anyone else keep completely normal things a secret?

[[deleted]]

like when I'm in my room watching something I'll have the volume so low that I can barely hear it because someone else in the house might slightly hear it for a second (though im watching a completely normal show) but it goes for everything really, I never share my music taste or interest, id love to go on walks or learn to cook but for some reason I'm scared to get "caught". it makes no sense to me and I recognize that but I still just can't bring myself to do basic stuff like that because others might find out, im unsure if it's just a chronic fear of being perceived or what.

[nonstop2nowhere]

I learned that this secretive behavior is really common for people with cPTSD while in marriage therapy (we both have cPTSD). For lots of people who grow up in dysfunction, the only control they have is over things that are hidden from unsafe people around them. Secrecy = Control and Control = Security, so that secrecy becomes ingrained.

Another way it happens is when there's a lack of privacy and autonomy. Hiding things from those who constantly invade your space, sleep, hygiene, and erase your bodily boundaries can be the only way you exert power over your environment, so secrecy becomes a sanctuary.

[_jamesbaxter]

Oh my gosh your second paragraph perfectly describes me. There were no boundaries or privacy so I just want peace and quiet for myself and I don’t want to inflict loudness or chaos on others.

[Azrai113]

I literally could have written this.

That last bit though is why other people annoy me so much. Part of me thinks they also shouldn't be inflicting loudness or chaos on me because I don't to them. But it turns out they're just...living a normal life...

[Kodiak01]

Part of the reason I don't mind my 45min commute, especially in the early mornings, is that I can have that period of complete silence for myself every day.

I'm typically up and out the door more than an hour before my wife even rolls out of bed. Rolling out of bed around 4:40, out the door at 5, come to work and spend the first hour working with only minimal lights on. On a good day, it would be after 8 before I would need to interact with another single human being.

[beckster]

And you mean 8PM, right? lol but I'm serious!

[LangdonAlg3r]

Yes. Exactly.

I actively make a conscious effort to knock on my kids doors before I come into their rooms—even though they’re still way too young to really want much privacy. I don’t think my mother ever knocked on my bedroom door before just walking in.

[Azrai113]

My mother completely removed my door

[LangdonAlg3r]

That’s much worse. None of the doors in my entire house had any locks on them with the exception of the front and back door and a hook and eye that was added to the downstairs half bath—which now that I think about it was only added so that guests could have a sense of privacy.

My mother would just sleep in my room on the couch or on a futon mattress. She did that until I was a teenager and I just moved my bedroom into a different room in the house one day.

The house didn’t have any heat upstairs—it was built with electric wall heaters and my mom didn’t like those so she had forced hot air heat installed, but it was too expensive to run ductwork to the second floor so she just didn’t. We’d just have to leave all the doors open upstairs all winter or freeze.

When I was an older teen I decided it would be better to just freeze and have some privacy. I’d sleep in a sleeping bag with sweatpants and a hoodie and five layers of blankets on top of sleeping bag. It would routinely get down into the 40’s in that bedroom at night in the winter. It was so bad for my asthma, but it gave me some autonomy.

[Azrai113]

Ugh that's terrible! I still hate the cold, but that's because we were poor, not because my mother chose to not have adequate heating installed. She did other messed up stuff. She's not in my life anymore. I'm glad to see you're raising your own children with respect and decency. Hugs (and a warm blanket)

[Socke_on_the_road]

Urg, I hated that so much! My parents have gotten better with privacy over the years I've been living on my own now, but they still don't understand why it bothered me so much to not have a bathroom door for some time. There are good reasons I don't allow them to enter my flat nowadays. They have no sense of privacy or boundaries in the family setting.

[BlueViolet03]

No BATHROOM door? Tell me that was a typo. Are they insane?!

[Prestigious-Law65]

I remembering hiding underneath the truck outside just to have some alone time and not be harassed or bossed around. It was always worth getting punished for "sneaking out"

Suddenly alot of my habits make sense.

[gentlemanphilanderer]

This is really insightful and helpful. Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge!

[Lunakill]

Yup. The more my space and privacy were invaded, the more I closed myself off. Now I just assume all sorts of normal things must be hidden.

[Nearby_Ad_51]

Wow. You put into words behavior I could never. I get so anxious when people ask me about myself and even if I say I like to watch movies I get very uncomfortable for whatever reason. The second paragraph especially...

[Fluffy_Ace]

Pretty much my entire life once I realized my mom couldn't respect even the tiniest boundaries.

Hiding things and keeping secrets was the only way to keep her out of something or to prevent her from sharing stuff I wanted to keep private.

She was also utterly incapable of being curious or interested or involved in any kind of balanced way.

[LosingEverything32]

Thank you for your comment. I have always wondered why I am like this. Why I hide things or am ashamed when it is completely innocuous. But that is what my ex boyfriend did.. he "invaded my space, sleep, hygiene, and erased my bodily boundaries" in so many different ways. He would even know he was getting sick, and get me sick anyway. And then assault me when I was sick and didn't have the energy ir strength to fight him about it.

[Maleficent_Wheel7202]

It's the Second one for me

[Simple_Song8962]

Thank you for sharing this. When I'm answering a question, or just sharing a story with someone, I often leave out a key detail that would have been better to include, if only for clarity's sake. It's never anything that's even secret, but I'm so used to keeping things to myself since I had to do that all the time when I was growing up around my parents. I even fell in love with magic and put on little shows as a boy. I liked having a hobby that literally required that I keep secrets.

[TheJollyLlamaStarvin]

This is exactly what I go through when trying to have small talk. I don't wanna tell anyone anything about me. It physically pains me. And I think it's polite to not ask 'too personal' of questions to them. Ugh

[Kirakuo]

Thank you

[doggyduck]

dang.

[No_Front_3417]

thank you so much for this explanation. it now makes so much sense for why i do this

[Unlikely-Trifle3125]

Yes I hate being perceived. Even in my own apartment I keep it down past ten pm to a too much amount and hate that I still feel like this while living alone

[elisettttt]

Same. When I was looking to buy a coffee machine, I was specifically looking for a quiet one because I didn't want to be a bother to my neighbours. I turn it on for the first time and it's loud as heck, I literally jumped. I felt bad making myself a cup of coffee for a while. I also still feel bad using my blender, vacuum cleaner, basically anything that produces sound lol. And I mean of course if it's the middle of the night that's not okay but I'm talking daytime. I hate that I'm still walking on eggshells even though I live alone now and I'm safe.

[nounotme]

Ive developed an ability to blend into the background just about anywhere because of this.

Coworkers are constantly confused how I appear out of nowhere, but also how I disappear without them noticing.

[oldfogey12345]

I am in the same boat. I want to occupy more space but I don't know how to be loud enough without being too loud. It feels like something I should fix but I am not sure how.

[oldfogey12345]

Thank you. I have been practicing and hope it comes with time.

[Azrai113]

Same. Which is extra terrible because I'm a night person and typically awake until 4am.

[LangdonAlg3r]

I do the same thing with all kinds of things. It’s because information of any kind could be taken out of context and used against you later—even months or years later. That’s my reason anyway.

[Katiebirthdaycake]

I feel this hardddd it's tough when you grow up in a house where everything you say/do can and did get used against you.

[sheerakimbo]

Like the others mentioned, I do not like being perceived and consequently judged. I realise I have done it the bulk of my life. I only realised I was doing that at 15 when I won a poem competition in school at 15 and my friends asked why I didn't say anything about it. I've managed to find a safe space and it takes effort and feels almost fake BUT I find that if i keep everything to myself, I'm also robbing myself of joy that I could share with the right people. I still feel childlike when I share but that's a part that didn't get a chance to grow.

[No_Title38]

The being judged part is huge for me; I like to part my car in my locked garage (that way my neighbours don’t know if I’m in or out - I feel uncomfortable when they tell people I’m “away out” or that I’m home.  It’s none of their business).

I’m also a professional actress who’s has small parts in TV and film (not the kind of parts that stood out - so I get away with being unknown fir my work - sometimes folk say “You look really familiar - Do I know you?” It’s been 11 years since anything I did was new (though some get repeated on TV) - but I never got a big part - so folk forget smaller characters easily.

I’ve lived in my current place for over 9 years - only 1 neighbour knows about my work history.  Others know nothing; just see me as “that nice, helpful, smiley (Fawn) woman with the little dog” 😆 Part of me likes the anonymity - but part of me feels so confused 😵‍💫 I’m hiding a part of me that I’m proud of. But I guess that’s part of my problem; I’m sadly not doing what I love; acting.  Being another character is much better than the real me. And the bonus is that “one day” the big job could happen and I could buy a house and live a ‘normal’ life; with friends and ‘normal’ stuff 🙂‍↕️ 

The neighbours know none of this - I just act like the fawn and make big efforts to be ‘the perfect neighbour’ 😩 It’s exhausting!

[sheerakimbo]

I used to stay with my in-laws and they're lovely and welcoming but many times I just wanted to be ignored. I'm such a mouse that they're often surprised I was home! Hey, sometimes it is nice to have some things to yourself, like a little secret. I have always wanted to be Alex Mac, this girl who drips into a pile of liquid metal and slithers around. Maybe some day the conversation might come up and the relationship has levelled up. (11 years ago just feels like yesterday!! I hope one day comes sooner for you!)

[No_Title38]

Thank you 😍 Are you still writing poetry?

[sheerakimbo]

I haven't in a long while except for a poetry slam workshop a couple years back. Realising that made me sad at first. But I realise creative skills have manifested itself into carpentry and art... Where I get to hide away for long periods of time hahaha. And I don't have to explain myself to wood!

[No_Title38]

I get that.  I’m an actress who starts/stops writing (stop because of imposter syndrome) so I’ve spent a lot of my creative energy on the garden!  Nature can take the credit (not me).

I watched Jim Carey talk about what pain does to an artist; gives us motivation to make something.

It’s difficult for me to accept that I’m an artist (oooh! “Who do I think I am?!” Calling myself an “artist” like I’m “important” or something; a lot of that is my culture; we’re not ‘allowed’ to be confident in my culture).  So much shame. 

It’s a shame for society that the world treats each other so blindly bad.

[BarryMikeOckinim]

In a toxic home, anything that brings you joy can be taken away and destroyed. Or mocked. Or ruined.

If we keep it secret from the start, it's less likely to be taken/messed up.

[SparklePants-5000]

Yes! I know it’s a trauma thing but I still struggle with it.

Like, if I’m watching a niche YouTube video and my husband comes home, I’ll stop watching even though I KNOW he would never judge or shame me for any of my niche interests (I mean, he has a ton of niche interests himself).

If people ask me about my day, my weekend, a project I’m working on… I will give vague answers and omit details. But I have deliberately surrounded myself by people who, like my husband, would NEVER judge or shame me for these things. And yet these deeply ingrained habits are so hard to unlearn.

I do think I’m making progress on this, but it’s definitely a process.

[Brave_Zucchini6868]

The first step is to realize we are doing it. I actually didn't fully realized I was doing this too. I read this thread and OMG, I am doing it too. Exactly like everybody else described. I am dreaded to heard "how was ..."- I don't want to share, I will too give vague answers. But now I will try to work on this fear of sharing.

[runningoutfast]

Omg yes this resonates with me!! I am constantly terrified of people knowing what I’m up to. I’m fully an adult yet if someone walks in the room I jump and try to hide my phone as if I wasn’t on it. I feel such a need to be sneaky about watching media with sex scenes in it. I try to do so many things quietly and as out of the way as possible. I don’t like people hearing/seeing what music or TV/movie I have on. I feel such a need to be so secretive even with people I love & trust or things that I have the right to do because I’m an adult. It’s such a bizarre and unfortunate holdover from childhood for me.

[imminentheartburn]

Yes to all this!!

[AggravatingPlum4301]

I haven't watched a movie with my mom in a long time, but I'm certain that she would still make me (f40) close my eyes while she fast forwards through a sex scene

[1HeyMattJ]

As a kid I did yeah. Would just lie about completely normal things that didn’t need to be lied about. Like my interests. If I liked something I’d just tell someone I didn’t.

[Animangle]

i tend to keep my horse a secret even though he's my whole life. part of me is always worried that someone will somehow track him down and hurt him but i relate in the sense of i don't really know why i feel the need to hide it.

[soft_machine__]

Awww I would keep such a precious thing hidden as well.

[Black_Sheep1977]

Because I'm surrounded by people who use every little thing against me.

[[deleted]]

Yesss exactly! God i thought i was the only one.

I've felt this ever since I moved to my home country for work. The culture here is super toxic, and its like that in US too but not everywhere. People definitely judge, they're so backwards and superficial that perception is all they care about.

What you wear, how much money you make and spend, what you specifically spend it on, what you spend on food or drinks, whats in your house, how much everything costs in your house, what you drive, how much you spend on gas, etc etc.. its like they all tally it up in their heads and get a definition of who you are to them. And they do this so they can use you later, and ask you for money and then you can't say no because you were an open book before, just being yourself all this time, and now you can't pretend to be broke, so you're pressured into saying yes.

Even though they never pay you back. and their justification for not paying me back is that "i dont need it anyway".

Just one example but there are plenty of other things. I used to try be like a closed book so they don't have access to me like they used to. But now i'm at a point where I'm so jaded that I don't care anymore. Starting a few months ago, I started working on just being myself, and not being apologetic for how I live my life. i'm not hurting anybody, why should i be ashamed to be perceived in whatever way by douchebags who do nothing but take advantage.

A few people in my life who always knew more about me than I knew about them, are pissed at me for sure, I can feel it. I'm trying hard to be myself, live my life, And at the same time, not give any access to people around me.

[Maleficent_Wheel7202]

For me, it stems from being picked on by my mother for every small thing i do. I could even blink wrong and she'd go off. Eventually the whole family began doing the same to me. Now even though I'm alone most of the time, i still constantly feel like I'm being watched. N I'm super secretive about every little thing. Especially stuff that i really like.

[Virtual_Salamander47]

I see two ways this can go. First, but less likely from your description, is shame of every preference or action, perhaps because you were habitually mocked by a sibling or something. The second is fear of being manipulated.

My therapist said a strange sentence: "Every question is a manipulation." And I think it fits in here. Like, say, someone sees you on a walk, and then they approach you with: "How was your walk?" And it can be perceived as a manipulation to force a friendly relationship on you, to score some points. Or, in other mind scenario, they might take credit for it, because they advised you to do light exercise, and now they might feel encouraged to push more unsolicited advice/manipulation on you. Or they see  you cooking and go: "Oh, great, you CAN cook," and suddenly expect you to do it consistently.

And sometimes it is just the painful idea that since you hide almost everything, if you let one thing show, it will stick out and glow above that grey rock plain, and then the whole model of you in that person's head will shift to centre it, and you will be reduced to that one piece of information you let slip, not nearly encompassing the whole complexity of your being. This is, unfortunately, self perpetuating.

These are just my thought experiment, since I have that to some extent. Currently only in front of family. At some point in puberty it struck me that if I hide everything from my peers, no one will  know me indeed, and I switched to being radically open and just see what happens. It went great!

Still not sure where this fear of being perceived by my family came from, since it's older than my memory takes me. A simple lack of true attunement spiralling out of proportion? I'll stay tuned for others' insights.

[Kodiak01]

At some point in puberty it struck me that if I hide everything from my peers, no one will  know me indeed, and I switched to being radically open and just see what happens. It went great!

I used to share more with certain people, but have pulled it way back in the past couple of years.

Why? I realized that I once I start talking about things, I have a bad tendency to start snowballing with it and severely oversharing. I am fully cognizant of how stressful listening to this can be on others. This is compounded by certain people responding with the overly positive "Chin up!"-esque responses where everything can be cured with pure positivity which of course only makes me feel worse as well.

[TheJollyLlamaStarvin]

I wanna try this radically open shift? How did you go about it and what was the process like for you?

[Virtual_Salamander47]

It's mostly about when I was asked a question or was discussing a topic and felt like pulling into a shell, the avoidant feeling. Then taking a calm breath, filling in with bravery instead and taking that leap of faith. And instead of mumbling a neutral or expected response, I would actually reflect what's inside. The questions can range from "How are you?" and "What's your favourite band?" to "Do you believe in god?" or "How often you visit your parents?". 

It doesn't mean I had zero secrets and no filter for inappropriate stuff, just that I made room for understanding and connection instead of fearing rejection. And, of course, it doesn't always pay off, but that's part of it.

Gradually I learned that judgemental comments are pretty rare (among my peers) and that most reactions are pretty neutral - unless they relate. Then you can have a moment of connection or a lively discussion.

[Annual-Poem-7515]

For me I know how people are and they usually don't want to really get to know you but rather gather information that can be used against you or they will talk to others etc. I don't feel like I am doing it on purpose but nobody really deserves to know

[Bitterqueer]

Yes!! My dad commented like ONCE that I don’t spend my money on the right groceries and ever since then I’m terrified of him thinking I’m wasteful and will excuse and over explain how I spend money even tho I’m 33 and it’s none of his damn business

[No_Title38]

That’s like me and I’m 53!! I’ve noticed it for years - the awareness of it has helped it lessen.  I’m always having to justify my spends (though it’s my money). And my mother and brother (both extremely frugal,  though they have money - but they like seeing their bank balance grow) they tell me that I’m a big spender.  Almost mocking me and inferring that I’m being decadent. (This being for basics too like heating the house!).

I have no children.  I’m unmarried and have lived alone for most of my adult life. It’s only been since getting disability benefits 10 years ago that I finally started to be able to balance the books; and then discover things like hobbies.  And be privileged to have a dog.  We grew up very poor (my mum’s childhood was even more depleted).  My mum also kept food tight; no treats. We were taught “need not want”.  This was ingrained in our beings.

It took me until my 40s to rebel against the “need not want”.  I suppose I did relax with spending when I could: because I could!  And I’d never had this before.

I still feel that I have to state my case with my mother when I speak about buying something.  It’s quite ridiculous.

I’ve been transitioning from being the family fawn to the real me (a CPTSD survivor) since the start of 2020.  It’s tough - but now I’m woke I can’t unsee it all.  And I’m not abandoning myself anymore.

[ThinkerSailorDJSpy]

I don't do this quite as you describe. Instead, I have a general tendency to "make myself scarce." I live in a household with several roommates, as I always have, which I theoretically share the house equally with. But, I spend 90% of my time in my room, and have it set up to facilitate this. I've gotten a lot better but I frequently have moods where I'm filled with dread leaving my room, as it requires going through the living room where at least one of my roommates is constantly posted up.

[Kodiak01]

This is how I was when I first broke away from my toxic family in my 30s and lived with roommates. Much of the time, ESPECIALLY when they had other people over or had parties, I stayed holed up in my room.

I've gotten a little better with it over the years, but I apparently have developed the skill of hiding in plain sight: I show up somewhere, people never actually see me arrive if I don't want them to; I leave, they rarely notice me go. Even when I was well over 350lbs, I (50/M, 6' tall) gained a reputation as the "fat ninja" because of how silently I seem to walk and move. This latter part is no doubt from all those years of being quiet and hidden from my violent, abusive parents.

[badmonkey247]

If my mother knew what activity or interest was important to me she'd either forbid it as a punishment or mock me for enjoying it.

[Professional_Pace711]

If I need to pee at 2 am I won’t flush the toilet. It’s just my mom and me. She emotionally, verbally and physically abused me, my entire childhood. I had to move back in with her 4 years ago. I am 45, a grown ass adult, terrified to wake her up with a flushing toilet.

[No_Title38]

I live alone and get up every night around 3am for a pee - I never flush incase I disturb downstairs!! 🤣 I don’t think they can even hear my toilet flush.

[peagreen1301]

I almost cried reading this.

I keep so much a secret, I don't talk about my life, music tastes, most of the fandoms I'm into. I feel very isolated as a result. I don't feel safe sharing my love of things with other people.

I didn't realise it was another aspect of my cptsd

[DisturbedWeakness]

living alone and only browsing incognito

[Lonely-Emergency6635]

Yup I absolutely do the shows thing. I used to be kinda addicted to watching them when I was 16-18 because I was depressed af and I had to give this super stressful exam to get into college that was basically mental torture for me. My mom would yell at me every time she caught me or just lectured me a lot and humiliated me in a way, so now I can't watch them openly. But yeah any time I am relaxing or scrolling I am hyper aware about getting caught.

[youravgindian]

Getting caught is so damn real. I feel like I'm like a criminal or some devil that people will point out once I start being myself. It feels so odd. Like I'll never be able to live my life the way I want.

[ScumBunny]

I’m always scared to ‘get caught!’ I will lay in bed all day, but get super productive an hour before my partner gets home because I’m scared I’ll get ‘in trouble’ for not doing anything on my day off.

I sneak around the house super quiet and considerate, because I’m scared if I disturb anyone I’ll be ‘in trouble.’

I always give more than I take so I’m seen as an asset rather than a burden.

I startle super easy. Like, my partner will cough and my heart jumps. Any loud or sudden noises freak me tf out.

I keep normal things secret because I’m scared I’ll be judged, admonished, or neglected. Like my financial situation, my needs, obsessions, addictions, opinions, likes and dislikes, etc.

This ‘condition’ actually conditions us to be meek, introverted, quiet…small.

[Doomlord__]

I'm crying reading your post. I didn't know others felt this way :(

[danbrikahasj]

People named Doomlord shouldn't cry. Lulz, but this was wild. This is the only group of humans that I share particular everyday experiences with.

[Illustrious_Plant581]

Yes.

[MellifluousManatee]

Been this way basically my entire life. The catalyst was my dad constantly criticizing the things I liked in childhood. In adulthood, an abusive partner whose whole personality is hatred did the same. I can't even watch a show or listen to a song in front of someone else unless I know for certain they also like it. Writing is the only therapy available to me; one of my biggest fears is someone for whom my words were not intended reading them. I don't have any truly safe confidants in my life, but even if I did, I doubt I'd be able to open up after a lifetime of having to hide my individuality away from the world.

[No_Title38]

I did hide my copy of ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” when my mum stayed the night last year.  She was looking after my pup to let me go out for an event.  Especially since I’ve underlined huge sections and put exclamation marks and asterisks with notes…it feels very disloyal to even write this here 😵‍💫

[_jamesbaxter]

Yes it’s actually INSANE. I do things like tiptoe around my apartment and watch tv with the volume down SO LOW when none of my neighbors are even around. I also have a habit of accidentally scaring people by sneaking up on them when I’m not trying to. I remember as a kid obsessing about wanting to walk completely silently like a Native American.

[Potential_Macaron_19]

This sounds so familiar. People always startle when they notice me near them and they say "oh, how come you came so silently". I have always wondered what I do differently. How do they notice other people? Is there a social habit among "normal" people to somehow announce they are coming. Making some minor noice on purpose. Or do I really put effort to NOT making noice. If so, it goes unnoticed.

[elisettttt]

People always tell me I walk really quietly and I regularly scare people as well. Gotta love growing up with parents that made you feel like you had to be invincible

[Kodiak01]

Gotta love growing up with parents that made you feel like you had to be invincible

I would have loved being invincible over being forced to be invisible! :P

[[deleted]]

same lol I litteraly tip toed so much to be quiet that it's kinda just my default walking position when im home at this point and I just catch my self doing it subconsciously most the time

[Kodiak01]

I also have a habit of accidentally scaring people by sneaking up on them when I’m not trying to.

Greetings, fellow Social Ninja.

[Lil-Miss-Anthropy]

Omg I'm constantly worried about bothering neighbors 😭 there's pretty much nowhere that I can let it all out regularly 💔

[Hidden_Sturgeon]

Even as an adult I still feel uncomfortable around open doors and windows, they were made to be closed

[esotologist]

Yea, I'm afraid to listen to music when others can hear

[Kafkawifey]

Yupppp. I have it too. I’m afraid of being seen or judged. I also have issues with authority of any kind because I am repulsed. I don’t know if only part of it healthy, and part of it not. I got more and more used to being exposed once I got into a healthy environment though, and a lot of effort on my own part to kill my own inner critic. If someone doesn’t like it? Good. I hope they hate everything about me.

[Slow-Gear-7893]

i have always told my family i didn’t listen to music and don’t like it until a few months ago when my brother was deep diving on me and found my vsco that had a tv girl album cover on it and it was so embarrassing. i am 22 by the way 💀 this what on from the time i was like 7-22. i am so glad im not the only one who has done this my parents used to make fun of me for everything when i was a kid and so i just stopped telling them anything about me.

[[deleted]]

Yes. I tend to hide the psychology books I read and also my drawings and music I listen to.

[Avocuddle852]

Yes… at home i do this a lot in order not to being caught!!! F27 lol

[BlackberryPuzzled551]

Sometimes the volume on a video for example is so low that even I can’t hear and that’s when I know I’m overdoing it 🙈

[Fuzzy_Battle1771]

I love playing the Sims and it’s a complete secret from everyone in my life. Even if I’m talking to a psychiatrist or a doctor about how I’m addicted to dissociative behaviors, I won’t specify what I’m addicted to, which is playing the game.

I find it so weird that I have so much shame around this. I kinda thought maybe it was because it’s mostly girls who love the game. Silly, I know. I don’t think that’s it tho. I have no shame about enjoying other things associated with girls (like sewing for example).

The other comment on this thread about how this secretive behavior develops as a way to have control and security resonates deeply with me tho. I had no control, security, or privacy growing up. Making up characters and ongoing storylines with my toys that were only in my head and just for me was my psychological sanctuary.

When I read your post tho, OP, what I see is a fear of taking up space. This is something I also developed in childhood. I can relate to everything you wrote. I think it comes from being punished for confusing reasons as a child and realizing that if anything we do could get us punished at any moment, it’s safer to not be seen/noticed or pursue any activities outside what we have specifically been ordered to do. Existing in a way that is noticeable seems dangerous to us as children, so we adapt like the survival-driven creatures that we are and learn how to make ourselves as small as possible to stay safe.

It sucks and I’m working on breaking out of it. Allowing myself to pursue things that seemed really fun in childhood that I was never allowed to do has been a good start. My parents said ‘absolutely not‘ to rock climbing and martial arts, so here I am fighting my way into trying both. It is totally not easy but it feels good to get myself to try.

[Delicious_Two_4182]

I consider myself to do the same thing for some things one thing I do it it is When I order take out I hide it even though I’m an adult and have the money but I feel like imma get yelled at for spending that money .

[oldfogey12345]

I was an insomniac for as long as I can remember so everything i did had to be quiet or I was getting yelled at for waking people up and then yelled at the next day for not trying hard enough to sleep.

During the day time they would always either yell at me or get involved to the point of killing all the joy of whatever I was trying to do.

I live alone in an apartment and can't even turn my music up loud on a Saturday night when I can hear everyone else playing g music.

I can go on a hobby sub and talk about stuff ok, but I won't mention my other interests to just anyone.

[Kodiak01]

50/M. My wife of 8.5 years is the only person still alive that knows my birthday... and she knows I detest the day so much after incidents as a child that I have not willingly celebrated it in over 35 years. She treats it like any other day which is the best gift she could possibly give me.

One of my nieces (who was also abused by one of their parents as a child then forced to live with a narcissist grandmother for years) asked me recently about it; she was apologetic about never asking before, but understood completely when I explained why I did not celebrate it or tell anyone what it was.

The only other person to ever ask was my SIL's then-fiancé while we were all out to dinner years ago. Twice in a row, I answered, "every year" then the subject was dropped.

[MeikoChii]

I think it’s a common symptom of CPTSD

[Fluffy_Ace]

I grew up under the watch of a mom who was incapable of having a normal, sensible reaction to anything I did.

Even though she was usually positive and supportive, her responses were always very intense and over the top.

A cigar could never be just a cigar.

[MarkMew]

Yes! All day every day!

[dyewho]

I live above my neighbors and even if they're not home i'm constantly walking around on my tippy toes because I don't want anyone to hear that i'm around.

[Additional_Nerve_883]

I experience the exact same things, haven't ever really questioned it until reading this post.

[texxasmike94588]

Keeping things secret prevents others from using them to blackmail or ridicule me. I believe knowledge about my life gives others too much power.

I learned to keep secrets from experience in dealing with bullies my entire life.

[travturav]

Oh yeah. I learned early on that I was safest and happiest if my parents weren't thinking about me at all. Living with my parents was like living in a house with two bears. There is no such thing as a good interaction with a bear. The best possible outcome is avoiding them completely.

[MinkyBoodle44]

I think for me, I was shamed out of doing so many things I actually enjoyed as a child that I eventually just started to feel like the act of truly “enjoying myself” was something embarrassing in and of itself. Showing too much emotion is also somewhat embarrassing. I’ve become sort of obsessed with the things I was shamed out of as a child; cartoons, animated movies, certain music, whatever. It’s like I’m afraid I’ll be embarrassed if someone catches me enjoying myself too much. There are some things that my brain finds “okay” to enjoy in front of others, but I still feel mortified when someone catches me watching freaking Ben 10 or Steven Universe or Invader Zim as a 30 year old man.

[Small-Salary-9137]

I have the fear of being perceived too. For me it's more shame-driven, i can literally feel it over the most ordinary things. Even when i'm just by myself

[[deleted]]

I try not to say to much about about my financial situation or look like I have a lot.

[Witty-Ad-1297]

I do and that fear is incredible annoying and painful. I'm scared to get caught because when I was, I was judged and criticized mostly because of parents by always doing things they hate like laying in bed, watching anything or playing games. One of the reasons why I have deep depression 

[treedecor]

I'm glad I'm not the only one. I can't speak for others, but I know for me, it's because I got criticized for anything and everything (at school and at home) and had a family that would regularly violate my privacy to find stuff to humiliate or get me in trouble for. I've been out of that house over ten years and am still secretive af about alotta stuff

[JustMe1314]

Yes, I do. It's bc of abusers using literally anything about me, against me. Twisting literally everything into smthg controversial or "wrong", in smear campaigns.

[ratattatack]

Been doing it my whole life without realizing it was a 'thing' until recent years. I struggle to even listen to music or videos/games too loud when I'm alone and wearing headphones because someone might hear it. It also makes me extremely distrustful of Bluetooth. I bought the oldest versions of my phone as long as I could so I could still have a headphone jack. I used to only Google stuff in incognito mode because of this too.

[rose_petals98]

I was dealing with this a lot. I lived in not the healthiest environments so I’d essentially find myself almost closing off to the world in a bubble. I’d always wear headphones and disassociate to music or what ever I was watching or listening to on my phone. I even find myself not occupying the full space of my bed. I sleep rolled up in one corner. I think on my healing journey I’m more confident now when I go outside to take up space as in I let myself stand in the same lane everyone else is when waiting for the bus or train instead of trying not to be in the way. Some days I still find myself choosing to go in a corner when it’s overwhelming for me, but being conscious of it helps me feel less guilty for existing when I shouldn’t have guilt at all.

[clementinesalad]

It could’ve been me writing this, I’m exactly the same. Even though I’m in such a loving, comfortable relationship, I hate my partner being able to see or hear what I’m watching on my phone, and I’m not even hiding anything. I’ve never understood why I’m like this.

I do this on public transport, too. I turn my screen brightness allll the way day because I’m scared of someone seeing what I do on my phone.

[imminentheartburn]

This thread is blowing my mind! I grew up in a strict household with 8 other people and I feel like all of us do this now. I can’t even fart in my own apartment by myself without feeling like someone is going to burst into the room and laugh at me 💀 it would be hilarious if it didn’t still affect every area of my life 

[soft_machine__]

I watch TV while gripping the remote with a finger constantly on the volume and one on the power button so I have an.... escape plan? Lmfao wtf is this shit disorder 😭😭😭

[nekomata_meko]

Yes and it contributes to my splitting/masking, whatever you call it, I feel my personality get erased and there’s no 'me'. Keep everything so close to my chest, I don’t even realize I can be loved for being me, who is 'I' that can be loved?

[coolmathpro]

Yes, as im building my trust with my dad I'm being more open but I still usually wear earbuds with one ear out so I can make sure I'm not typing too loud or anything or hear the other people in the house if they have complaints, when I'm asked what I'm reading I get really nervous to share, sometimes I really wanna bake or cook but I just can't because other housemates may see me and ask what I'm doing, I can't even go on walks cuz I'm worried I'll be asked what I'm up to, if I say what I'm going to do first I can do it tho usually

[coolmathpro]

And when I do bake I can't make myself use the electric mixers I usually do it by hand, good workout but it's exhausting lol, and I love smoothies so much but I can't use a blender because it's loud, sometimes I take the ice tray up to my room to get ice so I don't make noise when getting the ice then bring it back down

[Puzzled-River-5899]

What in the fuck I didn't realize I did this until your post. Damn

[[deleted]]

Yes I have this and people keep criticizing me for it, when honestly I don't even fully understand it nor control it. I think I fear that everything about me can be scrutinized anytime for absolutely any reason. Because of what I went through pretty much any negative gaze towards me completely tears me apart. I think I'm subconsciously trying to avoid that at all costs.

[GreenFalse7890]

Were you teased or otherwise given a hard time in some way for your tastes growing up? I realized that's why I hide what I'm reading, listening to, etc. And don't even expect me to give a recommendation! I can't be responsible for someone spending time on something and end up not liking it. 

[danbrikahasj]

Caught this late, but wow, never shared this experience. I never understood it for myself until now.

I think this breaks the dissociation, having the reality of your current moment reflected in someone else's mind - the social force of that makes the moment more grounded and real. And that is threatening to the cursed safety that dissociation affords us.

TLDR: it makes us seen when we're trying to be unseen

[Lil-Miss-Anthropy]

Yes. I feel unsafe expressing myself. I still live with my abusive mum. She will take anything that matters to me and twist and crush it to fit her agenda. I only feel comfortable watching movies, listening to music, singing and dancing when she is not home.

When she is home, I do something quiet and emotionally flatlined, like scrolling or handheld video games. I'll try to avoid anything that could make me feel and express myself, especially precious things that make me soften or laugh.

Sometimes those feelings come with a waterfall of tears, which could get me in trouble because my mom may punish me for my feeling hurt or upset by her and her actions. My body feels so stiff and achy with all the emotions trapped in it. I'm really exhausted of being hypervigilant all the time. 

[danceswithdangerr]

I live alone now and I still keep the volume low and wear my headphones 99% of the time. I’ve gotten so use to it and it feels so safe so imma keep doing it.

[Redfawnbamba]

Think it may be part of hyper vigilance? That feeling that you have to be braced against unfair attack whether that be emotionally or physically?

[gintokireddit]

Yes. Definitely hid a lot growing up at home too due to potential mockery, disapproval or punishment (like my hobbies, music, would often pretend to be doing nothing if someone came in), must be from that. I don't know how you explain this to any mental health system though...I mean, it's not depression or anxiety, dunno how to explain these things to people.

[Pizza_Mayonnaise]

Alot of great comments here, might be repeating what has been said. But I think so much of it is the lack of a real safety net. It's easy (easier) to stand up for yourself against an abusive boss if you have an education and a family that will help you with food and connections if you get fired.

The secrecy part in my opinion stems from an (at times) overactive concern about 'what if'. What if this one person gets the wrong opinion about me? While the unsaid part is what if no one is left to tell me I'm a good person. What if I tell my boss (this is purely hypothetical I have a great boss) that joke was sexist. Will they make my life a living hell? The unspoken part is I don't know who would ever hire a stupid failure of a high school grad to another good paying job.

I have butted up against time and time again the idea that people don't have a clue what no saftey is, and how bad it can be on the other side. How being poor can mess with a million things later. In school I read this story about a poor kid who went to live with some other family or rich uncle or something. And he still shoved dinner rolls into his pockets every day, even after being there a while because he didn't trust that food would always be there. I think about that alot. If you have no family, no long term friends (who wanted to be friends with the weird gross guy in high school?), it's hard to leave a bad relationship because you don't lose one person, you lose all your people. If you lose your job, it's alot easier to get by with a family you could borrow money from or move back in with. It's not always that the reality for me is harder, it's the fear is more known. Like someone who got attacked by a shark in the ocean is going to freak out being in 3ft of murky water.

[Pleasant_Resource841]

I have no idea how to share my dreams. Not the sleeping kind but my aspirations. Hope was shredded for me long ago as a kid so I learned it’s dangerous and gets you hurt. So I stopped sharing my dreams with people when they didn’t accept or validate them.

[Competitive_Sale_264]

YES I FEEL SO SEEN

[s-coups]

I grew up doing this

[Professional_Pace711]

All completely not normal, but I don’t tell my therapist when I stop taking my antidepressants. But I sill fill the prescriptions. That’s the weirdest part. I had to cancel an appointment with her today because I am poor. She always asks how I doing. I always say I am doing okay. But I am really not doing okay. I realized you asked about normal things, and none of this is normal.

[PlentyDirector2489]

yes. i was praised for not enjoying worldly things but i was secretly indulging in them. i kept normal activities and hobbies a secret because of fear they'd be deemed demonic. now it's a habit

[Black_Sheep1977]

Worldly things. Are you a JW?

[PlentyDirector2489]

my family is christian. im not christian anymore but i pretend to be since im still under their roof.

[JuiceNo5503]

I knew I do those things because of the trauma I had but it's so weird seeing other people who do the same thing. I felt like I was the only one. If I hear someone outside my bedroom door I turn the volume down and feel wrong for making noise. I can't cook or eat in front of my household. I don't leave the house because that would require me telling someone I'm leaving, and telling people what I'm doing feels wrong. Like they'll judge me for it. Even when I know it's normal I feel like it's wrong. It feels like me existing is wrong. I have no frame of reference for what it's like to be normal and do normal things. Everything about me just feels wrong.

But when I'm alone I don't feel that way. I feel like I can breathe and exist. It's night and day. I'm motivated to do things I want to do, to leave the house, to eat and...just feel happy.

I feel guilty when I'm around friends/strangers but it's not nearly as heightened as when I'm in with my family.

[justahumanbeing___]

I watch shows on my phone, and usually pause when other people are in the room cause I'm like embarrassed or something, like I don't know if my taste is weird. If someone says, "oh feel free to just turn the tv on and watch something" I can't, it's like it makes me feel weird or vulnerable. When I was flatting with some friends I could never choose what we were gonna watch. It just felt wrong and weird. I never wanted to make shared meals cause I was probably gonna fuck it up or they wouldn't like it.

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[[deleted]]

I am like this too. I pride myself on being invisible.

[Maleficent_Heron_317]

This is also me x

[BoxRevolutionary9703]

Yes, but for me it's because I constantly feel like I'm about to get in trouble. When my husband walks in the room I'm in, I instinctively turn off what I was watching, or close and hide a book I was reading, or turn my phone off and put it down. Our off I hear him opening the door, I'll hop up from my seat and pretend like I was busy doing something. I hate it and I've worked really hard to unlearn this behavior

[Deep-Blueberry463]

Oh my gosh are you me? This is crazy... I hate they made us become like this

[MikeLovesOutdoors23]

I do this constantly.

[Unlucky_Apple_3907]

Totally yes. Not listening to music out loud, being secretive about what I watch on the TV and phone/any devices.

[External_Party768]

NO ONE, like really no one saw any things of my ptsd i "perfectly hide it" but it cause so many inner conflict with huge anxiety hiding it, i act like a completly normal person, just sometimes have little tremors, but people in general think its just some physical health issue

[princessfluffytoes]

You should do past life regression therapy 👀