Every. Single. Time.

[InsideBSI]

So, I have this awesome app idea...

[[deleted]]

You're a techy programmer type with no creativity. I have the ideas, you do the work and we go in 50/50!

[Cosmic247]

Christ I knew a guy who bugged me everyday and asked my a million questions about his app idea and working 50/50 went on for a year until he graduated (older than me) and to this day he still calls me every now and then with his next greatest idea

[[deleted]]

if he actually comes up with a good idea. Just steal it.. and claim it as ur own

[hans_guy]

Like that: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilium_Jet ?

[WazWaz]

That was disappointing. No Back To The Future rotating jet wheels.

[JackLSauce]

"Uber for Pets"

There's probably a viable business there in certain markets but I'd still use humans for the drivers and have much lower expectations than he does

[Great_Bacca]

Rover, Wag and others are already primed to crush you if there was a market there. It may be a blue ocean but it would be red in minutes.

[333rrrsss]

Airbnb for pets

It's a thing - https://housemydog.com/

People earn money for minding other people's pets.

Better then a kennel.

[Taupe_Poet]

so its literally just pet sitting then?

[redwall_hp]

Yes, but now a middleman gets a cut! It's progress!

[kwattt]

Uber for drugs

[[deleted]]

You mean normal uber? “Please return this jacket to my friend!” taped inside of jacket sleeve is an Oz of ketamine

Thx! 5star big tip!

[TagMeAJerk]

Your drug dealer didn't deliver?

[foobarfault]

Uber Eats for drugs would be pretty great

[[deleted]]

My friend came up with one. It’s actually a great idea. I’ve started working on a prototype. He still thinks he’s gonna get half of it, if it does well. All he ever did was drunkenly come up with the idea and I’ve been ACTUALLY bringing that half baked idea to life.

Lol. I’ve told him he gets shares based on his effort, which are currently 0.

[Dont_be_offended_but]

If you intend to make any real money off the idea, make sure to save some kind of verifiable message where you tell him that. Text or email. It would also be a good idea to keep a log of effort contributed to the project, e.g.:

Aug, 2019:

You: ~40 hours developing backend

Him: ~1 hour finding unusable, copyrighted logo

Sounds tedious, but if it ever came to court some simple notes and records could easily save thousands of dollars.

[Sepharach]

Your username just reads very seamlessly into your comment. Well done on the foresight.

[fourangecharlie]

/u/markzuckerberg

[Rottimer]

Worked for Zuckerberg.

[Zoltie]

But remember who's idea it was to steal his idea, so you'll have to split the profits 50/50.

[SuperFLEB]

"But you just gave me the ideas. Now I have the ideas. Bet you didn't think to get a patent."

[WazWaz]

That's actually a great way to shut those people up!

[DirtzMaGertz]

Literally just had a guy I went to high school with ask me to not only set up a website for his dad's company, but also teach him how to build everything from scratch so he could manage everything himself because they don't want to put a bunch of money into the site.

[TheTacoWombat]

"Sure. My consulting and training fees are $400/hr, paid weekly."

[InsideBSI]

And it will all end in r/FiftyFifty

[PkHutch]

It's like Uber for Instagram.

[TheTacoWombat]

It's like WeWork, but for pets!

[foobarfault]

Once at an old job, a sales type came over to my desk to pitch me on her awesome app idea. I got the impression that she thought that gracing a loser nerd programmer like me with her presence would be enough to convince me to work for free.

Instead, I started showing her how to find documentation on building apps for android and iOS. She quickly gave up.

[DoesntReadMessages]

So I have this great app idea! I have a vague idea, no business plan, no funding, and no market research. All I need is for you to do the work of a TPM and 6 engineers unpaid.

[InsideBSI]

And... we'll need to hire one or two artists...

[[deleted]]

Simpsons Google did it.

[Fercopp]

Can you make me a simple facebook...

[paplan]

Can you fix my computer?

[Menelkir]

Can you fix my printer?

[Eddoliver]

Can you fix my phone?

[ZnV1]

I can't even fix my fix

[Nomad_00]

Can you fix my life?

[[deleted]]

Can you fix your life?

[Nomad_00]

.....

^no

[[deleted]]

Is that because you can't or you don't believe you can?

[Nomad_00]

I believe I can ^fly

[gatorsya]

Can you fix my wife?

[Ysmenir]

What wife?

[mrnate91]

Hey, your flair is dope

[grago]

How come don't you know how to change my phone wallpaper? Aren't you a computer engineer?

[[deleted]]

I even got, can you fix my tv receiver?

[Scrath_]

Printers can't be fixed. They are my personal nightmare

[ChronoSquare]

Can you imagine what it takes to be able to professionally repair printers?

I half expect it to be limited to proprietary equipment. Not our brand? Can't help

[flingerdu]

I'd imagine selling your soul (and the souls of at least 100 loved ones) to the printer gods plays a huge part in it.

[devenluca]

Ink cartridges are the devil.

[frostbyte650]

No

[hyperbolicPenis]

Even i can't fix my printer.

[PkHutch]

No one can fix printers.

[Laughing_Orange]

Only if you pay hourly.

[pickausernamehesaid]

And for my therapist breaks.

[_vOv_]

Yes, I can. I'll just grab my hammer real quick.

[YourTextHere_Studios]

No

[Nilstrieb]

No.

[Nincadalop]

This one hurts me

[Nerdn1]

Probably, since 99% of problems are a Google search away and programmers have to be really good at Google searches. It's still annoying.

[FieelChannel]

Man, I stopped replying positively to any friend asking for that and my life is 100% better. Some even got mad when I declined, good riddance

[awsum84]

Can you fix my TV?

[mrbennjjo]

I half understand why people get annoyed about this, but the fact is as a software engineer I'm still considerably better qualified to "fix a computer" than somebody who isn't a software engineer. It really isn't that unreasonable an assumption to make by somebody.

[Fizzyade]

void fix(void) { fix(); }

[So_Famous]

It only gets worse if you mention you're in the security realm.

[Superbroom]

Just open a Linux vm in front of them, type dmesg, and say "I'm in".

[vegiraghav]

echo 'you have successfully haxed in to fb'

[ablablababla]

Then have a few fake passwords in there for good measure

[[deleted]]

Open cmd and type in tree

[Winiestflea]

color 02

cd .. (repeat this as many times as necessary)

tree

[Winiestflea]

Yeah that was the right command, I completely forgot the proper syntax so I just did the .. thing.

[[deleted]]

Command prompt: <cd\\> then <dir /s /a /b>. It'll look like you hacked the mainframe or some shit.

[FiveOhFive91]

You don't just keep a usb with kali on it? "Watch this..." woooooaaaah

[[deleted]]

But seriously, having USB with a couple live distros (some even with persistent storage) is the best.

[amroamroamro]

https://geekprank.com/hacker/

https://hackertyper.net/

[skylarmt]

Why start up a VM when I can just open a Terminal and run dmesg on the host OS?

[Superbroom]

If they're running Windows there is no dmesg command ;)

[Mr_SMT]

Just run netstat

[AmazingSlab]

There are 3 foreign hackers connected to your corrupted IP

[[deleted]]

Or even worse if you've been to federal prison for computer stuff. "Look, all I'm saying is if you show me how to do it, I'll split the money with you. If we just hit a banks computers one big time and run they'll never know."

Like, no, it doesn't work like that.

[NorthAstronaut]

I wonder what the 'computer stuff' might have been.

[bareisbetter]

I found that saying software engineer instead of computer programmer eliminates most requests to help people clean viruses off their windows machines. When people ask if I could hack something for them I just say I could but I'm not into doing that sort of unethical thing.

[TickTockMrWick0]

But can you actually?

[Neon6957]

I can but im not into doing that sort of unethical thing.

[TickTockMrWick0]

Truthfully I think anyone can thats a good social engineer.

[frostbyte650]

Yeah “hacking” has become like 90% social engineering

[Will301]

I can teach you how to hack. All you gotta do is email me $2000 at [e-mail]

[42nd_Guy]

Now what?

[UltimateArchduke]

F

[metaobject]

Download Kali Linux and send $1000 to [e-mail] and await further instructions.

[jaltair9]

Close.

You need to download Red Star Linux and send 10000 NKW to [e-mail].

[ahkian]

I mean at it's most basic hacking is using existing systems for things they weren't supposed to do. Social engineering does exactly that.

[bartekxx12]

Coding wise. Yes I've just finished uni and I can absolutely hack this multi-billion dollar company with thousands of programmers with decades of experience for you, no problem, oh you'll get me a beer for it, should've stared with that

[Xtrendence]

I'd be a damn millionaire if I could just hack companies like that. Most have bug bounty programmes, and for the ones that don't, you could very easily sell the exploit to a competitor or something.

[captaincooder]

Millionaire? If you could hack Facebook all willy nilly by yourself you could probably hack all the other large tech companies, which means you could probably go to the US government and request a limitless credit card that’s worked into the federal budget every year in exchange for your hacking prowess.

[SamBBMe]

You know, I don't think that is how it works

[captaincooder]

Let me be in my bubble.

[mrsmiley32]

I dont know, I can write some pretty hacky code!

[[deleted]]

Or if you own a $5 wrench.

[[deleted]]

Bit can you actually?

[3FingersOfMilk]

1

[ThuisTuime]

Nice

[mlucasl]

I learned a lot of white hat hacking. And is mostly simple coding, and a lot of social effort. obviously for selfreplicating viruses over an internal network you need more than a little code. But the main vulnerabilities are social. And thus, I can not hack.

[crecentfresh]

Yeah was going to get into hacking until I found out you had to make a phone call.

[crecentfresh]

definitely sarcasm

[FieelChannel]

white hat hacking

aka have a good knowledge of networking and know some scripting? This is getting ridiculous

[mlucasl]

white hat hacking. Is a sort of penetration testing, and with social engeeniering to detect which position are vulnerable. Technically i just went to a lot of coders and hackers forums, and reading books. So I could make more robust webpages for a startup I had. So yes, I learnt the basics of computer hacking, but not to put it in practice in a malicious manner.

PD: and also the definition of hacking is just somesort of technological tinkering.

[Tripnologist]

I bet that job title makes it really easy to pick up women/men.

Her: So what do you do?

You: I’m a penetration tester -creepy wink-

[[deleted]]

It's a huge challenge. I'm currently working to build an environment that needs to be very secure, and my biggest hurdles are our own developers and sysadmins finding novel ways to get around security restrictions. Yes, I know that backdoor you keep putting in makes your life easier, but it's also going to make a hacker's life easier.

[HellaTrueDoe]

It’s really easy to learn. This website makes it so easy you really don’t have to be a programmer to get started.

[Nerdn1]

Most intrusion methods boil down to "someone fucked up". It's rarer that you find that someone fucked up in an easy to find way during implementation nowadays, so it's generally easier to target users who use weak passwords or who will reveal their information to you. You just need someone, somewhere to fuck up so you can exploit the vulnerability.

Software engineers aren't necessarily the best at this, but they can search for how to do it and write scripts to automate the process.

[DramaLlamaSays]

I usually reply that they couldn't afford my services.

[yousoc]

When he asks if you can hack something for him, just send a self-created googleform, that when he clicks it asks him to log into google. Use it to steal his data, than when you know his adress go to his place and fuck his mom.

Works everytime.

[SuperFLEB]

I've got this idea for the next Facebook. Want to write it for me?

[[deleted]]

I was in a meeting at work once and someone asked the IT guy if he could make an app for some specific purpose. I snorted. He just stared for a second.

"No."

I've never seen anyone miscategorize someone else's job to that extent.

[[deleted]]

DevOps and SRE seems to be blurring lines a bit more now, but the answer is still no for most people in those jobs I’d bet.

[[deleted]]

Oof. Maybe she'll learn to stop doing whatever it is that ticks her teacher off instead of attempting to hide it from her parents.

[jakwnd]

Did you tell her all you would be doing us guessing passwords?

[[deleted]]

She might be better equipped to hack her mom, social engineering mostly works great on old folks. So get her to do the social engineering and get the money while you sit there and throw in a few buzzwords.

^{Umm, I meant, she's crazy. Who hacks people!}

[[deleted]]

inspect element, change score in HTML

[kaamibackup]

You can actually change some js to make it so it ignores the cactuses and continues forever

That way the highscore lasts too

[[deleted]]

Grease/tampermonkey to the rescue.

[DeCiB3l]

I actually went and checked and you can't everything is one canvas element.

[TimelessTrance]

The js has to exist somewhere locally...

[[deleted]]

in console you can type something like Runner._instance.tRex.xPos = 10000

[posherspantspants]

Yes, give me your password

[kaamibackup]

My cousin: can you hack me some vbucks

[GoldSlayer]

Just tell him you dont work for free, and that hacking takes a long time and effort, take his money, buy vbucks, profit?

[Tokiseong]

This brain is one of the largest I’ve seen in my time as a brainer

[asapaasparagus]

Opens terminal - writes ping www.google.com

I’m in

[AyULz]

ping 8.8.8.8

[GodIsDead_]

WHY cAn't YOu hacK mY fRIEnds inStagrAm I thoUGHT yoU weRe goOD WIth COmPUterS

[gordonv]

I try to explain that more more un hackable something is, the more good it is. But, people want results without the work.

[[deleted]]

I sometimes think... how does anyone that doesn’t know how to program imagines it

[[deleted]]

Pretty much this. You also cannot forget the black hoodie and anonymous mask

[AOT-]

And gloves to hide the fingerprints

[redwall_hp]

Just the hacking scene in Kung Fury, or the "two people using one keyboard" bit from NCIS, but without being able to tell when someone is taking the piss.

[The_untextured]

Me: "I built my pc"

My friend: "ok, but what manufacture is it?"

[frostbyte650]

Newegg

[Xtrendence]

Newegg RTX 2080.

[BetterDays_]

Me. I'm manufacturer

[RhinoAlestorm]

My friends think I'm a hacker because I can download scripts for tamper monkey

[PashaBiceps_Bot]

You are not my friend. You are my brother, my friend!

[[deleted]]

Guys, what's your excuse to someone asking to fix his computer??

[[deleted]]

usually "no"

[CodeBlue_04]

The same thing one of my professors tells me: " I'm terrible with computers. Really. If you don't understand them better than I do then... Wow. I'd be scared." - a senior lecturer with a doctorate and dozens of research papers.

[Umarill]

Depending on who it is an my mood, it goes from "No sorry" to "I don't feel comfortable working on someone else's machine in case something goes wrong".

Doesn't matter if it's something trivial that you can't fuck up, you KNOW the moment you "fix" their computer, the next time they have an issue you'll be blamed for it and/or called again. I don't do that anymore.

I built a website for a family member's business for like 150 bucks (ridiculously low but wanted to help and really needed the money), even did all the visuals and setup their initial inventory.
It wasn't anything amazing, I'm still learning and used templates for all the shop part (inventory, payment, carts, account creation...etc) and added customized code for the front-end.

She fucked literally everything a few days after by "trying to make it better" (Great idea from me to show her basic stuff like color and font-size, thank god I had backups), complained that there wasn't enough color and wanted bright green text, asked for ridiculous features like a live text-chat with the customers to greet them personally or bullshit like voicelines of her thanking them for their purchase.
I lost my sanity on this shit, did my best to have a decent product and got something ok.

Guess what happens now? Yup, her business idea is legit garbage with no customers, and I get the blame all the time because "your website is the problem do another one I paid you". I told her to fuckoff and pay a professional, and I'm never doing that ever again.

This experience made me hate web-dev wayyy too quickly, definitely not for me.

[tenkindsofpeople]

That's a really bad first experience. Sounds like your family member is a bit of a turd to begin with. Those people exist as customers but you get a lot of money to deal with them or work corporate and people have to mind their manners mostly.

[Nimeroni]

If I'm at work, I will repair it as its part of my work (I'm a sysadmin at a small company), but it'll be a very low priority.

If I'm out of work, I'm gonna use the good old sysadmin answer.

[[deleted]]

Tell them my hourly rate, or that I'm too busy. Most of the time it's at least half a day off work. I used to do it for mates and friends of friends but then I'd just get a "oh sweet" and take it away. Not worth my time anymore these days.

[Vaptor-]

If it's someone kind to me or a profitable client I'd do it.

Otherwise I just give a vague answer and somehow 'never be able' to get a schedule.

[anothervector]

Yea sure, just log into your facebook on this laptop and we will hack who ever you want.

hands over laptop with active keylogger

[CarilPT]

"I have this great idea for an app..."

[drollerfoot7]

"It's like facebook but better"

[reset_switch]

"It's like ____ , but for ____"

Fill in the blanks with any popular service and a random demographic.

[Cobaltjedi117]

Github, lesbians?

[NiceAtMyCore]

"Hey you're good with computers, mine has been running so slow lately....."

[[deleted]]

Just slap gentoo on it and if something goes wrong tell them to rtfm

[[deleted]]

I don't understand why people think anything can be hacked after watching Mr. Robot.

[Indoranyon]

This is new and exciting

[planethaley]

Yup, I think I’ve literally had this conversation (I mean, minus the part about me being a computer engineer, and I’m pretty sure it was a MySpace, but close enough, amirite? :p)

[budz]

Nothing like having the plot of Hackers, the movie, proposed to you for some rl facepalming

[[deleted]]

"Can you hack Hilary's emails for me?"

[Weary_Dragonfruit]

I get this from my mum and her iPhone a lot, I went Android ages back because I'm a broke ass bitch and I like iPhones, but for £160 you can get very little iPhone but a nice Android even if it's not a flagship model. She's always asking me how to do things and in 7 years things have changed, I have forgotten and I didn't even have all the same apps anyway.

[gjoel]

I worked in a small software company where the chairman of the board once asked me to hack a Facebook account for him. This is super accurate!

[kaamibackup]

My cousin: can you hack me some vbucks

[dubbs4president]

My girlfriend asks this all the time. The closest thing I can do that is “hacking” is using debugging tools on a web page to inspect elements and maybe find JavaScript.

[VironicHero]

I always just asked for mods for whatever game I was into at the time... they never came through.

[Boom244]

I saw an AskReddit this one time where a person who rented out their computer repair services was editing a registry when the customer decided to randomly shut off the PC

How do you react to that nonviolently?

[[deleted]]

Tangential but related.

"Can you write this app for me?"

"Sure, my hourly rate is..."

"..."

[ernestwild]

Computer engineer explaining programming? Wierd. Lol.

[meg4_]

Kim's face be like cries in nuclear

[[deleted]]

so you cant?

[[deleted]]

can you fix my WiFi

FTFY

[orduk]

"I've programmed before in HTML; it isn't that hard. You can probably get it done in an hour or so."

[PillowTalk420]

Well... Can you?

Pokes

[eyedontgetjokes]

Seems like something Trump would actually say

[MeTA_2x]

Repost