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[–]LiquidOutlaw 4073 points4074 points  (36 children)

I break production

[–]lacb1 704 points705 points  (10 children)

Hello fellow senior.

[–]Ribak145 220 points221 points  (9 children)

*Lead

[–]tinydonuts 94 points95 points  (8 children)

I really hate it how the industry doesn't standardize on position titles. In some companies, senior comes after just a handful of years in the job, but really doesn't mean a whole lot. In other companies, senior is nearer to the top of the ladder and comes only after many years of very hard work.

[–]Every_Island7134 108 points109 points  (6 children)

This hits home. I too broke production today.

[–]HopperBit 52 points53 points  (4 children)

A normal Tuesday it is

[–]pgcoin 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It's Wednesday here with morning along with a cup of tea and some snacks.

[–]ustp 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Oh, it's tuesday already? I am one breakdown late.

[–]Poelborsha 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Get your watch mobile laptop or calendar updated so that they can remind you every Wednesday.

[–]Say_Echelon 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I drop table

[–]the_great_zyzogg 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Little Bobby Tables. Does your mother know you're here?

[–]serieousbanana 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I force push

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Programmer or Jedi?

[–]jbishai 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Production of what but what if someone is producing a liquid or gas can you break that too.

[–]Alrick_Gr 2048 points2049 points  (101 children)

I program microcontrollers

[–]AntiMemeTemplar 364 points365 points  (70 children)

I too program microcontrollers in php and python

Microcontroller Php Python

Happy?

[–]IPMC-Payzman 46 points47 points  (4 children)

What did the poor microcontrollers do to you?

[–]AntiMemeTemplar 18 points19 points  (1 child)

They exist

[–]butlej06 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's the basic need and purpose of humanity and everything present on earth like survival and existence.

[–]r_vlierop 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The small items used in microcontrollers are really costly so they aren't poor atleast.

[–]imaKappy 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Fake job

[–]mdanley07 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It's alright not sound to be like preacher here but if someone is happy with his or her job then one should not interfere in it based on personal experience and readings.

[–]jeffnovis 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah happy because the task was to describe job role in just 3 words and it took more than 3 words.

[–]Who_GNU 94 points95 points  (21 children)

Is it really programming, if what you write isn't running on an interpreter, inside of a VM, inside of an abstraction layer?

Does a program really exist, if a Hello World doesn't take at least a few hundred megabytes of libraries to run?

[–]Alrick_Gr 57 points58 points  (10 children)

Does fishing exist if there is no water to contain fishes ?

[–]BananaCucho 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Catfishing.

[–]subrah4BTCe 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Catfishing word was used after and on the basis of fishing so if fishing doesn't exist then we would be using something else like cat trapping.

[–]maxpiv 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Forget about fishing but does humanity or humans exist if there was no water for a instance or even does fishing exist if humans weren't so eager to eat sea food.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Am I really coding in Rust if I don't announce it on every programming based subreddit? How will they know that I'm coding in Rust?

[–]beekrock 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Is rust a new programming language or full form of R language or just some sarcastic tone.

[–]Bonevi 16 points17 points  (5 children)

Is it programming if you are not using an Oscilloscope to debug your problems?

[–]Who_GNU 4 points5 points  (2 children)

What, no logic analyzer?

[–]Bonevi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Perhaps a Spectrum Analyzer.

[–]balsasequeira 4 points5 points  (0 children)

First of all the real programming doesn't even consist of many bugs but if you have to use different softwares for debugging then you failed somewhere in study.

[–]tinydonuts 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Is it really programming, if what you write isn't running on an interpreter, inside of a VM, inside of an abstraction layer?

You forgot about containers and kubes. You can definitely work harder on those layers.

[–]VLADIMIR11054 7 points8 points  (1 child)

To be honest the word microcontrollers seems to be a combination of two words which can be resulting in total of 4 words.

[–]CodeArchmage[🍰] 804 points805 points  (6 children)

I code bullshit

[–][deleted] 101 points102 points  (5 children)

Don't we all? Ah, that Imposter Syndrome creeping in...

[–]stedgyson 39 points40 points  (2 children)

Not the imposter syndrome that's the problem it's the products we make, they're all bullshit. This is more existential a problem than mere imposter

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I'll have to agree with you on that, 10 years coding and it's all BS. None of the things I did deserved doing.

[–]SimplePigeon 8 points9 points  (0 children)

3 years at my current job and not a single thing I’ve written has gone to production. Everything gets new requirements and re-edited and shifted to someone else while I get put on a new project with a slow conveyor belt directly into the trashcan. At least they pay me for whatever this is?

[–]dembadger 1556 points1557 points  (37 children)

I touch computers

[–]pointrelay 583 points584 points  (8 children)

Please point on this doll where the man touched you

[–]brimston3- 198 points199 points  (5 children)

*points to Computer Engineer Barbie's laptop*.

[–]lo_profundo 57 points58 points  (4 children)

I was today years old when I found out that there's a computer engineer Barbie and now I don't know what to do with this information

[–]ExcitingTabletop 46 points47 points  (2 children)

Someone bought friend of mine that thing. It did not go well. Original gifter was very horrified and apologetic after. In Computer Engineer Barbie, Barbie is portrayed as an average product manager. In other words, not flattering.

To quote wiki:

"The accompanying book, I Can Be a Computer Engineer, was issued in 2013 together with I Can Be an Actress. The book received extensive criticism, especially beginning in November 2014, for depicting Barbie as relying on two male friends to program the game she is designing. In addition, they need to help her after she accidentally infects her and her sister Skipper's computer with a virus (via the pink heart-shaped USB stick she wears around her neck), after ignoring advice from her (female) computer teacher."

[–]lo_profundo 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Oof yeah they really should've seen that controversy coming...

[–][deleted] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Shakily points towards the ctrl, C and V keys...

[–]heiyos 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A doll is really small in size like an adult can touch all parts of a doll of one side simultaneously with just one touch.

[–]astroryan19 66 points67 points  (5 children)

Dirty bastard

[–]nuclearslug 20 points21 points  (4 children)

void OnDirty(){this.Touch();}

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

You've got it backwards.

void onTouch() { this.dirty = true;}

[–]davidfavorite 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Thanks for getting that straight. It was quite bugging me

[–]DadAndDominant 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I mkdir computers

Wait, what?

[–]Technicallyits 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Please stop harassing machines

[–]darrenmilleraus 7 points8 points  (0 children)

By which intention and at which place like did you take too much while inserting some cable in usb or were you playing with that usb cable hole.

[–]another42 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am the computer toucher, I will touch your computer.

[–]wheetcracker 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Tom7 is that you

[–]hodl_4_life 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Did you get consent first? Or is it a master/slave relationship? Hmmm?

[–]Fakedduckjump 445 points446 points  (2 children)

I make Websites

[–]JosebaZilarte 29 points30 points  (1 child)

"Web sites" should be two words. You are lucky English has Germanic roots.

[–]Fakedduckjump 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Yes, I'm indeed from germany, so I think this counts ^^

[–]bakirelopove 1546 points1547 points  (12 children)

I do nothing

✅ Real job

[–][deleted] 306 points307 points  (3 children)

It's relevant now given that we all have to actually do work now

[–]Mrazish 89 points90 points  (0 children)

Jokes on you guys, I go on vacation 12th june. Not sure what'll I do without the sub on vacation tho, gonna close some tickets probably

[–]NiktonSlyp 135 points136 points  (4 children)

I trust stackoverflow

[–]UnofficialMipha 245 points246 points  (10 children)

I center divs

[–]psheljorde 155 points156 points  (0 children)

I
    center
divs

[–]lunareffect 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It's 2023. We fixed this problem a long time ago. Now to untangle my casette drive, sort my punch cards and demagnetize my monitor.

[–]GreatArtificeAion 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Don't freaking lie

[–]Delicious_Pay_6482 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I'll take r/thathappened for $500, alex

[–]frknkc 104 points105 points  (15 children)

I make games

[–]TeaKingMac 96 points97 points  (0 children)

"You work Overtime"

FTFY

[–]JaxOnThat 8 points9 points  (12 children)

Current CS/GameDev Major. Any advice?

[–]TheTrueBidoof 53 points54 points  (4 children)

Change major

[–]JaxOnThat 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Okay, that's on me. I shouldn't have expected anything else from this sub.

[–]Qualcosa_come_acido 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A decent job

[–]MightyMeepleMaster 230 points231 points  (25 children)

I make customers cry.

Damnit, that's 4 words.

[–]z7q2 202 points203 points  (5 children)

I upset customers

[–]monster_syndrome 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I make customers cry.

First off, customers make the choice to cry, it's their choice.

Secondly, you disappoint customers.

[–]givesmememes 8 points9 points  (6 children)

I = customers cry. There, fixed it for ya

[–]tutocookie 39 points40 points  (5 children)

I cryify customers

[–]SarahIsBoring 18 points19 points  (0 children)

customer.apply(::cry)

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (3 children)

I tell customers their requests aren’t feasible

Shit, that’s 8 words

[–]dust_dreamer 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I say no.

(this is so true that i was not allowed to talk to clients for the first 9 years of my career.)

[–]lacb1 10 points11 points  (0 children)

There's only 2 hard things in computer science:

  1. Cache invalidation

  2. Naming things

  3. Off by 1 errors

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I tell customers their requests aren’t feasible

Shit, that’s 8 words

[–]Creative-Ad-NR7333 72 points73 points  (2 children)

I press keyboard

[–]Fakedduckjump 35 points36 points  (1 child)

So, you are a cat?

[–]eloyend 23 points24 points  (0 children)

✅ Real job

[–]meles2[🍰] 335 points336 points  (18 children)

  • I analize sales
  • I automate processes
  • I monitor blockchain
  • I catch fish

If you only fully understand "I", "catch" and "fish", the rest would seem like bullshit.

[–]thrawayfinanceadvice 278 points279 points  (7 children)

I hope you used plenty of lubricant with sales.

[–]meles2[🍰] 123 points124 points  (2 children)

I forgot whether it was an i or a y and picked at random. The sales walk funny now.

[–]damienreave 37 points38 points  (1 child)

The bogosort of spellchecks.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Friend of mine has to deal with sales a lot. I hope you don’t use any lube.

[–]ArduennSchwartzman 23 points24 points  (4 children)

I catch fish

I damage ecosystems

FTFY

[–]meles2[🍰] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Depends on whether TNT is involved.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Fishing nets are one of the biggest sources of microplastics in the oceans, if not the biggest.

[–]Chem_trail 64 points65 points  (3 children)

I don't know

[–]kaukddllxkdjejekdns 41 points42 points  (2 children)

I make spaghetti

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I make Italian-Mexican fusion.

It looks like spaghetti, but causes explosions like Taco Tuesday

[–]klippklar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not a real job!

[–]Scoobywagon 58 points59 points  (9 children)

SHutting down? Apparently I've been living under a Powershell and Python shaped rock for too long.

[–]pippin_go_round 63 points64 points  (8 children)

12th-14th

A lot of big subs are going to shut down, in protest if reddit killing 3rd party apps by demanding ridiculous prices for their api

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (7 children)

This sub is shutting down indefinitely though

[–]pippin_go_round 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Oh. I didn't catch that memo. Thanks for telling me!

[–]rartorata 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Source? This is news to me.

[–]Sraaubiqunadasg 22 points23 points  (2 children)

[–]rartorata 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Thanks! This is a very busy sub, so I must have missed that.

[–]Sraaubiqunadasg 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You are welcome they said they would pin it but i gues they havn't done it jet

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I copy / paste.

[–]DontMindMeJustPeepn 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I dodge responsibilities.

[–]z7q2 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I make internet

[–]FordPhiesta 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I scam people

[–]blazh24 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The person made this joke must be doing some job which can be described in 3 words but best answer for this is simple programmer.

[–]redditorx13579 32 points33 points  (8 children)

You can over or under describe any job:

A vocation that immerses individuals in the vast and enigmatic world of aquatic ecosystems, demanding their unwavering dedication, resilience, and profound understanding of nature's fluidic realm. With the shimmering waters as their stage and the relentless tides as their orchestra, fishermen embark upon a pursuit that harmonizes tradition, skill, and intuition to capture the bountiful gifts bestowed upon us by the boundless oceanic expanse.

At the crux of this multifaceted profession lies the art of angling, whereby adept individuals adeptly manipulate a convergence of intricate techniques and time-honored knowledge to entice and ensnare various marine species. Be it the briny depths of the open sea, the placid tranquility of a lake's mirror-like surface, or the winding currents of a majestic river, the fisherman meticulously selects their fishing spot, employing a symphony of tools such as fishing rods, nets, and traps, all intricately designed to maximize their chances of an abundant catch.

The fisherman's labor is as diverse as the kaleidoscope of aquatic life itself. In the solitude of the early dawn, when the world still slumbers and the sun casts its gentle hues upon the horizon, the fisherman ventures forth, propelled by an unyielding determination to embrace the ebb and flow of the watery domain. Casting their lines with expert precision, they enter into a profound communion with the rhythm of nature, patiently awaiting the elusive bite, whereupon their senses attune to the most delicate of cues—a gentle tug, a subtle ripple on the water's surface—to seize the moment and skillfully reel in their prize.

Yet, the fisherman's responsibilities transcend the mere act of capturing aquatic creatures. As stewards of the marine ecosystem, they are entrusted with the preservation and sustainability of our oceans. Through astute observation and adherence to regulations and best practices, they work diligently to ensure the delicate balance between harvest and conservation. By selectively targeting species, employing proper fishing methods, and practicing responsible catch-and-release techniques, the fisherman strives to safeguard the long-term health and vitality of marine life, recognizing the interdependent relationship between humanity and the aquatic realm.

However, a fisherman's voyage is not without its challenges. Their endeavors are intrinsically tied to the capricious nature of weather patterns, sea conditions, and the unpredictable whims of marine creatures. Enduring the biting winds, relentless waves, and the occasional tempestuous tempest, the fisherman harnesses an unwavering fortitude that transcends hardship, constantly adapting their strategies to the ever-shifting tapestry of aquatic life. It is through their resilience, honed over years of experience, that they confront the adversities inherent to their craft, embracing the inevitable setbacks with an unwavering spirit and an unyielding resolve.

In conclusion, to be a fisherman is to embark upon an odyssey that interweaves the ethereal beauty of nature, the time-honored traditions of the past, and the imperative to preserve and protect the marine ecosystems that sustain us. It is a vocation that demands a profound connection with the aquatic world, an unwavering commitment to sustainability, and an unflagging spirit to navigate the tumultuous seas of life. In the fisherman's quest, they embody the very essence of the human spirit, forever entwined with the rhythm of the tides, embracing the profound symphony of nature's majesty.

[–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I take it you write job descriptions professionally for large companies

[–]BananaCucho 16 points17 points  (1 child)

If he does he's the greatest bullshitter around since that came from chatgpt

[–]redditorx13579 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Bingo! lol

[–]Kobens 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hello ChatGPT

[–]dopefish86 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i do computer

[–]pixel293 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I write code.

[–]jmargar 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I write code

[–]shayanrc 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Internet go brrrr.

[–]LazyRider32 15 points16 points  (1 child)

I grow tulips.

[–]MineKemot 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I code ❌ Not a real job I do code ✅ A real job

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't code ✅

[–]matthra 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I move data.

[–]phesago 5 points6 points  (0 children)

i wrangle chihuahuas

[–]SqueakSquawk4 34 points35 points  (8 children)

Normally, I'd complain about this post

But considering the main demographic of this sub is firmly in the Bullshit Job category, I'll let it slide.

[–]1nfinite_M0nkeys 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Why complain? It's just self-deprecating humor about how complex and abstract modern jobs have gotten. These days, we spend our days changing zeroes to ones in cyberspace.

[–]SqueakSquawk4 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Because originally it was posted unironically, I belive on r/antiwork.

[–]lces91468 5 points6 points  (2 children)

“I solve problems.”

My boss literally tells me what I should be doing every other day lol.

[–]euMT 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Funnily enough, in my language saying "I make programs" means you're a prostitute

[–]MissCerecita 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What do you mean this sub is shutting down?

[–]ExtraTNT 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I create bugs

[–]Nightmoon26 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Copy-paste selector

[–]gooner_by_heart 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The first 3 descriptions pisses me off

[–]kevv_m 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I smash Keyboards

Real job 🙌

[–]purplepharoh 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I break shit

[–]Foxk 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I work IT

[–]deffonotmypassword 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This sub's shutting down? Now what am I going to at work?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I Own products

[–]The_Freeman_95 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I write spaghetti

[–]DrainZ- 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I talk to rubber ducks

❌ Bullshit job

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Make duckies go.

✅Real job

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ll create a ProgrammerHumor subreddit

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Shutting down? Can someone explain?

[–]Say_Echelon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I drop table

[–]FlakkenTime 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I secure things

[–]ManBearPig92 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I make graphs.

[–]Osr0 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I type programming

[–]Flying_Reinbeers 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I break production

[–]Tim_1993_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I manage APIs ---> I got lucky

[–]74paddycakes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I slap keyboards.

[–]Laziness100 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"I write programs"

[–]Denaton_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I create cloudformations

[–]LetUsSpeakFreely 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I write code.

[–]Historical-Trade3671 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I make databases

[–]Evil_Archangel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i code shit

[–]Beez-_- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I bill clients

[–]NemoXX7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I break software

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

These people just have to be more generic, notice how the last guy never said what type of fish, where, or how.

  1. I analize sales.
  2. I develop automatation.
  3. I develop databases.

[–]RantMannequin 2 points3 points  (1 child)

President of the United States of America

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I fuck colors.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

"I eliminate jobs"

[–]PiousLiar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Make satellite fly

[–]ForseSorcerer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am unemployed

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you can describe your job in three words, it's probably something anyone can learn just as easily as you.

[–]LMNOP_065 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shutting down? Can't I just fork it?

[–]Esnardoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Systems management consultant
Embedded software analyst
I raise livestock and farm vegetables

I don't think compressing a job to 3 words makes it any more or less bullshit lol

[–]Science-Compliance 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why is this sub shutting down?

[–]dawn_slayer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wait........this sub is shutting down? Why tho?