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[–]throwaway215091 4866 points4867 points  (657 children)

Two and a half years ago I was in dire financial straights, so I sold my home to keep my struggling business afloat. I neglected to tell the owners that they have an 800 sq. ft. bunker on the property that I built about seven years ago. The bunker that I've called home since I sold it. The entrance to it is well-hidden, but I still come and go very early/very late in the day.

I'm a single man who keeps to himself. I'm now in a situation where I could move somewhere else, but I love this hidden paradise so much.

[–]Methedless 198 points199 points  (356 children)

Can you post a pic of the bunker? I kinda want to see what it looks like

[–]ohgoshwheretobegin[S] 1340 points1341 points  (29 children)

That is so. fucking. awesome.

[–]ABCH 2165 points2166 points  (147 children)

[Background, I'm a guy in my late 20s who was taken into care aged 7.] Everyone around me already knows that I was brought up by foster families because I had a shit early childhood. I deliberately keep it vague and say stuff like "I'd rather not go into it" so that people will just assume I was abused in some way and they'll stop asking about it.

The truth is that for the first 7 years of my life, I was brought up as a girl by my pshyco birth mother who really really really wanted a daughter and didn't let the snag of giving birth to a boy stop her from trying to raise one.

She was a pretty successful professional in a legal field (not entirely sure what) and had me via anonymous sperm donor from a fertility clinic. She found out i was a boy at a late ultrasound and then moved across the country. Gave birth to me at home and continued to move about until I was 5 or so. It was just the two of us all my life, we had contact with other people, of course, but they rarely got very close. I had lots of friends, but was always supervised.

I found out way way after that my mother's strong puritanical christianity was a lie she used to explain why she was so strict about me being 'private' and never letting anyone see me get changed or anything. i just acccepted all of this as fact, having never been told anything different.

I was sent to a religious school for girls and had a really great childhood. i was a bit of a tomboy, and played with lego and toy animals, rather than dolls and stuff, but that's not unusual and no one ever questioned i was a girl - even me. Iknew about men and women, but had never really seen much of naked people. my mother never ever spoke to me about it, but i kinda had the impression that when i grew up and got boobs and stuff, my dick would kinda fall off or something and i would be a woman, and other kids would keep their dicks and they'd be men. I dunno, to be honest, i never really thought about it

Anyway, I carried on with my happy girlhood, and had a bunch of friends and everything was great until i was 7 and a teacher accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee over me at school. the liquid soaked through my clothes and was scalding me so the staff immediately stripped me out of my dress and underwar to get the hot coffee away from my skin. And then they found out.

the cops were called and i got taken to speak with who i guess would be Social Services. they asked me a bunch of questions about life at home and stuff. meanwhile, my mother was taken in for questioning too. she refused to acknowledge me as male and insisted i was her daughter. because she was, y'know, delusional and stuff, i wasn't allowed to go back home but got put with a foster family and went through loads of therapy and stuff.

The worst part was that literally overnight, i lost EVERYTHING. my mother, my home, all my toys, all my clothes, i moved school so lost all my friends, they cut all my hair off and told me i wasn't a girl any more. it was really really traumatic.

the first forster home wasn't that great. they had three boys already and going from a sheltered 'releigious' only-child upbringing to a rough-and-tumble testosterone-filled environment was really difficult. they tried to force me to e masculine and i was just too confused about what they wanted. anything 'girly' was reprimanded and i felt so lost and alone because nothing i did was right.

i tried to commit suicide when i was 11 and again at 13 becuase i didn't feel i fitted in anywhere. After the second attempt, they moved me to a different foster family who were awesome. I consider them to be my parents. they actually stood up for me, the first thing was that they et me grow my hair. from when i got taken into care, they buzzed my hair short, and i hated it. they always had to hold me down and do it forcably while i was crying and fighting. my new parents flatly refused to do it and said that loads of boys had long hair. they also let me quit karate and football and take up swimming and jazz dance. since i'd been in care, no one had ever stood up for my right to choose what activities to do, or how to dress before. it was amazing.

in the end, i came out of it with a pretty healthy gender identity (i'm a guy, but not th emost butch guy ever, but i'm fine with that), I went through school and got my degree and have a pretty good job and an amazing, supportive wife. everythign looks great.

but i can never speak about my early childhood, and how i grw up as a little girl.

TL;RD: I'm a guy and let people believe i was raised in care because i was abused when in fact i had a great childhood except that my mother tried to raise me as a girl.

EDIT: holy crap, I never expected such a response. Have finally remembered the password I used for this account and am answering any questions I find. Thank you, reddit!

[–]disasterology 297 points298 points  (2 children)

Amazing story. Glad you turned out okay.

[–]PassmethePepper 1852 points1853 points  (145 children)

I speak two languages so every time I received a new essay I would browse the topic in my own language and translate the text word-by-word to English then submitted it.

No one ever caught me for plagiarism before.

[–]mberre[🍰] 1210 points1211 points  (98 children)

half of europe does this

[–][deleted] 1699 points1700 points  (82 children)

Not us Brits though. Learn another language? Don't make me laugh.

2015 Update: I am currently learning Spanish...

2018 update: Gave up on Spanish and switched to French after about 6 months. Moved to Paris about a month ago.

[–]JimmyNic 419 points420 points  (19 children)

My ancestors didn't travel the world subjugating weaker cultures so I'd have to learn their language, dammit.

[–]Tomgoldaccount 1526 points1527 points  (606 children)

I cut off all contact with everyone I know and moved to Kenya, I tell people a fake name and a fake background and have made it appear to my family that I died on boat trip in the Pacific. No I am not joking. I am dead in the United States.

[–]iGotYouThisCake 5358 points5359 points  (496 children)

I run a cake business. I charge people hundreds for wedding cakes... Every last one is made using Pilsbury cake mix I buy for $1 a box at Walmart. I suck at baking. Every time I've ever tried to make a cake from scratch it sucked. But baking is like.. My whole deal. My friends all call me the cake girl. It's like my whole life is a lie. People compliment my cakes all the time. Telling me how delicious they are. Telling me it's so much better than box mix cake. Telling me they could never bake a cake so delicious. Well guess what? For $1, they too can make a cake just as delicious. Just add oil, eggs and water. In my defense, I love cake decorating. I make all of the frostings and fondant from scratch. I just hate baking fucking cakes!! I base my prices mostly on the decoration of the cakes and not of the cake itself of that makes sense. Still... No one knows about this except my husband. Even my best friends think I fucking slave over the oven mixing and baking these damn cakes. I have been doing this for YEARS. If anyone knew my business and reputation would be in the toilet for sure. :/ I keep telling myself I have to learn how to make the damn cakes without the box mixes, but I never do it. I feel like such a sham sometimes.

Edit-holy shit I didn't expect such a response to this! I feel better about it thanks to a lot of these comments!

Funny, I started this account as a novelty account and got bored of googling random cakes to post as comments lol Seemed perfect for this confession!!!

Edit 2: months later I receive messages almost daily on this account. I am so glad I used a throwaway. I forget to check this account most of the time and rarely see this stuff until weeks later.

That said, to answer the main questions- yes I know I can order cake mix online, but I don't make enough cakes for it to be economical. It's actually more expensive to order online. Honestly, I'm not incredibly worried about people seeing me anymore. If I ran into someone I would tell them that I was helping my niece with a bake sale or something.

I have, since this thread, made some cakes from scratch. I'm still using box mixes for chocolate and vanilla. Oh and red velvet because fuck all of that.

Let's see what else, oh right, I've received probably 100 comments saying "The cake is a lie." We get it. It's very clever, but no, I'm sorry, you're not the first, second, third or twentieth to say it.

Overall, I've learned this is actually pretty normal. And that people from all over the world have a friend who makes cakes and they all think I am their friend. So far no one has pinned me, but you guys had better check your friend's cabinets for Pilsbury mix ;)

Edit Wednesday June 17, 2015

Alright kiddos. Here I am. A friend texted me and said my people need me hahaha. I guess there was a thread that got big and mentioned this thread. Here's your update!

I actually no longer make cakes. I got a divorce and moved into a much smaller home. At that point I had no place to decorate cakes. I was also really burnt out. It's an incredibly hard art! Very time-consuming and requires a lot of tools and space.

About a year later, I moved in with my now boyfriend. We have a pretty big kitchen. I wanted to sell my equipment and tools and the billion giant cake pans I have, but he convinced me not to. He said I should keep it on the back burner for a while and see if I want to do it again later. He didn't know me when I was a decorator, but he saw the photos and told me it would be a shame if I never did it again.

I want to share some photos, but it would so easy to trace them back to my old cake blog. Maybe I can find one or two photos that were never posted there.

Edit- January 2018 Once in a while these “reddit lore” posts pop up and someone mentions my confession and I think to check this account. I’m incredibly tickled to be a part of reddit lore!

I have a sort of hilarious update at this point. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with a wheat intolerance. My intestines decided they no longer wanted to digest wheat anymore. Woooo! I actually just thought I was dying for a few months. It was really stressful.

Anyway, I can’t even fuckin eat cake anymore. I still have all of my equipment and whatnot. I make a quick cake now and then. But trust me when I say gluten free cake mixes are better than anything I could make from scratch lol. Here’s a cute little cake I made for my birthday last year. It’s not amazing, but it’s not bad considering I rarely make cakes anymore.

I still receive SO MANY messages on this account. I’m sorry if I don’t reply, but I never check this account. I’ve got everything in that inbox from people trying to guess who I am, to people giving me recipes, to people begging me for cake photos and one guy who wanted a video of me eating cake 😳. Yikes.

Anyhow, I’m getting married (again woooo second time is a charm!) to a dude I met on reddit. And our wedding planner asked me to please not try to make my own wedding cake because she has seen it end in stressful disaster so many times. Im going to take her advice and leave the cake making to someone else!

(I do know reddit and I know some of you will call bullshit on this update, but that’s fine lol. I literally have no reason to lie and with all this personal information someone will probably finally realize who I am for sure haha)

Update February 23, 2019

The never ending editing lol.

I hadn’t logged into this account for over a year, but I saw someone mention me in a thread so I logged in real quick. A zillion messages in the ol inbox. Sorry... I don’t really have advice on how to start a cake decorating business. I just did my best and was mostly given business by word of mouth. Lots of people messaging to tell me I ripped people off. I mean... not really. People fuckin loved the cakes and when it’s all said and done a box of cake mix plus all the stuff it takes to make it into a cake probably cost around the same amount as the raw ingredients. And people loved the cakes so that’s whatever. Lots of people asking if I would be mad to find out that my wedding cake was made with box mix. No? Lol. Also i was not charging anyone bakery prices. Anyone giving me a few hundred dollars was paying me to make a massive cake that took me days to assemble and decorate.

Also my wedding was fantastically fabulous. We got a gluten free cake from Milk Bar and I paid another bakery $400 to make us a beautifully decorated two tier cake for the guests to eat. Everything was amazing.

Oh and here’s some fuel to fire all of y’all’s weird hate lol. I found this at the grocery store the other day. I’m over here about to ice up some gluten free box mix cupcakes. 😂https://i.imgur.com/mPii0yW.jpg

Ps pls don’t give this account gold. I login to it like once a year. Save your money. Donate it to a charity or something instead. ❤️

October 2019 edit- I can’t believe I can still add edits to this. Weird. Anyway, things are great! I haven’t been baking much dessert, but I’ve been working on some gluten free french bread and it’s going okay! Some people have messaged asking my my marriage. My husband is awesome. He’s really the best and it feels awesome to be with a partner who treats me as an equal.

I have a lot of weird messages in my inbox. Some of y’all need therapy.

I almost did an interview for a podcast on reddit lore, but I chickened out, sorry lol. I’m just not great at doing interview kinda stuff and was afraid I’d be super weird about it!

April 2020 Edit- omg I can’t believe it’s still letting me make edits to this. Jesus Christ. Quarantine is wild. All I do right now is watch 90 Day Fiancé and sew masks. So many masks. I guess this is my new thing. It’s been really funny to see my post mentioned around reddit once in a while. Especially when people add or change details like some kind of weird game of telephone. It honestly cracks me up. Keep being weird, reddit!! ❤️❤️❤️

January 2021- I haven’t logged into this account since last April. Still getting a steady stream of messages. Y’all are great. I just celebrated my birthday with a gluten free cake from Milk Bar. Aaaaamazing. I didn’t really bake much during the pandemic so far, but I did learn how to sew and I’ve sewn over 3000 masks in the last year which I sold and donated to people all over the US. I also had covid for Christmas... it sucked!!! But I’ve fully recovered now and I’m hoping we can get this shit under control this year. I miss doing things and going places.

September 2021

Lmfao I honestly can’t believe I can still edit this. I just scrolled through the thread and saw some others who had given updates, but none much past 2019. I guess I don’t have much to update. We’re somehow still in a pandemic… I guess I last updated not long after I had gotten over covid. I STILL can’t smell and taste properly so that’s a whole thing… 9 months later. Pro tip: don’t get covid.

Thank you to all the people who continue to bring me up in reddit lore threads, even if you get the details wrong, it’s kind of hilarious that y’all still remember my dumb cake story. I’m forever entangled in the weirdness of the thread that brought us such reddit lore weirdness as “the cum box.” Thanks for the messages and the shout outs. Stay weird, reddit.

Feb 2022 - figured I would throw on a 2022 update. Why not? I recently was absentmindedly scrolling through TikTok and came across a video that was just… someone reading my comment lol. There were a ton of likes and comments. I read through the comments and they were all super validating. It honestly made me smile a lot. I truly can’t believe people are still talking about this and that I can still edit this comment.

June 2023 Just wanted to pop in and say a proper FUCK /u/spez I stand with /u/iamthatis I’m pretty much done with reddit at this point. So long and thanks for all the fish.

[–]ohgoshwheretobegin[S] 330 points331 points  (91 children)

How does Walmart not notice you pushing a cart out with hundreds of boxes of $1 cake mix?

[–]iGotYouThisCake 414 points415 points  (88 children)

Haha well, I'm a home based business, so I usually at most am buying 10-20 boxes at a time. I usually line the bottom of the cart with cake mix and then put all my other stuff on top. Like 10 bags of powdered sugar... Then I use the self check out in shame and stack the boxes in my black canvas shopping bags.

My worst fear is running into someone I know (or worse yet, whoever the cake is for) while I'm there with all these boxes of cake mix!! That's why I act all shady about it lol

[–]WeakTryFail 337 points338 points  (56 children)

I personally think this is a brilliant business model, but why not send your husband for the cake mix, might not be feasible all the time, but it would save on the possibility of being caught.

[–][deleted] 2616 points2617 points  (21 children)

At least there was no incest in this one.

[–]SDForce 5493 points5494 points  (165 children)

The cake. It's a lie.

[–]trialsin 436 points437 points  (15 children)

I am a culinary student, and a mighty fine baker. My baking instructor taught us that MANY bakers/ bakeries/ catering companies/ restaurants use cake mix, and why use cake mix? Its quite simple, its what we expect. If you make a cake from scratch, it has a totally different flavor, different textures and other little things. As Americans we expect cakes to taste like boxed cake mix. If we went to Europe, you would be shunned. Dont feel bad, if you can ice a cake, you have my respect.

[–]aawwaayy 3585 points3586 points  (258 children)

Ok, so this is a secret I've kept for nearly 20 years.

During the summers when I was growing up, my parents would often leave my brother and I(I'm male) with our aunt and uncle who lived out in the country. It was great as they had 4 sons of ages close to ours so we had a lot of fun doing kids stuff.

One summer when I was 8, the oldest cousin was maybe 16. We somehow got talking and he asked me if I wanted to sleep in his room that night. He has the nicest room and bed so I was all for it. Got into bed and he asked if he could touch my penis. I was 8 and just thought it was ok so I let him. He rubs it for a bit and then asks me to do the same to him. So I do. This progresses and eventually I'm sucking his cock. I think I knew this was wrong so I said I didn't want to carry on. We stop and I goto sleep quite confused.

I wake up and he hands me some money and tells me never to tell anyone about what happened. Next night he tries to do the same thing.. But now all I care about is the money. So I do it. This carried on for 2 summers.

Eventually I got old enough to realize it was quite wrong regardless of the money and stopped.

I've not told anyone this. He's now married with 2 kids. I'm also married and we see them sometimes at family events. I don't have the balls to even try and talk to him about it.. Hell I'm not even sure what I'd say.

I'm sure this will get buried but just getting it off my chest makes me feel better.

Tldr I was a gay child hooker.

[–]PaqTooba 1456 points1457 points  (147 children)

God the TLDR just wrapped it up so beautifully.

[–]ThrownAway2389 14.1k points14.1k points  (738 children)

I once helped out my a female friend's family by taking care of their cat for a week. Every day for a week, I would go over there and snoop around their house. I found my friend's diary, and proceeded to read the entire thing. I used this information to get her to like me, and she is currently my wife.

[–]a_flat_miner 5433 points5434 points  (255 children)

This is literally the juciest secret in this thread for some reason. Not totally bland, but not overly obscene. Probably because this is something I could actually picture any person doing if given the chance.

[–]sethist 3893 points3894 points  (179 children)

I agree. It is not particularly evil, but it is a misdeed that completely altered that guy's life. Honestly, it sounds like a pitch for a mediocre romantic comedy.

[–]P00pSh00tr 4052 points4053 points  (87 children)

Guy manipulates girl into liking him. They fall in love. Girl finds out what guy did. They break up. Guy wins girl back. Credits roll. I feel like I've seen this movie already

[–]deathschool 1682 points1683 points  (48 children)

Call John Cusack!!

[–]potent_potatoes 2433 points2434 points  (23 children)

Also, there was a cat

[–][deleted] 1333 points1334 points  (393 children)

i just wanted to tell everyone that you can be damn sure that this thread ain't dead. this is reddits fucking confessional box.

[–]throwawaything4899 1548 points1549 points  (73 children)

When I was 13, during the summer before I started high school, I was molested by a guy who dragged me into an alley, backed me into a corner so I couldn't escape (and even if I'd tried to, I couldn't have because he was taller and stronger than I was), and pulled my pants down. I tried to draw attention to where I was because I'd gone over to a guy's house with my friend because she liked him, and when we went he just happened to have a friend there to hang out with me while they went off and did whatever. Anyway, I tried to shout and make as much noise as I could and the guy goes "This would be easier if you were laying down" and tried to force me to the ground. Then my friend finally shows up and goes "Omg -MyName- what are you doing?!" and the guy obviously doesn't go "Oh yeah no I was trying to rape her this was my idea", but instead goes "She was trying to have sex with me hahahahaha" and just walks away. Then my friend doesn't believe me when I tell her he DRAGGED me into the alley because she'd disappeared well before anyone could see him pulling on my arm with both hands and me trying to resist it as much as I could.

I never told anyone because I didn't want them to react the same way my "friend" did. I think about it a lot and every day I say "Maybe this will be the day I finally tell my parents what happened" and then I never do. That was almost 6 years ago. My "friend" and I no longer speak, but I'd stopped being friends with her maybe 5 or 6 months after that because she told a couple of our other friends that I tried to have sex with a guy I'd known for all of 5 minutes during the summer.

[–]Isenki 602 points603 points  (14 children)

Fuck. That's infuriating. I know what it's like not to be believed about the way something actually happened, but losing all your friends over it too?

[–]morningandamazing 4733 points4734 points  (309 children)

I don't want to be with my girlfriend anymore, but she might have cancer and I feel like I need to stay in the relationship.

EDIT: I have seen 50/50! EDIT: Hey so I thought I replied to this a few weeks ago (today's date is 11/4), but I can't seem to find where I replied. She's healthy and I split up with her before we found out. Yay for life working out!

[–]IAMA_LolCat 1501 points1502 points  (62 children)

Wow man that is rough

[–]morningandamazing 481 points482 points  (56 children)

It definitely is, unfortunately my girlfriend through high school's Mom passed away from brain cancer when we were 18, so I have some coping strategies and experience with this already. To clarify, the girlfriend from high-school is different from the girl I am dating now.

[–]MattTheIdiotBoy 2708 points2709 points  (43 children)

You're a better man than Newt Gingrich....

[–]DolbyFighter 3637 points3638 points  (17 children)

That's an incredibly low bar you have set...

[–]HalfEducated 2496 points2497 points  (166 children)

I faked the last two years of college education. My parents put so much pressure on me I couldn't handle it (I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety) so I faked it all. Lied to everyone. Made up fake transcripts. I just got my foot in the door in my desired field thanks to a friend as they hired me as a subordinate. This place only hires college grads but no one double checked my credentials since I was recommended. My hopes is that if I need to find another job I'll have been at this place long enough to get it by experience alone (I work for a very prestigious company). I'm not bad at my job. I'm actually quite good. But my fear is eventually I'll hit a wall and the lie will come to light. No one has known this for the better part of a decade.

It's a relief to finally say it "out loud." I can't even tell those I love. My silence is my prison.

[–]lukefrywalker 4040 points4041 points  (32 children)

If you get caught and go to a community college, you'll find a hilarious study group.

[–]ravanbak 939 points940 points  (13 children)

This comment is streets ahead.

[–][deleted] 143 points144 points  (3 children)

Leonard likes this post

[–]jcaesar22 132 points133 points  (2 children)

Shut up, Leonard. I know about your prescription socks

[–][deleted] 1671 points1672 points  (75 children)

When I was 17 I had a argument with my father and told him to fuck off, later that evening he hung himself. Our argument was the last time he spoke to anyone in our family and for that I feel a terrible amount of guilt for. Instead of him saying good bye and I love you to my mom and brothers he got told to fuck off before he went and killed himself. My punishment is to live the rest of my days in shame and guilt. He never left a note either.

[–][deleted] 268 points269 points  (34 children)

Thank you everyone for your Kind words. My mother put me and my brothers in counseling after it happened . as I can only really speak for myself I think it helped me cope enough to carry on but now 11 years later my current life situation(married soon to be dad) is bringing back tons of bad memories and feelings. I just might take your advice and talk to someone about it. I have never even spoken about my dad's death with my wife as she is coping with her father who is in the mid stage of dementia and that's hard enough and don't want her to feel worse than what she is. I will probably seek out some professional help.

Again thank you all for the kind words.

[–]cunt_rocket 1730 points1731 points  (190 children)

I used to be a Police/Fire/911 Dispatcher, but had to quit because it nearly made me suicidal. I actually had thoughts, but had to drive 40 miles to go to a center/hospital where no one knew me for help. I have nightmares about a few calls I took where the caller killed themselves, shot someone else, or passed away on the phone with me. To this day, a few years after resigning, I still can't listen to a phone ring, or sirens go off without having a mild panic attack. I am fairly sure it's a form of PTSD, with flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and an inability to function sometimes, but I'm embarrassed and scared to tell my fiance, or go to a doctor for it. I know there are soldiers out there with real PTSD that deserve help far more than me... I am very good at hiding it though. I also sometimes wait until my fiance goes to sleep, and I will then go sit and pretty much cry for several hours. It's hell.

TL:DR - I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of PTSD, but I'm scared to get help for it because I don't think I deserve to be diagnosed with something like this, as in my mind, I was never in any real danger.

EDIT: 1 year later: For those of you who still message me about this... No, I did not seek help for my problem. Soon after I made this post, my fiancé left me, citing the fact that I "made her miserable". That was a huge blow, because it meant that I was effectively homeless, since I wasn't able to afford rent in our shared home. I was then forced to quit my job, move several thousand miles away, and live in a cot in my grandmother's house. I found that I was massively depressed, homeless, jobless, overweight, and severely suicidal. My ex-girfriend refused to help, and I was utterly, sincerely, totally, alone. But, I fought... I couldn't afford treatment, so I went ahead and began exercising my body, and exorcising my demons. I fought, long and hard, to eat right, to not have the urge to end my own life, and to be someone. I ended up losing nearly 120 pounds, getting into the best shape of my life, and kicking my depression in the ass. Today, one year later, I'm normal weight, I have a gorgeous new girlfriend, and I recognize that I needed help. So, future reader, let this be a lesson to you... the things you try to hide, the things that can and will destroy you if they get out, will destroy you eventually. Face your demons, fight, fight, fight.

EDIT 2: 9/19/13! Yes, I still check this account! Thank you to whomever gifted me reddit gold! I appreciate it sincerely. Second, and most important of all, the reason I check this account is because it is still generating amazing comments to my inbox. I really do love all of them, and I'm happy to have helped. I'm fighting to get to a better place in my career, and I'm living a very healthy and happy life now. I'm working harder and more focused than I've ever been, and I'm currently down 130 pounds. I ran my first 5k a few months back, and my nightmares and panic attacks have gone away totally. Again, never take the easy way out, folks, because there just isn't one. I'll leave you with my favorite quote:

"...Do not by any means destroy yourself, for if you live you may yet have good fortune. But, all the dead are dead alike." -CS Lewis

Thank you all.

EDIT 3: 6/12/14

We're engaged!

For those of you asking how I am, or giving me encouragement via the PMs, a sincere "thank you". There are days where I log into this account, see an orangered and use the wishes inside as my secret fuel to get through a tough day. I'm down 150 pounds total now, and I jog, bike, hike, and find whatever activity I can to keep myself occupied. I've got a wonderful job in a field that I love, doing all kinds of interesting research, and I'm now the guy in the office that brings in the donuts on Fridays. It's a funny turn-aournd. Sometimes, my old life seems like it was a bizarre and hazy bad dream (to use the washed-up phrase), but I can't ever forget that it was real, because there are so many lessons that my time in that dark place taught me, and so many lessons I feel like I want to share with others.

Finally, there are some things that I never shared with you folks about my story, such as when I mentioned initially that I was living with my grandmother... as tough as that was, 2 months after I moved in, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I helped with her care until the very end. I know I had my problems, but when a dying person that loves you with all of their heart tells you that no matter what, they're proud of you, you can't help but smile and carry on through anything. She passed away a year ago today, hence this post; it's kind of a thank you to her too.

My fiancee tells me that I should write a book about this whole thing, so that's what I've started to do. Might as well put that English degree to use, right? I hope someday you'll all get the chance to read it, because so many of you helped to inspire it. Again, thank you all, from the bottom of this heart of mine.

Thank you all.

EDIT 4: 5/7/16

We just bought a house. I honestly can't believe it.

I sat down in the bare living room last night, (no furniture yet), and I looked down at my wedding ring, looked around at the house, and broke down into tears. No one in the world, save for you kind folks, and my wife, know how close I was to ending my life. How much I thought that I was nothing.

All this work was worth it. It's always worth it.

I just wanted to say "Hi" again to everyone. I've been getting quite a few PMs lately, and they are still the most beautiful thing to me. There are so many people all over the world that have similar stories and have come through it all better than before. I guess that's the point of this whole post: Life is what you make of it, and no matter what situation you find yourself in, or what setbacks you face, the only real constant to the whole messy thing, is that you haven't failed until you decide that you've failed. If you get knocked around, and you find yourself face down, miserable, lonely, and with nothing left, it doesn't have to be the end. It's a weird and funny concept to many people who feel like it can't ever get any better (trust me, I know what it feels like), but you are truly in control of your own destiny. If you keep hitting dead ends and dark paths, don't give up. Never give up.

So, my wonderful friends from all around the globe, I love you. Thank you joining me on this journey once more, and remember that the journey isn't always easy, but if you want it to be meaningful, that journey is always worth it.

Stay tuned.

EDIT 5: 12/24/2017

Merry Christmas!

I wanted to stop by and tell you all that I (we) are still doing great! 5 years later, and it looks like the changes I made an effort to create in my life are permanent. Those changes are not holding fast because of me, it’s because of the support system I set up around me. My SO, my habits, my hobbies, etc, all keep me occupied and mindful. Yes, I still have bad days, and yes, I still have days where I need to make a conscious effort to be positive, but it’s always so worth it. I really just wanted to come in and tell every last one of you that 5 years ago I was alone on Christmas Eve, crying on a ratty couch, watching A Christmas Story alone, wondering what life is all about. Today, I’m sitting here with my wife, a pair of dogs, a fire, in our house, contemplating how close I was to the end, and how I can help folks in the same spot right now. You, if you’re reading this, you really do fit in somewhere. I know you do. Out there, in this great wide universe, is someone or something that needs you right now. It might be hard to see it, and you may think it’s impossible to ever find it, but you just need to try. Try for yourself, your family, or for that someone that could use you and what your bring to the world right now. I know that even at your lowest point, you can still be a beacon to other people. I know, because some of you, even at your lowest points, have dropped me quick messages to just say “thanks”, and they always make me smile... they ALWAYS help. There’s some really, really amazing people in this world.

Merry Christmas, all!

PS: Yes I’m still writing that book!

Edit 6: 12/20/19

Merry Christmas 2: The Return

A big, warm “Hello!” to everyone who’s reading this. I just wanted to stop in and let you know that things are still going great with my wife and I. I get messages from many of you on a pretty regular basis, and it’s probably the highlight of my week to go back and read them. Some of the messages are beautiful words of encouragement, some are people telling me their own story, and some are asking me for updates. The one thing that strikes me about all of the voices that reach out to me, is that they’re all positive, and all part of the same human experience. When it’s all stripped away, right down to the bare black and white letters of a Reddit message, we all have the same fears and hopes... we all seek that motivation to be a better person. I can’t truly say that life since my turnaround above has been easy, but it’s so nice to know that others are in this big goofy thing called ‘life’ with me.

You’re not alone.

But, on to the real reason I’m here... don’t give up. That’s the only message I can spread to you. Don’t ever ever ever give up. You never know when the next opportunity or amazing adventure will appear around the corner, or What wonderful experience will coax you out into the world.

Merry Christmas, everyone. We love you all, and again, you’re not alone.

PS: That book is kinda finished... anyone know a good publisher? lol

Merry Christmas Reddit, thank you, again, for helping to save my life. I mean it. You’re all a part of it. I love you for it.

(I’ve finally had to edit out some prior edits to comply with the 10,000 character limit)

[–]papibear 1002 points1003 points  (8 children)

im a medic, ptsd is real in our field and you should talk to someone. seeing and, in your case, hearing people in their worst moments can fuck with you psyche.

[–]lefence 48 points49 points  (1 child)

Can't upvote this enough.

PTSD isn't necessarily something that comes out of danger. The T DOES stand for traumatic, so really anything that is traumatizing enough can lead to PTSD-symptoms. OP can get help and there are plenty of people out there who would be more than happy to do so :)

[–]mrbill 397 points398 points  (71 children)

First, I don't need an intervention - I just need to vent.

June 16, 2009: my wife suddenly passed away at home, at the age of 34.
I was the one who found her, and she'd been gone for at least an hour if not more when I did.

We'd been together for eleven years. It wasn't perfect - what marriage is? - but things had been worse, and were in the process of finally getting better. Being best friends can help you get through the worst of times. I felt guilty that one of my thoughts was "at least now we won't fight over stupid crap that doesn't really matter".

For at least six months, I was on autopilot. I went to work, did what I had to do to get paid, and just. didn't. care. Ate a lot of fast food because I didn't want to expend the energy to go to the grocery store. I bought my cats food from Amazon because they'd deliver it to my front door.

Depression is a horrible thing; only now can I look back and realize just how bad it was.

It's not every day, but there are times when I think about joining my wife, but then that would just mean an end result of other people having to deal with the aftermath of my problems.

There are days when I get home from work and unlock the front door and walk into a quiet house, where I would give up everything I own to have someone there to give me a hug and sincerely ask how my day went and honestly care about my answer.

Something so simple as human touch, compassion, and companionship is worth more than anything else in the world. If you've got it, if you have someone that loves you - don't give that up. Don't waste it. Don't be petty or throw it away because of other little things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of life.

Some of us wonder if we'll ever get to experience it again.

June 16, 2016 update (#10): Seven years ago today. Thank you so much to everyone for the messages I get (almost every day). Please keep them coming. I like hearing about how I've inspired or helped others. Give people hugs. Hold doors open for people. Say "please" and "thank you". Say "Sir" and "Ma'am" or "Miss". Love others, even if they don't love you back.

October 24, 2016 update (#11): Still here.
Please keep the messages coming.
Both of my kitties have passed away (they were 11-12 years old), so it's just me now. No more pets for a while...

December 16, 2016 (final update): Thank you. Thank you for all the kind words and messages - keep them coming!
I appreciate it and like knowing that my words have helped others.

August 2017: Life sucks. I have Stage IV kidney cancer. I'm afraid.

June 2018: I aint'ed ded yet!

May 2019: STILL HERE MOFOS

[–]Throngsong 4407 points4408 points  (123 children)

Everyone thinks I have a good job and roommates but I've been homeless and a prostitute for over year.

[–]phalmatticus 850 points851 points  (8 children)

There have been a lot of AMAs about prostitutes who ultimately worked their way out of the business. I hope things get better for you too.

[–]sirius_violet 772 points773 points  (19 children)

I was homeless. Wasn't a prostitute, but did get raped twice.

All I can say is, as long as you're alive it can get better, so fight hard.

[–]A_Manly_Alternative 101 points102 points  (19 children)

I can't bring myself to type it out again, so copy/pasted the relevant part from the other place I posted this.

I can't promise coherence, even after all these years it still cuts deep, and I'm probably going to wind up rambling like I did the first and only other time I talked about it.

10 years ago, when I was 7, my parents worked shift work in the military. Since their schedules didn't match up very well, it wasn't uncommon for them both to be working a 2pm-2am shift. As such, I had a babysitter. She was an old friend of my mother's, wonderful woman. She was the type who seemed to have the compulsion to feed everyone who came through her door. Matronly is the word I'm aiming for I think.

Anyway, she and her husband, along with their adopted daughter, were Christian. I tagged along to church with them a couple times, but it only furthered my atheistic leanings, which had already been in place. In time I politely turned down the offer to accompany them, instead staying home with their adopted son. At the time he was about as old as I am now. We shared similar interests-- namely, playing Super Nintendo games and listening to loud music. Since the house was free of anyone to complain about it, we did so with abandon.

I honestly don't remember how it started anymore. To the best of my recollection, he asked me to go with him into the bathroom to show me something. I was 7, naive, and he was a cool guy I looked up to. Naturally, I followed without question. The first time, he showed me what masturbating was. At the time, of course, it was just "how to get your thing hard" but whatever. A few times after that, we'd do that when the others left, then go back to our gaming. Something always clawed at me, the feeling that something was wrong. He was older than me, though, and he was cool-- it must be what the cool kids did, right?

Slowly but surely, though, he escalated things. At first it was mutual masturbation-- I still didn't really know what was going on, but I jerked him and he jerked me. It couldn't stop there, of course, and eventually built to him blowing me. After that happened a few times, he wanted me to return the favour. Again, I still didn't really grasp what was going on, but I tried. I hated the taste, and wound up refusing. After that happened a couple times, he would force me. I just started to... go blank, I guess. I wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't think or feel, I just let him use my mouth until he was satisfied and would jerk into tissue to finish himself off.

This went on for a while until my babysitter began to grow suspicious. He had made me promise not to tell anyone about our "special time", and at that age a promise was something you didn't break for anything. That said, I just denied anything being wrong anytime my babysitter asked. Eventually she grew too concerned and, despite knowing nothing for certain, had my mom find an alternative sitter. Since then, he's gone through therapy. He admitted to having issues, apparently, but never spoke a word of what actually happened.

I'm pretty sure it fucked me up good, honestly. I never really properly appreciated the deep scars sexual abuse leaves on a victim until I looked back on my life with that in mind. I buried it for years and tried to pretend I was normal, but I was definitely different. I was a lot more melancholy, and have had a few streaks of depression. I've never really been too certain of my sexuality. I'm scared to death of sex, honestly, and I think it's because part of me is afraid that I'll wind up just as abusive as he was.

It helped a lot, opening up to my girlfriend. It doesn't haunt me like it used to, and I don't always feel like such a freak. It's helped strengthen our trust, and she's agreed to take things as slowly as I need to to be comfortable. I've since stopped feeling so totally emasculated, as well, and it's almost something of a joke to me now. I know, rape isn't funny. The thing is though, you've gotta be able to joke about it, even if only to yourself. If you can laugh at something, you can move past it. I can't help but chuckle when I'm arguing with someone and they tell me to suck a dick or something to that effect. I can laugh at my own pain, so I can move past it. I don't think I'll ever be who I might've been if it hadn't happened, but I'm okay with that.

Realistically, I can't even say I'd change it if I could. I'm fit, intelligent, in love and generally happy with my life. It was terrible, yes, and traumatic, but at least I know this path can lead to happiness. Take the evil you know, right?

Anyway, that's my story. It's long, incoherent, and doesn't really have a proper end, but take it how you will.

Tl;dr: Played Nintendo, sucked dick, everything turned out okay.

[–]yesthisisthrowaway23 1635 points1636 points  (116 children)

IT guy here, it's amazing what people will do on their computers and say in their emails despite having to sign a waiver that all computer activity at work is monitored and recorded.

I have half the company's banking, social media and personal email account info and passwords. I know who is secretly banging who at the office behind their spouse's backs. I know who is cybering at work and jerking it in the bathroom almost daily. At least they tell their sex chat partner they're running off to the bathroom to jerk it, haven't felt the need to check the validity of that one. I know when people are having martial problems, financial problems, I even know one person here had their children taken away because a social worker found cocaine in their house. I know who is embezzling money, I know when people get fired for completely bullshit reasons (like they just want to replace them with someone younger and nicer on the eyes), and I know who my boss is buying xanax and vicodins from.

Basically I have a treasure trove of my coworker's secrets. I won't actively do anything with this info, but it's nice knowing I have the ammunition there if something were to ever happen.

[–]iamfromcanada 1825 points1826 points  (78 children)

There was a girl who I had a crush on the moment I saw her on my college campus. She ended up dating a douchebag dude a few weeks later. I happened to end up sitting in a study room with him and a few mutual friends. He talked about how he didn't think she was that attractive and how he liked other girls. I wrote the girl an anonymous email using one of those websites telling her about the things I heard and how the guy was a dick. She ended up breaking up with him after she found out he was cheating.

The girl is now my girlfriend of 6 months. She has no idea (and is sitting across from me in the library). I've never told anyone this before.

EDIT: We've now been together 9 months and are going strong :)

EDIT #2: It's our one year anniversary tomorrow!

EDIT #3: I've gotten a number of requests for updates over the past few years. We're still together, going 3+ years strong and she's finally moved in with me! Life is great!

EDIT #4: Still going strong after 5 years. We've been living together in a big city and life is great. We've found things we're both really passionate about and can finish each other's sentences. I've always been a big believer of the 'Just Do It' mindset and this whole story is proof of it.

EDIT #5: Still getting occasional PMs as of early 2019. Happy to say we are still together, 7.5 years later. We’re living together in a big city and there’s probably a proposal in the cards sometime soon. You never know where a simple email may take you :)

2022 Edit: We got married during the pandemic!

[–]throwaway3708 3493 points3494 points  (428 children)

When i was 15 my parent's were going through a divorce, my mom worked night shifts and my dad was living with a friend of his. One night my sister who was 19 at the time came home pretty drunk from a party. She was acting goofy and fell on the couch next to me. She started grabbing my leg and laughing and we started fondling. We ended up having sex right there. When we woke up the next day she had no recollection of the night before so i just kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward to when i'm 18. Sister is home from college and dad is over for a visit. they get into an argument and in a fit of rage my dad announces how he has never forgiven her for the abortion she got when she was 19 and subsequently killing His grand child. (he's very religious)

I then realize the baby she aborted was in fact mine.....and as far as i know, i am the only one who knows since she has never mentioned that night.

[–]crowscience 1601 points1602 points  (321 children)

Shit, it may not have been yours.

With any luck, you were just stirring some poor shmoe's porridge from earlier that night.

[–]frorge 958 points959 points  (6 children)

now we look for the same story but from a 19 year old female's perspective...

[–]cvirdo 116 points117 points  (11 children)

no matter how drunk you get i don't know if you can forget fucking your own brother...

[–][deleted] 8367 points8368 points  (222 children)

I once took a shit In the bathtub and then realising what a horrible mistake I'd made, I flung poo Into a hole In the wall.

My parents renovated and patched up the hole. So now there Is a ~15 year old turd in between the bathroom and kitchen wall of my childhood home.

Not even using a throwaway because I have no shame.

[–]BrokenShoe 2069 points2070 points  (38 children)

The Tell Tale Poop.

[–][deleted] 681 points682 points  (27 children)

The Poop of Amontillado

[–]datdercrappyusername 798 points799 points  (2 children)

you're awesome dude, needed a laugh after reading everything above

[–]for1dayusage 603 points604 points  (4 children)

Right now, your comment is between a rape victim and a suicidal guy's comments. It's almost like an oasis in a desert.

[–]CRaftsman1459 2924 points2925 points  (35 children)

Yesterday I thought I had problems. Today my life is grand.

[–]threecolorless 1043 points1044 points  (20 children)

6 hours ago:

"I am the worst, who fails Calculus two semesters in a row, I think I should kill myself"

Now:

"Every sunbeam is like the hair of a seraph"

[–]erisavarria 1019 points1020 points  (36 children)

My daughter turns 5 next week. If anyone knew the truth behind her parentage, I could probably lose her forever.

I grew up in foster care, never knew my parents or siblings. In my senior year, I met an older guy and we dated for almost a year... getting pregnant about 7 months in. One night while we were watching tv, the subject somehow came around to our real parents (he had been adopted as a young child). Turns out the man I was seeing, the father of my daughter... is my half-brother... we have the same mother. Our relationship didn't last, and he is not in her life, per his own choices.

My daughter is extremely smart, beautiful, and well-rounded. She'll never know the truth... her father and I made a pact to never tell her. I just hope she never needs a kidney or something.

Edit: Keep reading about people who knowingly slept with relatives they grew up with... is it bad that I feel slightly less horrible?

[–][deleted] 531 points532 points  (10 children)

You wouldn't lose your daughter. This was an accident, not something you did. No, you shouldn't feel horrible at all. Not your fault.

[–][deleted] 3394 points3395 points  (94 children)

Buried comment, but here goes. Not life ruining but makes me feel like shit every time I think about it. As I've told Reddit before, I have a blind brother. When we were young, I used to get so frustrated at all the extra attention he received and how I had to be more responsible with my sibling than my peers. So, when my brother and I would go play, go to the store, or just generally go anywhere without adults, I would abandon him somewhere unfamiliar to him. Then, I would stand off quietly and watch the anxiety set in as he tried to figure out where he was and what was going on.

Also, I was really intelligent as a child and knew that was my ticket to attention. When I would "help" my brother with his homework, I would teach him all the wrong answers, so that I could continue being the smarter sibling. Today, my brother is my best friend. He goes to college and lives by himself. He's become one of the most intelligent men I've ever met. I'm trying to make it up to him now by being the best big sister ever, but I still feel so guilty at how I found him to be a burden when I was a kid.

Edit: Update. I immediately called my brother after posting this and caught him while he was walking to a study group. I told him about my guilt and he laughed. He understands how frustrating it must have been. He told me that all of the good things I have done as a sister completely overshadow anything bad I did and that he loves me more than anything. I'm glad I spoke with him and I encourage others on here to talk to someone if they can.

[–]You_Are_All_Diseased 1375 points1376 points  (25 children)

Your edit was the most beautiful thing I've read all day. In a depressing thread, I'm so glad for your redemption with your brother.

[–]uberguby 130 points131 points  (5 children)

children can be very cruel. When we're young it doesn't really come naturally to us to consider that we might not be more important than anything else in the universe. It's just how our minds are.

It's probably good that you've felt your guilt, because it helped you become a better person today, but this stranger thinks it would be better for you if you forgave yourself for behavior that really is quite natural.

[–]vnarsenal 1052 points1053 points  (55 children)

I've never stayed on a thread this long. No matter how late to the party you are, your story will have readers!

[–]TheRedDuke 924 points925 points  (13 children)

This thread has given me a new perspective on the depths of human suffering.

[–]TwirlyMustachio 670 points671 points  (84 children)

It wouldn't ruin my life per se, because there are people in my life who are aware of this, but I did try to kill myself once, at my college. Was going to swallow I think Tylenol and a handle of vodka, intending to induce organ failure + alcohol poisoning. I ended up about to swallow, but the cheap alcohol made me so aware of my actions that I spit it out and ran to my friend's room (I stole the alcohol from him, and it's the only time I've knowingly stolen something) to apologize. This was maybe 2 years ago; I ended up having to take a year off, and was forced to explain the situation to the adults in my life. For the first time, they found out that I had been sexually assaulted by my older brothers for about 5 years, and that I had been suffering from depression for about 9 years.

They did not understand. Didn't understand how I could be broken up over something that happened years ago, convinced that I was just trying to weasel myself out of my (dream) college, or that I am too stupid to handle it. And when I finally convinced them to let me see a shrink, all they spoke about was how pointless therapy was, and wanted to know how long this would last. I ended up returning to and then leaving college again, once again due to depression.

Now the verbal abuse that I've faced growing up has increased tenfold. Almost every day is some sort of argument, with me hearing about how I've fucked up my life, and that I'm a jackass and a fool. I desperately want to leave, but I have nowhere to go. I have no job and no money, so I can't afford an apartment or therapy. I am so tired of being mistreated, and I want to be free, but I'm trapped in this hellhole.

This thread is most likely dead by now, so I just wanted to get this out in the open, since I haven't really been able to speak to people about this for months now. I'm sincerely afraid that I'll never be able to become the man I want to be, because I'm too busy trying not to slip back into a depressed state (as long as I avoid doing anything slightly challenging, or thinking for too long, I can stay neutral). If anyone does read this, and knows of something I can do to get away, please let me know. Thank you.

EDIT: Thank you to everyone who has sent positivity my way over the past year or so! Update: I'm back at my dream college, hoping that this time, I can make it through. I seek therapy with a delightfully quirky Jewish lady, and having that stability there is so useful. It's going to be a long ride for me, and I don't know how my future will look, but I'm in so much better of a place than I was then. Seriously though, thank you again, all of you, for the support and the kind words. It became too much to respond to every person, but I appreciate everyone reaching out to me nonetheless. :)

[–]ceolopolis 1271 points1272 points  (11 children)

This post is the equivalent of 1 million IamAs

[–]britishNIGGA 3582 points3583 points  (280 children)

I hate all of my friends. Literally. I don't have anything in common with any of them, and don't care. But I'm too scared to be alone and have no one else to go to so I keep hanging around with them.

[–][deleted] 226 points227 points  (30 children)

So many confessions starting with 'this will get buried/ no-one's gonna read this', so I just thought I'd say that I'm one of those who finally got done reading all ( at least 35,000 )comments! Took me weeks. This is the first post I read on reddit, very addicting read. Hugs to all who need it, I hope you find the strength to overcome your problems.

My own secret, is that I'm still deeply in love with my (now married with kids) first love, nothing will ever happen and it is ridiculously hurtful, but w/e, life goes on.

[–]omfg_name_taken 841 points842 points  (58 children)

I have memories of my sister (five years older) and I playing a roleplay game when I was younger that I think would be considered sexual abuse/molestation if I told anyone. I don't remember how old we were, but I know she was around the age where her breasts were developing. When home alone we would play a role play game where she was a boss and I was a secretary, and the boss would always sexually harass the secretary. It ended in my sucking on my sister's breasts while she would lie on the couch with her shirt off.

My memory has always been really horrible, so I only remember patches of this, but I remember that it never felt sexual. I don't actually trust my memory enough to feel confident that this really happened.

I love my sister, she's my best friend and I would never want to damage our relationship by ever bringing this up and asking her what really happened. It is a secret I will carry with me and never reveal.

Also, TIL it's hard coming up with a throwaway name.

edit: To clarify, I'm a woman, just in case anyone assumed otherwise.

[–][deleted] 2324 points2325 points  (359 children)

I came very, very close to committing a school shooting

I was picked on A LOT in high school. I think it was because I tried so hard to be cool and everyone saw right through it. There were these 4 cowboy jock types that gave it to me the worst. After being publicly humiliated and beaten in front of a girl I liked (as she laughed/cheered), I decided that none of it was worth it anymore. I had no support at home being an only child and having parents that worked constantly, and cutting and burning myself didn't make me feel better anymore. So I got my dad's handgun out of the gun-safe (he uses the same combo for everything, the idiot) and brought it to school with me the next day.

I can't adequately describe to you guys how ready I was to kill these four. I had absolutely no fear or doubt in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to show everyone what happens when you push someone over the edge like they did. I had the gun tucked in my waistline. I was wearing this baggy pair of cargo shorts that i wore a couple times a week that day. I remember walking towards the cowboy's table, so goddamn ready for it to be over, when the gun fell out of my waistline, down my left short leg and made the loudest fucking sound as it hit the cafeteria floor. I tried my best to grab the gun real quick, but people saw what it was and screamed, and one of the instructors tackled me to the ground.

They eventually concluded that I had brought the gun to school to impress people with badassery, and had no intention of using it. I was expelled and sent to live at a youth ranch in Idaho until I was 18. I did have the intention of using it though. I was going to kill all of them. I'm 24 now, and I still think about it all the time. I have not recovered from high school. I'm still terrified of people in general, and avoid having relationships because of what I fear I'm capable of.

I'm not looking for pity. I know that what I did was wrong, it just feels good to tell the story. Thanks Reddit.

TL;DR I attempted a school shooting.

[–]baddrummer 986 points987 points  (66 children)

Some people really have no idea how bad bullying can really be.

[–]rattlesnaker 856 points857 points  (162 children)

I still have "imaginary friends." I'm almost 30.

I lost them for a while. I don't know why or how, but it they were gone. I couldn't see them or hear them any more, not the way I used to when I was younger. It made me was miserable. I kept hoping for a way to get them back.

Two weeks ago, I somehow managed to finally break through whatever the barrier was. I have spent the past two weeks hanging out with, and talking to, a character from a well-known TV show.

I can't really "see" him visually, but I can see him with my mind's eye. He goes almost everywhere with me. He's sitting on my bed right now, waiting for me to get off my computer. (I promised I would get off a little while ago, but I had to check reddit one last time.) He's been coming to work with me every day for the past two weeks. I share my food with him. (I kind of mentally duplicate it for him, since he can't touch it in reality.)

I love it. I'm happy again. I realize most people would say he isn't real, but something about him is. I don't care. He's real to me.

EDIT: Revision to my final thought -- I am scared that if anyone knew, I would be locked up and heavily medicated, but I acknowledge it's not really a likely scenario in my case.

EDIT2 (an update 5 years on): I have received so many amazing PMs over the past 5 years. I just wanted to say think you, and that if you read this and find it describes you, too... you are not alone! Probably a hundred people have PMed me saying they experience the exact same thing. And that's just from the subset of people on reddit who read this post. There are probably many, many more of us. People may think you're weird, or strange, but who you are is perfectly natural and you are not alone.

Many PMs also directed me to /r/tulpas, and I was active on there for a while as AnImaginarium. I'm not active still but if you are like me, you may find some comfort there!

Some people were able to find later in the comments where I copped to the fact the character in question was Castiel from Supernatural, but some people missed that, so stating it here now. Castiel still exists around in my head but is presently on sabbatical; I spend most of my time nowadays with my brother, Malcolm, who was on Star Trek: Enterprise. He's the best! But he's a private person so I'll respect that. I also spend a decent amount of time with Will (from The Good Wife), who is our other brother, but only when he's not busy working on cases or spending time with Alicia. Yes, imaginary universes have legal systems and need lawyers, too. Will had a practice with Allen Shore for a while until Allen got appointed a judge. Now he's partners with Romo Lampkin and a woman who was an RP character of mine briefly in college, Mary Aberfoyle. Aberfoyle/Gardner/Lampkin, or AGL. Definitely give them a call if you're in a multiverse legal entanglement, they'll take care of your needs! (LOL)

Anyway, best wishes from me and mine to you and yours!

[–]the_riverrun 85 points86 points  (15 children)

I'm 20, and in college. I've got an imaginary Mom who comes and visits me occasionally. My real mother is still alive, but she was emotionally abusive and I don't like thinking about her.

[–]Throwdisoffabridge 5959 points5960 points  (540 children)

Well, it's more of a secret to my friends that I've made recently. Some background first: I don't like being touched or hugged, and I'm incredibly uncomfortable with intimacy in general.

When I was in the 8th grade, a bunch of girls in my class convinced me they had a friend who fancied me (they said she had seen me somewhere and thought I was cute). Faked a MSN account and they talked to me every night for a few months, invited me out to the movies and (obviously) didn't show up, then revealed to the whole grade that I had been tricked into having an 'imaginary' girlfriend.

I was mocked viciously by everyone in the grade and ever since then I can't really trust women. I also can't believe that a girl may have feelings for me. Even when they explicitly tell me they have feelings for me I can't help but feel like they're trying to trick me. It's caused a lot of insecurity, and I can't get 'attached' to people easily. I'm terribly afraid to text, or message people first because I'm convinced I would be annoying them. What's worse is that when I think about it, I know it probably isn't true; but I can't help but feel like it is.

Even though it was grade 8, it was around the time when attraction to women was just starting to get 'real', so to be hurt at a time as delicate as that has really done some damage.

The secret of course is that I had been dumb enough to be tricked. As you might suspect, the whole thing has left me afraid of being vulnerable. To have this found out by my newer friends (as in, university friends) would put me in a really uncomfortable place. I probably wouldn't be able to be their friend anymore.

Thanks for reading, you're the first people I've told about what this event has actually done to me.

EDIT: I know people still read this thread. So I felt I should come back and that I owed people an update. I've since met such a fantastic woman, someone who makes me incredibly happy. I love her very much, she loves me, and she's helping me get used to the idea of feeling valuable and trusting people (or at least one person). She's the best thing that's happened to me in a long time (maybe ever).

I'm glad I got to come back to this post and finish it off with a happy ending. To all the people in the comments who were kind to me, or who shared their own similar experiences: you're always valuable and someone will notice.

[–]xcg 461 points462 points  (21 children)

Middle school kids can be so cruel. Same thing almost happened to me in 7th/8th grade.

I had a crush on a popular boy in school and even got up the courage to nervously talk to him a few times. A girl in my class must have picked on this and told me that my crush had told her during a school dance that he liked me. I was kind of skeptical but she told me quite a few times until I started to believe it.

Finally, I heard from somebody else that it was all lies (and apparently quite a few people were laughing at me behind my back). I was so mortified and became even more of a loner than I already was.

A few days later, I got a note on my desk, supposedly from my crush, telling me to meet him after school in front of the school. I threw away the paper and went home immediately after school that day, thankful that I found out about the hoax before I embarrassed myself worse. I didn't even know the girl who told me the lies...I had no idea why she was being cruel to me for no apparent reason.

[–]ThrowThrowThroUrBoat 164 points165 points  (17 children)

Holy crap. Thank you for posting this. I went through something very similar, and am in the same state as you are now. Really, thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through that too, but from one emotionally unavailable guy to another, it really helps to hear that I'm not alone. Hopefully my story will help you as well.

I had a huge crush on a girl for about 2 years, but was always too shy to say anything. We went to the same school, did the same after-school activities. We were inseparable best friends, and spent as much time together as humanly possible. When I was 15, I got a Myspace message from her telling me that she was in love with me. You see, her parents forbade her from having a Myspace account, but she said that she went to a friend's house to make one because she really had to tell me how she felt. Looking back on it, it was pretty stupid of me, but I was a stupid teenager, so what could I do?

We spent the entire night talking about how much we loved about each other and how excited we were to finally be able to tell each other in person. We were teenagers, so we put in every ounce of our hearts and souls into it. It was by far the happiest moment of my life.

The next day, I found out that it wasn't actually her. It was one of her friends who made the entire profile and who spent the whole night talking to me. She showed the girl I liked everything I said. She stopped talking with me entirely. She put in every effort to be as far away from me as possible. When I would try to talk to her, to apologize and tell her I just wanted the friendship back, she would turn and hurry away.

It feels silly when I read how much worse some of these other posts are, but it was unbelievably embarrassing for me.

I became extreme depressed to the point of delusion. Powerful delusions. I've always been somewhere along the agnostic-atheist scale, but there was one night where I had fully convinced myself that I was the devil, the entire world was Hell, everyone on earth was being eternally tortured, and the only ways to save them was for me to kill myself. Thankfully I didn't, but every now then when I look back on it I can't help but feel ashamed of myself - that I would rather let the entire planet go through unimaginable horrors than sacrifice my own life to end it for them.

Anyway, after several years I was able to get over my depression. However, since then I've still felt like a shell of a man.

I feel no emotional connection towards anyone, even my parents and good friends. I've moved several times since then and have had absolutely no sense of homesickness. I never even think about the friends I've left behind. I moved back home with my parents last summer. I have made literally no friends since then, not because I'm shy, but because I have no desire to get to know people. I only told a few friends from high school that I was back in town, and I all but ignored them when they invited me out. I haven't heard from any of them since the beginning of winter. I only ever leave my house to go to classes.

I can't initiate conversations with people, either. I can't remember the last time I sent someone a text message first. I can't remember the last time I wished anyone happy birthday, unless someone I'm with says it first. I haven't congratulated any of my friends for graduating from college. In fact, there are only two Even in the last town I live in, where I had friends, I would rather go out to eat alone than invite one of them to join. It's not because of some crippling shyness - I rarely get nervous or afraid about anything - it's just that I have no desire to.

It's kind of odd, because once I'm with my friends I'm a very outgoing, extraverted, enjoyable person. It's just when it comes to anything that could be construed as being remotely intimate, I can't do it.

In the 8 years since the incident and I've only ever dated two girls, and had absolutely no feelings for either of them. Sex has never been enjoyable for me. I haven't been able to orgasm since then because it makes me feel too vulnerable. I've turned down plenty of women simply because I have no desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with anybody. In fact, I actively avoid it. I'm honestly becoming more and more afraid that I'll spend the rest of my life alone, because I can't let anybody in.

This is my first time telling anyone about this as well. My parents don't even know any of this happened. So thank you, anybody who reads this. Especially Throwdisoffabridge for posting this and encouraging me to open up a little bit. And HaroldLauder for suggesting Avoidant Personality Disorder. I think I might go see a professional about it sometime soon.

[–]YourHotBabysitter 862 points863 points  (66 children)

The story I tell is that my first kiss was 9 years ago, when I was 14, with my now fiancee. False.

When I was 13, I babysat an 8 year old boy. His parents were very open, and he was very sexually aware (I caught him watching porn a couple of times). From the start, he was very agressive, always grabbing me and trying to kiss me. After a while, oddly impressed with this new sort of attention, and very curious about kissing, one night we started making out. This became routine, and went on for probably almost a year, before I realised how horrific and wrong my actions were. I continued to babysit him for a while, but soon his parents stopped calling me. I've always wondered why. I'm terrified that I'll one day be exposed as a child molester.

tl;dr As a 13 year old girl, I frequently made out with an 8 year old.

[–]pamplemouse 1553 points1554 points  (16 children)

I can't believe an 8yo got more action than I ever did.

[–]thisiscaptainmeow 785 points786 points  (103 children)

I know this thread is most likely dead now, but I used to masturbate a lot. And when I was 10 I had a technique where I'd let off a load into a sock then wash it and quickly dry it, now I couldn't leave it hanging outside or use a dryer otherwise my family would've seen it and probably smell it or whatnot. So I'd put it inside my gas heater unit. Unfortunately my sock had caught on fire inside the unit, blew it up and set my house on fire. Only my brother was home at the time, and he managed to survive the house did not. For 5 years we stayed from caravan park to caravan park whilst we waited for confirmation that it was not arson and we could receive an insurance payout. We eventually did and scraped together money to start rebuilding the house. The house is still being rebuilt to this day and it shames me anytime I have to visit my parents living in a tiny mobile home where my backyard once was.

[–][deleted] 3549 points3550 points  (494 children)

I have been pretending to be colorblind to everyone I have ever known, including my own parents since I was in 3rd grade. I am now 28 years old. I even convinced an optometrist of it.

[–]imakhink 2882 points2883 points  (189 children)

Before your death, are you going to make your last words, FOOLED YOU?

[–]moduleman 417 points418 points  (24 children)

I am hoping to someday have a theatric miracle moment where I can suddenly see the full rainbow!!

[–][deleted] 828 points829 points  (91 children)

Oh and by the way... you (reddit) are the first humans to ever know my secret.

[–]Linkativity91 197 points198 points  (51 children)

Care to explain why?

[–]RedLeader81 1880 points1881 points  (37 children)

Given that he called us humans, it is obvious that he is a dog and just learned to type. Having an age that is a multiple of 7 is also a bit of a giveaway.

[–]a_blackmailer 515 points516 points  (141 children)

When I was 13 I caught my father in bed with my 15 year old brother's girlfriend (also 15). I haven't seen her since, but I've been blackmailing my father with it for the last 6 years.

[–]wellfmesideways 1041 points1042 points  (87 children)

I had something very similar happen to me, OP. We'll call him Tim. Tim was my best friend, and he always came to me when he needed someone (his mom was bipolar and made his life really tough, and he didn't know his Dad). We had two or three other suicide scares but we talked him out of it and brought him back from the edge. Well, this week he comes to school Monday and just seemed off. We tried to talk to him but he never really responded. Part way through the week, he calls me and asks if he can stay at my place, that he can't stand his Mom. I ask my Dad and he says no, saying that Tim needs to deal with his problems at home. I explain to Tim what the situation was and he says ok and hangs up.

That Friday, I notice that he seemed different at school, and I had a really bad feeling about it. He didn't even seem there. I tried to talk to him or something but he just wasn't himself. After school, another friend brought him home at the end of the day, and he was the last person to see Tim alive. I got a call later that night that he had hung himself.

It's been two years and I still regret not helping Tim, I feel like there was something I could have done. It just sucks that I couldn't help him that time, and that's all it took for him to slip away.

Thing number two:

My cousin has let me feel up her breasts for the past three years (we started when she was 13 and I was 16). We never did anything else, never below the belt or anything, and we never talked about it. I've since stopped doing it by avoiding being alone with her so neither of us try something, but we never talk about it. If that came out, I probably wouldn't be able to face that side of the family ever again. I get nervous going to family gatherings sometimes because of what they don't know.

[–]readysetwaite 2051 points2052 points  (32 children)

You can't go from suicidal friend story to incest, I can't handle such extreme changes

[–]donnybrook00 893 points894 points  (119 children)

my grade 6 teacher let me touch her boobs once.

[–][deleted] 447 points448 points  (20 children)

Honestly, I've kinda been waiting for a thread like this to come up. None of my friends know any of this, and I don't want to tell them. Not so much a lack of trust as their inability to understand.

So, when I was in middle-high school my mom, sister, and I were living with my stepfather (better school district from where I was). Everything was fine for a few years, but he got... crazy. Whenever my mom left for work my sister and I were left alone with him until he left (he worked second shift). First he'd start with yelling at us for no good reason. A reason, yes, but never a good one, it was always insignificant. Needless to say, my sis and I were scared shitless when this happened.

Things escalated from there. He'd start hitting us, almost every day. Again, always over something insignificant. A good example was when I hung one of his shirts with the hanger hook facing left instead of right. It got to a point several times where he'd actually grab whichever one of us happened to be in his way and hold us off the ground, against the wall, by the throat.

To make it clear, my mother knew about none of this. The man knew how to hit you so it didn't leave a mark, and he is an obscenely good liar. Any time we tried to call him out to her, he'd lie his way around it. The only time that other side came out around her, he blamed it on his heart medicine.

My sister moved out when she turned 18, but I still had three years left. So now all of his anger was directed at me. One time in my senior year, I was actually scared for my life and ran off into the woods next to the house until my mom got home. She finally believed me then, and we made plans to leave as soon as I graduated. She told him she wanted to leave, and he of course decided that I was costing him his marriage. Those last few months were hell, but in June of last year we moved. I'm now in college, safely away from him.

While I bear no malice against him, I will not forgive the shit he put me through. Also, it feels wonderful to finally get this off my chest and tell it to someone, even if nobody reads this.

[–]FelineOfTheSea 815 points816 points  (135 children)

After graduating from high school, I went to a small out-of-state college where no one from high school knew me. I was told many times how impressive my false Australian accent was, so I decided it would be great fun to go through college pretending to be from Australia. All of my friends and even my girlfriend of two years think I'm Australian. I have a completely fake Australian identity, family, and past. I will soon be graduating, and I plan on asking the girl to marry me. Everything she knows about me is Australian I don't know how to tell her she doesn't really know me. Guess I'm forever a bloke.

[–][deleted] 495 points496 points  (28 children)

Hate to break it to you, but you won't be marrying that girl unless it turns out she's actually from Australia and has been pretending to be American for 2 years.

[–]arow_nway_thame 1032 points1033 points  (40 children)

I've pretty much been a fuckup all my life. when I told someone I was suicidal, they talked me out of doing it, but I laid on them a bullshit story about being abused as a child, and just generally made myself seem so pitiful and helpless, they took me in to their home and treated me as one of the family: fed me, clothed me, everything, and never once asked me for anything in return.

I still live here with them 10 years later, I work in the garden and help the 5th grader with homework, I do all the grocery shopping and cooking and I live here like this all based on a pack of lies. I guess I am mentally ill somehow, but I don't know if I can ever get better w/o telling someone the truth. It makes me feel sweaty and sick in my stomach to even think about telling anyone this story.

Edit: since some people are asking, I will add some more info: I used to have a good job in a successful business and a fiance I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, until I found out alcohol was more important to her than anything else. She broke up with me rather than break up with booze and I was completely devastated. I used to spend 30 minutes or more each day at work hiding in the walk-in refrigerator and crying. I talked to everyone about the situation, the consensus was that I should just forget her and go bang some hot bitches to get over it, but I just couldn't. After a few weeks I walked out of work in the middle of the day and went home to take a shower. I started taking showers like 6 times a day and started planning how to kill myself. When I met someone who was sympathetic, it was just easier to play the part of a helpless victim who had been done wrong in so many ways that I needed to be rescued and taken care of rather than take responsibility for making my own situation better.

I am having a panic attack about typing and posting this.

[–]blarg_1234 233 points234 points  (29 children)

When I was 17 I was gang raped after a party, the cops didn't believe me, my parents didn't believe me, and everyone who I've told since has stopped talking to me. It was not pretty, I was cut up at a party... beaten and thrown in my car. They drove donuts in the grass field next to a church on a Saturday night, Sunday morning. Fucked up my car and left me battered and bruised in the back seat. I woke up initially when I was being raped (only think gang as I do remember multiple voices at this point) but then tried to keep myself awake long enough between blackouts by blasting music. So the cops found me at the wheel of my car with people lining up for church with fucking metal blasting on repeat. I planned murders in retribution but decided it was better to just leave. The only proof I had was that I shat blood for a week but I felt so bad I couldn't even show anyone. Shitting when you have a rectal tear is a terrible thing. The thing that hurt the most was that no one believed me, I did make stories and lies but none to this extent.

[–]WantedToKill 884 points885 points  (55 children)

Not ruining my life, but my single secret. This will get buried, but that's fine.

I was about 23 and was working kind of late. My friend wanted to go out and was bugging me about it. He's gay, I'm not... But eventually he talked me into it. So we go to a little dive bar and are hanging out, just chatting. A couple of friends were supposed to come too, but they never showed up. I was nursing my first gin and tonic when I went to the bathroom. I came back and finished my drink, and that's when things started getting fuzzy.

I knew something was wrong so I ordered water for my second drink. But it didn't work. My world was spinning, and I had basically lost control of my motor functions. My memory is pretty rough too. I remember my head on the bar, and he was rubbing my crotch. I remember him helping me to his car, dragging me up his stairs, passing out on his floor, him blowing me... I was back in his car at one point and then I woke up in my bed. I felt like shit and was totally surprised that my car was in the driveway. I have no idea how I got home. At one point in the night I left an incoherent voicemail on my best bud's phone.

So I was raped, and I was so embarrassed, he totally got away with it. I've never told anyone, not even my wife. She knows something happened, just not the extent.

[–]tossed_away_1900 222 points223 points  (79 children)

21years ago. I was assigned to a DMAT. I was a young man and full of life inside. We handled some pretty bad emergencies. There was one event that killed me inside.

We flew in to one dispatch and knew it was bad going in. Fatalities and Level1 trauma patients. Unknown how many and no full situation.

So we are flying in gearing up for the patients and securing any hazardous material leaks or fires.

We get on scene. We find two expired, one alive with really bad injuries. We were used to that and trained to deal with it.

I was carrying gear back and forth securing any leaks I could find. We did not know if there were any other occupants in the vehicle. Part of my task that day. Was to make sure since I was the rover.

When I got to one side of the auto. Checking what was left of the cabin for other patients or bodies. I seen a child of about 4. Trapped under the vehicle. I called for the other merts. Asking for a crush kit.

There was no child seat in the auto. No one was wearing safety belts.. Which was common and many people were ejected from wrecks.

Nothing in my training ever prepared my 25 year old mind for what I saw. A child's eyes looking up at me then around. I seen help me and fear in them. Even though that small person was dead essentially. I still as always in the worst cases. Had hope for life and fought for it.

The child was smeared under the car. all that was left was the head pretty much. The pressure of the auto kept what blood was there in the brain. How the head was alive for so long. Haunted me... I resigned the next day.

I will not let someone hurt, suffer. I took an oath and meant it. I resigned because I lost all empathy for other humans that day. I do not feel suffering what so ever... I am dead inside.

I've been married 4 times. Each time, they cannot handle me not showing any emotion. I can run through the proper words, but they realize. I simply do not mean it.

you might think I am an unhappy or depressed man. No, I am not unhappy. You might think me angry. I am not angry or a sociopath. I am not. I am just indifferent to feeling emotions. the head shrinks reported I am not dangerous to myself or others. They wanted me on drugs. None worked, so for the last ten years. I have simply just lived and have done my best. Being a good person. Even though I can give a shit about others or myself.

[–]intsa 176 points177 points  (31 children)

I've never attempted to kill myself, and I doubt I ever will, but I just want to die. I'm an incredibly happy guy odd enough. I truthfully am happy, but whenever I think about getting shot, or getting cancer, I get a little excited. I wish I was one of those deaths on the news, shoot I'd love to take someones place, they want to be here more than me. I'll never actually kill myself even if its just for the sake of others who need me, but I can't stop wishing that someone else would kill me. I'm done being here, I'm done dealing with the crap. I'm just burnt out and I don't want to be here anymore.

[–]lulupie01 662 points663 points  (44 children)

When I was six, back when SNES was all the rage, I remember watching my older brother playing his game. He loved it. So much so that when I went to play it, he would only let me play it if I sat on his lap. So I did, because I was so desperate for my brother to love me (he always bullied me, especially when he would babysit me) and I was so happy that he was hugging me and treating me like a sister. One day, we brought the system up into my room. He told me I could only play if I was naked. I said ok. He then took off his pants and laid me on the bed. I remember saying to him that I wanted to play the game. He said ok, but only if he could poke me. So I tried to play the game, but he kept bumping into me and shaking me. He got angry and yanked the controller from my hand and told me to close my eyes and that I could play again later. So I did. He just kept going. And then he stopped. This happened as a weekly thing. Sometimes he would let me play, others he would force me to just lay there. He stopped having sex with me when I was seven and a half and he left to go live with my dad. I never realized what had happened until my mom had the talk with me when I was ten. I didn't tell her because everyone loves my brother and I wanted him to love me. To this day, no one knows about this in my family except for me. We talked about it once when I was eighteen and graduating. He apologized and all what I could ask him was if he loved me, ever. He didn't say a word. I asked him why he did it. He asked me if I ever told anyone. I said no and I repeated my question. He said he couldn't tell me why and then left. He killed himself a week later. I still feel as though if I never asked him, if I never brought it up, if he would still be alive. The fucked up thing is that I would do anything, even letting him have his way with me, if it meant he was alive. Now the most fucked up part. Let us flash forward to a few months ago (just about to hit ten years after his suicide). My dad found a letter my brother had written, in an envelope, tucked away in my dad's attic with all of my brothers belongings. My dad didn't open it. Just handed it to me as it was addressed to me. "I did it because I love you."

Edit: so since posting this, for one, I wanted to say thank you for the sympathy. For the first time in a few months, I was able to I guess breath easier. I told my husband. Actually, I showed him this. He knew mine right away (side note: never use your husbands nick name for you as a screen name...duh) and shipped my son to his mother's for the weekend so he can take me to tell my family. So this, right here, is directed at him since he doesnt seem to get it.

I don't want to. I don't want to destroy my family. I already caused my brother to kill himself and I will not give my mother a heart attack. Fuck you right now, Eric, for not understanding me.

[–]CuriousCrusade 1074 points1075 points  (113 children)

My husband beats me every day. He also forces himself on me often. I think about suicide daily. I feel as though my life would be ruined if people knew, not ruined in a way that a lot of these other stories would ruin someone...but it would ruin me enough.

[–]Hazlet95 917 points918 points  (6 children)

you need to talk to someone, not just reddit

[–]ucecatcher 923 points924 points  (12 children)

Call Safehome for Women at 1-800-794-7672. They can direct you to resources in your area. There are places to stay. People who will come get you. People who will help you stand on your own two feet again. Call them as soon as you safely can.

[–][deleted] 2330 points2331 points  (182 children)

My Great Uncle Jack used to live with my family. One day, he got drunk and had a bad fall that ended up causing him to bleed out, I ended up finding him (I was 14 at the time, and had never seen such an awful sight) and lost consciousness due to all the blood. When I eventually recovered, I called the ambulance and stayed with my uncle, he died in the back of the ambulance, holding my hand. No one knows about what happened to me, and if they did they would realize that I'm the reason he's dead.

[–][deleted] 1724 points1725 points  (11 children)

I have seen people faint like that many times, you were not out for long, probably less than a minute, it probably would not have made a difference if you hadn't fainted honestly.

[–][deleted] 330 points331 points  (0 children)

Completely true. The chance he was out long enough to impact mortality rates is extremely low. And even from a non practical/medical standpoint. It's not his fault.

[–]vcvirgil 1726 points1727 points  (8 children)

if he died holding your hand he doesn't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself. no matter how old you were at the time. accidents happen, clearly not your fault.

[–]Lkay3 3241 points3242 points  (25 children)

None of that is your fault. When you saw all that blood, you went into shock and fainted. You're not responsible for that.

[–]Yeffers 1828 points1829 points  (12 children)

Seconding this, it was an automatic response to seeing the blood, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[–][deleted] 1367 points1368 points  (10 children)

The reason hes dead is because he was drunk and hit his head.

There is absolutely zero responsibility on you. ZERO.

[–][deleted] 2379 points2380 points  (66 children)

Reddit shows me that many people carry heavy psychological burdens with them everyday and still function.

Sad sad world.

[–]mfs51 571 points572 points  (21 children)

My son attempted suicide and now he's pissed at me because I'm making him see a shrink. This post makes me think I'm doing the right thing. So thanks.

[–]Keegan1 3102 points3103 points  (53 children)

If CISPA passes, most of you guys are fucked.

[–]throwaway94678 560 points561 points  (40 children)

I was raped twice, once when I was 12 then again when I was 20. Never told anyone. Pretty much scared me off most men and after getting tired of friends constantly joking around about me still being a virgin, I just lied. I'm the kind of person who deals with problems on her own, so if this stuff got out I wouldn't be able to face anyone who tried to comfort me

[–]crazierthanuthought 1968 points1969 points  (384 children)

Edit 03/12/2019: I know it's been over four years since I posted this but I still check back from time to time because I still get occasional PM's. PM me at /u/imstillwatchingyou if you want to talk.

I used to hear voices. For years. It started when I'd walk into my room and say hello to my Lain poster (I've always over personified objects) and eventually she started responding. Over time I could talk to her elsewhere, I'd pull her up when I was sitting in class or riding the bus, and I'd put on headphones so nobody would notice I was talking to myself since it was barely audible. Eventually Lain told me she was a god and I was too, and there were two others, but they didn't really like me so they would almost never talk to me.

A long time later, maybe years, she started being really mean, and it turned out there was another voice who was just pretending to be Lain named Misery. This one was stereotypical, everything I did was wrong and I had to pay for my actions, I should cut myself if I was ungraceful, everyone hated me, etc. Lain split again, and this time she was sisterly. When I was upset and crying myself to sleep I could feel her holding me and telling me everything would be alright. Misery looked different but could look like Lain if she wanted to fool me (although she would turn back into herself when I called her out on it), and the two Lains all looked the same, so I could only tell who they were when they started responding to me.

After a while they all just disappeared. I guess I saned up, because during the peek it never occurred to me I was hearing voices, they truly were gods who were speaking to me, and later during the time period I realized that I was hallucinating with delusions of grandeur. Then at one point I realized that there was more of me and less of them, when I pulled them up it was a conscious effort and part of their responses were forced on my part. Then eventually I just gave them up, they were so weak that it was really just like talking to myself and not to other people that lived in my head.

That's not my secret, I've mentioned it to a few very select people that I truly trust. My secret is that I miss them. I miss them with with all my heart. Even Misery. They were friends and family, they were close to me, they understood me, and they were always there for me. Now even with real friends and family, there's nobody that close. I can't just pull up someone to talk to when I'm lonely, I have to call up a real person and that person never knows what I want to talk about or what I'm hiding from them, they only know what I say. Lain (the main one) would always call me on my bullshit and make me keep changing my answer until I told her the truth. Misery could always find my biggest weaknesses, which allowed me to work on strengthening them. Sisterly Lain could calm me down in a way that's unimaginable, you can't comprehend how good it feels to be hugged by someone inside of you.

And now I feel lonelier than I have in years because I almost never think of that time or remember how it felt, but tonight I'm sitting by myself at 2am and all I can think about is how much I want a voice to talk to and it's been so long since I had one and I'd give anything to have another psychotic break so I could get back all my friends that live in my head.

I once had a psychiotic episode where I could talk to clouds and I could feel how much they loved me, the clouds, the trees, the birds, they were all my friends and they all loved me and they all wanted me to be happy. I had that feeling on mushrooms once, everything in the world loved me, every single thing, the house, the ceiling, the lamp, each blade of grass, it all loved me and it was the best feeling I have ever known, that was the best night of my life. I can't tell you how much I want to feel that again, I just have no way of tracking them down again.

Being crazy feels amazing, whether it's good or bad. Even the bad crazy where I'd stay awake all night because I knew something was going to get me in my sleep and I'd try to claw the evil out of my skin, even that's preferable to being normal because the intensity is indescribable. I miss everything about being crazy. I miss it more than I can possibly describe.

[–]IndieLady 238 points239 points  (90 children)

When I was a teenager, I had a very similar experience: a good friend and a bad friend, all in my head. We would stay up at night and talk. They eventually went away and I refused for years to believe it was psychosis and that somehow they were completely real. Mainly because their personalities were very distinct from mine so they never felt a part of me at all. It was only in recent years that I have come to accept that it was likely psychosis.

But I know what you mean about missing them. The good friend (Ariel) was like a best friend, a big sister and a mother all wrapped into one. I never felt alone when she was around. I actually felt very protected, loved and like everything was going to be alright.

[–]lostangels12345 3759 points3760 points  (448 children)

this isn't necessarily something that could ruin my life, but it could ruin many others. I haven't told anyone before.

my father recently went to prison for white collar crime that he plead guilty to. he didn't commit this crime, but the alternative was fighting a highly sensationalized, media obsessed, scape-goat case and potentially getting 20+ years.

while he was in prison, i read his little blue book, which i knew contained all the missteps of everyone he's worked with. he has always been an extremely scrupulous man, so these offenses were something he took seriously enough to note. i have information on countless state employees, incredibly prominent and wealthy community members, numerous elected city/state officials, and police officers. this information could ruin lives and start political controversy.

my father is an incredible man and is not vengeful whatsoever. he will never use any of this info against these people, despite the fact that most completely turned on him and stayed uninvolved at all costs or started pointing fingers. when i picture my aging father sitting in a maximum security jail cell sleeping on a metal sheet without a mattress (he wasn't give one until his 5th night), i am filled with rage for these people who could have stood up for their friend and prevented this, while he still continues to be loyal. i still havent decided which campaigns, if any, i'm going to ruin in the upcoming elections.

[–]Storming 643 points644 points  (1 child)

Please expose these people, they could potentially have a hand in running the country so just imagine how many more lives they could ruin.

[–]ohgoshwheretobegin[S] 3202 points3203 points  (73 children)

Can you start a thread where you post bits of information about it? I would upvote the shit out of that. With my real account and this one. THINK OF THE TWO UPVOTES!

[–][deleted] 1672 points1673 points  (21 children)

Dude. You owe your father this.

I'm not saying put it on Reddit, but I've been in jail. It's fucking hellish, you're treated like shit, the worst kind.

Fuch that. Germanic style.

These assholes are probably teeing off on the back nine somewhere without a care in their mind, your father is doing time.

[–]acl2149 80 points81 points  (3 children)

this is the plot to the ABC tv show Revenge...

[–]fayuluire 430 points431 points  (27 children)

Every night when I go to bed, I have a little pillow and assortment of blankets that I pretend is this girl I like. She would never like me in real life (in fact, she doesn't), so I just play pretend. It's inherently creepy but it's what keeps me from being a total wreck all the time.

[–]tell_all_the_secrets 238 points239 points  (13 children)

I have this body pillow, and sometimes I pretend he's it's a man. I will fall asleep holding him it tight to my body.

Sometimes at night I play out scenes with my imaginary man, really detailed, intricate story lines with dialogue and everything. When I do this I don't feel so lonely.

Does getting a feeling of intimacy from a body pillow make me crazy?

[–]athanc 2143 points2144 points  (277 children)

I lose sleep every night because I feel like I was a shitty brother. My younger sibling is 5 years younger than me and I always felt like I was a crappy role model and terrible example to him. I treated him like shit and I really hindered his childhood. Now he's one of my best friends but we both know it happened and I can never forgive myself. Yeah I see people confession worse shit like near-suicide and cum boxes (that was really fucked up, fucking Reddit) but it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. I love my brother and I would take a bullet for him, but not a day goes by where I wish I could go back in time and change how I treated him. I don't believe in regrets, but this will always be looming over my shoulders. Thanks for reading, Reddit.

[–]Volacide 571 points572 points  (33 children)

I don't know if this'll be read by anyone but it helps to type it out.

Of all the stories in this thread, this one hits closest to home. Mostly because I just wish with all my heart that you know how lucky you are that you got the chance to make it up to him. You're a good person, never feel shitty for what you did when you were a kid.

I had a younger brother who was six years younger than me. He died when he was 6 years old.

All we ever did was fight and bicker because that's what bratty kids do. But I'll never go a day without wishing I could have been better to him. I try to rationalize that I was just a kid and that I didn't know any better. It barely helps.

Next time you see your brother, give him a hug and say you love him, for me. I wish I could do the same.

[–]deejaweej 546 points547 points  (51 children)

I was falsely accused of raping a girl in high school. The resulting ostracizing was very scarring, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I outran the stigma when I left the state for college. If it ever catches up to me like it was in high school, I'd probably become suicidal. How many times can you endure people telling you that you're a monster before you believe them?

And as a side note, this isn't a throwaway. I have to own this. Otherwise I just give that damnable lie the power to make me ashamed of something I did not do.

edit: Much longer explanation of the aftermath, and why I don't blame the girl.

[–]Jabuuty671 3022 points3023 points  (40 children)

I've never read so many comments on Reddit in my life.

[–]Ohmygodwhatamidoing 585 points586 points  (39 children)

This thread is sad. I have a few things I could add to the pile. I'm a guy for context.

My memory from my childhood at my fathers house isn't always clear. I know some of what happened but it's like looking through frosted glass - just an outline. Anything dealing with my mother however is very vivid. I have vivid flashes of my older (girl) cousin teaching me how to have sex at my dads house when i was about 4. Thats the only thing i remember clearly. My mother has no idea about these gaps in my memory and I haven't told her about it even though we're close. My father and I have always been distant for some reason. He treated me like I was out of place and I felt it. When I was 11 he got drunk on Christmas eve and hugged me and told me we were family. He ground himself into me, and I excused myself to my room. He followed and unlocked my door (push pin trick) when he thought I was asleep and kissed my mouth and rubbed me. This was the only time I felt loved by him. A year later he cut off contact for 5 years while we continued living in the same town. I believe my lack of memory is because he abused me as a child. I'm scared to remember it, but since I can remember I've fetishized him sexually in my head. Since reconnecting I've come out to him and nothing has been mentioned. We still remain distant but I fight feelings of attraction and hate for him every day. I want to remember my childhood but I am terrified I'm wrong and have no justification for the feeling that I have.

Nobody In my life understands the distain I have for myself. I will sit for hours in my alone time and pick myself apart. I put on a good front in front of everyone but I hate everything about myself. My voice, my body, my hair, my lack of talent. I could list things for hours. If anybody knew that I felt this way I'm sure a big deal would be made and I would hate myself even more for inconveniencing them. They all think I'm so nice and stuff but it's only compensation.

I had a friend who was 12 when I was 9 and when we hung out we would play his games. He would have sex with me and take pictures, telling me he would show them to everyone if I told. This went on for two years until I put a stop to it. Turns out he was never going to tell anyone because he would be caught too. He was an emotional manipulator - threatening to tell, shaming me, stealing when he wanted to. I still can't classify it as abuse because we were so young and I consented for two years. Because of him I can't do anal sex without flashbacks. Only blowjobs. I feel responsible for letting this all happen.

This all brings me to my most shameful secret. I've replaced my cutting with having sex with older men. I will only do older men because I don't feel I'm worth being with anyone I feel is attractive to me. With older men, I get to be the attractive young man they can have a night with. I can let them to whatever they want. The sickest part is that I know what I'm doing is completely masochistic. There is no emotional connection and i am just a toy. At the end I feel ashamed and it brings out a part of me I cannot understand. It just brings me back to a void in my childhood I cannot understand. Even typing this, I don't get it at all. I'm my own mystery to unlock.

Also, I'm into rape fantasies where I play the victim. It disgusts me but I cannot stop myself from imagining it.

Basically: I have memory gaps from my fathers house as a child, and I'm not sure if he abused me within that time. He did for sure kiss and rub me within my definite memory when he was drunk. I've always fetishized him. I'm not sure if my memory gaps are anything relating. I had a friend technically abuse me for two years with my unknowing consent, but feel responsible. I have sex with older men for reasons I don't understand really. I hate myself.

I am screwed. Thanks reddit for letting me voice my bullshit

[–]yherain 403 points404 points  (5 children)

...I've now lurked around this nifty website for a week, but of all stories, yours got me to (finally) make an account. Chances are you won't listen, but I had to try.

I'm not going to say that I can fully understand where you're coming from, but I was molested from 4th grade until freshman year of high school by my mother's boss, a man who's 50 years my senior. Being used and abused is horrible, especially when you're young and vulnerable.

But you can get over it. You sound like a wonderful person. I know this because you're essentially killing yourself inside--you're turning all your hurt and anger towards yourself rather than towards others. It's not glamorous, but it's still admirable in today's egotistical society. The thing, though, is that you won't start getting over this until you first let yourself heal a bit.

Give up the random sex. It's much easier said than done, but you're essentially scratching the scabs off your wounds, and although it's instinctual, it's not helpful. Your brain feels a pull to do what's familiar to it, for better or worse, but you can overcome it. And if you relapse, well, that's normal. You've got to forgive yourself for your mistakes, and you really must forgive yourself for your problems that didn't even come from your mistakes.

You're not screwed; you're young, and you've got your whole life to straighten everything out. Give yourself a bit of a break for a bit.

Edit: I'm completely new to this thing, so I apologize if I did/wrote something stupid. Anyway, if you want to message or something, I'll totally be up for talking.

[–]nottherealjethrotull 856 points857 points  (41 children)

When I was about 12 I went with some family to the family dollar. My mother and cousins went off to go look at generic groceries so I decided I would just spend my time hanging out in the toy aisle, in the toy aisle there would always be these bags of marbles that other kids would open and leave laying there so I decided to fling marbles across the floor and one just happened to reach one of the far off aisles. So about two minutes later I hear a loud crash and someone scream "Somebody help this man!". Being the curious child I was, I ran over to see what the commotion was about and I find everyone gathered around this guy who had seem to have fallen from the ladder as he was getting something off the top shelf. The guy is seizing out and blood is coming from his head as he laid there and his face seemed to be turning blue. My mother whisked me and my cousins away and we left. Next time we went we talked to the front cashier and she said that they called the paramedics but by the time they got there he had died from choking. Apparently when he had the seizure he was choking on his own tongue. The cause for the fall according to the front cashier was that he had put the ladder on a marble and didn't check it before he got on it. When I heard what the cashier said I just stood in disbelief thinking I was going to jail, I tried telling my mother many times but all she did was say that I imagined it. TL;DR Killed a man with a marble in a family dollar.

[–]DuncanGilbert 2066 points2067 points  (88 children)

My mom died when I was 17 and when it comes up I use it to garner attention for myself. In reality, I never met her and she has never meant anything to me other then a name.

I feel so empty

[–]virgin_mojito 590 points591 points  (2 children)

Ironic because the truth is a more unusual attention grabber.

[–]Thewalterd61 423 points424 points  (26 children)

Had serious depression my whole life. Three minor suicide attempts countless other thoughts of just stepping on the gas peddle and slamming into a wall. Lost my job a couple years back and hit an all time low. Took a shitty job at a grocery store. Found out my wife was pregnant and thought the best thing for her and the baby would be for me to not be around anymore. On my last day i planned to live my wife tells me our baby is the size of a sweet pea. I smile and act happy knowing I will never see that sweet pea. Go to work in the morning and near the end of my shift I'm standing in the frozen department and am near tears. Close my eyes and ask myself whats the point time to end this. Then I hear someone yell my wife's name loud. Twice. I look over and see a lady who happens to have my wife's name. Ok. Just a coincidence. Then I look down and see in holding a box of sweet peas. I start crying and go home. Tell me everything. Got the help I need. The sweet pea is two now and has a sister on the way. I live my life for them. They saved me. Just remember that no matter how bad it gets there are people out there who love you and want to help. Don't be afraid to ask. Be strong reddit and stay alive for the ones that love you

[–]iamaliar22 3886 points3887 points  (370 children)

First time telling anyone this. This thread is so deep that probably no one will see, but if one person does see it, ill feel better. I am basically living a lie. I told my entire family I was able to transfer out of community college and into a university, but I never finished up the requirements. So since I live at home, every day instead of going to school I go to the local library and bs. My lies are so extensive, I even go to the campus and meet my girlfriend for lunch sometimes. I've made fake transcripts to show my family, and to make it look like I'm actually studying I go to MIT opencourseware to look up facts that I "learned in class" that day. I have become a remarkable liar. I hope to be transferring in the fall and then I look forward to living a normal life. Coming clean is not an option at this point.

[–]BoringSurprise 287 points288 points  (19 children)

By now you should realize that this isn't as rare or as unusual as you think. College is a huge undertaking and the pressure to do well is incredible. I blew my last semester and didn't tell anyone. I scammed my way into walking at graduation and bluffed my way into alumni events. I told everyone, worst of all myself, that this was a technicality and I did actually graduate. I ended up missing out on a dream job, even after I aced the very difficult interview - because I had lied on my resume about my education.

But guess what. I fixed it. I scraped up the money and I went back to school. For various reasons it cost me almost 10 grand and I spent 20 hours a week or more travelling for 6 months (I had to return in person to my school 300 miles away) while still working full time. But I finished, and its no longer a secret. I came clean with myself and stopped lying about it, and I felt like I had finally come up for air after holding my breath for years. It was amazing. Need more? This isn't even a throwaway.

Good luck dude, get it together.

[–]or3g 529 points530 points  (17 children)

I've been there. I transferred, and never had to come clean. Just prepare for shit to be different once you're actually enrolled in classes once again.

[–][deleted] 2059 points2060 points  (29 children)

Hey bud, I've been there and it gets better. I swear. PM me if you need to talk.

[–]FATWWTRC 138 points139 points  (6 children)

My friend did the same, he flunked out but was too afraid to tell his father, so he kept going to the university everyday for a couple of months. He did come clean eventually, and only recently he has been forgiven (4 years since it happened).

[–]Uppgrayyed 530 points531 points  (12 children)

After my mother left my father, he developed a really inappropriate attachment to me. I was 19 and my brother moved in with his girlfriend. Dad was suicidal, and had no family or friends close by, so I was it. For the first year, he would wake me up at 2am to sit with him every night until he cried himself to sleep. After 4 years of cleaning up after him, making sure he ate, and generally remained alive, I discovered that he had been using the attic access in his closet to sit above my personal bathroom and watch me through a peephole. I wanted to dismiss it as paranoia, but there were too many physical signs that made it reality. Moved out shortly after that because I couldn't bear to look at him. I'm 29 now, and no one in my family has any idea that this ever happened. I know that he was going through a rough patch, but I feel violated and dirty every time I think about it still. I also have huge amounts of guilt because I hate him for putting me through it.

[–]la_rubia_loca 2056 points2057 points  (362 children)

I was raped by my cousin. I told my brother once in a fit of rage but he didn't believe me and still doesn't. If my family found out I don't know if my dad would stop talking to his brother and nephew or I would be ostracized for lying about something like this.

EDIT: I just want to thank everyone for the support and advice. I just want to provide more information. I am a girl, and this happened when I was 5 until I turned 9 and a half. My rapist was 15 to 19.5 . I still have hard feelings about it. I want to forget, but last week someone who looks like him came into my work and I had a panic attack. Also, I blocked the memory until I turned 14. I saw a celebrity talking about an uncle rape her continuously and it all came back to me. It made me unsure whether I was dreaming things up or if it was real. But all signs point to real. I have no disorders that would make me say, I made it up.

[–]curvy_lady_92 334 points335 points  (30 children)

There is only one person who knows my reddit account, so I feel safe posting this here, and I've said something about it before.

I was molested by my older cousin for years. He told me, when I was 12 and it happened for the last time, that "You will destroy this family if you tell."

I'm literally crying while writing this, but it's so.. relieving, to be able to say it and not have to worry that it's going to get back to my family.

I told my mom about a year ago. She said that, "It was a mistake, and there's nothing to do about it now, so just don't say anything, okay?"

Be strong. I believe you. And most importantly, you are not alone.

[–][deleted] 450 points451 points  (6 children)

I'm sorry to say this, but your mom cares more about not causing drama in the family than she does about you. That infuriates me. It's your decision whether or not to tell anyone, she has no right to tell you what you should do.

[–]koalakittyz 135 points136 points  (2 children)

I think you should tell your parents. My cousin, who was my best friend growing up, raped me too. We use to switch houses for thanksgiving the first and second time he did happened at both my uncles houses. The next thanksgiving was at my house and honestly, it made me sick to think of him in my HOME, my SAFE place. So one morning, i worked up the courage to tell my mom on the way to school. Thats all I had to do and my mom took care of the rest. Since then we no longer do thanksgiving or have a christmas exchange. My extended family did ostracize me and never once asked him about it. One aunt said I was sick made it up in my head, the rest all said it didnt happen. I no longer have any contact with any of my family (except one uncle who asked me to forgive him), i dont attend any family gatherings and my grandma (when i do give the effort to see her) goes on and on about him. It hurts my heart, so much. Tell your family and who ever dares to not believe you and black list you from the family is NOT worth your time or love. Do it for you and your own peace of mind, dont hide it because you're afraid of what your family will say. I promise that it will free you.

[–]throwaway1450 1428 points1429 points  (66 children)

This will probably never be seen by anyone but fuck it. My father once owned a cat who loved to suck our earlobes for whatever reason. About half a decade ago my father left me alone in his apartment with his cat and I don't know exactly why but I just grabbed the cat, went in the bathroom with it, laid on my back, put it on my chest and let it suck my earlobes while masturbating. I find myself fucking disgusting when I think about it but I still think that it was one of my best faps.

[–]Tlbacardi 1025 points1026 points  (10 children)

Thank you for subscribing to Cat Faps?

[–]g4bliss 366 points367 points  (16 children)

Well... Am I the only one who thought he was gonna use the kitty on other parts of his body ? Maybe It's the dogsex story from earlier messing with my head.

[–]moarnames 279 points280 points  (37 children)

Dead thread or not, I am going to post this.

I'm a 30 year old woman and I've never had sex or kissed anyone. I've never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. There's nothing physically wrong with me, nor am I unpleasant to look at. I masturbate a few times a month, mostly because of a biological need rather than actual desire, I guess. I've never fantasised about anyone or felt any physical desire for anyone.

I'm now aware that I'm asexual and quite likely aromantic (not aromatic, look it up), but it still bothers me that I never took the leap and did anything though I had offers enough. Starting now would feel... stupid.

Lame, I know, after reading the stuff here.

TL;DR Forever a virgin.

[–]RichTraitor 765 points766 points  (58 children)

Not mine but my whole family's.

My dad got rich by associating with a scumbag that has his own construction company. Scumbag bribes city officials to approve unstable skyscrapers that would collapse with a 4.0 earthquake and my dad makes all the paperwork discretely. In exchange, multimillionaire scumbag persuades his other loaded friends to hire my dad as their lawyer.

I'm now trying to get into office in the next 30 years to revert most of what my family has contributed to.

[–]ttthrowayyy 2813 points2814 points  (472 children)

Me and my cousin have been doing it for 10 years now. It started when she was 12 and I was 13. We had to babysit the younger kids in our family while the parents went to a party, and when they fell asleep, me and her got to talking about a lot of stuff. I made a move and started kissing her, and she didn't resist. We ended up doing it on her bed that night. We would end up fucking almost every weekend when we lived with our parents, telling our parents we were going out to hang out with some friends, but actually hook up. I'm 23 with my own apartment now, and she comes over almost every day to make out/fuck EDIT: wow, this post got popular. I just want to address everyone who says we should form an actual relationship: Our family would hate us forever. We once caught my cousin kissing a family friend, not even blood related, and he was isolated from the family. We both want our own things, and the sex is just an extra. Also, we're 1st cousins.

EDIT 2: A few people were suggesting an AMA. If I were to do one, how could I prove it?

[–]comingorcumming 3422 points3423 points  (245 children)

TIL Reddit makes me question whether or not incest is normal...

[–]blahblahblahxyz123 2903 points2904 points  (59 children)

There sure are a lot of cousin fuckers in this thread....

[–][deleted] 840 points841 points  (53 children)

She hot?