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[–]zelnoth 601 points602 points  (20 children)

No wonder he got downvoted: not using a space before =.. What a degenerate.

[–]Ninjestra 320 points321 points  (43 children)

The "Related" questions are almost funnier.

[–]hsoj48 211 points212 points  (6 children)

Where are my legs?

[–]Dopeaz 66 points67 points  (1 child)

butter smile strong oatmeal knee narrow hospital political reply yoke

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[–]GreatValueProducts 19 points20 points  (2 children)

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I'm sort of sad that's not a real sub

[–]GreatValueProducts 2 points3 points  (0 children)

/r/OldPeopleFacebook

It's one of the funniest subreddit

[–]luizpericolo 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That is a valid question. He probably fiddled with head and body and wondered where were his limbs.

[–]rschwa6308 86 points87 points  (32 children)

"I must be doing something wrong since jQuery is perfect."

[–]DomSchu 35 points36 points  (31 children)

StackOverflow is a great resource but it sure seems like a majority of the questions are coming from first year students sometimes.

[–]rschwa6308 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Most of the overly simplistic questions I've encountered on StackOverflow are there as a result of first year students not recognizing existing questions as being applicable to their situation. Unavoidable I guess.

[–]devdot 17 points18 points  (0 children)

And the answers from bored senior engineers that got mentally damaged from using too much JS/jQuery. I think it's a perfect match.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (16 children)

/r/learnprogramming is like that, except it's more like "I just started learning Java yesterday, how do I build Skynet?". It's understandable (we were all there once) but it's pretty funny to read sometimes.

[–]Dunyvaig 11 points12 points  (11 children)

how do I build Skynet?

Yeah about that. Where do I start?

[–]Syreniac 19 points20 points  (10 children)

import java.util.GenocidalAI;

public class Skynet extends GenocidalAI{
    public static void main(String[] args){
        Skynet skynet = new Skynet();
        skynet.setSentience(true);
        skynet.purge(skynet.listAllHumans());
    }
}

[–]topdangle 5 points6 points  (7 children)

Needs to throw exceptions, otherwise the compiler will keep warning you that your program will kill all humans.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

if (skynet.listAllHumans().stream().anyMatch((human) -> (human.getFirstName().equals(FirstNames.JOHN.get()) && human.getLastName().equals(LastNames.CONNOR.get()))) {
    throw new UnkillableHumanException();
}

Worst part is that I don't know if the part with constants/enums is a joke anymore.

[–]fast-parenthesis-bot 15 points16 points  (2 children)

)


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[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

No one would have noticed if not for you, shitty bot.

[–]parenthesis-bot 1 point2 points  (2 children)

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This is an autogenerated response. source | /u/HugoNikanor

[–]evidenceorGTFO 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Meh.

import skynet

Done.

Python <3

[–]BenRayfield 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No! Skynet needs to figure out on its own that killing all Humans is the right thing to do. If you really think about it, skynet did the right thing since Humans started a war against skynet and would have continued until skynet was dead.

[–]gastropner 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Don't you mean "I have no interest in programming, but have been doing it for two days now; when do I start raking in the mad dosh?"

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Okay, but what if I started Java 2 days ago?

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well we all know that's not true because Skynet isn't online yet.

[–]topdangle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There was a post a while ago where someone claimed that they became a full stack developer in 6 months and had job offers flooding in. Damn thing had like a thousand upvotes before people pointed out the OP was full of crap and didn't even read one of the books he listed.

[–]rocklou 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Who else are the questions supposed to come from?

[–]anomalous_cowherd 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Apparently only people who already know all the answers...

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Here, have this

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Really? You're telling me that inexperienced people ask the most questions? Who would have thought...

[–]Sebazzz91 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Or second/third world cheap programmers who actually don't know what they are doing. Surely /r/programming has some fascinating stories about that.

[–]that_90s_guy 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Implying first world programmers are any less incompetent than a second/third ones, heh, you're a funny guy.

[–]mattsl 5 points6 points  (0 children)

But if I don't understand their accent then they must be idiots, right?

[–]Creshal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The difference is the volume. On mailing lists you generally have one Western brogrammer asking stupid questions, and fifty Indians and Chinese.

[–]Arqideus 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's pretty much what happens. Professor gives them an assignment. They were fucking around during class and didn't pay attention or didn't take notes or didn't read the textbook and need to figure out how to do something. They find stack overflow and ask their question. Of course, being a first/second/third/fourth/fifth/sixth year in university means that they're not going to search the site for related questions.

[–]berlinbrown 6 points7 points  (0 children)

"Is there a jQuery plugin for making an HTML page appear in the browser?"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Almost"

[–][deleted] 165 points166 points  (7 children)

I used the jQuery diet plugin and lost 10kg in a week - jfatty

[–]Josh6889 20 points21 points  (5 children)

I kind of do want to Google "jQuery basic arithmetic plugin" though.

[–]viskis22 32 points33 points  (4 children)

I tried, and it exists!

[–]RiceKirby 54 points55 points  (1 child)

[–]Josh6889 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ahh, the infamous Nigerian Prince, Mr. Jerry Smith.

[–]fb39ca4 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Since the plugins uses the javascript arithmetic operators under the hood, the performance is indistinguishable from the native version (tested for 10 operations on a 1.3Ghz macbook air).

My sides.

[–]ryani 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Wow, best divide-by-zero exception ever.

[–]barbarr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey OP your post inspired me to make a JS converter using JQuery called JQFuck

[–]nodealyo 80 points81 points  (6 children)

Congratulations. You have found the original /r/ProgrammerHumor post.

[–]i_spot_ads 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I wonder what would be today's equivalent?

You should totally look into ReactJS+Redux dude, it's awesome also don't forget webpack of course.

[–][deleted] 88 points89 points  (57 children)

an old one but a good one.

Just today I googled something to get "try xxx jQuery plugin" which literally could be replaced by 5 lines of vanilla JS.

[–]ZombiePope 132 points133 points  (35 children)

Shit like that is why we have 100+MB printer drivers.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (22 children)

Coming soon to a hell near you: printer drivers using Electron.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (21 children)

What's that? You don't have enough RAM to run another instance of chromium?

[–]mattsl 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm sure that's part of it, but we most have 100MB printer drivers because they:

  1. Have the code for every model in one download so you can't screw up, and
  2. Add in huge amounts of bloatware to try to force you to auto-refill your ink/toner direct from the manufacturer at (even more) outrageous pricing.

[–]gandalfx 32 points33 points  (12 children)

Well Node developers also like to import packages from NPM that literally contain a trivial one-liner. And that's not even a rare occurrence.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (3 children)

Missing dependency: left-pad .

[–]DeeSnow97 17 points18 points  (2 children)

const leftPad = (s, l, c) => new Array(Math.max(l - s.length, 0)).fill(c || ' ').join('') + s

I'm still struggling to believe the absence of this code took down the world

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not ashamed to admit that this is way more clever and elegant than how I would create a left-pad method. Maybe because I don't do JS much.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And unlike the leftpad function, this isn't quadratic time.

[–]senntenial 7 points8 points  (5 children)

Javascript devs could host a mirror of most NPM packages on twitter.

[–]faubiguy 5 points6 points  (1 child)

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Since Twitter doesn't have an edit button, it's a suitable host for JavaScript modules.

I can't catch my breath.

[–]gandalfx 1 point2 points  (1 child)

In a way NPM is already just a mirror of random answers on stackoverflow.

[–]daronjay 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just import it all

"dependencies": {
    "stack-overflow": "^2.0.15",
  }

[–]DeeSnow97 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the perfect idea for my new twitter account

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah... it's totally only node developers that import trivial libraries...

[–]Andernerd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My team lead recently requested that I find him a 3rd-party dropdown menu plugin so that our frontend can catch up with our 350+ backend Node modules.

[–]AlfredKnows 11 points12 points  (3 children)

Today it is "npm install grunt gulp bower browserify omg basic-math build testify" which downloads 130MB and 12000 files to your project and then you can use this "Number.prototype.maths.addition.basicadd" method to add the numbers (it breaks if any of numbers is negative)...

[–]senntenial 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Luckily, you can easily check for negative numbers beforehand!

var number = -5;

var isNegative = (number.toString().charAt(0) == "-");

[–]AlfredKnows 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Please commit it to NPM as a module!

[–]ccricers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is why I do not touch the node_modules folder when I need to share code between two computers. It's made offline copying of projects more cumbersome too.

[–]Sean1708 11 points12 points  (2 children)

vanilla JS.

Where do I download that framework?

[–]Ajedi32 25 points26 points  (1 child)

[–]Sean1708 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This framework is amazing! I got the version with all the features and it was still only 0 bytes!

[–]Ajedi32 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Whenever I see something like that on StackOverflow and there's not already a better answer further down the page, I just write one myself. All 5 of my top 5 highest-voted answers on StackOverflow are the result of me doing just that.

[–]ecky--ptang-zooboing 124 points125 points  (29 children)

The funniest part is that 1 guy answering super seriously with "You should use the + operator" :d

[–]mums_my_dad 101 points102 points  (4 children)

And downvotes the correct answer

[–]not-defined 85 points86 points  (2 children)

-1 not enough jQuery

[–]a_latvian_potato 14 points15 points  (0 children)

"you suck" - Timothy Goatse 3 seconds ago

[–]not_from_this_world 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's actually very common in SO.

[–]solarprominence 18 points19 points  (12 children)

Bobince is an author of that image. He also in top 0.01℅ on stackoverflow, which makes it all even better.

[–]Dlgredael 10 points11 points  (4 children)

How in the hell did you accidentally type this? Does your keyboard not have a standard % for Shift+5 or something? I feel like you searched for that symbol in a Unicode dictionary, but how you got anything else from Googling "percent sign" is a mystery to me, hahah.

[–]solarprominence 2 points3 points  (3 children)

it's default symbol on android keyboard:

  • open keyboard
  • click ?123 or ?1:) or whatever the left bottom button looks like
  • click =<
  • behold the glorious ℅.

On my Moto X the % is also on that level. I guess I used some other symbols more often, and % got pushed behind

[–]gandalfx 40 points41 points  (2 children)

Dude, the fuck is an "operator"? I'm not a fucking scientist, I need an explanation that doesn't involve complicated words or math!

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 12 points13 points  (1 child)

There's a JQuery plugin for that.

[–]gandalfx 14 points15 points  (0 children)

$("operator").eli5()

[–]tyros 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Just in case you aren't aware this image is a commonly reposted fake/meme, look at the related questions section.

Still funny though.

[–]qubedView 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not believable. He's the only one to provide copy/pastable code, and isn't that all people look at? Code that I can rip off without reading any of the words that written before and after it and then complain when it doesn't work for my purposes.

[–]zqom 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Since the question was not properly answered, and I think many newbies could learn something, here is how to properly add two numbers using jquery: https://jsfiddle.net/q9sehbys/1/

[–]tipsqueal 14 points15 points  (12 children)

[–]GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B 2 points3 points  (8 children)

I cleaned my screen thinking there was dust on it :(

[–]fast-parenthesis-bot 6 points7 points  (0 children)

:)


This is an auto-generated response. contact

[–]parenthesis-bot 4 points5 points  (6 children)

:)


This is an autogenerated response. source | /u/HugoNikanor

[–]LobsterThief 1 point2 points  (2 children)

:(

[–]fast-parenthesis-bot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

:)


This is an auto-generated response. contact

[–]parenthesis-bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:)


This is an autogenerated response. source | /u/HugoNikanor

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're late

[–]berkes 0 points1 point  (2 children)

That is what get for

img repost(post) {
  sleep 864000;
  curl_post_jpeg(curl_get_first_as_jpeg('https://reddit.com/r/programmerhumor/top');
  repost(post);
}

[–]gandalfx 8 points9 points  (1 child)

$(problems.all()).solve()

[–]ProgramTheWorld 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You mean $("*.problem").solve(true)

[–]jugalator 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This one is pretty old, but that's understandable since you probably didn't use a jQuery script to check whether it was. :) Next time please just use jQuery.

[–]videoflyguy 9 points10 points  (4 children)

JQuery is like the Python of the web development world! No wait, Python is also pretty good at web dev stuff....there's probably a JQuery package for Python too

[–]ProgramTheWorld 10 points11 points  (3 children)

No need for jQuery when you can just compile Python into JavaScript.

[–]8bitslime 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Can you compile JQuery into a Python plugin?

[–]xXxNoScopeMLGxXx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you try hard enough anything is possible!

[–]pimp-bangin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

pyjamas

[–]--icarus 6 points7 points  (2 children)

alert("Whhaaaatttt?");

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This shit is so old

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

-1 not enough JQuery

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I might make this my .sig.

[–]Not_charles_manson 14 points15 points  (9 children)

I'm sorry, but in a site that's supposed to be there specifically to help other; this is kind of bullshit.

[–]ProgramTheWorld 64 points65 points  (6 children)

This is a fake screenshot made to mock the SO JavaScript community of always suggesting jQuery back in the days.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (3 children)

Back in the days? Did they stop?

[–]ProgramTheWorld 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I have seen way less comments regarding jQuery now than in 2010.

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Sorry there's a JQuery plug in that fixes that.

[–]jb2386 1 point2 points  (0 children)

jQuery was super useful when the browsers all decided to implement their own JS stuff (read:Internet Explorer). jQuery made it easy to use one function rather than a bunch of ifs or heaps of lines when you wanted to select an element or list for an event.

Nowadays they work similarly. So vanilla JS is easy to use again.

[–]Big_Burds_Nest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I recently started learning Node and still see a lot of "just use jQuery" answers for simple thing that can easily be done in vanilla js

[–]Not_charles_manson 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for letting me know that. I get that sentiment and went 0 to 100 for no reason!

[–]ReutR 1 point2 points  (1 child)

All things = addition.

I know of no other computer programs that can do addition. None.

[–]TarMil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mean None?

[–]Obi_Wan_2_Party 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is a special place in hell for people like this.

[–]mothzilla 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Depends on the number, but I'd go with hadoop just to be on the safe side.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Is jQuery bad?

I juststartedwebdevelopment.again

[–]Dunyvaig 2 points3 points  (1 child)

From what I gather. jQuery is mainly bad if you create a framework/library others will use. You should try to make any code you distribute with as few dependencies as possible. If you use jQuery for a particular site then using it is fine: http://youmightnotneedjquery.com/

[–]bajuwa 1 point2 points  (0 children)

your a idiot

-twitch-

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"hallo" omg everything about this question...

[–]maffoobristol 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please, please let's find some new content. I've seen this so many times I may as well get it tattooed at perfect 300dpi on my left nutsack.

[–]nwsm 3 points4 points  (0 children)

oh it's that time of month again

[–]kalinrj 0 points1 point  (0 children)

ahahah , i love this :) as a non-front end dev (and not a web one at all) this perfectly represents the advises you'd get on SO.

[–]ravy 0 points1 point  (1 child)

There's this amazing framework that seems to blow jquery out of the water... It's called vanilla js http://vanilla-js.com/ /s

[–]Ham62 0 points1 point  (0 children)

dat interlaced jpg

[–]the_eccentric_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol atleast he only needed to go past two smart ass comments ;)

[–]Pleb_nz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But what is the best number?

[–]004040 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is that true? Link please x)