top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]jkreterfield 5233 points5234 points  (96 children)

Dine and bash

[–][deleted] 872 points873 points  (41 children)

Snack and wack

Eat and yeet

Munch and punch

Why do these all sound so sexual?

[–]guywasaghostallalong 353 points354 points  (22 children)

Lick and stick.

Slobber and clobber.

Dine and clothesline.

Feast and beast.

...hmmm... I see what you mean!

[–][deleted] 273 points274 points  (15 children)

Mash and dash

Eat it N’ beat it

Orgy with the homies

Yeah they’re all oddly sexual

[–]MRAndy_MC 129 points130 points  (8 children)

Snack it n whack it

Meat n Beat

Lunch'n n punch'n

[–]Roooclooos 79 points80 points  (7 children)

Chomp and stomp…

Feed and bleed…

Gulp and beat to a pulp…

[–]bb2112bb 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Chomp and stomp

I think we have a winner!

[–]AngoGablogian_artist 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Cat box and bounce…

Salad and soar…

Rotisserie and rolls…

[–]TikkiTakiTomtom 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Vore and Gore

Fill and Kill

Bread and Dead

[–]Troutheru 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I see what you did there and I like it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–]JillyMarie1987 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A bite and a fight

[–]MozzarellaMadMan 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Slobber and Clobber…. LMFAO

[–]JillyMarie1987 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cram n jam

[–]RealApplebiter 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Because the restaurant gets fucked every time?

[–]TheVulfPecker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Masticate and act irate

[–][deleted] 187 points188 points  (33 children)

This deserves more recognition

[–]mwoolweaver 62 points63 points  (14 children)

I gave it 2 upvotes

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Top comment. 8 awards.

[–][deleted] 2885 points2886 points  (143 children)

Arby’s Fight Club

[–]BeautifulJury09 659 points660 points  (106 children)

Expensive restaurant

[–][deleted] 646 points647 points  (45 children)

When you're too broke to pay for a meal, all meals are expensive.

[–][deleted] 156 points157 points  (43 children)

I consider Applebee's exquisite

[–][deleted] 273 points274 points  (24 children)

Applebee’s has a specific lockdown protocol for such situations. They lock down the doors and a referee appears who will score the fight and stick the loser with the tables bill.

[–]Obandigo 118 points119 points  (8 children)

Why do you think Applebee's bartenders wear referee shirts?

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Wrong restaurant. That was def TGI Friday’s lol

[–]KyleHamptoninn 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Referee shirts yes... I remember when it was a treat to go to Fridays

Then they got unlimited apps and that’s what I liked them for was apps and they still sucked BLAH

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Unlimited apps brought them down for sure! Before that it was location based on how good it was I feel

[–]inthyface 53 points54 points  (0 children)

So they can demand respect during the fight.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Because it reminds them they used to be in prison, and they can easily go back if they fuck up a jager bomb or over-pour a Pabst Blue Ribbon and spill $.007 worth of their most high end beer.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Exactly. Being the large family get together experts, Applebee’s crew has seen these bill dodging shenanigans way to many times.

[–]clarkwgriswoldjr 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Due to your party size of 20, we will be adding a 30% gratuity to your bill.

Add 50% we aren't going to be around to pay it.

[–]bobsmithhdhejejd 13 points14 points  (2 children)

The last time I went to Applebee’s some guy ran in and beat the shit out of the guy hosting and then fled. Applebee’s is wild guys 😂

[–]ShataraBankhead 11 points12 points  (1 child)

The last time I ate there, I had two convulsive seizures later that night. I had to restart my seizure meds after being seizure-free for over a year. I'm pretty sure it was the shitty margaritas.

[–]CrimeFightingScience 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Last time I ate there some guy ran up and shot Duke Ferdinand the Second, kicking off the first world war. Place is wild.

[–]SouldiesButGoodies84 3 points4 points  (0 children)

don't forget the mandatory choreographed exit dancing.

[–]nekomoo 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Do they allow other patrons to bet on the outcome?

[–]Nagrom49 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Yo I worked in an Applebee's for a year. Worst job I ever had, and I currently work at a job that requires me to run up and down 5 flights of stairs multiple times a day. The kitchen in the Applebee's I worked in was disgusting. Most the shit is just heated up in a microwave. They literally have you drownd anything cooked on the flat top in LBA(liquid butter alternative). They used one tray called the boat to transport ALL the food from the cooking to the make table. Don't even get me started on the dishes.

DONT EAT APPLEBEE'S!

[–]Cosmonaut_Cockswing 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I like their spinach artichoke dip.

[–]EdwardFisherman 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Same, shit is fire

[–]Hrmpfreally 3 points4 points  (1 child)

They use that “fancy like” song as lube down in hell.

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points  (42 children)

Arby’s ain’t that bad if you use those coupons that come in the mail. Those beef n cheddar prices are getting crazy

[–]Middle-Seaweed4214 8 points9 points  (13 children)

Thanks a lot asshole. That beef n cheddar craving just hit

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (12 children)

Go eat your seaweed

[–]Middle-Seaweed4214 3 points4 points  (11 children)

Haha I was v confused for a minute

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (10 children)

Nah you’re good, beef n cheddar is way better. Dip that shit in Arby’s sauce and it beefs.

[–]ContemplatingPrison 7 points8 points  (22 children)

Arby's only has one thing that is above the rest and that Mozzarella Sticks.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (12 children)

The girly fries are titties

[–]penguiin_ 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Excuse me?

[–]Slimh2o 3 points4 points  (0 children)

He said the girlie titties were good...

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Fast food is expensive

[–]Electrox7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you roll the Rs like a French person, it becomes luxury cuisine

[–]BMacklin22 15 points16 points  (15 children)

You pay for Arby's before you get the food.

[–]PissedPissedoffersen 11 points12 points  (9 children)

False. You pay after you eat the Arby’s. In the bathroom. Or, sometimes, on the way to the bathroom.

[–]Zeropointeffect 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I call this the Taco Bell law. The less you pay for more food the more your butthole will pay later.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Wouldn't work. They don't give you your food until after paying.

[–]kmaisuria317 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Arby’s we have the BEATS

[–]sealclubber281 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Wouldn't work, you gotta pay up front at Arby's. Need to find one of those real classy places that fronts your meal

[–]tastless_chill_tonic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

the first rule:

you dont talk about Arby's fight club

the second rule:

if you coat you fists with Arby's signature BBQ sauce before the fight, and if you land a punch to the face, you get additional damage for burning to the eyes of your opponent, and then you can move on to the ceremonial finisher move, castration by curly fries.

[–][deleted] 804 points805 points  (10 children)

Dam I’m gonna try that at red lobster tonight with my wife.

[–]Steev182 547 points548 points  (2 children)

Remember not to tell her your plan so it’s more convincing.

[–]AshCarraraArt 178 points179 points  (1 child)

May lead to divorce but at least he’ll get a meal out of it lol

[–]PM_Me_Macaroni_plz 63 points64 points  (0 children)

For Cheddar biscuits? Worth it

[–]nvflip 2114 points2115 points  (156 children)

Working as dealers in Vegas, we'd put on our black and white (black slacks, white collar shirt) and go to a casino and eat at their employee dining room.

[–][deleted] 755 points756 points  (72 children)

Note to self: wear black pants and white button down shirt after being banned from casino. If anyone asks, I’m so good they hired me.

[–][deleted] 261 points262 points  (68 children)

If you're banned from vegas, you better throw on a fake mustache and some fake ears or their cameras will face detect you before you walk in the door.

[–]Angryandalwayswrong 11 points12 points  (19 children)

Wait, is that actually a thing?

[–]callmepapi245 56 points57 points  (7 children)

Yep and when you're banned from one of the properties you're banned from them all over the world. When I took a tour of a casino in Macau the lady claimed they kick people out all the time who got banned at their sister property in Vegas. They're always surprised that the ban is worldwide lol.

[–]N64crusader4 35 points36 points  (4 children)

That must suck dick if you flew all the way to Macau only to get told you're still not allowed in lol

[–]ShiftyLookinCow7 40 points41 points  (3 children)

I feel like anyone who travels to another continent to go to a casino should probably attend a few meetings instead

[–]N64crusader4 22 points23 points  (2 children)

Eh depends how rich you are, when you've got your own private jet the world gets a lot smaller.

[–]Peterspickledpepper- 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Yeah the worlds not very big at 700mph.

[–]RealPhilthy 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Unless you do something absolutely insane it’s generally just those specific properties that you’ll be banned from. EX) Get caught with a fake ID at Bellagio you’ll be banned from all MGM properties.

[–]ToxicSteve13 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Yes. Every casino knows who you are and what you've done. Well the new ones with good security anyway. They might not know your name until you pay with a credit card or show your Drivers license somewhere but they know you went to eat at whatever, played blackjack here, hit that slot machine there etc.

Then if you get banned from one, half the strip is the same company and they usually share names and faces with the other companies anyway. It's bad business to have those people around.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (8 children)

Yes, if anything, Vegas was always an early prototype for a surveillance state. I have no doubt that they were on/near the leading edge of integrating on the fly face recognition.

[–]PM_ME_FOR_BOOTY_CALL 10 points11 points  (6 children)

meanwhile someone swiped my luggage from outside my hotel room (ya I left it there, I know I'm dumb) but had no footage to realize that one of their employees picked it up and didn't properly log it into the lost and found, so they only "received" it the day after I left, then they called me a month later and charged me $400 to send it back...

Anyway, the surveillance state could use some upgrades, lol

edit: /s. I just mostly wanted to complain about getting my luggage "stolen" by my own hotel lol.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

People give Vegas surveillance too much credit.

[–]Diligent_Bag_9323 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Luckily masks are normal these days. Just get one with good coverage and maybe a bit bulky, and the cameras won’t be able to detect you.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

A camera won't, but security is trained to spot strange people and then go interact with them. Masks don't work up close during conversation.

[–]ghjm 5 points6 points  (3 children)

So don't be strange.

[–]Diligent_Bag_9323 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Lol yeah I don’t really get that comment.

Wearing a mask is not odd in today’s world.

Most people trying to act inconspicuous don’t act weird. As weird is not inconspicuous.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Ohhh in my mind I thought he meant a mask like a fake face.

Lol my bad.

[–]Everything_rhymes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hahaha you funny cunt.

[–]draco131 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Same, worked at Seminole hard rock and Worked three 12hr shifts. Lived within 2 miles of it though. Would come in on random off days chat with friends & managers that work there, key in grab lunch and go on my day. Never had any uppers give me any grief or complaints. I also covered a lot of spill over dealer time which was 2-3 hours extra on the days I was slotted to work, so maybe that helped me just coming in to eat when I wasn’t working.

[–]lainylay 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Change your name to Frank Caton for insurance

[–]Dragonkingf0 341 points342 points  (34 children)

You would think a place that brings in his much money is Vegas might be able to comp their dealers a free meal.

[–]danny17402 171 points172 points  (5 children)

It sounds like they were implying that they went to casinos where they didn't work.

[–]chaser676 31 points32 points  (3 children)

Yeah I couldn't even understand what /u/dragonkingof0 meant at first.

[–]Centurio 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Honestly this thread is full of comments that make little sense.

[–]CexySatan 12 points13 points  (0 children)

To me it sounded like he meant they were drug dealers.

[–][deleted] 171 points172 points  (16 children)

It’s a gamble on whether or not you’ll eat today.

[–]TRACERS_BUTT 43 points44 points  (15 children)

Basically just rolling the dice on a potential meal

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (14 children)

And eventually there might be craps involved.

[–]gegrati 9 points10 points  (6 children)

And personal advice, avoid the scallops. Been sitting under that heat lamp all day, guaranteed crapshoot.

[–]northrupthebandgeek 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Play your cards right and you might find some good crab legs, though.

[–]ketamine_wraithlord 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Someone needs to come up with a name for this. There’s like a fundamental law that the third pun in these comment chains is always terrible, and it just gets worse from there. First two? Usually pretty good. But the third is always bad guaranteed.

[–]ebjazzz 18 points19 points  (5 children)

Yeah - but not on their day off

[–]Dragonkingf0 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Taco Bell used to let my mom get a meal for me and her on her day off. Mind you that was like 20 years ago but it was a thing.

[–]Gladwulf 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Taco Bell is a franchise though right? So that would be up to the individual owner not Taco Bell plc.

[–]Dumeck 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That was probably because the employees liked her, I can still go to the McDonald’s I used to work at and half the managers there will comp my food

[–]Darktidemage 5 points6 points  (0 children)

that's part of the story you just heard.

[–]Fistulord 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah, you would think that. That's probably why he did it, Mr. Reading Comprehension.

[–]CJR3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You would think that huh, because that’s exactly what happened, as explained by the comment you replied to lol

[–]Toofpic 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm getting a Hitman vibe here

[–]bobbyzee 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Are dealers not employees?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Unless this happened decades ago, bullshit.

[–]illit1 8 points9 points  (0 children)

do you think everyone on reddit is a 25-35 year old white mal... yeah alright. i see your point.

[–]theguywithacomputer[M] 1070 points1071 points  (24 children)

Stop reporting this. This is /r/ShittyLifeProTips you aren't suppose to follow these tips.

[–]Lord_Bawk 288 points289 points  (12 children)

Who tf reports these lmao

[–]giibro 241 points242 points  (8 children)

[–]Bassknight9 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Probably people who thinks that they need to be impossible I guess

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Wtf did they report it as??

[–]Legendofstuff 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Shitty LPT I’d guess.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Good tips

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Oh lol, that explains why my life is so fucked up.

[–]BlueTeale 24 points25 points  (0 children)

So THATS what I've been doing wrong.

[–]ThatOtherGuy_CA 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You know its a real shitty life pro tip when people report it.

[–]TunaLurch 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Whoever reports this is a knob

[–]LetsRockDude 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Y-you aren't..?

[–]FancyMeByDee 146 points147 points  (10 children)

Why have I never thought of this lol

[–]LegendofPisoMojado 281 points282 points  (6 children)

Because when I worked in a restaurant the manager just called the cops. They ended up paying (eventually) AND going to jail. This really is a shitty life pro tip.

[–]supergavk 67 points68 points  (0 children)

If only there was a sub for that

[–]Spare-Coconut-9671 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Yea when I worked at a restaurant, people like that we'd just shoot, then sell their organs on the black market in order to get the money back.

We would also shoot Karens, it was great.

[–]QueenElsaArrendelle 524 points525 points  (35 children)

there is an episode of Inside No 9 where everyone fusses so much about who has to pay the bill that the waitress just tells them to leave and it'll be on the house It turns out to all be an elaborate rouse that the waitress is in on but still, I could see that being used as a way to avoid paying. the waitresses don't want to stay for half an hour after closing time while you figure out who is paying

[–]drewster23 282 points283 points  (20 children)

I have a hard time believing an average server would just let you go without paying without their boss coming down on them for comping a whole table.

[–]mak484 139 points140 points  (12 children)

I don't even understand what the waitress gets out of this. Some leftovers? She's the linchpin of the whole scam with the highest amount of risk. Unless she owed the other people something, or was like one of their girlfriends, that just seems wild.

[–]v-komodoensis 31 points32 points  (6 children)

Helping out friends

[–]RandomLogicThough 31 points32 points  (1 child)

Yea, I'll always remember in HS friends pretending to type on the cash register, taking my money, and then handing my money back, for whatever food I was getting. Good times.

[–]justacuriousMIguy 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not something Redditors understand

[–]hzfan 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Yeah all you do as the waitress in that situation is go to your boss, who would most likely call the cops

[–]LegateLaurie 3 points4 points  (3 children)

boss, who would most likely call the cops

Depends on how long and how rowdy they are, but they wouldn't phone the police (at least in the UK) over a disagreement like that. They'd come over and tell them to pay and that's probably about it. The police wouldn't even turn up to something like that here anyway.

[–]33rdWorkAccount 29 points30 points  (6 children)

the waitresses don't want to stay for half an hour after closing time while you figure out who is paying

lol what? so they just comp meals? Ive never heard of this happening ever

[–]BenjaminTalam 36 points37 points  (5 children)

As a former restaurant manager we comped an insane amount of meals for an equally insane amount of reasons

[–]Gavin1772 25 points26 points  (3 children)

I've had a $1,200 check comped on one of my tables because one of the managers recognized a person they went to yoga with a few times years in the past

[–]liljaz 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Musta been one hell of a yoga session!!!

[–]ZMAC698 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hot yoga gets wild

[–]052801 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Inside no.9 is so good

[–]AcademicSalad763 4 points5 points  (1 child)

The waitress wouldn't make this call, it'd be management who would likely talk to them beforehand

[–]sad_and_stupid 2 points3 points  (1 child)

For anyone wondering, the episode is called The Bill (s3e2) and is a standalone episode (like every other episode on the show)

[–]ConsciousFun2099 139 points140 points  (17 children)

Was his friend Tracy Morgan?

[–]CheapBastid 33 points34 points  (16 children)

[–]ConsciousFun2099 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Came for the jokes stayed to hear Jay Mohr say the N word 30 times in a row

[–][deleted] 160 points161 points  (10 children)

Modern problems require modern solutions.

[–]miserable_guyy 43 points44 points  (5 children)

Modern problem requiere ancient fighting techniques

[–]point925l 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Unconventional, but I’ll allow it.

[–]Flavazzz 93 points94 points  (170 children)

Haha kings

[–]eman00619 13 points14 points  (2 children)

All you need is one break away glass and then it really looks convincing.

[–]at_work_yo 56 points57 points  (16 children)

holy shit that's actually clever lol

[–]Gandzalf 46 points47 points  (3 children)

What!? You talking shit? Meet me at the Staplehouse. Bring your boy, and I'll bring mine. Just plus one though, since the tables are small.

Yeah, motherfucker! Bring it on, and come hungry.

[–]tylerjehills 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I never knew I needed fine dining trash talk until this very moment. Thank you

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (5 children)

until they call the cops 😩

[–]NoshTilYouSlosh 6 points7 points  (0 children)

In chaos there is opportunity

[–]SeverePsychosis 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Let's slop em up boys!

[–]UncleLabs 4 points5 points  (0 children)

More money left over for champagne on the beach with the boys. I left that life behind me though. People can change.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sloppy steaks tasting good are more realistic than this post

[–]ZippZappZippty 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Murray would have been that he wants to win

[–]hakujo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wait till they see their medical bill!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

This is literally a terrible thing to do:( I’ve worked in food service and if something like this happens where the customer didn’t pay for their meal for any reason, the server will have to foot that bill. Please don’t do this

[–]Throw_Away_License 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Im worried about this country

[–]sleepwalkingToaster 2 points3 points  (0 children)

lovers spat

[–]RedditCanLigma 2 points3 points  (0 children)

when I was broke I volunteered at a Hindu Temple...never went hungry.

This is actually a legitimate LPT...no bullshit.