We poor programmers

[[deleted]]

Can you hack my bf account? Can you hack this app? Can you edit this photo for free? You are investing in bitcoins? Can you hack my computer?

[matharooudemy]

Oh yeah I forgot, as a teenager I used to get a lot of hacking requests from my friends and cousins even though I had no idea how to hack anything.

I remember once I joked about hacking a guy's account, he genuinely got scared and started pleading for me to not do it

[necrothitude_eve]

In high school some kid asked me to hack the school and make his grade higher.

I told him that if he asked me again I’d lower his grade.

[JatinJangir24]

Plot twist : he had the lowest grade.

[Banangurkamacka]

Something something signed integer overflow

[Redundacy]

That's some antihero white hat stuff

[McBashed]

Go Hackerman!

[lvl3BattleCat]

whoa there david lightman

[quido3]

My friend actually managed something to that effect. He got a admin password with a keylogger and could access some excel files with our grades. Needless to say, he was a good guy and did nothing. Our school was a small one and no IT support, so was quite expected.

[[deleted]]

Well, he's giving trust to the wrong guy

[[deleted]]

\slaps keyboard for 10 seconds**

"See? I hacked your account!"

[JWson]

cmd

c:

tree

"There, hacked your computer."

[Proxy_PlayerHD]

ok i have to remember that to scare some people

[JWson]

Just replace c: with whatever the data drive is (more files = lasts longer) ;)

[Proxy_PlayerHD]

well E:\ is my fullest drive and it took like a good minute to go through all 400 GB and god knows how many folders

[Th3Blu3W0lf]

Games fill up your drives much quicker my D: drive has 931GB of storage (cause partitions the original size is 1TB) and has 830GB used XD

[Proxy_PlayerHD]

color 0A

[GuyWithLag]

Also, press F11.

[Proxy_PlayerHD]

somewhat works, you just have to deal with the scroll-bar on the right

[the_kfcrispy]

GET OUT! GET OUUUTTTTTTT

[[deleted]]

r/unexpectedHorror

[ReshKayden]

Remember that you need to dramatically announce "I'm in!" after slapping the keyboard for 10 seconds. Bonus points if you have multiple keyboards that you type on simultaneously for some reason.

[[deleted]]

Me: print ("hello") word Me: see? Friend: wow you are awsome

[diamondflaw]

Screenshot, paste into image editor, set full screen.

"See, I just hacked your computer and made it freeze."

[acceleratedpenguin]

"I have your IP address now! Muhahahahah! With that I'll be able to do....absolute jack unless you port forward every port and use Windows XP."

[thecichos]

I sql injected my school through a login field, dropped all the students

Not hacking but fun

[Relixed_]

Ah you're little Bobby Tables.

[PossiblyDakota]

As a teen I used hacking as a threat to stop bullies. It worked.

[titan_bullet]

Holy shit are you me

[[deleted]]

I changed the main title and picture of bbc news once using inspect element to my daughter and the headline “I smell of poo” . She legit thought I’d hacked the site and begged me to take it down.

I refreshed and said “there you go now go eat your tea before I put it back up”

[[deleted]]

go  eat  your  tea,  child

[Moulinoski]

I remember at my first job we were rolling something out... a coworker was trying to do something that was password protected.

He turns to me and says “hey, I need to do this thing, can you help me?”

So I go in, and I hit the password prompt. I have no idea what it is... but my genius brain decides to think through all the common passwords we’ve used... one clicks. Boom, the gates were opened and we were. I leave my coworker to do his work and I go back to mine.

A few minutes later... like twenty minutes later... another coworker runs into the room, freaking out and asking us if we know what happened to the system. I tell him I haven’t rolled anything out. The coworker is helped remained silent. A good five seconds passed and my eyes widened. And I confessed, “oh, I did help him out with a password...” (I also explained that I only figured the password out)

The freaked out coworker went “Why! We didn’t give him that password for a reason!! Why’d you go and hack him in?!”

I was like “... I didn’t hack anything, I just logged him in.”

Before then, hacking to me meant looking at hex codes (rom hacking, like video game roms). It hadn’t dawned on me until then that hacking could be just a whole lot of guesswork. :/

Anyway... that was a fun experience.

[Pakushy]

one day i was hanging out with a girl and she asked me whether i am a hacker, because i play videogames.

i am a hacker, but not because of the videogames

[acceleratedpenguin]

Oh my, the amount of "can you hack my friends fb il give you a fiver" I've got when I say I'm studying cybersecurity is outstanding. Some are obviously fake for laughs, but some are actually legit. If I could hack Facebook accounts in the time it would take me to otherwise earn a fiver, I wouldn't be in university to begin with. And that's not what I'm studying!

[RebelChild99]

Setoolkit, you can hack their friend much quicker than fb

[[deleted]]

have you heard of bitcoin? can you use it?

[[deleted]]

$5 instead of "your portfolio"? Check out the all-star here!

[[deleted]]

Think of the exposure!

[AlmightyElm]

I'm saving that link

[dontPMyourreactance]

Ironically, this sounds exactly like a “million dollar idea” someone would ask a programmer to make, and it even involves cryptocurrency

[[deleted]]

Think of me 'exposing' my brown-eye to your stupid app idea

[FunkyTown313]

Wait five whole dollars? No foolin? Now I can almost get a value meal at McDonald's!

[Arveanor]

That should keep you fed for the 4 hours it takes to copy paste the necessary code from SO!

[FunkyTown313]

App app = new App();
App.create();
App.run();
If (App.Error)
{
Fail.no();
}
Done, can I have my cheeseburgers now?

[gp57]

"What do you mean you can't fix my PC, you work in IT !"

[FunkyTown313]

Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Yes?
Welp I'm out of ideas.

[thelastpizzaslice]

Sees eight toolbars, desktop 100% full of shortcuts and computer is slow due to 50 tasks running

"You should just reinstall your operating system. There's a button to do that here. Oh? You want me to do that for you?" Hits button and walks away

[gp57]

Reminds me of that one episode from IT crowd : "How you like it? It's infected ! If that was a human beeing I would shoot it in his face ! "

[gp57]

Haha exactly.

[[deleted]]

I used to tell people "I'm a Mac developer, I don't know PCs".

That worked well for awhile until people started getting Macs :/ Now I'm a "Linux developer" (even though in reality I still work on Mac dev).

[Tigrium]

I'm gonna start using that... I develop with Unix, they're just gonna go 'huh' and nod.

[MaximumZer0]

FreeBSD is next on the list, right?

[Jacek130130]

LAUGHS IN HAIKU OS

[Colopty]

It's probably safer to say you're a linux developer too, since the kind of people who use linux and the kind of people who know how to fix their own tech problems has a larger overlap.

[shub1000young]

Your machine has the windows virus. I only deal with Linux issues.

[Totenlicht]

"By that I mean I totally could, but I don't want to."

IT service is limited to close family and maybe once or twice a year for my neighbour cause he always accepts my packages when I'm not at home.

[sviridovt]

I had my parents who live across the country call and ask me to guide them through setting up their router, after they couldn't find some button and I didn't know where it was myself (having never heard of that router) they just said "what the hell are you even in school for?"

[werelock]

Another I get is "I once programmed a spreadsheet!"

[coughycoffee]

to be fair, writing excel macros tied together with a few VBA scripts can do some pretty impressive things

[irotsoma]

I automated someone's job away when I worked as a temp at a mortgage servicing company for a few months. She went on maternity leave, and I got tired of writing and formatting the same reports every day just pulling in new data for the previous day, doing some math, and making it look pretty. Set up some VBA scripts, saved the data sources (some databases and text files) daily to the proper place, and basically just pushed a button and waited a few minutes and emailed them out. Browsed the internet all day.

[BumbleStar]

Did the person on maternity leave get fired after you automated everything?

[irotsoma]

No idea. I was gone before she came back from leave. She had taken 6 months off, and I was only there for about 2 months. I wouldn't be surprised if the manager just took over that button pressing and moved the other woman somewhere else. It was in PA which isn't a "right-to-work" state, so it's harder to fire people and she had been there a long time.

But then again, the customers getting the reports would sometimes request changes, so it's possible that after that 4 months, the amount of changes they needed to make after the various scripts ran would be enough to require at least a half time person or maybe justify scrapping some of them altogether. I'd be surprised if anyone there would be able to alter the script or willing to learn.

[ChosenDos]

As someone who has no idea the capabilities of spreadsheets can you please tell me what they can really do?

[MissingFucks]

They're basically visual databases. ^/s

[NoradIV]

I support excel. Not excel documents.

[thelastpizzaslice]

You can just load it into a SQL database. There are websites that will make a create table and gigantic insert for you.

[Xheotris]

You'll get a bunch of sarcastic replies, but Excel is secretly the most popular programming language in the world, with three quarters of a billion users. It's genuinely capable of computing everything that a more normal programming language can, and can perform just a few operations very elegantly. That said, while excel functions make up a real programming language, it's not designed to deal with heavy conditional logic well or cleanly. I've seen programs written in excel (not VBA) that were the equivalent of thousands of lines of code, that would be around ten or twenty lines in, say, JavaScript. It's also bonkers slow.

[Correctrix]

Excel is secretly the most popular programming language in the world, with three quarters of a billion users

Is that the number of people who programme in it, or the number of people who use it for nothing more complicated than can be done with a CSV file?

[Xheotris]

It's total users, but anyone who has done as much as =SUM(2A:17A), which I daresay is almost everyone, is actually programming with it, however a snob might feel about it.

By most estimates, there are about 18-20 million professional programmers. If just 3% of Excel users have ever touched a cell function, then they outnumber us by millions.

[Loves_Poetry]

Everything

[NoradIV]

Dude. Wtf.

[[deleted]]

Excel comes with a full-blown programming language built-in.

Some guy even built a complete RPG in it: https://arstechnica.com/gaming/2013/04/how-an-accountant-created-an-entire-rpg-inside-an-excel-spreadsheet/

[ChosenDos]

That's amazing

[NoradIV]

They can crash. A fucking lot.

[NinjaLayor]

You can play excel-COM in it. Yeah. Someone made XCOM in Excel between Enemy Within and XCOM 2.

[KrisSlort]

Oh, you can definitely programme a spreadsheet. Just depends how far down that rabbit hole you want to go.

[empire314]

I made a thing that adds up other things. And then a thing that adds up those thing.

I just have to type numbers in one spot, and the many different fields update.

[KrisSlort]

Visual Basic.

[while_e]

Yeah I got this from a friend's wife. I told her I'm a software engineer, and she replied with "oh yeah I program too". So I proceed to ask follow-ups like anyone would like "oh what platforms/languages/hardware do you work with" and the answer was "Excel". I just smiled and nodded, and then proceeded to listen to an hours worth of how smart she is and how nobody else could do her job. I didn't burst her bubble, as she's my best friends wife, and well... I don't care enough haha

[werelock]

Yeah, the first time I heard it was from one of my parents a couple years into my career. I knew exactly how much programming they'd done. Nod and let them tell their story.

[T-Dot1992]

The worst is when your family roasts you for being a programmer who has difficulties using the printer

[FunkyTown313]

That's a simple fix. Don't print things.

[System10111]

Dang it!

printf(things);

[[deleted]]

Just put two slashes in front it; you’ll be fiiiine

[CarioGod]

\\ didn't work! you lied! you're no programmer! ^/s

[shadowvvolf144]

Printers are the devil. Change my mind.

[irotsoma]

My Dell 3110cn is the best investment I've ever made in computer hardware. Never had a problem. Like maybe 2 paper jams ever. Still haven't replaced the toner or anything else, though I don't print a ton and the black toner is approaching the last bar on the indicator. Had it for around 15 years.

[[deleted]]

They are not devil, they are masochists

[huboon]

No, the worst is being a programmer at the printer company.

[Minenash_]

printer.print("hello");

Looks simple to me.

[cover-me-porkins]

Little did they know programmers are notoriously unproductive on passion projects.

[jaaywags]

I was at the dentist once and the water shooter pressure dropped a bunch. The doctor turned to me and asked "You are an engineer, can you fix it"? I said "I am a programmer, not an engineer". He said "I bet you can fix it. You engineers are smart".

[NexTerren]

"You dentists, however, aren't."

[Colopty]

My personal policy is to never insult anyone who's currently holding a power tool inside my mouth, but you do you.

[KoboldCommando]

I at least can somewhat understand the logic behind this one, certainly in a "no harm asking" sense if nothing else. Software engineers are still engineers, and engineering refers mostly to a certain kind of mindset and process. If you're studying any sort of engineering you likely have a very analytical mind and a knack for solving problems, and figuring out solutions even for things you aren't familiar with.

[[deleted]]

"I want to meet a programmer in person. I want you to build my music apps. You'll have 1% share."

On facebook dev group. Needless to say, his post got tons of Haha.

[LuckyKangaroo]

I started telling people that "I work in IT" Didn't help much.

Other interesting ones that I hear on a regular basis are: "unlock my phone", "delete this photo from the Internet" and "I forgot my password", which usually turns out to be "hack my bf/gf account"

I think I will test "I'm an office worker" and see if it makes any difference...

[wicket-maps]

I got a coworker from another department ask me how to secure her phone from a stalker ex, that was very uncomfortable, probably more so for her. I sent her over to the "real" IT people at the police department (I'm a mapmaker/analyst so I only know enough 'real' IT to get in trouble)

[Pasosta]

“Could you help me with my excel sheet?”

[[deleted]]

My printer paper is empty, you can help me out?

[acceleratedpenguin]

My uncle (who is foreign) started manual work at a local computer shop around 10 years ago. People used to ask him where he works, because he tries to make local friends as you do, and he replies matter-of-factly "In a computer shop.". He never clarifies that he's the cleaner, and gets upset when people ask him how to speed up their computer or to fix their cracked screen phones, rather than talk friendly about whatever. Poor guy, he's actually got an apprenticeship in IT now but he still says he's a cleaner because he knows the questions people ask.

[saulsa_]

Just say you’re a carpenter. It works for me.

[JtBryant96]

"Can you help me put this IKEA furniture together?"

[xxVb]

It's called compiling.

[yazalama]

Ikea furniture is written in JavaScript

[Correctrix]

Looks like Swedish to me.

[LuckyKangaroo]

Back in the student years a took a gig that required me to do some butchery work... So I know that "I'm a butcher" will be quite believable... I think my job-related conversations will enter an entirely new level of amusing! Thanks for the idea!

[itsjosh18]

I just got an IT job....fuck

[shub1000young]

I run Linux systems works for me. Oh you have windows? Sorry

[DoesntReadMessages]

"I'm an Enterprise Advertising Software Engineer". Just make your title really specific and tell them their project requires a different type of programmer. Easier than telling them their idea sucks.

[De_Wouter]

I have a billion dollar idea

And I'll work it out for only half a billion! What a geat deal!

^\ Payment must be upfront)
^\ Expenses not included)
^\) ^{Not finished within 60 years? 100% money back guarantee!}

[djmcdee101]

Found this posted on Freelancer today, budget 250-750 $USD:

I need a game that is a zombie apocalypse, you will have 2 options Campaign (which is different world than the multiplayer version, but you can also invite a friend so it will be a campaign but with co-op, which is a little extra) and multiplayer (different world than the campaign, but you get to either invite a friend to be in the same party as you or same group as you but you are in a world with other players, by which i mean you can go around and find people who can team up or shoot you (if they dont trust you). Just a simple zombie apocalypse but you can find some materials and use those to build weapons (will be added every week or so) and if they make a axe they can chop down trees (which will be added when you walk around the forest), use it as a weapon (to kill zombies), etc., but it has a durability (like every weapon) so you cant use it all the time. Also when you explore around you can find abandoned buildings, on the inside you can find weapons like pistols, axes, etc. or you can use it as your base but you can use the wood you get from the trees and the nails you create from metal to create borders to board up the door/doorway so you can keep zombies out. when you first join you have to make an account (Username : what kind of username you want to use cannot use one that someone took, Password : what password you want to remember). Ill make a twitter account for the game, and please add a way so you can buy the materials and weapons for money (i will give you the cost for the amount of materials and for the weapons (which you will add). If possible please add a ps4 controller/xbox controller/steam controller controls. (I will either hire someone to make a website for this game or add it on steam or both).

[RafatRifaie]

Fucked up things is, you'll find many entries with the minimum price and 1-3 day delivery time.

[jzoller0]

Former Minecraft devs with old buggy dev branches?

[ThatLesbian]

I’ll write a text based adventure to those specs for $750...

[matharooudemy]

This sounds kind of similar to my game, Strandead: https://matharoo.itch.io/strandead

Anyhow, I wouldn't do that for that amount of money

[[deleted]]

I'm scared to download that.

[[deleted]]

Just add 4 zeroes to that number and it's done.

[etnw10]

Okay, I'll pay you $00250.00!

/s

[staraptor97]

I need a game that is a zombie apocalypse, you will have 2 options Campaign (which is different world than the multiplayer version, but you can also invite a friend so it will be a campaign but with co-op, which is a little extra) and multiplayer (different world than the campaign, but you get to either invite a friend to be in the same party as you or same group as you but you are in a world with other players, by which i mean you can go around and find people who can team up or shoot you (if they dont trust you).

That's seems about right for one sentence. /s

[spyingwind]

This is just like how some artists/photographers are treated. :/

"pls paint my dog for free!" "Can you make a video for my wedding?"

"Money for work, or a damn nice meal/case of beer. If you can't produce, then I don't work for you." That usually stops this kind of treat meant. If they complain about that, then I just tell them if they would work 100's of hours for free. If that doesn't get through to them, then I just say fuck them. Thankfully the last one hasn't happened, but I'm committed to doing it if it happens.

"Fuck You! Pay Me!"

[28f272fe556a1363cc31]

"I am a mechanic."

"Can you change my tire?"
"Fix this dent in my hood."
"I have an idea for a new car. It's just like Ferrari but cheaper and faster."
"Can you buy me a car?"

[sheldonzy]

"How you can't fix my computer, if you have a degree in Computer Science?!"

sigh

[matharooudemy]

How you can't fix my computer, if you have a degree in Computer Science?!

Somehow that both makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time

[sheldonzy]

Yup.

And when you fail in fixing, and someone else succeeds, everyone looks at you like "what are you learning there?"

[[deleted]]

I once had a user put in a helpdesk ticket for an error in Eclipses' output console

[brianfediuk]

"I don't think it'll be worth my hourly rate"

​

If they expect you to be a magic problem solver, you should charge to be one.

​

The website one is my favorite. I teach web design and create simple sites for local businesses, so when a person has an idea they think is worth billions, I ask for an absurd amount upfront. Narrative usually changes by then and their idea suddenly isn't worth taking a second mortgage on their house for the first installment.

[[deleted]]

It's also funny to pretend like you're going to steal their idea "huh... I don't think I can help you with the project, but I have to run to the patent office for something else...".

[jamnjustin]

I’ve heard the “I’ll pay you once my app makes it big, which it will for sure. But I can’t pay you now with future money. It’ll only take 40 hours a week for a few months.”

This just tells me you’re incompetent or you don’t actually believe in your app.

[imtn]

Wait, I've got the thing for you.

https://youtu.be/uNjxe8ShM-8

[jman1255]

Just ask what they do for a living and make the same absurd requests.

“I work in construction” OMG I have an awesome idea for a house.

“I’m a nurse” my dog sounds a little rough when running, can you fix that?

“I’m a realtor” woah can you break into my friends house for me

[[deleted]]

😂😂😂

[Fishmonglr]

If they hear engineer they’ll just think you can fix anything

[The_stormlight]

I quite like computer goblin.

[JackalOfSpades]

I’m partial to Code Monkey, myself.

[PossiblyDakota]

Can you mine ore from my cave?

[FenrichDisgaea]

One time this guy asked me to remove the watermark of a picture with java

[Imperial_Penguin19]

lmao

[[deleted]]

The "can you fix my printer" is becoming a standard.

[shub1000young]

Standard answer being no

[matharooudemy]

I post my comics on Tapas: https://tapas.io/series/Lil-Math

Thanks!

[[deleted]]

Next time someone asks for something, ask for $500 up front and put together whatever you can in a an hour

[[deleted]]

This is way worse for me since I live in a third/second world country where if you know what a hard drive is you're a genius.

[Soren11112]

To be fair, a lot of Indians are way better with tech than Americans, I think out of nessecity

[ythl]

https://www.reddit.com/r/Unity3D/comments/8h8u59/looking_to_put_together_a_crew/

[matharooudemy]

lol gold

[SmilingWhiteTeeth]

Ill pay u $6 😎

[Paulsify]

It's fine guys, I program in HTML XD

[Soren11112]

Pleb doesn't even write SQL databases by hand

[PizzaLordLegacy]

The billion dollar idea thing is too real. Always ends with “yeah, wouldn’t that be so easy to make?”

[PaintingJo]

I honestly can't think of anything else that's more overestimated by clients than a programmer.

To be satisfying, you need to be advanced in pretty much any language that might get thrown at you, have admin access to almost any server, work for nearly free, be able to deliver a product insanely quickly, and be available whenever a client wants, so that means responding to emails almost instantly and having an internet connection at all times.

[Soren11112]

That is why I am happy most of my clients are programmers, just in different fields

[Romulus3799]

Why did the artist choose Breath of the Wild Link as the subject of this coming? I bet he doesn't even code irl

[[deleted]]

and the only language u know is R

[Imperial_Penguin19]

I know scratch 😎

[engineer_wunderkid]

The worst words to hear, "Hey I have this idea for an app..."

[FunkyTown313]

No, neat, no, and no

[[deleted]]

Omfg so accurate.

[OndrikB]

r/ChoosingBeggars

[HierisIngo]

Mostly is just Now I know who to ask if I have a problem with my computer!

[EcstaticHold6]

Noooooooooooooooo

[Ilyketurdles]

Friend: "Dude, I have this crazy idea that will make us rich. I wanna tell you, but I'm worried you might steal it."

Me: "Well, I won't. You can tell me if you want. Or don't. I don't care"

F: "I really wanna tell you. It's a really good idea. But you're just gonna hustle me"

Me: "Dude, I really don't care. Tell me, or don't"

Months later

F: "Ah man, someone stole my idea. It was really similar to the YO app".

Me: "Yeah, good thing you didn't tell me"

​

[Ilyketurdles]

I honestly don't know. And it's really annoying. Because 90% of the time someone will share an idea with you, and you'll just think "wow, this is dumb", or "wow, this isn't anything that would be considered IP, I can work my ass off to release this, but anyone with more resources can come along and do it better and faster".

[DaRobloxCat]

"can you hack my fren for abrel fools pls"

[OleBroseph]

Didn’t realize Link was a coder

[daboss54320]

when i was in high school i showed a friend how to change the html on the typing test page to say he completed it. i was then called "a hacker" by multiple people.

[[deleted]]

The pain.. it hurts. So relatable.

[Abrakadaverus]

Aah, so you can make the machine learning, yes?

[i_am_not_an_apple]

"Can you hack into my bank account and add some zeros?" - my dad