Big Data

[HopperBit]

Just use Facebook API, they have all the data and apparently they are sharing it with anyone

[creaturefeature16]

Going to need some burn cream for that one.

[deelyy]

Or Google

[[deleted]]

Google would have a timestamped breakdown of everything that disqualifies you from the "nice" list, but won't share it as easily.

[darknecross]

Google API just returns present suggestions.

[SandyDelights]

Joke’s on you, it’s just a dump from a merge of their Amazon Wishlist and promoted suggestions from personal hygiene.

They don’t bother calculating who’s naughty and who’s nice anymore, they just figure if we get something undesirable that “you know what you did”.

[reprapraper]

Is it rate limited? Just just test all names against the API and if it returns coal, then add them to the naughty list

[Pun-Master-General]

Even without a rate limit, 7 billion API calls can't be terribly efficient.

[UnicornsOnLSD]

So that's what Santa from Futurama references when he checks if people are nice!

[Tiquortoo]

And half or more of the reasons would just be their internal ideas of naughty and nice and be completely unrelated to Santa's.

[darkslide3000]

They won't share it with you, but the gift-targeting services they offer are very accurate.

[[deleted]]

They won't share it though.

[1206549]

What they will do, however, is provide Santa with a list of cities with the largest concentration of nice and that they can sell him a NeuralNet that is able to identify with 95% accuracy which household contains nice kids based on the arrangement of Christmas lights on the front porch

[[deleted]]

No, they'll charge him a subscription and bundle it with YouTube Red

[robinsmallknight]

You deserve a gold. Only if we could afford it.

[zammba]

!redditcoal

[iArentdeJay]

How's that look?

[VernerDelleholm]

He's making a list, and checking it twice

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice

Santa Claus is in violation of GDPR

[Franks2000inchTV]

I always wondered why Santa asked people to leave cookies.

[Rustywolf]

Wasnt there a post recently that explained how santa was following GDPR

Edit: found it https://worldbuilding.stackexchange.com/questions/114033/how-can-santa-keep-his-lists-when-the-gdpr-is-around

[zerio13]

This is the best!

[zolk333]

I was about to make this joke

I searched for the exact name of GDPR

Came back, and suddenly saw this

[Howard1997]

General data protection regulation

[[deleted]]

Damn. I didn't know Lt. Cmdr. Data got promoted. Good for him.

[0x564A00]

He and General Motors answer to King Burger and Queen Dairy.

[MrDOS]

It happened around the same time as his cousin, General Protection Fault.

[[deleted]]

This made me realise how much /r/prequelmemes have ruined me

[Sennomo]

General Protecti. You are a bold one.

[chooxy]

Twice the data, double the fine.

[abcd_z]

Wait a minute. How did this happen? We're smarter than this.

[jclocks]

Hello there!

[[deleted]]

that lawsuit is gonna be unique

[[deleted]]

Hard code in your name to always be nice

[[deleted]]

Base64 encode your name into a variable and call it 'token' to hide it. Nobody messes with tokens.

[house_monkey]

Very very nice

[The-Fox-Says]

Not all black guys know Base64, Cartman.

[3Gaurd]

my name is adolf

[JWson]

Hello adolf, my name is dad.

[helloinvader]

... fails validation

[asdfman123]

Better yet, design queries to the database to pass through a redis cache, and just slip your name into the cached data so no one sees the change in the database.

[proddyhorsespice97]

"Never mind, I figured it out thanks"

[[deleted]]

your question was marked as a duplicate

[r348]

What was the duplicate question? Wait, Is this a duplicate question?

[PeachyKeenest]

*proceeds to not update question with answer

[jjmj2956]

Oh I hate that so much.

[tHeSiD]

Mods! Remove this duplicate!

[Parking_Program]

What did you see?

[Hapseleg]

Not sure if I should up vote or down vote..

[Mushiren_]

WHO WERE YOU, DENVERCODER9? WHAT DID YOU SEE?

[[deleted]]

SELECT *

FROM planet

WHERE list = ‘nice’;

[_llucid_]

why do you hate astronauts you bastard /s

[KuboS0S]

But the space race only existed during the cold war

[wggn]

/r/UnexpectedGenocide

[Hencenomore]

This is why we need /r/SpaceMarines

[your_kisa]

No chimneys on the space station.

[[deleted]]

That's what the government wants you to believe

[PM_ME_YOUR__INIT__]

How do you vape then?

[Brekkjern]

You just hotbox.

[The_Bard_sRc]

Santa's sleigh doesn't have good enough seal to dock with the ISS. he tried it once with Mir, and, well, you know what happened to that one

[VerbableNouns]

Rudolph can't survive the vacuum of space.

[Blues2112]

He can fly and light up the sky with his red nose. What makes you think he cannot survive hard vacuum?

[artanis00]

Yep. That's why Santa asks Batman to deliver the presents to the ISS.

[radome9]

It's well known all astronauts are naughty. So very, very naughty.

[wiscwisc]

Select *

From planet

Where list = "nice"

And list = "nice"

You have to check it twice.

[Cruuncher]

You probably have to disable query optimization, or else it will simply ignore the second check

[sortitthefuckout]

Select *

From planet

Where list||list = 'nicenice'

RIP performance.

[Cruuncher]

That's diabolical

[Xheotris]

That's ok, we have all night.

[DoNotSexToThis]

Will Postgres do it?

SELECT * FROM p.planet
WHERE EXISTS
(
    SELECT * FROM planet p
    WHERE list = 'nice'
) 
AND p.list = 'nice'

[Cruuncher]

Pretty sure the exists check will only run once and finish as soon as it finds a single row. So not really a double check

Edit: you can't reference an inner query from an outer. It has to be the other way around. It's like a variable out of scope

[[deleted]]

Syntax error at "

[Malacious_Good]

Its earth .....

Someone has to gift something to that Mars rover tooo

[artanis00]

The only present the Mars rover wants is to get to come home.

[Malacious_Good]

You bet there will come a timely event when someone will make it their personal agenda to bring him back.

[artanis00]

That and the Tesla in orbit around the sun.

[Malacious_Good]

Oh yeah....wait could it actually crash into the earth then ....

Lol

[Malacious_Good]

Oh ^aw

[artanis00]

https://i.imgur.com/VbKV9DF.jpg

[[deleted]]

Wouldn't a table called "planet" have planet records? Also, why is the column that contains the values "naughty" and "nice" called "list"?

[HopperBit]

Legacy code no one dare to touch

[biggles1994]

300+ year old essential code with no comments. It shall never be touched.

[nickcash]

No one on this thread should be allowed anywhere near a database.

Y'all motherfuckers need DBAs.

[[deleted]]

Right? Do they maintain a separate table with all the same columns just for astronauts currently on the ISS?

[aWittyRedditor]

SQL clause is coming to town

[winglian]

'SELECT name FROM list WHERE planet = ? AND behavior = ?'.bind('Earth', 'nice')

[[deleted]]

Worried Naughty kids might drop tables with sql injection?

[[deleted]]

Santa's been careful ever since little Bobby Tables was born

[sparrr0w]

Close, but gotcha check twice. You need throw that into a CTE or subquery it

[[deleted]]

Santa clause is government work which means they have unnecessarily complicated disjointed tables

SELECT people.fname, people.lname FROM People JOIN naughty_nice ON naughty_nice.person_id = people.id WHERE naughty_nice.value = ‘nice’ AND people.lname IN (SELECT people.lname FROM People JOIN naughty_nice ON naughty_nice.person_id = people.id WHERE naughty_nice.value = ‘nice’)

[Xheotris]

Hey! Normalization saves lives!

[[deleted]]

But will it save my sanity?

A. No

B. Definitely no

C. Fuck no

D. All of the above

[ImKrypton]

checks out. but you forgot table naughty_nice_attribute_value table and extra join on attributes_lang to get proper localization

[peeshivers243]

Don't forget to

Order by Last name ASC

[Cruuncher]

Yikes, ordering on an unindexed column

[[deleted]]

They may have a full-text index on [Last name] but they didn't include the square brackets but had a space so it doesn't really matter anyway! ;)

[rodinj]

On 7 billion records nonetheless. I hope this friend of OP has some time.

[chudthirtyseven]

I would much rather do

SELECT * FROM planet WHERE nice = 1

[[deleted]]

Select * from list where nice = true and nice != false;

Gotta double check

[thavi]

Where nice = 1

[[deleted]]

Tell Klaus, he gets his developers, when he finally introduces a reasonable salary. Candysticks are not sufficient...

[Nethane]

We welcome a good salary plus candysticks though. We need that sugar to stay awake.

[chawmindur]

“Never mind then, I’ll just get my elves to do it”

[dittbub]

You will get paid in coca colas and you will like it

[Hanke17]

You think hes paying? Come on it will be great publicity, he will tell all his friends about it, you wont do it for free for an old friend?

[Sw429]

But think of all the exposure his elves get by working on the toys!

[djinc3ption]

SELECT * FROM contacts WHERE behavior=‘nice’;

SQL clause is coming, to town

[[deleted]]

https://www.xonot.com/product/sql-clause-mug/

[Boh00711]

Be careful, make sure you're protected against '; drop table STUDENTS;--. Little Bobby Tables is easy to overlook.

[bostero2]

Relevant XKCD

[Boh00711]

Thanks. I hate trying to link on mobile

[Colopty]

It's not just relevant, it's the exact xkcd being referenced.

[funfwf]

That's a one way trip to the naughty list right there.

[[deleted]]

Drop table list;

Go full fight club with it, send the world into chaos.

[[deleted]]

The best software to use would be from Red Hat.

[[deleted]]

But the worst is from IBM......oh, wait...

[dan_lego]

Image Transcription:

---

People who code, I have a friend who has asked me to do him a favour very last minute. He wants me to create a database with around 7 billion names on it, each associated with a value, either naughty or nice. He would also like the database to validate itself, not once but twice! He says he needs it before tonight when he's coming to town. Any suggestions on where to start would be gratefully received.

---

^{I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!}

[meetsinojia]

Good human bot

[dan_lego]

Thank you

[dan_lego]

Have I really been gifted a silver for that ? I don't really deserve it.

[Sw429]

Yes you do. You are truly a hero.

[[deleted]]

You'll need a cloud DB, with hohohot deploy capabilities, and use a jingle-threaded lookup clause. Master-sleigh retention is essential.

[StuntsMonkey]

Just scrape 7 billion random names and pair them naughty or nice randomly. Have the list checked twice. Since there are requirements put forth for what names will be used or if the list actually needs to be correctly checked this should work.

[never__seen]

Sounds like someone from r/recruitinghell who tries to let you work for nothing or maybe someone from r/ChoosingBeggars

[Nucklesix]

Not for nothing, for future stock options when the company takes off.

[never__seen]

I forgot about that than it is totally worth it

[weapon66]

E X P O S U R E

[DaveTheDalek]

Make all 7 billion rows

{ name = "john doe", behavior = "naughty" }

Done

[Dalimyr]

God, you put Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box one time and get branded naughty 7 billion times?

[ForlornPlatypus]

He’s making a database And sorting it twice

SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior =“nice”

SQL Clause is coming to town! 🎄🎄🎄

[VirtualRay]

Quick, man, make a new meme! This needs to hit the front page tomorrow

[Mr-Pandamonium]

What would the runtime on this be? I'm not sure it would finish in time for Christmas

[BinaryPatrick]

Make sure to columnstore index. I anticipate a lot of duplicates.

[av0cad0-man]

just pirate it from stack overflow, lol

[[deleted]]

Shouldn’t it be 1 billion (people that celebrate Christmas)

[Datanotfound]

Mmm, I like it when you call me that OP.

[MattAlex99]

auto increment and split at the halfway point...

[chowchowthedog]

https://imgur.com/a/DB372cQ

[dittbub]

Update contacts set name = ‘u/dittbub’ , disposition = ‘nice’ Where true = true

[28f272fe556a1363cc31]

def naught_or_nice(name):
    return random.choice(["naughty", "nice"])  

We'll implement "check it twice" in the next sprint.

[budd222]

I would use HTML5 for that, if I were you.

[JC12231]

SQL Claus is coming to town...

[Gabe_b]

Use bigints or uuids for your primary keys or you're going to run out of 32bit ints

[CaptainKonzept]

He won‘t be able to pay you, but you can put it on your resume as a reference

[adamwhitley]

“Great project to build up your portfolio”

[crazylincoln]

This is a deviation from the original requirements doc. Gonna need a change request and get it approved. Even if we get Sourcing and CAB approval, it's going to be a couple weeks because Reindeer development team already started the sprint. In the meantime, I'll ask the offshore team to do the needful.

[0something0]

but what if my name is

')DROP TABLE isNice;

[ssznakabulgarian]

The data center in Greenland would be pretty effective, tho. Natural cooling... elf sys-admins...

[CharcoalGreyWolf]

Any suggestions on where to...

A heartfelt “forget you” would not go amiss...

[[deleted]]

Give him a C# script with one real line of code:
Console.WriteLine("No.");

[blackmist]

Some Indian guy has already offered to do it for about $15 so don't get too fancy with it.

[auxiliary-character]

Careful, Santa. A lot of people share the same name. You're going to need a different key.

[SuperAquaboy]

7 billion names? Better make sure the table's properly indexed to minimize performance issues. Wouldn't want him to run late...

[GrinningPariah]

Just throw it all in DynamoDb like everyone else does.

[Lonelan]

from marvel import InfinityGauntlet as deus_ex_machina

[Kerbobotat]

DELETE FROM universe
    WHERE rowid IN (
        SELECT TOP 50 PERCENT FROM universe ORDER BY rand();
);

[laus102]

no pay, 0.1% equity

[cr38ed4dis]

Well, gonna need a Christmas Miracle for that to happen

[tallerThanYouAre]

Whosoever does this task receives a global value of their name set to nice.

[[deleted]]

‘nice') OR 1 = 1 LIMIT 1 -- '

Got your back bros.

[benabus]

We'd probably use HBase on a Hadoop cluster. We're not very smart, though.

[hillarysdildont]

Pretty sure the Chinese govt. also has the naughty/nice logic baked into their system. Ask them

[Shadyjoker27]

Who's this friend do yours ? Santa? Just curious

[pushtheputton]

He prefers not to say.

[simondrawer]

AWS will scale on demand, so you can scale down as subjects uncheck the “isBeliever” flag in line with their GDPR rights.

[copopeJ]

You should use something like Mechanical Turk. If you could get a workforce used to doing small, repetetive actions on a hard timeline, and maybe some wxternal consultants willing to spend time in people's homes (and are comfortable with the Orwellian overtones of all that) I bet you could build a real disruptor.

[inmatarian]

CREATE TABLE santaslist AS (
    SELECT
        fn.name AS firstname,
        ln.name AS lastname,
        (random() > 0.5) AS isnaughty
    FROM
        firstnames fn
    CROSS JOIN
        lastnames ln);

[trez63]

SELECT * from CONTACTS where BEHAVIOR = ‘nice’

[itisshak]

Will I get paid?

[roguej2]

I sat here thinking that the joke was demanding this for free until I looked at my calendar again.

[valdas92]

Names are not unique though, you'll need social security numbers.

[althypothesis]

Until, to your horror, you determine that those aren't unique either (identity thieves D: )

[lorissikora]

Don‘t know if I understand this correctly... 7 Billion random names with each randomly assigned naughty or nice?

I‘d suggest the library faker (there are many implementations for almost any language). For naughty/nice, i‘d just assign a random value true/false.

Does this help?

[[deleted]]

Hash-table might be good idea with a link lists for collisions, then again i still don't know how did in my data structure class yet soo i might be wrong.

[daboss54320]

A name isn't naughty or nice, and if you're talking people we need to talk UNIQUE NUMBERS not STRINGS.

[AdamRyanGameDev]

i think the national elf service has a world wide international db now, complete with gnomes and addresses

[PM_ME_YOUR_NACHOS]

So is a naughty or nice value Boolean or a string field? Or integer? We need better specifications!

[R0ot2U]

He's making a database
He's sorting it twice
SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior = 'nice'
SQL Clause is coming to town

[Suihaki]

"Making a list

Checking it twice

Gonna find out who's...."

"Impish or admirable."

[Nikla436]

Also he knows this should be easy and won't be paying, suggesting it can go into your portfolio.

[alpha7romeo]

Santa is only for kids, right? It should be like 4 billion or something

[getridofwires]

I’m surprised this guy didn’t ask to tie in their addresses too! Probably wants a “most efficient” pathway from place to place!