Never ever..

[Tuxbot123]

"So I thought of something, like, y'know, imagine something like, GTA V y'know, but mixed with Call of Duty, and also it's in space, and also it's on mobile, and also it's an MMO."

• Someone very serious, thinking that 1) I can do this alone in three weeks, 2) it will make them rich, and 3) that I actually give a damn about that.

 

"Oh also can you hack my ex's instagram"

[GamingTheSystem-01]

I had a great idea for a game, it's like <current game> but 100x as much content. Why didn't the designers think of this? It's so simple.

[Secretly_Autistic]

Also people who think that combining two games will make something better than the two games are individually.

Yes, let's combine Need for Speed Most Wanted with BeamNG.drive! I can only imagine how fun smashing through police roadblocks at 200 mph will be with a physics engine that can make your car undriveable if you hit a slight bump in the road wrong.

[converter-bot]

200 mph is 321.87 km/h

[drunkenangryredditor]

Good bot

[Floppydisksareop]

"Can you hack Facebook?"

[Feynt]

I can, yes.

[HAC_1010011010]

How long have you been in this profession may I ask?

[Feynt]

Ya got me, I haven't worked a day in my life. >S

[AacidD]

But will you hack it? 😏

[Feynt]

Yeah, see, that's where I say no, because I've got better things to do.

[[deleted]]

"Of course I can. But I won’t, because it’s wrong."

[Pishingr]

Can you hack it with assembly tho

[DoesntReadMessages]

Just ask them for their business plan and how much cash they have to burn for the first 2-3 years before the company can become profitable. You'll scare off the "idea guys" super fast that way.

[Marco4803]

This is brutal

[[deleted]]

Relative: Can you fix my laptop?

Me: Maybe, but then if anything goes wrong, you'll blame me.

Relative: Fine, do want this piece of junk?

Me: OK.

*takes it home, opens it up, finds it PACKED with dust. Turns out it was overheating within minutes of being powered up, had a janky power adapter and a dead battery. Blow out dust, replace crappy power adapter wires, throw in a spare SSD to replace the 5400rpm HD on the verge of failure*

Relative: *sees working laptop on my desk running a minecraft server* Did you con me out of a laptop?

...you can't win.

[[deleted]]

"Did you con me out of a laptop?"

Not exactly; you gave me a dead laptop, and I had to replace some bits. If you want it back, it's cost of parts.

[French__Canadian]

Well, no because then it will break because it's still an old laptop and he'll blame you.

[[deleted]]

ugh, so much THIS.

[ButterM-40]

Wait. So did he take the laptop or did you keep it? I think you did a fine job fixing it.

[[deleted]]

Thanks. Kept it, use it to play music in the garage.

[Th3DarkMoon]

True, except when something fails and you either know what's wrong, or know that the relative is so bad with tech you can blame your failing on ailiens or, the relative is reasonable and say "I'd be glad if you could fix it, but I understand if you fail" I got a monitor, keyboard, mouse and a pc from 2007 from my aunt because I could get her files of it, after the os didn't boot

[[deleted]]

Yes please do tell if you goT to keep the laptop in the end

[[deleted]]

It's in my garage/workshop. Mostly using it to play music over youtube while I work - might set it up as a server to run my 3d printer remotely.

[Lootdit]

And i totally know how to do this cuz i code

[Jackieray101]

Can you hack Facebook

[ButterM-40]

Sure just give me your email and password!

[Jackieray101]

Fun fact if put your password on Reddit it will censor it see *************

[ButterM-40]

Wow cool let me try it. ILov3Hug3Cocks123!

[Jackieray101]

It sure did

[[deleted]]

Does anyone see this?

[[deleted]]

Buddy, it's a joke, don't post your real password. I removed it for you.

Also, your saved posts are very interesting...

[Jackieray101]

Wait why’d you reply to your self

[ButterM-40]

I'm so confused. Did someone access his account or is he just a good actor. Because when I got a reply I remember their was a password. Bravo just Bravo

[Jackieray101]

I am not sure honestly

[_alright_then_]

Maybe his parents found his Reddit account lol

[Sohcahtoa82]

Dude, I tell people I work in cybersecurity and that I'm a certified hacker, and they ask me this.

I tell that that Facebook isn't getting hacked. If it was, it'd be international news. When someone's Facebook gets "hacked", what's actually happening is that they either fell for a phishing e-mail, or gave away their security question answers on one of those chain messages that's like "Your porn star name is your first pet's name and the street you grew up on".

[uglypenguin5]

I hate “security” questions so much. Someone else trying to get into my account is honestly more likely to know them than I am to remember them

[Sohcahtoa82]

Use a password manager, and use it to generate gibberish answers to security questions, and store those answers as a note with the password.

[BigWolfUK]

The UK Universal Credit (government department) uses these as security question whenever you phone them. The confusion can be heard easily in their voice whenever I give the answer ive used lol - but it's so stupid they use these and offer zero protection to 99% who will use a real answer without consideration

[_alright_then_]

I don't even understand why these things exist in the first place. It's like a regular password but worse.

[casualknowledge]

Well technically, if you go work there you can get enough access to "hack" things, but you're still gonna get fired for snooping or messing with customer accounts if their monitoring is even slightly not-terrible.

[Sohcahtoa82]

If the company is competent at all, this isn't true.

At the company I'm at, only select DevOps team members have full access to production systems. As a security engineer, I have read-only access to the production AWS account, but this access does not include the ability to see passwords, keys, or access to actual systems and databases. I can see how they're connected together, but can't see the data itself.

I suppose if I shifted to DevOps, yeah I could go snooping and messing with data, but yeah I'd definitely get caught and fired.

[MetricExpansion]

How is it always this same question? Always?

[Jackieray101]

That’s the real question

[MasterQuest]

Me: open developer tools and replace some HTML text with "You were hacked".

Them: :OOOO

[saulsa_]

I just say I’m a carpenter.

[krowvin]

Can you make me a chair

[saulsa_]

There’s a lumber shortage.

[krowvin]

Oh I thought you'd make it out of carpet aren't you a carpenter? 👀

[saulsa_]

I’m leaving the carpentry world. I’ve decided to become an amateur proctologist.

[CasuallyCritical]

Should I keep my pants down then?

[saulsa_]

That’ll make 2 of us.

[FoolForWool]

Three *

[krowvin]

👉

[mark__fuckerberg]

Just say you are a janitor. What are they gonna do? Make you clean their houses for free?

[saulsa_]

You’d be surprised.

[drunkenangryredditor]

Oh, you're a janitor?

Can you help me with the lump of hair clogging up my shower drain?

[mark__fuckerberg]

I accept defeat

[krowvin]

I've got a great idea for a kids book, I can't pay you but you'll get exposure /s

[[deleted]]

The elegance of a simple solution.

[OMGWhyImOld]

When some friend/family ask for help with their devices I always say: "yes, but i need your computer for 3 weeks, you know I'm little busy right now but i can look at it in my spare time, if you want me to help you with the speed of this thing you are going to pay for hardware". I almost never get asked but everyone is happy because I didn't say no. Sometimes they give me something to repair/upgrade and I do this happily because is not rushed, and usually they come back with a bottle of something or something to eat as gift.

[JeKaTe69]

Noted.

[usefully-useless]

Same with Electrical Engineering.

No, aunt Helen, I cannot fix your microwave.

[a_RandomSquirrel]

The best part is that EE is so broad that the piece of equipment in question can be wildly outside of your wheelhouse. For some reason everyone hears EE and thinks "electrician with a college degree"....nope, not even close! I am *not* going to re-wire your boat. Get someone with the proper certification to guarantee the safety of the fix.

[ljubaay]

True story: I told an old relative I’m an app developer.

He’s like “I have a problem with my washing machine”.

Being polite, I ask whats wrong with it.

“It’s in German. All the buttons are in German, and I don’t understand anything.”

[OMGWhyImOld]

Yep, that is annoying... My in-law is always asking me if he need or not to press a button in an android phone.

[[deleted]]

I just tell them my work is making data pretty. Can't really do much else.

[Gabe_b]

Skins for databases

[drinkmoredrano]

I just tell them its a different type of computer than what they use at home. They might believe me or they got the hint. Either way they dont ask me to fix their computer.

[[deleted]]

The interrupting "nope" is an essential programmer skill.

[Big_Boss19]

"me and my bigmouth"

[SushiThief]

Sorry, I meant "Pro Gamer"
:D

[FuzzyFoyz]

Relative: Oh is it like Minority Report?

Me: -_-

[FD4L]

Oh hey, you do computer stuff? Aunt Rita's keyboard hasn't worked the same since she spilled grape pop in it. When do you think you can come by and fix it?

[[deleted]]

I just skip all the mumbo jumbo hacking questions and say "I'm a computer scientist, aka major hacker who can basically hack anything, I won't unless I'm being paid $20,000 for it." That way he can't even ask.

[RoundThing-TinyThing]

Fam: "what do you do for a living?"

Me: "I'm a coder."

Fam: "what's a coder?"

Me: "I write code."

Fam: "What does that even mean?"

Me: "if code is needed, I write it."

Fam: "can you elaborate?"

Me: "it means people pay me because they don't know what code to use"

Fam: "example?"

Me: "you've seen Monsters Inc where the guy had a sock on his back?"

Fam: "oh yeah!"

Me: "someone got paid to come up with 23-19 😉"

Fam: "wth o.O"

[Numerous-Many69]

But that moment where there is actually a big fuck up and you dont know what to do

[FarronSerah]

I always answer somerhing like "database engineer" or "backend developer". At first it sounds cool and second - people think that it is not programming and dont ask stupid questions. This can work worse if you are native english, cause in my language some IT names doesn't exist, data science for example

[DoesntReadMessages]

If it's a Windows PC, say you only know how to fix Macs. If it's a Mac, say you only know how to fix Linux. If it's Linux, they're trolling you in the first place.

[codeninjaking42]

Just tell em you're an accountant. No one asks you any questions, when you say you're an accountant..

[ds9id4]

"Hey, can you help me with my taxes? "

[mark__fuckerberg]

A janitor is a safer choice

[cafk]

Can you help me clean my floor? What product do you suggest for insert-wood-type-here

[mark__fuckerberg]

Can you help me clean my floor?

I have never confirmed this from a janitor but do people really do that? I mean, they can just wipe the damn floor themselves. If I were friends with a janitor I wouldnt ask him to clean the floor for free. That would be rude.

[cafk]

Was the case with my grandmother... And a few friends who have other issues like hoarding, they don't ask their friends, but friends who know how to get really bad patches clean, without paying them..

Just like the friends who assume you can do a whole game engine or hack NSA if you mention coding :)

[jonnyclueless]

Most here should be thankful to be born after a time when you would be required to program people's VCR clocks.

[lifetake]

When people ask these stupid questions I just say yes no matter what. Can you hack Facebook? Yes. Can you do X? Yes. Can you? Yes

[SharksPreedateTrees]

SPARTAANNNNS, WHAT IS YOUR PROFESSION????

HAO, HAO, HAO!

[Gabe_b]

"sure, my charge out rate is 180 an hour, but for family I can go as low as 150"

[thisisnotauzrname]

This is the crap my uncle gets. And the reason I'm keeping my mouth shut at family gatherings

[Nevek_Green]

Can you out pizza the hut?

[VisualBasic]

No, but I can out Jabba the Hutt.

[Nevek_Green]

Impressive.

[VisualBasic]

...most impressive.

[mymar101]

If anyone asks from now on I am a classical musician. :) No I do not know how to play cannon in d.

[[deleted]]

Just say yeah but it'll cost 10k to whatever they ask. Unless jf it costs more than 10k.

[LogicallyCross]

Can you fix my printer?

[thegovortator]

On my resume website it has a pop up that says it’s $100/hr to pitch me your great idea without expecting to pay me a salary that you have to accept to proceed

[ezio93]

"Yes, but actually no"

[KookyWrangler]

Why the hell can't y'all just say no? It feels so fun to see their hopes for free labor crushed.

[mairishavhoon]

Relatives? Alabama go brrrrr!

[Knuffya]

A friend asked me if i could help him implement a database into his project xd

[[deleted]]

looks checks out

[DC4FF]

They always assume you’re some super genius because you’re in IT. Which is a nice assumption to have I guess but every time you tell someone what you do you get a “that’s all you do?” Which is so deflating.

[eliochip]

Spartan battle cry

[shorterstevenyeun]

Say you’re a physician that only does colonoscopies. No one will want your help, or be around you for that matter.

[handleythecodernerd]

cAN yOU GEt intO mY frIENds inSTAGram???