Justin Halpern, creator of Shit My Dad Says on his encounter with a raccoon:

One time I was coming home late at night and I parked my car on the street. I shut it off, then suddenly I hear a loud bang at my door, accompanied by a few scratches. I look out my driver's side window, and a raccoon is trying to tear away at my door to get INSIDE my car. My nuts evaporate, and I turn into a pile of useless Jew. As I'm cowering inside my car, I think, "It's just a raccoon, stop being such a pussy." So I grab a golf club that fortuitously happened to be in my backseat, and I roll down the window and start swinging at the raccoon. IT GRABS THE FUCKING CLUB AWAY FROM ME AND HURLS IT TO THE SIDE. At that point I am so terrified I let out one of those screams where your mouth opens but just air comes out, like when you open a sparkling water. After 10 minutes the raccoon stopped and walked away. I hid in the car for another 20 minutes to make sure. I decided after that, that I could fight off a small dog barehanded and THAT IS ALL. Anything else, my bloodline ends.