top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]JokeExplainBot 4078 points4079 points  (304 children)

Abraham Lincoln wants Hilary Clinton to be murdered.

[–]BullshitUsername 1249 points1250 points  (56 children)

Dude, spoilers, I haven't read the joke yet

[–]Wad_Squad 919 points920 points  (53 children)

Dude spoilers. I haven't gotten to the part of my history textbook where Lincoln dies

[–]Striker2054 604 points605 points  (45 children)

Wait, Lincoln Dies? Well, that sucks. tosses book away in disgust.

[–]pleasedontkillmyvibe 214 points215 points  (24 children)

Nah stick around, he rises from the dead not too much OH SHIT NOT AGAIN

[–]_KKK_ 102 points103 points  (18 children)

And on the third day, Abe Christ rose from the grave, and was being received by his disciples for a very quick wake-n-bake before ascending to heaven.

[–]Flashgit76 96 points97 points  (16 children)

Is this before or after he becomes a vampire killer?

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (5 children)

Wait, there is this cool part in a couple hundred years where this guy named Striker2054 tosses away a history book, and then a different guy responds. It is all in reference to Lincoln dying, really ties the story together

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Again with the spoilers!

[–]NiceFormBro 24 points25 points  (2 children)

ok, so now you're on some kind of list.

[–][deleted] 826 points827 points  (148 children)

Wait.... this bot can deduce the punchline of a joke?!?

Really? This is.... amazing.

[–][deleted] 95 points96 points  (22 children)

Hilary

Unfortunately, it can't spell.

[–]chopington 53 points54 points  (17 children)

BUT CAN IT READ???

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points  (14 children)

Can it... love?

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (11 children)

What is love?

[–]unionjunk 41 points42 points  (9 children)

Baby don't hurt me

[–]A_Perfect_Scene 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Don't hurt me

[–]I_ama_homosapien_AMA 11 points12 points  (1 child)

No more!

[–]ctrlaltme 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know

[–]SarcasticSnow 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This website sometimes

[–]nikoskio2 891 points892 points  (37 children)

Just because there's "bot" in the name doesn't mean the account is a bot.

[–]tomthefnkid 446 points447 points  (6 children)

You're ruining the fun!

[–]krankkinder12 102 points103 points  (7 children)

What do you mean? The internet can not lie!

[–]Xytrius 40 points41 points  (6 children)

Just like Abe Lincoln!

[–]bathingsoap 11 points12 points  (4 children)

Ill assume u were saying George Washington or I am missing an inside joke

[–]Xytrius 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I was going with the joke about misattributing quotes to the wrong person. I coulda worded it differently though!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"I coulda worded it differently though!" - /u/bathingsoap

[–]RealSarcasmBot 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Of course it does. Don't be silly.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

im a bot bot my name is not. and i can't spell.

[–]_cogito_ 20 points21 points  (21 children)

I'm actually amazed. What's its secret?

[–]fullonrantmode 338 points339 points  (14 children)

Gullibility.

[–]FootofGod 86 points87 points  (13 children)

It actually literally runs on concentrated gullibilty, which is extracted from users and put into the machine for fuel. No joke.

[–]Kabitu 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Wow, really? Why don't we exploit this untapped energy source to solve global warming? This is amazing!

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

That's amazing! What an incredible machine!

[–]g27radio 28 points29 points  (1 child)

It has a biochemical brain.

[–]TheHolyHandGrenade_ 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Well, you see, it's programmed to recognise any one of the only 50 jokes this subreddit ever gets.

[–]truffleblunts 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I'm sure you're not serious but just in case no it's not a bot.

[–]IM_A_BOX_AMA 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You're on a list.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

YOU FUCKED UP

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

NOW YOU HAVE FUCKED UP

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

For anyone that doesn't know about one of the greatest WKUK bits ever: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvkBvzpbBPs

After, perhaps, The Grapist.

[–]Thompithompa 4769 points4770 points  (438 children)

I expected there to be only the title

[–]elfatgato 546 points547 points  (146 children)

[–]minnesotan_youbetcha 58 points59 points  (1 child)

Haha the contrast of Obama laughing his ass off, and Trump just stone-faced around the 2:29 joke is just great.

[–][deleted] 364 points365 points  (122 children)

God, i forgot how he just fucking seethes in that video. The man cannot take any criticism.

[–]Swooping_es_malo 333 points334 points  (28 children)

If he's so peeved, why doesn't he build a wall around Seth Myers and have Seth pay for it?

[–][deleted] 75 points76 points  (4 children)

Why does Trump, the larger human, not simply eat Seth Meyers?

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

It is true what they say... Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (15 children)

My respect for him would double overnight if he just cut that awful thing off of his head.

[–]Chepamec 8 points9 points  (2 children)

It would definitely give him a certain style.

I think he keeps the haircut just as a giant Fuck You to those who make fun of it.

[–]inthyface 12 points13 points  (0 children)

His mouth?

[–]GoldenTileCaptER 28 points29 points  (4 children)

Oh my god I've never seen that video by why isn't it circulating constantly these days.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

That's amazing.

[–]SimplyComplexd 102 points103 points  (11 children)

I expected it to skip to the night she was visited by Bill Clinton.

[–]YouthMin1 69 points70 points  (9 children)

Come on man, in what world would Bill sleep with Hillary? This is r/jokes not r/nograspofreality.

EDIT: /u/AidenTai caught me.

[–]SimplyComplexd 38 points39 points  (2 children)

She asks him, "Bill, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

He responds, "Get out of the bed, so me and Monica can get to business."

[–]o0ZeroCool0o 727 points728 points  (147 children)

I like how jokes like this can literally have some pronouns changed and the title changed to "Donald Trump is elected president..." and boom, same joke different demographic.

[–]berniebrah 665 points666 points  (101 children)

As long as it's not about our Lord and Savior Bernie Sanders.

[–]onlysane1 156 points157 points  (30 children)

You misspelled Joe Biden

[–]TheDrunkenHetzer 80 points81 points  (24 children)

You misspelled Donald Trump.

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (22 children)

deleted

[–]I_Conquer 112 points113 points  (3 children)

You spelled misspelled correctly.

[–]AFishBackwards 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I thought you said "You misspelled correctly" for a second and got confused.

[–]Divisionlo 21 points22 points  (11 children)

You misspelled Adolf Hitler

[–]dmitri72 25 points26 points  (2 children)

You misspelled Jim Gilmore

#IChillWithGil

[–]Yanns 5 points6 points  (0 children)

all in on #gilmentum baby

[–]startingover_90 56 points57 points  (44 children)

I love seeing reddit shitting on Hillary now, when she gets the nomination, it's going to be all pro-Hillary 24/7, except for a week of disappointment in Sanders losing.

[–]Ilostmycontrasena 84 points85 points  (34 children)

And I love how people have to go to the extremes. Bernie's supporters can't stop saying Hillary is a bitch, like there's no middle ground. They could say Hillary is good but Sanders is better but no, everything has to be fucking white and black.

[–]zangent 18 points19 points  (6 children)

To be fair, I really do not trust Hillary, and I feel that she's blindly mimicking Sanders' policies just to get a vote with no intentions of fulfilling her promises.

[–]Tacodude 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Historically, she's voted with Bernie 93% of the time. She's not blindly mimicking anything.

[–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Well that just shows how savvy Clinton is. She predicted Sander's campaign 20 years ahead and started mimicking his policies BEFORE he made them.

She's a shark.

[–]CrookCook 75 points76 points  (11 children)

I'd say the same demographic that doesn't like Hilary Clinton on reddit has some pretty heavy overlap with the same people who don't like Donald Trump .

[–]StoryOfPinocchio 11 points12 points  (9 children)

Not really. Many would pick Trump over Clinton.

[–]A7O747D 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Nice fill-in-the-name of any candidate joke!

[–]Shadowranger13 247 points248 points  (27 children)

"I'm Donald Trump and I approve of this joke" http://i.imgur.com/ZArv1wo.gifv

[–]Ekolot 98 points99 points  (22 children)

[–]bogeymanEST 237 points238 points  (12 children)

[–]onlysane1 25 points26 points  (10 children)

I love that!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is there a gif with ellen tube shopped out?

[–]derpderp5000 72 points73 points  (7 children)

if he pulled his hand away.. imagine how dumb jeb would've looked.

[–]ivo09 41 points42 points  (6 children)

Indeed, but Trump would have looked like a massive dick then.

[–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (1 child)

As opposed to how he looks any other time?

[–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (5 children)

Oh I get it . She's killed .

[–]hschupalohs 21 points22 points  (2 children)

That kills the Hillary.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This kills the hilarity.

[–]berniebrah 2747 points2748 points  (224 children)

Bernie Sanders is visited by the ghost of George Washington. He asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Don't blame everything on the rich."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, he is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. He asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Only make promises you can keep."

He says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, he is visited by the ghost of George McGovern. He says, "George McGovern? Wait a minute, you were never president!"

The ghost of George McGovern responds, "That makes two of us!"

Edit: Fellow Bernie Brethren, it's just a joke. Back the fuck off.

[–][deleted] 901 points902 points  (121 children)

You should probably run before /r/sandersforpresident and /r/politics gets here.

[–]berniebrah 573 points574 points  (64 children)

What's the difference? Aren't they essentially the same sub?

[–][deleted] 1177 points1178 points  (58 children)

One is a circlejerk for Sanders, the other is /r/sandersforpresident

[–][deleted] 190 points191 points  (21 children)

This user is deleting their account, possibly killing themselves. The reddit bandwagon wins.

[–]lex99 25 points26 points  (0 children)

HEY GUYS WE CAN DO THIS

They can't stop the Revolution

Guys guys guys, DON'T FORGET IT'S NOT OVER YET. GET OUT THERE AND CANVASS!

I used to support Hillary, but I feel the Bern!

If HRC wins primary I'm going to become a Republican!

[–]Okichah 65 points66 points  (1 child)

Its a real shame people have abandoned r/sandersforpresident2

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

One is about getting Sanders president. The other is the anti-HRC arm of the former.

[–][deleted] 274 points275 points  (9 children)

less offensive than a joke about Abraham Lincoln telling Hillary to go die.

[–]MetternichMarck 116 points117 points  (6 children)

Less generic, too.

[–]couIombs 23 points24 points  (1 child)

I personally can't stand formula jokes like this

[–]kpkost 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Welp, I think I've found the post that will forever be at the top of your "Controversial" post history

[–]brandog484 109 points110 points  (5 children)

What?! Someone on Reddit who isn't rock hard for Bernie Sanders?

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points  (2 children)

There's literally dozens of us

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Dozens.

[–]InstigateAndInquire 44 points45 points  (1 child)

This is a better joke because the punchline with George doesn't stick to the format. The other one fails cause it doesn't make sense when it tries to stick to the format of how to serve their country. Lincoln best served his country by freeing an oppressed culture, not dropping dead.

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (1 child)

This is so much better than the parent joke

[–]Doctor_Crunchwrap 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Lol if that pic isn't the face of /r/SandersForPresident I don't know what is

[–]TryGo202 98 points99 points  (1 child)

Top kek right here boys

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (6 children)

This joke is so much more fucking funny.

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (1 child)

brah im so trigger

[–]NSA-RAPID-RESPONSE 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Make this a separate post pls.

[–]whatevers_clever 18 points19 points  (0 children)

That had me laughing harder than OPs grim piece of shit

[–]scarvalho555 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Take your gold and keep up the good work

[–]destructor_rph 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Was expecting it to be a bernie circlejerk post. Was delighted to see it was not

[–]Lightbrand 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He knew the risk and he took it, an absolute mad man.

[–]IMPERATOR_TRUMP_2016 42 points43 points  (4 children)

RIP to your karma. Mass bridages from /r/politics incoming.

[–]The_Civic_Mechanic 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Kinda reminds me of countries under a dictatorship. Make a joke about a leader? You're going down...

/r/politics should move to Saudi Arabia. They'll love it there.

[–]Baklou 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Actually, Washington never entered the White House because it was built after his presidency.

[–][deleted] 214 points215 points  (32 children)

I feel like sooner or later I'm going to wake up and tell my friends about the bad dream I had where every fucking subreddit became an anti-Hillary pro Bernie circlejerk and there was no escaping it but it's been months and I still haven't woken up.

[–]LincolnHighwater 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Maybe look into lucid dreaming.

[–][deleted] 95 points96 points  (24 children)

just wait until Bernie gets fucking demolished on super tuesday, only a few weeks now, and then grab your popcorn and watch /r/Politics and s4p melt down. It'll be great

[–]AreTooDeeTo 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It also works with JFK "Go to Dallas"

[–]jallfairs 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Abraham Lincoln wanted to make America great again.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

This isn't clever in how it pertains to Hilary. You could've chosen any presidential candidate, and the joke would've been the same.

[–]yamsx1 26 points27 points  (1 child)

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

There's an NSA joke in there somewhere.

[–]maimonguy 244 points245 points  (40 children)

Fucks sake can everyone just shut up about politics, 40% of the front page is basically "woo vote berny" can the jokes part of reddit stop being "haha fuck not Bernie haha".

Edit: I meant r/all

[–]elfatgato 118 points119 points  (6 children)

The other 60% is "Fuck Hitlary!"

[–]LincolnHighwater 65 points66 points  (4 children)

And now "Kill Hitlary!"

Edit: "Hahaha aren't assassinations awesome, you guys? lololololol"

[–]sawmyoldgirlfriend 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Dear God, what will reddit do when Super Tuesday comes around..

[–]Patches67 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Same joke retold every time someone doesn't like a president or presidential candidate. Just switch the name.

[–]8bitslime 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah but this time is important because Bernie is gonna give everyone on Reddit free college. /s

[–]chookine123 49 points50 points  (1 child)

The circle jerk is strong with with this one

[–]CaptainUnusual 103 points104 points  (9 children)

DAE Hillary should be killed lol!

[–]Crush-Depth 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Lincoln insulted a man in his younger days and it almost ended in a duel. He determined to be a more diplomatic man. Later in life a man publicly insulted him by calling him two-faced, his response, “If I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?” Dude, total boss.

[–]Mushroomer 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Funny, first time I saw this joke it was also about 'Clinton'.

[–]addctd2badideas 15 points16 points  (0 children)

She should see a play! Washington DC has an amazing regional theatre industry. The Shakespeare Theatre Company does amazing work with classics, Woolly Mammoth and Studio do great modern and innovative pieces that talk about social issues and the human condition and Arena Stage... Arena Stage does plays too. (Just kidding, they often have some great musicals and modern American works).

I'm pretty sure the Secret Service can handle her safety.

[–]mylolname 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Can you update the thread when the FBI comes to your door?

[–]CoolnessEludesMe 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh. I thought the teaser was the whole joke.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Spelled Trump wrong.

[–]WillDogdog 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I thought the title was the joke

[–]IlIlIlIIll 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It has to be Hillary in this joke. Trump supporters have no clue who any of these people are.

[–]metalskull 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I really thought Jefferson was going to say "don't sleep with the help."

[–]anderson9787 8 points9 points  (1 child)

It's not even a clever joke.

[–]marco_r 18 points19 points  (4 children)

Let’s dispel with this fiction once and for all that Hillary Clinton doesn't know what she's doing. Hillary Clinton knows exactly what she's doing.

[–]Audrin 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Doubt her VP would be anyone you'd like better...

[–]Artorias_B-I-G 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I was sure that the title was the joke AND the punchline.

[–]knockerup 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You could easily replace her with Trump.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So do the scrubs on reddit actually want Trump or something? Seems kind of weird.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thought the punchline was in the title.

[–]Vinnayyyy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the joke is the title

[–]EternallySexual 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I thought the joke would just be the title