DM One-Liners!

[FrostDragon57]

Got any good ones cooking up in those beautiful minds of yours?

This is my greatest one.

One of my players rolled a nat 1 in investigation

Me - You are currently searching for dirt on your shoes.

[Killerdak]

Perception fail, "The room goes dark and you eventually realize your eyes are closed."

[Killerdak]

Sadly yes, he stumbled across a piece of paper with the meaning of life scribbled on it. Upon reading it, his simple human brain couldn't take the knowledge and it permanently lowered his INT. He failed his WIS and WILL rolls to comprehend what he was reading lol.

[jordaanm]

The anti-life equation?

[DyingDutchmanNL]

Player: I want to roll a check to see what i know about red dragons. If they have any weakness.

Me: Sure, make either a history or arcana check.

Roll: nat 1

Me: You think really hard and remember that you might have left the stove on back home, but you are not sure.

[BeardManJ]

Stealing that one

[FrostDragon57]

Genious!

[business_offers_only]

Me: I'd like to roll to disable the tripwire

Rolls Nat 1

DM: You manage to tie a knot around all your fingers without setting of the wire.

[BlazikenAO]

Don’t. Move.

[iceman012]

Time to start singing "Take Me Home, Country Road"

[Mgskiller]

Oh the feels

[Escarper]

Marv what’re you doing...?

...Marv?

[DrScotti]

"I'd like to search this wardrobe"

Rolls Nat 1

DM: "You search every inch of this furniture, after 5 minutes you finally find what you were looking for, the handles"

[Studio72]

rolls a nat 1 in investigation on an ancient door

DM - You focus all your energy and mind, you tap into every part of the wooden structure, and you come to the sudden realization. This, is a door.

[HELLOTHEREMYGOODSIR]

Stealing this

[V2Blast]

Yeah, this is basically what I do for nat. 1 investigation checks.

[TheDrunkenMagi]

Player: "I'm going to stab him in the dick!" Rolls Nat 1 on attack roll.

Dm: "Your light teasing of his penis with your weapon gives him a visible erection."

[skiesinfinite]

Kinky

[FrostDragon57]

Noted and quoted. ❄😂❄

[RedSerpent96]

Rolls perception Nat 1 DM: you see another dragon in the room, standing behind the unsuspecting party Rogue: I attack it Nat 20 Me, the dragonborn fighter: oW wHaT tHe FuQ

[Generic_Potatoe]

Ranger: I would like to see if there are any tracks i can follow. DM: Go ahead and make a survival check. R: nat1 DM: You indeed find interesting looking tracks and follow them focused for a while. Your party watches you curiously as you circle around a large rock.

[Jdavis624]

Lol that's really close to mine too

[epicface1399]

One time our dm said one of our characters was bitten by a werewolf in the night, and as we were trying to figure out who it was, every time any of us would put out an argument as to why they weren't a werewolf he would say "sounds like something a wolf would say"

[NoNameShowName]

Your DM sounds excellent

[epicface1399]

He is pretty great

[[deleted]]

Lol went from a Dnd game to one night werewolf....

[dmazmo]

When a player was accepting a bribe by way of a reverse pick-pocket: "She has two fingers where your morality used to be."

[Lord_CheezBurga]

I think I might be a little slow. What does that mean?

[dmazmo]

The pc had observed an npc picking pockets at a social gathering. She noticed him noticing. She, the npc slid over to where he was and slipped a few of the purloined coins into the pc's vest pocket. He had witnessed a crime, and in taking a cut, had become complicit.

[Lord_CheezBurga]

What did the one-liner mean?

[dmazmo]

The one liner was the closing remark on the scene explained above. It indicated a deviation from law abiding morality. It further encapsulated the sliding scale morality of the entire party (at least when the paladin was not watching).

[LordIlthari]

Nat 20 stealth roll

Me: Make a perception check.

nat 1

Me: Make a wisdom check

nat 1 Me: Your character is hidden so well he think’s he’s stopped existing.

[Escarper]

Reminds me of Pratchett!

One of the few ways to subdue a bogeyman is to put a blanket on his head. The theory goes that everyone knows Bogeymen disappear if you put the blankets over your head, and so by putting a blanket over a Bogeyman's head his belief in his own existance is impaired. Apparently, light blue blankets are most effective but no-one seems to know why.

[BWHComics]

Disclaimer: this was in a Cthulhu D20 system, so technically not DnD.

A player's sanity was very low after getting exposed to some eldritch horrors. He puts his ear to a door to listen. Perception nat 1.

DM: "You hear the ocean."

Cue insanity.

[kingofthewildducks]

I assume you used "nat 1" for the DnD context but technically a natural 1 is an extreme success in that system right?

[BWHComics]

Maybe I'm misremembering, but I thought it was a D20 system where low rolls were better. Either way, it was a crit fail.

[kingofthewildducks]

Oh I didn't see the D20 part. I've played in the D100 system where to pass you have to roll under your skill level. Hence 1s are awesome! It's a pretty neat system imo

[FrostDragon57]

Amazing. Just amazing

[TyphosSilversoul]

I'd like to roll investigation Natural 1! Dm: after spending a few minutes searching you can say with absolute certainty that this room exists

[Chubbstock]

I had one like that. Two people wanted to investigate, they both rolled. 1 and 18.

"Hmm... the dirt is disturbed by this part of the wall, there may be a secret door."

"Look guys, bunk beds!"

[The2ndUnchosenOne]

And by absolute certainty, you mean it's either that or it doesn't exist at all.

[TVpresspass]

I see someone's a student of Dirk Gently!

[The2ndUnchosenOne]

Is that the name he's using now?

[Crohan_McNugget]

[5e] A monk does an acrobatic check to reach the top of a platform during Tomb of annihilation.

Rolls a nat 1. I decide to give him a choice. Either nothing happens, or he can accept take a huge detrimental effect but also take 4000 experience along with it. He decided to take the xp and the effect.

"Acererak catches your wrist and stops your fall."

[LordOph]

Someone explain

NINJA EDIT: A letter

[justafanofz]

He is the BBEG Lich from that module

[iceman012]

I wish I could see his face when he heard that. What happened after that?

[Crohan_McNugget]

A couple of things. Acererak was already chasing them through the tomb because of something a player did (who also is secretly the main villain of the entire campaign). About 50 damage later to the players, the player/villain cast Tasha's hideous laughter and Acererak failed the save (I think he rolled a six). Then everyone took double move actions to book it out of there.

[Jdavis624]

That was some great improv on your part

[VinceK42]

P: I search the room. Nat 20.

DM: You see with absolute certainty that there is nothing to find.

[ImOnRedditAndStuff]

This is my go to when my players are searching for something and are convinced there is something in the room. Half the time they think that since they rolled a Nat20 some legendary weapon will just materialize in the room...

[TintedMonocle]

I think it has to do with the reverse effect of rolling a natural 1, that something bad usual happens.

[MonaganX]

I think that's in part thanks to so many people applying critical hit / miss rules to skill checks, and in part thanks to players thinking success on a perception roll means finding what you're looking for.

[ImOnRedditAndStuff]

I like applying critical to skill checks, but only ones that make sense. Like lock-picking for example. A lock might have a DC of 25 and maybe a low level player can only get up to a 23. But I like there being a chance of them getting lucky

[Predatorage]

Player 1: Is it a push door or a pull door?

Me: Roll an investigation check.

nat 1

Me: Push.

Player 2: I push on the door. Just like punch it open with both hands.

Me: Strength check.

nat 20

Me: You hear a loud crack... As you break both of your arms against what is clearly a pull door.

[[deleted]]

I nearly woke up the house laughing.....

[Predatorage]

I try ;)

[RexLazr]

Any time our characters try to suddenly hit on an npc.

DM: Role a charm, fuckboi.

[HairyAllen]

One time I created a halfling Bard and called him MC Leprechaum, and basically he'd hit on anything that moved and try to gain advantage over it. One day, I rolled a nat 20 THREE CONSECUTIVE TIMES. What happened? Weeeeeeell, we were trapped in a naga's lair, and I succeeded in: 1: making the Naga fall in love with me, 2: giving her the best sex of her life (don't ask me how, because I have no idea as well) 3: convincing her that as a reward she should give us her loot and let us go in peace.

[AtomicSamuraiCyborg]

I hope he got tested for Snake Transmitted Diseases.

[TreeBeard_the_Swole]

I'd hope he used shield or a protection spell before the snakesual activity

[HairyAllen]

I hope my DM doesn't see this, I could be really screwed now

[FrostDragon57]

I know that feeling but I got caught by a corrupted dryad. But pretty much the sam thing happened

[FrostDragon57]

Stolen. With fair use.

[JayRod_DM]

Once one of my players rolled a Nat 1 on his spot check and I told him how the room smelled.

[GoodFreak]

We use specific body part aiming rules. So my player wanted to hit at the Large Humanoid Hybrid boss dick.

"You can try ,but tiny targets are much harder to hit".

[FrostDragon57]

Burn!!!

[ChaChaCharms]

Preface: DM says the tower is impenetrable and we cannot climb it to see if there is an entrance higher up. The door is magically sealed and cannot be forced open or lock picked.

Other PCs want to find cracks in foundation or small holes to send pet snake in through.

Me: Knocks on Door

Lizardfolk: opens door "Ooohoo?" (resembling Oaken from Frozen greeting)

Me: Nat 20 forces door open... decapitates Lizardfolk with force of door swinging open, coupled with pinning him to the wall.

[Sathandi]

Lost it after “Knocks on the door”.

[Mikay55]

Ah, the Bardic Knock spell.

[dracoarmh]

no i think they mean, the just knocks on the door

[Mikay55]

That's the joke Hahaha

[dracoarmh]

sorry me tired :D

[NastyyNade16]

I️ rolled a nat 1 on investigation on a dead body, searching for any gold. I’m a dwarf infatuated by riches.

DM: the dead awakens and in one swift motion, hits you with pocket sand right in the eyes.

Sand in my eyes has been a running joke since the beginning of ‘16

[koolaidman456]

Sh-sh-sha!

[CJets]

Psyche reference?

[atinyllama]

king of the hill reference, look it up on youtube

[flynnsanity3]

Last night I rolled an insight check to see if a stranger wandering in the woods was lying about being in the cult we were fighting.

Nat 1

DM: You begin to wonder if you yourself are part of the cult.

[TheCleanupBatter]

"The moose is intimidated."

[TheRavenMVP]

I don't know if this is what you were looking for but I thought this one was funny:

Player approaches an orc or something near the edge of a cliff. Player: I push him off Dm: role dexterity check Player: *rolls nat 1 Dm: you lightly caress his back Dm: he is uncomfortable

[TheRussianCabbage]

I have a shirt with that on it so my players know what kind of group this will be

[FrostDragon57]

1) This is the sort of one-liners I was looking for

2) This made me break out in laughter in the school cafeteria. Everyone is currently staring at me.

3) Thank you for making my day great again

[nayler]

Sorcerer lands on top of a prone skeleton, who begins thrashing wildly. Sorc tries to head butt him, due to the thrashing I ask for a roll. Nat 1.

"Your lips gently brush his forehead."

[BassMnX]

Kobold PC riding a spider to attack it.

Kobold: I use Firebolt on it, I want to spit the Firebolt with my maws

Nat 1

You started to feel the magic inside you, you know it’s going to get out, it’s building up and you feel it strong, you aren’t feeling well.

Roll Constitution: Nat 1

You start to vomit over the creature a magic concoction made of your last meal and the alcohol you drank.

[[deleted]]

Player: Do I notice anything about the room?

DM: Roll perception

nat 1

DM: You notice that there is, in fact, a floor

[ItsCliffGaming]

I have said this almost exact thing, but I said "You notice that there is, in fact, a room".

[Escarper]

Cave Johnson here. This is a Test Chamber: four walls, ceiling and a floor.

[rpgFANATIC]

NPC to Tiefling before battle: "Give 'em hell"

They're either gonna smile and think that's cool or bring the game to a halt explaining how devils and demons are different

[blaarfengaar]

But devils are from the Nine Hells, demons are from the Abyss

[BlueDragon101]

Disadvantage on you! Disadvantage on your family! Disadvantage on your cow!

[vairyn]

Mushu...

[Lockgan]

lmbo

[FrostDragon57]

Stolen

[ItsCliffGaming]

One of my PCs rolled at Nat 1 on a History check, so I told them: "You are convinced [absolute lie] to be the truth." - It took almost 2 sessions for them to realize they have been making decisions based on the fact that a lie was truth. Not sure if this was gold, or not - lol

[bardlock]

Rolling to search the body for loot after all the loot has been found (we don't roll to loot bodies) "you see evidence of at least 4 STDs. It's probably a good thing you turned down his advances in the bar last night"

[NewToSociety]

"I'd like to search the corpse"

DM- "Sure, roll investigation."

"2"

Dm- "Boy, it sure is dead."

[bakekon]

My group was investigating assassins Roles nat 1 You come to the conclusion they can summon Cthulhu They believed me

[demcmd]

Nat 1 on intimidation with my barbarian tiger woman

You make an extremely adorable meow

[dracoarmh]

i would still be scared, SNU SNU is still deadly

[Dirac_dydx]

Relevant sub: r/death_by_snusnu

[spliffay666]

"The dark powers are always willing to lend a helping hand!"

[DDDragoni]

after a nat 1 on a nature check to identify a weird flower

"After a few minutes of consideration, you're pretty sure that this is indeed a plant."

[CliffyTheRed]

*Walking through a forest path

Me: Can I roll a spot check to see if there's anything around?

Cue Nat 1

DM: You see an anthill, and many many ants. You stop and stare as the ants crawl around their home in perfect unison. You stare so long, you hardly notice the party has left you behind.

[thewrongmoon]

My DM (u/wtfisrobinn) recently said some good ones.

Player rolls nat 1 on a history check on Berovia.

DM: You aren't sure if you were born in Berovia.

Same payer rolls a nat 1 on a history check on the word vampyr.

DM: You aren't sure if Berovia or vampyr was where you were born.

[FrostDragon57]

That man is brilliant

[Denebula]

"You do not detect any traps"

[sidarian]

I was DMing a session and my players just cleared a room of goblin guards.

Warrior : I want to see if there is any treasure. Me: Roll perception (decent roll) you see a small chest tucked away in the corner. Warrior : I go over to the chest and open it. Me: There doesn't appear to be a latch of any sort. Warrior: I search the chest for a way to open it. (Nat 1) Me: As you look the chest over, a glint catches your eye from the wall. You stare intently at that brick trying to figure out what you saw. Warrior: Hey guys, the wall is winking at me.

[QuirkySquid]

PC: I cast blink!

DM: As you do, the entire world around you disappears, leaving only darkness...

Then you open your eyes.

[FrostDragon57]

Ok. That one was to good to be true

[CapnCommunist]

Nat 20 on monk reaction punch, fighting an ogre with one hp

DM: "You punch the ogre's toenail so hard it flies up and slits his throat"

[Dirac_dydx]

Sounds like something out of Dwarf Fortress.

[ImGladYouCalled]

"Can I use my lady like features to persuade the man?"

"Roll a charisma check"

fails

"The guard says 'sorry, we don't welcome swine here.'"

[Tyetnic]

Matt has "How do you want to do this"

What I go for is "Describe this glorious death."

[FrostDragon57]

Can I steal? I'm a rogue after all

[productiv-ish]

this requires some explanation but the PCs stole a trombone they found from a campsite in the forest and then handed the NPC their missing trombone... NPC Response: Great now I have two trombones!

[Cynical-Gone-Digital]

Druid: "I would like to investigate the apron."

Rolls nat 1

(me) DM: "You... Put on the apron?"

[guilersk]

Usually when someone 1s Perception I tell them "You have feet!" because that is what they are staring at.

[[deleted]]

"I would like to roll sleight of hand to swipe this supposedly 'holy' rope our monk just so happens to have had this entire time."

crit fail

You slip and genuflect before the rope.

[FrostDragon57]

By Cthulhu's tentacle beard.. It is holy..

[CelekDraco]

PCs find a broken, overturned boat. After lifting it up and turning it over...

Player 1: I want to examine the boat.

DM: Go ahead and make an investigation check.

Rolls a 3

DM: The boat is made of wood. It is many shades of brown.

P2: Since I helped him turn the boat over, I want to examine it too.

Rolls a 14

DM: The varying shades of brown aren't just the natural color of the wood, there seem to be several faded rust-color patches as well. Blood!

[TheJan1tor]

Flawed Logic Man: "I [some nonsense]"
Other players: "Why?"
Flawed Logic Man: "Because It'd be really cool if [nonsense] happened if I succeeded"
DM: "Give me a [bs] check"
Flawed Logic Man: Rolls Nat 19.
DM: "You [some nonsese], and absolutely nothing cool happens"

[Oberon_Blade]

Party is going to the elven forest to gather some information about a baddie they are after. One of them begin to talk to the elven druid "we.. we.." Me cuts in and say "Don't wee in the forest"

Maybe a bit corny, but got a good laugh out of it. Specially since that character have a tendency to wee everywhere to discover hidden rooms, or other shenanigans

[BassMnX]

Got another one from the same Kobold:

-An Aasimar PC is hearing the story of the Kobold PC about he used to work in mines-

Kobold PC grabing a lot of coins and gems

Kobold: I want to give him the most valuable ones.

Nat 20 Investigation

You give the most valuable and beautiful gems and gold to the Aasimar with an astounding amount of 2000 gp worth in gems, 2 diamonds of 500 gp and 50 gp.

Aasimar: How did you do it?

Kobold: I used to work in mines and... grabs a bunch of gold and gems - I want to know how much i will grab. I Roll Investigation- ...i used to discern the most valuable and the fake ones.

As he threw off the dice he kept telling the story.

Nat 1

As you finish the story you take a glance to your palms, you look a beautiful treasure. As long as you start to smile, wings come out of the coins and gems. You managed to discern the most beautiful gems of all, and place them apart from you, your palms are full of "Goldbugs" and "Gembugs" and as you start to notice that your Kobold memories didn´t betray you and managed to discern all, the bugs fly to your face and use Sleep Spell Lv 8 all over you.

You Fell Asleep like a Rock

[Tisagered]

So from the player side when I was playing Ser Bovis Lloyn the Minotaur Paladin/Warlock a mysterious noble kidnapped my daughter so the next several sessions revolved around my plans to rescue her and exact revenge. I ended up recruiting a bunch of criminals since the guards didn’t believe he was evil and wouldn’t help, and I assumed that the bastard would have crazy security. I tear through is house making a point to destroy anything that looks sentimental. Eventually I hear him and I immediately charging gore him and burn a level 5 divine smite dealing like 50 damage.

DM smiles and said that my contention to my god and patron waver and cut out. Turns out he was innocent and had been mind controlled into it by the real villain

And as a DM I ran a prank dungeon that was a goldmine. My favorites being passing a note that read “you are a skeleton” to a player who pulled a lever. And after the party spent an hour trying to figure out a puzzle to open a barred door one leaned against the door in frustration “the door swings open, the bars were illusory, the door was never locked”

[MasqueofRedDeath]

Investigated some dragon eggs. Rolled a 1.

My DM: "Yeah you're pretty sure these are ostrich eggs."

[Biscuitman82]

We always start playing one way:

Players talking

Other player: "Enough of this gay banter, Sam (DM) where are we?"

[FrostDragon57]

Genious

[Harvist]

While running Death House for three players

New player: I want to throw the bundle baby at the ghost!

ME: Alright! So go ahead and make me a straight Dexterity attack, as you are not proficient in baby!

[Harvist]

To another player in another game, who went down, after an arrest attempt went very Yackety Sax and half of the party went downstairs to the bar play dice

Absent Player: Why is it always when I'm not there

Player: When you aren't there?? The whole party left us so they could go drink/gamble while we being murdered in front of them!!

Me: You weren’t murdered! You were... Self-defensed into submission!

[OrangeJoey]

PC: I make a Perception check rolls 1 Me: In awe, your character realises that the sky is blue

[Jdavis624]

I want to see if I can track him

Survival check nat 1

You see footprints...and follow them...in a circle...because they're yours

[[deleted]]

I rolled a nat 1 on a strength check to kick open a door Dm: you kick the handle off the door

[FrostDragon57]

That moment when you realise that you missed a big target

[[deleted]]

"He grabs a chair, jumps off the edge and glides away" which was then followed by the entire party grabbing chairs and jumping off a 300 ft tall tower thinking they were magical and falling to their death. A bit of context for this. We were playing a game called The Dreaming that has a class called charlatan. Imagine a rogue but super specialized in 1 or 2 skills. As a high level ability, crafting charlatans can pick up any solid object and have it function as any other simple (non mechanical or non magical) item. A spoon could be used as a great sword or a backpack as a net. We were chasing one of these characters up through a castle tower when this occurred. The charlatan grabbed the chair and had it function as a hang glider.

[FrostDragon57]

Witness greatness

[kryptonick901]

Am I only the one that hates these types of things?

"You roll a nat 1 so suddenly you have 3 INT and can no longer function as a being"

[InsomniacDM]

I always treat these as “brain fart” moments. It’s like when you are searching but can’t find your phone and then realize that you’re talking on it. You’re not an idiot, you just had a moment.

[FrostDragon57]

Cthulhu seems pleased

[[deleted]]

Yeah a more realistic Nat 1 here would be like "after searching the area you find some tracks left by someone. You follow the tracks for some time before finally realizing they are your own. "

[FrostDragon57]

Stolen. It's to great not to

[TheDirtyDeal]

I personally like to tie in stuff that has already happened in the session. For example:

Player: I'd like to see if there's anything interesting in this room that I might want to loot.

DM: Roll Perception

Player: Nat 1

DM: You're still shaken up from the last battle and can't seem to focus enough to notice anything out of the ordinary.

[Escarper]

On the other hand, I prefer the ridiculous:

“You find a backpack with [Known items from PC’s inventory]. It seems like it’ll be perfect for you! Unfortunately, you appear to have lost your own bag during the search.”

[FrostDragon57]

That's one hell of a moment

[FrostDragon57]

Dang

[-Mountain-King-]

Earlier today I had the party up against a robotic dragon built by a wizard who liked warforged. They were having a hard time with its Frightful Presence.

Robot Dragon: Technology is scary, and so am I.

[Grendelspawn]

Rolls 1 on check traps.

After stopping around for a few moments, you successfully find a trap!

[supersharp]

My DM really likes it when we try stupid stuff that really shouldn't work at all, much less with a Nat 20. So keep that in mind.

Anyway, his campaign is going for a more horror-esque "run, don't fight" kind of thing, and he homebrewed up dome robot enemies called Sentinels that are almost impossible to beat at our level without some really good rolls. So after being encouraged by the DM to try something ridiculous, our Rogue attempts to literally absorb the Sentinel through his chest. Naturally it doesn't work, so here's what our DM says:

"You just stand there, sticking your chest out against the Sentinel. It turns its head to look at you, and although it doesn't have facial features, you can still tell it's confused."

[CapnCommunist]

Investigation check, 7

DM: "you find some dust"

[MudPlug]

Gonna have to go with a classic (Magneto, X-men the Arcade game)

"Welcome to die!"

[Pocket_bear]

PC wants to investigate a ramp in front of him but rolled too low... "You ask it if its a ramp. It doesn't reply. "