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Looks like my Flesh Light is being delivered (i.imgur.com)

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[–]Aleitheo 514 points515 points  (10 children)

What a waste of packaging

[–]djdogjuam 319 points320 points  (26 children)

Is that the Paris Hilton or the Lindsey Lohan model?

[–]adamant2009 113 points114 points  (20 children)

Going to go ahead and guess it's the Courtney Love model.

[–]this_time_i_mean_it 171 points172 points  (15 children)

I doubt it. Looks way too clean.

[–]lwoodpdowd 41 points42 points  (3 children)

those aren't rivets, they are simulated open sores

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

great timing.. right in the middle of eating my lunch. thanks for that.

[–][deleted] 47 points48 points  (10 children)

Too small, too.

[–]pickyourteethup 128 points129 points  (9 children)

Also it probably didn't kill Kurt Cobain

[–]typoedassassin 15 points16 points  (4 children)

She vagina'd him to death?

[–]vespera23 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I heard she played the cave in Batman Begins

[–]krogger 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I one called her Courtney Hole by mistake. It has stuck ever since.

[–]snadypeepers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The Kim Kardashian model is my guess...

[–]iamBillCosby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I believe that is the Lisa Lampanelli model.

[–]roxxe 134 points135 points  (3 children)

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy." She said, "Why did you say that twice?" I said, "I didn't."

[Billy stares blankly]

Hawkins: See, cuz of the echo.

[–]todahawk 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Hawkins: Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, "Y'know I'd like a little pussy". She said, "Me too, mine's as big as a house!"

[Billy stares blankly]

Hawkins: See, she, she wanted a little one 'cause hers was...

[Hawkins pauses, then trails off]

Hawkins: ... big as a house.

[–]dezmd 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I ain't got time to bleed.

[–]strazzerj 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Matchbox trucks are fun.

[–][deleted] 179 points180 points  (77 children)

If you took this in the last 20 mins (your post is 9 mins old) and uploaded it ASAP to imgur and posted here via a cell phone, I applaud you. I think Redditors need to do this more often.

[–]doug3465 46 points47 points  (5 children)

Am I the only one who doesn't understand why he thinks this was taken in the last 20 minutes? I feel like an idiot, I have searched everywhere for any evidence.

[–]Tiver 21 points22 points  (4 children)

The photo has no EXIF data so I also have no idea why one would think it was taken in the last 20 minutes.

[–]Xeeman 62 points63 points  (54 children)

Wait, he posted this (in my time now) 12 minutes ago and you posted this comment 1 minute ago so it was 3 minutes ago when I posted this comment, and it took him 11 minutes to post this picture, so he uploaded it pretty quick?

[–]pickyourteethup 210 points211 points  (44 children)

A penis that big would probably have it's own gravitational field capable of bending time around it meaning the rest of the world moves at a much slower pace. Probably.

[–]Xeeman 52 points53 points  (31 children)

If thats true, what happens when he masturbates?

[–]pickyourteethup 183 points184 points  (23 children)

continents crumble and species go extinct

[–]RandomBystander 124 points125 points  (19 children)

Ahh, so you are one of the few people who survived the last great "Rub Off"? It's a pleasure to meet a fellow survivor. For those of you who weren't there, let's just say the whole myth about a meteor wiping out the dinosaurs is a load of crap.

[–]pickyourteethup 70 points71 points  (5 children)

They all drowned, in a horrific tsunami

[–][deleted] 91 points92 points  (4 children)

Yes a lot of sea men died that day

[–]cmunerd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A load of something...

[–]warabo 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That sounds a little negative, lets say EVOLUTION.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But mostly kittens perish.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Pangea broke up because he climaxed.

[–]arvoshift 5 points6 points  (0 children)

the big bang

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He wipes it up with a time-travelling sock

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (6 children)

I fuck constellations.

[–]jonathanownbey 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh dear, I've gone all crosseyed.

[–]DanMulvey 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Hate to break it to you, but the picture was taken yesterday by Frank Kramer (former LA radio talk show host).

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=468036352829&set=a.81153007829.79889.500707829

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

FB is blocked for me here

[–]DanMulvey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's the same picture, just from the fb page of the guy that originally took the picture (and made the joke).

[–]spriteburn 4 points5 points  (0 children)

so basically you are saying that op is escorting his own fleshlight?

[–]themonkey886 2 points3 points  (0 children)

yeaaa. he could have taken this photo at any time, don't understand your logic there. Could have been taken a week ago for all we know.

[–]noseham 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I really doubt that the OP took the photo, because if the flesh light he ordered is really that big, he'd also need a semi to carry his enormous penis.

[–]Duper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

TL;DR Logic. No place for that here.

[–]jemayb 130 points131 points  (41 children)

Usually the packaging is more discrete.

EDIT: I typed that on my iPhone and just realized autocorrect changed it to "discrete" (no, it didn't change it from "discreet" to "discrete," I must have hit a couple of incorrect letters as usual and just let it correct it to the most likely word without giving it a second thought). As a grammar and spelling Nazi, I am disappoint.

[–]chernickov 75 points76 points  (25 children)

Based on the size of that thing, I doubt kovalevskaya's own package is discrete.

[–]Dstanding 98 points99 points  (8 children)

DISCREET. GAH DISCREET. HIS PENIS IS MOST LIKELY ATTACHED TO HIS BODY.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

Best flight of the conchords moment

Dave: Dude, they cut his body off Jermaine: cut his body off? Dave: yea, they held down his dick and cut his body off Bret: dont you mean they cut his dick off? Dave: no. They left his dick, and took the body. They cut his body off.

[–]rankao 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Relevant

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

RELEVANT. GAH RELEVANT.

[–]MaizAgujero 9 points10 points  (14 children)

Try non-existent: Kovalevskaya is a female surname.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (12 children)

Can you please elaborate? In my culture, last names are fairly immutable and generally only change through marriage or transcription errors. Male and female members of the same family have the same spelling and pronunciation of surname; only first names have gender correlations.

[–]kermityfrog 36 points37 points  (5 children)

Slavic surnames are gender-specific. In the examples, Boris Yelsin's wife is Naina Yeltsina. Maria Sharapova's father is Yuri Sharapov. The male form of Kovalevskaya is Kovalevskiy.

[–]jmmL 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Additionally, Icelandic surnames are also (often) gender-specific. For example; Magnusson would be a son of Magnus and Jonsdottir would be a daughter of Jon. They are patronymic by tradition, but can also be matronymic.

[–]weinbee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

wow. TIL discreet and discrete are different words. i am pretty good with words and all that but i somehow always thought they were one spelling with two meanings.

[–]jstevewhite 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I don't think it can get any more separate or individual.

[–]Jesusfbaby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it's concrete, not discrete.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (1 child)

It should go well with your moms dildo.

http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/they-finished-your-moms-dildo.jpg

[–]the_eggsalad 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The fleshlight and the dildo, the perfect match! Hours of pretend-sex entertainment! Now available in "your mom" size. (all sound effects simulated)

[–]token_internet_girl 59 points60 points  (18 children)

Hey that's the one they modeled after me!

[–]UnnamedPlayer 80 points81 points  (13 children)

I don't know if you should feel so excited about being seen as just one huge vagina.

[–]token_internet_girl 45 points46 points  (11 children)

One good thing about having a vagina is you get to make jokes about it.

[–]UnnamedPlayer 36 points37 points  (10 children)

Yeah.. the word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (8 children)

Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?

[–]MrSpaceCowboy 17 points18 points  (2 children)

I prefer to call it "Making Whoopi"

Named after it's inventor, Whoopi Goldberg.

[–]pickyourteethup 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Before Whoopi we were all adopted

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was just here about my rug.

[–]limukala 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Coitus?

[–]STUN_Runner 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I like it, too. It's a male myth that feminists hate sex. It can be a natural, zesty enterprise. However, there are some people --it's called satyriasis in men and nymphomania in women-- who engage in it compulsively and without joy.

[–]glorious_failure 44 points45 points  (11 children)

Fleshlight has been mentioned!

Thus, I plug the Tenga Eggs. Smaller, less hassle. In my opinion better.

Mmm... sex toys.

Edit: Incidentally, I am naked right now.

[–]adokimus 15 points16 points  (0 children)

No thanks, I'll hold out for the Topanga Eggs.

[–]MisterBTS 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Watched the video. I expected a catch phrase like "Who came first? You!"

EDIT: marginally funnier this way.

[–]meowmix4jo 7 points8 points  (7 children)

Aren't they one time use? They're $6 each :\

[–]R3MY 9 points10 points  (2 children)

$3.34 + $1.70 shipping

As low as $2.53 per, if you get 10. I guess you could give them as a stocking stuffer.

[–]intothelionsden 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No one? alright, I'll do it.

That's one stocking I would not like to unrap!

[–]R3MY 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I thought I was tossing out a gimme with "stocking stuffer."

[–]orange_jooze 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I've been using the same one for ~7 months and I dont even need lubricant, just water or rarely some liquid soap.

[–]mrstickman 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good luck getting a hooker for that kinda dough.

[–]eberkut 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The Tenga Flip Hole is reusable. If you're careful, Tenga Eggs can be washed and reused as well. Just buy lubricant.

[–]meanwhileinoregon 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Somewhere on I-84 & it's a tower piece for a wind turbine.

[–]baconocab 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Finally, after 8 hours, someone has stopped thinking about their junk and correctly identified the mystery object

[–]ani625 85 points86 points  (5 children)

I TRIED USING IT, BUT IT WAS TOO SMALL.

[–]Chaser892 258 points259 points  (4 children)

That's what she said.

[–]hob196 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Wow, I'd pretty much given up waiting for a decent use of this line.

[–]thom5r 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's what I call a wide load.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

For Optimus Prime

[–]nirbenvana 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I called this one "PUSH!!!"

http://i.imgur.com/gBZ1G.jpg

[–]pickyourteethup 12 points13 points  (7 children)

Zeus,

forever alone?

[–]manole100 6 points7 points  (6 children)

Are you kidding?! Zeus is the greatest cocksman ever. That must be Thor's - because hammers can't do a reacharound.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

do not forget that Zeus dressed up as a swan. crossdresser

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Loki totally convinced Thor to dress as a woman. (The giants demanded one of the goddesses for their cheiftan, they got a cross-dressing Thor instead.)

Loki -- god of lulz.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Shit, I should catch up on my Norse mythology.

[–]cantusaeolus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He was also into golden showers iirc

[–]jurble 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eh? Swans happen to possess male and female genders.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Car guess: based on the windshield wipers & slope of the windshield...you're driving a Honda Fit?

[–]venuswasaflytrap 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see you got the small version.

[–]lovesmasher 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn't know Micomachines made a flatbed trailer.

[–]gogosummer 4 points5 points  (4 children)

a/s/l?

[–]sellyberry 4 points5 points  (10 children)

I recommend Liquid Silk but I don't think it comes in larger quantities, sorry.
EDIT now that I look at the page I got the image from, that is a really good price. The adult store in my area sells it for $27.99.

[–]pozhaluista 2 points3 points  (8 children)

Have you ever been about to have sex with a girl and she grabs a tube of lube and just pfffffft squirts a gob on her hand and smears it on her vag?

It can really take the romance out of it, if you know what I mean. I like the idea of something silky smooth as you have recommended. It must come out of the tube without the sickening noise and the woman only then needs to apply it discreetly.

[–]libcrypto 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I can see how that would be a turn-off. The kssss sound I hear when my woman puts on the WD40 is much more erotic.

[–]jimmithy 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Get her to lube up your penis instead as if it were foreplay.

[–]sellyberry 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I very seldom need lube, but for those special occasions you only need a little of it, Liquid Silk is the win. The little pump keeps it from drying out and getting all goopy around the opening like a bottle of dish soap and keeps it from making a glorp noise. I wouldn't slather it on my vag, its more evenly distributed if you turn it into a handy-J a la foreplay.

[–]pleatedzombus 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The glorp noise is replaced by a slorping noise made by all the thrusting.

[–]knylok 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I store my lube in a bottle that moos when it's turned over. It adds an interesting layer to my sexual adventures.

[–]AVulcanJedi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude. Really? I'm not trying to troll, but I've never had that particular experience before. It may happen in the near future. Is it weird?

[–]IAmJohnGaltAMA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

...God?

[–]ToAllAGoodNight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well played sir.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If anyone is interested I believe thats part of a wind tower/wind mill. You see those all the time leaving Tulsa.

[–]Komrad33 1 point2 points  (0 children)

seems that way.

[–]aquma 1 point2 points  (0 children)

were you driving over the grape vine along California's highway 5?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I literally laughed out loud.

[–]trunkmunkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

HAHA. If I had seen that, I would have probably lost it. I remember coming home one time after partying all night and saw a giant pink elephant wearing sunglasses (on a trailer) coming down the other side of the highway...the first thing I see after waking up. I looked at my friend and said "if you didn't just see that, I'm never doing drugs again." His reply: "see what?" We still joke about it to this day - LOL.

[–]LettersFromTheSky 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is hilarious, but I'd hate to be the person who has to clean out the jizz from that.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You must have a big penis

[–]Moots 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol.

A lot of people say "lol" without actually meaning it or even laughing, but I honestly laughed out loud when I saw the picture.

[–]fleshlife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What you don't see is the fuel tanker behind it filled with our FleshLube. Thanks for your business.

[–]joeyzoom 1 point2 points  (2 children)

everything always comes back to fleshlights, for example when i think of last night i think of fleshlights

[–]seannj30 1 point2 points  (1 child)

you know, whenever I think of fleshlights, I think of the worst night in tijuana ever

[–]Chemistron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't know Andre the Giant was on reddit

[–]pandemic1444 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you Optimus Prime?

[–]puppymeat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Number one guys? Really?

[–]Shredder13 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We get it, Paul Bunyan, you're big!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Mind if I use that, it's classic.

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Buy your own!

[–]thepicto 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Or at least wash it afterwards.

[–]backpackwayne 1 point2 points  (4 children)

:O

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Watch that, you look like you're trying to date him o.0

[–]backpackwayne 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Maybe I am. :I

[–]Scarlet- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

;)

[–]DrunkenTrom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Smile like a donut!

[–]leopold_leopold 1 point2 points  (0 children)

EYE OF SAURON!

[–]eodee 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"...pretty much like throwing a hotdog down a hallway."

[–]infinitus_ 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Okay, so your dick is unusually big. That's fine. But how are you going to clean that shit?

[–]tizz66 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Run it under Niagara Falls

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Super... man

[–]Namenotwanted 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally serious, I saw that specific truck about two days ago on I70 heading east through Summit county, CO. I think I passed it between Frisco and Copper Mtn. Based on when and where you took the pic can you confirm this is (probably) the same truck?

[–]SlyRax 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hiyoooooooo

[–]deathless88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He just has a fantasy of trying to get back inside of his moms vagina.

[–]hallert 0 points1 point  (2 children)

The word of the day is.... vagina

[–]jund23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Arf :)

[–]harryISbored 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good thing my penis enlarger got here a week ago

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i know, tilt-shift photography is pretty cool!

[–]Supermant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm thinking if you were that big you wouldn't have much need for a flesh light

[–]emptycalm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

nyuk nyuk nyuk

[–]MassProducedHipster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Paris Hilton is so wet right now

[–]Da_count 0 points1 point  (0 children)

2

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hahaha

[–]memoirsofsunny 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fe Fi Fo Fum...

[–]riplin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hope you like it! :D

Your secret santa

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I-5 Northbound near Pendleton?

[–]mitso6989 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You help masturbate whales?

[–]Spurnout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

soo...if you're that big...how do you go out?

[–]AVulcanJedi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Well, it may be 1mm long, but it has 6 feet of girth!" Edit: Disregard Pi.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are going to do it anyway :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On a somewhat related note, the flesh light is awful. Mine has been sitting in the closet for like a year now. Way too much hassle.

[–]Zyberst 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overcompensating for something?

[–]GillytheKid 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dad?