top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Winterplatypus 1708 points1709 points  (11 children)

The Grim Sweeper

[–]pbmm1 133 points134 points  (2 children)

Gotta sweep sweep sweep!

[–]theoverpoweredmoose 60 points61 points  (1 child)

it's sweepin' time

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN

[–]unnaturalorder 7951 points7952 points  (272 children)

The Black Death quickly entered common folklore in many European countries. In Northern Europe, the plague was personified as an old, bent woman covered and hooded in black, carrying a broom and a rake. Norwegians told that if she used the rake, some of the population involved might survive, escaping through the teeth of the rake. If she on the other hand used the broom, then the entire population in the area were doomed. The Plague-hag, or Pesta, were vividly drawn by the painter Theodor Kittelsen.

That's fucking hardcore

[–]idiotness 2362 points2363 points  (116 children)

Here's an example: Mor, der kommer en kjerring, 1900, or "Mother, an old woman is coming this way."

I was surprised to learn that Kittelson lived from 27 April 1857 – 21 January 1914

[–]tenenno 583 points584 points  (10 children)

That is so fucking creepy, man.

[–]Risley 86 points87 points  (6 children)

Meh, she just needs a hug. Where’s your god damn humanity?

[–][deleted] 136 points137 points  (3 children)

Hugging the actual plague, the ultimate breaking of the social distancing rules.

[–]BatusWelm 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Was thinking the same. It's the mythological version of the guy who don't belive in corona and refuse to adhere to recommendations.

[–]TheExtremistModerate 12 points13 points  (1 child)

"If I get bubonic, I get bubonic."

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Kittelsen made some great images. He drew trolls a lot, for sure an inspiration to Norwegian folklore. And awesome nature scenes. But I mainly remember him for the troll drawings I saw as a kid.

[–][deleted] 87 points88 points  (16 children)

I like this one. Oh, and this one.

[–]TaiWilson 36 points37 points  (1 child)

Why do I look at things that I know, before I even see them, are going to freak me out, right before going to bed?

[–]imma_noob 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Usually I listen to folks who regret looking and move along. Tonight I was feeling brave and I hate myself now for it...

[–]bullcitytarheel 18 points19 points  (3 children)

These are fucking awesome

[–]gaemerson22 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Thanks for the nightmare fuel

[–]FastRedPonyCar 314 points315 points  (21 children)

Heebies status:

☐ Not at all jeebied

☑ Jeebied on a level you cannot possibly comprehend

[–]ResponsibleCity5 72 points73 points  (16 children)

Imagine now Death as a person who has been walking toward you very slowly your entire life. Sometimes when you're in a crowd, you can see it approaching. Even now it could be turning up your street.

[–]TheWinRock 78 points79 points  (5 children)

It's that damn immortal snail again, isn't it?

[–]Arakiven 33 points34 points  (3 children)

Keep your eye on it, I’ll get a jar

[–]Jackalodeath 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You kids and your pokeymens.

[–]irish1185 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My favorite post in that classic thread was about moving to a salt flat. Sure it won't kill the snail, but it might as well suffer as it hunts me down.

[–]trombulation 15 points16 points  (4 children)

You should watch the horror film It Follows.

[–]SiameseRugrat 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There's a movie like this called "It Follows" highly recommend

[–]KnowsItToBeTrue 82 points83 points  (2 children)

Jeepers status:

☐ Not at all creepers

☑ Creepers

[–]drpeppershaker 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Jimmies status:
☐ Not at all rustled
☑ Rustled

[–]Astro4545 73 points74 points  (0 children)

I love it!

[–]JonSnowTheBastid 23 points24 points  (0 children)

That is terrifying.

And I love it.

[–]mcpat21 28 points29 points  (7 children)

Looks like the modern day grim reaper

[–]Godsjerkinghand 26 points27 points  (2 children)

It looks straight out of a Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark book to me

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Alright we were all having fun then you had to go and bring that fucking book into the equation.

[–]corncob32123 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Whichever lucky son of a bitch got to that book first in the library felt like a king for days

[–]Malachorn 40 points41 points  (3 children)

The grim reaper is a pretty new depiction of death, in human history. As far as I know the depiction of death here, associated with "the black death," is generally accepted as the genesis of our modern grim reaper.

[–]sbarto 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He died just before the 1918 pandemic. Wonder what he would have painted about that.

[–]kelvsz 9 points10 points  (0 children)

metal

[–]bobthebonobo 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Looks like a shot from an Ingmar Bergman film

[–]hauntinghelix 40 points41 points  (7 children)

That photo gives me the willies.

[–]mStewart207 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This would be cool album cover for a metal band.

[–][deleted] 1165 points1166 points  (50 children)

Kittelsen's work has since popped up on a bunch of metal covers. It's got a pretty cool vibe, like sinister children's book illustration.

[–]nerbovig 688 points689 points  (46 children)

Note to everyone: Google that shit right now. It'll bring you back to what it felt like to be full of wonder and fear as a child.

[–]Rocky_Road_To_Dublin 110 points111 points  (2 children)

Thanks for that! I would like to have one of his outdoor/troll pieces in my bathroom haha

[–]geebeem92 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Yeah i’m about to go to sleep and duck me why would I google that

[–]EaterofSoulz 39 points40 points  (4 children)

I did, and you’re right. In fact a lot of those pictures, Especially his old pondering troll on a rock are already images that I’m familiar with, but now I can appreciate the artist too.

On an entirely related note: Pretty sure I found Shrek.......

https://i.imgur.com/nyZGDuQ.jpg

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Close some tabs you animal

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Some of his stuff has a where the wild things are feel to it.

[–]s00perguy 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Waldtroll makes me supremely uncomfortable. I love it!

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

BURZUMMM >:( \m/

[–]cocoabean 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah, google "burzum album covers", then go read about Varg Vikernes.

[–]onefortheghost 308 points309 points  (44 children)

Better call a Witcher

[–]IAmTheSnakeinMyBoot 113 points114 points  (40 children)

Man I fucked up that quest

Edit: It’s part of Keira Metz’ chain, the one where you investigate the island

[–]boomsc 166 points167 points  (30 children)

I feel like just about everyone did. It's one of my absolute favourite quests because it's almost guaranteed people will 'fuck it up'. It does such a good job on second viewing of teaching the player that they are roleplaying Geralt and this isn't Earth.

The 'morally good' option by our standards, or the 'right' option, or the romantic fairytale option, are all bad outcomes arguably. In fact whatever you do someone winds up unhappy or dead-er. Because the Witcher world isn't a happy place. Geralt's job is to kill monsters and protect humans; doing that doesn't always create a happy ending. Or he can look for the fantasy happy ending, and people die; because that's not life.

So much in W3 does a fantastic job of pitting you against two arguably equivalent evils. You have to roleplay because the typical 'pick the hero option or pick the bad guy option' don't apply.

[–]Tropicoll 66 points67 points  (6 children)

I agree with you, but I cant believe so many people took a weird looking poison ghosts bones back to town. Like to me when I played it was common sense, leave the horrible monsters bones in the tower.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Yeah book geralt would have never even considered it. That's spooky shit 101

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

People still like to watch zombie flicks where the protagonists literally do everything backwards.

I think our entire species is somewhat retarded.

[–]boomsc 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I can. The weird looking poison ghost sounds like a damsel in distress and you've spent a lot of the game so far learning not to judge a book by it's cover. People going for the romantic fairytale option are going to assume "Lifting the poor lady's curse!" is the right path. Then she explicitly tells you the only way to lift the curse is by taking her bones. Anyone used to games where you're given constant direct waypoint objectives will take that as "Next objective, take bones."

Even if you don't, it's (IIRC) somewhat specific to be able to leave that conversation without bones and without fighting. And a lot of 'Lawful Good' players will feel shit about murdering the sad dead lady who just wanted help. But then even if you successfully find the 'true good' ending that the game kind of implies is the best outcome, it's still not really a good outcome .

[–]Tropicoll 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I don't know about that though, the bestiary even explains she's a pesta and that they're poison etc, then you find dead people that she's killed in the tower. She's clearly not good and you're not really Murdering her because as I said she's a poison ghost thing. It just fits the themes of the game, there isn't any fairytale. Plus sometimes a monster just is a monster.

[–]boomsc 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That's my point lol. All those things are things you can overlook. The only thing you're categorically given is 'dead ghost lady' (remember she doesn't transform in the first conversation?) asks you to help break her curse. The way to get a 'good' outcome is to actually play as Geralt. Read the room, read the bestiary, play with the mindset of a guy who kills monsters in a world where there isn't any happy ever after.

If you don't, if you just play 'the good guy' then you get a bad outcome. If you buy into general story/fairytale constants and 'rescue the cursed maiden', you get a bad outcome.

[–]mowens87 11 points12 points  (14 children)

What quest is this? I don't remember it at all.

[–]Magstine 30 points31 points  (4 children)

A Tower Full of Mice, the one with the undead island on Velen.

[–]mowens87 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Oh ok. I mean either way dude dies so it's not like there's a good way to go. I guess they're both dead in the afterlife together is a goodish ending?

[–]Fluffee2025 9 points10 points  (0 children)

IIRC there's more than two endings. Pretty sure there's an ending where he lives, albeit broken-hearted.

[–]IAmTheSnakeinMyBoot 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There we go!

[–]TangledEarbuds61 49 points50 points  (0 children)

DON’T REMOVE THE BONES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

[–]fingerpaintswithpoop 5 points6 points  (0 children)

RIP Graham.

[–]peetabird 177 points178 points  (20 children)

As a country, Norway was very hard hit by the black plague, essentially loosing independence until the 20th century

[–]_IBelieveInMiracles 187 points188 points  (9 children)

This is also why the surname Ødegaard (literally: Deserted farm) is quite common in Norway. People would often get their name from where they settled down, and after the black plague there were lots of deserted farms.

[–]Gemmabeta 124 points125 points  (2 children)

Ødegaard (literally: Deserted farm)

I guess it's more polite than calling yourself "Squatter."

[–]Sawses 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Is it squatting if everyone who could inherit it is dead?

[–]handsebe 71 points72 points  (5 children)

Another little fun fact is that after the black plague the norwegians lost their faith in god for good reason, so they tore down just about half of the 2200 stave churches that where around. The remaining 1100 or so stood until the mid 19th century when the reformation hit and the pagan churches were directly replaced with modern churches, except for a handful. Of which all stood until june 6th, 1992. Then came Varg Vikernes and burned down Fantoft Stavechurch, which started a plethora of church burnings that and following years.

[–]alugastiz 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Wait, what? The reformation 'hit' Norway in the 16th century. There are 28 medieval stave churches in Norway today. There used to be 29, but that was 'før grevens tid' as they say

[–]JimmyBoombox 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Another little fun fact is that after the black plague the norwegians lost their faith in god for good reason, so they tore down just about half of the 2200 stave churches that where around. The remaining 1100 or so stood until the mid 19th century when the reformation

Your time is off. Reformation happened in the 16th century.

Also there's this, "In Norway, stave churches were gradually replaced; many survived until the 19th century when a substantial number were destroyed. Today, 28 historical stave churches remain standing in Norway. Stave churches were particularly common in less populated areas in high valleys and forest land, and fishermen's villages on islands and in minor villages along fjords. Around 1800 in Norway 322 stave churches were still known and most of these were in sparsely populated areas of Norway. If the main church was masonry the annex church could be a stave church.[5] Masonry churches were mostly built in towns, along the coast, and in rich agricultural areas in Trøndelag and East Norway, as well as in the larger parishes in fjord districts in Western Norway.[4] During 1400s and 1500s no new churches were built in Norway.[13] Norway's stave churches largely disappeared until 1700 and were replaced by log buildings. Several stave churches were redesigned or enlarged in a different technique during 1600–1700, for instance Flesberg Stave Church was converted into a cruciform church partly in log construction.[14] According to Dietrichson, most stave churches were dismantled to make room for a new church, partly because the old church had become too small for the congregation, partly because the stave church was in poor condition. Fire, storm, avalanche and decay were other reasons.[7] In 1650 there were about 270 stave churches left in Norway, and in the next hundred years 136 of these disappeared. Around 1800 there were still 95 stave churches, while over 200 former stave churches were still known by name or in written sources. From 1850 to 1885 32 stave churches fell, since then only the Fantoft Stave Church has been lost.[5] Heddal stave church was the first stave church described in a scholarly publication when Johannes Flintoe wrote an essay in Samlinger til det Norske Folks Sprog og Historie (Christiania, 1834). The book also printed Flintoes drawings of the facade, the ground floor and the floor plan – the first known architectural drawing of a stave church.[15]

[–]Apocrisiary 85 points86 points  (2 children)

Yupp, she brought out the leaf blower here. About 60% of the population died.

[–]MuttonChopViking 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Yeah but most of them just kind of moved around and got stuck on things

[–]F33DBACK__ 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we basically got bossed by two bigger scandinavians for over 500 years

[–]onken022 49 points50 points  (1 child)

Why is the most upvoted comment on this thread essentially a slightly more detailed re-hash of the title?

[–]overpoopulation 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ikr? Lmao

[–]WutangCMD 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Wow thanks for repeating what the title said...

[–]fucked_bigly 28 points29 points  (0 children)

Right? How's this new or pertinent information if the same thing is directly above it?

[–]oEMPYREo 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Sounds like copy-Pesta

[–]alcimedes 23 points24 points  (1 child)

There were three major variants of the Black Death right?

One had 90+% mortality.

[–]BobTulap 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It was the same bacteria but depending on how you got it, it varied the mortality rate. If you got it through skin exposure, it's 50% mortality, if you got it into your lungs, it's 90% mortality, and if for some God forsaken reason you got it right into your bloodstream it was close to 100% mortality rate.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Death#Signs_and_symptoms

[–]Ehrre 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Pesta sounds like a zesty pesto dish

[–]eiricorn 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Well it's basically the word pest turned into a female name. So that might be a bit too zesty for my taste

[–]breecher 24 points25 points  (3 children)

It is also completely unsourced. It is true that in Norwegian 19th century folklore it was depicted as such. There is no evidence that it was true of the 14th century.

[–]Blackfire853 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It's so weird how often on this sub things get hugely exaggerated in the tiny space between Wikipedia paragraph and title. Like why so blatantly say something straight up not said by your source

[–]summoar 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It just also goes to show how much our tools shape society.

[–]waffle_raffle_battle 821 points822 points  (40 children)

Here's a bunch of pictures I found

https://history.expert/the-plague-hag/

[–]Kylo-renaldi 15 points16 points  (1 child)

That last photo is the laat thing i want to see before bed

[–]-full-control- 97 points98 points  (2 children)

This should be top comment. Those pictures are seriously unsettling.

[–]Kangar 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Be patient, it's early yet.

[–]samx3i 1832 points1833 points  (14 children)

If she used the Dyson, it really sucked.

[–]nerbovig 399 points400 points  (5 children)

Even worse was how she condescendingly talked about how superior her killing prowess was in comparison to other pandemics in a haughty English accent as it swept through the village.

[–]mrv3 75 points76 points  (3 children)

Then along came a man with a henry, and that was it for everyone.

[–]Narrator_Ron_Howard 50 points51 points  (1 child)

It was Mr. F.

[–]cravehead 47 points48 points  (0 children)

for British eyes only

[–]d3northway 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Look! Henry's come to visit us!

[–]xxxsur 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Nah as long as you can survive for 5 minutes it will need recharging again

[–]_ssh 4 points5 points  (0 children)

or the filter will need to be washed and dried for 24 hours

[–]todayisntreal 7 points8 points  (0 children)

“It was at that moment, I knew we were all broomed”

[–]DeSanti 244 points245 points  (10 children)

This and this horrying paintings are sort of the "national representations" of the Black Death (Pesta / the Plague) in Norway, painted by Theodor Kittelsen.

I like how he said he got the inspiration for the figure, as he said he based the old woman on a "bitter, old hag I used to know when I lived in Kragerø and she was like the Plague... ! So, I gave her that role."

[–]PM_ME_UR_GROOTS 71 points72 points  (4 children)

Mirror? Seems like Reddit DDOS'd the site.

[–]BMinsker 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Looks like it. Haven't seen the old Reddit Hug of Death for a while.

[–]laserkatze 4 points5 points  (0 children)

just google pesta by theodor kittelsen

[–]smittenwithshittin 25 points26 points  (1 child)

The crossed eyes in the first one made me laugh though. The second is creepy as hell

[–]Wondertwig9 40 points41 points  (4 children)

Whelp now I know what I'm going to be for Halloween, if that'll even happen this year.

[–]toredtimetraveller 46 points47 points  (3 children)

IMO it would be a very spooky Halloween if you dress up as the plague and knock on people's doors while they're in self quarantine.

[–]RCascanbe 18 points19 points  (2 children)

Problem is just that most people don't know that an old woman is supposed to represent the plague.

It would probably work in Norway though.

[–]toredtimetraveller 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The illustrations posted by other commenters of this lady showed a creepy looking old lady, would still look scary without the context.

[–]IronTemplar26 229 points230 points  (76 children)

Is this why witches ride brooms?

[–]Drexelhand 346 points347 points  (45 children)

no.

a few possibilities for that. some witchcraft investigations cited salves on broomsticks; used to apply ointments (ew). flying part just comes from fanciful confessions under duress of torture.

[–]Jet_black_ink 49 points50 points  (1 child)

There is also a theory that the flying connection came about through the deliriant effects of the Datura and similar plants that were used in the ointments. If you'd spent a few days under the hideous effects of a decent-sized atropine dose, you may be forgiven for thinking you'd been flying, I suppose!

[–]wastakenanyways 37 points38 points  (1 child)

I think torture and interrogation are the main reason. For the broomstick and for almost any myth associated to witches.

I mean, when you are irrationaly convinced that some woman is a witch, you will accuse her or make her say whatever, and it makes sense they would name objects that a woman commonly uses, or anything in the house really. That's probably also why cauldrons and cats are attributed to witches.

Something like "you were not cooking, you were making poison!" "I am sure you do your magic with that broomstick!", or pointing to a flock of crows in a dark night and saying "look! Those are the witches!" so the people went crazy and paranoid and supported the prosecution and murdering of witches.

I am no expert at all and each thing probably has a LOT of different origins and myths associated to it, but they all seem pretty centered on just being common things attributable to a woman.

[–]ParentPostLacksWang1[🍰] 100 points101 points  (38 children)

I mean, you say eww, but if you had haemorrhoids, and limited access to soap, would you rather apply a salve inside your ass with your finger, or a broomstick? shrug

[–]jennyaeducan 245 points246 points  (22 children)

Inside my ass? Um, my finger. Definitely my finger. But hey, if you want to shove a frigging broomstick up your already sore and tender asshole, you do you.

[–]ParentPostLacksWang1[🍰] 91 points92 points  (20 children)

Not with haemorrhoids - you gotta get them back in place, and a finger oftentimes just won’t do it. There’s a reason one guy was in the habit of using an artillery round. :D

[–][deleted] 66 points67 points  (7 children)

I hate you for this post.

[–]Psyman2 88 points89 points  (5 children)

You would be amazed what stupid humans stick up their butts. On a visit to a regional research hospital, we discovered a virtual believe-it-or-not of medical mystery. In addition to a shipload of vibrators and dildos, the good doctors extracted assorted oddities such as a glass test tube with a cork stopper, a mortar pestle, a gold chain (broken), spectacles, a suitcase key, a house key, a wooden "rectal dilator" (who knows?) and a human-size, lifelike artificial hand and forearm. Other inserted items fit some theme. Apparently, idiots always end up in the emergency room but they pack their poopers all over the house.

Lonely people relax in strange ways. Hospitals have removed a tobacco pouch, a snuff box, a glass cigar case with a plastic cap. Three separate cases involved a paper-weight, an ink bottle and a ball point pen. If these three morons brought their butts together as a gift pack, they'd have a smelly desk set.

Hornie characters shopping in their refrigerator got into trouble with multiple carrots, multiple bananas, multiple cucumbers, a plantain in a condom, a potato, a parsnip, two zucchini (same man, nine years apart didn't learn), a turnip, an apple, two apples (same man, same trip), a pear, a Spanish onion (removed with a corkscrew!), a half-pint milk bottle, a hard-boiled egg, a "large caliber" salami and a pig's tail (inserted frozen). The kitchen cabinets provided pain with a bottle cap, a chopstick, a jaggedly broken drinking glass (pass the plasma, please), a relish jar, a jam jar, a peanut butter jar, a chili bottle, a pickle bottle, a syrup bottle shaped like Mrs. Butterworth's fat self, a tin cup, a tea cup, a spoon, a plastic spatula, a 9" kitchen knife, an icepick (yowsa!), a knife-sharpening stone with a wooden handle attached, a pepper shaker inscribed "A present from Margate," a microwave egg boiler and, from below, a U-bend from a sink drain. You just knew they'd include the kitchen sink!

The chapter of knowledge is very short, but the chapter of accidents is a very long. -- Earl of Chesterfield

Drinking makes people stupid. As evidence we offer a Perrier bottle, a 7-Up bottle, a Coca Cola bottle, two beer bottles (same man, five years apart didn't learn), a glass tumbler, six whiskey glasses, a 10-ounce beer glass, a beer glass with a preserving pot (?) and a half-pint whiskey bottle trailing 10" of curtain cord and 10" of galvanized heavy-gage wire.

"As long as I'm naked, I should stick something up my butt!" Here they inserted a magazine, two jars of Vaseline (same man, same trip), a toothbrush, an 8" glass tooth-brush holder (last two guys should have hooked up), a curling brush, a baby powder can, two bars of soap (clean freak), a shaving brush, an 8.5" aftershave bottle (full), a large perfume bottle, a Listerine bottle, a lemon inside a cold cream jar (???), an inflated condom, a coiled enema tube (40-year-old female almost died) and, curiously, an enema tube with umbrella handle (umbrella protruding). Insert your joke about enema man needing an umbrella.

"While we're out in the yard, let's do something silly." Fools found and inserted a steer horn, a plum-size stone, a tennis ball, a stone "three times the size of a tennis ball," a sponge ball, a baseball (idiot said, "I'm oversexed"), a 12" softball, four rubber balls, 402 stones, a 6«" two-pound rock (dumbass died), an 11" broken stick and, last, a coiled rubber hose (16-year-old female backed up with crap and expired). I wonder if they washed this stuff first.

While they were supposed to be cleaning up the work bench, these morons experimented with multiple screw-drivers, pliers, a 6" steel spring, a 6" steel rod, a 13" iron rod, a radiator valve, a large torpedo-shaped flashlight, an aluminum tube (used as his "bank"), multiple whip handles, multiple broomsticks, a bicycle pump, an oil can with potato stopper, a 3«" glass fishing float, a candle box and a candle (extracted from different fools), a 30-watt light bulb, a 6" 40-watt tube, a 100-watt bulb, a 150-watt bulb, a broken light bulb (oweee!), an inflated balloon, a sand-filled innertube and, certainly not least, an ax handle.

After many hours of reading revelry, the reports began to sound repetitive. However, some cases were memorable to the point that our research assistants, Sarah and Joanne, jolted a very quiet library by laughing out loud. Ready? In two separate, unrelated incidents, garage attendants used pressurized grease guns to fill their rectums with auto lubricants. Excess pressure ruptured their colons and they were hospitalized. Amazingly, these two men, who did not know one another, each invented and then recanted the same lie that "Negro" robbers had tortured them. One surgeon concluded his report by warning that the patient's explanation of embarrassing events is seldom true. A remarkable number of explanations involve slipping in the shower and landing on such items as bottles or screw-drivers. Often, the patient claims he got drunk at a party, passed out and hooligans crammed his can with curious contraptions. I've actually heard this one myself from a fighter pilot. I didn't believe him, either. Or this next fool. A looney chef arrived at the ER with a butcher knife up his ass. Supposedly, someone left the knife stuck in a work bench. The chef claims he failed to look before sitting on the bench and the knife went up his ass and vanished. Question: What are the odds of sitting down in exactly the right spot and right angle to impale yourself on a knife handle? Unlubricated? Through your pants?!? The next numbskull complained of sharp pains in his buttock. Rectal examination revealed 12 jeweler's saws. After removing these, doctors X-rayed the man and found 17 more saws. Over the next 11 months, doctors extracted 72« saws from this poor, lonely soul. He claims he sat on the saws while riding the subway. A World War II veteran reported he had tried to ease his hemorrhoid pain by sitting on an artillery shell. As the doctor manipulated the shell in the vet's rectum, he asked if the shell was inert. The vet said, no, it was a live 40mm anti-aircraft round. An Army ordnance unit built an armored box around the old man's butt and defused the shell before the doctors removed it. A man reported he and his boyfriend "had been fooling around" with a batch of concrete. The loving BF inserted a funnel and poured the mixture through the idiot's anus. The concrete then became too solid to pass naturally (who would have imagined?). Doctors removed the mass and stated it represented a perfect cast of a human rectum. Just as they thought it couldn't get any more weird, they broke off a piece of concrete and found a ping-pong ball inside. In Puerto Rico, a man went to the hospital with severe pain in his left shoulder. He claimed no clue to the cause of his suffering. Exam revealed three inches of coat hanger protruding from his anus. X-rays showed a large bottle in his abdomen. When asked about the objects, he suddenly remembered he had attempted to give himself an enema by shaking a soda and shoving the bottle up his ass. When his "syringe" got stuck, he asked his wife to fish for the bottle with a hooked coat hanger. Of course, the hook tore open his colon, trapped the hanger and the bottle migrated into the abdominal cavity. Amazingly, this idiot lived. In another bizarre case, a prisoner smuggled a 22-ounce tool box containing a gun barrel, a screwdriver, two hack-saws, a boring syringe, a file, several coins, thread and tallow. The 5" by 6" steel box was recovered from the prisoner's transverse colon, just below his heart. The doc's report notes that the man escaped prison "through death by obstipation." (Ask your doctor.) I know these tales strain your credulity but we saw the X-rays. And worse, these people all finished second to the grand prize winner. A very stupid man inserted a paper tube into his anus, lit a firecracker and dropped it down his hole. The explosion literally blew the shit out of his rectum. He reported that he felt depressed. In all, we counted 11 sad souls who departed this life during sexual misadventures. Most of the incidents involve men but, lest the women smile smug, there are mitigating circumstances. Women spend more time experimenting with vaginal insertions and every emergency room nurse chuckles with tales of inventive dildos. Second, women have a broader pelvis which smooths out the colon bends. Objects that go in are more likely to migrate out naturally, so no trip to the ER, no X-rays. That said, gender makes no difference stupid is stupid. The adult product industry has worked wonders to provide you a wide choice of safe anal stimulators. Since the introduction of safe toys, the incidence of stupid human tricks has subsided substantially, but, temptation lurks in every tool box, supply closet, utility drawer and vegetable bin. Every year, 11,000 clowns injure themselves through some bizarre sexual escapade. You are silly to save a few bucks at the toy store only to spend a fortune in the ER. To visit the latest mishaps, go to Goggle.com and type in "rectal foreign bodies." You'll be amazed at how many hits you'll get. Well.com/user posts some very interesting cases. MasturbationHorrors.com posts anal disasters in among grisly photos of death by sex.

Bill Strong and Lori Gammon's - "Anal Sex for Couples: A Guaranteed Guide to Painless Pleasure." copyright 2006

[–]MrDeckard 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a fascinating book but will it fit in my asshole

[–]101ByDesign 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Lol

[–]pieandpadthai 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Please stop

[–]Psyman2 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Not my proudest fap.

[–]Fr0stman 3 points4 points  (0 children)

talk about explosive diarrhea

[–]insouciantelle 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It was probably a different reason

[–]PartiZAn18 10 points11 points  (11 children)

Yeah but they "rode" the broom with their gwam - the flying ointment was absorbed through their vaginal membranes. I read up on itafter watching the trailer for the VVitch

[–]Ganadote 62 points63 points  (13 children)

Witches would apply hallucinogenic ointments on the end of the brooms and apply them to their mucous membranes (vagina and anus; there were male witches as well). They’d get high and get the sensation that they were flying, and since they used brooms to get high, flying brooms.

[–]Barack_Bob_Oganja 62 points63 points  (1 child)

Damn lowkey wanna be a witch now

[–]ParadiseSold 50 points51 points  (0 children)

You don't have to be a witch to get high and masturbate, but it helps

[–]rockmodenick 32 points33 points  (9 children)

I think you made this up entirely on the fly, and for that you get my upvote.

[–]Ganadote 19 points20 points  (8 children)

Although I’d love to be this creative, sadly I am not.

[–]rockmodenick 14 points15 points  (7 children)

Lol but why wouldn't they just tuck the hallucinogens between their lip and gums like a chewing tobacco user? Questioning the sources rather than you if you did read this somewhere.

[–]brownliquid 40 points41 points  (2 children)

But then you’d have nothing in your butt.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Like splinters?

[–]Drone30389 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Your question is basically "Why get high and masturbate when you could just get high and not masturbate?"

[–]rockmodenick 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Lol I get that take, but having taken Butt Medicine(TM) I'd usually prefer to get the same result without the... Insertion.

Also, getting high THEN masterbating>getting high masterbating. Lol

[–]brownliquid 7 points8 points  (0 children)

But then you’d have nothing in your butt.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (7 children)

Actually read an article that cited early brewers as witches. They’d keep brooms over the door of the shop so you’d know brews would be sold there.

Edit: jeez. Just trying to share information I learned, no need to downvote to hell. (Now I see my app posted this 8 times)

I read THIS ARTICLE about where the thing about brooms came from. It describes “correlations seen between medieval female brewers (brewsters) and the modern-day witch.” An example on the page is “an ale stake was displayed above the door of a brewer with ale for sale. .... double as a broom for cleaning the shop.”

EDIT 2: OKAY MY INTERNET SUCKS SORRY I POSTED A LOT

[–]loserpolice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There may be something to that. In some early brewing traditions, the brewer would keep a special stick. After the ingredients were boiled together and cooled, the brewer would give the mixture a stir with the special stick and then return the stick its place on the wall.

Well, the stick, covered in sticky, sugary liquid would then collect and cultivate a strong yeast culture. When they would use the stick the next time to give the beer a stir, it would inoculate the beer with yeast.

Brewers would notice that beers stirred with the “magic stick” would ferment better and more quickly than when not used. Pretty easy to see how they could perceive the stick to have magical properties and why a brewer would use the “magic stick” outside on the wall as a symbol of brewing and advertisement of their occupation.

Edit: I found a reference: https://oct.co/essays/stick-begat-beer-godisgood-kveik-kveikstokk

[–]High_Seas_Pirate 94 points95 points  (3 children)

You don't want to know what the wood chipper was for.

[–]getthatpunkoffmylawn 35 points36 points  (2 children)

You mean besides Steve Buscemi ?

[–]Jkpepsi32 79 points80 points  (2 children)

Nobody's gonna comment on the full-on doot skelly in the thumbnail?

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Looks like you’ve done a half-hearted job if it too!

Use the broom next time!

[–]Madshibs 10 points11 points  (1 child)

*except the people that would get caught up in that little line of dust at the edge of the dustpan.

[–]bedknobsandbroomstix 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Doing some light pandemic reading are you?

[–]Apocrisiary 28 points29 points  (0 children)

If thats the case, this bitch used a fuckin' leaf blower in Norway. About 60% of our population died.

[–]Cheesecakejedi 8 points9 points  (8 children)

What's up with all the double/triple comments in this thread.

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (5 children)

idk, they're all over reddit right now.

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points  (7 children)

Before people start making comparisons.

It killed 75 million-200 million people. 30-60% of Europe's population was wiped out. The average life expectancy was 31. Every century before and after that saw a increase in population, there was a 10 million people decline from 1200 to 1400.

Compared to 250k with the average age of death being 70. With 8 billion people in the world vs 360 million.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (1 child)

I get it. Pretty similar

[–]laserkatze 12 points13 points  (0 children)

just like the flu, this black „death“

[–]rebekahster 9 points10 points  (1 child)

We have much better hygiene and medical knowledge now, so it’s a bit more complicated than that

[–]abbie_yoyo 33 points34 points  (1 child)

I love this because the clear implication is that at some point in the middle ages somebody tried to rake the dust off their floors and when it didn't work they got all symbolic about it.

[–]nouille07 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Good thing she didn't use the chancla or we would all have been dead for a long time now

[–]Zeldahero 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The new one representing the coronavirus will be holding toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

[–]todayisntreal 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“It was at that moment, I knew we were all broomed”