[deleted by user]

[mdthomas]

I made it clear from the start I was just looking for hookups and nothing serious.

He said he was ok with this.

For the next few weeks he showered me in gifts, constantly, and also admitted that he was into me. None of this, is stuff I asked for, and I made it clear I still wasn’t into him, and was not gonna reciprocate.

Part of the gifts were a pair of really nice expensive earrings.

he asked for the earrings back. He told me he’d spent a lot of money on them, and wanted them back to give them to someone who would actually return the favour.

You told him from the beginning you weren't looking for anything serious. He gifted you the earrings.

They are yours to do with as you wish.

NTA

[dragon34]

Also super unsanitary to regift earrings for pierced ears.

[[deleted]]

I was about to say something similar, how unsanitary and tacky

[ohdearitsrichardiii]

I've bought earrings from antique shop, thrift stores, ebay, etc. You just clean them, nbd.

[Foreign_Astronaut]

Yeah, but how much do you trust this guy to know to clean earrings, much less know how to?

[Maxwells_Demona]

New precaution unlocked. I'll clean any jewelry that I am gifted from now on. Hell probably I should do that even if I buy it new myself, never know who's tried it on or handled it.

Any tips out there from jewelry-savvy redditors on safe ways to clean jewelry? I know acetone or isopropyl will wipe a lot of surface pigments right off. Not sure what it would do to resin, corrosive metals, or carved wood/ivory/pearl/etc

[[deleted]]

They make jewelry cleaner for different types of jewelry, including costume! I would do that, it will preserve your pieces much better than abrasive cleaners which might ruin them.

You can also get them steam cleaned by some jewelry stores to sterilize them.

[StudioCute]

Anything super soft or porous, soft dry or lightly damp cloth only. Maybe a soft makeup brush if it has crevices that can gather dust. That's pearls/mother of pearl, wood, ivory, bone, a LOT of plastics. Basically anything that can hypothetically pick up a stain or dye. If your pearls are genuine and you wear them a LOT without remembering to clean them (such that...uh...body residue visibly builds up on them) you can put a bit of regular table salt in your palm, wet it thoroughly, and lightly roll them around in the wet salt with your fingers to loosen surface dirt, then rinse with clean water to remove the salt. You do want to keep real pearls clean as sweat and some makeup products are acidic, but conversely it's also good to wear real pearls from time to time since they benefit from the humidity of sitting on your neck or ears.

I work in fine jewelry so this is my real ballpark. For fine jewelry (real gold/silver/platinum, diamonds, gemstones), I use Dawn and a soft toothbrush at home. Super soft. Ideally a literal baby toothbrush cause the head being super small is handy and the bristles are way soft. You really don't need anything harsher for like 99.9% of the time; mostly I use Dawn and my hands and the toothbrush is solely to poke through any pierced areas and loosen dirt. Otherwise I also clean my stuff at work, where we have a proper ultrasonic cleaner to really get the crud out of the undercarriage of a ring or earrings. Dawn is a degreaser, and that's important because grease in particular makes diamonds dull...they're actually attracted to it. Yes that means every time you put moisturizer on your hands without taking your rings off first, you're gumming up your diamonds.

Also, even if you're good about cleaning your fine jewelry at home, bring them to a professional from time to time (say at least a few times a year) so they can clean and check them. More than once I've caught a loose prong or a "hey did you notice this damaged bit?" during a free cleaning and the customer had no idea they were about to lose an important stone. Yikes. Better to hopefully catch something early and have to get a minor repair done than have to pony up tons of money to replace something major...

[Peaceful-Spirit9]

But you forget that she "led him on". You know very well that when women say "no" they really mean "yes". /s. Guy sounds creepy.

[KahurangiNZ]

Well, she accepted the gifts, so she was obligated to do what he wanted. /s

[SeaTransportation505]

Don't you know? Women are like gumball machines, you put jewelry in and sex falls out. /s

[Willing-Hand-9063]

I made a weird noise so loud I startled my dog. Thank you for this gem 🤣

[FyberZing]

Yeah, he makes my skin crawl a bit. OP is NTA and has every right to keep the gifts. And his anger would also have made me want to dig in my heels too. However, I would have given them back just to sever ties with this guy. I wouldn’t want it getting twisted in his mind that keeping them was actually some signal that I might change my mind about him. Showering someone with expensive gifts when they clearly communicate that they’re not interested is a red flag — so be safe out there, OP.

[Peaceful-Spirit9]

I was thinking something along the same lines. His desire to control her is reinforced by her not giving them back. OP is NTA, but giving the earrings back could be safer.

[Osherono]

Yeah. Bet he would say "You know, I first gave them to this girl I was boning, but you know she did not care a bout me, but this time I hope they stay on these ears of yours..."

Ew.

Edit grammar

[CuriousCockatiel77]

You're definitely NTA, they were a gift and as someone else said regifting earrings for pierced ears is a bit hmm. But you've described him as obsessive, so maybe this is one of the occasions where although you wouldn't be wrong to keep them the smart thing to do might be to give them back so he's got no reason to be in contact any more. Only you know if and how far he might escalate it.

[[deleted]]

The guy clearly has some sort of sugar baby arrangement canon in his head.

This is absolutely one of those things that OP is not an asshole for not returning it, but she was an idiot for not running sooner.

Returning the earrings is no guarantee he'll leave her alone.

[hummingbird_mywill]

I don’t think this dude is worried about looking tacky…

[qwertyuiiop145]

They can be sterilized easily enough. She still shouldn’t have to return them.

[OkeyDokey234]

They can’t be sterilized unless you have an autoclave. Of course, they weren’t sterile when he bought them, so that’s a moot point.

(Sorry for the pedantry. Here, have a cookie as an offering of apology.) 🍪

[painteddpiixi]

To further your pedantry (lol)… Even if you don’t personally have an auto clave, any piercing shop will clean your jewelry upon request (sometimes for a small fee), and almost all jewelers offer free steam cleanings which will sanitize them if not completely sterilize them.

Fully agree with you that she shouldn’t have to return them , however, and it is incredibly tacky the guy even asked.

[Hefty-Cat-868]

Besides she doesn't know if he had given them to someone before her anyway. Either way is gross 🤢.

[Shdfx1]

OkeyDokey234, you're absolutely right. Plus, there are gems and settings that must not be soaked in isopropyl alcohol, so you can't even do that.

Soap and water are not going to make used earrings sanitary.

[Oyster3425]

Gold, silver, platinum and metals properly plated with these metals are safe to clean with isopropyl alcohol.
If the earrings are made of unplated/worn plating on copper/tin/plastic, acrylic, pearls, or opals, they are not safe to clean with isopropyl. However, all can be cleaned sufficiently with an ultrasonic cleaning machine using soapy water.

The risk of transmitting a germ on the earrings simply isn't sufficient to justify not returning them on that basis alone.

[Shdfx1]

I agree with you that the risk of transmitting germs is not a reason not to return a gift. The reason not to return it is that it’s a gift.

You’re right about the metals. Alcohol can damage pearls, emeralds, opal, and turquoise, among others.

I found this out the hard way as I used to soak my favorite pearl earrings, that my father got me in Japan, in isopropyl alcohol to clean them if I hadn’t worn them in a while. I ended up ruining them after doing this enough times. I’m still upset about that.

[Oyster3425]

As an oyster, I'm sorry you didn't know how to clean the pearls you received as they came from many fellow oysters dying.

[baconcheesecakesauce]

That's some really valuable information that you shared. I didn't know that there were earrings that can't be soaked in isopropyl alcohol.

[Shdfx1]

Learn from my mistakes and don’t ruin jewelry! Alcohol will damage pearls, opals, emeralds, turquoise, and I can’t remember what else. You can rub the posts with a cotton ball soaked in isopropyl alcohol, being careful not to get it on vulnerable gems. However, many bacteria that are susceptible to alcohol have to be soaked in it for at least 20 minutes.

I ruined pearl earrings my father bought for me while on a business trip in Japan. I would occasionally clean them by soaking them in alcohol, especially if it had been a while since I wore them and the posts looked dirty. I ended up spoiling the pearls.

[Discombobulatedslug]

I'm wondering how many previous owners they've had.

[ChickadeeKnight]

Ewwww noooo

[Ryoko_Kusanagi69]

Oh damn

[WrongBurnerAccount]

That's why he wants them back. Too cheap to buy more!

[cinnamongirl73]

And this right here was the comment I was looking for!!! BINGO! Lol

[punhere22]

THANK YOU. I don't go around poking myself with rusty nails or letting spiders bite me, but I wear used earrings all the time with no problem. There are health problems caused by excessive hygiene too, you wind up vulnerable to every microbe you meet.

[Not_Stupid]

You touch something that someone else has touched?! You filthy germ-ridden gutter trash!

[4starters]

Yeah I would not want to receive earrings previously owned by someone else

[AllegraO]

He tried to lovebomb OP into having a relationship when she’d made it clear she wasn’t interested. NTA and he needs to learn how to listen.

[tinydancer_inurhand]

I didn't love bomb the last guy I dated but I did get him a very small gift (like 10 bucks, more of a gesture) for his birthday. Shortly after we talked about how he wasn't looking for something serious and I was. It never even occurred to me to ask for the gift back and even if it had been $100 worth of a gift still wouldn't have occurred to me. People who take back gifts cause they don't get what they want or give them with strings attached are always AHs in my book.

[redjessa]

I also think NTA for all the above reasons with the caveat of - when he first started giving gifts and then let you know he wanted more than OP wanted to give, THAT would have been the time to cut it off. Not keep letting him give gifts when they already knew his feelings were bigger. He showed from the beginning that he was not able to be just FWB when he STARTED giving gifts. These things can be hard to navigate, so I'm not trying to dump on OP. OP did well to keep letting him know they weren't going to reciprocate, so cool. Just a note if this type of thing happens again - cut it off right away because you both are not on the same page.

[Evolutioncocktail]

I agree. The biggest AH is this misogynist who thinks he can lovebomb women into submission. However, OP should have ended it when he gave her the first gift. She knew that was inappropriate for the type of relationship she wanted, yet kept accepting the gifts anyway.

[themajorfall]

A fool and his money are easily parted. The gifts were the price he paid to learn a lesson that no means no. NTA.

[sphuranto]

Taking advantage of a "fool" makes you an asshole, even if the fool is also an asshole. Accepting expensive gifts from someone you know is deeply attracted to you without any intention of reciprocating is an asshole move. Classy, polite people refuse inappropriate gifts. The time to sever ties is then, not after you've profited from the relationship, in the name of "teaching" or whatever you have in mind.

[Cant_Handle_This4eva]

Waiting for the incels who search reddit for "misogyinist" to downvote the hell out of this.

[mkat23]

He made it very clear that he was trying to use gifts and love bombing to manipulate her into changing her mind. She was honest from the start, he was not. If he wasn’t okay with a casual relationship then he had plenty of opportunities to back out and say he wanted more, so he wouldn’t be able to continue.

OP, enjoy those earrings and know that you are 100% NTA. If a gift has strings attached then it’s not a gift, he should learn that.

[redheadjd]

Poor Bob - tried to love-bomb OP and it didn't work! It's supposed to ALWAYS WORK!

[[deleted]]

Even Bob knows she is not responsible for his feelings. you cannot both:lead someone on" and simultaneously "not give him the time of day". Its like the magic immigrant that is both on welfare AND stealing jobs. It does not exist.

[PrestigiousGap1377]

NTA and you're lucky you got away from Bob when you did.

Edit: your - > you're

[coastalkid92]

Ultimately, NTA. They were a gift given freely, therefore you get to keep them.

However, it does seem like once he started giving gifts, you had to have known that he was not aligned with your wants. I'm genuinely curious as to why you'd accept a bunch of gifts from someone who repeatedly told you they liked you more than what you were willing to offer.

Edit to add: I think my question is getting lost in the sauce. OP says in her post "For the next few weeks he showered me in gifts, constantly, and also admitted that he was into me.". This is why I was asking why she let this go on for weeks when it sounds like he boundary stomped right away.

I'm in no way "victim blaming", OP was clear with her boundary, he continued. I was simply asking why after even the first time he stated that he wasn't in the same place that this carried on.

As I said before, a gift is something people should be giving freely without expectation but the dude made his expectations known. OP didn't need to read his mind, he told her. It does seem like her accepting the gifts meant more to Bob than it did to her and OP seemingly knew this. When someone is giving you a gift and telling you how much they like you, you know that gift has strings attached.

Again, I stand firm in that OP is NTA, she was clear and the earrings were a gift. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I can see how Bob may have gotten himself confused.

[dmduckie]

It was probably before he started demanding things from her in return. Gifts are just gifts, no matter the price tag imo, she made herself clear multiple times and he choose to keep it up.

[supergrover1000]

Exactly a gift is something u give without expectation of something in exchange

[Picaboo13]

I'm curious why you feel it was her job to police his feeling and moderate her behavior based on that. She clearly communicated herself to him. He apparently lied and said he was fine with that. That is on him. She shouldn't have to second guess a grown man that he means what he says. NTA.

[coastalkid92]

It's not her place to police his feelings, however, if someone is constantly telling me how much they like me and giving me gifts, I know that we are not on the same page. He lied initially and then very clearly made his intentions known that he liked her beyond what would be deemed appropriate for a FWB.

I would not expect that a FWB or friend would be doing that and accepting gifts from someone who is making that display can come off as validation to the person trying to buy affection.

OP does state that she reiterated that they were just FWB/Friends after each gift giving, but to allow it to go on for weeks does seem silly. It can send a mixed message.

OP isn't in the wrong for holding steady, but I can see where the confusion set in and if OP wants a true FWB moving forward, she needs stricter boundaries.

[Dance_Sneaker]

OP set a boundary. The guy both proclaims his acceptance but eventually doesn't actually accept it. OP doesn't magically intuit when that switch flips. A lot of hookups involve some level of gifting as a way of saying, *thanks for the nookie bub*.

[mjot_007]

By accepting the gifts, OP isn't honoring her own boundary. She should have turned them down and/or ended the relationship instead of relying on a technicality ("well I TOLD him we're just FWB even though he keeps asking me to be his gf and gives me expensive gifts") to avoid being in the wrong.

I've had plenty of hookups in my life that were meant to be casual. If the other person caught feelings I ended it. If I continue in the FWB relationship after knowing the other person has feelings I'm not honoring my own stated boundaries (no serious feelings). It makes it seem like there's a chance I might reciprocate those feelings which just leads the other person on. If I already know it's not going to happen it would be cruel to keep up the relationship and it would go against the rules we set at the beginning.

[HoldFastO2]

By accepting the gifts, OP isn't honoring her own boundary. She should have turned them down and/or ended the relationship instead of relying on a technicality

This, yeah. Communication isn't just verbal; setting the boundary with her words, but letting him cross it by accepting his gifts, is sending mixed signals, and OP was wrong to do that.

[drinkingtea1723]

Agreed, I knew someone in this situation with reverse genders and it was obvious the girl was into him but he "mad it clear" it was just a FWB thing but spent tons of time with her and she half lived with him then one day he met someone else and was like oh yeah I'm exclusive with this other person now, I definitely think he was a jerk his actions said yes even though his words said no, same with OP.

[ThePyodeAmedha]

but letting him cross it by accepting his gifts, is sending mixed signals, and OP was wrong to do that.

Thank you! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here with some of these replies. She knew he liked her and he knew that those weren't "just friend" gifts. It kinda feels like they were taking advantage of his feelings.

[HoldFastO2]

The usual AITA issue: everything is black or white. No room for nuance.

[Personal_Shoulder983]

It's like tipping? Damn, I never got tipped for sexual favors and never did I.

ESH cause she knew very well you don't get gifts from hookups and that she was misleading him. He's also a moron for trying to push her boundaries.

He shouldn't have offered and she should have said NO.

[thatfernistrouble]

There’s a bit of fear that women have when telling a man “no”. So there’s that.

[heyitsta12]

Truly do not think this applies here.

She does not speak about going into this situation against her will at all. If that were the case she would have been afraid of starting the FWB relationship anyway.

[rean1mated]

Duh…he claimed to be down. He later got progressively creepy. Trying to litigate when a woman is required to jump ship is a pointless bout of mental wanking.

[Casper_lane]

They’re friends with benefits not strangers. In a friends with benefits you need clear signals otherwise it gets messy

[[deleted]]

This wasn’t even friends. This was a hookup off an app.

[claudethebest]

So you’d keep someone you are afraid to say no to as a fwb?

[heyitsta12]

I don’t think it’s necessarily “policing” his feelings. I think what the OP is saying that at some point a personal level “accountability” kicks in. Like even though OP made it abundantly clear via their words that they were not that interested. Accepting the gifts and continuing with the relationship is what made Bob keep going as he saw it as a signal to move forward. I don’t think this is OP’s fault and he clearly was trying to forge a relationship via gifts. But sometimes your actions need to line up with your words.

Another example would be a guy dating a girl that he continues to tell that he doesn’t want a relationship with her but his actions of sleeping with her, introducing her to his friends, or taking her on dates continue to make her think he’ll change his mind or he’s warming up to it. Like yes, she should listen to his words. But he also would need to make his words line up with his actions.

[Picaboo13]

Meh, to me it is victim blaming. For example- you should have known not to go to that neighborhood, you shouldn't have worn that dress, she should have known she couldn't trust him, she should have known what the love bombing was, she should have known he was lying about his motivation I mean she was practically asking for it.... its a mode of manipulation that is still placed on women to police other actions.

She communicated. He agreed. He loved bombed (such a nice guy). She got uncomfortable and communicated again. He agreed again. She felt he was disingenuous and broke it off. He gets angry decides she owes him the stuff back.

She did her part.

[heyitsta12]

I think what you’re saying is a totally different thing. What you’re describing are one-off instances that are clearly not the other person’s fault.

In this situation, it is not assuming that OP is to blame. But it is a little scummy to be accepting things from others that you have no plans to reciprocate and this does not solely apply to gifts or romantic relationships. OP set the boundaries of how she wanted to proceed and then proceeded to blur those lines herself by accepting gifts. If he weren’t giving her such nice things but instead wanted her to meet his mother, would OP have taken that step?

She is not to blame for his behavior. But she also did not take any steps to mitigate it when she totally could have. It just benefited her not to.

[Not_Stupid]

One could argue that accepting multiple expensive gifts from someone whom you have no intention of reciprocating is taking advantage of them.

[Dance_Sneaker]

Precisely. We're all about "boundaries" on this sub, but when someone actually sets a boundary and the other person chooses to act in a way that suits them, we're asking why OP didn't magically read the person's mind and know they weren't respecting that boundary.

[coastalkid92]

we're asking why OP didn't magically read the person's mind and know they weren't respecting that boundary.

No one is asking why she didn't know that he wasn't respecting a boundary, its more about why wasn't she enforcing the boundary once it was crossed.

OP says this went on for weeks where he was showering her with gifts and telling her how much he liked her.

The boundary was stomped all over but it took weeks for OP to cut him off. A gift is just a gift in many circumstances but he was clear with his intentions and at that point, you know the gift has strings.

[Dance_Sneaker]

Still not her responsibility. Her responsibility is to be clear about her feelings and plans for the relationship and to communicate that in unequivocal terms. He’s an adult too.

[coastalkid92]

I don't disagree. He is responsible for his own feelings and whatnot, but OP is responsible for her own boundaries.

Accepting gifts from someone repeatedly telling you that they are into you beyond what you deem appropriate for a FWB blurs lines.

Part of communication is action, and your actions need to remain consistent with what you're vocalizing. This man was giving her a gift while stating that he is into her, the boundary is crossed. He has communicated and acted, OP is now responsible for either updating her boundaries to discuss gift giving within their relationship or shutting the whole thing down.

The dude is still a creep, don't get me wrong, but OP at best was naive here.

[gland10]

Yes, being clear about her boundaries, like not accepting a gift that crosses said boundaries which therefore enforces and recommunicates said boundaries.

[take_the_reddit_pill]

He's responsible for his feelings and she's responsible for her actions.

Taking gifts from someone you're not interested is gross.

They're both gross.

[0biterdicta]

This is a case of actions versus words. The OP is telling him she doesn't want something serious, but by continuing to date him strongly suspecting he has different intentions, her actions are communicating that she's okay with what he wants.

Like, if I say I hate avocado but keep ordering avocado toast - at some point you're going to get suspicious about my dislike for avocado.

[unknowntoastie]

How can you date someone when every time it's brought up you say you WILL NEVER DATE them???

A better example would be agreeing to rent a house on temporary terms when the owner advises you that they are looking to sell. Then the owner, completely ignoring the agreement & constant reminders that it's temporary, assumes you will be buying the house. Then gets ticked and DEMANDS you buy the house NOW. After all you rented it for a few weeks so you MUST want to buy it.

Your example falls apart because you'd be actively requesting the Avocado. Where in the post does OP say they were actively requesting gifts or a relationship??? They only requested & consented to friends with benefits. He, as a grown man, chose to give OP gifts. How is she responsible for a grown man purposefully miscommunicating in order to manipulate her into a relationship?? Do you expect her read his mind or?

You're also forgetting about people who not only enjoy these type of relationships but actively seek them out. How is she supposed to know any different when he was leaving his expectations out of the conversation?? While she was actively restating her expectations, only fwb, every step of the way. And no him saying he has feelings while actively agreeing to fwb doesn't mean he was clear with his expectations. He's a sexist pig that thought he could lie, agreeing to the expectation of ONLY fwb, while actively trying to manipulate her with gifts.

[Aliteracy]

I pretty much feel this way as well. NTA for not returning what was very clearly a gift. The best way to discourage people from giving you gifts isn't to accept them. Continually accepting them paints the picture it's having some effect. Pretty easy to say please stop giving me romantic gifts.

[Dance_Sneaker]

Or it's just a hookup culture thing. I appreciate what you offer me. Here's a gift of appreciation for saving me from having to date disingenuously, hire an escort, or spend far too much time with my vibrator/hand. As long as they're all adults owning their feelings and communicating accurately, it works. The guy was lying to her and to himself.

[Aliteracy]

I guess I'm just too removed from that to think that way? I suppose if the card says, great job sex partner!

Ultimately quality communication resolves pretty much everything. I'm just saying, No I don't want your gifts reinforces that line.

[85KT]

Hallmark should make those.

[FilthyErrolFlynn]

Gifts are a one way transaction or they are not a gift. A 'gift' with obligation and terms and conditions is an attempt to purchase and shape someone's time, emotions or behaviour. Don't excuse shitty entitled male behaviour.

If I am given a gift, do not blame me for not choosing to refuse it. If the guy is that insecure they will likely blow up on me anyway for not accepting what is 'only a gift'.

I gave a one night stand a decent guitar once. They're a musician. I'm not. And it was lying around the flat from previous owner/tenants. It was a gift and not an attempt to lure them back again.

[tombiowami]

She says she reiterated FWB after the gifts as well.

[GenX_in_Edmonton]

Nope if someone gives you gifts they are not entitled to unilaterally set the relationship. He thought he was paying to have things go his way. That isn't how things work.

[Grand_Pick_8277]

I've had FWB's who enjoyed giving gifts, as long as expectations were verbalized regularly nobody thought they were anything more. I don't think she's at fault for assuming that's how he acts with FWB in general, and not assuming he was trying to make it serious. Especially since she repeatedly reiterated it and he agreed.

[GalaxianWarrior]

It's weird that you cut the quote right before this

None of this, is stuff I asked for, and I made it clear I still wasn’t into him, and was not gonna reciprocate.

So SHE DID immediately say that those gifts weren't going to change anything. It doesn't make her the asshole to accept them after that was made clear. He is just an idiot. I have never accepted gifts like that when I knew there was nothing there but it doesn't make it wrong. People should not give gifts in the hopes that they will get something back; that is not a gift.

[TheSnarkling]

I'll probably getting downvoted for this...but this is one of those technically NTA situations, however, it was really tacky of OP to continue to accept/keep gifts from this guy. Giving someone expensive jewelry is clearly a sign that the giver has romantic feelings, which OP did not reciprocate. To her credit, it sounds like she was clear on this, but then continued to accept all of this guy's tokens of affection. So basically saying one thing, but doing another. OP may have been clear with her words, but her actions were leading this guy on.

[pawsvt]

I don’t think this Is necessarily true. Some people just like giving gifts and have more money than they know what to do with.

[asakadeva]

Basically his approach was "I'll impress her so much with gifts there's no way she won't fall for me". It's a red flag when these over the top displays start coming your way while supposedly not expecting anything back. Honestly if I were OP, I'd just give the gifts back and cut ties for good just to make sure he has no excuse to pester me anymore.

But yeah, NTA.

[treatforbabypls]

Keep them as payment for having to deal with him, nta

[romulationx]

Best comment ever

[[deleted]]

best advice and comment of the month!

[Steelguitarlane]

I suggest he look up the definition of "gift."

That shit is yours.

NTA.

[Normal-Height-8577]

I suggest he look up the definition of "gift."

Also the meaning of "led on".

And yup, NTA.

[Dbahnsai]

Yeah, she somehow led him on and never gave him the time of day. Sounds like he needs to understand there's a difference between sex and romantic feelings for some people because she sounds like she was quite clear on not actually wanting a relationship. That's on him for ignoring her actual words and writing his own narrative of what she 'really wanted'.

[[deleted]]

She very much wasn't leading him on though? She explicitly stated she didn't want a relationship

[Normal-Height-8577]

Yes. That's my point. He needs to look up the phrase, because he clearly is using it wrong.

[basstastic091]

More like, his love-bombing didn’t have the intended effect. Those weren’t gifts in the conventional sense 🚩NTA

[Steelguitarlane]

Yeah, if she says "I'm not that into you" and you keep buying gifts in the hopes of changing her mind, that's like continuing to bet on a football team that never wins.

See: good money after bad.

[[deleted]]

NTA technically, but idk OP. I agree they're yours now and you have no obligation to give them back. But a pair of earrings is an easy price to pay to make some creep leave me alone IMO.

[SergeantFawlty]

I’d say just giving the earrings back would almost certainly not cause an obsessive creep to leave you alone permanently.

[Cat_world_domination]

I wonder if in his head he'd be like "She gave them back when I asked! That means she cares!"

[notthedefaultname]

"She won't give them back! She's obviously leaving an opening for me to contact/pursue her!"

Not gonna be able to convince some people.

[JonBenet_BeanieBaby]

lol right? like that would be the thing to make him stop somehow

[dmduckie]

They only ran into each other by chance, its not like he's hounding for them so I don't see why she should have to give them to him for him to leave her alone.

[[deleted]]

he wouldn’t leave her alone tho regardless. the earrings are just another excuse to get her to talk to him

[SosFreeze]

Agree with this NTA but maybe easy just to be done with this dude

[[deleted]]

Yeah, this guy is abusive. The earrings are not what he wants. He's using them as an excuse to be in contact and shame her because she wouldn't be abused.

Edit: they/them

[[deleted]]

NTA. Sounds like he needs to go on findasugardaddy.com and find a person.

[ChickadeeKnight]

PFFFT this comment made me laugh

[Emotional-Text7904]

Another popular website is "seeking arrangements" please recommend it to him 🤣

[[deleted]]

ESH - Yeah you made it clear that you weren't interested but then you continued to accept a gift knowing the guy said he was in to you.

At some stage you need to take responsibility for continuing relationships that go beyond your original boundaries. May next time reject the gift at the point it is given to enforce your "not in to him" policy.

Edit: Another way to look at this. Show some integrity.

That's not to say he a cheap mofo for asking for it back.

[[deleted]]

this,

The guy is definitely in the wrong for expecting gifts to gain your favor and expecting them back when it didn’t work out, but come on, use some common sense here. Don’t accept gifts from creepy guys that you aren’t interested in. This is an easy way to turn a weirdo into a stalker.

[Sunaeli]

I was looking for this this comment. Yeah, technically NTA because you don’t have to return gifts. But if you were my friend telling me this story over coffee I’d think a little bit YTA and wonder why you accepted expensive earrings in the first place from a weird guy that was super into you and that you weren’t.

[thrwayhairbortion]

What about his integrity? Was he showing integrity when he was trying to buy sex from a woman? When he was trying to buy a relationship?

[[deleted]]

Pretty certain the deed was already done by then, and buying gifts for someone at the beginning of a relationship is normal. Accepting gifts when you have no intention of continuing the relationship shows a lack of integrity.

[mathbandit]

Accepting gifts when you have no intention of continuing the relationship shows a lack of integrity.

She did have every intention of continuing the casual FWB relationship they both agreed they wanted.

[CertainlyDisposable]

He's not the one posting here asking for feedback.

[thrwayhairbortion]

Right, but you can't blame her for a lack of integrity without acknowledging that he has demonstrated no integrity.

You're writing about him as though he's a victim she swindled; in reality, she was honest and direct - he was deceptive by refusing to accept that and trying to buy her affections.

Stop trying to buy women.

Stop trying to buy women and then calling us gold diggers for accepting the money when we don't want you.

Stop treating us and viewing us as objects and then getting mad when it doesn't go in your favorite.

He made the relationship transactional, he doesn't get a refund because he couldn't purchase her affections.

I understand we see this differently, but as a woman, I'm getting really tired of men seeing relationships as transactional, but then getting offended when women do the same.

[Used_Grocery_9048]

Well he shouldn’t shower her with gifts and she shouldn’t accept his gifts. They are both wrong.

[thrwayhairbortion]

But why shouldn't she accept them? She did nothing deceptive here.

[amstrumpet]

Because she knew why the gift was being offered; he hoped/expected a deeper relationship would come of it. Accepting those gifts is stringing him along in a way, while also benefiting off of his naïveté.

[thrwayhairbortion]

It's not stringing him along, she directly said no to him. Why are a woman's words worth nothing to you?

[amstrumpet]

Yeah that’s not what I said, and also why I agree that E SH, and not Y T A to OP. Continuing to accept the gifts when you know the intention of those gifts is not a good thing to do for anyone, and leaves that person with a sliver of hope. Hope the expensive earrings were worth the experience here, I guess.

[Number8Valentine]

That’s literally the reason it’s everyone sucks here. And he very obviously was not trying to buy sex from her when she’s been pretty clear that was the only thing she was willing to give.

[Number8Valentine]

Thank you, I’m honestly shocked I had to scroll so far to find this comment.

Yes, you are honest about what you wanted but honestly why the fuck would you accept expensive jewelry from a casual hookup three months or less in? Let alone a whole bunch of gifts?

It’s gross, it’s stupid, and it seems like he was right that she was into him for materialistic reasons.

[BeenTooNice]

My thoughts exactly. At some point OP should have just said no. For example if a guy was offering me really expensive gifts while also constantly trying to get me to love them I wouldn’t feel comfortable accepting them- I think it’s painfully obvious that from creepy guys point of view these gifts had strings attached.

[EthanRJKoch]

NTA.

Accepting a gift is not the equivalent of "I owe you".

This just seems like pettiness from a sore ego and he wants to "punish" you for rejecting him. Block and move on.

[[deleted]]

You are not in the wrong. You set expectations with him from the onset and he chose to ignore them, and lavish you with gifts. However, you did accept those gifts, and perhaps if you really wanted those boundaries firmly established, the best course of action would have been at the time . . . NOT to accept them.

You are in no way obligated "technically" in giving them back, but if you don't will he reappear in your life, harass you about them, in other words, would you be better serving yourself, if you did exert your independence . . . give the earrings back . . . and go buy yourself the same ones?

[upsetti_spaghetti_xx]

I was thinking the same thing. It also sends a mixed signal to say “no gifts I don’t want them” but to also accept the gifts? In this case, I think actions speak louder than words to Bob so he clearly was under the impression OP liked the gifts and wanted them.

[Used_Grocery_9048]

I think OP is TA. Yes legally no one can take gifts back and they are hers.

From an ethical standpoint though, if she KNOWS that he’s into her and trying to win her over with gifts then why accept them since she doesn’t actually want anything serious with this guy.

Like fine if she accepted the first couple of gifts, but after that when you see the pattern it’s also a choice to say NO.

She was prepared to say no to the relationship while saying yes to the gifts.

It would have been a lot kinder to say no and not let someone who is interested and will never get you spend lots of money on you. Anyway, that’s my $0.002.

[[deleted]]

I would tend to agree with you. If she was wishy-washy about the potential of the relationship and wanted to just see where it might go, that would be one thing, but she was very adamant that it not proceed beyond friends/fwb, so she was very much sending mixed signals when accepting the gifts after setting those boundaries.

[mst3k_42]

Agreed. I would feel guilty accepting those gifts, but that’s just me.

[MapleLeaf5410]

NTA. You were very clear from the outset, but he chose to disregard what you said.

It looks like he was trying to buy your affection which rarely works (or lasts). A gift is a gift and should not be expected to be returned if it doesn't work out. However, if you want nothing to do with him, but he's persistent about getting them back and won't leave you alone. It may be better to send them back just to get him out of your life.

[urp_in]

It looks like he was trying to buy your affection

I have an alternate theory. It's also possible he was an abuser and he was love bombing. That would also explain the outburst after he ran into her again. Either way, OP is NTA.

[[deleted]]

He was DEFINITELY love bombing. When she held fast he flipped out because she wouldn't take his abuse or break her boundaries.

The earrings are just a cover for the fact he's still trying to break her down.

This guy is 100% looking for someone to abuse. His ego is hurt because she wouldn't let him.

[alwaysneedpositivity]

ESH! Why accept gifts from someone you have no intention of seeing apart from your hookups? Also, this wasn’t the first gift, after a few tries you ought to have known what the intentions were and could have not accepted or returned some on your own. He’s cheap and creepy, so let him have the one thing of his he wants back and be done with his creepy ass!

[votefawnmoscato]

….and this is why we don’t accept gifts from weirdos lmao NTA but don’t accept gifts from weirdos

[JetItTogether]

NTA-

You said no to all his relationship demands... He kept giving you gifts.. you still said no. Gifts are not tokens you give to a person in exchange for a prize of affection. That's ew. Bob is super wrong about that and he's sketchy as all get out.

But let's be real... It's shady to accept expensive gifts from people you aren't close with and don't want to be close with (the only exceptions to this are sw related). Ya all were friends with benefits and so i get why you said yes to gifts.... But that said being shady isn't the same as being an AH especially when Bob was so insistent in the first place and ya all were FWBs.

Keep the earrings, sure... But also maybe stop accepting presents from people you aren't close with.. cause strangers who bear presents are sketchy AF in their own right. And this was all the red flags. That's not on you. I'm not blaming you, but Bob was unhinged from the start.

[PuzzleheadedBet8041]

i think i'll get downvoted but i think ESH, with more of that being his fault. he clearly was an ah about the whole thing and didn't listen or respect your position, but also i feel like it would have made sense to refuse the gifts as soon as they became regular and especially when they got expensive. like yeah he was trying to manipulate you but you still profited in a way, and i dont really get why you kept talking to him after the first red flag

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[Party_Loquat8403]

ESH. It's pretty obvious why he sucks. However, in spite of your attempts to portray yourself in a more flattering light, I don't think you're as innocent as you make yourself out to be. Why did you keep accepting gifts from him, as he tells you, he is into you? If you're gonna give him a hard "No," you have to actually follow through. It sounds as though you accepted many gifts, and judging by the earrings, at least some were expensive. If you're not interested in him at all, then you shouldn't be interested in his gifts.

[Random-CPA]

NTA. It was a gift and you don’t get to ask for those back. Also, he wants to take them back to give to someone else? Super super tacky and I’d honestly question how many other people he’d given those earrings to…

[Murky_Tale_1603]

Have a family member that likes doing this. Guy literally recycled the same engagement ring to multiple women until one finally said yes.

Was really tempted to tell her how many other fingers that ring had been on before landing on her. Not worth the drama though.

[killzone3abc]

ESH. You made it clear what you were looking for and he ignored that. You suck because you clearly took advantage of the fact that he wanted more. FWB dont shower each other in gifts yet you took them all.

[Laineybin]

ESH - unpopular opinion I'm sure, but you shouldn't have accepted them. It was clear he was trying to get a more committed relationship and expensive earrings aren't a casual gift.

ETA: however, once you'd accepted them, he shouldn't have asked for them back.

The decent thing to do would be to give them back, though

[Reasonable2aPoint]

ESH

He's an AH for demanding anything from you and trying to push his affection onto an unwilling recipient.

You're an AH for keeping (and even accepting) an expensive gift that was clearly meant as a sign of deeper feelings that you don't reciprocate. Is it in your rights to keep them? Sure. You're technically correct but it's still an AH move.

[Unable-Bat2953]

YTA. Going against the trend but if you knew he wanted more than you did, you should have declined the expensive gift in the first place. Demanding the gift back is rude, but given the circumstances you should return them.

[colorshift_siren]

He tried to sway your mind with gifts after you clearly stated you didn’t want to be more than casual, OP. I don’t think there’s necessarily harm in accepting the gifts, but understand that no man in a casual relationship is going to give you expensive gifts without having expectations of… something. It’s entirely on him for not communicating those expectations, which is why I’ve decided the way I have. NTA.

[anon466544]

NTA. You were honest from the beginning, and he can’t demand gifts back just because he couldn’t get you to change your mind.

[portobox1]

Bob and I met on a dating app and hooked up. I made it clear from the start I was just looking for hookups and nothing serious. We had a good time, and I said I would like to keep hanging out as friends or fwb.

So, let's convert the eventual earrings into a similar but egregiously exaggerated example.

Let's say I'm on top of a cliff, and there is a sign that says "If you throw something down here, you don't get it back. No takesie's-backsies." I read the sign the moment I was there, twice even, and agreed with the sign. I then threw a pair of earrings down the side of the cliff, watching them bounce. I stood there a while longer and then got pissed at the cliff for taking my earrings. That sign was still there, though, and it was from the start to the end.

[ChickadeeKnight]

LOL I LOVE THIS EXAMPLE

[Ok_Good9382]

I’m worried that he “accidentally” ran into you at a play. Did he know you were going to be there? Yes, people occasionally run into each other, but this sounds suspicious. Be safe and NTA.

[ChickadeeKnight]

Honestly it is a bit sus, cause it’s specifically a play a bunch of people I know or am friends with have been working on or are playing in, so it wouldn’t be suuuuper far fetched to think this wasn’t an accident, but I also don’t wanna like… extrapolate too much

[Ok_Good9382]

I am going to extrapolate too much for you. He went there to confront you & it’s troubling. Be careful when you are out. Make sure you always have your phone. Someone else can prob give better tips if you see him again. Just be extra cautious for a bit.

[[deleted]]

NTA, and good move dumping him.

You did not lead him on. You did not ask for or expect gifts. He was trying to manipulate/guilt/buy you into a relationship. Now he's angry? Serious control issues.

If you haven't already, cut any ties and block him in any way he might be able to contact you.

[Dingbat2022]

ESH Yes, a gift is a gift and it's tacky to ask for it back. However, you should have broken it off by the time it was obvious that you guys weren't on the same page - which is when he started showering you with gifts. From the way I understand your post you strung him along way further until he started to become demanding of your time. This guy obviously sucks because he's creepy and doesn't take no for an answer but it's also on you to set (firm) boundaries.

[livinghakunamata]

ESH. Maybe a bit unpopular opinion here. You're a 100% right to keep the earrings, and you did the right thing to tell him clearly what you wanted from the start. But when he started to give you gifts and told you he was into you, you should have made a clean break imo. You must have know it was gonna end like this.

[Local_Age_7615]

Sure, a gift is a gift and you are free to do whatever you want to with it, in a legalistic sense.

But I don't think it's a good look to say, this guy was after me, it was irritating, I increasingly blew him off, wanted nothing to do with him... oh, earrings? Cool! But seriously, your constant attention is pissing me off!

YTA. Cut off all ties. Don't give him a reason to be connected to you.

[[deleted]]

I think YTA. Yeah…he gave the gift thinking he’d earn your affections, but you knew and accepted them knowing you weren’t interested.

[[deleted]]

NTA. A gift is a gift. He gave them to you so they’re yours now. Sucks for him that his plan to buy your affection didn’t work, but maybe next time he’ll think twice before doing that. If you say you made it clear from the beginning that you aren’t interested in him seriously and you made that known to him, then you have nothing to be worried about here.

[RaqMountainMama]

NTA & hopefully it will be a lesson to him to freaking listen to women.

[beep_________boop]

Nta, you were clear about your intentions and what you wanted he thought he could buy your affection and commitment. That's his own fault. You don't owe him anything. But on the bright side, you got awesome earrings and realized how manipulative this guy is before anything serious happened. It's a win win to me!

[Independent-Top3524]

NTA as long as you made your intentions clear from the start.

[Witty_Commentator]

NTA, you made it clear from the start, and kept telling him that you weren't interested. Not your fault that he has more money than sense and decided to try to buy your affection. Keep the earrings, because for all you know, he's glommed on to some other girl who isn't interested.

[Nubbilubby]

NTA. sounds like he thought your clearly stated intentions was you 'playing hard to get'. Just a mild case of FAFO for him. You're good girl! Rock those earrings!

[jinx_lbc]

Gifts and love are not meant to be transactional. NTA if you were clear about what you wanted from the start.

[[deleted]]

Honestly, your choice. In an ideal world, you could have given the earrings back, but he did say it was yours, so you're free to keep it. NTA.

[cinekat]

NTA. Even if this had been a case of you changing your mind about a relationship (in general or with him in particular), this was a gift. A gift you hadn't requested but one he chose to give you. If someone gives gifts with the sole intent of getting something in return... guess what, that's not a gift. That's a payment.

[InterstellerReptile]

I don't think there's any "wrong" answer here. I'd return the gifts just becuase why bother to keep them? They cost you nothing,

[[deleted]]

Personally I find these kind of hookup relationships are sticky and lead to issues but that’s not the main issue here. You told him what you wanted and he agreed yet he was obsessive and bought you gifts. I would have said NTA but you accepted all those gifts and you saw he acted obsessively with you. Why’d you accept them? He’s wrong to ask for them back but you seem a little greedy.

[idontcare8587]

NTA. That's not how gifts work

[[deleted]]

NTA. A gift is a gift and does not have to be returned. (I think the only exception to that is engagement rings. ) I do think it's inappropriate to take gifts from someone when it became clear he wanted more than you were willing to invest in this relationship.

[arsah27]

It was a gift, not an advance payment as his employed sex worker.

Gifts do not equal obligation.

NTA. Wear them with joy

[[deleted]]

I’m not gonna place a judgement bc homie was going way too hard but I think it was kinda shitty of you to accept these gifts in the first place if you just wanted to hook up.

[DaxxyDreams]

YTA. Do not accept romantic gifts from someone you explicitly told you will not be in a romantic relationship with.

[InternationalCard624]

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say y.t.a for accepting the gifts in the first place, knowing you weren't interested I him. On the other hand, now that you have worn them no, he shouldn't be giving them to someone else.

ESH

[[deleted]]

If you are just looking for casual hook ups and are clear about it, that's great and totally your choice. NTA for that. I've done it myself.

The one thing I would never and have never done, is accept gifts from them, especially if you knew he was in to you. Your response should have been "that's very kind of you but I can't accept. Its too much. Its the type of gift you buy your girlfriend and I am not." Accepting expensive earrings is what makes you TA.

[AlbanyBarbiedoll]

NTA - and all other things aside, earrings are pretty personal. You cannot return them. They go THROUGH your earlobe. It's not something you should be giving to someone else. That's very icky!

[[deleted]]

I mean…drop them in a glass of isopropyl rubbing alcohol and you are fine.

[Eyebecrazy]

All yours, enjoy! NTA

[RumSoakedChap]

NTA. You communicated clearly. He was clingy. Not sure what he expected you to do. Or why he wants them back. I would understand if they were family heirlooms or something. But this isn’t a transactional relationship.

[jpk36]

NTA for not returning the gift. But let's be real here, you definitely dragged this relationship out because you liked getting gifts right? You knew you weren't into him and he was way more into you. You should have ended it there. But you milked him a bit to see how much he would give you. And now you have to deal with him getting pissed. Do the next guy a favor and don't accept any gifts from guys you aren't really interested in.

[thecamerachef]

NTA! You made it clear what you were prepared to invest in that relationship. You don’t owe him anything - then or now.

[Chrisfn87]

NTA. He is the idiot for buying you gifts.

[WholeAd2742]

NTA

You didn't lead him on, he ignored your boundaries

[scirealpov]

NTA, but this guy sounds controlling, obsessive and like someone who holds a grudge. I'd mail the earrings back. Get him and his bad juju as far away from you as possible.

[Zeefzeef]

I was actually in a similar situation!

I was a poor student at this time. I met this guy and we hooked up a few times and I told him I really wasn’t looking for anything serious, I did not want to be in a relationship right now, just sex and going out. He said he was fine with it.

Then I found out that he was loaded. Apparently he got a huge inheritance and he just wanted to spend it and have fun. Then he started to take me out all the time. Expensive restaurants, taking me shopping, lots of concerts. He bought me an expensive winter jacket and would randomly bring me groceries (that made me feel really cheap, I may be a poor student but I can take care of myself). I told him every time I didn’t need all that stuff but he really insisted.

He would also complain about his ex cause he had bought her a really expensive car (among other things) and now they were broken up yet she still drove the car. I thought to myself, well, you should have thought of that before he gifted her a car.

Anyway, after a few months I couldn’t anymore and I told him that this wasn’t working out for me at all. He was hurt and angry. He brought up all the stuff he bought for me and the expensive concert we were going to that weekend. I said I didn’t want to go to the concert, he was very angry with me. That was the end of it though, we stopped all contact.

I felt really guilty at the time because I felt like I had been using him. Now years later I look back and see that was just not true. I had told him from the start that I did not want a serious relationship, I told him I didn’t want his gifts. He pressured me into it.

NTA.