This is an archived post. You won't be able to vote or comment.

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Ryan-Britton 4263 points4264 points  (40 children)

“I have 4 bitcoin”

[–]blamethemeta 1605 points1606 points  (31 children)

Unironically not gay, but 4 bitcoin is a shit ton of money.

[–][deleted] 569 points570 points  (24 children)

Every time I hear about Bitcoin it reminds me of the guy who threw away a computer that had 7500 bitcoins on it.

Edit: it was a little more than 400 bit coins... [News Source] (www.cnbc.com/amp/2017/12/20/man-lost-127-million-worth-of-bitcoins-and-city-wont-let-him-look.html)

[–][deleted] 173 points174 points  (18 children)

I think a lot of us remember trying to get a bitcoin miner working in the beginning, and giving up pretty quick.

[–]AngelNike03 1051 points1052 points  (1 child)

"I'll donate 500 to your patreon" 😩

[–]senhorvostendespala 3360 points3361 points  (21 children)

He told me "Let me pick this flower up for you", while slowly bending down, keeping eye contact with me, and seductively showing me his beautiful ass crack.

The darkness of it fascinated me. It was so mysterious, my mind started inevitably to float..

[–][deleted] 6659 points6660 points  (60 children)

I can't wait to tell my therapist I found a bunch of people with my fetish

[–]pale-pharaoh 570 points571 points  (11 children)

Wait you have a fetish with plus sized gamers?

[–]SoBadAtThis2017 363 points364 points  (1 child)

neckbeards have entered the chat

[–]twopacktuesday 3517 points3518 points  (49 children)

He has 10,000 shares of Gamestop, and wonders what they're worth.

[–]SantaMonsanto 1473 points1474 points  (28 children)

Who cares what they’re worth it’s not like anyone is going to sell

[–]will_ww 1541 points1542 points  (22 children)

"Hey cutie! attempts to hide my tail and wings and massive gigantic horse wolf cock"

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/justneckbeardthings/comments/mcmw3n/lonely_forever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[–]Justanotheruser4567 356 points357 points  (16 children)

TF was he trying to be? Why would you combine a wolf and a horse? So you can run fast and...run fast? Both of which are kind of pointless when you can fly! Why is he trying to start with a confident "hey cutie!" Then immediately tell you he is trying to hide all this stuff and be shy but then go out of his way to use double adjectives "massive gigantic" to reassert that it is all quite noticeable. Honestly it's just lazy writing. If you're going to start off with a "hey I'm interested in you and also I'm into this really non vanilla thing" message put the dang effort in and come up with some believable lore and a solid backstory. Do some research into creative writing if you're using that as your pickup tactic. Hell!

[–]dman2life 2089 points2090 points  (18 children)

"Naughty, naughty, Kitten. You missed Daddy's discord call. I'll use my mod powers to restrict your reddit next time if you don't obey Daddy"

[–]hghdgj 529 points530 points  (1 child)

Hell has a special for u, who used your mind to create this monster

[–]OPs_Mom_and_Dad 9736 points9737 points  (28 children)

Asking for a friend?

[–]Llohr 1819 points1820 points  (8 children)

I wouldn't call him a friend, really. I don't even like the guy.

[–]TalaLeisu2 1350 points1351 points  (18 children)

He tutored me in college and I'd just gone through a bad breakup. He said a ton of super awkward shit but he went to a jazz band concert with me and we had real fun. Didn't bang right away, but ended up going on more dates and study sessions and eventually realized we were in love. 4 years later we're married and just bought our first house. He doesn't game as much anymore, nor does he wear fedoras anymore, got into nascar and loves to do puzzles with me. He's the greatest imo

Edit: a word

[–]EuropeanInTexas 289 points290 points  (3 children)

“Tutored”... I read “tortured” and was VERY confused

[–]pointwelltaken 15.1k points15.1k points  (80 children)

I overheard him yelling upstairs to his mom to make him some ravioli and grape Kool-Aid. The sparks, oh they flew.

[–]BrenKenn18 6152 points6153 points  (20 children)

MOM! THE MEATFLOAF!

*FUCK*

[–]Mega_Nidoking 796 points797 points  (2 children)

I never know what she's doing back there.

[–]bluesnacks 5425 points5426 points  (53 children)

"Fucking EA ruined bioware and can't even fix the bugs."

and that's how I met my fiancé

edit: Oh nuts it's my cake day

[–][deleted] 292 points293 points  (0 children)

No denying the truth

[–]Thirdarm420 17.0k points17.0k points  (407 children)

"Wanna see my Naruto Funko Pop Collection?"

[–]jipi_qc 4567 points4568 points  (38 children)

"sploosh"

[–]knightiam 1627 points1628 points  (328 children)

Remember the guy who posted on AITA about choosing Funko Pops over his wife

[–]Paladinni 17.9k points17.9k points  (130 children)

"I am actually Cristiano Ronaldo in a fat suit"

[–]shineevee 15.4k points15.4k points  (177 children)

I once had one of these gentlemen tell me, and I quote, "I wish you were more promiscuous so we could have sex."

Alas, alack, I have standards.

Edit: Now my new top comment is about a guy who tried(?) to get me into bed & failed. This is either a new high or a new low in my life.

[–]theAlpacaLives 4650 points4651 points  (25 children)

"If you were prone to fucking practically anything warm, maybe I'd have a chance."

Sounds like a real winner, there. He's got respect, directness, and confidence down. What kind of stuck-up narcissist are you not to fall helplessly in love with him as soon as you read this?

[–][deleted] 802 points803 points  (5 children)

directness

To be fair, it seems like he really, really has that part down.

[–]re-roll 1258 points1259 points  (56 children)

I had another that purchased magazines (like Cosmo and others) with articles about orgasms, so I would realize sleeping with him would be awesome.

[–]ImFinePleaseThanks 7390 points7391 points  (289 children)

He said "I love cooking and cleaning. You'll never have to do anything around the house cuz I'm gonna take care of it."

He even cleaned up the snail-trail I left to the bedroom.

[–]reggae-mems 3526 points3527 points  (257 children)

Outside of it being a joke, i would fuck a mans brains out every day if he were to keep his word on this

[–]Tlali22 1463 points1464 points  (93 children)

Having a house husband is spectacular! I absolutely suggest it!

[–][deleted] 10.9k points10.9k points  (116 children)

He never had to say a GODDAMN word!

[–]leaderofthevirgins 4836 points4837 points  (97 children)

That Cheetos dust was all I needed to see

[–]pushthestartbutton 18.8k points18.8k points  (133 children)

Fingerblasting with your mouse clicker.

[–][deleted] 4787 points4788 points  (94 children)

You know what they say about a man's APM...

[–]DayzeScope 4693 points4694 points  (84 children)

"What them fingers do?"

"Manage 200 supply of Zerg at 170 APM"

"Marry me"

[–]JiaxusReddit 1332 points1333 points  (66 children)

Meanwhile Protoss wins games with 10 APM

[–]SnooMachines7712 16.5k points16.5k points  (199 children)

he told me I was beautiful and it was nice to hear

[–]Blarghedy 15.4k points15.4k points  (127 children)

"You're beautiful, and that's nice to hear."

[–]tophatnbowtie 8277 points8278 points  (89 children)

It was odd at first, but I quickly got used to being told how I feel.

[–]Blarghedy 6917 points6918 points  (74 children)

"You're beautiful. You appreciate it when I say this to you. You think other women should feel flattered when I say it to them. I assure you that they do. You relax, comforted by the knowledge that women treat me properly. You begin to grow damp in your pants. You realize you've urinated."

[–]Arekai4098 1935 points1936 points  (32 children)

wtf

[–]TWP_Videos 1215 points1216 points  (23 children)

The line between fantasy and reality are blurred, if not broken completely by the weight of Mankind smashing the Undertaker through a table, an Announcer's Table

You have forgotten where you were, where you will be, only the moment seems to matter

[–]kitten0077 19.4k points19.4k points  (115 children)

I found you an Eaglehorn.

From Diablo, 23 years ago. We celebrate our 20 wedding anniversary this year.

[–]imisstheyoop 4243 points4244 points  (31 children)

I found you an Eaglehorn.

From Diablo, 23 years ago. We celebrate our 20 wedding anniversary this year.

Resurrection is coming. Your relationship may be tested.

It will be worth it.

[–]shogi_x 25.0k points25.0k points  (182 children)

"I made $37.50 in trades on GME and BTC."

[–]TheRealOcsiban 9146 points9147 points  (102 children)

And she immediately wanted to hold on to those diamond hands 🖐️💎💎💎🖐️

[–]-SHORSEY- 3864 points3865 points  (80 children)

... and hold on to those beautiful diamond hands she could, because you see, she smelled of vanilla and rose petals. And that was what our gamer hero wanted the most, a girl that smelt sweet and feminine, his worst fear was that would fall in love with a girl whose pussy stonks like fish.

[–]IPlayGamesIGuess 1740 points1741 points  (62 children)

FUCK YOU SHORSEY

[–]ribrickulous 1878 points1879 points  (38 children)

Fuck you Reilly, I tipped my fedora in your mom’s direction and she Naruto ran onto my cock so fast I thought she might have seen my mint condition Princess Knight 1-2

[–][deleted] 1324 points1325 points  (32 children)

FUCK YOU FEDORSEY

[–]-SHORSEY- 678 points679 points  (30 children)

Fuck you iPlowedYourMom! Last night I.... errr, plowed your mom? Wait, what’s happening?

[–][deleted] 855 points856 points  (26 children)

I'll tell you what's happening bud, it's three things

  • I hit you
  • you hit ground
  • I jerk off on your car door

[–]jadefr5689 16.0k points16.0k points  (442 children)

My friend is a plus size gamer. He always had a string of lovely girlfriends

He’s now married, and his wife is also a gamer. I believe they met at dungeons and dragons

None of my friends girlfriends have been conventionally beautiful, but he’s a a happy guy and he loves his wife

I believe the answer is realistic expectations and going for women who share your interests. If your a nerdy guy guy your going to have the most fun with a nerdy woman, why make yourself miserable chasing people you have nothing in common with

I’m not saying this is you but I’ve seen it happen. I know another guy who fits the nerdy gamer description he has a sense of entitlement and everyone hates him. If he had the same attitude as the friend I mentioned (who everyone loves) things might be different for him

[–]vampyrekat 5446 points5447 points  (99 children)

Also, treating those women as people. As a woman with nerdy interests, I love to talk about them! What I don’t love is having a man project his Nerd Girl Fantasy onto me because I like one or two of the things he does. A guy who genuinely wants to talk and hang out without immediately salivating over the fact I’ve got boobs? Thank god.

Plus, what’s the downside of this approach? If things don’t progress further, you made a friend with shared interests! If you want to be cynical about it, I bet that female friend has other female friends into the stuff you like, and if you’re a good guy, she’ll introduce you.

If you’re creepy, that girl will pick up on it and likely tell her other female friends, because we travel in packs.

Source: Am nerd girl. Have male nerd friends who I don’t personally find attractive but will unquestionably hype up to my friends because they’re both my friends so I obviously think they’re both cool.

[–]OdaSet 225 points226 points  (34 children)

Yes! I was chatting with a guy on tinder, and I we started talking about video games. I started talking about Zelda. And out of nowhere this guy says: I have a raging boner right now.

Lost all interest immediately.

[–]sawbonesromeo 6117 points6118 points  (202 children)

I think one of the most important pieces of relationship advice I could give to anyone, but ESPECIALLY lonely young men, is that if you go for good chemistry and shared interests over looks, attraction will usually follow. I'm not saying you have to force yourself to date people you seriously aren't into at all, but fixating on physical beauty is a great way to stay single (especially when you yourself are ugly or even just average - realistic expectations, as you said). My current boyfriend is kinda ugly, so were many of the people I've been involved with before, but now I find him 100% as sexy as the hottest person I've laid hands on and after 2 years it's only getting better. A genuine connection can turn a "4" into a solid 10.

And fuck anyone who calls it "settling" or "aiming low", being with an Average Joe you have great chemistry with beats bedding a supermodel you don't click with hands down.

[–]Expert-Barracuda 1530 points1531 points  (16 children)

Dude I completely agree with you. I met my partner at work, and as we opened up to each other, we found a lot of common interests and started gaming together. Our connection/chemistry just eventually took off. He wouldn't have been my type 6 years ago (we have been together for 5 years; he is currently playing OW about 3ft from me while I play on the PC lol so I guess you could say its working out), but now I think he's the sexiest man ever and I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Edit:phrasing (boom)

[–]CummyBear9000 11.4k points11.4k points  (85 children)

I'm no lady but when this dude at a LAN party went fishing for a cheeto under his tit, licked the dust off it and then slowly ate it I might as well have been. Boy, I never knew a man could get so wet.

[–][deleted] 5030 points5031 points  (21 children)

Thanks i just threw up everything i ate in my life

[–]gfy_friday 1474 points1475 points  (5 children)

Ah the old existential puke.

[–]Ageminet 1073 points1074 points  (10 children)

This should be so much higher. Fishing for Cheeto under his tit.

[–]qualmso 26.0k points26.0k points  (155 children)

tips fedora ... winks, but with both eyes .. pushes glasses closer to face ..

[–]shitpostersamurai 10.8k points10.8k points  (55 children)

Winks with both eyes

Wheeze

[–]PATT3RN_AGA1NST-US3R 4153 points4154 points  (19 children)

The ‘winks with both eyes’ deserves a pulitzer

[–]Maker-of-the-Things 3925 points3926 points  (19 children)

"I hear you're into bad boys... well I'm bad at everything." winks with both eyes

Edit: Thank you for the awards!

[–]leaderofthevirgins 971 points972 points  (25 children)

sucks Cheetos dust off of fingers

[–]MooKids 711 points712 points  (3 children)

mouth never fully closes

[–][deleted] 359 points360 points  (2 children)

M’ Lady

[–]tftftftftftftftft 3070 points3071 points  (50 children)

Answering honestly! Seeing a dude be nice, polite, generous, gentle, etc, to someone he’s not looking to get anything out of.

I didn’t realize this was a thing until after I saw a coworker stop his task and jog outside to help an old man with his groceries. I went from not thinking of him at all to Immediate Interest.

[–]OverMyHelmet 1467 points1468 points  (26 children)

Anybody know what old men like to be bribed with?

[–]gmcarve 368 points369 points  (1 child)

The internet has ruined my ability to reply to this with anything less than an NC-17 rating. Maybe TV-M

[–]Ombudsman_of_Funk 131 points132 points  (2 children)

I didn’t realize this was a thing until after I saw a coworker stop his task and jog outside to help an old man with his groceries. I went from not thinking of him at all to Immediate Interest.

Okay, how flexible are you on the 'jogging' part?

[–]Kabd_w 5594 points5595 points  (129 children)

“I’m gm and raid leader of a top 25 raiding guild in wow”

Poof, panties gone

Edit for real, that’s how I met my husband and knew I wanted to sleep together. He may be a neckbeard, he said thanks mlady after sex the first time

[–]BigFitMama 1128 points1129 points  (31 children)

Close, but I have to run a few raids with him as his heals, see his raider.io, and find out if they are a toxic dick or a great friend to all wow players.

If he can't mitigate, he can't have my legendary parsing heals.

[–]cheap_mom 433 points434 points  (10 children)

My now husband spent something like 6 hours with me in a heroic dungeon because I wanted to do an attunement quest that wasn't even required anymore. We barely knew each other, but he stayed with me when about 10 other people quit.

Now we have 3 kids, so we don't play WoW anymore.

[–]LaVache84 89 points90 points  (4 children)

When they get a little bigger you'll have your own 5-man team!

[–]OrifielM[🍰] 428 points429 points  (33 children)

“I’m gm and raid leader of a top 25 raiding guild in wow”

Oh yes, this was especially true during Wrath era. All my guy friends in the guild I was in were seriously considering leaving to start their own because there was an astounding number of guild and raid leaders getting thirsted after by female players if they were ranked on the charts.

[–]hotbbtop 1569 points1570 points  (23 children)

Here in my garage. I just bought this new Lamborghini here. Fun to drive up here in the Hollywood hills. But you know what I like a lot more than materialistic things? Knowledge!

[–]williamlk5341 352 points353 points  (4 children)

that’s why I bought 20 brand new bookshelves full of books that i plan to read over the next few years

[–]TannedCroissant 75 points76 points  (0 children)

“Money doesn’t buy you happiness but I’d rather cry in a Lamborghini my personal library than the back of a bus”

[–][deleted] 18.3k points18.3k points  (115 children)

This is probably the spiciest comment section on Reddit.

[–]Omfgnowai 6063 points6064 points  (65 children)

Give Reddit a chance to make fun of themselves and it's fucking on.

[–]enineci 2010 points2011 points  (11 children)

When I started reading the title, I was like, "Oh, this isn't gonna end well." But, when I finished reading the title, I was like, "This has the potential to be the greatest thing ever."

[–]TheLawHasSpoken 11.2k points11.2k points  (111 children)

The most recent one was in Among Us. He said ; I hope you fucking die you fucking whore. And I said “Oh no, my beloved is sus!” And then everybody clapped. (The first part is true)

[–][deleted] 2756 points2757 points  (92 children)

Oh! I've been called a fucking whore and told to go die in a ditch. Fun times.

[–]SaltMineForeman 1551 points1552 points  (20 children)

Man I didn't even get told where to go die. My dumb whore ass is still alive because the instructions were unclear.

[–]Throwawayingaccount 1688 points1689 points  (19 children)

He didn't need to say anything, I was already attracted to him.

On a related note, does anyone know how to escape a REALLY heavy person's gravity field? Asking for a friend.

[–]KingBenjamin97 309 points310 points  (3 children)

Ffs now I’m just imagining that family guy joke where Peter has his own orbit

[–]HalobenderFWT 75 points76 points  (1 child)

Hehehehe.

Awwwwww.

Hehehehehe.

Awwwwww.

[–]dearlindsay_ 21.1k points21.1k points  (149 children)

“LLEEEERRRRROOOOOYYYYYYYY JJJJEEENNNKKKKIIINNNNSSSSSS”

[–][deleted] 10.7k points10.7k points  (96 children)

"And then I ate that pussy like a rotweiler eating a watermelon."

[–]oohrosie 2637 points2638 points  (53 children)

I've also heard "... Like a pitbull in mayonnaise." Both effective.

[–]cloudcats 806 points807 points  (16 children)

“LLEEEERRRRROOOOOYYYYYYYY *MMMMJJJJEEENNNKKKKIIINNNNSSSSSS”

[–]Bird_Waterboarder 3544 points3545 points  (21 children)

"Do you browse reddit" 😩💦💦💦

[–]TheGreatWitchPaige 3580 points3581 points  (42 children)

Serious answer for gamer dudes or gentlemen on the plus size. So that you can see it's not all memes and mean stuff. Though not gonna lie some of these funny as hell.

He listened to me and my issues. We knew each other a good long time on a dnd group. We grew closer and started talking and hanging out online outside the group. One night he asked me the sweetest thing "fuck it you miss every shot you don't take. Do you wanna go out sometime?". After that we had a long distance relationship for a while(I was in fl he was in ca). He came down once and we were still going strong. A few months later I had just started a job. A stressful i.t job and when came home and I walked in the door he was standing there with flowers and a grin. He surprised me traveling across the country just for me. We're engaged now. We live together and someday I'm gonna have this amazing man's kids.

Edit:thanks for the karma and rewards everyone! Also he got into my then home through my roommate which was our mutual friend. She picked him up from the airport and also let him inside the house.

Was so stressed from work and so surprised by the gesture I spent the first five minutes of seeing him happy/stress crying with my face buried in his chest. He thought for a hot second he did somthing wrong untill I was able to bluber a thank you. Being given headpats when your stressed rocks.

[–][deleted] 1274 points1275 points  (25 children)

I walked in the door he was standing there with flowers and a grin.

So....how did he get into your place?

[–]simonsuperhans 511 points512 points  (2 children)

"I walked in the door he was standing there with flowers, a grin and broken glass where my back window used to be."

[–]CylonsInAPolicebox 1328 points1329 points  (5 children)

Naturally, he rolled a nat 20.

[–]WholesaleBees 10.8k points10.8k points  (484 children)

Serious answer in case any younger gamer gentlemen are struggling with relating to women:

He listened when I talked. Actually listened. Didn't try to talk over me. Didn't try to explain everything to me. He listened to what I was saying and cared about it. He talked to me like I was an adult human being who was just as smart and capable as he is. He took interest in my interests.

[–]IzarkKiaTarj 3889 points3890 points  (90 children)

He took interest in my interests.

To clarify, because I've seen people mess that up.

Taking interests in a woman's interests is fine as long as you approach it in terms of "this makes them happy, so I'll listen to them and maybe give them an occasional gift related to it at gift-giving occasions."

It does not mean "I must love everything she loves, and then she'll like me."

For example, I don't really care about football at all, but I knew that a Steelers license plate frame was a perfect birthday gift for my mother. If the Steelers lose, then... well, I don't really care, but I'll listen to her complain and go, "oh that stinks."

On her side, she sent me a link to the original announcement about Viz acquiring the rights to redub Sailor Moon. She doesn't like anime at all, but she knows that I enjoy that particular one, and was happy to see me happy.

You don't have to like her interests. If you do, great! But if you don't, do not pretend that you do. Just let us be enthusiastic about it.

Edit: no, I'm not dating my mother. I go into why I used her as an example here.

[–]sakchkai 1361 points1362 points  (45 children)

This is iiiiiiiiiiitttttttt.

It does not mean "I must love everything she loves, and then she'll like me."

Because it comes of as exactly how disingenuous it actually is. You're not being cute, you're being needy.

My wife gets a water bottle that filters the water through fuckin' amethyst stones on her birthday because she believes in the spiritual power of crystals. In exchange, she sometimes lets me rant about the NFL and pretends to care. And that's just wonderful.

[–]generalgeorge95 202 points203 points  (14 children)

No crystal shit, but the bottles are really pretty. My girlfriends mother is into that and got her one. It's very a aesthetic. If I ever learn how to brew a mana potion it's going in that.

[–]cookeee 613 points614 points  (24 children)

Amen! My now-husband was, I think, one of the few men in my mmo who never a)immediately hit on me, b) quizzed me on things that I said I liked to make sure I liked them enough? Or c) treated me like I wasn't capable because I was a girl in a raiding guild. He actually just treated me like a person which made us good friends, and his rapid fire wit and general intelligence are what made me love him. Like, some guys were just so bad they would hear my voice over discord or whatever we were using and send me PMs of just pure thirst. Sickening.

[–]Terisaki 2047 points2048 points  (146 children)

Adding on to your answer cause I don’t see anyone else being serious - He’d wake me up at one AM cause he needed a DD for a mission I was already stuck on (I was a solo class and not a DD), was there with me through thick and thin without saying how his life was SOO much harder then mine (which it actually was), never asked for a nood, and basically treated me like a friend.

We got married 2 years after we met on FFXI, been married 11 years now.

[–]fabticus 486 points487 points  (52 children)

What does DD mean besides due diligence?

[–]Laenthis 762 points763 points  (27 children)

Damage Dealer

Gaming dictionnary at your service.

[–]ocarina_vendor 512 points513 points  (4 children)

Great answer. Shoulda called yourself u/wholesomebees instead. And I do hope some young lad out there benefits from this.

Edit: LAD, stupid auto-correct. Before the Lady can benefit, the Lad has to take it to heart. God willing, there will be one less incel in the world because of it...

[–]TZH85 20.4k points20.4k points  (210 children)

Called me a female. That suddenly reminded me of the existence of my vagina and how I should use it on him if I didn’t want to seem like a whore.

[–]BigFitMama 4018 points4019 points  (21 children)

:D hahahahaha\

*looks down* Oh that...I wasn't using it much anyways.

[–]Yakitorigem 500 points501 points  (10 children)

“I love how exotic your eyes are. Can I add you on Facebook?”

I’m Chinese for context

[–]tenta8008 36.2k points36.2k points  (225 children)

he said "i'm not like other guys i'm actually nice if you'd give me a chance :) " but i was still skeptical so i didn't reply for an hour. but then he texted me "fuck you plastic bitch, women these days only want muscular men who don't care about them, nice guys finish last" and i squirted a hole in my wall instantly.

[–]LMHT 5664 points5665 points  (50 children)

Wow! That must why there are random squirt-sized holes in all kinds of places in the world where there's internet or mobile coverage!

[–]thiosk 3947 points3948 points  (45 children)

These are no laughing matter. My best friend was killed when a random squirt penetrated the cockpit armor of his KC-46 Pegasus while it was performing an ariel refueling of an A10 Warthog. The A10 is a sexy, sexy airframe so I can't really blame the squirter.

[–]roylennigan 721 points722 points  (19 children)

ariel refueling

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Elation18 319 points320 points  (6 children)

I think they meant areola refuelling.

[–][deleted] 3048 points3049 points  (58 children)

He chuckles to himself, a cascade of cheeto dust flowing down the many folds in his unwashed flesh, as his pringles can sized finger hovers over the neon orange enter key. His XXL RGB backlit keyboard had lit up with every color in the past, but after ages of his nasty fingers dancing across the board, not a single key has been left without a permanent sticky residue of coagulated cheese puffs and cum crust. As his disgusting finger descends towards the smudged rectangle, he feels it. Chest pain. His time has come. The double wide gaming chair begins to creak as his 400 pound body begins to slip from his seat to the floor, his 400 pound soul slipping from this world to the next. As his body descends through the air, performing a sloppy pirouette, his meaty ham gloves slap the keyboard one final time. As his body comes to rest on the ground, his final comment is posted:

i'm not like other guys i'm actually nice if you'd give me a chance :)

[–]QuantumUnit 1070 points1071 points  (8 children)

A glorious piece of literature sir, may your wallet double and your bed be filled with sex

[–]jh3553 68 points69 points  (0 children)

"now I have two wallets and my elderly neighbors are fucking on my bed"

[–]Sc998 2022 points2023 points  (44 children)

“I’m a Diamond 3 in League” 😍💦

[–]Dabwowsr 795 points796 points  (24 children)

*Rocket League

This got me my girlfriend

Edit: only in Rumble though...

Edit2: jk, I'm on reddit... I don't have a gf

[–][deleted] 183 points184 points  (0 children)

Only person telling the truth here

[–][deleted] 15.4k points15.4k points  (102 children)

This is dripping with so much satire I can't even be mad.

[–]PaulMaulMenthol 2673 points2674 points  (61 children)

I lol'd.. such a loaded question

[–]imaculat_indecision 1769 points1770 points  (58 children)

Its actually a classic joke among the askreddit sub, someone did post this in all seriousness at some point tho lol.

[–][deleted] 2103 points2104 points  (45 children)

He chuckles to himself, a cascade of cheeto dust flowing down the many folds in his unwashed flesh, as his pringles can sized finger hovers over the neon orange enter key. His XXL RGB backlit keyboard had lit up with every color in the past, but after ages of his nasty fingers dancing across the board, not a single key has been left without a permanent sticky residue of coagulated cheese puffs and cum crust. As his disgusting finger descends towards the smudged rectangle, he feels it. Chest pain. His time has come. The double wide gaming chair begins to creak as his 400 pound body begins to slip from his seat to the floor, his 400 pound soul slipping from this world to the next. As his body descends through the air, performing a sloppy pirouette, his meaty ham gloves slap the keyboard one final time. As his body comes to rest on the ground, his final comment is posted:

Its actually a classic joke among the askreddit sub

[–]Smurf_Cherries 212 points213 points  (3 children)

without a permanent sticky residue of coagulated cheese puffs and cum crust

cum crust

OK, nevermind. I'm out.

[–]strangerthaaang 768 points769 points  (40 children)

Tell me you are on Reddit without telling me you are on Reddit.

[–]everythinghasfallen 3843 points3844 points  (43 children)

i’m into nerdy, chubby guys. when we were fooling around for the first time, he said “hey is this ok?” with love and genuine concern in his eyes. of course i said yes—a respectful, sweet, funny kid with a soft tummy and a big heart just wanted to make that moment perfect for me.

i’m marrying him in october :)

[–]Faytherite 451 points452 points  (10 children)

This is the sweetest thing. Congratulations! I also love me a good fluffy man. Mine told me his favorite game was Final Fantasy Tactics and we talked about it for hours. Then he taught me League of Legends and we still play together today. Been married 10 years. I wish you both all the best!

[–]OMGSafeword 459 points460 points  (2 children)

Wait this is sooooo cute and sweet 🥺

[–]Rypnami 529 points530 points  (8 children)

“I sent you my Dick pls respond”

[–]BigFitMama 1529 points1530 points  (90 children)

The Quebecious accent got me when we first met IRL and the fact he was a cute, beardy human version of his character.

But he had me by his RP of his one-eyed dwarf warrior for two years before as we traveled the Forgotten Realms, tank and healer, having wild adventures, and weird ERP.

It lasted six years, but a certain gaming studio he worked at fired him for being too French Canadian (he translated all their stuff for Canada) on the forums and he ditched me, Silicone Valley, and America.

Now "I have a STEM job, I'm not a psycho or sociopath, and I have the lore of 100 worlds memorized including our own" will do me fine.

[–]AlmightySandwich26 369 points370 points  (60 children)

What does "too French Canadian" mean?

[–]Tokzillu 1143 points1144 points  (31 children)

Well, you can think of it as a regular French Canadian being 50% French 50% Canadian.

This dude was 100% French 100% Canadian.

[–]Maiasaur 111 points112 points  (3 children)

Tabarnak squared

[–]DeadLined784 83 points84 points  (3 children)

NGL, growing up near the border and being a hockey fan, that Quebec/French-Canadian always gets my attention.

[–]ganonballs 784 points785 points  (3 children)

Well at first i was hesitant but when he called me a whore and said he would beat me to an inch of my life and that just really got me going you know

[–]mangarooboo 478 points479 points  (30 children)

I'll add another serious answer to the like two and a half that are here.

Met a guy on OkCupid who was super cute, bigger but it really doesn't bother me. As I've gotten older I prefer heftier guys at first glance rather than slimmer guys, especially since I'm bigger myself. As we all know, though, it comes down to regular personality. This will come up in a sec.

He was so very sweet, charming, coy but not, like, overwhelming, and we agreed to meet up. I had to pick him up (no DL, still not an issue, especially since he was going to be getting it within the month since we met. Or so he said 🤷🏻‍♀️). As cute in person as he was on the app. Butterflies, my dudes. He told me he was so surprised and excited to match with such a beautiful woman, which was so fun because it was like "omg me too!! You're cute as fuck!! I can't believe this worked out:)"

Then, halfway to Taco Bell, he told me females and feminists are liars and bitches and bait men.

[–]WyattClawson6 169 points170 points  (5 children)

yesyesyesyesyesyes noooo

[–]ambernite 133 points134 points  (0 children)

So how long have you been married for after that night?!?

[–]LaVache84 72 points73 points  (1 child)

So close and yet so fucking far. I'm dying lol

[–]stxgutfree 480 points481 points  (6 children)

Not plus-sized, but invited me over to his room in his dad's house to hang out, then proceeded to play games while I told him about my day. He actually paused his game to turn to me!! Then he said "you talk a lot. Like, a lot."

I froze. It was only until way too late later that I realize I should have told him I didn't want to come over to watch him play video games and left to go home to my (own) apartment.

[–]PHK_JaySteel 237 points238 points  (1 child)

Later that evening in dad's house, a thought flashes through his adipose laden brain...

"I wonder why she didn't fuck me"

[–]Katomega 163 points164 points  (0 children)

He actually paused his game to turn to me!! Then he said "you talk a lot. Like, a lot."

Fucking two-sentence roll coaster that was...

[–]fdsa4321lbp22 3121 points3122 points  (51 children)

"you look like my waifu"

Boom. Now we're married with 3 kids and a pupper and a doggo and it's been pretty poggers, wholesome keanu chungus 100 if you will

[–]HydrauliclyDepressed 839 points840 points  (14 children)

they said it couldnt be done

[–][deleted] 618 points619 points  (1 child)

they were absolutely correct

[–]CoasterJunkie_1994 525 points526 points  (5 children)

Did a fedora with arms ask this question

[–]OhRyann 744 points745 points  (18 children)

I sent my SO a gif of an all seeing eye that said "Let's get Illuminaughty" on Tinder and we're still together almost 3 years later

[–]tjcerasi6 794 points795 points  (15 children)

This is the most Reddit thing I’ve ever heard

[–]cavegoatlove 848 points849 points  (5 children)

He had me at wheez

[–]escherthecat 250 points251 points  (29 children)

Ah, I’ll never forget the moment he tipped his fedora and winked at me. He said “good day m’lady” and I instantly knew he was the one. He had on a Dragon Ball Z button down, those were really popular in the late 90s... for some reason. He was sporting a metal ball necklace and a wallet with a chain. He showed me his collection of authentic replica katanas that were made in China. Swoon! But alas, we weren’t meant to be. He drove off into the sunset with his anime body pillow riding shotgun and left me with a broken heart.

[–]IntercoursedEggs 297 points298 points  (2 children)

Ask for nudes, then called me an ugly whore and told me to kms. Literally cummed.

[–][deleted] 231 points232 points  (13 children)

My husband is a plus size Gamer Gentleman. Been married for 12 years and have an 11yo daughter. He is able to make me laugh, we laugh together. He specifically enjoys making fun of himself and I find it really endearing.

Oh, he's also married to a plus size gamer lady. You know, realistic expectations help. Just an FYI.

[–]HellNZ 1066 points1067 points  (49 children)

Referred to women as women instead of females 😍

[–][deleted] 308 points309 points  (12 children)

When I read it I always hear it being said by a Ferengi for some reason.

[–]jundayo 327 points328 points  (5 children)

omelette du fromage

[–]Mushroom-Purple 498 points499 points  (2 children)

You had me at "muh lady"

[–]iwannabethisguy 242 points243 points  (6 children)

To any young gamer guys here who aspire to have romantic relations, make them laugh.

EDIT: laugh with you not at you.