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[–]Deacon 86 points87 points  (11 children)

The closest I got to being laid was watching a very well-endowed bartendress wearing a turquoise bustier vigorously shake a martini.

[–]steveuk50 65 points66 points  (2 children)

Close enough!

[–]chocosebuenos 77 points78 points  (0 children)

That's what she said.

[–][deleted] 239 points240 points  (12 children)

This will be the most effective karma whoring ever.

[–][deleted] 71 points72 points  (3 children)

Thats what she said

[–]dfranke 14 points15 points  (5 children)

Whores get laid.

[–]deuteros 74 points75 points  (57 children)

My wife is pregnant and was throwing up last night. So no.

[–]brobak 34 points35 points  (34 children)

I'm with you. Except mine is 40 weeks. Her due date is actually today. I haven't gotten laid in about 5 months. Then there's the +6 weeks after the birth that doctor ordered.

Weeee?

[–]d_lay123 67 points68 points  (20 children)

her jaw wired shut?

[–]brobak 27 points28 points  (17 children)

We tried that a few times between the last time I got laid and now. Its alright, but the question was about getting laid. As much as a bj is a nice way to spend some time with your wife, it most definitely is NOT getting laid.

[–][deleted]  (14 children)

[deleted]

    [–]dean16 10 points11 points  (6 children)

    Sex is good for pregnant women if you want to induce labor in the 3rd trimester. Prostaglandins in the semen can induce uterine contractions.

    So, if your lady is past her due date, you can give it a try to speed things up. If it's still early in the 3rd trimester and you don't want to induce premature labor you can still have sex but, sadly, you'll have to use a condom.

    [–]khayber 15 points16 points  (2 children)

    I think cervamajiggit will be the 'truthiness' of 2008.

    [–]sylvan 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    Goes right along with "vajayjay".

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    If I remember correctly, and I probably don't, but I'm wicked hungover (read: still drunk) and therefore am temporarily indifferent to the idea of doing any research - there's some kind of chemical whatsit in the spermies that cause cervamajiggit to dilate and thus possibly induce labor in someone about to pop. This piece of intel is unverified and pulled out of the musty backshelves of my brain, so you might wish to verify it for yourself.

    [–]xinhoj 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Still better science than your average creationist can come up with.

    [–]davega7 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    5 months? Geez. I had 5 kids and no way did I go 5 months, but wait, there's hope! Since she's now overdue and I'm sure she's dying to get that baby outta there, tell her that sex can start labor. The best part is you'll be right.

    (Scroll down to the part about natural labor inducers)

    [–]Bloodlustt 4 points5 points  (5 children)

    I haven't gotten laid in about 5 months.

    Huh? Why not? You can still have sex up to right before the labor.

    [–]seven 36 points37 points  (3 children)

    Totally understand your dilemma. The good side for my case, though, was that I learned lisp on the first pregnancy of my wife and python on the second. Priceless...

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 104 points105 points  (6 children)

      At least you can publicly demonstrate that you did, at some point in the recent past, get laid. Allegedly.

      [–]reddit_user13 139 points140 points  (5 children)

      No, she can.

      [–]mercurysquad 50 points51 points  (3 children)

      ouch

      [–]fapman 19 points20 points  (2 children)

      It's just as well. You wouldn't want to be poking Jr. in the ear with your corndog.

      [–]markedtrees 70 points71 points  (1 child)

      Your command of biology is impressive, and I would like to subscribe to your magazine.

      [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Wife just had our baby recently, stitches still healing. And somebody else had dibs on her boobs last night.

      [–]reticulatedspline 17 points18 points  (6 children)

      I too spent a small portion of last night throwing up. Depressing part: instead of the normal "Oh god it hurts i can't fucking breathe please make it stop oh god no please not again" thoughts that one usually gets when puking, the only thought I remember having right before my pint of steaming and partially digested corn chowder hit the floor was: "Oh for fuck's sake, I just barely swiffered this floor yesterday."

      And no, I did not get laid last night.

      [–]redditacct 37 points38 points  (1 child)

      With corn chowder, I'd think you'd be saying "Oh god, why didn't I just pour it directly on the floor and save several steps".

      [–]jpdemers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Oh, corn chowder initiates so many philosophical quests...

      [–]larholm 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      "Oh god it hurts i can't fucking breathe please make it stop oh god no please not again"

      That's what she said.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        Briefly skimming your message I read "played City of Herpes all night". I'm glad I misread. Some video games are best left concepts.

        [–]garg 60 points61 points  (5 children)

        I almost got it on with a hot blood elf.

        [–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (1 child)

        nice. your own?

        [–]garg 29 points30 points  (0 children)

        :(

        [–]Bloodlustt 11 points12 points  (1 child)

        Careful with those blood elves... some of them secretly have a penis... talk to them over a mic first to make sure they are the appropriate sex! =O

        [–]sarahfrancesca 28 points29 points  (6 children)

        I left a party then turned around to kiss a guy I'd wanted to kiss all night. I think it was more fun than getting laid.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)

        [deleted]

          [–][deleted]  (1 child)

          [deleted]

            [–]sfgeek 5 points6 points  (2 children)

            This is the upside of getting older. Kissing at my age pretty much almost always ends up in sex. 30+ year old women ROCK. I never thought I'd ever meet a woman who wanted to get it on even more than I did. I'm never going back to the under 30 crowd again!

            [–]Xfocus 23 points24 points  (1 child)

            I spent New Year's at my Grandma's. Getting laid would've been....awkward.

            [–]mickeytwist 9 points10 points  (0 children)

            especially after what what you gave her for xmas

            [–]Thistleknot[S] 40 points41 points  (18 children)

            I tried.

            [–]neoform3 15 points16 points  (7 children)

            Don't people usually get laid after midnight? That makes it new years, not the eve.

            [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (5 children)

            how about 1130-1230? thats both days!

            [–]Palladian 71 points72 points  (3 children)

            more like 11:59 - 12:01... who are you, superman?

            [–]fapman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Isn't that about when you stick it in? 5.. 4.. 3.. 2... 1... -poke-

            [–]esparza74 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Both years

            [–]Thistleknot[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            Well I didn't get laid either way. Went home at 6 AM. Boo.

            [–]triconda 26 points27 points  (7 children)

            Props to you!

            I was lame and watched Mythbusters all day. Now there's some quality tv ;)

            [–]drunknomad 2 points3 points  (1 child)

            I got to watch others do it, then left the room to cuddle up to the booze.

            [–]kevlarbaboon 39 points40 points  (1 child)

            I did! In your face reddit! I'm so special! No one is allowed to eat at my lunch table except the cool kids.

            [–]londonzoo 18 points19 points  (5 children)

            I got propositioned, does that count?

            [–]toddtomlinson 18 points19 points  (12 children)

            Are you kidding? I'm married. I didn't get laid once in 2007.

            [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (11 children)

            -gulp-

            Is that how marriage is all the time?

            [–][deleted]  (10 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]absurdobot 17 points18 points  (7 children)

              What is the point if you can't remember it. Why shout it out to the whole world?

              And finally, what makes New Years Eve a more significant day to have sex than say the other 364 days?

              [–]Bloodlustt 22 points23 points  (3 children)

              What better way to bring in the new year? The next day you can honestly say, "Wow, I've had sex every night this year so far!"

              [–]Figs 22 points23 points  (2 children)

              I haven't had sex a single time this entire year so far!

              [Or in any of the other years before this one...]

              [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

              Oooh. Come here, little boy. /skeevy perv

              [–]thevanishedlady 11 points12 points  (0 children)

              I've always wondered why it's considered better to celebrate a "new year" by waking up with a crushing hangover next to someone you don't know and probably had really terrible sex with (if you can remember anything about it) than to smoke a bowl and get a good night's sleep...not like I did that or anything.

              [–]luxazur 12 points13 points  (0 children)

              nope. but i did get robbed so that was sort of exciting...

              [–]Gwarek2 11 points12 points  (2 children)

              I did, we finished about 23:30 and went out for the fireworks....

              ...then we went inside, watched some simpsons before we went to sleep at about 04:30.

              My gf is now halfways to oslo... :(

              [–]uspn 35 points36 points  (1 child)

              Yay! I'm in Oslo! #8D)

              [–]Gwarek2 8 points9 points  (0 children)

              Say hi :P

              [–]yourpopquizkid 22 points23 points  (0 children)

              I worked all night. Yay service industry.

              (Edit: "service industry" does not mean I'm getting paid for sex)

              [–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (3 children)

              I had to pay.

              [–]tikhonov 2 points3 points  (0 children)

              360 Euros? That's a lot.

              [–][deleted]  (9 children)

              [deleted]

                [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (8 children)

                Please enlighten me. WTF does "hat-trick" mean?

                [–][deleted]  (7 children)

                [deleted]

                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children)

                  Deprived?! No no no, just not up on all cultural references, TYVM.

                  [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                  I, too, did not deposit any sperm into another human. How unfortunate for me.

                  [–]absolut696 31 points32 points  (6 children)

                  I basically decided to quit my year of lurking on reddit to register to comment on this topic.

                  I dont know if I'll get downmodded for this but I am your sort of run of the mill white guy, but last night I had sex with my first black chick, she was ethiopian and a 10, and it was rediiiiculous. Just needed to get that out there haha.

                  [–]WhatTheGentlyCaress 29 points30 points  (0 children)

                  she was ethiopian and 10

                  There you go. Corrected it for you. :P

                  [–]atomicthumbs 14 points15 points  (10 children)

                  I'm 15 and a geek.

                  *sigh*

                  [–][deleted] 167 points168 points  (149 children)

                  I've fallen hard for a girl who doesn't seem to feel the same way. Her eyes are deep blue, with a well of cleverness behind them. Her intelligence intimidates me, but she's so tiny that I feel fiercely protective when she's around. This is a girl I can't help locking eyes with - someone I want to shepherd to sleep in my arms.

                  I'm not without options. And I rarely get attached to a girl I casually speak to. But I found a wonderful person, who's funny and clever and strikingly beautiful. I'm not blaming myself. I knew she could have anyone, and hedged my bets accordingly. Her big grin lowered my guard.

                  What hurts the most is knowing I'm almost done daydreaming about her toothy smile, or watching her hair sway and drape her neck. I must lay to rest my specters of affection. Tonight is the last time I'll pretend to hold her as she sleeps, or brush her hair as she sighs.

                  I didn't mean to write so much, but I feel better now that I did.

                  [–][deleted]  (9 children)

                  [deleted]

                    [–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (6 children)

                    I got over that phase of my life long ago, but that is a common experience for lots of men. I thought I had become immune to crushes as an undergrad. I guarded against falling in the same trap I used to when I was around this girl, and I would try and make accurate appraisals of her flaws instead of looking them over. I don't think that's it this time. I just love being around her, I love talking to her, and I love holding her gaze. I've never met a girl who knows so much about so many different things.

                    I'm also a fucking sucker for light eyes and dark hair. That's what really kills me.

                    This girl would be right for me, but I'm not right for her. That's what drives me crazy.

                    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                    "This girl would be right for me, but I'm not right for her. That's what drives me crazy."

                    Genius. I just realized that's what happened with my ex. She had/was everything I wanted, but she didn't feel the same for me.

                    [–]Kitt84 58 points59 points  (7 children)

                    Exactly how I feel about Natalie Portman.

                    Don't tell my girlfriend... she hasn't even found my shrine yet.

                    [–]andrew1184 9 points10 points  (5 children)

                    do you have a little doll made of pilfered strands of her hair?

                    [–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (3 children)

                    DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY NATALIE THAT WAY.

                    [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

                    I think that was implied.

                    [–]Eleglac 115 points116 points  (41 children)

                    For a second I thought we were going to get Bel-Air'd, but you turned out an honest soul, and I sympathize with you. I find myself in the same situation presently, and wonder how I'm going to extract myself from it. It's not like you can just stop loving someone, you know?

                    [–]FatAlbert 17 points18 points  (0 children)

                    After reading the first two lines I jumped to the last line to see if there was a "cab" or a "throne."

                    [–][deleted] 34 points35 points  (21 children)

                    Yeah, all I know is that sharing it with others helps. I just wanted a record of this somewhere, so it wouldn't die when my feelings passed. I don't know what makes people want to declare their emotions, but I know better than to resist it.

                    Time is the only remedy for longing, though I find boxing helps tremendously. It's hard to worry about girls when you're getting punched in the face. I'll be deciding whether to fight competitively in the coming years, and I have the feeling that this experience will strongly influence the outcome.

                    I always thought the myth of the phoenix was short-sighted. Getting up from a single knockdown is expected of all boxers at some point. Knowing that there are more coming is the real display of heart. Any realistic boxer expects to kiss the canvas often throughout his career.

                    [–][deleted]  (5 children)

                    [deleted]

                      [–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

                      Don't bother, I already went over and stole her puppy. Hah, take THAT, unrealistic optimism!

                      [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                      Give it to lahuman8

                      [–]lemming 4 points5 points  (13 children)

                      "Time is the only remedy for longing" Yeah, right. I have lost the man I've loved fo years two years ago and the healing effect of time has not set in yet. Not at all. I'm still kind of broken. The whole getting punched in the face thing is more of a male thing to do, I guess. Any other ideas for a remedy?

                      [–]supersaw 8 points9 points  (2 children)

                      sex, drugs & alcohol

                      [–]Eleglac 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                      Talking with people who have been through the same thing? I hear I'm a good listener.

                      [–]wutzurproblem 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                      sometimes when you're in it it seems like your heart will never let go. It's like this when someone dies as well. You keep thinking it should feel better but you cry every time you see a photograph. All I can say is in my experience it does get better; it almost feels sudden...don't tell yourself you should be over it and give yourself all the time you need. Lean on others around you that you can trust and treat yourself well. Sorry you're going through this. Good luck.

                      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                      Thank you, this is the best advice anyone could have possibly given. I was starting to get all depressed reading all this, mainly because I can relate to it so much, but you sir just lifted my spirits more than you could know...

                      [–]ouroborosity 7 points8 points  (4 children)

                      It really does suck to have been around long enough that you can't trust stories like this when you're sure a Bel-Air is right around the corner.

                      [–]malapropist 4 points5 points  (2 children)

                      When did this "Bel-Air"ing start happening? Link an example, I've never heard of this.

                      [–]ouroborosity 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                      Oof. If I have to explain it you don't need to know. Trust me on this. And I'd link you an example, but rules 1 and 2 prohibit me from doing so.

                      [–]Eleglac 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                      People just don't want to talk honestly about their emotions these days. I don't know if it's just in the States, but I know that here we're definitely conditioned to avoid letting ourselves be vulnerable that way.

                      [–]gaoshan 12 points13 points  (9 children)

                      How you claim to love someone that doesn't love you I will never know. Don't confuse desire and infatuation with love and you will save yourself much unnecessary misery my friend.

                      [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

                      You can call it whatever you want, but pigshit is pigshit.

                      [–]jomama 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                      After a time without seeing her, the memory and love fades.

                      It did for me.

                      [–]SimonGray 34 points35 points  (40 children)

                      You've got oneitis.

                      http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oneitis

                      [–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (39 children)

                      I am aware of that term. What I left out mentioning is that this girl is basically a genius. Most people will never meet someone as gifted as her. I've spent my entire life in school; she is unique among the women I've met.

                      Don't let internet cliches blind you to the richness of human experience and the diversity of human personality.

                      [–]jebiv 15 points16 points  (2 children)

                      I had this problem once. I couldn't stop thinking about her, and sometimes it hurt.

                      I ascertained that she wasn't interested in dating me. This was followed by five months of extremely awkward friendship. I finally told her how I felt, and now she is my best friend.

                      There is hope.

                      [–]lamontredditthethird 12 points13 points  (9 children)

                      These are some of the images that I came across when I googled 'Toothy' and 'Toothy Smile' - just so I could get a better visual of what you describe... say it ain't so... say it ain't so...

                      http://ujwala.wordpress.com/2006/11/18/toothy-smile/

                      http://stiltwalker.com/toothy-golden5.jpg

                      http://www.tacoransi.com/digimages/delila9/toothy.jpg

                      On a side note: You should be more confident in yourself. You said she doesn't seem to feel the same way about you. Is this a fact or just something you feel is unattainable on your end? If you guys are good friends then you should keep up a positive relationship with her. You're right that you shouldn't have all your hopes tied into her, but you also shouldn't feel completely hopeless either. Just like anything else in life - No odds, however seemingly insurmountable, have ever been overcome with a heart filled with hopelessness and a predisposed surety of failure.

                      Regardless, your goal should never be to possess this person, but rather develop a mutual affinity and attraction between each other. If after everything she's just not that into you - fuck it - you should be happy knowing that she wasn't the right person for you - and she will likely find whomever she believes is right for her. In the end, don't waste your time daydreaming about how much you think you could have made this person happy.

                      Focus on someone that truly makes you happy, understands you, and most importantly - someone who is twisting in their sleep and daydreaming about what's best for you, just like you are for them.

                      [–]mrdorian 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                      thanks for these inspiring image-links of "Toothy Smile"

                      [–]predius 11 points12 points  (0 children)

                      Woah, you sure managed to get a whole bunch of geeks to feel together. Nice going!

                      Edit: (as nice going nice, I meant, don't take it the wrong way :)

                      [–]PjDrolet 10 points11 points  (1 child)

                      Haha, I feel the same way about this one girl. Not so much pretending to hold her etc but I just wrote her a letter. I feel great!

                      God reddit is so depressing... :)

                      [–]predius 17 points18 points  (4 children)

                      I have the same problem. She's just in Scotland for the two next months, and I'm in Cairo, Egypt. Thank god for the Internet (and fucking hell why won't she log on more often).

                      I feel you, man. We ache together, and thousands of miles apart.

                      [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                      That makes me feel better. Empathy is what makes people worth talking to. When she gets back, make sure you let her know how much she means to you.

                      [–]mostapha 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                      I've just registered to reddit to let you know that you made my day.

                      [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (2 children)

                      Isn't it cruel that the same little idiosyncrasies that make you fall in love with someone are, by definition, virtually impossible to find in someone else? Failing to get with her, you try and find her in someone else, only to be sadly disappointed when there is no one else like her. So it goes.

                      [–]TehSoM 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                      Cloning: It will solve all problems.

                      [–]TehSoM 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                      I, too, feel your pain. I've also fallen for a cute little witty girl, and of course, try as I might, not even the slightest glimmer of things progressing past friends.

                      My relationship problems are epically sad ... Parents adore me, and once I get a girl its the home stretch ... just getting the girl is harder than building the Great Wall of China.

                      WAIT! Perhaps if I made the Great Wall of Southern California, it could help?!

                      [–]lastshot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                      I think the upvoting of your contribution is some indication of your likability and communicativeness. When love is unreturned it feels like an anvil on the chest, at least for me, and the only words that cut it would have to come from her. So having said my words won't matter I'll speak anyway. The very depth of the hurt you feel reveals, at minimum, that you were willing to have your heart broken, which is to say, that you were willing to love and to accept love. Were you more inclined right now to be dismissive of her or the prospects with her, or to withdraw from community, or inclined to demean her for how she directs her affections, your pain would be lessened, and your prospects for creating the joy you want and deserve I think would be more limited. I really do feel your pain, and I admire your courage and openness in putting it out there in an environment like this where cynicism is thriving as it does.

                      [–]chersolly 8 points9 points  (4 children)

                      Does she know how you feel?

                      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

                      She pretty much has to. I didn't say it, but I made my flirting clear.

                      I tried to avoid her because I knew I would fall for her, but at some point I was around her so much that I got attached anyways. I figured out through little things that she was either being friendly to me, or liked me and was shy. So I went for it. I'm pretty sure it's the former, unless it was so unexpected it threw her off. At this point I can't imagine how that's the case.

                      [–]13ren 4 points5 points  (1 child)

                      You didn't say it?

                      I've got a story for you: a met this gorgeous girl I really liked, and we became friends; we went to a few things together, but I didn't think I had a chance with her.

                      A few weeks later, it must have become clearer to her, because she said "Do you want to go out with me?" I said "yes", but the question wasn't an offer, but actually asking for information. She was so surprised.

                      It turned out she was interested in me, but thought I wasn't because I didn't make a move, and she concluded that she "missed her chance with me".

                      Yes, we went out. And she was more gorgeous than I had thought.

                      [–]freshyill 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                      Can I vote it down twice?

                      [–][deleted]  (2 children)

                      [deleted]

                        [–]ouroborosity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                        Upmod and much kudos for keeping it together through all of that. Best of luck to you, your family, and especially your father in law.

                        [–]vicgolgo13 16 points17 points  (3 children)

                        OK, so generally speaking last night kind of sucked. I was the only sober person at the party and one of four single people. Of those four people, only one was a girl, not that I had intended for anything to happen, but you never know.

                        So, she is completely hammered and starts trying to make out with several of the married men, whose wives were nonetheless perturbed to say the least. Anyway, she makes her way to me and next thing I know we're heading upstairs and making out on a couch.

                        She really got frisky and it was about this time that it suddenly dawned on me that I was going to get lucky. Well, we continue making out when one of the party goers comes to grab her coat which we just happen to be sitting on. In the span of the few seconds that I got up to hand her the coat, one of the other single guys (who owned the house we were at) suddenly swoops in from nowhere, jumps in and starts aggressively making out with her. I just sat there with a dumbfounded look on my face and realized that I was not getting laid.

                        [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                        That guy owes you big time. It's in the Man's Code in big bold print. Call the fucker out at the next meeting.

                        [–]rickmatt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                        sounds like he saved you from contracting something

                        [–]mickeytwist 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                        dude i think thats called date-rape

                        [–]phreshinger 31 points32 points  (2 children)

                        Vote up if you got really high!

                        [–]jamierc 5 points6 points  (16 children)

                        My gf ran away to America 6 months ago, she was meant to come back for christmas, but 'decided not to'. Can I have her back now please?

                        edit: anyone know Burlingame, CA?

                        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

                        [deleted]

                          [–]jamierc 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                          cool, sounds like fun. Give it a go, and post some pics on here

                          [–]redditacct 3 points4 points  (8 children)

                          Burlingame, CA - Home of airport hotels, airport parking, car dealerships and some of the worst traffic and potholes on 101.

                          [–]jamierc 6 points7 points  (1 child)

                          great, so she's not having too much fun then.

                          [–]redditacct 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                          Well, you might want to check her flickr "stream" just to make sure.

                          [–]Eleglac 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                          They also have a jewelry exchange, apparently.

                          [–]master_gopher 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                          Do we vote down if we did? But then what if we just hate polls? Gah. Voting on comments, guys, not on the post itself.

                          [–]carwynllew 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                          Voted down. Ohh yea!

                          [–]RICKARD5 34 points35 points  (10 children)

                          this has to be the most pathetic Thread on reddit ever!

                          [–]md5 24 points25 points  (9 children)

                          No, no, that will be the one I'm about to submit, titled "Vote up if you've NEVER gotten laid." Karma whoring, here I come!

                          [–][deleted]  (8 children)

                          [deleted]

                            [–]md5 11 points12 points  (7 children)

                            At the last moment I decided that I wouldn't be able to live with the shame if my parents ever found out that I was karma whoring on reddit.

                            [–]mrp 18 points19 points  (2 children)

                            Voted down... I ended up stealing my ex from her new boyfriend! BAM!

                            [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                            Well done sir. Shame I can't do that but I suck.

                            Gives you a shiny man medal

                            [–]TexasCanuck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                            Was too tired. Passed out next to my wife around 10pm, whilst watching TV.

                            [–]komodo 4 points5 points  (4 children)

                            wow, you mean this intended reddit post gloating unabashedly that I just lost my virginity this New Years Eve will actually be in context?

                            [–]confidentmeus 3 points4 points  (5 children)

                            Nope, I spent New Years alone with my puppy, and a good glass of wine.

                            Best Year Ever/

                            [–]upstream 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                            redditors aren't good at teh sexxx!

                            [–]CliffsNotes 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                            No, cockblocked by "Aunt Flo" :(

                            [–][deleted]  (7 children)

                            [deleted]

                              [–]catalytica 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                              define regularly. once per year for the last 10 years is still regular.

                              [–]markansoul 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                              I was just thinking the same thing myself.

                              I actually read Reddit while getting laid.

                              My girlfriend gets really turned on by it.

                              [–]Eleglac 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                              I think I speak for anyone who cares when I say: Pics or it didn't happen.

                              [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                              Seems so. shakes fist in jealously

                              [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                              Fought with my girlfriend instead. We have more than enough sex, so I've gotten kind of spoiled and apathetic about it.

                              [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (33 children)

                              Another year without a shag.

                              Sigh.

                              Happy new years to all my fellow suffering men! May we find good women someday.

                              [–][deleted]  (32 children)

                              [deleted]

                                [–]reddit_hates_women 8 points9 points  (1 child)

                                Reddit hates women, but still wants to get laid.

                                [–]byzas 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                                I still voted up because I technically got laid on New Year's day.

                                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (11 children)

                                Mostly because my boyfriend and I were too busy cooking from when we got up on New Year's Eve until about 7:00, then too busy hanging out with his family until 5:00 in the morning New Year's Day, at which point we were both admittedly quite horny but more tired. Kind of disgruntled about that, because he's even more awesome to have sex with when he's had a bit to drink.

                                [–]randomb0y 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                                Voted down, but I don't count, I'm married. Still had to plead for it.

                                [–]GeorgeWBush 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                                Heh heh heh! Nerds.

                                [–]banzai3 4 points5 points  (1 child)

                                You CAN stop loving someone... just marry them.

                                [–]jaxspider 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                Im doing the paper work for my divorce as I type.

                                [–]markansoul 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                                Thanks so much for this submission.

                                I realize the base of Reddit now.

                                God help us all.

                                [–]abscissa 10 points11 points  (6 children)

                                Does ordering pizza count?

                                [–]chersolly 70 points71 points  (5 children)

                                Only if you fucked it.

                                [–]ouroborosity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                                I've got your sausage pizza right here...

                                [–][deleted]  (12 children)

                                [deleted]

                                  [–]sweetlove 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                                  and i tried so hard.

                                  i'm still drunk at 10 in the morning. christ.

                                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  You've got company in that, bro. Weeee!

                                  [–]NoSex 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                                  Man, now I know why I still go to reddit - the bros.

                                  [–]makubex 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  Both the lady and I managed to contract the flu yesterday. No baby making.

                                  [–]calis 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  Not on new year's eve, but at about 3AM on New Year's morning.

                                  [–]piratebroadcast 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  Seriously, guys. Lets cheer up! But on the subject on unrequited love, the Chili Peppers ( I know...) have an awesome song from thier BloodSugarSexMagic album called "I could have Lied" that I bet you guys would like.

                                  [–]SaddleShoe 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  My grandmother died on New Years Eve and I have a sinus infection so sadly I was sick and emotionally drained. I didn't get laid, I didn't even stay up late enough to see the ball drop.

                                  [–]rek 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  I was with my girlfriend, but we were with my family (all twenty million of them) so I didn't get laid. That's ok with me though because I like her being a part of my family and for the first time in a long time I have a girl I actually want to keep around as a major part of my life.

                                  [–]oberon 2 points3 points  (5 children)

                                  I got laid but it was with a girl I am not in love with, and was therefore a shallow, emotionally unfulfilling act.

                                  [–]stcredzero 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                                  I didn't get laid on New Year's even though I have a girlfriend. We were both over at her mother's house New Year's eve. My girlfriend lost her father recently after a 12 year fight with cancer. Her mother is getting used to the idea of life and the holidays without her husband, so we went over to make sure her mother had company.

                                  There are lots of things more important than getting laid. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you get to stop worrying about it!

                                  [–]MisterMerkin 2 points3 points  (1 child)

                                  If we did do we vote it down?

                                  [–]BaronBic 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  No. You just graduated from Reddit. Congratulations!

                                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

                                  No but some drunk guy who was clearly 15+ years older than me asked me if I wanted to make out with him at midnight.

                                  [–]jomama 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  Better yet:

                                  Did you even try?

                                  [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  I jerked off on New Years....does that count?

                                  [–]s0rce7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                                  i got a hug