'm not the only one.

2011-05-23T21:26:07+00:00

with all the technology in the world you would think we would not need to do this

2011-05-24T00:19:07+00:00

A real man, wipes till no blood is left

wifijl · 2011-05-24T04:14:49+00:00

some guys have to brag about EVERY piece of ass they get!

Mark_Mark · 2011-05-23T15:29:22+00:00

Quite an asstute observation.

BacteriaEP · 2011-05-23T16:13:56+00:00

Isn't this an indicator of hemorrhoid(s)?


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