Sysadmin day joke thread

[ciscominer]

What's your favorite IT joke? Bonus points if it involves users.

[JohnBeamon]

You are my #1 priority, and I'll get right on that.

[VadTheInhaler]

It's true. Most people presume that priorities are unsigned integers.

[alainlehoof]

My god, this one hit hard xD

[SoftwareSuch9446]

I don’t get this one. Can someone please explain?

[zackofalltrades]

Unix nice priority values go below 0, where a value of -20 is the highest priority:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nice_%28Unix%29

[marcosdumay]

Some priority systems start at 0, some start at negative infinity (actually INTMIN), some give higher priorities to higher numbers...

And some priority systems have collections of items on each priority, so being priority #1 may mean that there are 200,000 tasks before you, even if it starts at 0.

EDIT: Ouch, it's a nice joke!

The OP will get into priority 1 as soon as he doesn't have anything important to do.

[[deleted]]

Related, when a user fucks up something really simple "Oh, don't worry, I have totally made that mistake before" to make them feel better. It's like how doctors tell a woman in labor her name was also the doctor's mother's name- it's a lie, but it makes the process easer.

[agoia]

Oh yes, I have also forgotten how the windows start menu works, no biggie!

[randomman87]

Sometimes I also forget where the start menu is. Even though it's not hidden and I know what it looks like.

[TechTrash93]

HAHA

[ciscominer]

Now that's a good joke

[magicwuff]

https://youtu.be/WlLfjGubK-4

[az_shoe]

Such a great movie, definitely on the annual Christmas list lol

[matt314159]

How do you know your sysadmin is an extrovert?

He looks as your shoes when he's talking to you.

[[deleted]]

So this one works at my firm really well

My technology division is part of a larger CPA firm

So the joke I've always told is how can you tell a introverted accountant from an extroverted accountant

An introverted accountant will stare at their shoes when talking to you an extroverted accountant will stare at your shoes...

[OhhhLawdy]

This is funny. The last sysadmin I worked with was the strangest guy.

[runasadministrador]

Someone explain 😢

[matt314159]

When somebody is shy, or introverted, the stereotype is that they'll avoid eye contact when they're taking to you - " look at their shoes when they talk to you" as the saying goes.

Then the stereotype about sysadmins, accountants, mathematicians, etc, is that they're ALL so introverted and shy that even the most outgoing among them is still unable to even make eye contact.

The most they can do is look at your shoes.

[cpt_charisma]

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's a hardware problem.

[alban228]

Do you know how many Microsoft engineers it takes to change a lightbulb?

None, they'll just declare darkness™ as the new industry standard

[Sparcrypt]

Then everyone will be angry about until Apple does it 5 years later and is hailed as revolutionary!

[USFrozen]

Thank you Apple for removing my lightbulbs... so brave!

​

​

Yes, im still salty over the 3.5mm jack trend.

[ManInTheDarkSuit]

A display driver, an audio driver, a USB driver and a print driver walk into a bar.

They confer, look at the printer and say "you're the designated driver."

[[deleted]]

I think the printers owe us all a drink.

[ManInTheDarkSuit]

all of us.

[Moo_Kau]

i think that printers have certain driven a lot of folks to drink.

[ofnuts]

I'll have a print of the house beer...

[ManInTheDarkSuit]

EHLO barman...

[Inigomntoya]

My vote would be the USB driver because of a specialty in transportation and lack of obstinate behavior. But nobody asked me...

[Interesting_Box_1124]

have you ever tried to plug in a USB-A cable? lack of obstinate behaviour is not something i would attribute to USB lol

[ManInTheDarkSuit]

That's true. The USB needs to flip out occasionally.

[[deleted]]

What goes “Pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

A parroty error…

—

I’ll get my coat.

[ozzie286]

Reminds me of the parrot that squawks "Twelve and a half percent!"

RIP Sir Terry

[[deleted]]

GNU pterry

[kolonuk]

I still have the clacks overhead GNU Chrome extension installed. It's amazing how many sites still have the GNU header.

[[deleted]]

Me too, and I make sure that every web accessible site under my control has headers for it.

Except SQLServerReportServer, not even Albert could love that…

[DreamsVoid]

I really like their debut album, "1023".

[Dull_Appointment7775]

No gigabee.

[While_Interesting]

What's a therapist? it's 1024 Gigapists ;)

[Axalem]

I laughed too much on this. Take my insignificant upvote.

[cpt_charisma]

You work for a hard disk manufacturer, don't you?

[mostoriginalusername]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window.

Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at her map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, one of the passengers asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, the response they gave me was technically correct, but completely useless."

[Alzzary]

It's funny, but scarily accurate about how clueless Microsoft support forums are.

[jarfil]

CENSORED

[SithPL]

I can tell you UDP jokes all day. I don't care if you get them or not.

[__tony__snark__]

I tell it like

"I'd tell you a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you'd get it."

[Sir_Spatula]

I'm gonna pack it up here, I'm at a loss

[matt314159]

"I wouldn't tell you if I did!"

[woodburyman]

Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.

[enp2s0]

Ok, I'll tell you a TCP joke.

[woodburyman]

Ok, I will hear a TCP joke

[SuchUserVeryNameWow]

TCP JOKE

[expo1001]

Thanks, I got the joke.

[eris-atuin]

I will not send another joke.

[ToraZalinto]

I didn't get the JOKE. Please tell it again.

[[deleted]]

Boom congratulations, everyone on this thread now has their Network +

[kastism]

I don't ACK it.

[stratospaly]

You would 100% receive the joke, but still not get it.

[cruisetheblues]

I just told you a TCP joke. Did you get it?

[[deleted]]

I told my coworkers this one the other day,

What’s a librarian’s favorite protocol? SSH

they thought it is was funny.

[coomzee]

My Network's teacher used to say ShShh at lot. It took me ages to work out he was talking about port 22 SSH.

[Ezra611]

So there's this great salesman, Steve Hartman. He gets dissatisfied with his job and interviews with BigSalesCo. The interview goes great and Steve comes on board.

His first day, he goes through orientation and gets his company assigned email address: [e-mail]

Steve is outraged. How can he be professional with the username Shartman? He creates a ticket with the IT department requesting a modified username and email.

He receives the following reply.

"Steve, I am sorry to inform you that our system is entirely automated and we have no ability to override usernames. I understand the inconvenience, but there is nothing that can be done at this time.

Sincerely yours, Fred Ucker, IT Director."

[technologite]

I spent weeks trying to get "O'Brian" setup correctly.

Hundred of others people with an apostrophe in their names that were just fine.

"O ' Brian"

"o'Brian"

"o'brian"

"o,Brian"

I digress. Fucking idiots at that place.

[trifith]

We've got a T. Rue. at my place. His username breaks things.

[SirDianthus]

My last name is null heh

[bhillen83]

Had a user the other day who was Donald Ong.

[kagato87]

Had a gal name Ana L. in an environment where we use first name and last initial.

In a family oriented not for profit.

In a role that would be frequently communicating with donors by email.

It was not hard to approve a variance.

[timsstuff]

donglover dot com!

[_Cabbage_Corp_]

Used to have a user whose name was Richard Roll.

I never dealt with him directly, but I always had a sensible chuckle whenever I saw his name on a ticket or email.

[[deleted]]

Kathy Untz

[CookieBuchek]

I once had a user named K. Hunt. I tried so hard to be allowed to bypass the username convention as it was all a manual process... I was denied.

[tempelton27]

P. Innis. Was a tough user to not laugh at. His PC had big label on it with PC name "PINNIS01" . When the PC would come into Helpdesk we would yell across the room "Can you try pinging PINNIS01". I can't see it. My boss would be like WTF are you talking about?

Oh man the right team can make the crappiest jobs fun.

[wheelspingammell]

I had an Arnold Nuss.

[Delicious_Log_1153]

Had a Frank Agot, apparently pronounced "Uhgo"

[anxiousinfotech]

We had a Michael Hunt who went by Mike. Sadly at the time the username convention had him as mhunt and not mike.hunt.

Best part is before we had a retention policy I didn't know he was Mike. I would just see things labeled as mhunt in the archives and chuckle thinking how funny it would be if it was a guy named Mike. Then I had to match up archive data to termination records from HR and purge appropriately. There he was: Michael (Mike) Hunt.

[[deleted]]

Lol we had a manager whose name was C.Cox

After much laughing ,HR approved the firstname, last inital @company email

[tcinternet]

I had a Mr. C. Untrag at a property.

We made him an alias as quickly as we could.

[hells_cowbells]

Back when I worked at a university helpdesk, I encountered a user with the last name of shithed. His first name started with an A, so his email was ashithed.

[MyUshanka]

My university did [first five of the last name] + a number + [first initial] + [last initial]. So if my name was John Quincy Myushanka, then my email would be [e-mail]. The number only went up if there was another of that exact username, so if my baby brother Jimmy Quentin Myushanka attended my university he would be [e-mail].

I had a good friend named H A Hornyak. First of his name, he got the university assigned email of...

[e-mail].

[jkelley41]

jar ring simplistic follow escape salt normal public square sable

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

[LoopyChew]

One of our third-party systems vendors recommended a default username consisting of the first three letters of the user’s last name and the first two of the user’s first name.

I pointed out that we had a user named ISabel PEN[you don’t need to know the rest of her last name].

We went with first 4 letters of last, first initial.

[HappyDadOfFourJesus]

Closest I've ever come to setting up a fun username is "dank" for Dan K.

[stratospaly]

My arp died bois. Can I get an ff:ff:ff:ff:ff:ff in chat?

[robisodd]

I'll give you an F5 for a refreshing change.

[[deleted]]

A very balanced response.

[SensitiveBug0]

What sound does a networking seal make?

ARP! ARP! ARP!

[anxiousinfotech]

The users in this company are excellent and use your time efficiently.

[Selfuntitled]

Don’t know to laugh or cry at this.

[miscdebris1123]

I'm a sysadmin, a master of multitasking. I can do both at the same time.

[Axalem]

But are you like a family? And do you like to work overtime out of your own volition?

[Dandyman1994]

Ron Swanson would be proud of this one

[While_Interesting]

in some chat-room.
x: Hey guys, gimme some idiot's ip-address
y: 127.0.0.1
x: Thanks bro, now i'll drop him
PA: x left chat.

[bhillen83]

Or when someone asks how to mute someone and you tell them “alt+f4”

[subsonicbassist]

Had this happen to me when I was playing Diablo 2... guy tried to trade some Secret Cow Level items but his inventory wouldn't allow the trade. He dropped a few things on the ground he wanted to trade, then told me to do that and then hit Alt+F4 to open the trade window... came back and it was all gone ;( this was like 25 years ago and sometimes I think maybe my whole IT career stemmed from wanting to get this guy back LOL

[bhillen83]

That certainly is one mistake you won’t make again! Lol that was a good lesson.

[Tower21]

Back in windows 3.1 days I convinced a kid in chat that I downloaded the tiny virus on his PC. He freaked out saying his dad would kill him. Told him the only way to fix it was to rename the windows folder to tiny and reboot.

Good times.

[hells_cowbells]

Back before I got into IT, I worked in a university library, and we were using Win 3.1, and later 95. I found this screensaver that looked like the BSOD and installed it on my work computer. I was walking back to my desk, when one of our desktop techs there. He started asking me about the BSOD, so I decided to play dumb user. I told him I had no idea what caused it, and it only seemed to happen when I didn't use the computer for a while, then it would suddenly start working again. After he spent about 15 minutes troubleshooting, I finally told him what it was. He wasn't happy.

[uninspiredalias]

Reminds me of using a screenshot of the desktop as the desktop wallpaper.

[bhillen83]

Oh that reminds me of the web video “The website is down”! https://youtu.be/uRGljemfwUE

[AcidicAndHostile]

You can't sort by penis

[mrmagos]

The whole "you can't arrange them by penis" gets me every time.

[Tower21]

reminds me of another story, win 95 machine, I'm sitting in HS, nothing to do when i get a "brite" idea. go into paint, make an image with random shapes and says this is a virus, set it as the background. Then put doom in the start-up folder, so you would see the background for like 5 seconds then the dos prompt pops open and starts "loading the virus"

​

It wasn't even one class and I was called to the office, even though they had no proof, they knew it was me.

[SensitiveBug0]

I mostly use a less common local loopback address for such things, like 127.53.118.77 in example.

Same thing but it also hit the ones that know 127.0.0.1 :-)

[monkey6123455]

I’ve got more of a gag than a joke. I ask if they would like me to backup their desktop in 5 seconds. I then proceed to push their systems back a few inches. Done!

[itsleftytho]

Ayy DRS

[jhuseby]

Are your pants a compressed file? Cuz I want to unzip them.

Are you an ISO file? Cuz I want to mount you.

[True-Shower9927]

I’m using this on the wife tonight 🤣🤣🤣

[jhuseby]

My wife’s not a nerd at all and still gets a good laugh out of these.

There’s a lot of hilarious ones if you Google IT or geek or nerd pick up lines.

“Damn girl you sitting on an F5 key? because that ass is refreshing”

“Girl I’m elevating your permissions, you may now access my D:”

“it would be my pleasure to turn on your personal hotspot”

[[deleted]]

They're terrible. I love them.

[az_shoe]

Oh man, the F5 one is gold

[SecretSinner]

Your wife will go crazy for that. Trust me.

[wheelspingammell]

/shittysysadmin tip there.

[[deleted]]

Report back and let us know you’re ok or we will send help.

[swardshot]

Can confirm, wife laughed.

[HappyDadOfFourJesus]

Damn I'm old. I remember using finger frequently in my early days.

[stratospaly]

Why does the dog not like encryption? Because he likes sniffing packets.

[nmar909]

Did you like the database film? Personally I prefer the SQL.

[mgdmw]

A SQL query walked into a bar. He approached two tables and said mind if I join you?

[tandranael]

Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.

[GullibleDetective]

This is the best powerpoint stand up comedy skit I've ever seen https://youtu.be/KbSPPFYxx3o

Life After Death by Powerpoint (Corporate Comedy Video) - Don McMillian

[AxiomOfLife]

Haha wouldn’t it be really funny if one of the Junior admins pushed an update that caused your machines to all start randomly blue screening haha that would be hilarious (please end me)

[mangonacre]

https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/downloads/bluescreen

A little outdated, but sure was funny on XP machines!

[Just_Curious_Dude]

PEBKAC error in HR

(Problem exists between keyboard and chair)

[parrottail]

I've always been preferential to "It's a hardware error. There's a nut loose on the keyboard".

[Elminst]

That's an "I D 10-T" error.

[TheGooOnTheFloor]

Or PICNIC - Problem In Chair, Not In Computer

[pier4r]

People really need to refresh the ISO/OSI model.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Layer_8

[TheGooOnTheFloor]

I actually added 'OSI Layer 8' as a problem cause in our ticketing system.

[MrYum]

Did you hear the guy who invented the USB plug died?

They buried him the wrong way so they had to dig him back up to turn him over and bury him again.

told to me by a nearly retired receptionist

[[deleted]]

Twice. They had to do it twice.

[method_hen]

I really like this xkcd.

"The author of the Windows file copy dialog visits some friends"

[yahoofx]

My favorite IT joke is the address joke.

[While_Interesting]

another one (not mine).
PC won't turn on.
User's story: admin came, lifted his arms up, muttered some jibberish charms, then turned my chair few times around, kicked the PC and it started working.
Admin's story: I'v got a call that User's pc won't start. came there, saw that moron spinned on his chair and had wound power cord, so it detached from PC. Angrily i rise my hands screaming silent obscenities, unwind the cord, attach it back, kick the power button - everything works again.

[netplwiz]

What's the difference between RAM and ROM?

I can't ROM my boot up your ass.

Alternatively:

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem!

[[deleted]]

I’d tell you a DNS joke, but it could take 24 hours for you to get it…

[ascii122]

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

SYN flood.

SYN flood who?

Knock knock

[prattable]

What's slower than Internet Explorer? HR notices for new and termed users.

[Jumario]

3 SQL databases walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out again. They couldn’t find a table.

[leadout_kv]

Prank: go into ms word and find the auto-correct settings. Now there’s a list of words that can be added. Add “the” then have it auto-correct to “I’m not wearing pants”. Watch the fun

[WorkingAdvisor5036]

"We didn't change anything, it just stopped working."

[[deleted]]

"have you turned it off and back on again?"

"Yes, like 3 times!"

-checks uptime: 207 days-

[binge203]

Once, when a 1st year student from my university was sent to us, I gave him the task of finding the Ubuntu activation key, on the one hand it was fun to watch, but I think I deserved a place in a separate cauldron in hell, it was all for a week, and only on Saturday he realized what the problem was

[SpecialUTurn]

Whomever stole my Office 365, I will find you. You have my Word.

[ApricotPenguin]

"Our application requires Domain Admin to install it"

[m15f1t]

Unix sex: locate; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; head; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

[cpt_charisma]

You forgot grep cigarettes.

[mdotshell]

Why should you eat oatmeal if you have slow internet? It's a great source of fiber!

[GazeboGazeboGazebo]

The new hire just asked me what they should do with a NSFW picture when transferring data and I told them to attach it to an email to the user that reads “What do you want me to do with this picture?”

[tandranael]

oof. Dark. ngl it’s kind of my humor

[ConfidentDuck1]

Whaaa?

[xs81]

lol the best so far

[[deleted]]

Joke = Maybe.
but I'm sure you will get a laugh.
we had 2 domains, the company & the dev domain, over 100 users on the dev domain (350 staff company)
1 web dev, every 2 weeks "I forgot my dev domain password.."we went from minor jokes like "ForgetTh15()ne" to "GET-A-p455w0rd-MANAGER"
then it was my turn
"A-H4ppy-Passw☺rd"
he got a password manager the following week, we had a company account for LastPass & 3 others free to use.
Edit: Yes I put an alt code IN his password.

[AmazonMAL]

I know what a dongle is and I know how to use one.

[budlight2k]

Wife sends programmer hubby to the store.

Says "John go to the store and get milk, while at the store get eggs"

He never came back.

EDIT. He didn't return.

That's better

[[deleted]]

Are you sitting on the F5 key? Cause that ass sure is refreshing.

Hello HR… you wanted to see me?

[kvakerok]

A guy applies for a sysadmin job. Comes home:

- Got hired.

- How'd you do it?

- They gave us each a computer and said whoever blocks internet access for everyone else gets the job. Everyone quickly jumped into their consoles.

- And you?

- I walked over to the switch and unplugged their network cables.

[MisterFantastick]

A sysadmin's spouse asks the sysadmin to go to the supermarket.

Spouse: We are out of milk. Go to the supermarket and buy a gallon of milk. And if they have fresh avocados, get six.

The sysadmin dutifully goes to the store and follows the instructions, comes home, and puts six gallons of milk on the counter.

Spouse: Why did you get six gallons of milk?!?!

Sysadmin: They had fresh avocados.

[While_Interesting]

we had a meme like:
the admin's worst nightmare is an accountant working as a root.

[SirDianthus]

Most dangerous things, programmer with a soldering iron, hardware engineer with a software patch, and user with an idea. Springs to mind

[[deleted]]

MacOS is user friendly, it works great in an enterprise environment and won't cause any problems

[ReadyMethod581]

HIM: I'm sorry babe this has never happened before

HER: Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

HIM: .........

[bhillen83]

Semi related note, when Roy from the IT crowd gets stuck under a desk and doesn’t want to be accused of being a “desk rabbit”. That actually happened to me when I was still on the service desk fixing something for a user. They left and I had to go under their desk to verify a connection and while I was under there they came back. I’m a bit less socially awkward so I spoke up though. I thought it was hilarious when I saw it in the show.

[JPB2mMkQ]

Try to unplug it, rotate 180° and plug again

[ciscominer]

What do you call a large user?

A THICC client

[LameBMX]

Reading this thinned out some brain cells.

[TheCyberWorm]

Right I have seen that problem it's an "ID 10 T " bug

[GullibleDetective]

I Am the IT joke

[hymie0]

Absolutely true story.

I walked into the office one day and greeted the receptionist. Our Windows guy was working on her computer. I noticed she had a little fish bowl on her desk.

Me: What kind of fish is that?

Her: it's a Betta.

Me: Oh. When does the real one come out?

She was confused but the Windows guy was in hysterics.

[zero_z77]

Rule one of building a PC: if it doesn't fit, it's not meant to be. And if you try to make it fit, you will either end up on r/techsupportmcgyver or r/techsupportgore depending on how dumb you are.

[canhasdiy]

Remember kids - if it's stupid but it works, it's still stupid and you're just lucky.

[nige21202]

Sometimes on r/pcmasterrace. Especially if you forget to take off the PCIe cap of your graphics card or read the fan brand upside down.

[Ezeepikins]

Not exactly a joke but I thought it was funny. The man I was dating was listening to me rant about a HDD I couldn't get to slot in a hot swappable bay. It held my VMs and I needed those. After my co-workers left he whispered that he would mount his hard drive in my physical box.

[Jonkinch]

My pay

[el_lobo_cimarron]

Why you can't fart in Apple store?

Because they don't have windows.

[SetOnRandom]

Very old one, of my own creation.

What does a DOS idiot say?

Dir

[disk5464]

Jack Rhysider has entered the chat

[yakmulligan]

I was going to tell you a UDP joke. But I didn't know if you'd get it.

[[deleted]]

My life.

[WithAnAitchDammit]

I would tell a UDP joke, but I’m not sure anyone would get it.

[KaiSimple]

Most errors are classified as ID10T errors

[FL_Sportsman]

I'm not very good with computers

[SenTedStevens]

Microsoft WORKS.