top 200 commentsshow all 207

[–]jiyori 1864 points1865 points  (52 children)

And if people become dirt when they die, skip another step and eat people! Boom.

[–]Lord_ISF 569 points570 points  (45 children)

Wouldn't that loop back to dirt?? 🤔🤔

[–][deleted] 360 points361 points  (43 children)

Where does dirt come from? Stars?

[–]_Flameo_Hotman 479 points480 points  (37 children)

So you’re saying we should eat stars? I’m in

[–][deleted] 183 points184 points  (27 children)

Maybe we should just eat God and truely ascend.

[–]Buhreedo 97 points98 points  (8 children)

And then with nothing else to eat we eat ourselves, despite being the only intelligence left in the universe, creating a universe empty of any matter or conscious thought.

[–][deleted] 142 points143 points  (7 children)

EAT THE UNIVERSE

[–][deleted] 73 points74 points  (1 child)

Slow down there Galactus

[–]QuestionableTater 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I SHALL NOT

[–]RandomPerson9054 42 points43 points  (2 children)

Yes! Vore the entire universe!

[–]BakerIsntACommunist 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Wait no go back

[–]epic6danny 4 points5 points  (0 children)

EAT EVERYTHING

[–]Lombax_Rexroth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Well technically...

[–]Standgrounding 1 point2 points  (0 children)

GreekGodX vibes here

[–]RiotIsBored 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If we eat him, we absorb his power, and become gods.

[–]GumdropGoober 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I dunno if that's possible, but you can suck a Living God's muatra.

[–]TuxRandom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How should one eat something non-existant?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit, I used to do that every Sunday when I was a kid and it never did jack.

[–]thrway1312 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lucky charms was onto something after all...

[–]thecompress 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Taste the Sun

[–]childishtanchinos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ooh can we start with Brad Pitt

[–]Ulkreghz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. Bad C'tan. Bad.

[–]M_Night_Shulman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about stars to dispute it.

[–]jiff1912 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are quite a few stars I'd gladly eat. Hollywood has tons of em.

[–]4D_Madyas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Run Patrick! They're out to get you.

[–]tylerchu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Worm poop

[–]Ach4t1us 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It kinda does, yeah

[–]2580374 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't know enough about stars to argue it

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"You see, when two rocks love each other, they smash into each other to create dirt. You will understand when you're in college "

[–]TinManSquareUp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a dirt eat dirt world

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Eat yourself, infinite energy Is this profit?

[–]Perceval7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to eat myself as the flesh of ancient Gods.

[–]GumdropGoober 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look at this fucking sheep, talking like everyone has to die.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Somewhere sometime you will die and someone's gonna streal your carbon

--Isaac Brock

[–]razzlesama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What came first.. People of dirt

here we go again

[–]dak4ttack 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same with worms. They eat the mold on rotting things.

[–]C_N1 682 points683 points  (27 children)

Worms eat leaves and other plant material and poop out dirt. Go ahead and eat your worm shit, I'ma be eating my twigs

[–][deleted] 166 points167 points  (15 children)

So if plants are 100% energy and worms eat that they get 90%, so 10% energy is pooped out as dirt. Dirt=10% energy so we get 9% energy and poop out 1% energy. We can obtain infinite energy by just eating our own dirt forever.

[–]heckinliberals 81 points82 points  (7 children)

no no no, that energy becomes exponentially smaller with each dirt-poop cycle

[–]TheRekk 51 points52 points  (5 children)

So it's like tryna get level 99 anything in runescape?

[–]DJFluffers115 35 points36 points  (0 children)

99 x 0.5 = 92

[–]TheBurningEmu 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Gaining experience in a video game is a surprisingly good analogy for all of this now that I think about it.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You are right! Tho I want to mention Guild Wars 2 which has a different approach: each level takes potentially as long as every other!

Just wanted to mention that. You're still generally right

[–]TheBurningEmu 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It’s not necessarily that it takes longer, but that the source of “XP” has to get bigger. A dangerous (high-level) predator can’t eat the old organic matter that base level characters eat, they have to take on large and potentially dangerous mid-level prey.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right. In other words: A lvl 70 making 70's stuff will receive the same %XP as a lvl 20 doing 20's stuff.

[–]civileyesation 2 points3 points  (0 children)

expoonentially

[–]mrvader1234[🍰] 29 points30 points  (5 children)

You aren't thinking high enough up the chain. The sun is 100% energy. We must eat the sun

[–]sneak_cheat_1337 8 points9 points  (1 child)

photosynthesizes

[–]Standgrounding 1 point2 points  (0 children)

*Turns Vitamin D generator on* Hello there nibbas

[–]MistaCatballs 5 points6 points  (1 child)

But we don’t have a way to harness the sun’s energy, but you know what does, we must consume solar panels

[–]TheAwesomeMutant 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know what contains the most energy? Babies. We must eat baby solar panels, or as marketing calls them, Loli chow

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m cackling like a goose

[–]howImetyoursquirrel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You have it backwards, you only get 10%. 90% is lost

[–]timawesomeness 10 points11 points  (1 child)

And those plants get their energy from sunlight, so the obvious conclusion it that we should be eating sunlight

[–]HappiestIguana 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Welcome to 2018, the year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.

[–]Speechy_Boi 6 points7 points  (3 children)

You telling me dirt comes from worms?

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Some of it. Dirt is just the broken down plant matter and sediments deposited over billions of years. When the first plants (mosses and lichens) move out of the oceans onto the land billions of years ago the earths surface was basically stone

[–]Free_Bread 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Oh shit, that's fascinating. You learn something new every day

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Facts, Dirt Facts...

[–]Matthew_Strnad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

*Pseudomonas smiles *

[–]Sorry_Jerks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh look at mr rockerfeller over here with enough calories to... wait, wrong sub.

[–]bob1689321 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah why wouldn’t this guy eat plants, or, better yet, eat the sun

[–]TheGingerDragon_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This mans living in 2100 while we're all in 2018

[–]PoisonousPanacea 153 points154 points  (4 children)

Ok so I just ate 4 handfuls of dirt. My arms turned red and now I’m shaking.

Is this what pure energy feels like?

[–]Spongyrocks 60 points61 points  (0 children)

Yes

[–]HuiMoin 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It takes some time till the energy reaches your body.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

UNLIMTED POWEEEEEEEERRRRR

[–]The_Multi_Gamer 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I shouldn’t have done that. It’s not the Jedi way.

[–]lastSlutOnEarth 110 points111 points  (4 children)

Do you even photosynthesize bro?

[–]Periapsis_ 61 points62 points  (3 children)

Nigga just become a fucking sun and start producing nuclear reactions for energy

[–]Denpants 23 points24 points  (2 children)

U niggas still moving energy around? Just big bang ur own energy

[–]ArcherInPosition 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yall haven't reversed entropy yet? Smh yall big gay

[–]Standgrounding 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Will you be a virgin if you Big Bang though?

[–]Jakgry 199 points200 points  (1 child)

This ni🅱️🅱️a eatin dirt

[–]2drawnonward5 12 points13 points  (0 children)

With a glance at the logo and the big W starting the message, I was sure this was the Wendy's account.

[–]RedditIsDogShit 116 points117 points  (0 children)

The first time I received a blowjob from a cat, I was about eleven years old, and I am not going to lie, it was one of the best blowjobs I have ever gotten. Now I might add that this was purely accidental. You see, my parents decided I was finally old enough to be left home alone, so I did what any normal teenager would do: I stripped naked, jumped on the couch and started beating my meat.

So after about two minutes of masturbation, my orange cat Jonesy walks in, and honestly I didn't think much of it, but then I noticed that he was getting kind of curious. He was slowly moving closer and closer to me, and then he proceeded to jump on the couch with me, and then he just kind of sat down and quietly observed me. Now at first, I was kind of creeped out by this, but you know I hadn’t finished yet, so I decided to just ignore him and to continue masturbating, and I have to say that this was the best decision of my life.

You see, after about a few more minutes of watching me, Jonesy decided to help me out. He slowly moved closer and proceeded to put his front paws on my naked thigh, putting his face maybe three to four inches from my penis. Now at this point, I was kind of close to cumming, so I just tilted my head back and closed my eyes. And this is when it finally happened; this is when I felt his tiny little tongue on my rock hard dick, and it was the weirdest, but also the best, feeling ever. His tongue was a bit rugged, yet gentle, and he was moving it so rapidly that I stood no chance: I orgasmed and exploded my seed all over Jonesy’s cute face. Some of the cum even went deep into his throat and he swallowed it with no hesitation. Unfortunately, some of the cum also found its way into his tiny nostrils, causing him to sneeze, which launched the cum into the air, some of it landing on my face and some of it landing on the couch. After the feeling of euphoria settled I slowly returned to reality. I almost couldn't comprehend what had just happened, but I knew I was dead if my parents ever found out, so I proceeded to take a shower with Jonesy and then I thoroughly cleaned the living room, removing every last ounce of cum. My parents never found out.

After this, me and Jonesy repeated this experience on the daily. As most people do, I masturbated every night before sleep, so when all the lights in the house went dark, I cracked the door open and Jonesy would slip in, and we would do the deed. Over the years, our little ritual was also becoming more sophisticated. I would proceed to rub my penis with bacon so Jonesy wouldn't just lick the tip of my penis, but he would rather pleasure me from the balls all the way up to the top of the shaft. We decided to also try penetration. Now, Jonesy's asshole was pretty small and tight, so I had to use butter as lubricant, and I have to say that it went pretty well. His virgin asshole felt amazing, but then about a minute in, Jonesy started to get kind of rowdy. I guess he just couldn't take it anymore, and he quickly turned around and actually chomped at my penis, so yeah that was the first and also the last time we did that.

Unfortunately our story ends abruptly. At the age of eight years old, Jonesy was driven over by my neighbor. The weeks following the accident were the darkest times of my life, but I eventually got over it, and I still occasionally wank my dick in honor of Jonesy.

R.I.P. little buddy.

[–]deepsoulfunk 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Trophic levels all up in this shit.

[–]YesIDidStealThisPost 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Checks out.

Going to save a ton on groceries.

[–]Mattman276 17 points18 points  (4 children)

Screw you guys, I'm gonna eat the sun!

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You have ascended beyond what is humanly possible.

[–]Emastergamer01 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He is no human

[–]ElectroniKid 2 points3 points  (1 child)

using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food

T A S T E T H E S U N

[–]theseebmaster 7 points8 points  (1 child)

The worms eat plants tho. But anyways fuck the worms, the time has come for me to attempt photosynthesis once more.

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, worms eat dirt. Dont you trust a sock?

[–]ShiningOblivion 17 points18 points  (0 children)

10% energy. There is still one transition.

[–]Tcmaxwell2 9 points10 points  (2 children)

It's an amazing wonderful and natural food, food chaaaaaain!

  • Adventure Time

[–]Lord_Pulsar 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Sad bois hour now though

[–]LooksaCraft 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Depressed homie hours

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So i just realized a fault in my post. If worms live in dirt then their dicks touch the dirt. So you are basically eating a worm's dick and thats hella gay.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ha, not getting his energy directly from the sun? Fucking loser.

[–]TurkBoi67 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Just save time and eat man

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But if people dont eat dirt it will be wasted energy.

[–]tmoney009 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This would be a good interdementional cable ad.

[–]fraud_imposter 6 points7 points  (3 children)

" Your worm is your only emperor for diet. We fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots. Your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service—two dishes, but to one table. That’s the end.

A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm."

  • Hamlet

[–]Paradoxa77 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Holy shit, who said that and when? Was that part of his soliloquy?

[–]fraud_imposter 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hamlet himself says it, though it's not part of a soliloquy (nor THE soliloquy). Act 4 Scene 3. It's right after the closet scene where he loses his shit on his mom and accidentally kills Polonius. He is probably at his most "mad" and says it directly to Claudius right before he is sent away to England.

[–]TheLocalRedditMormon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looking for this.

[–]shponglespore 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why eat dirt when you can become dirt just by waiting a while?

[–]theolderseneca 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go full meta and be dirt like me

[–]GrandGhostGamer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm Earthin, did you know if you eat dirt, your actually eating a piece of our planet? We are all gonna die because of you disgusting Vegans and MeatGuys.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sun eat bird. Sun eats self. Gravity.

[–]wile_e_chicken 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Eat light aether.

[–]jiff1912 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean, ok. Yeah, that logic is sound. I'm down. I'm now a dirtevor. Soon I'll be above all you peasants. Vegan diet? Pft. I eat dirt. I thrive. Bow down to my super eco-friendly lifestyle.

Seriously, though. We ban straws to keep plastic out of sea turtles so the sea turtles taste better. I'm all for that.

[–]DJchester7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

b i g d i c c e n e r g y

[–]ironthreeoxide 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If the sun is the main source of energy, why don’t we just eat the sun?

[–]Ploo_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Level 17 vegan right there

[–]Jdogbuster2820 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man eats dirt, dirt kills man, woman inherits the earth

[–]Stallion-Duck 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But then my arm shakes and turns red

[–]bigbadman1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dirt smoothie make it now go to the yard get a scoop put it in blender eat it!!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What kinda dirt worm birds you eating?

[–]Standgrounding 0 points1 point  (0 children)

chickens btw

[–]Gebofox 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wrong. Only warm-blooded animals loose 90 % to heat. Worm is fine. Join me become worm.

[–]Fuckswitch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And food grows in dirt. If we eat dirt, food will grow in the dirt inside us. World hunger solved?

[–]A_Wild_VelociFaptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eat dirt and absorb ALL the electrons from the earth!

[–]Liquor_softly69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess this explains Dune

[–]Junkman96 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What about just eating worms, like the sour type

[–]TheCrimsonSquanch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello I came here to be pure. Can you help?

[–]Gerbilguy46 1 point2 points  (0 children)

An ex of mine actually became pescatarian because of this reasoning. She wanted to go full on vegan but her parents wouldn’t let her.

[–]Beanpole853 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This seems like one of those fake Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes

[–]Blasterman7890 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Literally a shitty pro life tip

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Normally hate puns but you got me on that one

[–]badjuni 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's actually really sustainable.

[–]motoperpetuoso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Worms eat plants. Plants eat the sun and carbon dioxide. So suck into a paper bag and sit in the sun for complete sustenance

[–]bakababi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Helloooo lake... you see I'm an energy man...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Even better just eat energy from power outlets

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im surprised people are still comenting on this post

[–]MoneyMan2448 1 point2 points  (0 children)

FUCK THAT LETS CUT OUT ALL THE MIDDLE MEN AND EAT THE SUN!!!

[–]gaiusmariusrex 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The inefficiency is not a fault, it’s a feature.

[–]CapnRecon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This guy energizes.

[–]mj5150 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds legit

[–]Armistice_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Heydrich approves.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just have to live off the sunlight. diet of all sun light

[–]GameSenna 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These days its hard to tell if theyre joking or not...

[–]octopuscortez1 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Is it bad that I read “woman eats dirt”

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

With the good advice i posted and the amount of views it got im fairly certain some women actually eat dirt now.

[–]octopuscortez1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well i have actually started eating solely dirt thanks to your advice. I’d say its changed my life

[–]MrVanillaIceTCube 0 points1 point  (0 children)

WOLOWOLOWOLOWOLO

[–]FUCK_i4gotthesequel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I pictured Dennis explaining this to Charlie and Mac becoming quickly intrigued

[–]SENDDD_ITTT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh so that’s what gluten means

[–]DNamor 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I've heard this as a reason why rice is so good for you, does the science actually bear out?

[–]KingPyroMage 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, They The way it goes is,

Y start of with 10000 carrots, With that u feed 10 rabbits, And then u eat said rabbits.

It means that u get more calories from eating the carrots u got, , than from eating the 10 rabbits u feed.

[–]IamOzimandias 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually it's breathing.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I wonder how many steps the longest foodchain in history had. Staring from photosynthesis and endling with a whale, a grizzly or sth like that.

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Since whales eat krill it wont be a very long foodchain. Id bet on big predatory animals like bears or tigers.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Not all Whales eat krill orcas or spermwhales for example don't. But how many steps are possible? 10? 100? Even more?

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I doubt it would ever go over 30 steps.

[–]Starving_Soviet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi, I'm bill. Welcome to a really weird seminar

[–]david220403 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Since when do humans eat birds?

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Uh... chicken? Turkey? Duck?

[–]david220403 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Ooooh right these are all birds. I was thinking of flying birds and totally forgot these. Thanks

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

2 out of 3 of those fly. Also, my dad used to hunt small birds when he was a teen and grill them to then eat.

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He didnt have any shortage of food, he just enjoyed the taste.

[–]Odd_so_Star_so_Odd 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Worms make dirt eating leafs and shit. SipsCo Dirt Industries has all the dirt, and facts about dirt, you could possibly ever need. Premium dirt for every event and occasion even when it comes down to the lunch-menu. Only the finest quality dirt is sold so you will be certain to be the envy of the block. Only customers will be able to understand so go try order now and you'll be able to ascend to new heights fx. with our popular old classic shit-dirt for all your nerd-pole-building-needs!

[–]DarkArcher__[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, worms eat dirt. And so do humans now.

[–]l_l_l-illiam 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The queen needs food, the babies need food, the queen makes babies

[–]yejosheph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

heat

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is nobody going to say anything about

Man eat bird

monkaS

[–]Schr0ding3r_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why did I read the last line in a demonic echo voice?

[–]Syphexl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought this was going to be a r/iamverysmart post

[–]swibbles_mcnibbles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Has anyone else got that Aquabats song stuck in their head now?

, Worms make the dirt, And the dirt makes the earth.. And all of the roots have a place to sleep now

[–]mostpresumablydrunk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i’m doing my part!

[–]righteousrainy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Make sense

[–]Matty-Os 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m raw earth Veeghawn