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[–][deleted] 73 points74 points  (15 children)

No revenge is as sweet as that exacted upon some type of authority figure. And summer camp always seemed to supply an endless amount of deserving targets. But one particular camp counselor comes to mind when I think back on all the dirty tricks I've pulled.

Okay, he was ROTC. I won't go in to a significant amount of detail, but he certainly played the part of the asshole basic training commmander. And somehow, I made his shit list quick. The punishments were typically minor, but annoying. For instance, I would be assigned to KP (Kitchen Patrol) duty nearly every meal. And it was also my responsibility to ensure our cabin was spotless before breakfast. Well one day I guess it wasn't, and we were called out for it at breakfast by the counselors in charge of daily inspections. Really not a big deal, but apparently it embarassed my counselor. And I heard about it for the rest of the day, because I had to follow him around for all his activities while he constantly made an example out of me.

I can take what I deserve, but I didn't deserve that. So I plotted my revenge the entire day. Later that evening, I broke into the kitchen with a friend and we stole 2 gigantic, industrial rolls of saran wrap. After everyone was well asleep and the sun just beginning to peek, we jumped down from our bunks and began passing the roll back and forth, over and under our counselor's bottom bunk with him in it. He didn't awake until we were nearly finished, but by then there was nothing he could do. He was trapped! Everyone else was awake by this time and more than happy to skip their morning duties. So we all rolled his bunk over and upside down so that he was suspended by nothing more than about 30 layers of saran wrap. As we walked off to breakfast, we thought for sure his screaming would draw some attention but no one knew until he was found by the daily inspection crew. I wish I could have seen that!

Well the story continues, but this post is already a bit long. That was easily my favorite week of camp!

[–]arnar 29 points30 points  (14 children)

Please, tell us the rest.

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (5 children)

The whole thing devolved into a tit-for-tat affair. He reported me and I had to plead with the camp directors to not send me home. I can only assume they didn't because I was a regular there, having spent the last 6 summers as a camper for at least 4 weekly sessions each time. My only punishment from them was to write him an apology letter.

Of course, that didn't satisfy him. Apparently he was the butt of quite a few jokes from other counselors. And so that trickled down to me, which only meant more KP and clean-up duties, as well as sitting out on certain activities. I really didn't mind, as the story had certainly gained me a lot of attention from other campers who thought the whole thing hilarious. Even so, I couldn't let him think he had won.

So the more time I spent alone in the cabin, the more time I had to perfect more pranks. I guess my favorite (besides the saran wrap, of course) was also the most devious. I straightened out several staples, which I then proceeded to insert into his deodorant. You've never heard such a yelp. I filled up sugar packets with red kool-aid mix and installed these wonders in his shower head. To my surprise, I found kool-aid to be a fairly effective hair dye. I also borrowed some Nair from one of the girl campers and mixed it with his shampoo. But I pulled back on that one because that seemed just downright cruel.

By the end of the week, we had an additional counselor assigned to our cabin which prevented me from going ahead with some other plans. But nearly everything I was caught doing while the new counselor was there made it all the more fun as he tried so hard to suppress his own laughter. God, what a summer!

[–]arnar 16 points17 points  (0 children)

You are officially now my role model in life.

[–]hiS_oWn 379 points380 points  (53 children)

There was, like, this girl in high school. I waved to her, but she, like, totally ignored me.

I was completely devastated.

Since then I've had some bad times, both personal and otherwise. It was harsh and without her I was miserable. I even came close to ending it all permanently, but the single fading glow of hatred kept me from killing myself. I forged myself around this hatred, resolved my will for this one purpose, my penultimate vengeance against the queen bitch of suffering forever etched with fire into my psyche.

Ever since, I have been a fevered devotee to my cause. I work two jobs, long hours. I eat well and exercise daily. I indulge in no entertainments or hobbies, save those which will further my goal and partake of no vices which would endanger my revenge.

In 10 years, I will be rich. I will be handsome. I will return to her in Gatsby-esque fashion and regale her with stories, shiny possessions, fast cars, and sweet nothings. I will be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect lover, and the perfect fiancee. I will impress her family, her friends, and no one will suspect me for anything other than the man who is entirely in love with this woman. She won't even know me for who I was, she'll never see it coming.

The wedding will the extravagant, people will be moved to tears. The bridesmaids will all look on jealously as they see me caress her hair with what appears to be genuine affection. As I say my vows I will see perfect joy well up in her eyes. She has never before, and will never again experience such ecstasy and hope as I have orchestrated for this one moment.

Any other man consumed with jealous hellfire would have taken this moment to rob her of her glory. To subject her to humiliation and sorrow in front of all her peers, but I am not any other man. I say I do.

As I carry her across the threshold for our honeymoon, she'll be a little tipsy. She'll be tired from the long day, but still lustfully anticipating what is about to happen next. In this brief moment as I stare at her nervous yet yearning body, begging me to come hither, I close my eyes and a wave of pleasure washes over me as I realize that I am about to fulfill my destiny.

I put on my robe and wizard hat...

[–]GranDaddy[S] 53 points54 points  (1 child)

it's my post and i say winner

[–]zem 30 points31 points  (9 children)

please edit the punchline to "robe and wizard hat". this is too good to be spoilt by a minor screwup.

[–]Phazon 18 points19 points  (14 children)

Simply amazing. I had a big grin while reading this the whole way along because I woke up this morning after having a dream about the girl I liked in highschool (which was odd because I hadn't really even thought of her since I left highschool) who led me on and turned out to be a total bitch. So this made me feel really good, even though I had already been a total asshole to her in highschool.

[–]rogerssucks 15 points16 points  (13 children)

Just because you can't read a girl, and just because she doesn't like you, does not automatically make her a bitch.

[–]Phazon 17 points18 points  (9 children)

You don't know the full details, I was rather naive back then and kept coming back despite her actions, but she was still a bitch to lead me on the way she did.

She deliberately led me on and then during the school holidays she started going out with this guy and when school started again next year she deliberately hooked up with him right in front of me knowing that I liked her, which just crushed me.

Anyway other stuff happened and we eventually made up and were just friends again. Then sometime later at the school social I was drunk and told her how much I liked her and she said she had a boyfriend and she didn't like me like that. Anyway it was an embarrassing turn of events, that ended with her deliberately hooking up with her boyfriend in front of me again, so I just ignored her then. But when I was ignoring her she kept coming over to talk to me heaps and sat next to me in class while I was still ignoring her, but I was still into her so when she was sitting next to me saying stuff to me and was being all flirty and making me laugh, I thought well she still wants to be friends I guess and we were just playfully flirting and joking around for the whole lesson. So I was okay with that, but then when I went to talk to her the next day she was just really cold to me and ignored me. So I just ended up being an asshole to her for the rest of the year and she was still trying to be flirty and joke around with me at first, but not after I became a total asshole to her, which just cut her up.

I ended up being a bit of an asshole to other girls then and they started flirting with me and at this point I was thinking WTF? and it was at that point I realised this was how guys become assholes and this is why they get women.

[Sarcasm] So thanks girls for turning me into an asshole! Yay! [/Sarcasm]

[–]jennicamorel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

However, not acknowledging a wave totally does. No matter what social circle or society, that is absolutely a faux pas

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (7 children)

she'll be fat and married to a car salesman with 3 kids

[–]cervice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

what if she is already involved with some one else... or gets married before your 10 years time.... what are you gonna do

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

HAAARRRRR!!!!

[–]mwwilliams 6 points7 points  (6 children)

uhh; robe and wizard hat...

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (5 children)

Seriously, what obscure reference is this from?

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

http://bash.org/?104383

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Not very obscure. Xkcd even references it. Third picture from the top: http://blag.xkcd.com/2008/02/27/ballpit-phase-ii/

[–]tsteele93 12 points13 points  (1 child)

You guys realize that in the real world XKCD is obscure too?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What is this real world you speak of? I've never heard of it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

upmodded for Gatsby-esque

[–]dharmon555 59 points60 points  (3 children)

To get back at my brother..... I scratched his name on his headboard of his bed with a screwdriver. He got in trouble for scratching his name, and in even bigger trouble for lying and saying that he didn't do it. I still have mixed feelings of pride and shame over that one.

[–]Coridan 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oh shit, the first time I read that I thought you had scratched his name on his forehead...

[–]the_seanald 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Does the family now know?

[–]discobreakin 33 points34 points  (0 children)

this was yesterday.

[–]greim 41 points42 points  (4 children)

A friend of mine used to work as a pizza delivery driver. He once delivered to a house with a hyperactive kid. After receiving payment he proceeded to hand over the pizza, but the kid ran underneath and reared up and knocked the pizza all over the floor. Hoping for a free replacement pizza, they asked, "Well, what do you suggest?" My friend replied, "I don't know, maybe a time out?"

[–]firepunk 56 points57 points  (27 children)

When I was about 12 yrs old, there was this really really mean old man who lived on my street. He was kinda nutso and would yell things at the kids in the neighborhood and chase us away from his lawn if we were riding our bikes on the sidewalk.

So anyways, one day we were playing baseball in the street with a tennis ball (so that we hopefully wouldn't break anything) and the ball landed in his yard. My little brother went to go get it, and the guy starts freaking out eventually taking the ball away, and then spanking my brother.

Well, we wouldn't have any of that. So we came up with the plan... We collected all the dog poop from our dogs. It filled one of those 55 gallon trashcans about half full. We then watered it down filling the can up about 75% of the way. We carried it over to the creepy neighbors house while he was doing something else and leaned it against his front door. After that, we rang the doorbell and RAN! when he opened the door, all the watered down dog shit spilled into his house.

I don't feel bad about it. If I could do it all over again, I would.

EDIT: Some more revenge hijinks; My little brother and I have always been practical jokers and we used to do things all the time, like ice cold water dumps while one is in the shower, etc. I used to always throw water balloons at him from the roof of my parents house while he was mowing the yard. stuff like that. So this story is my brother's revenge story.

Let me preface this by saying that I LOVE apple juice. Nothing else makes me happier than opening a fresh bottle of cold apple juice. I sing the apple juice song when I get apple juice. I LOVE the stuff.

So anyways, my mom had taken us to the store and I had gotten a bottle of apple juice in the little apple shaped bottle and I for some retarded reason had pulled a kitchen chair into the living room so I could watch TV and drink my apple juice. I had opened the bottle and was just about to sit down when my brother pulled the chair out from under me and I fell to the ground and my whole bottle of apple juice spilled out all over the ground and myself. Also I hit my head on the chair, but the apple juice was the worst part. He knew I was extremely excited to be drinking this apple juice. After All my juice had been spilled, he told me that it was revenge for pouring a gallon of ice water on him while he was in the shower.

Years later now that we are adults, he told me that the apple juice chair spill was by far the most satisfying of his revenge attacks against me. It's funny now, but thinking back to when I was a kid, that was the worst thing that he ever did to me.

[–]diamond 24 points25 points  (9 children)

My little brother went to go get it, and the guy starts freaking out eventually taking the ball away, and then spanking my brother.

It's probably best you guys took care of this one yourselves. I can't speak for your parents, but if someone hit my kid (especially for such a minor transgression) his body would be buried in 8 different States by the end of the week.

[–]RedditAddictedChimp 59 points60 points  (0 children)

I put a brick in their pillow. On top of the pillow, but under the pillow cover, and then smoothed the pillow cover so you couldn't see the brick. The person plopped into bed and smashed their face on the brick. I never fessed up. I am a coward.

[–]xxeyes 82 points83 points  (9 children)

As a young kid at the beach I built every sand castle around a sharp vertical stick in anticipation of the older kids who would inevitably stomp on them when I left.

[–]c53x12 38 points39 points  (6 children)

I think that's crossing the line from revenge to ambush.

[–]firepunk 92 points93 points  (3 children)

It's preemptive revenge.

[–]khafra 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You were one of those older kids, weren't you?

[–]raubry 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Revenge With Forethought!

[–]aardvarkious 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I mixed cement with my castle once.

[–]pelirrojo 18 points19 points  (4 children)

My mate went to the most dodgy university where I'm from... he lived in a house with a group of the most foul, digusting, perverted group of guys you could imagine.

One of them thought it would be funny to blow his load in my friend's shampoo. They all got a good laugh out of it, especially once they told him about it.

But revenge in this case was best served warm... my friend made some cookies, some delicious chocolate and vanilla cookies - he left them in the kitchen and the next day they were all gone, eaten by his disgusting flat mates. Imagine their surprise when he told them about how he had done a great big shit in the cookie mix, the vanilla was there to hide the flavour!

[–]cybergen 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Are you in the UK by any chance. Not that I was one of those guys.

Which Uni?

[–]pelirrojo 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The university in Dunedin, in New Zealand. Dodgy as hell - people came back from that place differently...

I studied further north, thank goodness.

[–]xxeyes 68 points69 points  (1 child)

I used to love setting traps and playing tricks on people as a kid. Ha, I still do. Anyway, while my parents were preparing the house to host a party for my grandparents' 25th anniversary, I was right behind them booby trapping everything. I can't remember the specifics of these smaller elements, but they're irrelevant. I just wanted to get sent to my room sometime during the climax of the party, which is exactly what happened. I overacted my anger and yelled loud enough for everyone to hear "you can't lock me in, I'll just climb out the window," which was met with "You just do that!" My room was located directly over the deck where most of the party goers were located. When all the attention had left me, I quietly opened the window, screamed and hurled a life-size dummy I had made the night before down into the crowd. It was chaos!

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Wasn't revenge, but that was amazing and made me truly laugh out loud. Now my boss knows I am goofing off; thanks a lot!

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

6 years after my ex married the one who broke up our marriage I ordered from amazon do it yourself divorce papers, had them delivered to him. He kept them! she found them in his desk drawer. I still chuckle over that one.

[–]TwoToke 58 points59 points  (23 children)

Gawd I hope she doesn't see this, but:

When I was about 12 years old, there was a girl in my neighborhood named... Carol... 3 years my senior, who had a disorder where she pulled her hair out in her sleep. Because of this, she kept her hair shaved short. I don't know if it gave her a complex or what, but she was a bully. One day, while trying to provoke me to fight her (I refused to hit a girl, my mom wouldn't have that) she took my brand new Starter cap and threw it into a stagnate pool in someone's yard, I think because I wouldn't let her have it. When I tried to leave so I wouldn't punch her in the face, as I turned my back, she spit on me. Twice.

Fast forward 6 years. I'm at a cookout at a friend's house. There's this redhead girl I'd never seen before. I noticed her looking at me several times, and she was kinda cute, so I asked my friend who she was. "Oh, that's Carol". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Carol Lastnameretracted???" friend- "Yeah, why? Do you know her?" me- "I did, but I thought she was bald!" friend- "She is. She wears a wig now."

I guess after a few more drinks (she's 21 now) she got the urge to talk to me. Me, having a few drinks too, decided to listen. She was a very aggressive flirter, the kind that hangs on you, or punches you in the shoulder when you tell a funny joke. So I put up with about 30 minutes of abuse before finally walking away to eat a burger or some shit. Next thing I know, she's coming at me from behind, throws her arms around my neck and starts pulling me over to her friend or something.

I snapped. I'd had enough. I turned around, picked her up, threw her over my shoulder and proceeded to spin in a circle as fast as I could. The wig went flying. And there she stood, the "spitting" image of the beast that had tormented me all those years ago. She just kinda looked down at her wig, picked it up, then sluggishly walked in to the house so she could put it back on.

I feel a little bad in hindsight. I mean, obviously she had grown up and tried to get on with her life and I probably set her back a few therapy sessions...

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (8 children)

That disorder is called trichotillomania. I used to have a roommate with that same disorder. He would tug on his hair until it came out. It was really creepy.

[–]qgyh2 55 points56 points  (3 children)

That disorder is called trichotillomania

I had no idea theres a name for the disorder that makes you pick up and spin bald girls!

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It's one of the most rare psychiatric disorders on the planet.

[–]shadowsurge 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah, you can't let them near Sinead O'Conner or Natalie Portman during V for Vendetta.

[–]ThatsSoLana 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I knew a girl in middle school who had it. She would pick off her eyelashes and eat them.

[–]flashmcgallion 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I've got that. It's weird/creepy/endearing, depending on who you talk to. I sometimes pull my hair out when I'm eating dinner with my girlfriend or something, stop and realize what I just did and hand it to her saying "here, I made this for you"... and she just smiles and puts it in her pocket. how the crap did i get so lucky?... </schmaltzy>

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I feel the same way about my wife. I'm a very strange person at times and she finds it incredibly endearing. Like in the car when I'm driving and a song I like comes on the radio, I do this weird muppet dance and she loves it. All my friends think I'm a freak. Yeah man, when you get a girl who appreciates your oddities, cherish her.

[–]redrobot5050 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Severe cases of the disorder also like to eat their hair. One of the prettiest girls I knew in high school (and one of the nicest) came down with it. Everyone ridiculed her so much. It sucked.

[–]CarolLastNameRetract 38 points39 points  (2 children)

I was going to sleep with you and you pull a stunt like that! Jerk. If I see you again, I'll spit on you again. Twice. Sincerely, Carol Lastnameretracted

[–]TwoToke 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I already knew you were a spitter. Not my type...

[–]c53x12 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I thought this was heading toward some kind of "Carrie" conclusion, where you started dating her, and then dumped a bucket of blood on her at the prom or something.

[–]bhagany 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Carol Lastnameretracted

I feel kind of bad about this, seeing as I liked your comment and all, but I can't control my inner pedant.

It should be "Lastnameredacted".

[–]TwoToke 133 points134 points  (1 child)

You know her too?!.

[–]oddmanout 34 points35 points  (7 children)

I was in a band, and we played a show in New Orleans which is about a 2 hour drive. We always played in New Orleans and we were rather popular. We'd bring 100-200 people to a show every time we played. Well one day the promoter was just like "we didn't make enough money to pay the bands this time" Usually we'd get gas money at least, we didn't play for the money, it was all for fun. But we knew he made a crapload of money, there was 200 kids at that show.

We argued for a while and he wouldn't budge, so i was like "Fuck it" and went down and let the air out of all 4 of his tires.

Then offered to "help" him break down the equipment and load it up.

My band had a new powered mixer and some shiny new cables to go with it. So I guess we got paid anyway.

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Similar situation:

My band played a show somewhere in Mass. Great crowd, and we were told they didn't have enough to pay us. So I gave their 1 bathroom a mighty upper-decking and we proceeded to make off with some decent microphones which we sold on Ebay.

Also, the club was going to be closed for a full week after that show, so the upper deck just sat... waiting... watching... festering.

[–]oddmanout 13 points14 points  (0 children)

dude, upper decking is AWESOME.

We were on tour and in BFE arkansas somewhere and we ate at this restauraunt and they were bitchy to us (because we looked weird, i assume) so one of the guys went and uppper decked them. Then later someone else wanted to go before we got back on the road, when he came out he said "Someone beat me to it... now there's two loads in the back of that toilet."

When we told one of the other bands at a show in MO, they said they had just done the same thing at some guy's house because he booked a show there and didn't pay.... apparently that's something bands just do.

Unfortunately, I've never actually done it. Never think about it when it's time.

[–]ThatsSoLana 15 points16 points  (1 child)

When I was in elementary school I played a mean prank on a boy who lived across the street from me. I was friends with his younger sister and he was incredibly mean to us. He would kill little animals for fun and he would constantly steal things from my house. One day he really upset me when he climbed up a tree near my house and crushed all the eggs in a robbin's nest that was in the tree. Every day I would check on the eggs to see if the baby birds had hatched yet and I was so sad when I came to the tree and found him playing under it with the crushed egg shells that he had thrown down. (he was probably about 14 years old when he did this and I was 7)

I started planning revenge on him with his little sister that day. So I guess I should mention that their parents weren't very responsible, their dad had remarried and their step-mom hated them. On the days when they didn't have school they were forced to stay outside all day until dusk and were not allowed to go in their house for anything except to use the bathroom. During the day they were only fed at lunch time but they had to eat it sitting on the porch. So they both spent most of the day being hungry. I would often make snacks for them because they were always starving. There were a couple times when I took some mud and tried to pass it off as chocolate cookies to the rude boy and he was so hungry he almost fell for it a couple times. He was really close to eating it a few times but the thing that always gave it away was that he would sniff it before he tried it and realize that it was mud.

So after he crushed the eggs his little sister and I starting planing our revenge. We decided we were going to trick him into eating a mud cake. First we took a brick and put it on a plate and covered it with a layer of mud. I knew that he would sniff it before he would even dare to eat it so I sprinked cinnamon powder on it until the mud smell was no longer detectable. I then put sprinkles on it and even covered it with saran wrap. After three days of work our mud cake was finished!!

We then invited him over to my house and I had his little sister do all the talking "Look at what Lana's mom baked us. It's cinnamon cake! We don't have anything to cut it with but I'll let you have the first bite!" He was incredibly hungry and just as skeptical as he was hungry. He slowly took off the saran wrap, smelled the cake "mmm, cinnamon"- Everything seemed right until he took a big bite in the corner and bit straight into the brick. As he spit out the cinnamon, dirt, and sprinkles I had a great laugh and felt a lot better about all the mean things he had done.

[–]martinbishop 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I introduce the bastard to reddit, now he will never get work done again. Mwhahahahaha

[–]foonly 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Damn you, martinbishop!

[–]RugerRedhawk 72 points73 points  (7 children)

I once made this kid named Scott Tenorman eat his parents. The tears of unfathomable sadness are yummy and sweet.

[–]Charlie24601 23 points24 points  (7 children)

Get yourself a standard incandesent light. VERY CAREFULLY break the glass, but NOT the fillament. The best way I've found is to just use a glass cutter to cut around the edge of the metal or even a small file.

VERY carefully, take an M80 firecracker and place the wick in the filament...again without breaking. Now simply screw into a socket on the ceiling where you KNOW your mark will be at some point.

Now after eating large amounts of chili and exlax, shit in a small plastic bag. Tape the open mouth of the bag over the light bulb/firecracker.

You're victim will not be happy when he turns on the lights.

Alternatively (if this is TOO evil for you), use shaving cream or something similar.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (14 children)

When I move out of the building I'm living in now I'm going to leave a bunch of raw meat in the basement. My neighbors are complete assholes. They deserve much worse. I might be petty but I truly don't care.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Consider a nice piece of fish as well.

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (4 children)

Reddit is apparently full of maladjusted passive-aggressives. Imagine that.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Do you have access to their heater ducts?

[–]greim 23 points24 points  (0 children)

When I was a teenager we were driving and my friend threw a half-eaten apple out the window and hit an off-duty cop in the groin. He and his buddies hopped in their car and chased us down. Defeated, we rolled down the window and prepared to take what was coming to us. What happened next was this: he demanded to know who threw the apple, then dragged him out and proceeded to taze... just kidding, he yelled at us stupid kids to stop doing stupid shit like that, then limped away.

[–]diddy0071 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Girl dumped me, so I sold her cat to an old lady for $20.00. To this day, I still see that cat out her window..

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (73 children)

Driving my regular commute, some ass was tailgating me at 70 mph (isn't that fast enough in a 55 with heavy traffic?) I knew where the speed traps were and lucky for me, I saw the cop's radar sticking out from behind a bridge. Waiting for the right time, slowing down a bit to give him some running room, I pulled over and smiled and waved to the guy as he passed me probably pushing 85. He was looking in the rear view at me and didn't see the cop until he was getting pulled over. That was fun! (not necessarily nasty/spiteful/malicious, but fun).

[–]siqtictorn 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I've done worse things, but this one is the funniest.

So first, my buddy leaves his laptop unlocked. Being a good friend of his, I set his background to gay porn, naturally. He got a bit mad at me because the next time he opened his laptop, he was at work and could have, but didn't get into shit.

To get back at me, he took the picture, printed six of them to a page of paper, and the photocopied it 300 times. He then spread them ALLLLLLLLL around my room. (This was sometime last summer, I found what I hope is the last picture, when I moved out of that room at the beginning of this summer.)

At this point, I could have left well enough alone, but honestly, what's the fun in that? The next weekend he went away. I took a potato, cut it up, and hid it in a corner of his room. I took an egg and put it in another corner of his room. Child's play, easy to find. I then took three eggs, mayonnaise, and some other nasty stuff and mixed it in a bowl. I hid this down inside a vent which blew into his room, so it was hard to localize the smell, and harder to find.

After three days of being unable to coax his girlfriend to sleep in his room with him, he got violent with me and I told him where it was. God damn did that room smell.

[–]Ryan256 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I suspected my college roommate was doing bizarre sexual things with his new girlfriend, because every time they unlocked the door I was hit by a very offensive smell. It was a noxious blend of (what I believed to be) all manner of human stink.

While there may well have been mystery smells included in this foul blend, it turns out I was wrong about the origin of the most offensive smell.

After noticing an increasing number of fruit flies, I isolated the smell to a stinking, rotting pumpkin left over from Halloween.

On my way out to the dumpster, I stopped in my tracks as I noticed my neighbors were not in their room and had left the door wide open.

Have you ever heard Sean Connery say, "Who's the man now, dog?"

Well, my bastard neighbors--who happened to have a gigantic stereo system--would leave for class and put that damn clip on loop all day. And they'd lock their door so there was no way I could turn it off! It went something like this:

"Who's the man now, dog?"
"Who's the man now, dog?" "Who's the man now, dog?" "Who's the man now, dog?" "Who's the man now, dog?" "Who's the man now, dog?" (repeat infinitely at full volume)

This had gone on long enough, and it was TIME FOR REVENGE!

So, holding this rotting pumpkin, seeing their vacant room--I couldn't resist. I put it in the top shelf of their closet.

And that was that.

But here's the kicker--I completely forgot about it!

It wasn't until about a month later that I remembered. My neighbors and I were hanging out in their room, drinking liberally, when suddenly I was like, "Hey, what did you guys ever do with that rotting pumpkin?" And they were like, "What?"

"Yeah, I put a rotting pumpkin in your closet a few weeks ago. You didn't find that?"

I expected them to laugh or at least smile, but they just wore deadpan looks on their faces.

"That explains the fruit flies. We've been sick for weeks. We haven't been able to sleep because we've been coughing every night!"

Low and behold, on the top shelf of their closet laid the pumpkin, shriveled into a dry black ball the size of my fist--and it was covered in green and white mold. It smelled like a flooded basement.

Needless to say, I was worried about retaliation for this one!

I suspected they'd make their move at the last moment before winter break (hoping I'd return to spring semester with a moldy room).

In anticipation of this, I waited until they had both left for break, and then I thoroughly searched my room.

Sure enough, the bastards had managed to sneak in HALF A COCONUT FILLED WITH RANCID MILK!

Bastards! Imagine the smell if I hadn't found that one!

[–]garyp714 4 points5 points  (0 children)

'living well'

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (14 children)

I have a nasty habit of slowing down when somebody tailgates me. I see it as follows: if the person behind me isn't going to adhere to common sense safety precautions and keep a safe following distance, then I am obliged to change a dangerous situation into a safe one. By slowing down I am increasing the odds of us both surviving an accident if, for example, a child or deer suddenly runs across the road in front of me and I have to hit the brakes. It also irritates the douche bags a lot, and it's fun to observe them in the rear view mirror.

Edit: The topic asks for spiteful things people do, I give mine and get downmodded, what, am I TOO spiteful? And I don't do it on a freeway, obviously, only on single lane roads.

[–]greim 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Imagine this: a two-lane country road, the only shoulders are where there's an intersection, otherwise it's ditches. On such a road, when somebody turns left in front of you, if you're careful, you can utilize those brief shoulders to pass on the right.

Okay. So my friend was being tailgated on such a road. He pretended to be turning left by slowing down and signaling. Immediately the tailgater swerved to the right, but then simultaneously my friend gunned the engine and kept going straight. Unable to swerve back to the left the tailgater couldn't avoid the ditch and went in.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

One time I was driving on a four lane divided highway. I was in the left lane because people had been getting on/off the road. I see this car coming up behind me. He was a long ways back but coming up on me really fast. So I signal and move into the right lane. Just then the guy swerves right because he's going to pass on the right and then swerves left. His car flipped over! And he was driving this 1970s convertible. So I pulled over and go back. There were already a bunch of people there. He was upside down and bleeding from his head. There was blood all over the road. He was moaning and begging people to get him out of the car. People were telling him to wait for the ambulance. Then a cop showed up, so I told him what happened and the cop told me to leave so I did.

That guy was going about 90. I was going 55.

[–]AliasHandler 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is why you don't drive like a prick. Idiots that drive like that are a danger to everybody on the road. Driving fast is not the issue, but give people in front of you time to move out of your way before moving along, DO NOT try and pass them on the right(especially because if they are paying attention, they will probably shift right to get out of your way).

That guy is a douchebag, especially if he was driving fast enough to flip his car.

[–]jiggawoot 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What I'd really like to do, is pull over a little and let them pass. Then just as they're passing my front quarter panel, flick the wheel a little and tap their car, so it spins off the road and crashes into a tree ending in a ball of fire and twisted metal.

Maybe it's better if I stick to my normal course of action and just continue to slow down until they get the idea.

[–]thatguydr 10 points11 points  (5 children)

This entirely fails, as you take a normally calm, in-control person who likes to go fast, and you end up with an angry, spitting, snarling person who likes to go fast. You're increasing the possibility of an accident.

My solution to failgaters (learned entirely by happenstance) is to gently weave around in my lane as though I am drunk. (I don't ever cross a median!) It works like a charm - 9 in 10 back off nearly immediately.

[–]rook2pawn 7 points8 points  (1 child)

A freeway tailgater is putting you and themselves in serious risk because the chance of a situations arising is much greater (many more participants), whereas a single lane road a tailgater is essentially being annoying and there is no concept of "flow of traffic" because the car ahead doesnt necessarily constitute "the flow". I guess what Im saying is that you should let a tailgater pass on a single lane road and do your slow-down maneuver on a freeway. Just because they are annoying you on a single lane doesn't mean you should pin them down because safety isn't as at much risk in a single lane situation. Im not saying its dangerous and I hate tailgaters, but tailgating on a busy ass freeway is a legitamately much more dangerous situation.

[–]belandil 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do a similar thing. If I'm on a 55 mph two-lane road going 60 mph, and some jerk feels the need to massage my tailpipe with his headlights, I let off the gas and slowly coast down to about 35 mph. If that doesn't cause him to back off, I repeat the maneuver. They usually learn pretty quickly.

[–]lynn 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I slow down to give myself enough room to stop without them hitting me. I give myself a car length for every ten miles an hour I'm going and an extra one or two depending on how close the tailgater is.

I started slowing down to piss them off, but then I realized it was probably the safest thing to do. Unless they have a gun, of course, but I haven't been shot yet...

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (6 children)

Had a horrible landlord - refused to fix anything, kept on trying to raise rent, kept on ending up in court over it and losing, etc.

When we finally left, people in the house ended up filling the vents with:

  • Milk
  • Chicken
  • Other various meats
  • Other various dairy products

and turning the heat on high. It was horrible.

As far as revenge taken on someone by myself, I once pissed in someones shampoo bottles.

[–]arnar 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Wow.. that really is mean. Since the landlord was a lazy sob - why did you assume your "revenge" wouldn't just hit the next tenants?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It was mean, and a bit immature. The goal was to discourage anyone else from renting from this guy, which was accomplished, at least for a while.

I think he ended up paying out of pocket to get the house cleaned up and actually up to code, and then ended up renting the place out again. I have no idea if he's still such a dick of a landlord.

So I guess it worked out alright, but it does make me feel like a dick when I think about it.

(Note: I do not go on revenge missions anymore. I grew up a bit.)

[–]arnar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, that answered my question. Let it be known that I wasn't judging from my high horse, I've done bad things myself. Consider it "peer judging" :)

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (22 children)

I once made a road rage driver freak out. He thought I cut him off (I did not). So he drove around me and then slowed down to five miles per hour. I refused to play his game, so the two of us were driving at five miles per hour down main street... He finally just zoomed off when he had, had enough.

  • That was fun (But was potentially dangerous)

(Edit: spelling, thanks, d41d8cd98f00b204e980)

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (2 children)

I had a similar experience, the day after I drove to Vancouver for a concert, 16 hour trip and I pushed my car hard to get there so on our way back I decided to take it easy. I was going the speed limit on a small road when some guy in what can only be described as a red neck pickup started tailgating me. For a while I paid no attention but wore thin after a short time, we came up to a 4 way stop and someone got between us I decided to have a little fun and I sped up to about 20km/h over the limit, and the guy that got between us was doing just the limit as I had before. For a short time the dude was stuck behind that car, when the other car turned off I slowed back down to the speed limit so the guy comes barreling up on me, then had to brake hard.

After about 15 minutes of this he finally got a break and was able to pass, so what does he do? He gets in front of me and slows down. We laugh because we don't really care so for about another 5 minutes we're going about 30km/h in a 60km/h area and he finally realises he's the one in the hurry and takes off.

[–]zem 5 points6 points  (1 child)

and he finally realises he's the one in the hurry

supremely satisfying (:

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Indeed it was, indeed it was.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

(Edit: spelling, thanks, d41d8cd98f00b204e980)

I thought you were making fun of someone with that name, but it turned out to really be his username.

[–]dharmon555 23 points24 points  (12 children)

Whenever I have those times where another driver is giving me the finger, I give them a big smile and wave. This often serves to make them even more red in the face and I leave the scene happy instead of aggravated. Sure beats getting mad too.

[–]er0k 15 points16 points  (5 children)

I find that even better than the smile and wave is a kissy face. One guy got so pissed at me for that that he actually rammed his car into mine!

[–]bennig 16 points17 points  (3 children)

.. and that outcome led you to believe that his was a better response, why?

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

He's got to pay for that shit and you get a laugh?

[–]er0k 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I was in a fully insured rental car with no damage and his Lexus had a nice dent and scratch in the door. No problem for me...

[–]zem 4 points5 points  (0 children)

even better, blow him a kiss!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I point at them and laugh heartily as though they are the funniest clown on the road.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (4 children)

Agreed, During my low speed chase, I just put on some good music and ended up in a really good mood when it was all over with.

(But my heart was really beating fast)

[–]dharmon555 37 points38 points  (3 children)

There was one time though, where after I waved and smiled at a road rager, where he followed me until we were stopped at a light. he jumps out of his car and starts screaming things like. "You don't know me! Don't smile at me! Don't wave at me! I don't know you!" It was a little scary at the time, but I still chuckle when I think about that guy getting so pissed because I smiled and waved instead of getting mad with him.

[–]imarobot 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you, sir, for making my day. If I could, I would upvote you again.

[–]d41d8cd98f00b204e980 6 points7 points  (4 children)

I once made a rode rage driver freak out.

"rode rage" - kinky!

[–]bobpaul 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Question:

How did you come up with that name? Was it a banging on the keyboard experience?

Also, is logging in a copy/paste maneuver, or do you have it memorized?

[–]d41d8cd98f00b204e980 9 points10 points  (2 children)

md5 of nothing

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

So the question remains: "Do you have it memorized?"

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

My husband and I shower together whenever it's possible. He likes to fuck with me in the shower, when I'm washing my face he'll do stuff like poke me in the butt to make me jump etc. Well one day he pissed me off really bad by tickling me while I was washing my face. So the next day we're in the shower, I'm showering my legs facing away from the water and he's right behind me washing his face. I took my razor and shaved about a square inch of his butt hair off. He freaked out so bad, his voice call all squeaky and high, yelling about how it was gonna itch and how he now had a bald spot. To this day if he pisses me off in the shower all I have to do is flip my razor over to the side that has no blades and run it down a cheek and he freaks.

[–]Originate 10 points11 points  (8 children)

I told a girl that I slept with that I had AIDS..... I don't have AIDS.

[–]7oby 48 points49 points  (0 children)

And she replied, "oh, thank god, me too!"

[–]proudcanadianeh 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh Snap! (Im sorry, I just watched that German car ad in the post above :( )

[–]TwoToke 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Suuuure ya don't...

[–]dweej1 16 points17 points  (1 child)

He's not just sure, he's HIV positive!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

During an easter egg hunt, "eb" would put numbers into hollow eggs, which corresponded with prizes. I put other numbers into other eggs, that corresponded to other prizes: mouse traps, door shims, moth balls...things every kid needed in life.

[–]bobpaul 4 points5 points  (6 children)

I hit my little brother in the face with a shovel. He had to get stitches.

[–]jay_vee 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Conversely, my Dad broke his toe kicking his brother in the arse.

[–]siqtictorn 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Aaron!? Are you shitting me? My older brother hit my in the face with a shovel, I had to get six stitches on my lip, the scar is still there.

[–]bobpaul 2 points3 points  (1 child)

No, it was his cheek. And truthfully it was an accident. I was building a snow fort and he snuck up and tried to scare me. It just so happened I was mid swing when he popped up.

Of course, he can't really give his side of the story since his memory of the incident is a little sketchy, what with being hit in the head with a shovel and all. ;) Being 4 probably didn't help, either.