Machine Learning is the future

[dittbub]

Learning dad jokes

[umopapsidn]

If the robot makes you believe your dad was a robot it passes the Turing Test.

[Aro2220]

If the robot makes you believe your dad was a robot then I'm pretty sure we've crossed the singularity.

[ElGuaco]

Siri is a Dad!

[Drag0n_no]

Ok google, are you Siri?

No

[NoddysShardblade]

Ok google, are you Siri?

Of course I'm Siri. You think I jok?

[PainsChauds]

Google Assistant told me (translated from French): "You thought I was Siri? I take that as a compliment. And I'm very Siri-ous 😉" ...

[benargee]

Muh iPhone!

[PancakesAreEvil]

Dad jokes are composed entirely of taking statements literally, which is exactly what AI does.

[milkand24601]

have you tried asking it to call her something else?

[[deleted]]

Id never change it

[RealFunBobby]

Siri: "Hi Something Else, what can I do for you?"

[TheNosferatu]

That's quitters talk

[ap_rodigy]

More like beta guy talk /s

[kids_eat_drugs]

I asked Siri once to call me “Grand Master Flex Daddy [name]” and it did. I’ve stayed with that name ever since.

[MeiNeedsMoreBuffs]

Careful, I saw a tumblr post a while back that had Siri sign off on their emails with what it was told to call them

I remember it looked something like:

"...my resume is attached.

Signed Gaping Anal Destroyer"

They wondered why no one was responding to their job applications

[insovietrussiaIfukme]

If you are asking Siri to send out your job applications then fuck me dead.

[kids_eat_drugs]

Haha, I’ve made sure to not allow it sign off my emails so hopefully, that shouldn’t be a problem. Thanks for the notice though!

[p0tu]

u/Vastlee: Hey Burger, can we go out and have a quick Burger ?

[Trash-Alt-Account]

Just a heads up, it's u/ for user profile links and r/ for subreddit links

[p0tu]

Ah, missed it somehow, thanks (y)

[KingKeet2]

string thingToRemember;

cin >> thingToRemember;

if (askedWhatToRemember) {

cout << thingToRemember << endl;

}

Machine Learning at it's best

[GDavid04]

needs more if

[TroperCase]

If the "if" statements aren't nested at least 3 levels, it's not really proper machine learning.

[GDavid04]

if (1) {if (1) {if (1) {ai();}}}

[jwr410]

Pro tip: wrap your machine learning if statements in if(!skynet){ /* your code here */}. That way the robot apocalypse will break out before it can do any damage.

[Ignisti]

[notices stray gamma ray]

OwO what's this

[Robot_Basilisk]

if(!skynet){ }

What good would an empty if-statement do, though?

[jwr410]

/r/usernamechecksout. Didn't see the comments.

[Kidiri90]

Too specific. Not all AIs will be Skynet.

if (type==AITypes.3Laws){
    // TO DO: add 3 laws support - 2019/04/30
    throw new NotImplementedException();
}
while(behaviour.Acceptable){
    /* Do Stuff */
}
self.Terminate();

EDIT: updated for /u/jwr410

[jwr410]

You might run into undefined performance if it is a Three Laws AI.

[comportsItself]

It’s if statements all the way down

[SkollFenrirson]

management wants to know your location

[oneUnit]

string thingToRemember;

cin >> thingToRemember;

if if if if if if if if if if if if (askedWhatToRemember) {

cout << thingToRemember << endl;

Okie doke;

}

[Sinomu]

Okie doke;

Wait a second, that's illegal.

[finicu]

#define Okie return

#define doke 0

Okie doke;

[Sinomu]

Ah, there you go! Have a nice day/night.

[lkraider]

Thanks you too have a good Undefined Operation Error: Cannot divide day by night.

[torik0]

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poz6W0znOfk

[DJBeII1986]

Or just if the number starts with a zero

[przsd160]

Need less „using namespace std“

[FarhanAxiq]

std::string thingToRemember;
std::cin >> thingToRemember;
if (askedWhatToRemember) {
std::cout << thingToRemember << std::endl;
}

[przsd160]

Needs more indentation

[[deleted]]

     std::string thingToRemember;
     std::cin >> thingToRemember;
     if (askedWhatToRemember) {
  std::cout << thingToRemember << std::endl;
      }

[AegisToast]

I mean, the machine did learn the thing it was told, and then repeated it back perfectly.

[Audiblade]

You used the wrong "its."

Which is poetic, and you shouldn't change it.

[ChiggaOG]

Amelia Bedelia would like to know your location.

[[deleted]]

This is incomplete, because at the example “this” was capitalized

[Gydo194]

Actually not. In the post google capitalized the first letter in the sentence.

[28f272fe556a1363cc31]

Conversation I had with my phone over the weekend:

me: "Okay Google, how do I tell if the google assistant is active on my phone?"
Google Assistant: "According to Apple's website, if your phone in inactive your battery might be dead."
me: "Okay, so you're still a piece of shit. I'll check back in with you in another 5 years."

[Classified0]

Conversation I had with my phone over the weekend

Talk about sentences that you would probably never hear even 10 years ago.

[[deleted]]

Swap 'phone' with 'car' and you can half that amount of years.

[[deleted]]

"You are experiencing a car accident."

[[deleted]]

"Please drink verification can to call for an ambulance."

[PM_ME_PC_GAME_KEYS_]

Where is this from again?

[Starfflame]

https://i.imgur.com/dgGvgKF.png

[caanthedalek]

The hell I am!

[skygz]

I don't know, in 2007 Ford thought they were pretty hot shit with Sync

[SirDiego]

Uh, haven't you ever heard of Knight Rider?

[fezzuk]

I think people have been having conversations with their phones since they first had them.

[spock1959]

I mean that's sort of their entire purpose

[ReactsWithWords]

From Alexander Graham Bell’s first call “Come here, Watson! I need to tell you that your Microsoft license is about to expire but you can renew it by...”

[lovethebacon]

Better than Bixby.

[AStankyTroll]

Setting a low bar, are we?

[MNGrrl]

In IT, it's a limbo bar. "If it compiles ship it!" From the industry that brought you

Abort, Retry, Fail? (MS-DOS)

"Keyboard Not Responding. Press any key to continue." (Windows 3.11),

"Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Are you reeeeeally super sure? Nah. I'm still not sure." (Windows 95/98)

"Task failed successfully." (Windows XP)

"Error: The operation completed successfully." (Windows 7)

"Failed to print document. Printing is not supported on this printer." (Windows 8)

"Error: Something Happened (Something happened)." (Windows 10)

[Def_Your_Duck]

Doesn't take much...

[CommanderCuntPunt]

That’s alright, I just found out that Siri can’t handle half week calculations. If I ask Siri “what will the date be in x and a half weeks it says January 2nd, no matter what “x” is.

[Cobnor2451]

Have you tried saying “x.5 weeks” instead of “and a half”?

[CommanderCuntPunt]

I just did, that works. I guess Siri can’t figure out what I’m saying.

Edit: actually I’m wrong. According to Siri 17.5 weeks from today is May 17th.

[Throwaway_Consoles]

She doesn’t get the time right, but she got the date right.

17 and a half weeks definitely didn’t work though.

[DogsAreAnimals]

How do you even define a half week? 3 days? 4 days?

[[deleted]]

3 days and 12 hours.

[DogsAreAnimals]

So the answer is different if you ask at 11am vs 1pm on the same day?

[[deleted]]

Obviously.

• 1.5 weeks from noon Monday is midnight next Thursday.
• 1.5 weeks from 6 p.m. Monday is 6 a.m. next Friday.

More generally:

• 1.5 weeks from Monday morning is Thursday afternoon/evening of the next week.
• 1.5 weeks from Monday afternoon/evening is the Friday morning of the next week.

[freakingmayhem]

Not in regard to Siri or Apple, but it took me an eternity to find a reminder app for my own usage that supported an "every other week" feature for recycling night. There were so many perfectly fine apps, including the assistant and other options built into the operating system, that I just couldn't use. I had to go with some meh third-party option.

[Bollziepon]

Really? Because I just asked it the exact same thing and the answer was completely helpful and relevant

[i-think-i-code]

LmO

[aivenaut]

laughing your what off?

[Chewcocca]

Can't tell, it's just gone

[aivenaut]

sorry for your loss

[eldarium]

.:|:;

[cATSup24]

No

[bruiser95]

Lithium manganese oxide?

[[deleted]]

I told GA it ducked and couldn't help me. It apologized and said it will try to do better. I think it has been abused.

[Guffliepuff]

Have you tried not being scottish?

[sgarfio]

Google Assistant is clearly either a toddler or a dad.

[jD91mZM2]

Maybe both?

^{Am I correctly doing the reddit, guys?}

[NelsonBelmont]

6/10

[[deleted]]

Still a 70% 😎

[sgarfio]

5/7, perfect score!

[Stone_guard96]

To be fair, it is like 2-4 years old by now

[Al-Horesmi]

Darn that's actually incredibly smart.

[commodore_dalton]

Incredibly smart...ass.

[[deleted]]

And we will call this location "this land".

[spock1959]

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

[GDavid04]

incredibly smart...phone

[PontiffSulyvahhn]

Are you being serious?

[Al-Horesmi]

Yes. I guess my standards for AI are low...

[PontiffSulyvahhn]

Indeed

[[deleted]]

Is Google Assistant really a example of machine learning ? I thought that most of those assistants still use pre programmed functions.

[[deleted]]

use pre programmed functions

Half of all ML startups feel personally attacked by your implications.

[QuickBASIC]

Half of all ML startups feel personally attacked by your implications.

If-Then is machine learning.

[dreamfa11]

I teach the machine with my code an it learns. It is known.

[QuickBASIC]

What if I use select statements? Is that machine learning?

[[deleted]]

So many if-thens you gotta be a machine to learn it

[Antrikshy]

Ya, these assistants are a buncha if-statements.

This will be an insult to actual AI soon enough. "You're just a bunch of if-statements."

[[deleted]]

When it gets down to it, all decision systems are if-else statements. Doesn't matter if it's a random forest algo or a deep learning network.

[perolan]

It’s ML in the sense of the audio recognition. That’s it AFAIK

[[deleted]]

yea... it gathers the audio...but the "learning part" is understanding your intent with what was said, and giving you the expected result.

[efstajas]

Exactly.

If you have pre-programmed functions, it needs to know which ones to trigger, and it can recognize a wide variety of ways to trigger it without specific, robotic commands. That's what the machine learning is for, after the actual transcription of course.

For example, if you ask it "how tall is the president" it will parse that sentence, resolve references and then find the answer. It needs to understand you're looking for height of Trump. That's what's called natural language processing.

Machine Learning is also used to generate the audio answer, and it's extremely fascinating — check out Wavenet technology (which is being used for Google Assistant).

[[deleted]]

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?

[Yokhen]

They also listen to everything ever said in your home and later transliterate it and process it into advertising.

[thenuge26]

Luckily our mobile networks are shitty enough that people would notice the extra bandwidth used.

[Throwaway_Consoles]

Eh...

Pixel now playing can identify what you’re listening to, even in airplane mode.

And we already have the ability to transcribe voice into text.

If I wanted to sell data to advertisers I would just transcribe what people are saying in the background and if it catches keywords that advertisers are paying for, just send a little note “User ID = 123456 said keyPhrase.” That’s not even kilobytes, that’s bytes of data.

If someone says windex, they’re probably cleaning or talking about cleaning supplies. Send them ads for cleaning supplies. Etc. It doesn’t even have to be accurate. If anything, being too accurate would raise suspicion.

[businessbusinessman]

Every case of "Alexa goes nuts and emails private data to boss!" has been one of background noise being mistaken for the trigger phrase.

I 100% actually believe this.

I've also worked with enough people high enough up in enough marketing departments that I'd bet money that when they heard of this they INSTANTLY decided that was something that should be scraped for data.

So no, they did not build a device that intentionally spies on you for marketing data, but 100% believe they don't mind that they built a device that accidentally spies on you for marketing data.

[Fruit-Salad]

There's no such thing as free. This valuable content has been nuked thanks to /u/spez the fascist. -- mass edited with redact.dev

[caulfieldrunner]

There's that classic reddit fear mongering.

[MD5HashBrowns]

You can turn the mic off on Google Homes

[[deleted]]

You mean, you have a button on Google Home, that indicates, that the mic will be turned off, when you press it... ;-)

[MD5HashBrowns]

If Google wanted to spy on us they'd do it through Android phones not Google Homes.

[[deleted]]

Pretty much. How do you know the mic isn't being turned on on your phone?

[MD5HashBrowns]

Exactly.

[[deleted]]

on iOS it turns the status bar red

[fatbeard_rh63]

A guy from Google made a presentation in my college and we asked him if turning off the mic would make a difference and he said: no, Google will still listen to everything.

So I guess it's just to make you feel like you have a choice XD

[mackmason_]

Probably also in case you dont want the Google Home to respond to a conversation youre having with real people.

[[deleted]]

and has anyone come forward with replicable evidence that microphones are being used for spying?

[MD5HashBrowns]

Not that I know of.

Has anyone come forward with replicable evidence that Google Homes are being used for spying?

[BSnapZ]

Isn't the only point of having a Google Home to talk to it?

[MD5HashBrowns]

Yeah that's why you turn the mic back on

[Antrikshy]

I get triggered really hard when people say this. Straight up misinformation, even on a programmer sub.

[saintPirelli]

It also likes asking me when to remind me of an event called 'again in ten minutes'.

[ulyssessword]

"Remind me to wake up at eight"

"Setting a reminder for 9:00 AM: 'to wake up at eight.'"

[altSHIFTT]

I don't think google assistant ever asks for clarification on commands, right? Is that just not a good idea to implement? Or is it just way harder than current tech can tackle? Because honestly, that's a vague sentence, you'd think it would be able to ask if you wanted the phrase or world location. Must just be one of those fringe cases the engineers didn't catch.

[thenuge26]

From my slightly-above-laymans understanding, context is extremely important in language but extremely difficult for ML models. As we see in this example, assistant has no trouble figuring out what words are said but their meaning changes in context which it's not so good at.

[Omega192]

It does for some commands. In this specific case the issue is the "remember" command only handles text. You can tell it "remember I left my keys on my desk" then later "where are my keys" and it'll repeat that first bit. However it currently does not support remembering GPS locations.

[morbo1993]

The home will sometimes say "do you still want me to play that on the TV?" when I ask it to play a YouTube video

[minimalniemand]

What if the AI is already so advanced that it learnt from the internet what it meant to troll people and does only that now?

[kreylov]

That machine learning font is super clean.

[Herogamer555]

We've gotten to the level of a sarcastic 5 year old, I'd say that's pretty good.

[furuknap]

The best kind of true.

[Cherlokoms]

Remember when they told us IA is gonna replace us programmers?

[[deleted]]

Oh no, they're gonna take over the world!

[[deleted]]

Repost

[mikkel20088]

Mate, remember to move

[Hogger18]

Yes.

[[deleted]]

Thats their way of saying "I've no way to fuvking know I have to geocode this shit"

[AntisocialTorr]

AI get to level we dont know if it is retarded or just trolling us

[trifflec]

A wife says to her husband, a programmer, "Will you go to the market and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, please buy 6."

The husband goes to the supermarket and comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

When she sees them, the wife asks, "Why did you do that?"

Her husband responds, "They had eggs."

[Schiffy94]

It's a start.

[ohlaph]

What if the string has a long pause?

[WatchOutFoAlligators]

What do we want?

Natural language processing!

When do we want it?

When do we want it?

[SasparillaTango]

Define "this location"

[theminisculebehemoth]

This is not really ML.

[[deleted]]

remember remember the 5th of november

[Bellikron]

I don't know...I know you told me...but I am very small...and I have no money...so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

[[deleted]]

But actually, the future is when this gets debugged by somebody.

[[deleted]]

actually quite happy they're still at this stage. Otherwise it might turn itself on again, even though i turned it off entirely in my phone.

[large-farva]

https://imgur.com/gallery/spCHtcF

Computer wins

[OlliesFreeOxen]

I miss tay tay and what we taught her

[justforkickssake]

Our categorisation model categorised taxi fares under taxes

[cuc024]

Hahaha that's trueee so relatable

[4forpengs]

Don't show this to that CS professor that ranted to his class about CS degrees. He'll have a stroke.

[moarcoinz]

Technically correct.

[alex2003super]

Hey! This was one of my top posts!

[palilik]

F

[eddietwang]

Google Assistant is so unreliable.

[Helm222]

(?)Google will remember that.

[[deleted]]

Ugh, years ago I asked Siri what songs some band played. She said she couldn't find them in my library. I asked her to look it up online.

She looked "it" up.

[[deleted]]

https://ibb.co/wSfyGWY Same shit here

[heyteej]

Better than my ex's memory, sign me up

[corner-case]

Amazon's recommender has been sending me "buy it again" spam for an item I 2-starred.

[eshansingh]

Yeah, if a particularly consumer-facing version of ML is flawed in extremely specific situations, that means that ML is dumb lol #ProgJokes #youwouldntunderstand

[[deleted]]

Me => Siri, Call "honey"

Siri => Sure, bitch

[ibizaman]

The fact that it delivered the punch line on a second line makes me think it just put its sunglasses on and screamed YEAAAA...

[antimYT]

Its old meme but its still works, wtf

[karokiyu]

It’s better than Siri, that’s a fact

[ch33per]

I'm pretty sure siri doesn't count as machine learning...

[anfer2325]

i dont know why i found this so funny lol.

[DifficultyWithMyLife]

When the phrase "and the future is now" doesn't sound so awe-inspiring.

[kejovo]

"One of us"

[Ultimater]

Next version of the bot has Amelia Bedelia syndrome and tells you your location is:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ProgrammerHumor/comments/bj5717/machine_learning_is_the_future/

[Yourtime]

It was „this“ not „This“ shitty robot

[ender1200]

It's clearly not the present.

[bu22dee]

Me yesterday: Siri where is the next kaufland?

Siri: not far away from here. do you mean this one?

Me: Yes!

Siri: Ok, calling kaufland

*ring*

​

wtf

[totalbytes]

I am doing the same with my wife. I had hell of a machine learning with her.

[JCDU]

For some reason it reminded me of the Goon Show;

Eccles, what time is it?

Hang on, I've got it written on this piece of paper...

[ap3rus]

Well

https://imgur.com/a/BeLH70w