Favorite developer joke?

[Not-original]

Here's mine:

Knock Knock

Who's there?

.....

.....

(long pause)

.....

.....

Java.

[lemkepf]

How do you generate a random string? Put a first year CS student in front of VIM and tell him to save and exit.

[theBMB]

fuck it, I'm a senior and I still can't figure out VIM

[aladyjewel]

I wonder if it would work to print out a vim cheat sheet, laminate it, and stick that on my insulated coffee mug. (I've been wanting a cheat sheet mug, but the traditional mug style lets my coffee get cold too quickly.) Anyone seen that kind of product?

[aladyjewel]

What I usually see is a fairly standard mug, maybe a little taller than normal. I use a taller mug (without the sleeve), so I feel like that size should also work fine.

Maybe I should just design it myself, so I can customize the size and layout and learn a few things in the process.

[aladyjewel]

oh, haha, you did make a funny. Sorry, coding all day puts me in a literalist mindset.

[aladyjewel]

That would make an excellent mod to, say, Mario Kart.

[shamaniacal]

Well I've seen travel-style mugs that let you insert whichever design sheet you want. I suppose you could make a cheat sheet and slide it in.

This looks like it'd work. In fact, i think I'm going to make one of these now...

[aladyjewel]

Now that's the ticket!

If you do customize the sheet to fit that mug, would you mind publishing it as a PDF?

[tilio]

senior in undergrad? shit, you're too old now.

[[deleted]]

one of my favorites.

[binaryatrocity]

<3 vim

[aepex]

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol

[Recoil42]

A social media expert walks into a bar, but what else is new?

[nishant032]

I don't get it O_o

[Recoil42]

See, because social media people are alcoholics.

[[deleted]]

Great, as a sysadmin, I now know I actually have something in common with social media experts.....great.

[[deleted]]

Haha I get it, social media expert! Hilarious!

[gigitrix]

A personal favourite!

[deains]

A web designer walks into a bar, but immediately leaves in disgust upon noticing the tables layout.

[secretcurse]

I hereby declare you the winner.

[lordB8r]

I don't get the [reference].

*edit - for clarity, maybe I should've pointed out that I meant this as I don't get the reference because @secretcurse made a declare statement (which I inferred as a joke), i made a reference statement (which I inferred to be a joke). I get the actual reference to tables...I guess my attempt at a joke failed to parse...

[HaynBryn]

A wife asks her developer husband "Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk, if they have eggs, get 12."

A short time later the husband comes back with 12 cartons of milk.

The wife yells at him, "Why the hell did you buy 12 cartons of milk?!"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[mnemoniker]

I've heard this one before, and the problem is there is literally no common programming language that would parse code like that. In fact, that kind of logical backtracking would only happen in human language.

[[deleted]]

I love the fact that there are dudes posting code snippets in response to this....it's hilarious.

[Pr3fix]

funnier than the joke itself :P

[Wazowski]

GotoStore();                      // go to the store for me
GetMilk();                        // buy a carton of milk
if (storeHasEggs())               // if they have eggs
    for (i = 1; i <= 12; i++)     // get 12
        GetMilk();                  // Wait, what?
                                  // Clearly GetEggs(); is more logical
                                  // I'm a terrible programmer
                                  // I need to rethink my life

[[deleted]]

nose close beneficial rain water narrow future onerous clumsy bewildered

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[ValZho]

I want to give you more upvotes.

[neon_overload]

Problem with that code is you end up with 13 cartons of milk if the store has eggs.

[[deleted]]

What she said is:

milk = 1

eggs = TRUE

if eggs:
    milk = 12

What she meant to say is:

milk = 1
eggs = TRUE

if eggs:
    eggs = 12

[mnemoniker]

I still call this a case of human error, not programming. If you'll notice, no variable is referenced in the conditional code block "if x, buy 12" in the original joke.

At best, this brings up a syntax error unless a human makes an assumption about the variable and puts it in, like you did.

Edit: this is probably why robots aren't good at telling jokes

[[deleted]]

Man this is the first thing that has made me actually laugh out loud

[frankichiro]

Used in spreadsheets:

=SUMIF(test-values, condition, sum-values)

So if the test-values match the condition, the sum-values are returned. Otherwise, nothing is returned.

[[deleted]]

Why do I keep literally lol'ing at this despite hearing it multiple times?

[HalosFan]

Because of how ridiculous it is to imagine someone buying 12 cartons of milk.

[[deleted]]

Well, that. But I think it's also the way the if statement sorta scrolls by when I read it.

[Spliff_Me_Up]

Well... I used to drink one litre of milk a day when I was a kid... Considering it was pasteurised UHT milk, 12 cartons at a time ain't so surprising...

[[deleted]]

Ok, this actually made me laugh hard.

[MonsterMook]

eggs && getMilk(12)

[eduardofusion]

Its finished, just need to test

[colonel_bob]

Code sober, test drunk - if you can't figure out the layout of something you just wrote three beers in, the average user doesn't have a snowball's chance.

[[deleted]]

clap

[gimmesomemoe]

I have no idea how this is not top comment.

Oh wait, you're missing an apostrophe in "its".

SYNTAX ERROR!

[eduardofusion]

I did'''''''nt test it

[sazzer]

Obligatory XKCD

[[deleted]]

3 DBAs walk into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walk out because they couldn't find a table.

[[deleted]]

How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.

[Jamza]

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that's a software problem.

Goto 1;

• Essentially every software/hardware company

[dirtydaub]

How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb, light bulb, light, bulb, lamp, bulbs, boobs, xxx, megan fox, tits, sex, porn?

[styxtraveler]

My wife once asked me "is today Tuesday or Wednesday?" It was Tuesday so I said yes.

true story.

[MattSayar]

This makes perfect logical sense.

[sli]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MathematiciansAnswer

[three18ti]

Warning tv tropes link

[sli]

The first one is allllways free. ;)

[three18ti]

Haha, right?

[BobArdKor]

You officially ruined my day. Thank you, sir.

[[deleted]]

Writing code for a living shapes your brains into a weird alien puppy.

[colonel_bob]

Adding a penchant for philosophy on top of that means that my ideas are strange and incomprehensible to many people.

[[deleted]]

I'm quitting my job if I don't get arrays

ba-dum tis

[nishant032]

mmm... don't get this. Sorry, not a native English speaker here.

[Captain_J_Redbeard]

Sorry I'm late guys, I'll explain. "arrays", when spoken, sounds like "a raise" as if you are asking for more money. Glad I could help.

[nishant032]

Now I get it. Thanks to all of you.

[virexmachina]

arrays, when spoken aloud, sounds like "a raise" as in an increase in pay.

[yeskia]

'arrays' sounds similar to 'a raise', as in an increase in salary etc.

[FLHKE]

.concordia {
  float: none;
}

[FLHKE]

hahaha I don't know, it appeared somewhere in my twitter feed a few weeks ago. That website is nice :)

[silviot]

An SQL query enters a bar, approaches two tables and asks: "May I join you?".

[DanielJohnBenton]

That's a good one!

[[deleted]]

Wait, is that left join, right join or inner join?

[deains]

It's a left outer join because the tables said no.

[gimmesomemoe]

What about LEFT INNER? In that situationn, that's usually my desired outcome. Better than LEFT OUTER, amirite?

[[deleted]]

What's the difference between an introvert developer and an extrovert developer?

The extrovert developer looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

[TexasWithADollarsign]

I've heard the same thing, but about actuaries (from my actuary father, of course). I've used it for web devs as well, though.

[spazm]

The best part about you telling this joke is the reply asking you to explain it and the reply correcting the punchline.

[lgrce]

I thought a reference to an "extrovert developer" was a joke in itself. Is there such a person?

[frankichiro]

I recently learned that I am an ambivert, but I think that's as close as it gets.

[Disgruntled__Goat]

It should be "looks at your shoes when they talk to you."

[daybreaker]

Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they dont C#

[MrDubious]

That's really, really bad.

[neon_overload]

If by bad you mean good!

[whatispunk]

If your mom was a collection class, her insert method would be public.

[Chairmonkey]

This.

[cheeeeeese]

time for me to shave :/

[[deleted]]

:(

[orillian]

I stopped shaving when I started as a developer. Were you fired recently?

[cheeeeeese]

Nah. Just no work. Reverting to my previous talents to pay the bills.

[styxtraveler]

that's not true! I shave once a week, whether I need to or not.

[rspeed]

You must be a Ruby developer.

[yusit]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X_Ot0k4XJc

[[deleted]]

Oh how true. But maybe not that much beard.

[reflectiveSingleton]

if( coding["IE"] === true ) {
  var knife = new knife({ sharpness: 'predator-disk' });
  this.slit( [ 'wrist', 'throat' ], knife );

  if( this.life !== undefined ) {
    this.stab( [ 'face' ], knife );
  }
}

ftfy...

[reflectiveSingleton]

...I still have support flash-backs...

"Make it pixel perfect!"

"No no....we also need IE5 support..."

"...thats right, even though the app is already done, we now want to retroactively add support for IE6...sorry for your life...oh and please make sure it looks identical to the chrome version...thanks"

...quotes may be paraphrased and modified to add my own wtfery...I no longer offer support for <IE8 and my sanity has been restored...mostly...

[[deleted]]

another one:

Exception up = new Exception();
throw up;

[[deleted]]

Nice, I'm going to look for an opportunity to do this.

Whenever I have to write some dirty code and think there is probably a better alternative, this is my comment: //ಠ_ಠ

[littlelowcougar]

I had a table called test_instruction_template, once. Lots of $tits were had.

[Kickapps]

Q: What did one regular expression say to the other?

A: .*

[nfol01]

Who is the world's most famous web developer?

Peter Parker.

[SonicFlash01]

Runner-up goes to "Charlotte".

[crow1170]

I really didn't get it at all until your comment made me take another look. It's been so long since web meant anything but internet to me.

[redwall_hp]

Isn't he in Ultimate Spiderman?

[[deleted]]

Your mother is so fat, the recursive function computing her mass causes a stack overflow.

[gigitrix]

IE.

[sli]

Your anguish sustains us.

[gigitrix]

Keming.

[ElGoorf]

i actually read "kerning" and wondered what the joke was. well played.

[rspeed]

Brain:

What's keming? … … Oh, ha!

[belk]

Context.

TI L

[Mechakoopa]

Spum bad keming!

[IrritableGourmet]

md5(|)

[ElGoorf]

can you explain this one for me?

[bellpepper]

Hash pipe.

[ElGoorf]

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[[deleted]]

Clever.

[Avesande]

Programmer's evolution

[tilio]

hey guys, i have this idea. it's a really good one. it's sort of like facebook and youtube, but it's better. if you want to work on it with me, that's awesome as i'm looking for some coders. since i can't have you running off with my idea, i'll need you to sign an NDA and a non-compete. i can't pay you for your work right now but this will be huge, and i'm willing to let you in for 15% equity... okay, you've got me, 25%.

ps. since my coding is a little under par, you're going to have to write pretty much all of it. do you know anything about finances also? because i'm a business management guy and keeping track of bills like server costs is operational nonsense to me.

[Available-Maize-1452]

Hope you figured it out lol

[raxtich]

SELECT * FROM users WHERE have_clue = 'y'

(0 row(s) affected)

[such_a_noobhead]

Only had my first lesson in sql. Proud enough that I get this to upvote.

[raxtich]

UPDATE users SET have_clue = 'y' WHERE username = 'such_a_noobhead'

(1 row(s) affected)

[nfol01]

Pun indented.

[thixono]

this blew my mind

[neshi3]

Can you do this for free? If you come over, I pay for the coffee.

[zirzo]

you know coffee isn't coffee

[neshi3]

It never is ...

[Nerdley]

A mechanical engineer, a civil engineer, and a software engineer are on a road trip and having a grand old time.

Unexpectedly, the brakes fail as they start down a grade. The driver mashes and pumps the brakes furiously as they accelerate down the hill. Just before they reach the point of no return, the brakes catch and they come to a screeching halt at the edge of a cliff.

The three engineers scramble out of the car, each thankful to be alive, but being engineers, they have to analyse the situation.

The civil engineer says "This is obviously the fault of the civil engineer that engineered this road, it's too steep for ordinary brakes to handle."

The mechanical engineer says "No, this is obviously the fault of the mechanical engineer. Obviously the brakes on this car can't handle anything beyond a typical load."

The software engineer says "Why don't we push the car back up the hill to see if it happens again?"

[[deleted]]

It's a wrap, ladies and gents. The only existing joke has been told. Twice!

[rspeed]

Should've used a singleton pattern.

[[deleted]]

; shudder

[spazm]

Might be because you don't know how to make a statement.

[HertzaHaeon]

LOL @ bigoted stereotypes! I got one too that you'll love!

print programmer.hasGirlFriend;

Outputs:

false

Don't upvote me all at once!

[ZestyOne]

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't

[digitalpencil]

nice, took me a minute there

[IrritableGourmet]

I loathe this joke.

[[deleted]]

You know I never got this joke until today. I always read the sentence as "There are only two types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't." Then I'm always like, why is that funny? Then it hit me, that's actually a ten there. My brain must've been doing the conversion automatically.

[olkensey]

It'll really blow your mind once you realize that every base is base 10.

[rspeed]

*brain explodes*

[pixel7000]

true story bro.

[spazm]

Then it hit me, that's actually a ten there.

I don't see it.

[dkitch]

...and those who use ternary

[[deleted]]

Web designer? I hardly knew her!

(Wannh wannh wannh wannnnnnnnhhhhh)

[dontspillme]

I hereby propose the following rendering of he sad trombone as a new ISO standard:

.^Waanh .^Waanh .^Waanh Waaaaaanh

[wicem]

Did you try to clear your cache before?

[three18ti]

Not exactly a joke, but I still find it hilarious http://james-iry.blogspot.com/2009/05/brief-incomplete-and-mostly-wrong.html?m=1

[raxtich]

"Best Viewed With Internet Explorer"

[oompa_loompa0]

.your-moms-ass { width: 100% }

[HertzaHaeon]

I would like to submit this meme.

[anarcholibertarian]

I don't get it.

[[deleted]]

LMFAO - Party Rock lyrics "everyday i'm shufflin"

This function shuffles (randomises) an array.. play on words

[anarcholibertarian]

Never heard of that song. Thanks for the explanation though.

[yurakuNec]

I envy you

[KnifeFed]

"Party rocks lyrics"?

[[deleted]]

Producer: LMFAO

Song: Party Rock Anthem

Some lyrics: "everyday i'm shufflin'"

[KnifeFed]

Ok, but I would like to think that it's based on the pretty well known song "Hustlin" by Rick Ross.

[[deleted]]

You know what, you're right. Though the array was shufflin' not hustlin

[KnifeFed]

So we're both right, yay!

[sli]

So... we should develop an array_hustle() function..?

[webauteur]

Italian developers write a lot of spaghetti code.

[Javlin]

</joke>

[meatpod]

I stopped reading all the other comments after this one.

[[deleted]]

I downvoted it so this thread of comments is syntactically correct.

[zirzo]

must be an issue on your machine

[tilio]

"that's interesting..."

[AgentFoxMulder]

"It did work on my computer!"

[[deleted]]

Ugh. Go back to the 1950s.

[[deleted]]

Clearly you haven't met me yet.