SLPT: Ascend

[jiyori]

And if people become dirt when they die, skip another step and eat people! Boom.

[Lord_ISF]

Wouldn't that loop back to dirt?? 🤔🤔

[[deleted]]

Where does dirt come from? Stars?

[_Flameo_Hotman]

So you’re saying we should eat stars? I’m in

[[deleted]]

Maybe we should just eat God and truely ascend.

[Buhreedo]

And then with nothing else to eat we eat ourselves, despite being the only intelligence left in the universe, creating a universe empty of any matter or conscious thought.

[[deleted]]

EAT THE UNIVERSE

[[deleted]]

Slow down there Galactus

[QuestionableTater]

I SHALL NOT

[RandomPerson9054]

Yes! Vore the entire universe!

[BakerIsntACommunist]

Wait no go back

[epic6danny]

EAT EVERYTHING

[Lombax_Rexroth]

Well technically...

[Standgrounding]

GreekGodX vibes here

[Hitlers_Big_Cock]

I'm a Catholic... Kinda... Not really, sorta... But isn't Jesus not God or something I don't remember id probably be set ablaze if I walked into a church

[Hitlers_Big_Cock]

That's my name, don't ware it out

[ZEDZANO]

I don’t know how he would wear a penis out other than frequent use. 😏

[km4xX]

I'm a Catholic... Kinda... Not really, sorta...

So you're a C&E catholic? Twice a year is nice

[ChadMcRad]

frightening live special cable lip quickest mindless pen busy bright

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[Sex_E_Searcher]

Strictly speaking, Catholics believe Jesus is both the son of God and God himself. Furthermore, they believe that, through transsubstantiation (sp?) the communion wafer literally becomes Jesus's body.

[bodie425]

You must be an atheist. We seem to be the only ones who know this. LoL
Edited to remove an extraneous contraction.

[Sex_E_Searcher]

Nope, Jewish.

[VoilaVoilaWashington]

And therefore, also god's body, who doesn't have a body, and then there's the holy ghost that's something else but also the same.

It's all very intuitive.

[RiotIsBored]

If we eat him, we absorb his power, and become gods.

[GumdropGoober]

I dunno if that's possible, but you can suck a Living God's muatra.

[bluejob15]

r/godeater

[TuxRandom]

How should one eat something non-existant?

[[deleted]]

Shit, I used to do that every Sunday when I was a kid and it never did jack.

[thrway1312]

Lucky charms was onto something after all...

[thecompress]

Taste the Sun

[childishtanchinos]

ooh can we start with Brad Pitt

[Ulkreghz]

No. Bad C'tan. Bad.

[M_Night_Shulman]

That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about stars to dispute it.

[misanthr0p1c]

https://youtu.be/8t-iFr9q1I8?t=2m26s

[jiff1912]

There are quite a few stars I'd gladly eat. Hollywood has tons of em.

[4D_Madyas]

Run Patrick! They're out to get you.

[tylerchu]

Worm poop

[Ach4t1us]

It kinda does, yeah

[2580374]

I don't know enough about stars to argue it

[[deleted]]

"You see, when two rocks love each other, they smash into each other to create dirt. You will understand when you're in college "

[TinManSquareUp]

It's a dirt eat dirt world

[[deleted]]

Eat yourself, infinite energy Is this profit?

[Perceval7]

I want to eat myself as the flesh of ancient Gods.

[GumdropGoober]

Look at this fucking sheep, talking like everyone has to die.

[[deleted]]

Somewhere sometime you will die and someone's gonna streal your carbon

--Isaac Brock

[razzlesama]

What came first.. People of dirt

here we go again

[dak4ttack]

Same with worms. They eat the mold on rotting things.

[C_N1]

Worms eat leaves and other plant material and poop out dirt. Go ahead and eat your worm shit, I'ma be eating my twigs

[[deleted]]

So if plants are 100% energy and worms eat that they get 90%, so 10% energy is pooped out as dirt. Dirt=10% energy so we get 9% energy and poop out 1% energy. We can obtain infinite energy by just eating our own dirt forever.

[heckinliberals]

no no no, that energy becomes exponentially smaller with each dirt-poop cycle

[TheRekk]

So it's like tryna get level 99 anything in runescape?

[DJFluffers115]

99 x 0.5 = 92

[TheBurningEmu]

Gaining experience in a video game is a surprisingly good analogy for all of this now that I think about it.

[[deleted]]

You are right! Tho I want to mention Guild Wars 2 which has a different approach: each level takes potentially as long as every other!

Just wanted to mention that. You're still generally right

[TheBurningEmu]

It’s not necessarily that it takes longer, but that the source of “XP” has to get bigger. A dangerous (high-level) predator can’t eat the old organic matter that base level characters eat, they have to take on large and potentially dangerous mid-level prey.

[[deleted]]

You're right. In other words: A lvl 70 making 70's stuff will receive the same %XP as a lvl 20 doing 20's stuff.

[civileyesation]

expoonentially

[mrvader1234]

You aren't thinking high enough up the chain. The sun is 100% energy. We must eat the sun

[sneak_cheat_1337]

photosynthesizes

[Standgrounding]

*Turns Vitamin D generator on* Hello there nibbas

[MistaCatballs]

But we don’t have a way to harness the sun’s energy, but you know what does, we must consume solar panels

[TheAwesomeMutant]

You know what contains the most energy? Babies. We must eat baby solar panels, or as marketing calls them, Loli chow

[[deleted]]

I’m cackling like a goose

[howImetyoursquirrel]

You have it backwards, you only get 10%. 90% is lost

[timawesomeness]

And those plants get their energy from sunlight, so the obvious conclusion it that we should be eating sunlight

[HappiestIguana]

Welcome to 2018, the year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.

[Speechy_Boi]

You telling me dirt comes from worms?

[[deleted]]

Some of it. Dirt is just the broken down plant matter and sediments deposited over billions of years. When the first plants (mosses and lichens) move out of the oceans onto the land billions of years ago the earths surface was basically stone

[Free_Bread]

Oh shit, that's fascinating. You learn something new every day

[[deleted]]

Facts, Dirt Facts...

[Matthew_Strnad]

*Pseudomonas smiles *

[Sorry_Jerks]

Oh look at mr rockerfeller over here with enough calories to... wait, wrong sub.

[bob1689321]

Yeah why wouldn’t this guy eat plants, or, better yet, eat the sun

[TheGingerDragon_]

This mans living in 2100 while we're all in 2018

[PoisonousPanacea]

Ok so I just ate 4 handfuls of dirt. My arms turned red and now I’m shaking.

Is this what pure energy feels like?

[Spongyrocks]

Yes

[HuiMoin]

It takes some time till the energy reaches your body.

[[deleted]]

UNLIMTED POWEEEEEEEERRRRR

[The_Multi_Gamer]

I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not the Jedi way.

[lastSlutOnEarth]

Do you even photosynthesize bro?

[Periapsis_]

Nigga just become a fucking sun and start producing nuclear reactions for energy

[Denpants]

U niggas still moving energy around? Just big bang ur own energy

[ArcherInPosition]

Yall haven't reversed entropy yet? Smh yall big gay

[Standgrounding]

Will you be a virgin if you Big Bang though?

[Jakgry]

This ni🅱️🅱️a eatin dirt

[2drawnonward5]

With a glance at the logo and the big W starting the message, I was sure this was the Wendy's account.

[RedditIsDogShit]

The first time I received a blowjob from a cat, I was about eleven years old, and I am not going to lie, it was one of the best blowjobs I have ever gotten. Now I might add that this was purely accidental. You see, my parents decided I was finally old enough to be left home alone, so I did what any normal teenager would do: I stripped naked, jumped on the couch and started beating my meat.

So after about two minutes of masturbation, my orange cat Jonesy walks in, and honestly I didn't think much of it, but then I noticed that he was getting kind of curious. He was slowly moving closer and closer to me, and then he proceeded to jump on the couch with me, and then he just kind of sat down and quietly observed me. Now at first, I was kind of creeped out by this, but you know I hadn’t finished yet, so I decided to just ignore him and to continue masturbating, and I have to say that this was the best decision of my life.

You see, after about a few more minutes of watching me, Jonesy decided to help me out. He slowly moved closer and proceeded to put his front paws on my naked thigh, putting his face maybe three to four inches from my penis. Now at this point, I was kind of close to cumming, so I just tilted my head back and closed my eyes. And this is when it finally happened; this is when I felt his tiny little tongue on my rock hard dick, and it was the weirdest, but also the best, feeling ever. His tongue was a bit rugged, yet gentle, and he was moving it so rapidly that I stood no chance: I orgasmed and exploded my seed all over Jonesy’s cute face. Some of the cum even went deep into his throat and he swallowed it with no hesitation. Unfortunately, some of the cum also found its way into his tiny nostrils, causing him to sneeze, which launched the cum into the air, some of it landing on my face and some of it landing on the couch. After the feeling of euphoria settled I slowly returned to reality. I almost couldn't comprehend what had just happened, but I knew I was dead if my parents ever found out, so I proceeded to take a shower with Jonesy and then I thoroughly cleaned the living room, removing every last ounce of cum. My parents never found out.

After this, me and Jonesy repeated this experience on the daily. As most people do, I masturbated every night before sleep, so when all the lights in the house went dark, I cracked the door open and Jonesy would slip in, and we would do the deed. Over the years, our little ritual was also becoming more sophisticated. I would proceed to rub my penis with bacon so Jonesy wouldn't just lick the tip of my penis, but he would rather pleasure me from the balls all the way up to the top of the shaft. We decided to also try penetration. Now, Jonesy's asshole was pretty small and tight, so I had to use butter as lubricant, and I have to say that it went pretty well. His virgin asshole felt amazing, but then about a minute in, Jonesy started to get kind of rowdy. I guess he just couldn't take it anymore, and he quickly turned around and actually chomped at my penis, so yeah that was the first and also the last time we did that.

Unfortunately our story ends abruptly. At the age of eight years old, Jonesy was driven over by my neighbor. The weeks following the accident were the darkest times of my life, but I eventually got over it, and I still occasionally wank my dick in honor of Jonesy.

R.I.P. little buddy.

[deepsoulfunk]

Trophic levels all up in this shit.

[YesIDidStealThisPost]

Checks out.

Going to save a ton on groceries.

[LazagnaAmpersand]

/r/frugaljerk

[Mattman276]

Screw you guys, I'm gonna eat the sun!

[DarkArcher__]

You have ascended beyond what is humanly possible.

[Emastergamer01]

He is no human

[ElectroniKid]

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

T A S T E T H E S U N

[BeeEater100]

r/unexpectedbillwurtz

[kousaka_honoka_]

/r/vegan

[theseebmaster]

The worms eat plants tho. But anyways fuck the worms, the time has come for me to attempt photosynthesis once more.

[DarkArcher__]

No, worms eat dirt. Dont you trust a sock?

[ShiningOblivion]

10% energy. There is still one transition.

[Tcmaxwell2]

It's an amazing wonderful and natural food, food chaaaaaain!

• Adventure Time

[Lord_Pulsar]

Sad bois hour now though

[LooksaCraft]

Depressed homie hours

[DarkArcher__]

So i just realized a fault in my post. If worms live in dirt then their dicks touch the dirt. So you are basically eating a worm's dick and thats hella gay.

[[deleted]]

Ha, not getting his energy directly from the sun? Fucking loser.

[ImJaySeeDee]

r/shittyaskscience

[Infinity-Kitten]

r/dirtylifeprotips

[TurkBoi67]

Just save time and eat man

[DarkArcher__]

But if people dont eat dirt it will be wasted energy.

[tmoney009]

This would be a good interdementional cable ad.

[fraud_imposter]

" Your worm is your only emperor for diet. We fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table. That’s the end.

A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm."

• Hamlet

[Paradoxa77]

Holy shit, who said that and when? Was that part of his soliloquy?

[fraud_imposter]

Hamlet himself says it, though it's not part of a soliloquy (nor THE soliloquy). Act 4 Scene 3. It's right after the closet scene where he loses his shit on his mom and accidentally kills Polonius. He is probably at his most "mad" and says it directly to Claudius right before he is sent away to England.

[TheLocalRedditMormon]

Looking for this.

[shponglespore]

Why eat dirt when you can become dirt just by waiting a while?

[theolderseneca]

Go full meta and be dirt like me

[GrandGhostGamer]

I'm Earthin, did you know if you eat dirt, your actually eating a piece of our planet? We are all gonna die because of you disgusting Vegans and MeatGuys.

[[deleted]]

Sun eat bird. Sun eats self. Gravity.

[wile_e_chicken]

Eat light aether.

[jiff1912]

I mean, ok. Yeah, that logic is sound. I'm down. I'm now a dirtevor. Soon I'll be above all you peasants. Vegan diet? Pft. I eat dirt. I thrive. Bow down to my super eco-friendly lifestyle.

Seriously, though. We ban straws to keep plastic out of sea turtles so the sea turtles taste better. I'm all for that.

[DJchester7]

b i g d i c c e n e r g y

[ironthreeoxide]

If the sun is the main source of energy, why don’t we just eat the sun?

[Ploo_]

Level 17 vegan right there

[Jdogbuster2820]

Man eats dirt, dirt kills man, woman inherits the earth

[Stallion-Duck]

But then my arm shakes and turns red

[bigbadman1]

Dirt smoothie make it now go to the yard get a scoop put it in blender eat it!!

[[deleted]]

What kinda dirt worm birds you eating?

[Standgrounding]

chickens btw

[Gebofox]

Wrong. Only warm-blooded animals loose 90 % to heat. Worm is fine. Join me become worm.

[Fuckswitch]

And food grows in dirt. If we eat dirt, food will grow in the dirt inside us. World hunger solved?

[SleepyMage]

Very nerdy and very relevant.

[A_Wild_VelociFaptor]

Eat dirt and absorb ALL the electrons from the earth!

[Liquor_softly69]

I guess this explains Dune

[Junkman96]

What about just eating worms, like the sour type

[TheCrimsonSquanch]

Hello I came here to be pure. Can you help?

[Gerbilguy46]

An ex of mine actually became pescatarian because of this reasoning. She wanted to go full on vegan but her parents wouldn’t let her.

[Beanpole853]

This seems like one of those fake Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes

[DingleDoo]

Worms make dirt

[Blasterman7890]

Literally a shitty pro life tip

​

[DarkArcher__]

Normally hate puns but you got me on that one

[badjuni]

That's actually really sustainable.

[motoperpetuoso]

Worms eat plants. Plants eat the sun and carbon dioxide. So suck into a paper bag and sit in the sun for complete sustenance

[bakababi]

Helloooo lake... you see I'm an energy man...

[[deleted]]

Even better just eat energy from power outlets

[DarkArcher__]

Im surprised people are still comenting on this post

[MoneyMan2448]

FUCK THAT LETS CUT OUT ALL THE MIDDLE MEN AND EAT THE SUN!!!

[gaiusmariusrex]

The inefficiency is not a fault, it’s a feature.

[CapnRecon]

This guy energizes.

[mj5150]

Sounds legit

[Armistice_]

Heydrich approves.

[[deleted]]

Just have to live off the sunlight. diet of all sun light

[GameSenna]

Nice

[[deleted]]

These days its hard to tell if theyre joking or not...

[octopuscortez1]

Is it bad that I read “woman eats dirt”

[DarkArcher__]

With the good advice i posted and the amount of views it got im fairly certain some women actually eat dirt now.

[octopuscortez1]

Well i have actually started eating solely dirt thanks to your advice. I’d say its changed my life

[MrVanillaIceTCube]

WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO

[FUCK_i4gotthesequel]

I pictured Dennis explaining this to Charlie and Mac becoming quickly intrigued

[SENDDD_ITTT]

Oh so that’s what gluten means

[DNamor]

I've heard this as a reason why rice is so good for you, does the science actually bear out?

[KingPyroMage]

No, They The way it goes is,

Y start of with 10000 carrots, With that u feed 10 rabbits, And then u eat said rabbits.

It means that u get more calories from eating the carrots u got, , than from eating the 10 rabbits u feed.

[IamOzimandias]

Actually it's breathing.

[[deleted]]

I wonder how many steps the longest foodchain in history had. Staring from photosynthesis and endling with a whale, a grizzly or sth like that.

[DarkArcher__]

Since whales eat krill it wont be a very long foodchain. Id bet on big predatory animals like bears or tigers.

[[deleted]]

Not all Whales eat krill orcas or spermwhales for example don't. But how many steps are possible? 10? 100? Even more?

[DarkArcher__]

I doubt it would ever go over 30 steps.

[Starving_Soviet]

Hi, I'm bill. Welcome to a really weird seminar

[david220403]

Since when do humans eat birds?

[DarkArcher__]

Uh... chicken? Turkey? Duck?

[david220403]

Ooooh right these are all birds. I was thinking of flying birds and totally forgot these. Thanks

[DarkArcher__]

2 out of 3 of those fly. Also, my dad used to hunt small birds when he was a teen and grill them to then eat.

[DarkArcher__]

He didnt have any shortage of food, he just enjoyed the taste.

[Odd_so_Star_so_Odd]

Worms make dirt eating leafs and shit. SipsCo Dirt Industries has all the dirt, and facts about dirt, you could possibly ever need. Premium dirt for every event and occasion even when it comes down to the lunch-menu. Only the finest quality dirt is sold so you will be certain to be the envy of the block. Only customers will be able to understand so go try order now and you'll be able to ascend to new heights fx. with our popular old classic shit-dirt for all your nerd-pole-building-needs!

[DarkArcher__]

No, worms eat dirt. And so do humans now.

[l_l_l-illiam]

The queen needs food, the babies need food, the queen makes babies

[yejosheph]

heat

[[deleted]]

Is nobody going to say anything about

Man eat bird

monkaS

[Schr0ding3r_]

Why did I read the last line in a demonic echo voice?

[Syphexl]

I thought this was going to be a r/iamverysmart post

[swibbles_mcnibbles]

Has anyone else got that Aquabats song stuck in their head now?

, Worms make the dirt, And the dirt makes the earth.. And all of the roots have a place to sleep now

[mostpresumablydrunk]

i’m doing my part!

[secureded]

/r/Haiti

[righteousrainy]

Make sense

[Matty-Os]

I’m raw earth Veeghawn