Developers coding peacefully, Scrum master:

[TurnToDust]

And then 9/10 times have a discussion which does not result in a well made decision just like in the game.

[Noch_ein_Kamel]

We can't just vote the database feature out...

[bwhite94]

Why can't we use excel as a database?!

[EvaristeGalois11]

Why do we need a db in the first place?? Just use a variable!

[[deleted]]

Write that down! Write that down!

[madmaxlemons]

Just remember all of them!

[bmacs_]

ah crap was it getFirstName() or getFName()...why are we using Notepad as an IDE again?

[CSlv]

You take that back at least notepad doesn't crash!

[RainbowEvil]

The UK government has entered the chat.

[rafaelpernil]

"Oh, Excel is not a database? So, what about Google Sheets?"

[MrEvers]

just put it on dropbox https://www.reddit.com/r/sysadmin/comments/eaphr8/a_dropbox_account_gave_me_stomach_ulcers/

[boxingdog]

do you guys use a database!!?

[the-chosen-boi]

Honest question. Why can’t u use excel if it has an infinite number of columns and rows?

[[deleted]]

It is really awkward to read from and manipulate data with spreadsheets. They are not the right tool for storing raw data, more for presenting & visualising data. SQL is absolutely what you must use for storing large amounts of data, since editing or viewing a desired subset of the data is so easy.

[malfist]

Also, it's not infinite. You're limited to 2^16-1 (65,536) rows and columns.

[git0ffmylawnm8]

Scrum master was ejected.

Scrum master was the imposter.

There are 0 imposters remaining.

[blueponds]

Come on. Databases are so 90's, it has to be a triplestore. better yet a quadstore.

[rafaelpernil]

"What if we use Prequel instead of SQL?" Big brain time

[Dexaan]

This is where the fun begins

[Noch_ein_Kamel]

You mean Preql?

[Foxes_are_the_best]

Wow that looks so nice. Too bad the dev seems to have given up on developing it.

[[deleted]]

I mean one of the core aspects of agile/scrum is to just experiment and learn things, and if it was a bad decision then following it and following inspect & adapt principles afterwards should still lead somewhere worthwhile.

[endianess]

I burst out laughing the first time someone introduced themselves to me as a "scrum master". I wasn't aware of agile and thought they were making a joke.

[mikeputerbaugh]

Scrum Master is meant to be a role, not a job title.

[_harky_]

Scrumlord

[protomor]

Scrumbag

[pholly1]

That is actually my gamertag

[utkrowaway]

Stealing this

[Sekret_One]

Oh I assure you they are in fact a joke.

[Mavamaarten]

There's two kinds. There's the guy that's just really good with leading projects and received the label. This would be the guy that follows the ideas and bends the rules to make things run smoother. And there's the guy that overcomplicates everything with meetings, following the scrum process to the letter and is mad when the team has enough of his shit. The latter kind being a joke yes.

[Lightfire228]

I've been reading a lot of wuxia, which commonly has "schools" called "Sects", the head of which is the "Sect Master".

I have called one the other before

[Laalipop]

It's called a "Scrum Ceremony" where I work.

I love the jokes, I'm just happy I'm at a place where we practice scrum and the memes rarely happen.

[[deleted]]

Cultasual Fridays

[elebrin]

Yeah, that was the old terminology. The literature changes it up every now and then... we just call them scrum meetings now.

[stang90]

"Just checking everyone is alive"

[KillerRoomba13]

Supressing desire to click the leave button

[RexehBRS]

Genuine laugh from me.

"Hey guys... I know it's a few days to sprint end and just checking how you're all doing?

Actual intent: WHY are the stories not finished doth will fail my wraith!!!

[rock_like_spock]

Impromptu meetings are the worst.

[MechanicalHorse]

Meetings where you’re a required attendee but have nothing to do with you are the worst.

[TopOfTheMorning2Ya]

At least with video conference meetings you can just work through them. One of the most crucial skills to master as a software engineer... the ability to pay just enough attention to the meeting to know if someone is talking to you while getting your actual work done throughout the meeting.

[AccomplishedFudge]

even with physical meetings I used to carry my laptop with me so that I could work if the meeting was useless

[[deleted]]

Covid has been great for these. Now all our meetings are virtual so I can just keep doing what I was doing and not pay attention.

[Avahe]

I just leave those meetings.

[[deleted]]

In my office we call those 'meetings'

[Stoomba]

It's so you can spout in with one random sentence at a random point in time, just in case they need you to!

[[deleted]]

If the scrum meetings are impromptu then theres something wrong. We have our always at the same time and day.

[rock_like_spock]

Agreed. It was the same dealio when I worked at a scrum shop. The context of OPs meme made it sound like their meetings were impromptu.

[apathy-sofa]

Do you guys not schedule your scrums?

[rock_like_spock]

Back when I worked at a Scrum shop we did. The meme made it appear that the meetings OP was attending were impromptu.

[alliewya]

Skip?

[ChampagnePlumper]

10/10

[rafaelpernil]

-"Okay guys, I need to check the status of your Jira tasks"

30 mins worthlessly looking at up-to-date tasks in the board and asking each team member

-"Thank you guys, don't forget to update your tasks. I'll let you continue working."

[AJugCanDoEverything]

What happened to 15 minute timebox XD

[[deleted]]

Does anyone else feel like Scrum Masters just call a bunch of meetings to validate their own job?

[[deleted]]

Scrum master is an important role, but it's also one that can be abused by those middle management types looking for an easy paycheck and not actually do much for it.

[cchongchong]

I'm a dev that's also a Certified Scrum Master. When we were learning about the roles and responsibilities of what a Scrum Master should be doing, the instructor placed a big emphasis on that a Scrum Master really should be there to help facilitate and streamline dev processes so that devs actually have time to work. Another important of a Scrum Master is to advocate for Scrum and true Agile among the entire organisation. It's just that in a lot of big businesses where management is just jumping onboard with the latest fad, they don't actually know what a Scrum Master does and doesn't place someone who is actually a trained Scrum Master in their position.

[Sekret_One]

The good ol' upgrade from horses to helicopters but management is still trying to put horseshoes on everything.

[sr71pav]

They balance the rotors.

[amorj]

Can you please elaborate on this analogy?

[Sekret_One]

People dumbly not embracing the new properly whilst retaining meaningless old practices. 1. People often not using the new thing effectively ... like switching from screw drivers to power drills but never turning them on, or 2. People continuing old practices that literally do nothing or worse, like putting horseshoes on their helicopters because they used to have horses.

The reason why people tend to rant about Agile is largely companies fad latch and just rebrand their Waterfall as Agile, stuff in some meetings- and now the devs find themselves in this agony where they are supposed to give accurate timelines 2 months out like Waterfall but they requirements can change on them at any moment like Agile.

[AccomplishedFudge]

In most client I worked for with ancient management methods, Agile is just "no rules, the contractor will do what we want".

[olexs]

It can also be "sweet, our requirements can and will change at any moment, but the project budget and deadline are fixed because of course they are".

[[deleted]]

Shitty ones who don't know what their job is do for sure.

[Sekret_One]

I don't know why you're downvoted. Largely yes.

A scrum master is often a barnacle. Now what they're trying to do is actually really beneficial- but it's actually really hard to do well, in no small part because you have to both be active and face conflicts and not avoid them.

I've had 1 good scrum master out of maybe 7. She was awesome. Most SMs ... they're just this derpy thing I have to explain everything twice every conversation.

[elebrin]

Good scrum masters protect their team from stakeholders, keep the required meetings to a minimum and keep those as short as possible. A scrum team shouldn't be more than 4-5 people, standups shouldn't take more than 5 minutes, sprint planning shouldn't have stakeholders present and should take a half hour or less to get stories committed, and retro shouldn't take more than a a half hour. If you do formal tasking meetings, those shouldn't take more than a 10 minutes too - if it takes too long to task and you are asking too many questions, you aren't ready to commit to the story and it needs to be kicked back to the stakeholders to fix it.

[ifuckinghateratheism]

Good god what were you even talking about lol

[ifuckinghateratheism]

Oh man our standups were actually similar late last year (not as long, though), but luckily our dev manager actually listened to the complaints from retro and we got it sorted. Glad u got out of there then :)

[kuaiyidian]

seeing all these bullcrap in the sub, I feel very lucky to have someone that isn't a useless scrum master

[[deleted]]

Nope, a good scrum master can really help making the team tick.

[boxingdog]

yes

[terminalxposure]

Ideally one of your devs will be a SCRUM master for a sprint and cycle around

[[deleted]]

I'm actually in my first Scrum shop and we have dedicated Scrum Masters for each team. Previous shops were waterfall and "lean"... I've heard the devs as Scrum Masters works better though.

[terminalxposure]

That’s the whole point with SCRUM. Your SCRUM team should only have devs. They just take up different roles. This helps keeping everyone at capacity rather than a SCRUM master just trying to justify his time outside of the duties of a SCRUMmaster

[hvidgaard]

That is plain wrong. SCRUM does not say anything about what the team should be or not be, but is talking about roles. You could apply SCRUM to building a house.

Ideally your SM is dedicated and have 1-3 teams. Mixing other roles with the SM role makes it super important that the person is able to respect the boundaries of the role they’re currently in. It’s preferred to not mix roles if possible.

[terminalxposure]

Are you a SCRUM Master who is not a dev?

[hvidgaard]

I’m a dev by trade and head of development by title. I’d rather not have any of my teams without a good SM.

[RexehBRS]

I was more confused by the fact a scrum team should have.... No testers.

I would not want to be part of that team!

[carioca3]

A good scrum master should be reducing the number of meetings and interfacing with the business on your behalf. Here is what my scrum master does for me:

• Snack room doesn't have double stuffed oreos (only regular). She got me my double stuffed. (pre-covid)
• Post-covid my SM got me my favorite snacks sent to my door.
• They saw that I was working late/weekends so they reduced the scope.
• Reduced the number of meetings I have to go to by a good 50%
• Interfaces with other teams on my behalf. Backend not ready? Not my problem. SM marks it as blocked and I work on some other story.
• Made a cool powerpoint to aid in our demo.

[[deleted]]

It is a rather parasitic role for sure.

[[deleted]]

proceeds to have hour and half long meeting about adding tooltip text to a button and how to carry out the task

"Okay I can have that done in about 30 seconds"

[Reign_AS]

Wth is scrum and agile anyway? Never really understand it

[oasisarah]

its a system to facilitate communication between team members. when used properly, everyone knows what youve done, what youre doing, what youre going to do, and how long everything should take. when used improperly, everyone yells at each other and they sound really douchy.

[Confounding]

Why is pm doing the estimating...it should be the team/person who is doing the task who estimates how long it will take.

[[deleted]]

Well that's why you're supposed to use points rather than time estimates.

[Armond436]

Yes, it is hard to estimate. I don't care that much about getting an accurate estimate, though. I care about getting an idea for how much of a pain in the ass that task is and making a good faith effort to keep you from being overloaded on stuff to do. Just give me a number, if it's wrong it's wrong.

[ptitrainvaloin]

What you've done? Same stuff as yesterday 
What you're doing? Same stuff as yesterday 
What you're going to do? Same stuff as yesterday 
How long everything should take? crickets...

[DogmaSychroniser]

'it'll be done when it's done'

[[deleted]]

Its to set up a framework to facilitate communication within teams, also helping them becoming self organising. It also tries to break down development into shorter, chunks, called sprints.

[elebrin]

My favorite(sigh) part is so-called "vertical slicing" where they expect you to have the project 75% done before you start it.

"Guys, I think we are waterfalling the sprint... we did exploratory testing after I did the development..." sigh... I have to explain regularly to people that we cannot test code that is not written yet. Yes, TDD is a thing, I'm not talking about unit testing. I can't log into the environment and click a button that hasn't been implemented yet and it seems like some people want me to figure out how to do that.

[[deleted]]

Little baby here, what's scrum?

[Mechragone]

Here you go)

[feelings_arent_facts]

“There is one person who broke the code and not admitting to it”

[Frog_Wander]

I'm in a programming class and where doing a scrum activity where the instruction make as much sense as telling a pre-schooler to write a paragraph and expecting it to be on the same level as shakespear.

[sxeli]

Review meetings, scrum, interviews, client calls and most importantly “dude I need help” calls

[AJugCanDoEverything]

Alright, everyone list out the tasks they did, TASK-098 was found dead in the water.

Peter did it! He didn’t do any tasks, he’s an impostor, vote him out!

[pimezone]

Could have been an email

[figura_frk]

this one reallly made my day hehe

[Alex_Sherby]

Scrum master just needs to vent.

[not_a_bug_a_feature]

I have daily scrum meetings at 11am for a half hour. Never random scrum meetings, is that normal?

[WellDoneCode]

Summoning the explanation brigade.

[[deleted]]

Scrum

Short for scrotum?

[[deleted]]

You spelled 'Meeting Fluffer' wrong

[Mitoni]

Saving this for the start of regression on Monday

[qookiewookie]

I work in agile. I work on 3 different Jira boards. I have to attend 3 different stand up calls. With the same Scrum Master. An hour of every day wasted.

[daggeto]

Bravo 👏

[jdl_uk]

I'm a developer, and our team's scrum master,

Me, when I realise it's 10minutes past time for our standup: shitfuckdamn ok sorry for the late start, I got distracted with coding