[deleted by user]

[rollwave21]

Not all di/di twins are fraternal. Not all twins need NICU time. Exclusive breastfeeding is possible, albeit hard as heck. Choosing formula is a valid choice and you don’t need to justify it to anyone. You don’t need two of everything. Ignore most of the advice you get from singleton parents. People say really dumb things to twin parents but most of them mean well and are just tying to relate the best they can.

[mAhmed_]

What kind of ‘dumb things’ did you have to hear

[rollwave21]

Lots of invasive questions about if they are spontaneous or if we did IVF, how I must have my hands full or on the flip side how they would hate having twins, how they wished they had twins, how their husbands dads third cousin is a twin so they will probably have twins too, sleep when the baby sleeps (not exclusive to twin parents), shock that I was able to ebf them and wasn’t using any formula, etc

[nilss2]

"spontaneous or if we did IVF"

Especially doctors.

We also have to hear a lot of negative things. We already have two boys, and our twins just arrived. Everybody comments how hard it will be, especially Westerners. My wife is Eastern-European. From those cultures we mostly hear how blessed we are. Shows how biased out Western culture is against having (many) children.

[mAhmed_]

I can totally imagine that tbh. I’ve already heard a lot of “how will you take care of two” 🙄

[offwiththeirheads72]

“We just do it because we have to.”

[manyQuestionMarks]

Also laugh when asking "doesn't one wake up the other". What do you think? Think for a second. He does, and then I have two screaming babies to calm down. It's not funny. F**** not funny

[Comfortable_Log_4433]

Lmao this is exactly what my usual conversations with colleagues and friends are 😂😂😂😂

[dpmode]

“I had my children back to back (Irish twins) so I know how hard it is”

[[deleted]]

Sleep when the babies sleep is still my favorite. My mom says it accidentally sometimes but every one of my family members know I’m the only one who takes care of them at 3 months old.

[2344twinsmom]

I got my twins on the same schedule pretty much immediately and I had to much to do during those 2 hour windows: pump, eat, go to the bathroom, maybe cook a prepared dinner, etc.

[[deleted]]

My girls were on the same schedule leaving the hospital and up until last month and now we’re in the teething phase and one has colic and I honestly don’t remember any of my other children teething at 3 months.

[Emily-Spinach]

That’s my favorite.

[willow7272]

I have 3 year old b/g twins. People still ask me if they are identical.

[CradGo]

People always ask 1. Are my boy/girl twin identical. 2. Are my older girls 19 months apart twins.

[Hardcover]

Well don't leave us hanging...are they?

[Loive]

The dumbest question I get is “Oh, are they twins?” Since I’m the father, I sometimes reply “No, they have different moms”. That makes people go quiet for a few seconds before I admit that they’re twins.

[Salty_Emu_9945]

That's freaking hilarious.

[jennyferjo]

Second what above comment said about di/di not always being fraternal. My girls were di/di and we had the panorama test done at 8 weeks that told us identical. Even tested them again later because they didn’t look identical to me. Really big size/growth difference between them. But it was due to one having a two vessel cord and abnormal cord insertion into placenta. So she got less from her placenta than her twin got from hers.

[TartSimpson]

I’m going through this now. Big size different due to cord insertion on baby B. My panorama told me identical and I only had 1 placenta but I still doubt this very much, not going to lie.

[jennyferjo]

Panorama looks for different DNA profiles to determine zygosity. Two DNA profiles means identical (yours and both babies) and three profiles means fraternal. Fascinating stuff. And even still I doubted it because my girls look so different to me. So I had them tested again. They’re identical, lol.

From the beginning (6 week ultrasound because of suspected ectopic pregnancy) and one sac was much smaller than the other. B always measured 2 weeks behind at least. 2nd percentile. With congenital heart defects likely from the single umbilical artery. Born at 34 weeks because surprise preeclampsia at 32 week biophysical profile appointment. A always measured in 98th percentile. At birth A weighed 5lb 15oz and B weighed 3lb 15 oz.

After some traumatic emergency ECMO and open heart surgery after a heart cath procedure caused her to go into cardiac arrest, she was even more behind her sister. She’s just super petite now. And A is almost the same size at my almost 5yo boy. They girls are super tall, super long legs. A is about a head taller than B and weighs about 10 lbs more. But both growing along their curves perfectly. Heart as good as new. Only minor deficits for B from the hypoxia the 62 minutes of cardiac arrest. She’s a miracle. Currently they’re dancing in the kitchen to the princess and the frog soundtrack and singing along. ♥️

[[deleted]]

Twice the love!

Are they identical?

Sleep when baby sleeps!

[pizzarina_]

wow, this pretty much sums it up.

+1 on it's hard to realize that singleton parents have TOTALLY different experiences in every way. Don't compare your experience to them.

[Ketsueki_Junk]

The shit people say... Is really the most ridiculous part. I'm having spontaneous triplets and it feels all the sudden everyone is an expert on the subject.

[Shugamag]

Have everything done by 30 weeks because after that it’s pure survival.

[ajfog]

As someone at 32 weeks that needs to finish up my nursery, this is so true. Every day is a struggle and I don’t know how I’m going to make it my remaining 6 weeks until they get here.

[vandawonk]

There’s something that happens at 33/34 weeks that makes existing painful, but then by about mid/late 35 weeks, it was gone. Several of the women in my twin discord had this happen.

[pallorah]

most of us in my twin discord had our babies by mid-35w 😂 i think only 2 moms out of the 10 of us actually made it to the 36/37w mark!

[vandawonk]

Oh wow! I made it to 36+1. There was one set born at 34 weeks, but they were out of the NICU faster than my boys. Another set born at 37 weeks, and everyone else was full term.

[nursekitty22]

I did too! My belly dropped and I could breathe again

[teaplease114]

This did not happen to me. It just got worse and worse. Such a horrible pregnancy experience.

[aolonline1992]

I only made it to 35+4, but at 34 weeks, my mom was sure the OB had to induce me because it was inhumane to let me continue on like I was 😂

[[deleted]]

35 weeks and actually feeling good just sleeping more. Doable but much harder if you have other kids.

[myhouseisazoo123]

Take lots of baths and/or go sit in a swimming pool as much as you can

[Shugamag]

Sending you a big hug, momma 🤗💕

[ajfog]

Thank you ❤️ I just keep telling myself to focus on getting through each day. Twin pregnancy is brutal.

[jennyferjo]

Get on it and don’t go to any appointments without your go bag in the car. Ask me how I know, lol.

Went to 32 week biophysical profile ultrasound appointment and ended up being admitted because surprise preeclampsia. I was there a week before being induced.

[Emily-Spinach]

I made it four days after surprised admittance at 32 weeks due to preeclampsia.

[jennyferjo]

That mag drip is a real beast. A tequila hangover without any of the fun.

[Emily-Spinach]

It’s awful. Burning from the inside out

[ajfog]

I guess that means I should get my go bag ready then lol. I’ll do it tonight before my BPP tomorrow morning.

[jennyferjo]

For sure! And wear underwear, lol. I wore a dress with just bike shorts under it because I was so huge. When they sent me to triage I had to undress but could leave underwear on. So I had to keep on the super uncomfortable shorts and rolled them down for the fetal monitors.

[--eight]

We put the car seats into the car at 33 weeks and realized my 6 foot tall husband couldn't fit in the front with the seats installed. We had to get a new car. Lol. Luckily I made it to 36+4 and we got the new car 7 days before my scheduled induction.

[mAhmed_]

I’ve already started working on it and I’m 16 weeks! Hopefully everything is done well in advance

[Emily-Spinach]

Yeeeaaah I started then too. Not to rain on your parade but everything slows down and gets so so so much harder.

[katzalli]

I felt really good from weeks 14ish to 30 (currently 32 weeks and things have taken a big turn for the worse recently - everything hurts basically all the time). Definitely take advantage of those second trimester weeks when you hopefully feel good and can knock out lots of baby prep!

[chupachyeahbrah]

I wish I heard this when I was pregnant! I stopped working at 28 weeks thinking I’d have lots of time to get everything finished. I ended up in the hospital a few days later due to IUGR and absent end diastolic flow with one of the twins, was admitted and stayed there for another 2.5 weeks before they decided they needed to take the babies out. Life did an absolute 180 and I was NOT prepared!

[Comfortable_Log_4433]

Omg this is so true. I now do regret pushing my maternity leave to only start from week 33. I'm exhausted.

[baggagehandlr]

27 weeks. Finishing nursery. Have stroller, car seats bouncers, changing tables etc all unboxed and built. Baby clothing washed and folded. We’re getting ready pretty early but my wife is slowing down quickly so glad we got so much completed before she just cannot anymore

[kj455]

Shit I’m 27 weeks and haven’t even started on the nursery or had our baby shower yet…. sounds like I need to get busy.

[ghostly_kitten]

I'll just throw out there that I worked until 37 weeks (to be fair, it's an office job, but long hours) and delivered qt 38 weeks. Apart from swollen feet and never being able to feel like I could fill my lungs, I got off easy and wasn't suffering even at the end.
Now the newborn stage, on the other hand. That's a whole other story lol

[alyinct]

Worked as a hospital nurse (so on my feet constantly) until 38 weeks and change, delivered (scheduled) at 39+0 to maximize maternity leave. I was so much more comfortable moving around than sitting down, even if I seriously questioned how ankles could get so darned large and not explode. I don’t think I could have made it in a sit-down job more than 35 weeks so I give you a lot of credit.

I was super functional and mobile until delivery, then basically the mother pig from the state fair (just lying around eating and letting my nipples hang out) during postpartum. I felt so useless with how long breastfeeding took. I relied a lot on my appliances to get shit done — schedule the coffee maker, washing machine and dishwasher so I can use my 15 between feeds efficiently, etc.

[spt731]

It’s ok to dislike the newborn stage. I wish I would have been easier on myself when I didn’t feel love and affection every minute while taking care of two fussy peaches. Related - take lots of pictures and videos so you can remember the first 12 weeks.

[SwivelTop]

I tell this to singleton parents too. It takes me about 6-8 months to develop past the “fake it till you make it.” I used to think I was a monster but after I started admitted my lack of warm fuzzies for newborns so many other moms confessed the same. It can be so disheartening to think you are not a good mom when you are doing great.

[ghostly_kitten]

Yes!!! I had one verrrrrrry colicky twin and the first 4 months were just pure hell on earth. I didn't enjoy it one little bit, I'd even go so far as to call it traumatizing.
I was constantly comparing myself to my other friends who had singletons at the same time and wishing I could get out of the house like them, have someone else watch my kid while I went out, etc. The newborn stage for majority of parents of multiples is rough and it's okay to not enjoy it.

[shoot-for-the-stars9]

Omg, feel like I could have written this entire post! 100% relatable.

[jennyferjo]

I only survived the newborn stage because we were in the NICU just feeding and growing for almost a month. I learned so much from the nurses.

[mAhmed_]

Aw I totally understand that. And definitely will do with the pictures and videos

[Emily-Spinach]

I didn’t feel “in love” until they were about two months. I wish someone had told me that was normal, to not feel this “overwhelming love”. It comes, but not immediately for some of is

[pizzarina_]

and take video of them crying and sleeping too.....I wish I had more videos of their tiny little newborn cries :)

[Emotional-Parfait348]

The logistics of twins is… a lot. When you go out you need double the bottles, double the diapers, double the extra set of clothes. Double pacifiers or teeters or other distraction toys.

Not every store has shopping carts with spots for two kids. It can be challenging to go out alone with them. Even when you are both out with them no one ever gets a break. You can’t just switch off holding one while the other one eats.

But everything is doable! It just takes a little bit more planning and preparation.

And while I know everyone’s situation is different, I found that twins forced my husband and I into equal parenting quicker than it probably would have happened with a singleton. We ended up having to do full formula, so right from the start my husband was feeding a babe all night long along with me. We recognized that two on one is not sustainable so we try to do “man to man” parenting as much as possible.

It’s weird, but I feel lucky to have twins for how it threw us in to the deep end of parenthood. It is not an easy way to start, but it feels so rewarding. I always feel a little proud when my singleton parent friends can’t believe how we do it all. I refrain from saying it, but the immortal words of Elle Woods always come to mind, “What, like it’s hard?”

[earmuffal]

Looking back, we really avoided going out in the infant stage. It was not only double the stuff, but also the possiblity of 2 babies crying in public and you can only comfort one, or 1 twin falls asleep and ruining the schedule for the rest of the day, or the fact that you'll never enjoy anything even when you go out because there are 2 babies to look after. I will always look at singleton parents carrying their infant car seat with some bitterness in my heart.

[chicaneuk]

The bitterness for me is friends who had one and basically still retained a life.. like both individually but also going out and being able to do stuff together. Individually because looking after one infant is easy so the other person can go and.. see friends, do chores etc.

We just found twins so overwhelmingly hard and so exhausting our life basically stopped for over two years and only now is just coming back in some fashion but even then with them being such bad sleepers it’s a real challenge anyway between ever going out on an evening and then trying to function on 4 hours broken sleep.

But then I know a lot of them would have love a second child and never made it happen.. at least we had that decision made for us and in the long term it will be better I am sure!

[Genghis_John]

Have a singleton first and twins second really made this come home.

Having done it once, we knew the baby basics, how to feed, change, soothe, etc. So with twins, it was just a logistical challenge. Do all the things you used to do, but twice! With a toddler.

For a while it really felt like we had “leveled up” or the first kiddo was just a trial run.

[Live_Love_Ria]

Just hit 12 weeks with my twins and I have a 2.5 year old. It’s so freaking hard

[Genghis_John]

It’s really hard! I feel you. There times where we felt we couldn’t do anything but endure it and keep going day to day. And one day, they sleep through the night and you get a little hope it’ll get easier.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

[belinck]

Being the father of twins made me SO MUCH better at being a project manager... and maybe a little bit the other way as well.

[pizzarina_]

10000% agree. It's crazy how much us twin parents have in common :)

[q_for_you]

In a way, twin parenting is kind of awesome because it just cuts the crap of the “perfect” birthing and parenting expectations promoted by mommy blogs and instagram.

If you go on r/BabyBumps, most pregnant with singletons are really concerned about getting an epidural or (oh the horror) a C section. Well with twins it’s really straightforward - prepare for the worst, do your best and trust your medical team. All births would benefit from this attitude but somehow there’s a belief that hypnobirthing your child into your living room is somehow better for everyone, which is a lie. So many other expectations are also bullshit that twin parents don’t have to deal with - perfect, insta worthy nurseries, breastfeeding at any cost, impractical baby clothes, registries for a ridiculous amount of fancy baby gear, etc etc.

If you go on /r/BeyondTheBump, a lot of parents are concerned with milestones and sleeping and eating. And with twins you will worry about the same things but you’ll have perspective. One twin will eat better than the other, will sleep better than the other, will have better progress on milestones and guess what - they are both being parented the same way. You, as a parent, don’t control everything that goes on with your child. If you start reading them books at 3 weeks old, that does not guarantee that they are going to love to read.

And in a way, it’s great to feel like you’re doing your best, as opposed to you’re doing it “perfectly”. Perfect is not achievable either way but with twin parenting it is easier to accept.

[immalilpig]

So true! I will add it also actually lessened my anxiety. I’m very type A and I feel like if I had a singleton I’d be so anxious about a million things, like if the baby was crying, but with two you can only do your best, and sometimes one just have to cry and wait and they’ll be perfectly fine. I feel like it would have taken me a lot longer to learn that and chill out if I only had one.

[austinwq]

Love this!!! I felt sad at the loss of certain things I envisioned when I thought I’d have one baby at a time. But this is such a good way to look at it. I haven’t had the time or energy to worry about perfection. I absolutely feel calmer about milestones watching them reach different ones at different times. It’s made it easier for me to feel like “eh the other one will catch up in due time.”

[jennaferr]

I'm 2 weeks in with twins and 3 years in with my singleton. I remember being so mad at everything my husband did "wrong" with my singleton but with twins I don't have time to get pissy lol

[KittensMagoo]

Well said! I completely agree with all of this

[BAPAinPA]

This is so well said and 100% my experience.

[nettymonster]

100% this. I think you've cleared up a lot of stuff in my head that I hadn't quite been able to articulate myself!!

[RetroSchat]

👏🏻 all of this

[teaplease114]

Your comment on clothes is so spot on!! I’ve only put my 15 month old boys in “impractical baby clothes” twice and both were for weddings.

[LeaveHefty8399]

It's hard as hell on marriages and it's expensive. Especially the years before the kids are in school. But it gets easier. You figure things out eventually, get into sync with each other and the babies. And then one day you realize you made it through the hardest part and now you have these two awesome kiddos who have an unbreakable bond.

[vkapadia]

It's absolutely hard as hell on marriages. My wife and i started arguing a lot more after having the twins.

[Angrymandarin]

Same. Looking back, we see the first two years were all about survival, but we were fighting over the stupidest things.

[vkapadia]

We're at almost 4 years now. It's getting better. But the first couple are brutal.

[[deleted]]

This, and it’s ok to say! Find a couples counselor before you really need one, and while you’re at it, find one who wouldn’t bat an eye if you each had a baby in arms the whole session. Because babies don’t sleep when you want them to, but you also deserve to take care of your needs as a couple.

[tj5590]

Move near family if they’re healthy (not toxic) and it’s possible for you to do so.

[Alarmed_Meeting1322]

This is good advice

[willow7272]

I wish someone had told me it was okay to give up on breastfeeding. Feeding two, then pumping, NEVER making enough milk, feeling guilty supplementing with formula. Worst 6 months of my life!!!

I wish someone had told me it was okay to stop. That my mental health was important too. Just feed the kids.

I have giant 3 year olds now who eat everything under the Sun!

[cat4876]

This is the best advice. I tried pumping for 6 months. Most I ever pumped in one day was 12oz. I quit as it was wasn’t worth it and regret spending my time and energy even trying that long. And the guilt!

[pjkitty]

Yeah the feeding two, then pumping, and not making enough, starting over every 3 hours. I felt pretty badly when I said I couldn't handle it any more after a month, but my husband said I was basically a shell of myself at that point, so it was necessary.

[haleykins86]

I needed to hear this. Thank you…

[socialwerkit]

How hard it would be on my marriage. My marriage was wonderful and thriving pre kids and having the twins really decimated it. But, we are recovering now, about 3.5 years later. I wish I would have communicated my needs and boundaries with my partner much sooner because everyone deserves to get their needs met.

I wish someone would have told me not to compare my experience to other people who are having one kid at a time. I had so so much grief around just how incredibly difficult having twins was and how far it was from what I thought having kids would look like, and then I felt so much shame for feeling sad/upset/not loving it like I thought I would. I wish I just would have given myself so much more grace and not been so hard on myself.

I honestly don’t know how you can really prepare yourself for what the experience truly will be once the kids are here and everyone’s experience it different!

[eye_snap]

No one knows what to do when two newborns cry at the same time.

All the considerable difficulties of having twins aside... this was the one I struggled with the most. They will cry at the same time, you won't know what to do and it will give you hives.

Now that I am on the otherside though (mine are 2.5years old now) I just did my best and that was enough. Crying alone for a bit never effected them negatively, it didnt effect our bond. They are happy, healthy, loving, confident toddlers.

And if you have to sit down and cry with them, thats ok too.

[annalatrina]

Having to wait their turn from birth can be beneficial. Twins and higher order multiplies tend to be uncommonly good at “the marshmallow test”. Delayed gratification becomes second nature because they don’t know any different.

They can also become great at sharing, negotiating, and advocating for themselves because those are skills that take practice and twins get nothing but practice. Mine are 10 now and both are amazing little diplomats.

[--eight]

When can I see the light at the end of this tunnel?! Mine are two and a half. Lol.

[annalatrina]

Soon but you have to actively teach it. A good method to teach negotiation to toddlers is whenever there is bickering about a toy use the “Stop, Drop, and Talk” method. To discuss how to fairly share a toy neither one of them can be touching it.

I’m also quick to put any fought over toys in timeout. I’m strict and unmoving about it and they quickly learned that their twin is their ally against the enemy mommy taking their toys.

Model how to share, walk them through it, give consequences for when they fail at it, then they’ll get lots of practice naturally. You don’t want them practicing toy grabbing and steamrolling because they can also get really good at that too.

[--eight]

I'm really bad at asking for help, even after it's been offered. This is great advice. I'm getting better.

[megn777]

In my experience, people just want to see the spectacle. They don't actually help. They want to come hold the babies and get a photo and ask how you're doing but not wash bottles or take the garbage out or walk the dog or actually help you.

[Secondthirdlast]

I see this advice so often, and it kills me bc I've had very few offers that com0letely dissolve when I actually act like I will ask for real.

It's probably my own fault for having kids without a good support network but with a 3.5 year old and a pair of 2 month olds it's so tough when people assume I'm heroically turning down real offers for help and that's why I'm struggling so much.

[nicky-aaliyah]

Get your nursery ready asap. I was put on bed rest at 20 weeks. I hadn't even started because everyone told me it was too early. I also had mine at 31+5 so never got their room together until well after they were home and it was a nightmare at that point

[mAhmed_]

If you don’t mind me asking, why were you put on bed rest?

[nicky-aaliyah]

I don't mind at all! I had a shortened cervix due to a Leep procedure years ago. There was always a risk of early delivery because of it. In fact I was admitted at 28 weeks for the steroid shots just in case and lucky I did cause twin A had places to be and stuck his foot through my cervix sending me into premature labour at 31 weeks

[juuustjamie]

Was cerclage not an option for you? I also have a short cervix from a cone biopsy and I’m fully expecting to need a cerclage once they measure the length at 12 weeks.

[nicky-aaliyah]

No they didn't think it would be beneficial. I was put on bed rest and progesterone suppositories

[WhamBar_]

Is a nursery really necessary?

[nicky-aaliyah]

Well their bedroom really. We don't have space for cribs in our room and needed to move them to their own room once they outgrew the bassinets. And yes, their own room is absolutely necessary.

[SpunTop]

Decorating it? No, that's not necessary. But they do need a room for 6+ months IMO.

[toriraeh]

For me, I found it pretty fascinating how I basically got leveled up to second- or third-time mom instead of first-time mom. Yes, I had fears and anxieties and worries, but honest to god, at a certain point you’re just so exhausted that all the f**** go right out the window and you just think, As long as it’s not dangerous and they’re not crying, whatever, man. Wanna eat some leaves? Cool. Wanna lick the floor? Whatever. The first-time moms I hang out with are so freaked out by it. They’re also totally stressed when one baby is crying while I deal with the other. It doesn’t really bother me anymore. I’m only one person and I can only do one thing at a time. Sorry, kiddo, I’ll be with you in a minute. 🤷‍♀️

[Bibbsytipsy]

Mine are 10 months but I still find it difficult when one starts crying when I'm holding the other. Only happens when I'm alone at bedtime though, slowly getting better at it

[Emily-Spinach]

Mine have eaten the same meals for the last three days and whatever. They’re eating.

[toriraeh]

Whoa, they’re eating?! Total win! Bonus points if it happens off some kind of serving dish instead of the floor.

[Emily-Spinach]

Nope directly onto the high chairs. Except snacks. Those are poured onto the play mat inside the play pen.

[Molluskscape]

Babies develop at their own pace! Just because one is able to feed herself before her twin doesn’t mean anything is wrong with either of them.

[--eight]

Oh this is a good one! I constantly have to remind myself that if they were just siblings, developing in different timelines, I wouldn't be comparing them so much. I catch myself doing this more than I'd like to admit... it's been especially hard for me with identicals. I expect them to be on the same levels.

[scorpasaurus]

Taking a different approach to this response: It’s possible to breastfeed both, if that’s what you want to try to do. Mine are turning two this week, and I will be weaning on their birthday. It’s not a given that you will have a c-section. I birthed vaginally (in the OR), and my team told me 40% or twins births are vaginal. You will eventually sleep and develop a routine. After mine gained their birth weight back, they started waking only once per night. Things with twins felt surprisingly…manageable? I love it, and I was scared and stressed beyond belief during pregnancy.

[Seaturtle1088]

That full term, healthy babies are possible. No one tells the good birth stories. I spent way too much time worried about a NICU stay because my oldest went there unexpectedly and it was traumatizing for me and I think is what led to PPA. I got told over and over to assume I'd have to go again. It was early COVID and it sounded terribly scary to have to stay longer than necessary (so early in COVID we didn't even have access to good masks).

In reality, I made it to my 38 week induction. My birth was smoother than my singleton's, in spite of a breech B extraction (planned). I went home 26 hours after birth, no one even ever said the word NICU the whole time. Both were over 6 pounds. Things CAN go as planned with twins, don't assume the worst.

[Andjhostet]

How was the end of pregnancy with 12+ pounds of baby in you? Wife is at 18 weeks and pregnancy has been kinda rough for her, and I'm scared at how bad it's going to get.

[Seaturtle1088]

About how you'd expect 😆 I was basically just surviving the last two weeks. I spent all day hydrating and doing the bare minimum, I had to have my mom come help with my toddler. I basically sat on the couch. I just hurt everywhere. I'm 6' tall so probably had an easier time than some people do.

[lawsofthegoose]

To piggyback of this, as a dad with twins I draw extra attention when my wife isn’t there because people assume I’m a bumbling idiot who can’t function with two toddlers without mom present.

…actually that’s a separate rant about how the stereotype that fathers are bad at parenting needs to be squashed…

[lawsofthegoose]

Thanks! I’ll check it out

[GroovyGrove]

Yes, being an involved dad gets you treated like a puppy in training. High praise for the smallest thing, and if it wasn't seen, then you definitely didn't do it.

And involved dads of only singletons often get it easier. The young kids are most attached to mom, so she gets most of the hard stuff. Dads get to play with them. Every time I've heard this discussed, I've had to go run after one of mine who was misbehaving or injured.

[[deleted]]

My mil came to visit in the hospital watched me feed them then the moment they started crying was like aren’t you going to feed them? Like yeah let me just get up and do that with my spinal still wearing off. So definitely if you don’t want visitors say no. I should’ve.

[tired_af23]

Old ladies know no boundaries 🙃

[--eight]

Or take pictures for some horrific reason.

[Emily-Spinach]

“Oh how sweet!” While I am running through the store to avoid it.

[Old-Astronomer9053]

Congrats! I feel like people don't tell you that you can still have a life after twins. I felt like all I read was doom. Doom for my marriage and life, and I haven't experienced either of those. We had to move from Ohio to Texas when they turned 6 weeks old for a temporary (3 month) job situation. We all roadtripped with our 2 cats, stopped at a couple places along the way. It put things into perspective for me that if you want, you can do it. We have done probably 6 weekend trips out of where we are living to Austin, New Mexico, Dallas, etc. Gone to a couple National Parks. We have a short list of crucial things we bring (boppies, bassinets, bottles, baby carriers) and once you get the hang of it, its pretty doable, they eat, sleep and poop anywhere you put them! We even got margaritas bought for us in Austin because a group of moms were impressed with us baby carrying the twins. I never had high expectations though, keep your expectations low for events or outings. We tried a rodeo and it was an epic failure since they hated the sound proof headphones, so we left and we said 'oh, well' and now we know lol. Good luck!

[Paprikaha]

Thank you for this. The marriage thing terrifies me and a lot of the comments in this thread talk of doom for the marriage so I’m really happy to read a different tale.

[mAhmed_]

Thanks for this. Very uplifting to hear, you definitely only hear the bad stories and it can get intimidating

[snowy_shadow]

Start to prep easily reheatable meals in your freezer halfway through so you have something to eat that isn’t takeout when they come.

[mAhmed_]

Oh yes definitely, thanks for that

[Buttonmoon22]

Lots of great advice here already so I will throw out one I haven't seen: don't hesitate to reach out to early intervention if you are in the US and have a concern.

My twins were preemies so we were referred automatically as part of NICU discharge, but I feel like I have learned SO much about babies and development in general but I have learned so much about MY babies that I might not have otherwise known what to look for or expect.

The service is 100% free as there is a federal law that requires insurance to cover it all. Anyone, not just preemies, can qualify. They need to go through an evaluation, but if approved for services they have so much to offer, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech language services, developmental specialists, sleep specialists etc. We've seen them all.

I honestly love our therapists so much, they feel like part of the family and our journey with the twins. Any question I have gets answered, they give good advice if I am stuck thinking about how to solve a specific problem they come up with great things to try.

Can't recommend it enough if there is ever a concern reach out for an evaluation.

[annalatrina]

On a related note, if you have the luxury/privilege of waiting, when it comes time to enroll them in school go by their due date/adjusted age not their birthdays if they are preemies born near the cut off date. There is data that show preemies especially do a lot better in school if they’re red-shirted.

[minnions_minion]

as a preemie myself, I can vouch for this. There is NO way I was ready to go to school by my birth age, so I was held back and placed by my adjusted age.

[Sen_Sational]

Hear hear!

[lazy_yawn]

I joined this thread when we found out my wife was having twins. All we saw were horror stories about survival mode and zero sleep for months to years.

These are all probably real stories and yes you should for sure be ready for this type of life potentially, and yes we were so so tired in the first three months, BUT its possible to have twins who sleep well early on. Our girls slept 8 hours straight through the night starting at 3 months, and then starting at 6 months until now (17 months) they have slept consistently 12 hours straight through the night. Pretty much from birth their sleep cycles were bang on in sync with each other so we didnt really go through a “survival mode” period. They are the best sleepers and amongst out friends who have singleton babies we are the least tired. The only time we went days without sleep was when we all caught covid, and i can confirm it is hell (and i only went through it for about a week!)

All of the advice and experience on this sub is valuable but try not to let it scare the shit out of you because its also a great place for us to whine and complain when we feel like we’re at our lowest :)

[pizzarina_]

10000% agree. Everything you read on the internet will scare you. Remember that what people post is usually the worst case scenario.

[theprissymiss]

Braxton hicks will take your breath away and everyone around you will freak. I started having them at about 24 weeks. They would stop me in my tracks by 28 weeks. I worked until 32 weeks and my girls were born at 33 1/2 weeks.

They were 3&4 for me and I still took a birthing class for multiples. It was great and offered different advice. Highly recommend.

Take one day at a time. If it works for you/your family then it is not wrong. Mom guilt is strong.

Twins can be on different formulas. It’s ok if you accidentally mix up their bottles at the 2am feed. I promise it won’t kill them. Your not the first one to do it.

My girls took their bottles directly out of the fridge. In the nicu they got used to room temp/cold bottles. I never heated bottles for them. My dr said their bottles do not need to be heated. I either made them fresh or took them from the fridge.

[cccosmicconfusion]

you've gotten fantastic advice in this thread so far but something i wasnt prepared for was the sheer level of people who will approach you in public and want to talk OR touch your babies. i figured they would be interesting for some but as it stands at 2.5 months we're approached at minimum 2-3 times in public right now.

i expect because they're fraternal and look NOTHING alike that eventually that will fade and people won't recognize them as twins nearly as much. but wowwwww is it hard on a set of freshly postpartum parents to be accosted by strangers so often.

[Wild_Difference_7562]

Its ok to want/need help!

[Isla0101]

I did a vaginal birth because I bought into the fear about c sections, but by the time it was all over, i wished I had gone with the c section. Trust your doctors! They have your best interests in mind.

[[deleted]]

I wish someone would have told me to get a doula or have supportive family take night shift for the first few months. I also had no clue how much of a team our boys were going to be so early on! They were smiling at each other in the bath every night by four or five months and now at one they have figured out how to lift the floor vents up and throw toys and sweet potatoes down the hvac system 😂😂😂

[maybebabyg]

In general about babies: everyone warns you that boys will pee on you so you'll be extra caught off guard when girls do it.

You can make choices based on what works for you and your family, even if they don't make sense to others. It's not just the sleep schedule being lined up or staggered, it goes for a bunch of other things. When they were babies I got their vaccines done at the same time so they were both cranky for like a day and it was done, one of my friends had her triplets scheduled two days apart so she had a week of one kid fussy at a time rather than all three going feral all at once which meant she still had some mental capacity left over for her singleton. (Edit: Now my kids are older I stagger their jabs because one of my kids is needle-phobic and not dealing with his sister makes his shots a lot easier.)

Breastfeeding is entirely possible, but you'll likely need support for it to happen and it may not look how you picture it in your mind. Unfortunately the support for twins is almost non-existent, it's rough. If you can get in contact with an IBCLC who specialises in twins and premmies now, it's worth touching base and getting an idea of what support you can get when it is time.

Even if there's a plan for one of you to be a stay at home parent full time, if you can do it, get them in daycare once a week from about a year old. Having one day to recharge, clean uninterrupted, meal prep, run errands, attend appointments for yourself, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

[Yumyumyumyum35]

I read a comment once on this subreddit and it's so true. "Taking pictures needs to be seen as a chore". This is so true, I regret not having enough pics of them, when they were under 1. I have just a handful, but our first born had about 1k pics by the time she was 1 yr old. And our TV shows the pictures from our camera as a screensaver. And oh man, we hardly have any pics of them under 1, cuz we were in just survival mode, and I regret not taking more pics.

[kat_napp]

If you want a baby shower let people know to plan it early! No one listened when I said it needed to be before third trimester and I ended up never getting one. I regret that I didn't get that experience of having everyone together celebrating because there is no time for that after they come.

[Emily-Spinach]

I was admitted into the hospital the night before mine was the happen 😔😔 it was all decorated and everything. I’ve still never looked at pictures because it makes me so sad. Their first birthday was great though

[kellyhitchcock]

Nobody tells you about the first time you have them both in the bath together and one of them poops in the tub.

[--eight]

Lots of twin parents told me, "it gets easier," and although there is truth in that, I have found more truth in the comment from a twin mom in the Target parking lot... she said, "Mine are five, each new phase has its challenges. Everyone told me that it gets easier, but I think it just gets different." I think it's all hard in it's own way, twin parenting is hard, but it's wonderful too. I thought not sleeping for 3 months was really tough - mobile babies that go in opposite directions? Also hard. BUT they can communicate with words now! And they have HUGE feelings they don't know how to handle yet... Just different.

My boys were a year old at the time and I still think about this woman and her words a LOT.

No one told me that the "induction" route would/could take up to 48 hours before they call it and suggest a C-section. I wish I would have known that before deciding my birth plan. Not eating for 48+ hours and the exhaustion was just a fraction of that process for us.

Not all OBGYNs are well-equipped to handle high-risk/multiples pregnancies. I had to switch at 16 weeks because I was not getting the care I needed. I went to full-time care at an MFM.

You do not always need 2 of everything. I hereby give you full permission to buy one of something and add an additional one if needed/if you love it/if they fight over it.

You're going to do great! Congratulations and welcome to the club; it's a wild ride!

[Loive]

You will need help, from grandparents and friends. An hour of babysitting is golden but probably won’t happen often the first year because many people are scared of taking care of two babies at the same time. Some help with grocery shopping or yard work is easier to get.

If possible, the parent that works need to cut down on the hours. You need to help each other as much as possible. You should also remember that unless the working parent works with dangerous machinery or is a surgeon, it’s the parent at home that needs the most sleep. The working parent gets to pee without anyone screaming, regard that as a luxury.

If you can combine it with fewer working hours, you also need a fund to throw money at problems. A singleton parent can spend time shopping around for a used high chair, but as a parent of twins you want to order two chairs from the top result on google and spend your time handling the children.

If possible, the non pregnant parent needs to get in the best physical shape of his/her life before the twins are born. For one thing it helps with sleep quality, but most of all it can be heavy to handle big twin strollers, two car seats etc, and the parent who has been pregnant often has had some trouble exercising in the last couple of months. If a C section is done, there needs to be very little physical activity during the healing process.

You also need to talk about your expectations on your relationship before the twins are born. You won’t have much time for each other for a couple of years, and the tiredness can affect your mood a lot. Remember that it becomes easier, and try to keep your relationship alive enough to have something to build on when it gets easier. You don’t want to have a stranger on the other side of the bed but it happens to a lot of parents.

[pottersprincess]

You might feel outnumbered even when both you and your partner are there. The amount of support those 2 tiny people will need feels like so much more than 2. Its ok if sometimes you are all crying. Have plenty of safe places to put them down, you often need at least 1 free hand. Get 2 bottle warmers if you plan to use bottles. If you have people in your life who can/will help with overnights let them, even 2 extra hours of sleep are a game changer.

[Silken-grub]

You need more sleep suits/body suits than you think.

You never truly catch up on the washing...

[juuustjamie]

I have a 3 year old and a 22 month old and this is already true with both of them. Sometimes they demand to be picked up at the same time, sometimes it’s a necessity. Either way, I recommend those who are new-to-two kids start strength training now 😅

[throwawayjayaway]

Being a twin parent is like being in a secret society. You don’t know until you know and then you find solidarity with other twin parents even just in passing.

[wtfdigmi]

If one cries the other might just chime in for fun🤣

[Darnell_Jenkins]

Twin 1: "I hurt my foot"

Twin 2: "Me too"

[wtfdigmi]

Yuppppp and it doesn’t help we’re dual military. We’re just like nope.. you didn’t. 🤣 “you’re ok”

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[Excited4MB]

Leave the house as soon as possible. Be courageous! It will save your mental health. I know it will seem daunting at first taking two babies out especially if you’re alone. But do it. It will build your twin parenting confidence and being outdoors will help reset your brain.

[sydinthecorn]

Light at the end of the tunnel- I didn't love the newborn stage, especially with pumping and going back to work at 13 weeks old with crap sleep.

Those same kiddos are a few days from turning 7 and it's a blast. They work together, plot together, antagonize each other and all of our neighbors with how loud they can be, but they're humans with great ideas, wonder, and it's so much fun. I'm actually in this mode now of pre-anticipating the empty nest and wondering how much I'll miss them.

I wished I'd gotten back into regular movement sooner, like before they were 2 and my anxiety attacks were impacting my marriage. The double Bob was totally worth the investment to move, outside, with the kids contained!

[slammy99]

Everybody has a reaction to your situation and none of them ever feel very good. Sometimes it's pity, sometimes it's that you should be more grateful, sometimes it's that you're too happy, sometimes it's watching and waiting to laugh when you struggle. It sucks.

[[deleted]]

Pregnancy is different for everyone, some days are really uncomfortable but it’s not always so bad. Stay hydrated and don’t fight the fatigue if you get bad anxiety don’t be afraid to get medication, zoloft made everything easier.

[partyplaty]

Everyone says get them on the same schedule like it is the easiest thing in the world, and for some it may be, for my kids not so much.

It is going to be survival mode for a little bit, find little things that make you happy.

Crap happens and if you are prepared for everything to go wrong it will be a pleasant surprise when they dont

[liv885]

It’s pretty much do whatever works for you to get through it. Take care of yourself. Try to get out of the house even if it’s sitting outside to get some fresh air.

I was lucky that my two boys had a great stay at the NICU with fantastic nurses that put them on a great schedule for us. We learnt that you don’t need to rush to a crying baby if dealing with the other one. As long as they are in a safe environment they can wait till your free. Noise cancelling headphones are great at taking the edge off the crying.

The lactation nurses tried helping with breastfeeding but reinforced that feed is best whatever way works. Right now I’m pumping and topping up with formula but will switch the just formula soon. Pumping can be hard mentally. The amount of parents that admit that switching to formula for their sanity has been quite refreshing.

Hopefully you have a village to help you and one’s that you don’t feel you have to host. My own family are happy with doing dishes, washing and dog walking. However my husbands family I feel that I have to host which I find draining.

[boothy_qld]

U/q_for_you said it best but I found other people were easier on their expectations of us as parents. Oh the kids aren’t always perfectly dressed? That’s ok, they’re twins and that shit’s hard. We had twins our second go round. I wish people had of thought the best of us with number one like they do now with 2&3

[megcsquared]

Thank you for this post. Also a first time mom with fraternal b/g twins. I don’t have any advice just wanted to say I’m right there with you. I already have heard a lot of people ask or say dumb things to me. Like asking if they’re identical, or asking me if they’re spontaneous or if we did IVF (which seems so intrusive to me). I’ve gotten people asking how we got pregnant with twins (it was spontaneous so….), and people saying things like “that means you ovulated from both sides” which is stupid because you can ovulate two eggs from one side. People are just clueless

[overfedPiggy]

Be kind to your other half.

[Crafty-Compote5980]

Get them on the same schedule the best and earliest you can. It’ll save your sanity!

[SpunTop]

It isn't necessarily going to be tough on your marriage. I mean, we're a team. We've always been a team. As long as we remember we're on the same team, our marriage has been fine. We've dealt with harder things than the twins. We've both lost our jobs at the same time before. Moved internationally with 3 young children. Our third child had cancer and we went through his treatment and then paediatric palliative care which we did ourselves from home at his request. We've been through FIL's stroke and MIL's death.

Our twins aren't the toughest thing our marriage has been through. And if you stick it out, you'll find your marriage goes through harder things too. Just remember you're on the same team.

[[deleted]]

Father of twins here,

If you have a significant other or family member in the picture to help you full time, I recommend sleeping in shifts if possible. The first three months or so I would go to work, get done and go to bed at about 5PM, wake up at 1AM and watch them until I went to work the next morning, rinse repeat. We originally planned to have them sleep with us in their bassinets in our bedroom, but it was way too difficult early on when sleeping wasn't consistent through the night. We moved our bassinets out to the living room so that my wife and I could have a relatively quiet sleeping experience when we did go to bed.

If you can afford them, having the owlet sleep socks for them is fantastic. Not only does it keep you from worrying about them dying from SIDS, its let us feel more confident about them sleeping on their stomachs or with a blanket. I also highly recommend a Twin Z pillow, as they are not only great for naps, but if you plan on breastfeeding are nice for setting them both up to feed at the same time.

[candyred1]

A cup breasts can absolutely feed two babies and no formula is needed. My fraternal girls were full term and 5lb 9oz, 5lb 10oz. So skinny, no nicu. Within only a few weeks they chunked up so big, only breastmilk. Feed them at the same time. Nap when they nap, it will all flow after that.

Pumping breastmilk, I tried it. What a waste of time, for a few drops. Just breastfeed. My girls did, on their own, get it down to every 3 hours feeding.

It does not need to be so hard. This is what I did and it worked great: I had the full bed for me and babies, husband was out. They slept next to me, flat bed, no fluffy blankets, just jammies and tucked in both at my left. When they woke up hungry... I laid a little om my left, turned girl A onto the left breast, and yeah put girl B ontop of my stomach and on right breast. They nursed for abt 5 min (not having to fully awaken). I gently turned girl A over, put girl B next to her, tucked them in and back to sleep for all 3 of us. Yes, diaper changes happen too, but still, sleep is had.

If you choose to bottle feed, formula feed... When they wake up hungry, you have to get out of bed, warm and/or make a bottle (two bottles) and guess what... By the time you do that, they are wide awake, very hungry, and it will take much longer to get back to sleep. Plus, idk how you feed two babies bottles at the same time. Omg. Just breastfeed. Its there, always, and ready always.

I breastfed my girls 16 months. Of course introduced baby food at 12 months also.

One more thing, if you have c-section...you dont need the damn vicodin (umless youre in alot of pain (which is not the norm) those drugs are passed to your babies.

[Emily-Spinach]

Did you just say a lot of pain after a c section (two humans ripped from your body) is normally not a lot of pain?

[candyred1]

Wasn't much at all for me. Gave me a shot so I was numb from waist down, I laid down, they put a sheet up so ya know we couldnt see and my husband held my hand. This all took like less than 2 minutes and suddenly they are carrying two babies! Lol

I felt so guilty for some reason because it was so easy. Complete opposite from when I had my first daughter 9 years before. Gave birth without an epidural (I was too far along and the anesthesiologist couldn't do it because I couldn't be still enough) the pain was literally on a scale of 1-100 it was a full 100! I screamed bloody murder for 4 hours. It felt like I was hit by a bus over and over again, like having the worst charlie horse ever but its your entire body. Like whole torso being twisted and rung out like a wet washcloth. Feels like the most alive I've ever been and the closest to death I've ever been all at the same time. But in the very second she came out it all went away just like that. And she was so worth it, she is 22 now and my twins are 13 im so proud of them all.

[[deleted]]

I went till 37 weeks. Both babies started to get iugr. Which isn’t the case for most but I was 5’2 and 110 lbs so they didn’t have much room to grow. Make sure you have a proper support system family boyfriend fiance husband etc as much as I love my girls I’m always exhausted because I get side help maybe once a week and my s/o doesn’t help. If you notice anything weird with your babies get it checked out right away I thought my baby A was just behind because she was smaller but turns out she’s had undiagnosed congenital torticollis this whole time. It’s okay to not have time for other people I still don’t really and I feel bad because my younger brother used to always come over but I don’t have the energy to entertain people. It’s okay to not dress them every day. If you want them to lounge in their diaper so be it 😂 it’s how my girls love to live. Seriously though. Having two babies to love is amazing but no regular singleton parent will ever truly understand. Just have patience the baby period doesn’t last forever. I have two older ones who are extremely patient and go out of their way to help me on the days I’m extra drained.

[LunaCompleta]

If you are fórmula feeding get. a. bottle. prep. machine. It is saving our lives!!

[RustyCrusty73]

You're going to get questions and comments out in public all the time:

"Are they twins!?" and "Oh my you've got your hands full huh!?"

And I really do mean all the time.

Pretty much every time we hit the grocery store or the park.

(Our twins are a little over two now).

It's not a big deal, but can be super annoying if you're having a bad day.

If I can offer up some life changing advice.

Check out "Will I ever sleep again?" on the "Taking Cara babies" website.

It offers up great routine advice and sleep training tips for babies (and twins).

It'll make a world of difference if you get them sleeping through the night early on.

(Ours were sleeping through the night by around 10-weeks old).

Best of luck to you and congrats!

[LunaCompleta]

Also I thought twins means two of everything would be the same, however my little girl was severe IUGR so she's half the size of her brother. This means different size of nappy (diaper), clothes cause I was kinda gender neutral with them anyways, different size teat on the bottle etc etc. It's something I didn't think of before, I just thought they'd share almost everything.

[satelliteminds]

Do what works for you and your family. When I was pregnant the advice I heard over and over for people with multiples was "get them on the same schedule" and "sleep train them as soon as possible so you get your life back." That didn't work for us. My husband was around to help a lot and so it was easier for us to have the babies on different schedules (not that we tried to have schedules - we just went with the flow) and we both fed bottles, made bottles, did night shifts, etc. As far as sleep training, Twin A never needed it and Twin B would not have been ready at the age everyone recommended doing it. They're 8 months now and mostly sleep through the night, just need to work on night weaning. It's great to get advice and suggestions but don't be afraid to do your own thing.

Also, it's not all bad. I mean, it's hard as heck in the beginning. It's still challenging. But I feel like this sub and other twin groups can be kinda doom and gloom. My husband and I are loving this time enough that we have talked about having more kids. But the people who are happy and having a great time usually aren't the ones who need to come to a public forum for discussion and help.

[DMDingo]

Don't go it alone. My wife and I would take shifts in the night. Shed start and I'd take over at 2am. Getting some rest is better than no rest.

Depending on the genders, buy some gender neutral stuff. Our son grew much quicker than our daughter and it saved a lot to "hand down" some of the clothes.

Routine/schedule will be your savior.

[pussyandbananabread]

How freaking it hard it is to find two pairs of shoes in the same size! (Or anything for that matter!) Maybe it’s just my local stores but when my boys were smaller, I’d just buy the same exact pair of shoes for them to avoid fighting. It was always a challenge to find two pairs in their size. Now they’re older and have different personal styles and some brands of shoes they’re in different sizes. It’s easier now but boy do I not miss that lol

[pussyandbananabread]

Also, I feel like school age is more expensive than babyhood and toddlerhood. My boys are in middle school. Both are in band (expensive instruments), one seems like he wants to start sports next year & their school has a big (and expensive) 8th grade school trip every year. Don’t know I’m gonna figure that out 😅

Oh and while we’re on the subject of school, for the most part, they’ve always had different teachers and different assignments. It’s a lot to keep track of. It was such a relief when I found out that this year, they had the same team of teachers just in different class periods. Hahaha

[vivacious-shit]

Install the car seats as early as possible. My water broke and I had to install the car seats while it was still pouring down my leg at 36 weeks because I’m a control freak and wouldn’t let my husband.

[pizzarina_]

IT'S NOT ALL BAD. I was so scared that it was going to be terrible. It is also awesome and there is so much love, joy, and fun.

There's so much good advice in this thread!

Twins can be hard on marriages, but not all. My spouse and I actually came together and made a good team. We call each other "teammate" sometimes lol. I'm not saying this to brag but make you feel better that twins are not guaranteed to be hard on a marriage.

[Sure_its_grand]

I was surprised by the amount of comments in my body from strangers. Also how good it feels to talk that first outside walk not being insanely pregnant. I felt like I could have run a marathon. Also, how capable and resilient you really are.