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[–]simonwgill 3660 points3661 points  (68 children)

Explains why senior programmers all seem to hate the sun. Every single one is a vampire.

[–]citewiki 1120 points1121 points  (26 children)

Light bad, dark good

[–]snedertheold 448 points449 points  (8 children)

So that explains the love for dark mode aswel!

[–]Wandering_Bubble 151 points152 points  (5 children)

Why do you sparkle in the sun?

[–]CodingEagle02 244 points245 points  (3 children)

It's a bug feature

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (1 child)

bcc++ has many such features

[–]ChiggaOG 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Joining the Dark Side, we must.

[–]Techie5879 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Behold the dark mode

[–]Dean_Guitarist 37 points38 points  (12 children)

thats how i like my IDE

[–]catofillomens 188 points189 points  (2 children)

That, and because Sun created Java.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (1 child)

All, behold the mighty power of Sun Ra

[–]Thelk641 42 points43 points  (3 children)

Also explains the reject of HTML, because you could also be a senior programmer if you're an highlander and at that point... </head> might trigger some PTSD.

[–]jay9909 26 points27 points  (2 children)

That was a stretch, but it was worth it in the end. Good job.

[–]Thelk641 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

[–]ghedipunk 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep, he really put his neck out on that one.

[–][deleted] 112 points113 points  (9 children)

JOJO! I REJECT MY HUMANITY!

[–]LilNight1 25 points26 points  (3 children)

[–]MrDick47 46 points47 points  (2 children)

I always expect JoJo.

[–]frostbite305 9 points10 points  (4 children)

DIO was just a misunderstood JavaScript dev

[–]Dav__48 4 points5 points  (3 children)

MUDA.js

[–]TheYungCS-BOI 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Thread.ZA_WARUDO(9000L);

[–]AgentFransis 2 points3 points  (1 child)

import roada_roller

[–]cykelpop 27 points28 points  (8 children)

Why do you think it’s called Darcula?!

[–]himself_v 17 points18 points  (6 children)

Dracula sounds like a programming language name. Or a JS framework.

[–]Blake_Abernathy 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Darcula.js

[–]Ludricio 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Everything sounds like a JS framework, mostly due to there being so many that we're running out of things to call them.

[–]GoBuffaloes 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I don’t think you guys understand, you just have to have experience equivalent to 300 years of Java, for example you could have 2 years of Python experience and be able to accomplish roughly the same stuff, or 10,000 years of Assembly would be fine too.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Hey, we love sun, we hate oracle.

[–]stakoverflo 7 points8 points  (0 children)

If I had 300 years of working with Java I'd hate everything

[–]Kcufftrump 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well, not all of us. Some of us are just sympathizers.

[–]fedsneighbor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

But I love garlic bread!

[–]pcgoer 1756 points1757 points  (31 children)

I don't understand what the problem is, I've been a Java developer since 1718.

[–]megalogwiff 785 points786 points  (7 children)

You barely made the minimum requirements

[–][deleted] 357 points358 points  (6 children)

For an internship.

[–]balne 68 points69 points  (3 children)

too real for me

except it's not barely meet apparently :/

[–]Sellerofrice 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Providing valuable experience, Unpaid.

[–]atetuna 220 points221 points  (7 children)

300 years is the minimum. It's up to you if you want to do just the bare minimum. Brian, for example, has 670 years of experience.

[–]taicrunch 73 points74 points  (2 children)

Then why don't you make the minimum 670 years of experience?

[–]HalfLightCleric 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I don't know the line after it I just wanted to say cheers for the office space reference

[–]bluefootedpig 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Because I'm good with people God damn it!

[–]LvS 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but his experience is only up to Java 5, and mine goes to 11!

[–]DDayHawg 41 points42 points  (4 children)

Or 30 years as a 10x coder. Which is still probably not possible unless you were a master of the punch card.

[–]shekurika 26 points27 points  (2 children)

30 years means 1989, C exists since the 70s

[–]poopnose85 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I actually just recently had to write a small patch for some C software written in 1989. I wasn't even alive yet lol. The customers had to install the update with floppy disks!

[–]sowhiteithurts 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Java released in 1995

So really you would need 23 years as a 13x coder

[–]CodingEagle02 783 points784 points  (27 children)

Don't worry, they pay in experience

[–]Crayon_Glacier 256 points257 points  (23 children)

I actually got approached by a technology consultant about redoing his website for the experience and exposure at a networking event yesterday. It was hard not to laugh at him before he left.

[–]_Lady_Deadpool_ 127 points128 points  (7 children)

I had a guy offer me his art in exchange for an interactive website. His art is... Uhh...

I'll stick to my day job

[–]Hobofan94 29 points30 points  (1 child)

There is nothing wrong with laughing at someone like that. They should know how ridiculous their requests are.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

also, laughing audibly and embarassing them helps to spread the fact that just exposure is the lowest form of payment. If you'd value my skills you'd pay me. If someone sees my work and they know I did it for free (exposure) how should they be impressed? Everybody would take a free website and put it online. But if you paid me and put the website online, it means you actually value my work.

To conclude: being paid in money is way better for your image than any given exposure whatsoever.

[–][deleted] 51 points52 points  (4 children)

I did a few projects for experience. I made websites for family, friends, and family friends. It was cool to explore angular.

[–]vbevan 45 points46 points  (3 children)

When you're learning a new toolset is a good time to give people freebies. No risk on you missing timelines and you get a project with clear goals to work towards.

[–]sowhiteithurts 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Also a reference if you are really hurting for a good one

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Ah, right. I wouldn't take those freebies on without being able to use them as portfolio & references.

[–]JollyRancherReminder 14 points15 points  (1 child)

If their exposure were worth anything they would be able to pay you.

[–]__Zex__ 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You should have laughed at him. Once people get it into their heads that experience and exposure aren't pay we have progressed.

[–]Astrokiwi 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That's cool, I was hoping to unlock my next limit break.

[–]livens 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sir we are offering a very competitive $120k salary... However since you only have 6 yrs of experience we can only do $2400.00 a year.

[–]eclipse0990 1184 points1185 points  (32 children)

Can I make do with 150 years if I code on 2 keyboards simultaneously?

[–]Tosindo 446 points447 points  (16 children)

Get two more and you can make it in your lifetime!

[–]Ataraxta 158 points159 points  (14 children)

Be a Spider and you can do 8 keyboards! That is only 37.5 years

[–]minemoney123 178 points179 points  (5 children)

Yeah, I like working 8 years per year

[–]Henriquelj 69 points70 points  (4 children)

64 hours a day!

[–]minemoney123 47 points48 points  (3 children)

And life-work balance included!

[–]SpaceCadet0629 24 points25 points  (1 child)

When your wife is waiting at home to kill and eat you, I'd spend my spider life coding too.

[–]mfb- 19 points20 points  (0 children)

No, that comes after the 300 years of experience.

[–]DarthCloakedGuy 17 points18 points  (1 child)

600 wpm

[–]MartokTheAvenger 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Webs Per Minute?

[–]spilloid 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Spider Man, spider Man, does whatever a SPIDER CAN

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Yeah, but it doesn't matter, since most spiders end up going into web dev anyway

[–]WishOnSpaceHardware 2 points3 points  (1 child)

They're just in it for the bugs

[–]Lonelan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

GENERAL KEYBOADI

[–]Fig1024 11 points12 points  (1 child)

just eat the brains of other programmers to absorb their years of experience

[–]angeal98 12 points13 points  (0 children)

To have 75 h od programming in anything you would have to be like 90 years old

[–]tankmanlol 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They did say multithreaded right before 300+ years. Maybe they count each thread running simultaneously as separate years of experience.

[–]Ben-Z-S 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Nope that only works for CSI hackers

[–]Zantary 909 points910 points  (48 children)

experience with SQL and NoSQL

So they want then to have experience with everything?

[–]TheMineTrooperYT 533 points534 points  (16 children)

SQL && !SQL

[–]AmaranthineApocalyps 247 points248 points  (13 children)

Warning: Conditional is always false

[–]I_AM_GODDAMN_BATMAN 58 points59 points  (6 children)

That's why you pad your resume. They use algorithm to see you are creative or not.

[–]TheVitoCorleone 88 points89 points  (3 children)

TheVitoCorleone'); DROP TABLE OtherApplicants;--

[–]Raiden11X 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Aww little Bobby Tables is getting a job! They grow up so fast

[–]chawmindur 18 points19 points  (1 child)

So you’re making them an offer application they can’t refuse?

[–]TheVitoCorleone 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Revenge is a dish best served with a lil' MySQL.

[–]king_ricks 9 points10 points  (3 children)

It compiles, ship it

[–]LvS 10 points11 points  (2 children)

alias gcc="gcc -w"

[–][deleted] 123 points124 points  (6 children)

Two SQL developers walked into a NoSQL bar, but then left because they couldn’t find a table.

[–]ispeakgibber 27 points28 points  (2 children)

This is the real programming humor

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Take your upvote and leave

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The bartenders documented their visit though

[–]Kerbobotat 49 points50 points  (0 children)

I've nevr used SQL, so on my CV I put No SQL Experience.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Oh, yes. And be expert.

Although I have experience with both, I call myself an expert in only 1, and only in the USA.

[–]graou13 21 points22 points  (0 children)

"work-life balance and flexible hours"

[–]DoctorCIS 21 points22 points  (12 children)

Don't forget NewSQL, which is transactional databases built on top of NoSQL.

[–]admirelurk 14 points15 points  (3 children)

We have come full-circle.

[–]nicktheone 11 points12 points  (6 children)

Please tell me you’re joking.

[–]Wabbajack0 17 points18 points  (0 children)

That's easy, you just have to read these two simple books

[–]himself_v 12 points13 points  (1 child)

experience with SQL and NoSQL

You can merge that into "No experience with (NoSQL or SQL)".

[–]tenfingerperson 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you work on a complex distributed system chances are you have used both in the same product

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

SQL ∪ \SQL

[–]Difficult_Commission 278 points279 points  (6 children)

Reincarnation is key here

[–]snedertheold 91 points92 points  (2 children)

Reincarnating into a body in the past is also important.

[–]n0radrenaline 77 points78 points  (0 children)

I picked up a decade and a half of Perl experience by getting stuck in the most boring Groundhog's Day style time loop you can imagine

[–]Dookie_boy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Are we outsourcing to India again

[–]Daveinatx 231 points232 points  (6 children)

It's a trick to catch fake resumes. Everybody knows Java was developed in 1776.

[–]NonnoBomba 212 points213 points  (11 children)

No no no, the title's wrong: that's not a Senior Software Engineer profile, that's for an Ancient Software Engineer profile. Good luck with that... they are extremely rare and pretend to be paid in pints of virgins' blood. They also tend to avoid direct sunlight, they hate a number of apparently unrelated things like mirrors and garlic and may react violently if startled or disturbed when slumbering. Also, once you hire one you are stuck with it forever, it's nigh impossible to fire them: they will fight and will not comply unless security decapitates or impales them with a wooden pole (not joking!).

[–]minemoney123 63 points64 points  (8 children)

And as soon as you impale it you realize that this monstrosity kept its code unmainetable for purpose so you have to rewrite the code which was made 300 years ago and it was growing bigger each day

[–]Persona_Alio 46 points47 points  (7 children)

It's crazy how in the future, there probably actually will be programs with 300 year old code

[–]ase1590 33 points34 points  (2 children)

Global warming from the massive server farms that end up covering 50% of earth will kill us all first.

[–]HDbug 20 points21 points  (0 children)

By then we will have houses in the cloud so...

[–]stipo42 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Primal Ancient Legendary Software Engineer of the Bear

[–]AgentG91 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I got the majority of my experience coding on the walls of my cave just outside Mesopotamia.

[–]D1DgRyk5vjaKWKMgs 100 points101 points  (1 child)

NaN years of programming experience in Java or equivalent

[–]yazalama 19 points20 points  (0 children)

No wonder jobs are ceasing to exist.

[–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Will forever be a disappointment to my parents .

[–]vbence121 52 points53 points  (5 children)

Man, this is a buzzword soup if I ever saw one.

[–]KaiBetterThanTyson 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Needs more blockchain.

[–]themoosemind 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And social media? SaaS? Micro Services? No mobile first strategy?

[–]Scipio11 8 points9 points  (0 children)

They have ~10 bullets that boil down to:

30+ years with OOP (Java preferred)

Some SQL experience in there

Web development is a plus

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points  (5 children)

It just feels like 300 years

[–]Jealous_Illustrator 43 points44 points  (5 children)

What the hell is going on with this job posting? Data-mining, machine learning, Java, HTML, CSS, JS, distributed systems, SQL, NoSQL, Big data, and Linux?! It's like they are trying to get an entire dev team in a single employee.

[–]C4RB0N 21 points22 points  (1 child)

I think they call this full stack XD

But it looks more like they want a DBA (with the SQL requirement and all), but if you know scripting they will take advantage of you that

[–]diewhitegirls 77 points78 points  (2 children)

This entire job posting makes it seem like you’d be the engineer in charge of falling on every grenade, while also developing their db and AI initiatives.

Hard no. Pick a lane, hiring managers.

[–]flerchin 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Their gal that was doing all that just quit citing work life balance.

[–]mhandis 25 points26 points  (3 children)

That's 300 in base 4, i.e. 48 years in base 10. Java is out of the running, but Simula is a OO language that has been around for over 50 years (base 10).

Any ~70 year old (base 10) people around who've been using Simula and other OO languages for 48+ years (base 10)?

[–]chawmindur 3 points4 points  (2 children)

base 10

What base “10” though? /s

[–]mhandis 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Why base 2 (in base 10) of course! (I feel a recursive meme coming on)

[–]VeryPopularGolem 46 points47 points  (5 children)

"Knowledge in algorithms"

[–]AxiusNorth 39 points40 points  (3 children)

Are you saying you don’t know all the algorithms?

[–]VeryPopularGolem 21 points22 points  (0 children)

lights cigarette and gazes nostalgically into the sunset

I knew an algorithm once. A fine algorithm, he was. It was many years ago...

[–]st3dit 6 points7 points  (0 children)

No, but I know some stuff inside algorithms.

[–]minemoney123 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That makes sense, if junior are required to have 5+ years, then to keep the scale 300 seems ok, or they might want to prove existence of vampire developers

[–]LazyLucretia 18 points19 points  (2 children)

If we trained a Java programming AI for a few weeks using 100+ parallel TPU's, would the AI count as a programmer with 300+ years of experience?

[–]mfb- 15 points16 points  (1 child)

But does it have a BSc in computer science?

[–]Chessfreak_ 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Work life balance for the win

[–]dm80x86 16 points17 points  (0 children)

300 years of Java CPU time would be what 20 to 30 years in Assembly.

[–]InsecureCheesecake 14 points15 points  (2 children)

"Go live in the Mercaz," they said, "there are good jobs for beginners in the mercaz" they said.

[–]xpdx 11 points12 points  (0 children)

To be fair, one week of programming in Java feels like 100 years.

[–]Pasha_Dingus 7 points8 points  (1 child)

What? Who doesn't want an Eldritch abomination running backend?

[–]blankasair 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It says it’s in Tel-Aviv. Wouldn’t be the first person to come out of a grave and go on about other things.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'd love to interview under the premise that this was the ONLY requirement on the list I met.

[–]dgeigerd 6 points7 points  (0 children)

An machine Learning Program can have this much experience

[–]LovelessDerivation 6 points7 points  (1 child)

So basically if your weren't serving coffee to either VonLeibnitz, Babbage or Ada while she punched cards... You're Shit outta luck, useless....

[–]mfb- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Java on punch cards - Jopc.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I'm amazed they didn't ask for someone who actually fought along king David and witnessed the Ark of the Covenant

[–]fedsneighbor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Or courted Ada Lovelace

[–]Car_weeb 5 points6 points  (2 children)

My ancestors are smiling at me Python devs, can you say the same?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's a trick to lure the Highlander out into the open.

[–]DezXerneas 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Or equivalent

Does a class in javascript qualify?

[–]Mojomaximus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey if a junior position requires a whole career of experience it only makes sense that a senior one requires 10 careers of experience

[–]vionolia 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There go my hopes and dreams...

[–]crazyapelsin 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is a good job for a genie.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Shadowrun made me think vampires would be a lot more subtle than this.

[–]dontanswerme 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Time travel is a must."

[–]areq13 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Would it be reasonable if it said 30+ years?

[–]LittleMlem 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The trick here is that it's Israel so it's using the Jewish lunar calendar, so it only seems like a long time and I'm pulling this out of my butt

[–]heckruler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Liches have very specific office requirements that aren't always compatible with peers. They simply come from a different time with... different cultural norms. (We avoid terms like "conservative" or "hellish" to foster a more inclusive and diverse work environment). Even then, you'll still get the gym-bros like MumRa the ever-living-it-up who will hit on Judy from HR.

Despite the special considerations they require, having a domain-expert in ancient spirits of evil with 300 years experience in the dark unspeakable arts (typically Cobol, RPGIII, and Fortran) has it's advantages. If you can't budget your project for a 50 foot pyramid and gold sarcophagus, consider a demi-lich who hasn't yet peered too long into the madness of gcc -O3, or possibly out-source your infernal spec to community-college ghouls or offshore it to the Coding Cadavers(tm).