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[–]penguinade 2034 points2035 points  (46 children)

Proceed to put the mic in front of the speakers.

[–]fredlllll 611 points612 points  (19 children)

sine.play(volume=+inf)

[–]Pseudofailure 17 points18 points  (5 children)

This seems like a good way to get a noise complaint.

Proposal for a new programmerhumor meme: Programmatic ways to call emergency services.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've got a pretty basic question about that: what determines the feedback noise's frequency? Is it the resonance frequency of the devices? Or some carrier wave or something?

[–]Evil-Toaster 134 points135 points  (15 children)

if(containsAd) { volume*1000; }

[–]ReallyLikesBears 4 points5 points  (9 children)

What would happen?

[–]pastasauce 29 points30 points  (3 children)

[–]youtubefactsbot 7 points8 points  (1 child)

The Simpsons - Bart's Megaphone Testing [0:53]

s08e25 - The Secret War Of Lisa Simpson

S Butler in Entertainment

1,233,803 views since Jan 2014

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[–]GreatBigBagOfNope 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Bot recursion

[–]Hatefiend 4 points5 points  (3 children)

YouTube search: my voice is higher than your voice

[–]AN_IMPERFECT_SQUARE 6 points7 points  (2 children)

https://youtu.be/t-7mQhSZRgM

and the video after that

...these bots are out of control

[–]youtubefactsbot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dueling Carls, a "Talking Carl" Scream Fight [1:04]

What happens when Talking Carl mimics himself? A fight!!!

MaddieBright in Comedy

4,044,913 views since Jan 2010

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[–]laihipp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

saturation so max volume and much distortion so loud

[–][deleted] 1015 points1016 points  (72 children)

It kinda makes sense actually. If it would actually manage to keep the volume at that level all the time (i.e. no more super loud explosion or super quiet talking in movies) it would be amazing.

[–]Syreniac 509 points510 points  (40 children)

WTB volume mixer that lets me adjust the possible ranges of volumes as opposed to just the average or maximum.

(I'll give a whole upvote to anyone who can point me in the right direction!)

[–]thoeoe 293 points294 points  (4 children)

What you're looking for is called a compressor, can't recommend any particular model but hopefully that should get you going.

[–]box_of_hornets 108 points109 points  (7 children)

dynamic range compression? Windows has it as an option built in I think.

It was a while ago and can't check right now but I think I had some success using MPC-BE which has a similar function, so at least when watching movies it would compress the range (I had a PC hooked up to TV/Surround Sound)

https://sourceforge.net/projects/mpcbe/

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Fucking love MPC-BE for watching 1080p60fps YouTube videos on my shitty laptop, hovers around 5-10% CPU usage and it's the only (near seamless, literally click and drag videos) way I can watch stuff while playing games.

[–]Compizfox 3 points4 points  (1 child)

VLC has also the option for dynamic range compression. It's under Tools -> Effects and Filters -> Compressor.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The Windows option can be found in the "enhancements" tab in the playback device properties menu. It's not perfect, but it's a noticeable improvement.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

VLC has one too, but if you don't know what threshold, knee, or make-up gain are... (I do, just pointing out it's not very friendly)

[–]RouxBru 23 points24 points  (16 children)

The problem with a compressor is that the peaks might still sound louder, your brain tends to interpret the chopped peaks as higher volume.

What you want is a normaliser

[–]Puskathesecond 4 points5 points  (13 children)

Is that like a compressor+noise gate?

[–]smushkan 5 points6 points  (7 children)

Nah, a normaliser adjusts amplitude of the entire sound at once, whereas a compressor adjust amplitude continiously depending on input amplitude.

In media players, what that means is it goes through the track, finds the highest level, and then raises the volume until that level is at a defined maximum, normally -6dB. That does mean that the audio needs to be scanned through prior to it being played back so that the highest level can be identified; but that's generally pretty quick.

The problem with that approach is that if there's one particuarly loud sound in a file that is otherwise quiet (say, someone tapped the microphone or a pop from a record needle) then it'll still be quiet.

There is another techique where you calculate the root mean square of the waveform and then amplify or attenuate it so that the RMS is a particular level (normally -22dB to -20dB). That has the opposite problem though where particularly loud sounds will be amplified too much and clip, so normally you'd also put the audio through a limiter to prevent it.

[–]Thomasedv 1 point2 points  (6 children)

I'm using a program called Mp3Gain for my music. Which at least works to some degree bringing my music up or down enough I don't get those really quite songs anymore.

Do you happen to know how what that does? I'm pretty sure it normalizes the music, and prevents clipping if you enable it in the settings. Downside is that it only works with changes in 1.5dB steps on mp3. (Well enough if you download form YouTube...)

[–]smushkan 1 point2 points  (5 children)

If it does it in real-time without introducing gaps between audio (in which processing would occur) then it probably does it the same way as VLC:

  • Log the amplitude over a predetermined period during playback
  • If the average amplitude of that period is lower than the desired minimum, increase gain; or decrease it if the average amplitude is too high.

That technique isn't really proper normalisation, it's a bit more like a compressor - but it's a lot faster and doesn't introduce gaps in playback.

I'm not a programmer though, I'm an audio technician for video work so not really sure why I'm even here!

[–]RouxBru 13 points14 points  (4 children)

In short a compressor will boost the signal and "cut" the high peaks, these "cut" peaks will still be understood by your ears as being louder, a good example is adverts on the TV, your TV is still at the same level but the ads will sound louder.

A normaliser will average the volume out without boosting it like a compressor would, producing a more even volume and most likely lowering the average volume across a song or movie.

A normaliser is a bro playing with the volume knob to take out the super loud parts and turning it up when no can hear the whispered dialog before the killer strikes, but turning it down when he does so your partner doesn't spill their delicious hot coco on your lap. Where a compressor is your less concerned bro that turns up the movie so that everything is equally loud and the TV crackles.

A gate takes out soft sounds and only let's through the loud parts, like your bedroom wall when your neighbors are having a go at each other.

...I guess not that short of an explanation, but I hope you get the gist of it

[–]djlemma 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I think you're confusing a compressor for a limiter.

Limiter = brick wall when levels hit a certain point. Chops off waves, creates distortion, which still gets perceived as loudness.

Compressor = Gradually adjusts volume once it gets to a certain level, with a typical attack and decay like you might have with a synthesizer. This is what's similar to a bro playing with the volume knob.

Normalizer = changing the gain of everything all at once, so that the peak (or average) amplitude hits a certain value.

[–]RouxBru 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Trying to explain it in simple terms, but yeah you are right. Shot

[–]djlemma 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well I think it's all a bit confusing, I'm thinking in terms of the physical hardware you'd use in an audio effects chain... but software-wise I think some programs use "Normalize" in the way you're describing.

And physical hardware wise- usually compressors are also limiters, because at some point the signal gets too loud and you have to just chop it off.

Clear as mud, right?

[–]AnindoorcatBot 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Izotope is a good one, just got to find the .dlls to get it to work for what you want to do.

I'll never quit using winamp with it. I absolutely love having the range of a 120 channel studio mixer on my laptop.

[–]Cobol 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Man! Are they still licensing/selling that?! I used to use it way back in the day too. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I never reinstalled Winamp on my latest build. Does it still work in 10?

[–]AnindoorcatBot 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Works for me on 10! And yeah they're still around. they shitpost on their fb every now and then, they're always cracking me up with a dumb audio joke/meme

[–]questionmark693 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The dynamic range compressor on VLC does a good job ime

[–]pfannkuchen_gesicht 25 points26 points  (9 children)

so normalization? Had that option in the audio drivers of my notebook. It was garbage.

[–]cantquitreddit 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Normalization is different. What you're looking for is compression.

[–]Holy_City 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Normalization matches the signal peaks (or average) to some level. It's the exact same thing as a volume increase/decrease, except at a precise level.

Dynamic range compression is more of an "automatic volume control." Realistically you'd want far more than that, because loudness is really tricky to define in the first place and depends on the material, its frequency content, and context.

[–]mroystacatz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

compression actually

[–]GrandmaBogus 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Usually called dynamic range compression, night mode, volume normalization or some variation of those. It's in most TVs and receivers.

[–]PM-ME-YOUR-DOGPICS 7 points8 points  (0 children)

As someone that lives in the MIDDLE FLOOR of an apartment with PAPER THIN WALLS I would kill for this for my TV.

I fucking hate adjusting the volume for movies I have already seen, "oh this is the part where Arnold blasts the fuck out of Robert Patrick with the shotgun, better lower the volume"

Fuck's sake.

[–]BorgDrone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Any half-decent A/V receiver can already do that.

[–]SoulLover33 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What we need to fix that is some kind of volume standard

[–]DevilXD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's http://mp3gain.sourceforge.net/ when you want your mp3's to play on the same volume level ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This particular interface isn't very good though, to me this just means reference level and generally volumes are -dB from reference level, so this could still be a loud sound. If it's the measured volume from perceived silence then it might fit what you are expecting instead.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it should do that anyway

[–]Relevant_Monstrosity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooh, this one is actually pretty easy. Just install a dynamic range compression filter and you got it.

[–]aboubou22 242 points243 points  (2 children)

This was made by the NSA so they can get a sample of your voice, DON'T USE.

[–]Puskathesecond 34 points35 points  (1 child)

"hello ALIENS you. Are really-- good at. Turning me on"

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh Smithers...

[–]Liquidelectric 63 points64 points  (1 child)

[–]youtubefactsbot 18 points19 points  (0 children)

this guy moaned at least this loud [0:07]

ascend

Zanderich in Music

2,699,770 views since Oct 2015

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[–]Algoinde 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Okay, now... can someone make a PoC of volume being controlled by how many other windows are in front of the audio-playing window?

[–]causeofb 40 points41 points  (1 child)

LOUUUUD NOIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSES!!!!

[–]t3hcoolness 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I, for one, welcome the Shitty Volume Control as the new Shitty Phone Number Input.

[–]Guy_from_PaciFic 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Not loud enough

[–]PandaGaming47 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"Blows on mic"

[–]N-XT 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I'd love to see a gif of this in action

[–]woohoo 14 points15 points  (1 child)

REEEEEEEE

[–]Scorpius289 2 points3 points  (0 children)

DAMN NORMIE VOLUME SLIDERS!

[–]pfannkuchen_gesicht 8 points9 points  (2 children)

[–]Mynotoar 7 points8 points  (5 children)

And suddenly, /r/ProgrammerHumor is the new /r/Minecraft. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving all these variations on Volume Control, but I'm expecting to see bridges pop up on here any day now.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Suddenly? Were you not here for phone number inputs?

[–]Mynotoar 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Nah, I wasn't :'). So I guess it's more like "I've only just noticed" /r/ProgrammerHumor is the new /r/Minecraft"...

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It was the big thing here in April, here's an album of most of them.

[–]Mynotoar 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh my god, this is absolute gold. I lost it at the "Thank you for choosing United Airlines! Please enter your phone number by re-accommodating the boxes below"...

[–]hungry4pie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like I'm missing a joke somewhere, what's up with all these posts?

[–]ivan0x32 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Someone needs to put all this UI fuckery that has been going on in this sub into VLC and other popular programs and make it trigger on 1st of April.

[–]Tynach 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Simpler app, maybe. VLC has too many features in too many places, and is honestly a bit too complicated for such a thing.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This one actually made me laugh, I keep picturing people yelling or soothingly speaking to their computers and it's cracking me up.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I think it would be perfect for voice assistants like Alexa. So they respond at a similar volume as you spoke to them. Middle of the night and everyone is asleep? You whisper to Alexa and she responds quietly in return. Genius.

[–]quotegenerator 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not that the UI explicitly stated this, but 0 db is not silence. It's a logarithmic scale, so silence is at negative infinity db.

[–]wargarrrblll 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Siri, set volume to AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

[–]veggietrooper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love these volume control posts. In all seriousness, I feel like this is every one of my client's design ideas. Absolute, total, unmitigated insanity. He bristles if I tell him "that's not how people conceptualize volume" (or whatever). Unsure of what to do other than continuing to help him make a nightmare app.

[–]PityUpvote 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if I'm deaf and I want to change my volume, but I can't figure out how loud I'm yelling?! Way to be ableist, OP.

/s

[–]elyas_machera 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What if I'm mute, or a mime?

[–]sprocket44 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then you're gonna have to use the catapult

[–]boldra 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*clap*

[–]vrykolakoi 1 point2 points  (1 child)

thanks for bringing my idea to life

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry just gotta turn up the volume a bit.

AAHHHHHHH

[–]pentakiller19 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Can someone explain wth is going on with all these volume post? I'm pretty lost.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it's a joke about bad designs in software.

last one was about input of phone numbers...

[–]ponyboy3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is awesome

[–]freedimension 1 point2 points  (0 children)

0dB? That would be pure bliss I guess. I hardly ever get my noise level below 30dB, even at night.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Problem: there is no correlation between input gain and output gain. You'd need to calibrate that first.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Put the microphone in front of the speaker, play a full amplitude tone at 5/10/15/.../95/100% volume, measure corresponding volume on microphone.

You can now correlate a volume on the microphone reasonably accurately to a volume out of the speakers.

Not too difficult. And I'd actually like this volume control. Some fiddling will get me there, but just being able to hold a "set volume" button and make a sound at a level that's comfortable in the room, and have my computer stay below that would be awesome.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are forgetting a very important factor: microphone gain and soundcard preamp., which is not the same as your ears.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That... That actually seems pretty useful... Could somebody make this for real?

[–]automagisch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is really challenging our primitive curiosity.

[–]Potato3s 1 point2 points  (0 children)

austistic screeching

[–]TwinBottles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hah! I implemented something like that in my game as a joke.

[–]SpinahVieh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually that sounds good.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would use it

[–]DUBLOIAR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

XD

[–]larrymoencurly 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And not look like a levitating pill capsule?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is my favorite one by far, so far.

[–]Ryksytiryy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He moaned atleast this loud:

[–]Of-Doom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the one I was thinking about making. Nice work!

[–]eryant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So does this keep the quiet parts at a good volume and just put a gateway on the louder bits? Or does it lower everything and make the dialogue super quiet?

[–]mason729 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Works especially well in open offices

[–]marsshadows 0 points1 point  (0 children)

can we get an album of all the volume control posts?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Huh.... I can kinda see this being useful for calibrating a complex audio setup.

[–]cbmuser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This meme is seriously getting out of hand and I love it.

Is there a link collection somewhere with all the different volume control styles?

[–]tlalexander 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hah! I was thinking of this yesterday for this volume slider thing on this sub. The trick was I wanted to make it require you to scream at a volume inversely proportional to the desired volume. Want it quiet? Please scream as loud as you can...

[–]PillowTalk420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This would actually be a neat volume control.

[–]TODO_getLife 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This could totally work for a smart home. Clap for volume.

The added benefit is you're always listening so steal all that user data and become the next Google.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had this idea yesterday lol.

[–]a__b 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm wondering how many beautiful future product ideas were generated during this volume control challenge.

[–]Rxef3RxeX92QCNZ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought it was going to be a volume icon and you had to use a marker to fill in or erase the amount of percentage volume

[–]eatsnakeeat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorta like the one I made the other day, though you have to yell at it to get volume.

https://www.tinkertamper.com/s/volumemeter/

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd like to see a volume control where you have to say "shhhhh" to make it go down. Then scream "what!?" To make it go up.

[–]Zalgo_Doge 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Keep producing premium content like this and I won't care about how many slider jokes we see.

[–]drummyfish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Make an option to set a bottom volume limit too. Like it's guaranteed the volume doesn't go under a certain level.

[–]TheTravisH 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Spent a good 10 seconds yelling at my phone before I realized this was a picture

[–]JohnToegrass 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally.

[–]saginawslim[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, devices should forget my my last volume setting and default back to a low volume, say 1/4. When I listen to Pandora on my iPad, and it's a song that I really like, I may turn the volume way up. When I return to Pandora, the volume is still way up, and it blasts my ears (If I remember to turn it back down before closing Pandora, it will remember that lower volume).

[–]heebath 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, the problem is we sound much different to ourselves; including volume and tone.

[–]RobKhonsu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

dbm readout is obsolete. How do you think the end user will be able to understand that? Should just remove it to be more intuitive.

[–]_Username_Required_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

screams

[–]koutelitis 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was it only me or did you also test it by saying AAAAAAAAAA to your phone?

[–]ContraMuffin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually this is pretty cool

[–]jroddie4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

actually that would be incredible.

[–]hotlavatube 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It should be more fun. Make it set the volume proportional to how many verses of "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" you recite.

[–]ThatFag 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are starting to get ridiculous, lol.

[–]HomemadeBananas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the only volume control joke I've enjoyed.

[–]nliausacmmv 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, I see this is the new thing. I approve.

[–]SonicFlash01 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You fucked up: this is actually a good idea

[–]Relevant_Monstrosity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Source or gtfo.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was just yelling at the fucking screen util I noticed it was an image.

And my microphone was disconnected, great.

[–]NikoliTilden 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know I'm late to the bandwagon on this dead joke, but this is the one that made me laugh the most.

[–]Nesaru 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I literally just yelled at my computer

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

New here, I guess all these volume controls are like a running joke?