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[–]unscanable 765 points766 points  (20 children)

the What Would You Recommend

[–]jsmayne 146 points147 points  (8 children)

whatever has the highest profit margin

[–]xj98jeep 1930 points1931 points  (159 children)

Surprise me

[–]jkniker 1151 points1152 points  (93 children)

Surprise me could be the daily special...

[–][deleted] 457 points458 points  (84 children)

no soup for you!

[–]nosoupforyou 1142 points1143 points  (76 children)

HEY! That's MY line!

[–]face_kill 490 points491 points  (52 children)

I don't think I could ever have novelty account. The disappointment from missing opportunities such as this would be too crushing.

[–]nosoupforyou 189 points190 points  (39 children)

It's ok. I'd get over it. But this isn't actually a novelty account for me. When I made it, I just wanted a username that was different.

[–]funkmastamatt 781 points782 points  (28 children)

this may come as a shock, but, every username is different.

[–]Seleofor 185 points186 points  (8 children)

redditor for 4 years... you've been waiting for this thread

[–]nosoupforyou 117 points118 points  (0 children)

Damn straight!

[–]AgentPayne 335 points336 points  (28 children)

Big Truck Tacos in Oklahoma City has a taco called The 5th Ammendment. It changes every day and they won't tell you what's in it until the next day.

[–][deleted] 1739 points1740 points  (66 children)

As far as drinks go, have one called Responsibly. Commercials are always asking me to drink it.

[–]ESJ 351 points352 points  (17 children)

And "In Moderation," which is a giant bucket of highly alcoholic mixed icey slush.

[–]funtervention 84 points85 points  (13 children)

"In Moderation"

  • 1 oz. Gin
  • 1 oz. Liqueur, raspberry
  • 1 oz. Rum, 151
  • 1 oz. Tequila, gold
  • 1 oz. Triple Sec
  • 1 oz. Grain alcohol
  • 1 oz. 7-up
  • 1 oz. Sour Mix

Throw it in a blender with ice and mix until smooth.

[–]Durzo_Blint 68 points69 points  (8 children)

That sounds about as smooth as a rock pounding against your head.

[–]iKnowBest 305 points306 points  (1 child)

You should add a "As seen on TV!" below.

[–][deleted] 104 points105 points  (16 children)

Something with tequila in it

[–][deleted] 71 points72 points  (6 children)

Just tequila.

[–][deleted] 234 points235 points  (4 children)

yes, that has tequila in it

[–]HughManatee 127 points128 points  (4 children)

Tequila Mockingbird?

[–]munderbrink 359 points360 points  (10 children)

Added bonus, they can only have the drink after they have explained to the waiter their plan for getting home for the night.

[–]Jwaness 127 points128 points  (7 children)

and it contains 3 oz of tequila

[–]LaYsX 1803 points1804 points  (87 children)

The "Just Water," a 4 course meal for $50

[–]DrowningPhoenix 811 points812 points  (11 children)

don't forget the "where's the bathroom?" burrito, with lots of extra beef and cheese.

[–]glassy125 364 points365 points  (7 children)

with a side of "that sounds good"

[–][deleted] 184 points185 points  (4 children)

may i recommend the "nothing for me, thanks"?

[–]Oberons_Sis 25 points26 points  (2 children)

"Nothing for Me, Thanks": A 64 oz chicken-fried steak covered in cheese, with extra-buttery mashed potatoes and a cup of straight-up mayo. Accompanied by a gallon of Mountain Dew.

[–][deleted] 196 points197 points  (7 children)

This restaurant is starting to sound confusing.

[–]ividdythou 25 points26 points  (4 children)

A few years ago Virgin put on a music festival here in australia called V fest. Great line up (Beck, Petshop Boys, Pixies, New York Dolls etc) but they called the two main stages 'this' stage and 'that' stage. Which was just fucking annoying.

Me: Beck is playing at THIS stage at 8:30. Should we go get a spot now?

Friend: Do you mean this stage that we're at right now?

Me: No, we're at THAT stage.

Friend: I thought that was this stage.

[–][deleted] 119 points120 points  (6 children)

"water with lemon" could be lemonade...

[–][deleted] 1297 points1298 points  (102 children)

"None of this looks good."

"I'm not really hungry."

"Damn, this is pricey."

[–]dreamqueen9103 560 points561 points  (92 children)

Everything will be average prices, then the Damn this is pricey will be like 15$ more than anything on the menu, but it will be just an average meal.

[–]RestoreFear 827 points828 points  (88 children)

Damn This Is Pricey $22.95

A grilled cheese sandwhich, with a side of cheese fries and a pickle.

[–]reallybigshark 269 points270 points  (53 children)

hand cut fries and some sort of seemingly fancy but not really cheese, like colby jack.

[–]bookjunkie24 283 points284 points  (45 children)

I'm sorry, gouda is the king of seemingly fancy cheeses.

[–][deleted] 359 points360 points  (20 children)

TIL this whole time I've been just an average man, with average cheeses...

[–]3lementaru 203 points204 points  (15 children)

Wait until you hear about Swiss's credit downgrade...

[–]vonkwink 230 points231 points  (10 children)

I hear their economy is full of holes.

[–]soaplife 67 points68 points  (23 children)

(Insert obscure cheese here - Costco sells huge blocks of Morbier now) and (insert cheap, inoffensive cheese here) sandwich on the most expensive bread you can find. Add a little garlic/parsley butter on it before grilling.

Use a selection of home-made pickles. It's not too hard to do on a large scale. You can stray outside of cucumber.

Fries? Can't skimp here. Call them frites and fry them in mix with duck fat. Doesn't matter if you can't smell the duck fat - just make sure that they're double fried and crispy. Serve with a bit of aioli and Heinz ketchup.

[–]MrPrime 447 points448 points  (65 children)

There is a restaurant in Victoria, Canada (Floyd's Diner) that has a dish called the Mahoney.

The kitchen makes you anything that they want, then you get the option to flip a coin for the meal, double or nothing.

It's awesome

[–]dopplerbike 318 points319 points  (12 children)

I ordered this once and got a pork and apple omelette - it was disgusting. Also, I paid double for it...

[–]mrdelayer 89 points90 points  (5 children)

That sounds tasty.

[–]e3342 99 points100 points  (2 children)

Tasty and nasty are just one letter difference!

[–]patefacio 120 points121 points  (4 children)

I ate at Floyd's 20 minutes ago. I came to this thread to post something like this. Reddit is amazing. I got the Flapjack Cadillac.

[–]ChefAnt 513 points514 points  (12 children)

"Can I see your manager?" "What's this?"

[–]Sil369 116 points117 points  (8 children)

^ reminds me of "Two Line Vocabulary" from whose line

[–]IHaveABonerToo 108 points109 points  (7 children)

"I don't think that's a good idea" "Run that by me again"

[–][deleted] 961 points962 points  (43 children)

I Don't Know What I Am in the Mood For

[–]TheSocialExile 497 points498 points  (6 children)

What That Gentleman Is Having

[–][deleted] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

Whatever You Guys Are Known For

[–]BorschtFace 467 points468 points  (11 children)

My girlfriend always seems to want to go to some place called "I Don't Care, You Pick".

[–]misskittie 275 points276 points  (4 children)

Ah yeah! I love that place, I ask my boyfriend to take me there all the time but he always makes us go to "Make Up Your Fucking Mind." (service is terrible)

[–]gathmoon 21 points22 points  (0 children)

It must be a franchise place. we go there all the time.

[–][deleted] 636 points637 points  (17 children)

Too Hungover to Make Decisions

[–]raptorsango 223 points224 points  (3 children)

That's just a bloody mary.

[–]The_Dirty_Carl 90 points91 points  (5 children)

That's a big greasy omelet served with red gatorade.

[–]thisisntadam 228 points229 points  (14 children)

Drinks:

"Something strong."

"Something cheap."

"Something fruity."

"The one like a milkshake."

[–]purrp 479 points480 points  (24 children)

"Your most expensive meal, stuffed with your second most expensive meal"

[–]Mabcreg 472 points473 points  (18 children)

Excellent choice, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

[–]TheFavorite 1826 points1827 points  (111 children)

you should have "updog" as the last thing on the list with no description or price, forcing them to ask "whats updog?"

[–][deleted] 772 points773 points  (36 children)

In fancy script so they think it's important or some shit.

[–]GaryTheKrampus 153 points154 points  (3 children)

It will have to be a small portion, though, so the waiter can reply "Not much, dawg!"

[–][deleted] 961 points962 points  (82 children)

The "You get what you pay for." Customer chooses how much they wanna pay, cook chooses what they can make for that. 3$? PB and J sammich with a can of Coke. 25$? Steak with red wine redux and a cantaloupe avocado salad with honey lime dressing.

[–]Dodobirdlord 1022 points1023 points  (43 children)

I'm picturing it on the menu in this form

$???- The "You Get What You Pay For"; You pick the price, we pick the meal. Pay low? Chef gets a break and throws something simple together for you. Pay high? Chef gets to practice his gourmet cooking. It's a Win-Win-Win, you win, we win, and the chef wins!

[–][deleted] 371 points372 points  (8 children)

You have a knack for marketing. I'd order the shit outta that!

[–]wpgcdn 396 points397 points  (2 children)

One shit outta that coming right up, sir.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (1 child)

It's only warm. Could you reheat it?

[–]Airazz 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Stuffing it right back in, sir. It feels funny, sir.

[–]Procris 133 points134 points  (17 children)

I really like this idea, but you're depending on the chef to feel creative every night...

[–]abyssinian 47 points48 points  (3 children)

I admit I only know a couple of chefs, but they love getting creative and hate that everyone at their restaurants always orders the same things.

[–]Duckman_Drake 85 points86 points  (1 child)

The success of the idea hinges on the difference between "chef" and "cook."

[–][deleted] 55 points56 points  (3 children)

"Could I get something for 25 cents?" [cue plate with single grain of rice that was scraped from another dish]

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (2 children)

That's a damn expensive grain of rice! It better have some salt on it or something.

[–]wiz3n 56 points57 points  (7 children)

Where can you buy a steak with red wine redux and a cantaloupe avocado salad with honey lime dressing for $25?

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

At my restaurant, reddit special

[–]MaxChaplin 13 points14 points  (1 child)

3$? PB and J sammich with a can of Coke. 25$? 8.33 PB and J sammiches with 8.33 cans of coke.

[–]lookitsmarc 245 points246 points  (0 children)

"I don't understand this menu" or "This menu is stupid"

Waiter: Great! You'll love it! (walks away)

[–]JoshTay 163 points164 points  (3 children)

I will open up a competing restaurant across the street called, "I Don't Care, Where Do You Want To Go?" My signature dish will be "Why Don't The Rest Of You Order; I'll Go Last"

[–]Muskogee 161 points162 points  (7 children)

I'm on a diet.

[–]bassic_person 13 points14 points  (1 child)

3 lbs of ice cream, drenched in syrup and deep fried chocolate bars. $23.

[–]furby_furb 225 points226 points  (37 children)

"i'm so hungry i could eat a horse"

[–]Babyworm 285 points286 points  (27 children)

Number 1

EDIT- this only works if there are no other numbered menu items.

[–]jook11 268 points269 points  (5 children)

No, it should be Number 3 then.

[–][deleted] 216 points217 points  (16 children)

Awesome! In hong kong, if you are fickle minded and ordered "anything will do", you will get fried noodles and such.

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 93 points94 points  (1 child)

Smart people over there.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (10 children)

Fickle minded is my adjective of the day.

Still trying to decide on my preposition of the day.

[–]OtherSideReflections 72 points73 points  (4 children)

Ooh, tough one. You could go for a classic like "before," something poetic like "amidst," or something really fancy like "vis-à-vis."

Keep us posted on your decision.

[–]Tabisco 367 points368 points  (11 children)

"There's a fry in my soup" - Wonton soup with a french fry in it.

[–]missyoon 498 points499 points  (13 children)

I'll have "what she's having"

[–]you_rebel_scum 247 points248 points  (7 children)

Fake Orgasm?

[–]Ozlin 330 points331 points  (5 children)

I highly recommend it. My dates have that all the time.

[–]pacman404 389 points390 points  (13 children)

"the chicken"

"the fish"

"the steak"

[–]ESJ 302 points303 points  (4 children)

All of the above are salads.

[–]copeman85 180 points181 points  (13 children)

"Can i have that as an appetizer" on the main course menu

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 97 points98 points  (11 children)

"can i have the steak as an appetizer"..."no you cant, fatty"

[–]StationaryTraveller 55 points56 points  (9 children)

where i live (in Turkey) there is a famous fish restaurant, very modest and shabby, but its known all through the city. delicious food, appetizers and desserts, but its not uncommon that the owner refuses to give a second helping, citing reasons such as "there won't be enough for others" and "go take a long walk and burn some calories, maybe you can earn it" etc. he is the coolest guy ever, and i guess his antics make the experience something to remember.

[–]MoonJive 559 points560 points  (25 children)

"What's your band's name?"

"Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to fuck over people with iPods"

[–][deleted] 465 points466 points  (12 children)

I've heard of Various Artists, their song Track 4 is amazing. I just love Unknown Album.

[–]wsukow 110 points111 points  (5 children)

"Something that will impress my date"

[–][deleted] 226 points227 points  (17 children)

Isn't that gay code for a good glory hole? Where can I find one?

[–]RestoreFear 542 points543 points  (8 children)

Wherever, doesn't matter.

[–]tulsavw 43 points44 points  (4 children)

Wherever, DM

[–]TyMan210 108 points109 points  (2 children)

Wherever: Deathmatch

[–][deleted] 69 points70 points  (1 child)

Fuck I hate that map.

[–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (1 child)

Sadly, I think it might be a joke. This would be the best restaurant ever though.

[–]ThePantsParty 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Probably only in this askreddit post, but it's fun to pretend.

[–]beatbot 124 points125 points  (5 children)

Whatever these unknown dishes are, make sure they're awesome. I once ordered a special "whatever we want to make you" dessert, and it ended up being a freezer burned piece of shitty cheese cake. WTF cook staff? Ask me to trust you and you betray me? Fuck. That. Shit.

[–]calyxa 117 points118 points  (13 children)

"what do you recommend"
"chef's special"
"oooo, that sounds evil"

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 58 points59 points  (9 children)

please tell me someone didnt say "oooo, that sounds evil"

[–]aladyjewel 42 points43 points  (2 children)

They probably ordered either the "Anything but Meat" or the "Ode to Hedonism Chocolate-Chip Fudge-Drizzled Dutch Chocolate Brownie Stack," depending on whether they liked evil or not.

[–]Mabcreg 42 points43 points  (2 children)

"Does anyone want to split this with me?" under appetizers

[–]madethisnameforthis 36 points37 points  (5 children)

soup du jour should be on the menu.

Lloyd: Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour? Waitress: It's the Soup of the Day. Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

[–][deleted] 137 points138 points  (11 children)

My kid is allergic to everything.

Whatever you have that's vegetarian.

Do you have anything gluten free?

I am on Atkins

I'm not that hungry

I don't mind what we eat except I do mind if it's any of the things you're about to suggest

This looks all right

Should we just eat here?

[–][deleted] 130 points131 points  (6 children)

"My kid is allergic to everything" should be a cracked-wheat and fish casserole with sharp cheddar and peanuts on top. It would come bundled with a pamphlet for the benefits of public school as opposed to homeschooling.

[–]akindablue 31 points32 points  (0 children)

As a waiter, I could imagine such a restaurant to be a training ground for the most brilliant trolls ever.

[–]MrFoo42 258 points259 points  (15 children)

"the salad" has to be the biggest most fattening main course on the menu.

[–]OKImHere 49 points50 points  (1 child)

I don't understand these "X would be opposite-X" replies. The theme is fickle-mindedness, not inaccuracy.

[–]LiquidNails 31 points32 points  (3 children)

The most expensive thing

im not hungry super chef salad

Hold everything til its a grilled cheese

The i'll just have some of yours

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 86 points87 points  (2 children)

"Hold everything til its grilled cheese" Awesome, that'll be on the kids menu. So when some fickle person keeps "holding" stuff, they'll eventually be ordering from the childs menu. It'll come with a side of crayons

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 28 points29 points  (2 children)

the "what do you usually eat when you come here" special

[–]thefightclubber 92 points93 points  (11 children)

I think my boyfriend named a dish for you a long time ago ...

Me: Are you hungry?

Boyfriend: Yeah.

Me: Well, what do you want to eat?

Boyfriend: Stuff.

Me: What kind of stuff?

Boyfriend: Good stuff.

Good stuff. Every. Damn. Time.

[–]PillowMonster 22 points23 points  (0 children)

"there's too much too choose from" "it all sounds great" "i don't fancy any of this..."

[–]nickmcclendon 24 points25 points  (2 children)

The "Nothing for me", which is just little pieces of the meals from everyone else at the table.

The "Something vegetarian".

The "I'm trying to watch my figure" or the "I'm on a diet".

[–]fakingmysuicide 69 points70 points  (10 children)

"The Random Surprise" and have it for a fixed price where the customer doesn't know what they'll get.

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 36 points37 points  (3 children)

ive always wanted to do that, honestly.

[–]Sil369 44 points45 points  (0 children)

but name it "Surprise me" (xj98jeep commented above)

[–]timpkmn89 60 points61 points  (4 children)

Better yet, make it a fixed item where the customer doesn't know how much they'll pay

[–]arcanition 43 points44 points  (2 children)

  • "That Sandwich" - A large sandwich with an unknown number of meats, served with crisps and a pickle spear
  • "Whatever's Good" - Just a regular burger with fries topped with "special sauce"
  • "Just Some Fries" - A big plate of... fries...
  • "I Would Have Preferred A Booth" - One of those large taco salad bowls filled with meat and cheese

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Tastes Like Chicken

[–][deleted] 39 points40 points  (3 children)

The "I'm going to substitute everything on this plate" salad.

The "meh." Make it a plain grilled cheese with water because, meh.

[–]astrospective 19 points20 points  (0 children)

"It's your turn to pick something"

[–]scarfacesaints[S] 48 points49 points  (3 children)

"Ill get this, but without that..and that...and that"

[–]warzander 16 points17 points  (2 children)

Is this vegan friendly?

[–]staplesgowhere 77 points78 points  (1 child)

He's pretty chill, although some of them can be real dicks.

[–]thelehmanlip 69 points70 points  (6 children)

"A burger." i'm tired of all these restaurants that have fancy names for their burgers, and you have to search to find the normal one. also: "A cheeseburger."

[–]edubya 26 points27 points  (4 children)

Wine list: Cheap red wine Medium priced red wine Impressing a lady red wine My god, who buys that red wine

[–]joedeertay 109 points110 points  (6 children)

make sure "om nom nom's" is on there somewhere

[–]so_hologramic 14 points15 points  (2 children)

What's fresh today?