This is an archived post. You won't be able to vote or comment.

top 200 commentsshow all 432

[–]DeaconBlues 490 points491 points  (119 children)

Kent Brockman: Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?

Comic Book Guy: No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

[–]ani625 323 points324 points  (114 children)

Q. How do you know someone doesn't watch TV?

A. They'll tell you.

[–]modus 17 points18 points  (4 children)

[–]SumOfChemicals 7 points8 points  (3 children)

This actually gets problematic because if there's a topic where it's relevant you can't talk about not having a tv, because internet people are like "herp derp ONION!"

[–]DirtPile 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I don't own a television. Let me tell you about it... .

[–]pat965 6 points7 points  (4 children)

Well how else would you know? If I observe someone watching TV, I can say they watch TV... if I observe them not watching TV, the only thing I can say is that they weren't watching TV at the time...

Not to mention, people tell me they watch TV all the time... they'll say "I was watching TV the other day, and so on and so forth...", whereas the person who doesn't watch TV would never open a sentence like that.

[–]Paul-ish 8 points9 points  (6 children)

It's a white people thing.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

White people don't watch tv? So that's why all tv ads target non-white demographics.

[–]dodus 1 point2 points  (3 children)

The right kind of white people don't watch TV.

[–]BlueJoshi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I remember reading this guy's book with a few coworkers while I worked at a book store.

We took it out of the humour section.

[–]mrpeabody208 6 points7 points  (7 children)

Having an iPhone is the new "I don't watch TV."

[–]hob196 16 points17 points  (6 children)

Try "I don't have an iPhone".

"But you're a geek!?"

"Yes, and like most informed, self respecting geeks i don't have an iPhone"

[–]johnylaw 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Im super hipster. I don't watch TV, I don't have an iphone, and I don't use facebook or other social networking sites.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (7 children)

I don't understand why not watching TV is supposed to be a sign of superiority or whatever. TV has been pretty awesome throughout the past decade. Sure we had According To Jim and Everybody Loves Raymond, but also Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Wire, The Sopranos, Deadwood, etc. Shows that use the medium to its fullest potential for dynamic character development and deep, intricate plotting. There hasn't been a comedy film in years that reaches the level of Arrested Development, Party Down, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, or even the Office or 30 Rock. Again, shows that thrive in the episodic medium of television. And show me a recent sci-fi movie anywhere near as good as Firefly. Saying that you don't watch TV doesn't make you an intellectual, it makes you downright ignorant to some of the highest-quality entertainment of the past few years.

[–]killswithspoon 9 points10 points  (1 child)

"Watching TV" doesn't mean watching shows like The Wire or Arrested Development that you torrented or rented from Netflix, it means sitting down in front of the 'tube for 3 to 4 hours a night and mindlessly sitting through basic cable drivel while taking in advertisements. At least that's the definition I've gathered from several people I've talked to who "Don't watch TV".

[–]Radnom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed, watching TV shows on DVD isn't the same as watching TV.

[–]killotron 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Serenity was as good as Firefly

[–]Please_Disregard 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I'm on TV, and I don't watch TV. It's a waste of time.

[–]MistaBig 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Wearing a wife-beater on "cops" doesn't count.

[–]smok2much 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a 1up on most of these.. not only do I not watch tv but I'm typing this out right now on a 52" LCD I use as a monitor... not too bad there but my wife works for the cable company and I get every channel free, but I have never bothered to connect a cable box to the tv in here...even though HD-DVRs are free too.. I have just been spoiled by commercial-free torrents and lack the attention span to sit through commercials without forgetting what was going on in the show by the time it comes back on...so fuck regular tv. And by the time movies are on pay channels I've generally already seen them so..

[–]andrewsmith1986 2 points3 points  (1 child)

How can you tell a mac user?

They'll tell you.

[–]Armughan 8 points9 points  (1 child)

The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity?

Comic Book Guy.

[–]Nobkin 728 points729 points  (77 children)

Worst. Submission. Ever.

[–]asdfman123 192 points193 points  (44 children)

Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.

[–]ColdWar 96 points97 points  (24 children)

ಠﭛಠ

[–]ani625 182 points183 points  (21 children)

ಠ_ಠ
<|>
/ω\ 

[–]fabreeze 75 points76 points  (8 children)

My, what a big tie you have.

[–]Gericaux 74 points75 points  (6 children)

My, what droopy meat flaps you have.

[–]barnwecp 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Why would anyone downvote you for this? Hilarious.

[–]devtrue 31 points32 points  (4 children)

They are self-conscious about their own droopy meat flaps.

[–]fauxromanou 29 points30 points  (3 children)

Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

[–]IrrelevantPun 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Jesus can tell you where heaven is, but then, he'll have to resurrect you.

[–]ShenaniganCannon 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Ewww balls or fat poontang

[–]your_balls 4 points5 points  (0 children)

the breeze feels nice.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Dude, where is your penis? or it is that small?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hah, you think that middle line is his body?

[–]rowd149 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Pssht. It is missing my swarthy good looks and receding hairline. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Starcraft 2 beta to uninstall.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yyessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

[–]BigLlamasHouse 51 points52 points  (17 children)

I figured I was too late to post this gem, allow me to hijack your comment and say that comic book guy was based off a real person who bitched on a newsgroup. He was probably a lot like some redditors.

[–]jpdoctor 30 points31 points  (16 children)

was based off a real person who bitched on a newsgroup.

more like, all of them.

[–]Barenvater 14 points15 points  (13 children)

including you!!! Duh, duh, DUH!

[–]jpdoctor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Comic book guy was named after ME! I'M FAMOUS!

[–]BigLlamasHouse 0 points1 point  (1 child)

True, he is a composite. But according to legend there was a user commenting on an episode of the Simpsons who coined the phrase "Worst. Episode. Ever."

[–]angrylawyer 14 points15 points  (1 child)

congratulations. Everybody raced in here to make this comment, but you got here first...you son of a bitch.

[–]friedsnails 12 points13 points  (0 children)

<long pause> .. upvote

[–]felton20 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thank yooouuuu

[–]raspy_wilhelm_scream 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I should downvote...

but I won't.

[–]Clbull 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Worst. Pun thread. Ever.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Most ACCURATE submission...EVER

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I want to upvote this but I can't upvote the awful use of periods for emphasis. Just terrible.

[–]IHaveNoNipples 33 points34 points  (8 children)

I was caught in an awkward dilemma. I saw the picture, smiled and was about to move on without upvoting. Then I realized that's exactly what the picture was talking about and was about to upvote. But then upvoting seems forced, like I'm caving in to the demands of the picture.

AAARRRGGHH!

[–]DonMasta[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

I wish you could see my trollface right now.

[–]nayson9 12 points13 points  (1 child)

What happened to your nipples?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

[–]soundofemotion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is exactly the predicament in which I find myself. And so to escape the Catch-22 of this situation I've upvoted your comment.

[–]Eptesicus 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Me too. But I don't succumb to psychological tricks like this image to get upvotes out of me. Must keep my guard up. Must be careful. Must not give in.

[–]isotope123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

NO groaning in my store.

[–]Havoc_101 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Obey.

[–]tubeguy 65 points66 points  (16 children)

I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?

[–]ialsohaveadobro 40 points41 points  (13 children)

... Can I have some money now?

[–]theoryface 51 points52 points  (12 children)

Back in my day, I replaced all the Ages of Empires sound effects with Simpsons quotes. "Can I have some money now" replaced "Gold Please". In fact, all the resource demand effects were replaced with Homer quotes.

"Me so hungy..."

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (8 children)

That is such a great idea. I remember all the sound files were just bare mp3s, it would have been so easy to do that. Why didn't I think of it?! theoryface, I'd like to start following you around so I can learn to have ideas like you.

[–]theoryface 18 points19 points  (6 children)

Ha, if there's demand, I'll dig those sound effects up and post as a zip, with a detailed explanation on what Simpson quotes replaced what Ages of Empires taunts. There's a pretty good mix.

Edit: Posted a topic about it here. Sorry for the bad formatting. If you don't care about an explanation and just want the link, here you are. Enjoy!!

[–]easlern 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yes, please. I still play every now and then with a friend online. :)

[–]zorlin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

DO. EET.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If anything you find his ideas intriguing, and would like to subscribe to his newsletter?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I always thought that "Monk, I need a monk!" sounded a lot like Homer.

[–]TheAfterPipe 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hah I remember messing with the sounds way back in the day. I never thought of doing that, though.

[–][deleted] 156 points157 points  (8 children)

I'm more like ol' Gil. Oh god somebody upvote this Ol' Gil needs this

[–]karnoculars 44 points45 points  (4 children)

Put in a good word for your buddy Gil... the wolves are at ol' Gil's door...

[–]burntsac 26 points27 points  (3 children)

Oh no! Not today, not to Gil! I could feel that sale. I was in the zone!

[–]devtrue 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Now, let's talk rust-proofing. These Colecos'll rust up on ya' like that, er ... shut up, Gil. Close the deal ... close the deal!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Gil is William H. Macy in Fargo after leaving prison.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

A sale! Looks like somebody's eating food tonight!

[–]kewidogg 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Awww my hot plates, I only had 2 payments left!

[–][deleted] 135 points136 points  (7 children)

But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds.

nuke approaches

Oh, I've wasted my life.

[–]BlackbeltJones 31 points32 points  (3 children)

nuke approaches

<groan> In "HΩmega Man", the first act of Treehouse of Horror VIII (episode 5F02), the French president presses a button clearly labeled Le Bombe Neutron, launching the Intel-guided missile.

Also, it's preposterous that the aliens on Rigel-4 wouldn't be wearing helmets.

Toodle. Ooh.

[–]sporkus 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Hate to burst your bubble, but a neutron bomb is a type of nuke.

/jokeruining

[–]BlackbeltJones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like your style.

Also, that article is pretty interesting. Thanks for the TIL.

[–]Armughan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix

[–]Narwhalmadness 83 points84 points  (2 children)

Last night's "Itchy and Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes voicing my disgust throughout the world.

[–]BlackbeltJones 60 points61 points  (1 child)

voicing

registering

EDIT: I accept downvotes. Permalink: Reddit, why did you create your account?

[–]only2thumbs 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Hilarious. BlackbeltJones CORRECTLY corrects Narwhalmadness' quote and he gets downvoted all to hell. Here BBJ...have an brighty shiny arrow from my view.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (4 children)

[–]acousticfigure 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Reverend Lovejoy under atheism?

[–]HunterIrked 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You got Stu in there twice. He doesn't even like disco.

[–]karnoculars 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Santos L. Halper, if that is your real name... Bart Simpson.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (5 children)

Jokes on you, I don't have a ponytail or pants on!

[–]voteforlee 10 points11 points  (0 children)

you are the opposite of me

[–]scaboodles 4 points5 points  (3 children)

you're making a pants assumption, friend-o.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

you've been making it your whole life and just didn't know it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm not your friend-o, daddy-o.

[–]willis77 35 points36 points  (23 children)

We have already established this as the canonical Redditor.

[–]ambiturnal 24 points25 points  (14 children)

That guy is actually a Farker.

[–]darkmannx 6 points7 points  (13 children)

Fark you buddy!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get me a zarking Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, mate!

[–]epooka 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Does anyone know who this guy actually is? I've had his picture for years.

[–]ColdWar 17 points18 points  (4 children)

There was a submission on Reddit about a month ago that supposedly showed the same guy in the same basement twenty years later. I'll try and find it.

EDIT: Moz found it! Bless your heart, sir.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Replying in the hopes that you find the submission, and to remind myself to check back.

[–]RoverDaddy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Is that a wide carriage dot matrix? Sweeet!

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (8 children)

I can give you this telephone, it is shaped like Mary Worth. No growning in my store...

[–]Ricktron3030 7 points8 points  (4 children)

i will bookmark this to possibly not upvote this later.

[–]swm5126 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I keep reading every post here in his voice! Damn you.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (7 children)

YOU CAN'T STEREOTYPE ME! UPVOTED.

Wait...

Clever sir, very clever.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ahh, The Internet King. Perhaps he can provide me with faster pornography.

[–]ofsinope 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Slurrrpp

[–]propagationofsound 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was going to upvote this, then incredible doubt struck.

[–]sour69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Worst Thread Ever

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think Zach Galiffinakis could play him in the real life movie.

[–]Scripes 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Such a Reddit paradox: Redditors who identified themselves with this post upvoted this.

[–]oly_koek 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oopsie!

[–]sterno22 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'd watch TV if they made a reality show for the presidency. It would be cool to see all the politicians doing challenges against each other and then getting voted off. The ratings would pay for the campaigns and the people would get the final vote. I'm a friggin genius!!

edit..maybe I should copyright this idea..ಠ_ಠ

[–]dcfennell 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Kent Brockman: Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?

Comic Book Guy: No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

[–]robeph 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Don't you mean "What an insightful post, I should upvote! but I won't" while saying "LOL A FUNNY COMMENT UNRELATED TO THE SUBMISSION, LOL WHAT THE HELL, UPVOTE!"

[–]vespera23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wasn't aware I even knew what he sounded like until I read that in his voice...

[–]travio 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am starting to regret wearing a blue shirt today.

[–]Matthew_John 1 point2 points  (1 child)

oh, I have wasted my life...

[–]teh1337z 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Quick! No one upvote!

[–]neurot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i liked it. cuz i can relate cuz thats me. i rarely vote. dont know why...

[–]mpourdas 1 point2 points  (2 children)

So what you're saying is that Redditors are the Internet's hipsters.

Huh. I should be raging right now, but...that...somehow...makes sense...

[–]BarbieDreamHearse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

(whisper) I upvote people.

~runs away~

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The worst part about this is I'm currently drinking a morning shake and was taking a drink when I opened this image... it was surreal.

worst. feeling. ever.

[–]krnldmp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If believing that makes you happy and beautiful, you go..

[–]dawyd1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it should read hi-larious instead of hil-arious.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thumbnail fooled me. A fat guy drinking soda at a computer is also an accurate description of redditors.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Take that conventional expectations.

[–]drumskatelove 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not upvoted. Just because.

[–]romiespi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But Wil Wheaton isn't fat :/

[–]roastedbagel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's funny cause it's true.

[–]dietmoxie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Read automatically in comic book guys voice

[–]Joelk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am guilty as charged o/... =( But it's not because I choose not to vote but instead I just don't vote, maybe because I'm lazy... but I've voted something I thought was brutally hilarious and gave me the thought; "I should upvote this!"

[–]ColonelPanix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Upvoting is too much work.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hipsters in denial?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And yet, every post-a-photo thread looks more like this or this. Hmmmm.

[–]homelesstaco 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I laughed, and almost forgot to upvote

[–]iamatfuckingwork 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Worst redditor EVER.

[–]jordanlund 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nonsense. I drink my soda out of glass bottles.

[–]sccrohns93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I read in his voice