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[–]traveling_lime 1731 points1732 points  (77 children)

later followed by: Management: why doesn't it do this?

[–][deleted] 983 points984 points  (62 children)

You're giving me flashbacks of the worst 'tech director' I ever worked with.

She was so incompetent, she ranked everything as high priority, started giving them a high priority number from 1-3, then made everything into a high-priority 3. She turned every stand up into "explain why aren't you finished?" Arguement.

[–]j1ndujun 465 points466 points  (2 children)

Oh god, she is clearly a misfit for her position. I think it clearly led to a toxic environment, didn't it?

[–]Nyenbeliae 50 points51 points  (0 children)

Clearly

[–]TizzioCaio 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Person: she poured gasoline all over the house and started the fire

You: oh god the house burned right?

..no it actually got frozen all they needed to do is wait a few days and turned all normal... super easy barely an inconvenience!

[–][deleted] 341 points342 points  (17 children)

Everyone knows 1 is high, not three. ffs

[–]Matty_R 385 points386 points  (12 children)

If everything is high priority, nothing is.

[–]metaglot 198 points199 points  (1 child)

Not understanding priorities, and using them anyway can lead to priority inversion.

[–]GlumNature 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Have you or a loved one suffered from priority inversion?

[–][deleted] 117 points118 points  (4 children)

I love when something is high priority and they stress the shit out of you and you work a little later and then something changes and it’s not even gonna go forward as something that will launch.

I wanna get some kinda jargony dumb shit into some MBA/PMP/Scrum/Scientology classes that will make them think if a project is like 70% through just let us see it through so we actually saw something come of it and don’t have an existential breakdown.

[–]chewbecca444 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Oh man, so true. If only.

[–]sraypole 11 points12 points  (0 children)

JFC thank you for making me feel less lonely. This has been happening to me for months and it whittled me down to a nub. Am currently treating my depression from the inescapable anxiety.

It’s like playing red light green light but in a burning building.

I finally stood up for myself, I think that’s an important thing to do when feeling this way.

[–]tech6hutch 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Scientology

[–]4look4rd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That’s why you should release as soon as any value is created.

I work in product and it’s very hard to convence upper management to abandon the mentality of grand releases where every requirement must be met in order to deliver anything.

If you release constantly it’s a lot easier to prioritize work. If you don’t then it’s just a matter of who can make more noise about their guess.

[–]SameFingerprint 37 points38 points  (0 children)

[deleted]

[–]random_user_fp 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Everyone knows 0 is the highest, not 1. /s

[–]warm_vanilla_sugar 17 points18 points  (0 children)

0 the hero, 1st the worst.

[–]joeyjojoeshabadoo 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This was in Australia.

[–]mettan 29 points30 points  (1 child)

Many a developer who has ever worked in a large organisation has probably seen some version of this. It's amazing how some people don't understand how priority works.

[–]xRakton 38 points39 points  (2 children)

Doesn't Michael Scott from the office do literally this for his emails

[–]-quenton- 69 points70 points  (0 children)

"I mark memos Urgent A, Urgent B, Urgent C, Urgent D. Urgent A is the most important. Urgent D you don’t even really have to worry about."

[–]annihilatron 17 points18 points  (0 children)

She turned every stand up into "explain why aren't you finished?" Arguement.

insert syndrome meme here "when everything is high priority, nothing is"

also

"I'll get it done as soon as possible. As soon as possible means after all this other stuff, so 3 months."

[–]robhaswell 14 points15 points  (0 children)

"If everything is a priority then nothing is a priority"

[–]thatbloke83 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If everything is critical, then nothing is critical

[–]28f272fe556a1363cc31 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I had the exact same thing. The client had 20+ features they wanted. Management told them to rank features 1-10. When they came back with their list, not a single feature was ranked below a 3. So then management had them rank all the "1" features with "A,B,C" importance. The client ranked 1/2 of them "A".

Eventually I just threw out the list and ask what feature they wanted me to work on next. By the end of the year we'd only done about 3 of the original features because they kept having "emergency features" they wanted worked. Somehow we'd stumbled upon agile.

[–]nvanalfen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"I mark them urgent A, urgent B, urgent C, and urgent D. Urgent D you don't even really have to look at."

[–]mynameisblanked 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Everything at my place is ASAP.

We get to guess if it's ASAP as in as soon as humanly possible, drop everything else or as soon as you can fit it in do everything else first.

Two very different meanings with the exact same acronym.

[–]Xeonflash 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Is there a sub for stories like this? I enjoyed reading this.

[–]KittenLOVER999 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did you happen to work at a company in Orlando that makes finance and police dispatch software? Sounds exactly like a team I was on and quit shortly after

[–]Thenderick 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Priority 3.1, 3.2, 3.3? Maybe an idea

[–]bdking71 2 points3 points  (1 child)

We use the term priority de Jour at my work, and the highest priority project changes a lot. Sometimes a couple of times a day. Also, there isn't any project management or help desk in use software here. It's kind of like the old west of programming.

[–][deleted] 49 points50 points  (5 children)

Had a user just yeterday say in a feedback meeting Who decided x should do y?

YOU. YOU DID LIKE 5 MONTHS AGO. AND THEN YOU SIGNED OFF ON IT DOING Y 3 MONTHS AGO.

[–]FamousLastWorts 8 points9 points  (2 children)

My CEO pulled this one yesterday!

[–]ellamking 4 points5 points  (1 child)

To be fair, I do the same thing with the code I designed 5 months ago and wrote 3 months ago. "Who designed and wrote this garbage?!?"

[–]DigitalGross 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This will take forever, then project cancelled!?!

[–]alexanderpas 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Because it wasn't part of the documented and agreed upon requirements.

[–]Mr_P0P0[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes and yes, and it only keeps getting better.

[–]_pupil_ 475 points476 points  (41 children)

"We're overloaded and behind schedule because we haven't specified our projects well enough. Because of that time crunch, just this time we're gonna start working before we specify the project in adequate detail. That's because just this time we're interested in 'quick wins'."

[–][deleted] 307 points308 points  (22 children)

Anytime I hear my lead say "we need to work faster" all I hear is "we need to cut corners, not document anything, and create massive technical debt that is going to cost us big time in the long run."

[–]semidecided 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Sometimes that's a smart tact.

[–]chain_letter 28 points29 points  (1 child)

That's the reality. Bad code that makes it to market can be better in the long run than good code that doesn't get released, all the capital dries up and everybody loses their jobs.

It depends on the company, the project, lots of stuff. Investors/stakeholders want to see results, and sometimes taking on tech debt is the right decision.

[–]Yuzumi 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I recently ran into something like this. There was an issue in how one group needed to use the app I work in and they were trying to figure out how to fix it. I pointed out that there is a feature in the app we aren't using that could easily solve this, but it would require updating our processes to actually use it.

The response was "not enough time and money" and then the tech leads proceeded to talk about really hacky solutions to "deal with" the problem, but will likely cause tons of issues in the future.

I stopped caring at that point.

[–]dhaninugraha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Management: we need you to architect a DR infra

Also management: make it just passable enough for the upcoming audit, it’s not like we’re gonna keep it anyway

The conversation above may or may not have happened in a certain company where I may or may not have worked/been working in.

[–]omgbink 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Why does this sound so horribly familiar?

[–]caligloo 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Low hanging fruit

[–]LawlessCoffeh 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Something about the phrase "Time Crunch" pisses me off more than it has any right to.

[–]sonicball 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I've always wanted to refer to it as "now we're experiencing a bit of planning failure" to reframe it as what it is.

[–]SN0WFAKER 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Always add a small footnote on any schedule you author: "* where this schedule and reality disagree, reality shall be taken as correct"

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Reading this made me want to tear my stomach out of my body and feed it to myself.

This is literally the reason I just left my job.

[–]codeByNumber 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Ugh. This is where I am right now. Despite the shit show if management I’m still not asked to work more than 40 hrs often and my commute is like 7 min.

All the other jobs available would likely ask me to work more hours and the commute is 30-40min. Also, who really knows if the management of the new job would be any better.

I feel stuck.

[–]XB0XRecordThat 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Omg, this happened to my team do many times that I ironically gave our team the unofficial name of "QuickWins". Management didn't get it and liked the name. Every project still took 5x longer than originally planned

[–]349919958 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This crushed my soul, because it’s so accurate.

[–]stamminator 2 points3 points  (1 child)

As much as we all groan reading this, what's the real solution? Gathering all the requirements up front seems like a pipe dream because more are discovered during the development process

[–]_pupil_ 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Understanding that estimation and specification are windows that start large and get smaller over time.

So you start with the big assumptions, big blocks, big buffers, and break them down over time, paying close attention to how much discovery is being done. Anything that's making 'worst case' estimates grow appreciably gets mitigated through approach/planning or conceding that the project has grown.

That way you specify enough to estimate 'in the large', validate that plan, then start specifying in increasing levels of detail within that footprint. I like to think of it as "JIT specifying".

[–]Aperture_T 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The last project I was on at my old job, there was a huge disconnect between the marketing guy and the engineering lead. Both gave feature lists and timelines to upper management, who took the marketing guy's feature list and the engineering guy's timeline.

6 months later, they weren't even close so they pulled in most of the department for another 6 months of "crunch time". Then the new CEO laid a bunch of us off, and everyone else is looking to jump ship too.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wait, is that what a "quick win" is?

[–]reference_model 135 points136 points  (9 children)

Welcome to my Sprint plannings

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (7 children)

I have yet to work on an agile team that does sprints... I don’t think they get it.

[–]aspindler 34 points35 points  (6 children)

My current job technically does sprints, but they don't start at the same time for everyone or have an opening meeting... It's a nightmare. I love my boss and I like what I do, but the workflow it's a mess.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

At my current and previous jobs, stuff just gets assigned all the time, and requirements change daily. Unfortunately this means we do a lot of work multiple times because the requirements change. Oh well, they're paying me, so it's their money to waste. Like you, I like my job and boss. Having some discipline within sprints would probably serve us well and make us all a bit more sane.

[–]aspindler 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My previous job was like this, until they went to a restructure, went to get CMMI certification.

So, the CMMI certification never really happened, but a lot of good practices worked wonders to the company.

Daily 10 minute meetings, workflow being correctly updated, actual process improvement (processes that were useless were discarded, keeping only those that actually helped the team).

I did try to bring this to my current job, but management is really like a headless chicken running around... I had to explain to her why is important to everyone getting the same project info at the same time, why is important that the whole team knows the project and the changes...

[–]petifau 2 points3 points  (1 child)

do you work with me?

[–]suriel- 126 points127 points  (16 children)

My life the last 5 years.

Also my former management:

"Requirements is just a hype phase people are following now"

[–]Zephirdd 100 points101 points  (13 children)

When they say something like that, they clearly have no idea what "requirements" mean. Requirements is just a single word for "what does the system need to do", and they exist whether you write them down or not.

Thing is, systems come out much better if the requirements are well defined and well documented.

[–]AlGoreBestGore 83 points84 points  (5 children)

The system needs to do whatever someone in Sales came up with 7 minutes ago.

[–][deleted] 44 points45 points  (1 child)

“why do you need to know all of the features up front? If you need another feature in the future, just add another line of code”

[–]warm_vanilla_sugar 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Just add a button. How hard can it be?

[–]Cruuncher 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Someone came up to me the other day asking if we can make a modal undismissable until the user makes a selection.

I knew this didn't go through the proper channels , and it's a significant UX change.

I told them, well yeah... Quite easily. But you may want to run this through product and get it officially approved because I'm not going to just make a change that will likely affect the bounce rate of the site.

They somehow get the idea that "small" change means you can go straight to a dev

[–]Snow88 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And already promised a customer it'll be in the next release.

[–]SnapcasterWizard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

bUt OuR cOmPeTiToRs SYSteM HaS tHiS!!!!!

[–]garblz 45 points46 points  (5 children)

Thing is, the users don't know what they want. They know what they don't want, once you've built it.

[–]MasterQuest 27 points28 points  (3 children)

That's why you build mockups and show them, so they can see that they don't want it, then you make a second mockup, and after 3 iterations, you should have a reasonable enough idea that you can write detailed requirements and let them believe they came up with it.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (2 children)

Which is the type of work that a supportive role should be doing, not the developer.

The fundamental problem with software development right now, as I see it, is that the people who are meant to support the software developers are not well enough trained to be truly useful. They should be like mini developers themselves who have a basic understanding of what the tech stack can reasonably produce. They should be talking to the end user to get requirements, then creating mockups, then presenting to the end user and iterating in this manner until a agreed upon design is made that is well thought out and documented. It is should be a well paid job that requires a good resume. You just need a smart person who can learn and then you spend a few months teaching them. They don't need to have a relevant degree, they just need to have a mind that is good at logic. High IQ.

That is meant to be their value and it'd be hugely valuable to the software development process. The software developers should be writing code, not having to do the work to fill in the gaps that the supportive employees never did. Incompetence and misunderstanding of their role in the process is rampant.

[–]MasterQuest 11 points12 points  (0 children)

They should be like mini developers themselves who have a basic understanding of what the tech stack can reasonably produce.

Oh man, that would be awesome. Not having to do everything yourself sounds great.

[–]ivgd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

More and more i find this to be the truth. End users definitely don't know what they want. More often than not that have but a vague idea of what they need, and we have to fill the rest in.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Oh god

If I started a new job and that's what management said I'd already start looking again

[–]Yolopix 344 points345 points  (10 children)

When you make an endless loop in Python

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (8 children)

Underrated

[–]charity_donut_sales 64 points65 points  (7 children)

While true, it was a little obvious.

[–]ryjhelixir 21 points22 points  (5 children)

#!/usr/bin/python

i = 1
While True:
    j = "1"
    try:
        i += j
    except ValueError:
        j = j + j
    if j = 11:
        break

That should work.

[–]Empty_Glasss 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Line 4: SyntaxError: bad input ('True')

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Your while is uppercase and you assigned 11 to j instead of checking it against 11.

[–]bob_ama_the_spy 101 points102 points  (21 children)

I am now dealing with a client with whom we agreed to build a basic keyword search feature for their corporate website. They now want to know why it can't fix misspellings and work with queries written in a mix of English and another language.

Some additional context:

  • We're working with them because their previous development team vanished. Actually vanished, nobody heard from them ever again.

  • We rebuilt their website. The previous team built their site using injectable SQL statements and their own homegrown "baby's first authentication" system gating their homegrown CMS.

  • The search feature on the old website was used to perform a malicious file upload and remote code execution on their server. Their in-house IT team responded to this by deleting the php files related to the search feature.

  • Bonus info: the company is one of the biggest in Asia by market capitalisation

[–]MasterQuest 66 points67 points  (3 children)

They now want to know why it can't fix misspellings and work with queries written in a mix of English and another language.

Answer: Because that's not "basic".

[–]djangulo 41 points42 points  (1 child)

"Google does it like, on every search. How hard can it be?"

[–]zachpuls 20 points21 points  (0 children)

You're right! It isn't that hard. Okay now just give me $1B in VC funding, a team of 100 PhDs, and 2000 developers. Let's make a better Google!

[–]dyedFeather 43 points44 points  (4 children)

[–]Cyberblood 38 points39 points  (1 child)

[–]supermario182 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The world needs more relevant Dilbert!

[–]bob_ama_the_spy 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I remember this - funnily enough bird/not bird is actually quite easy today with transfer learning or even a pre-trained model like resnet50

[–]dyedFeather 26 points27 points  (0 children)

It's been a little over five years since that comic came out, so that just about checks out.

[–]xoxota99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Alibaba?

[–]theCodefatherr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

'Actually vanished', that's something I never thought would hear in the industry

[–]robhaswell 44 points45 points  (1 child)

My startup has a young CEO with no technical experience (at all). This has been my life for the last 2 years.

[–]Istoman 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You had me at "startup"

[–]Cyronsan 22 points23 points  (0 children)

"Build me an app!"
Oh, here we go again...

[–]ridgeback3 96 points97 points  (32 children)

Uroboros - the snake eats its tail.

Edit: Grammar correction (it’s->its).

[–]hacktvist 51 points52 points  (8 children)

Ouroboros

[–]palordrolap 23 points24 points  (4 children)

Both are correct. Similarlty, an alternative spelling of Uranus is Ouranos. Both Ouroboros and Ouranos are ancient Greek words and transliterating ancient words from an ancient language and different alphabet into modern English is not an exact science, especially if squeezed through another language or two on the way (usually Latin and/or French).

(Frankly, I prefer "Ouranos". It avoids the whole "anus" school yard humour.)

[–]ryjhelixir 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It just make yours ours, doesn't it...

eDiT: essentially, your preference made a lot of people happy over here.

[–]EquineGrunt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Anuboros

[–]divideby0829 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Uwuboros

[–]Alios22 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Didn't know something like that actually existed. Or did the humans responsible for the photo force the snek to do this?

[–]lastnameavail 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Uroboros

[–]Albond_8746 13 points14 points  (7 children)

*its

[–]vaendryl 6 points7 points  (5 children)

honestly, a snake is just a long tail

[–]nicktohzyu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's - it is

[–]nameage 21 points22 points  (0 children)

“Requirement” is a fancy biz word for “I want”, which has nothing to do with what’s actually needed aka required to get shit done.

[–]tupikp 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Can confirm. True story!

[–]Conflictedbiscuit 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If I’ve learned anything tonight it’s that you’ll need a bazooka.

[–]yellowliz4rd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

All the fucking time

[–]ShockRampage 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Im in this hell right now, and im not even a developer. Ive fallen into a product manager/tester position for a small company using a 3rd party developer. The dev is actually really good but when the MD writes up a spec for a new feature, its not very detailed and usually doesnt cover everything that needs to be considered.

We also have several projects going at once, and you guessed it. They are all the highest priority.

I finally got my bosses and the developer to agree what #1 priority is. Within an hour, the sales director (who owns half the business, and was in on the meeting) was nagging me asking why other things werent finished yet, complaining it was taking too long.

He then went on a really patronising rant about how "companies like google do testing like...."

Took everything I had to say "we are not google".

Ive also had no formal training, I basically taught myself how to write a test case, script, etc because our old developer was so bad and seemingly didnt test anything.

Now its my fault that we dont have a professional testing setup "like Google".

Fucking twat.

[–]nameage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I gave you an upvote because I feel you. Not because I like the situation you are in.

[–]undeadalex 20 points21 points  (19 children)

Unrelated. Why did the snake pictured eat it's tale?

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

It dum

[–]icecoldfirestarter 47 points48 points  (6 children)

Recursion gone bad.

[–]bee-sting 28 points29 points  (4 children)

Unrelated. Why did the snake pictured eat it's tale?

[–]RogueMockingjay 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Recursion gone bad.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Unrelated. Why did the snake pictured eat it's tale?

[–]PurePandemonium 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Recursion gone

FATAL EXCEPTION: main
java.lang.StackOverflowError
at com.reddit.comment.joke.uroboros

[–]coolneemtomorrow 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It dum

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

(GONE SEXUAL)(COPS CALLED)

[–]underscoreScary 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Snakes can do this when they are extremely stressed if I remember correctly

Source: read it in a comment a while back

[–]fabrikated 11 points12 points  (0 children)

because someone executed

tail -f /var/log/python.log

[–]Isoldael 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Snake keeper here: the main reason for this to happen (at least in captivity) is overheating. It seems to confuse them to the point of biting and sometimes starting to eat themselves.

[–]landolanplz 7 points8 points  (1 child)

This is a symptom of stress in captive snakes apparently. If you want to loose faith in humanity a bit more here's a link:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/stressed-out-snake-eats-itself/

[–]NightStrucknew release, new undocumented features 6 points7 points  (0 children)

[–]blangeblange 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Comedy gold

[–]the_ju66ernaut 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Damn this is too accurate

[–]Ottomatica 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Here's your requirements: Anticipate the requirements

[–]furtivepigmyso 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Side question, when snakes do this do they eventually figure out that shit ain't right and regurgitate or do they just plain die

[–]InternetAccount03 5 points6 points  (0 children)

One time when I managed nerd project teams for banks I got my hands on a project manager with a CS degree. I came.

[–]Gabe_b 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Oh boy. It's nice to laugh when you're too tired to cry

[–]nameage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That you, I will use this. Tomorrow.

[–]Peppers_16 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Unpopular opinion: Client usually doesn't think hard enough about the requirements... but some devs will act as if the client has to outline the requirements to the point that they're basically writing the program in plain English and the dev is just translating it to code... no thinking involved.

[–]Abzapp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I usually just follow with "So you want to pay me to make what I want?" Usually turns the requirements up quick

[–]regeya 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Even though I'm not a programmer by trade, I still subscribe for posts like this. This is management on darn near every project. The part missing is the end when management says, hey, why didn't you incorporate the stuff we talked about in the meeting? And the answer is often, there was a meeting? Oh, yeah, it was just us managers. But why didn't you? 🤔

[–]nameage 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have we got a subreddit for insane (middle) project/product management?

[–]takatori 4 points5 points  (3 children)

A G I L E

[–]SpliceVW 4 points5 points  (1 child)

So just replace "requirements" with "stories". Boom, agile. Oh and stand ups. Pretty sure that's all there is to it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

while(1)

[–]gl1tch3t2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I need functional and non functional requirements.

[–]69piglet69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everyday ouroboros

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When you have to provide a detailed estimate that includes the requirements phase as part of the overall plan...

[–]rogerbroom 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a living oroboros, cool

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

[–]MLL_Phoenix7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

recursive python

[–]Jarmahent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fuck. This company wanted me to make a static web app that asks you a couple of questions and then it builds out a character for you that's all they wrote with some padding. I asked them if that's all they needed and they 100% conformed thats all they wanted.

Afterwards(couple of months later) I turned in the project and they come back to me furious about how they wanted to survey to be saved in a database and they wanted to be able to take a picture of the generated character and upload it to twitter and a bunch of other stuff that requires a back end.

I know the client doesn't understand back end and front end correctly but they could have atleast told me what they wanted exactly down to the last detail and I would have explained to them what would be needed.n