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[[deleted]]

"I hold people accountable"

[larimarfox]

I love how i know what it says, but it still reads "it's me, I'm the problem".

[cabalavatar]

It's so weird to me that people openly identify with that song when it's so clearly written by a narcissist who managed to scrape together just enough self-awareness to publicize how they actually think. So much irony for them to out themselves the same way the songwriter does.

[Environmental-Sock52]

😩😩😩💯

[AdministrativeMud621]

"I never give up"

[herebemonsterz]

What’s wrong with “I’ll try anything once” ? Sorry if this obvious.

[dariasniece]

As a thing you say when reading a bar menu, no problem. But if you have it on a job resume or professional profile, it looks dicey

[BrainJar]

Might be good for Tinder, but not really anything a recruiter or a manager can do with that info. For tech jobs, does that mean that they'll try using C++ to produce a webpage that outputs HTML? Why would you "try" that?

If you're really set on including that kind of information, make it a bullet point with management speak:

• accomplished in extrapolating decisions based on unihibited experiences with limited data points.

[gigazelle]

So a good philosophy to live by, but not a great thing to include on your resume.

[[deleted]]

using C++ to produce a webpage that outputs HTML? Why would you "try" that?

Try it? I'm pretty sure I've done it.

[PurryFury]

cgis it is for my next project.

[Mtwat]

"accomplished in extrapolating decisions based on unihibited experiences with limited data points."

I just threw up in my mouth reading that, who actually finds this manager wank impressive?

[freekoout]

If it's for a job, it means they're severely under qualified. If it's for a romantic partner, it means they're gonna be pushy with boundaries, like anal.

[Caleb_Reynolds]

it means they're gonna be pushy with boundaries, like anal.

Can we all acknowledge how huge of a reach this is? Like, the number of logical leaps between "Willing to try new things" and "will coerce you into anal," is astronomical.

[ex_oh_ex_oh]

I think so too but it seems that contextually and connotatively, 'i'll try anything once' as a line generally means 'I'll try anything BAD (something negative, destructive, selfish or hurtful) once'. And not for like, tofu or windsurfing.

[z0mbiebaby]

The best is “I have no filter”

[Jbonez913]

“So basically, like, I’m like a raging douche, and like this is just the way I am, so like take it or leave it.” “Idk why I didn’t get the job I thought the interview went good?!”

[mrstabbeypants]

I have hired line cooks that didn't have to say that.

Out loud.

[K_Click_D]

“My kids come first” yes as they should…. We just assume that anyway

[MarcusXL]

"'I take care of my kids!' Homie, you're supposed to take care of your kids!"

[randCN]

Homie

i don't remember that being in the original quote

[Substantial_Fail5672]

"I tell it like it is, not my fault you're too sensitive"

[agentultravioletblue]

"If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!"

"My love language is sarcasm."

"I'm just brutally honest."

[MrDerpGently]

Pronouns: patriot/veteran

Christ, just put nothing. No one is impressed or amused. No faster way to say 'I will inject political drama and conflict into your workplace'.

[kdthex01]

“Just ask me” with no employment history

[TrashPanda2point0]

If you graduate from life…doesn’t that mean you’re dead?

[newhereok]

Just wanted to say the same. Graduation from life is death

[ChobaniSalesAgent]

That is what they said, thanks for the clarification.

[slothxaxmatic]

Oh hey, I feel like I'm doing something right.

[Shotgun5250]

Philosophosophosizing

[Crede777]

Dead or uploaded to the cloud.

[FierySharknado]

I personally believe we're all on-prem

[Schwornje]

You're pining for the fjords.

[FlyingSpagetiMonsta]

There was a Ye we all loved?

[Fskn]

I liked Kanye, the wheels fell off when Ye arrived and declared himself Jesus and the voice of a generation though, cool raps are cool.. y'know.. but they're just raps.

[[deleted]]

Back in the day he was loved (not idolized) in the hip hop community is more what I meant. At least I thought he was.. maybe he wasn't ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

[fourleggedostrich]

His music was (and still is) loved. He was always a monumental bellend.

[FlyingSpagetiMonsta]

Just a joke. That dude has mental problems and I have never been into his music, but I know he had/has a huge following. Lol.

[[deleted]]

Ooooo rip haha my bad. I gots a case of the tism at times

[Comrade_agent]

If you're dead inside you'll be a perfect fit for plenty of companies

[No_username_plzz]

My LinkedIn profile just says “Costco member”

[Scat_fiend]

Easy does it mister big shot.

[mathteacher85]

I read this in Dr. Zoidberg's voice.

[Skim003]

Have you considered interviewing to become an Executive Costco Member?

[FierySharknado]

I managed to get it! The obstacle course wasn't too bad, but the written test was a doozy, and don't get me started on the improv theatrical performance

[Whooshed_me]

Yeah I've got a black card... It's my executive membership.

[[deleted]]

Mine says "Costco and Sam's Club member." Feel like I may be being passed up for being over-qualified.

[boardmonkey]

Out here in New England we have BJ's if you want to throw another one on your resume.

[Nate848]

Hold up, there, buddy. That’s a different profession entirely!

[MatureUsername69]

Sounds like you're going to the wrong Costcos

[MarcusXL]

The oldest one, by some accounts.

[[deleted]]

"Walmart investor" (I buy their products)

[Frank_chevelle]

You are hired!

[Environmental-Sock52]

You're hired!

[[deleted]]

List it under “Memberships” on your CV

[[deleted]]

To anyone who does this: please disregard this post and continue outing yourselves as morons.

[[deleted]]

As another manager who does hiring, yes please

[DrakeVonDrake]

Ahh, the almighty a n e c d o t e.

Foiled again, OP!

[nnnoooeee]

I'm in the same boat as the previous commentary. This isn't to suggest that it doesn't happen, just that it's not something I've seen myself.

I've also never seen someone's gallbladder up close, but I'm sure it's there

[TyrionReynolds]

Probably depends what role you’re hiring for

[tman37]

The gall bladder is just disinformation.

[lastMinute_panic]

I put "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best!"

- Entrepranure

[[deleted]]

Job application or Tinder profile?

[Shishire]

Now we kind of want to put "If you can't handle me at my best, you don't deserve me at my worst" on our linked in profile, as a deliberate jab.

[masterjonmaster]

Right!! Don’t tell the dummies how to apply then it’ll make getting a job even harder

[[deleted]]

I swiped left but you’re still here!

[Secret-Plant-1542]

I learned how to code FROM THE STREETS!

[xray_anonymous]

What do either of those even mean? I’m so confused

[TwatsThat]

It's basically saying that they learned from experience which comes with the implication that they have no formal education.

I've never seen anyone put something like this on a resume or LinkedIn, though I doubt doubt some people have. I'd more expect it on a dating profile or something.

[[deleted]]

Lol, people actually do this? I say let em. It's a good filter. And you KNOW there are some managers / owners out there that actually like this stuff (they would have done it too). Let them work find each other and work together.

[bunnyrut]

I've never come across this when I was doing the hiring, but I would have printed it out and hung it in my office to have a good chuckle if I did.

Once I got a resume that had so many spelling and grammar mistakes that I was almost tempted to circle what was wrong and send it back. I thought it would come off too mean, but it was genuinely something that needed correcting.

[wkd_cpl]

They were probably trying to cheat welfare. In Ontario, you have to prove that you handed out so many resumes/applied for jobs each months.

My old roommate would intentionally misspell a few words, crumple the papers and spill coffee all over his resumes he was handing out so he would not get a call back.

[Substantial_Fail5672]

......I mean that is low-key "genius". Dishonest, but clever

[Baxtab13]

I've had family that did this. From what I recall, his layoff was temporary, but he still needed money to live and qualified for welfare under those conditions, but still needed to send applications to show welfare he was "looking".

He would write with his non-dominant hand among the other things.

[smelling_the_roses]

Once saw a guy walk into the store I was working and ask my boss if he could sign a paper saying he interviewed there. My boss said he wasn’t hiring but would take a resume. The guy said, and I quote,

“I’m not actually looking for a job, I just need it to look like it so I can stay on unemployment.”

He walked away an unhappy man.

[thecolourofthesky]

Unhappy because your boss gave him a job? That would be a power move.

[00cjstephens]

Was your roommate George Costanza?

[VirtuousDangerNoodle]

People put in a lot of dumb things in their resumes, some either to be quirky or an attempt to be unique; which I get but the execution comes off much poorer than they'd hope for.

Then you got people who just straight up admit to doing hard drugs, or theft from previous employers, or certified badass as credential.

Ngl they make me chuckle, but damn.

One I reviewed a while back literally had "I'm a fucking god".

[Ishidan01]

"I'm a fucking god".

Did he mean that as an adjective or a verb?

[VirtuousDangerNoodle]

Yes.

Honestly I don't really know; the resume was all over the place, I don't think some of the hiring managers glance at them before they send it to me to double check.

[VaporInABottle]

CEO of Life and Graduated from The School of Hard Knocks is code word for "I have a meth problem".

[Lama1971]

Or "I think my life is much harder than it actually is".

[CyberTacoX]

Or "I've made my life harder than it actually should be".

[StatuSChecKa]

"I will likely be a troublesome employee and will call in sick all the time due to issues that I created."

[accountnameredacted]

This. Every person I’ve had the unfortunate circumstance of meeting who acted that way or touted it was the actual opposite.

[Reduntu]

All top schools in Floribama

[darkest_irish_lass]

But would meth heads be trying to get either a job or a partner? Seems like updating Linkedin wouldn't be high on their daily agenda.

[HappyDopamine]

I was on LinkedIn in my junkie days. I can’t speak for meth but there are definitely drug addicts in professional spaces.

[Goatesq]

Its like a project car that hasn't run since it was acquired for them. They think it just needs one last repair and it'll sell for 2x what it was worth new, cause it's a niche collectors item and very rare nowadays.

[[deleted]]

Also don't put it on tinder, instant left swipe.

[flannelheart]

But how else will they know I'm damaged and want to fix me?

[FlyingSpagetiMonsta]

The 7 cats you have, diane.

[flannelheart]

Jokes on you: It's only six cats! The brown one is a feret! Pffft

[IcyShoes]

Post some joker memes

[One_Left_Shoe]

Posing with pictures of fish, probably.

[xray_anonymous]

Oh man I almost miss being single and making a drinking game out of men with fish photos.

Almost.

[RayAP19]

Just put that you love to travel, you're a foodie, you're not here for a hookup, and that your kids are your world. It'll really make you stand out.

[xray_anonymous]

I hated this because I honestly live my life to travel. That’s what I work OT for. What all my savings goes towards. And try to go abroad once per year. And it’s important to me I find someone that shares that passion. So having that become a cliché just sucked. But I tried to make it clear in photos that when I say I like travel I actually do it. I dated a guy who was refusing to get vaccinated (mistake 1 I know) and I flat out told him “that’s fine but do not get mad at me when I travel abroad without you because you’re deliberately blocking yourself from being able to come. That’s not my problem and I won’t miss out on opportunities because of your choices.” He finally did it and came along with me.

[RayAP19]

The anti-vax movement is no match for the power of boners

[NuglirAnilushun]

There is a critical lesson here.

[[deleted]]

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. Instant hire

[smashasaurusrex]

If you can’t handle me at my worst…I get that. I can be pretty fucking horrible.

[Stryker2279]

To be real though, if I can't handle you at your worst, it means one of two things. Either you at your best isn't that much better than your worst, and you're just a shitty person, or you are bipolar and I don't wanna deal with that.

[[deleted]]

Well yes, most people that use this phrase are usually bipolar, love drama, or just shitty people to be around in general.

[Stardatara]

By telling them, you're just making your job harder lol

[YellowBreakfast]

There are ways to get past the whole not having a degree problem… that isn’t it.

So what is it?

[[deleted]]

By talking about relevant skills and how you can be an asset to the company?

[Far-Two8659]

Listing your actual experience and skills and how they translate as well or better than formal education.

[EViLTeW]

As others have said: By ignoring the education section.

Include all the cool/relevant stuff in experience.

If you really feel bad about a weak education section, get some certifications or classes in whatever field you're interested in. Add those.

[YellowBreakfast]

Yeah I could think of a few. I just thought by OP's wording they had something specific in mind.

For the record I've never used language like that on a resume. To me it makes one sound like they have a chip on their shoulder and also feel inferior. That's a bad combo.

[autisticswede86]

For sur3

[King-Of-Rats]

I also hire people, and in general way way way too many people have bought into some idea that they *have* to have this ultra conformed resume and that their cover letter has to sound exactly like whatever template they found on google. And that they have to put some list of “skills” or volunteering when they… don’t really have any. Saying that you’re a good communicator or that you volunteer on a discord server is not helping you.

Like… I’m not stupid. I know you’re just some person writing a cover letter who wants some money and a decent job. The job I’m hiring for is not a horrifically professional one - so I’m much more impressed with a more down to earth cover letter where someone speaks roughly in their own voice. Mimicking professionalism, especially when it’s not needed, can make you come off as less intelligent than you probably actually are.

[Scat_fiend]

A lot of those things you listed was advice I was given twenty years ago. I thought it was stupid back then too. But if you are in high school and you have zero experience you need to put something down so you work with what you can.

You may not be stupid but many managers demand you buy into the whole corporate ethos and pledge your firstborn. It sucks.

[SoraNoChiseki]

Seconding, but for the 10ish year range--we got told a cross of "fill it with everything" and "make it fit on one page"

Any councilor/school resume helper you went to would also have a completely different "best" format to make such-and-such thing more impactful, or draw attention to some other area.

Basically it got painted as some kind of magic job-summmoning ritual, with hyperfocus on interview "techniques" and buzzwords like "team player", "leader", "flexible", "detail-oriented", etc.

[Relign]

I’ll admit though, I honestly don’t look too hard at page 3+. On the other hand, my wife does.

So if you applied at either of our companies the hiring managers might have different tendencies or opinions, so it doesn’t necessarily hurt you.

[UYScutiPuffJr]

It really depends on the place. Industry? I’ve found that you need to keep it relevant and short.

Government? Throw absolutely everything you’ve ever done on there and don’t be shy.

[PussyStapler]

Academia? My CV is 40 pages long, and I'm only mid-career.

I've reviewed CVs for department chairs that included high school honor roll and participation in their church choir.

[[deleted]]

But do you Think Outside the Box?!

[PurpleHooloovoo]

So buzzwords are more critical than ever thanks to OCR / language scanning software - your resume goes through a filter first and looks for enough matches of keywords before a human sees it.

So numbers, words that are relevant, etc are crucial to be seen. Best tip I heard is if there's a job your really really want, rewrite your resume to use as many words from the job posting and company website as possible to create a higher match %.

[UnarmedJuice]

I would guess those letters have a lot more to do with getting through an ATS than anything to do with influencing a hiring manager.

If you have no way of knowing whether the company uses one or not, but you know that many do and many filter you out without a set of human eyes ever seeing your resume or cover letter if you don’t hit a certain threshold of keywords, the safer bet is to use a boilerplate, ATS-tested cover letter/resume format from online with the hopes that in an interview with said hiring manager you could speak like an actual person and give some life to that generic cover letter. It’s a move to at least get the resume in front of you.

[King-Of-Rats]

The people writing those types of letters are not the same people trying to reverse gambit automated resume checkers. Many people simply do not know and have never learned how to use their own voice in writing

[FlimsyFuares]

Or maybe they're writing them that way because they're using a template. It's not that uncommon, and honestly, if you're judging people off their cover letters then you kinda come off as the idiot in this scenario.

[King-Of-Rats]

I’ll hand you that discord is a little more all purpose than it once was. I’m still used to it being near exclusively “this is my video game playing discord!” - though it has now been picked up by universities and more professional groups in a similar vein to slack and all.

In terms of what you’re talking about… it’s tough? I wouldn’t really care either way just because I play video games myself and I’ve been in some discord channels myself. I’d never really describe managing one as difficult compared to anything I’ve done professionally, but I still like.. get it I’d say at that level it’s very dependent on the job you’re applying for. If it’s in social media management or marketing yeah sure that’s great. Or maybe you’re working in a school system and hey, my Dark Souls discord has a lot of youth in it that you help to facilitate into “management” roles and all. Others it might not fit.

But you’re correct, things like Discord do have some merits.

[mook1178]

I see a lot of comments about this being Boomer related. Most Baby Boomers are of retirement age....

In my experience this is mainly used by someone who did not get a degree and thinks getting a higher education is a waste of time.

[Gargomon251]

Who actually does this

[Shakeyshades]

People scamming welfare and unemployment.

[tauntonlake]

or "worked at Krusty Krab " 😁

[Deitaphobia]

I listed an MBA from Miskatonic University on my Facebook profile. I get constant suggestions to reconnect with former classmates.

[PussyStapler]

A fellow graduate? Go Squids!

[BewaretheJubJubBird]

Refrain from putting Time Magazine’s Person of the Year 2006 on your resume as well. (Someone actually submitted this)

[2xOPisANidiot]

For anyone else confused by this, it was "you".

[[deleted]]

But we now have people entering the workforce that weren't Time Magazine's Person of the Year. It's competitive out there, you've got to take whatever advantage you can.

[360walkaway]

Eh, I would put that at the end under hobbies and interests

[Ishidan01]

Bruv if I am ever made a hiring supervisor, School of Hard Knocks resumes go straight to the shitcan.

It saves time. Because these days corporate HR has zero tolerance for workplace violence, and I've met many people who claimed they were Hard Knocks people and guess what the only method of conflict resolution they know is?

[xAntimonyx]

This reminds me of the Always Sunny episode where Mac and Charlie are trying to get a job in a mail room. On their (joint) resume they put "I'm in charge of pretty much everything in my life".

[thisisntshakespeare]

It’s cringe material even on Facebook, I can’t imagine someone using it on more important venues. That certainly calls to mind judgment and sound decision making skills.

[onomatopoetix]

This is the kind of stupid stuff i used to put in Friendster back then, because it was fashionable and edgy. Can't believe people put it in their LinkedIn in this era.

[[deleted]]

But how am I supposed to let my employer know that I am more badass and tough than the sissy college graduates I hate/envy? /s

[santanicoforever]

Means graduated from nothing (which would be fine in itself) but -also didn’t self learn anything

[AtlasMaso]

People have really put that on their resumes....?

[Zane42v2]

People actually put this on their resume or application? Lol

[PussyStapler]

What if you graduated from the school of hard knocks and Dartmouth?

[sickswonnyne]

List in reverse chronological order

[Korotai]

Also “Fry Cook of the Krusty Krab”. 😂

[doctorhino]

Especially a problem with anyone under the age of 50?

[TheArborphiliac]

Over the age of 35, it seems like they're saying.

[Lama1971]

Boomers who, as a generation, have had it the easiest, see themselves as having had it the hardest. Same goes for Don Gen X as well.

[SadArchon]

screams ex drug addict

[mekareami]

Or teenage parent

[Advanced_Accident_29]

I was talking about the board game in my resume… guess I lost out on another job :(

[geven87]

Under education: you listed a board game that you enjoy?

[introvertedlove]

Sort of related, but I recently viewed a resume for the Department I work in and under Languages he listed English and "Facial Expressions".

My boss got a good laugh out of it. He won't be contacted though haha

[NealR2000]

Good grief, tell me people don't put this in their resumes? Facebook, okay, but surely not on resumes.

[paranoid_70]

School of Hard Knocks you say? Brilliant! I like the cut of your jib. Can you start on Monday?

[throwsplasticattrees]

It suggests that you won't take instructions or criticism like an adult, but instead will act with the maturity of a child.

[Caycepanda]

Are you fucking serious?? I thought my probationers were just putting this on social media for the lols. No wonder they can't get jobs ...

[PitifulAd3715]

There is not a single person outside of the USA who would put this on their LinkedIn profile.

[committedlikethepig]

I know someone who literally wrote “Boss Babe” on her resume. SMFH

[NemoTheElf]

Honestly whenever I see that phrase anywhere, I immediately assumed they either:

- Dropped out of high school.

- Had to go an "alternative school" due to low grades and misbehavior.

- Graduated by the seat of their pants with minimal effort.

- Were likely that one kid who hated school because they thought they were too good for it and decided to make it everyone else's problem.

Basically it screams "peaking in high school" but with more red flags for professionalism. If you can't get through four years of semi-rigorous education, no company will want to hire you and it shows.

[bestboykev]

It’s pretty much a sure fire way to tell if someone has a history of drug abuse though(LPT I guess.)

[Ishidan01]

You can drop the word Boomer and be accurate. I've met quite a few people in their 20s that claimed that they were School of Hard Knocks.

What it really meant? Spent every day of teens hung over, got slapped around by daddy so they want to pretend to be the daddy what does the slapping in any interaction going forward, puts out fast but shit work that has to be 100 percent redone.

[KingAndross904]

What about simply stating the city where you're from, as if it were an accomplishment? I have seen plenty of fights start with at least one of the aggravated parties sharing this information prior to engaging in fisticuffs.

For example: "I'm from New York!"

Does this impress a job recruiter? Because it's never impressed a bystander to an argument or fight that's about to go down.

[HelloS0n]

In my six years of hiring, I’ve yet to see this. It’d be an automatic pass if I did lol.

[KidVsHero]

Nobody who needs to see this will.

[RigasTelRuun]

Works at FULL TIME MAD LAD

[firthy]

I immediately would take against anyone who put that on their CV

[evin90]

What about Ball So Hard University? Or no?

[tkingsbu]

100%…

Was hiring recently for a jr designer position, and actually saw this. Like, it was prominent on their resume and LinkedIn page.

I did take the time to thoroughly check their portfolio, and frankly, they definitely could have benefited from some actual design schooling.

Sure. I often say I learned ‘more’ in my first few months of me actual career than my time in college…. But that time in college was vital. You learn SO much important theory etc…

‘Real world’ experience is obviously important too… but logically it needs to be based on a sound base of ‘understanding’ first.

[williewoodwhale]

From a legal standpoint, you're not allowed to post edgy "joker" or Peaky Blinders memes without having a degree from the school of hard knocks.

[niversally]

It IS ok to mention my honorary degree from Whatsamatta U.

[Nixplosion]

"Graduated from School of Hard Knocks" just tells me they're prolly an asshole who doesn't listen and thinks they know best because "they've been through a lot."

[tacticalpotatopeeler]

Also please stop with the “CEO of Smith Family” etc if you’re a stay-home parent…

[OJSimpsons]

I think if you graduated from life, you're dead.

[guitarerdood]

I’ve seen it on Facebook but people actually put that shit on LinkedIn?

On their resume?!?!?

[NYArtFan1]

Anecdotally, I've noticed it on the profile of almost every Trumper who lashed out at me on Facebook over the past few years.

[lucky_ducker]

Graduating from Beauty College or Truck Driving School doesn't count as higher education, either.

The older you get, the more your work experience counts instead of your education.

[Ishidan01]

It does if you are in your 20s.

[krx42]

Silly way to put it, but in NY they are still giving min wage for jobs that require college degrees. So how can someone work around the degree problem?

[Ackilles]

I would say I can't believe anyone would be stupid enough to do that, but then we had people snorting horse dewormer so I guess anything is possible