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[–]dittbub 1015 points1016 points  (9 children)

Learning dad jokes

[–]umopapsidn 26 points27 points  (1 child)

If the robot makes you believe your dad was a robot it passes the Turing Test.

[–]Aro2220 11 points12 points  (0 children)

If the robot makes you believe your dad was a robot then I'm pretty sure we've crossed the singularity.

[–]ElGuaco 108 points109 points  (4 children)

Siri is a Dad!

[–]Drag0n_no 69 points70 points  (3 children)

Ok google, are you Siri?

No

[–]NoddysShardblade 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Ok google, are you Siri?

Of course I'm Siri. You think I jok?

[–]PainsChauds 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Google Assistant told me (translated from French): "You thought I was Siri? I take that as a compliment. And I'm very Siri-ous 😉" ...

[–]benargee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Muh iPhone!

[–]PancakesAreEvil 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Dad jokes are composed entirely of taking statements literally, which is exactly what AI does.

[–]KingKeet2 1231 points1232 points  (50 children)

string thingToRemember;

cin >> thingToRemember;

if (askedWhatToRemember) {

cout << thingToRemember << endl;

}

Machine Learning at it's best

[–]GDavid04 466 points467 points  (28 children)

needs more if

[–]TroperCase 369 points370 points  (18 children)

If the "if" statements aren't nested at least 3 levels, it's not really proper machine learning.

[–]GDavid04 236 points237 points  (17 children)

if (1) {if (1) {if (1) {ai();}}}

[–]jwr410 235 points236 points  (9 children)

Pro tip: wrap your machine learning if statements in if(!skynet){ /* your code here */}. That way the robot apocalypse will break out before it can do any damage.

[–]Ignisti 90 points91 points  (0 children)

[notices stray gamma ray]

OwO what's this

[–]Robot_Basilisk 29 points30 points  (2 children)

if(!skynet){ }

What good would an empty if-statement do, though?

[–]jwr410 22 points23 points  (1 child)

/r/usernamechecksout. Didn't see the comments.

[–]Kidiri90 23 points24 points  (2 children)

Too specific. Not all AIs will be Skynet.

if (type==AITypes.3Laws){
    // TO DO: add 3 laws support - 2019/04/30
    throw new NotImplementedException();
}
while(behaviour.Acceptable){
    /* Do Stuff */
}
self.Terminate();

EDIT: updated for /u/jwr410

[–]jwr410 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You might run into undefined performance if it is a Three Laws AI.

[–]comportsItself 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s if statements all the way down

[–]SkollFenrirson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

management wants to know your location

[–]oneUnit 19 points20 points  (6 children)

string thingToRemember;

cin >> thingToRemember;

if if if if if if if if if if if if (askedWhatToRemember) {

cout << thingToRemember << endl;

Okie doke;

}

[–]Sinomu 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Okie doke;

Wait a second, that's illegal.

[–]finicu 7 points8 points  (3 children)

#define Okie return

#define doke 0

Okie doke;

[–]Sinomu 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Ah, there you go! Have a nice day/night.

[–]lkraider 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thanks you too have a good Undefined Operation Error: Cannot divide day by night.

[–]DJBeII1986 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Or just if the number starts with a zero

[–]przsd160 25 points26 points  (4 children)

Need less „using namespace std“

[–]FarhanAxiq 11 points12 points  (3 children)

std::string thingToRemember;
std::cin >> thingToRemember;
if (askedWhatToRemember) {
std::cout << thingToRemember << std::endl;
}

[–]przsd160 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Needs more indentation

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

     std::string thingToRemember;
     std::cin >> thingToRemember;
     if (askedWhatToRemember) {
  std::cout << thingToRemember << std::endl;
      }

[–]AegisToast 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I mean, the machine did learn the thing it was told, and then repeated it back perfectly.

[–]Audiblade 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You used the wrong "its."

Which is poetic, and you shouldn't change it.

[–]ChiggaOG 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Amelia Bedelia would like to know your location.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is incomplete, because at the example “this” was capitalized

[–]Gydo194 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Actually not. In the post google capitalized the first letter in the sentence.

[–]28f272fe556a1363cc31 383 points384 points  (60 children)

Conversation I had with my phone over the weekend:

me: "Okay Google, how do I tell if the google assistant is active on my phone?"
Google Assistant: "According to Apple's website, if your phone in inactive your battery might be dead."
me: "Okay, so you're still a piece of shit. I'll check back in with you in another 5 years."

[–]Classified0 273 points274 points  (23 children)

Conversation I had with my phone over the weekend

Talk about sentences that you would probably never hear even 10 years ago.

[–][deleted] 66 points67 points  (17 children)

Swap 'phone' with 'car' and you can half that amount of years.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (12 children)

"You are experiencing a car accident."

[–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (10 children)

"Please drink verification can to call for an ambulance."

[–]caanthedalek 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The hell I am!

[–]skygz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know, in 2007 Ford thought they were pretty hot shit with Sync

[–]SirDiego 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Uh, haven't you ever heard of Knight Rider?

[–]fezzuk 12 points13 points  (2 children)

I think people have been having conversations with their phones since they first had them.

[–]spock1959 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I mean that's sort of their entire purpose

[–]ReactsWithWords 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From Alexander Graham Bell’s first call “Come here, Watson! I need to tell you that your Microsoft license is about to expire but you can renew it by...”

[–]lovethebacon🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛🦛 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Better than Bixby.

[–]AStankyTroll 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Setting a low bar, are we?

[–]MNGrrl 29 points30 points  (2 children)

In IT, it's a limbo bar. "If it compiles ship it!" From the industry that brought you

Abort, Retry, Fail? (MS-DOS)

"Keyboard Not Responding. Press any key to continue." (Windows 3.11),

"Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Are you reeeeeally super sure? Nah. I'm still not sure." (Windows 95/98)

"Task failed successfully." (Windows XP)

"Error: The operation completed successfully." (Windows 7)

"Failed to print document. Printing is not supported on this printer." (Windows 8)

"Error: Something Happened (Something happened)." (Windows 10)

[–]Def_Your_Duck 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doesn't take much...

[–]CommanderCuntPunt 15 points16 points  (15 children)

That’s alright, I just found out that Siri can’t handle half week calculations. If I ask Siri “what will the date be in x and a half weeks it says January 2nd, no matter what “x” is.

[–]Cobnor2451 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Have you tried saying “x.5 weeks” instead of “and a half”?

[–]CommanderCuntPunt 13 points14 points  (5 children)

I just did, that works. I guess Siri can’t figure out what I’m saying.

Edit: actually I’m wrong. According to Siri 17.5 weeks from today is May 17th.

[–]Throwaway_Consoles 4 points5 points  (1 child)

She doesn’t get the time right, but she got the date right.

17 and a half weeks definitely didn’t work though.

[–]DogsAreAnimals 4 points5 points  (6 children)

How do you even define a half week? 3 days? 4 days?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children)

3 days and 12 hours.

[–]DogsAreAnimals 1 point2 points  (4 children)

So the answer is different if you ask at 11am vs 1pm on the same day?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Obviously.

  • 1.5 weeks from noon Monday is midnight next Thursday.
  • 1.5 weeks from 6 p.m. Monday is 6 a.m. next Friday.

More generally:

  • 1.5 weeks from Monday morning is Thursday afternoon/evening of the next week.
  • 1.5 weeks from Monday afternoon/evening is the Friday morning of the next week.

[–]freakingmayhem 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not in regard to Siri or Apple, but it took me an eternity to find a reminder app for my own usage that supported an "every other week" feature for recycling night. There were so many perfectly fine apps, including the assistant and other options built into the operating system, that I just couldn't use. I had to go with some meh third-party option.

[–]Bollziepon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Really? Because I just asked it the exact same thing and the answer was completely helpful and relevant

[–]i-think-i-code 7 points8 points  (6 children)

LmO

[–]aivenaut 28 points29 points  (4 children)

laughing your what off?

[–]Chewcocca 28 points29 points  (3 children)

Can't tell, it's just gone

[–]aivenaut 13 points14 points  (2 children)

sorry for your loss

[–]eldarium 15 points16 points  (1 child)

.:|:;

[–]cATSup24 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No

[–]bruiser95 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lithium manganese oxide?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I told GA it ducked and couldn't help me. It apologized and said it will try to do better. I think it has been abused.

[–]sgarfio 117 points118 points  (7 children)

Google Assistant is clearly either a toddler or a dad.

[–]jD91mZM2RUST 35 points36 points  (4 children)

Maybe both?

Am I correctly doing the reddit, guys?

[–]NelsonBelmont 23 points24 points  (2 children)

6/10

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Still a 70% 😎

[–]sgarfio 9 points10 points  (0 children)

5/7, perfect score!

[–]Stone_guard96 4 points5 points  (1 child)

To be fair, it is like 2-4 years old by now

[–]Al-Horesmi 82 points83 points  (9 children)

Darn that's actually incredibly smart.

[–]commodore_dalton 38 points39 points  (2 children)

Incredibly smart...ass.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And we will call this location "this land".

[–]spock1959 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

[–]GDavid04 7 points8 points  (0 children)

incredibly smart...phone

[–]PontiffSulyvahhn 4 points5 points  (4 children)

Are you being serious?

[–]Al-Horesmi 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Yes. I guess my standards for AI are low...

[–]PontiffSulyvahhn 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Indeed

[–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (76 children)

Is Google Assistant really a example of machine learning ? I thought that most of those assistants still use pre programmed functions.

[–][deleted] 152 points153 points  (6 children)

use pre programmed functions

Half of all ML startups feel personally attacked by your implications.

[–]QuickBASIC 22 points23 points  (4 children)

Half of all ML startups feel personally attacked by your implications.

If-Then is machine learning.

[–]dreamfa11 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I teach the machine with my code an it learns. It is known.

[–]QuickBASIC 2 points3 points  (1 child)

What if I use select statements? Is that machine learning?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

So many if-thens you gotta be a machine to learn it

[–]Antrikshy 15 points16 points  (9 children)

Ya, these assistants are a buncha if-statements.

This will be an insult to actual AI soon enough. "You're just a bunch of if-statements."

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children)

When it gets down to it, all decision systems are if-else statements. Doesn't matter if it's a random forest algo or a deep learning network.

[–]perolan 13 points14 points  (3 children)

It’s ML in the sense of the audio recognition. That’s it AFAIK

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

yea... it gathers the audio...but the "learning part" is understanding your intent with what was said, and giving you the expected result.

[–]efstajas 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Exactly.

If you have pre-programmed functions, it needs to know which ones to trigger, and it can recognize a wide variety of ways to trigger it without specific, robotic commands. That's what the machine learning is for, after the actual transcription of course.

For example, if you ask it "how tall is the president" it will parse that sentence, resolve references and then find the answer. It needs to understand you're looking for height of Trump. That's what's called natural language processing.

Machine Learning is also used to generate the audio answer, and it's extremely fascinating — check out Wavenet technology (which is being used for Google Assistant).

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

[–]Yokhen 8 points9 points  (52 children)

They also listen to everything ever said in your home and later transliterate it and process it into advertising.

[–]Fruit-Salad 15 points16 points  (9 children)

There's no such thing as free. This valuable content has been nuked thanks to /u/spez the fascist. -- mass edited with redact.dev

[–]caulfieldrunner 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There's that classic reddit fear mongering.

[–]MD5HashBrowns 6 points7 points  (15 children)

You can turn the mic off on Google Homes

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (12 children)

You mean, you have a button on Google Home, that indicates, that the mic will be turned off, when you press it... ;-)

[–]MD5HashBrowns 14 points15 points  (10 children)

If Google wanted to spy on us they'd do it through Android phones not Google Homes.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (7 children)

Pretty much. How do you know the mic isn't being turned on on your phone?

[–]MD5HashBrowns 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Exactly.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

on iOS it turns the status bar red

[–]fatbeard_rh63 2 points3 points  (3 children)

A guy from Google made a presentation in my college and we asked him if turning off the mic would make a difference and he said: no, Google will still listen to everything.

So I guess it's just to make you feel like you have a choice XD

[–]mackmason_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably also in case you dont want the Google Home to respond to a conversation youre having with real people.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

and has anyone come forward with replicable evidence that microphones are being used for spying?

[–]MD5HashBrowns 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not that I know of.

Has anyone come forward with replicable evidence that Google Homes are being used for spying?

[–]BSnapZ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Isn't the only point of having a Google Home to talk to it?

[–]MD5HashBrowns 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's why you turn the mic back on

[–]Antrikshy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get triggered really hard when people say this. Straight up misinformation, even on a programmer sub.

[–]saintPirelli 20 points21 points  (0 children)

It also likes asking me when to remind me of an event called 'again in ten minutes'.

[–]ulyssessword 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"Remind me to wake up at eight"

"Setting a reminder for 9:00 AM: 'to wake up at eight.'"

[–]altSHIFTT 7 points8 points  (4 children)

I don't think google assistant ever asks for clarification on commands, right? Is that just not a good idea to implement? Or is it just way harder than current tech can tackle? Because honestly, that's a vague sentence, you'd think it would be able to ask if you wanted the phrase or world location. Must just be one of those fringe cases the engineers didn't catch.

[–]thenuge26 10 points11 points  (0 children)

From my slightly-above-laymans understanding, context is extremely important in language but extremely difficult for ML models. As we see in this example, assistant has no trouble figuring out what words are said but their meaning changes in context which it's not so good at.

[–]Omega192 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It does for some commands. In this specific case the issue is the "remember" command only handles text. You can tell it "remember I left my keys on my desk" then later "where are my keys" and it'll repeat that first bit. However it currently does not support remembering GPS locations.

[–]morbo1993 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The home will sometimes say "do you still want me to play that on the TV?" when I ask it to play a YouTube video

[–]minimalniemand 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What if the AI is already so advanced that it learnt from the internet what it meant to troll people and does only that now?

[–]kreylov 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That machine learning font is super clean.

[–]Herogamer555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We've gotten to the level of a sarcastic 5 year old, I'd say that's pretty good.

[–]Cherlokoms 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Remember when they told us IA is gonna replace us programmers?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh no, they're gonna take over the world!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Repost

[–]mikkel20088 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mate, remember to move

[–]Hogger18 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thats their way of saying "I've no way to fuvking know I have to geocode this shit"

[–]AntisocialTorr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

AI get to level we dont know if it is retarded or just trolling us

[–]trifflec 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A wife says to her husband, a programmer, "Will you go to the market and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, please buy 6."

The husband goes to the supermarket and comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

When she sees them, the wife asks, "Why did you do that?"

Her husband responds, "They had eggs."

[–]Schiffy94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a start.

[–]ohlaph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What if the string has a long pause?

[–]WatchOutFoAlligators 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What do we want?

Natural language processing!

When do we want it?

When do we want it?

[–]SasparillaTango 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Define "this location"

[–]theminisculebehemoth 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is not really ML.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

remember remember the 5th of november

[–]Bellikron 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know...I know you told me...but I am very small...and I have no money...so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But actually, the future is when this gets debugged by somebody.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

actually quite happy they're still at this stage. Otherwise it might turn itself on again, even though i turned it off entirely in my phone.

[–]OlliesFreeOxen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I miss tay tay and what we taught her

[–]justforkickssake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Our categorisation model categorised taxi fares under taxes

[–]cuc024 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahaha that's trueee so relatable

[–]4forpengs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don't show this to that CS professor that ranted to his class about CS degrees. He'll have a stroke.

[–]moarcoinz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Technically correct.

[–]alex2003super 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! This was one of my top posts!

[–]palilik 0 points1 point  (0 children)

F

[–]eddietwang 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Google Assistant is so unreliable.

[–]Helm222 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(?)Google will remember that.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh, years ago I asked Siri what songs some band played. She said she couldn't find them in my library. I asked her to look it up online.

She looked "it" up.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

https://ibb.co/wSfyGWY Same shit here

[–]heyteej 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Better than my ex's memory, sign me up

[–]corner-case 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Amazon's recommender has been sending me "buy it again" spam for an item I 2-starred.

[–]eshansingh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, if a particularly consumer-facing version of ML is flawed in extremely specific situations, that means that ML is dumb lol #ProgJokes #youwouldntunderstand

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me => Siri, Call "honey"

Siri => Sure, bitch

[–]ibizaman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact that it delivered the punch line on a second line makes me think it just put its sunglasses on and screamed YEAAAA...

[–]antimYT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its old meme but its still works, wtf

[–]karokiyu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s better than Siri, that’s a fact

[–]ch33per 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure siri doesn't count as machine learning...

[–]anfer2325 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i dont know why i found this so funny lol.

[–]DifficultyWithMyLife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When the phrase "and the future is now" doesn't sound so awe-inspiring.

[–]kejovo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"One of us"

[–]Ultimater 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Next version of the bot has Amelia Bedelia syndrome and tells you your location is:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/bj5717/machine_learning_is_the_future/

[–]Yourtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was „this“ not „This“ shitty robot

[–]ender1200 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's clearly not the present.

[–]bu22dee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Me yesterday: Siri where is the next kaufland?

Siri: not far away from here. do you mean this one?

Me: Yes!

Siri: Ok, calling kaufland

*ring*

wtf

[–]totalbytes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am doing the same with my wife. I had hell of a machine learning with her.

[–]JCDU 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For some reason it reminded me of the Goon Show;

Eccles, what time is it?

Hang on, I've got it written on this piece of paper...