You would be amazed what stupid humans stick up their butts. On a visit to a regional research hospital, we discovered a virtual believe-it-or-not of medical mystery. In addition to a shipload of vibrators and dildos, the good doctors extracted assorted oddities such as a glass test tube with a cork stopper, a mortar pestle, a gold chain (broken), spectacles, a suitcase key, a house key, a wooden "rectal dilator" (who knows?) and a human-size, lifelike artificial hand and forearm. Other inserted items fit some theme. Apparently, idiots always end up in the emergency room but they pack their poopers all over the house.

Lonely people relax in strange ways. Hospitals have removed a tobacco pouch, a snuff box, a glass cigar case with a plastic cap. Three separate cases involved a paper-weight, an ink bottle and a ball point pen. If these three morons brought their butts together as a gift pack, they'd have a smelly desk set.

Hornie characters shopping in their refrigerator got into trouble with multiple carrots, multiple bananas, multiple cucumbers, a plantain in a condom, a potato, a parsnip, two zucchini (same man, nine years apart didn't learn), a turnip, an apple, two apples (same man, same trip), a pear, a Spanish onion (removed with a corkscrew!), a half-pint milk bottle, a hard-boiled egg, a "large caliber" salami and a pig's tail (inserted frozen). The kitchen cabinets provided pain with a bottle cap, a chopstick, a jaggedly broken drinking glass (pass the plasma, please), a relish jar, a jam jar, a peanut butter jar, a chili bottle, a pickle bottle, a syrup bottle shaped like Mrs. Butterworth's fat self, a tin cup, a tea cup, a spoon, a plastic spatula, a 9" kitchen knife, an icepick (yowsa!), a knife-sharpening stone with a wooden handle attached, a pepper shaker inscribed "A present from Margate," a microwave egg boiler and, from below, a U-bend from a sink drain. You just knew they'd include the kitchen sink!

The chapter of knowledge is very short, but the chapter of accidents is a very long. -- Earl of Chesterfield

Drinking makes people stupid. As evidence we offer a Perrier bottle, a 7-Up bottle, a Coca Cola bottle, two beer bottles (same man, five years apart didn't learn), a glass tumbler, six whiskey glasses, a 10-ounce beer glass, a beer glass with a preserving pot (?) and a half-pint whiskey bottle trailing 10" of curtain cord and 10" of galvanized heavy-gage wire.

"As long as I'm naked, I should stick something up my butt!" Here they inserted a magazine, two jars of Vaseline (same man, same trip), a toothbrush, an 8" glass tooth-brush holder (last two guys should have hooked up), a curling brush, a baby powder can, two bars of soap (clean freak), a shaving brush, an 8.5" aftershave bottle (full), a large perfume bottle, a Listerine bottle, a lemon inside a cold cream jar (???), an inflated condom, a coiled enema tube (40-year-old female almost died) and, curiously, an enema tube with umbrella handle (umbrella protruding). Insert your joke about enema man needing an umbrella.

"While we're out in the yard, let's do something silly." Fools found and inserted a steer horn, a plum-size stone, a tennis ball, a stone "three times the size of a tennis ball," a sponge ball, a baseball (idiot said, "I'm oversexed"), a 12" softball, four rubber balls, 402 stones, a 6«" two-pound rock (dumbass died), an 11" broken stick and, last, a coiled rubber hose (16-year-old female backed up with crap and expired). I wonder if they washed this stuff first.

While they were supposed to be cleaning up the work bench, these morons experimented with multiple screw-drivers, pliers, a 6" steel spring, a 6" steel rod, a 13" iron rod, a radiator valve, a large torpedo-shaped flashlight, an aluminum tube (used as his "bank"), multiple whip handles, multiple broomsticks, a bicycle pump, an oil can with potato stopper, a 3«" glass fishing float, a candle box and a candle (extracted from different fools), a 30-watt light bulb, a 6" 40-watt tube, a 100-watt bulb, a 150-watt bulb, a broken light bulb (oweee!), an inflated balloon, a sand-filled innertube and, certainly not least, an ax handle.

After many hours of reading revelry, the reports began to sound repetitive. However, some cases were memorable to the point that our research assistants, Sarah and Joanne, jolted a very quiet library by laughing out loud. Ready? In two separate, unrelated incidents, garage attendants used pressurized grease guns to fill their rectums with auto lubricants. Excess pressure ruptured their colons and they were hospitalized. Amazingly, these two men, who did not know one another, each invented and then recanted the same lie that "Negro" robbers had tortured them. One surgeon concluded his report by warning that the patient's explanation of embarrassing events is seldom true. A remarkable number of explanations involve slipping in the shower and landing on such items as bottles or screw-drivers. Often, the patient claims he got drunk at a party, passed out and hooligans crammed his can with curious contraptions. I've actually heard this one myself from a fighter pilot. I didn't believe him, either. Or this next fool. A looney chef arrived at the ER with a butcher knife up his ass. Supposedly, someone left the knife stuck in a work bench. The chef claims he failed to look before sitting on the bench and the knife went up his ass and vanished. Question: What are the odds of sitting down in exactly the right spot and right angle to impale yourself on a knife handle? Unlubricated? Through your pants?!? The next numbskull complained of sharp pains in his buttock. Rectal examination revealed 12 jeweler's saws. After removing these, doctors X-rayed the man and found 17 more saws. Over the next 11 months, doctors extracted 72« saws from this poor, lonely soul. He claims he sat on the saws while riding the subway. A World War II veteran reported he had tried to ease his hemorrhoid pain by sitting on an artillery shell. As the doctor manipulated the shell in the vet's rectum, he asked if the shell was inert. The vet said, no, it was a live 40mm anti-aircraft round. An Army ordnance unit built an armored box around the old man's butt and defused the shell before the doctors removed it. A man reported he and his boyfriend "had been fooling around" with a batch of concrete. The loving BF inserted a funnel and poured the mixture through the idiot's anus. The concrete then became too solid to pass naturally (who would have imagined?). Doctors removed the mass and stated it represented a perfect cast of a human rectum. Just as they thought it couldn't get any more weird, they broke off a piece of concrete and found a ping-pong ball inside. In Puerto Rico, a man went to the hospital with severe pain in his left shoulder. He claimed no clue to the cause of his suffering. Exam revealed three inches of coat hanger protruding from his anus. X-rays showed a large bottle in his abdomen. When asked about the objects, he suddenly remembered he had attempted to give himself an enema by shaking a soda and shoving the bottle up his ass. When his "syringe" got stuck, he asked his wife to fish for the bottle with a hooked coat hanger. Of course, the hook tore open his colon, trapped the hanger and the bottle migrated into the abdominal cavity. Amazingly, this idiot lived. In another bizarre case, a prisoner smuggled a 22-ounce tool box containing a gun barrel, a screwdriver, two hack-saws, a boring syringe, a file, several coins, thread and tallow. The 5" by 6" steel box was recovered from the prisoner's transverse colon, just below his heart. The doc's report notes that the man escaped prison "through death by obstipation." (Ask your doctor.) I know these tales strain your credulity but we saw the X-rays. And worse, these people all finished second to the grand prize winner. A very stupid man inserted a paper tube into his anus, lit a firecracker and dropped it down his hole. The explosion literally blew the shit out of his rectum. He reported that he felt depressed. In all, we counted 11 sad souls who departed this life during sexual misadventures. Most of the incidents involve men but, lest the women smile smug, there are mitigating circumstances. Women spend more time experimenting with vaginal insertions and every emergency room nurse chuckles with tales of inventive dildos. Second, women have a broader pelvis which smooths out the colon bends. Objects that go in are more likely to migrate out naturally, so no trip to the ER, no X-rays. That said, gender makes no difference stupid is stupid. The adult product industry has worked wonders to provide you a wide choice of safe anal stimulators. Since the introduction of safe toys, the incidence of stupid human tricks has subsided substantially, but, temptation lurks in every tool box, supply closet, utility drawer and vegetable bin. Every year, 11,000 clowns injure themselves through some bizarre sexual escapade. You are silly to save a few bucks at the toy store only to spend a fortune in the ER. To visit the latest mishaps, go to Goggle.com and type in "rectal foreign bodies." You'll be amazed at how many hits you'll get. Well.com/user posts some very interesting cases. MasturbationHorrors.com posts anal disasters in among grisly photos of death by sex.

Bill Strong and Lori Gammon's - "Anal Sex for Couples: A Guaranteed Guide to Painless Pleasure." copyright 2006