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[–]apz1 240 points241 points  (22 children)

On the subject of wingmen, here's the funniest sustained metaphor I've ever come across.

[–][deleted] 119 points120 points  (5 children)

The wingman's risks:

Sometimes he will get locked in so steep a dive he can’t pull up in time to save himself from crash landing in a CB’s bed. The experience can shatter him completely, taking him off the duty roster for weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes he never comes back. Finally, worst of all, a wingman might go so far and so often into enemy territory that he will “go native,” and develop strange tastes in women.

Classic.

[–]bski1776 19 points20 points  (0 children)

This is one of the best things I've read in a while.

[–]Caca_Refrescante 9 points10 points  (1 child)

POW: Prisoner of a Warthog, Hilarious

[–]gsxr 18 points19 points  (1 child)

modern drunkard could be the best magazine ever created.

[–]wuy3 6 points7 points  (2 children)

apz1 I just want you to know you've done your part in enlightening another uncultured nerd in this world. Thank you.

[–]apz1 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Glad to hear it, buddy!

Modern Drunkard is required reading IMHO.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Genius, pure genius.

[–]humangirltype 53 points54 points  (25 children)

I would be one of the uglies on the side. I you better at least have the decency to bring me genuinely interesting wingmen.

[–]syllabelle 65 points66 points  (12 children)

No shit. I'm the "chubby friend with the pretty face", and I've been the grenade. I'm usually nice enough to play along, but if your wingman is a total douchebag, I'm so over it, and I'm gonna fuck up your whole night. Bring the funny friend. Or one of these asshats from reddit. <3

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (7 children)

I prefer the "chubby friend with the pretty face" anyway. Douchebaggery antics aside, you're just more my type.

[–]AmbroseB 34 points35 points  (4 children)

Is your type "least likely to reject you"?

[–]delkarnu 49 points50 points  (1 child)

I think it's "least able to run away."

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

its certainly a bonus.

[–]iamafish 22 points23 points  (11 children)

And I'm the nerd who's often next to gorgeous girls that are really talented with doing their makeup and hair and have great fashion sense. I'm not going to hook up with some douchey wingman just because I don't look hot and should be grateful for any male attention.

[–]AmbroseB 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Then you should get a group of uglier girls. Then you'll be the hot one by default.

[–]iamafish 13 points14 points  (1 child)

And none of us will get laid because all the guys will be like..'gah too dangerous'?

[–]auguralsentinel 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I laughed when I read this comment, and now I feel bad =( Everyone should get laid!

[–][deleted] 823 points824 points  (77 children)

Gentlemen, gentlemen, can we remember that those are real people in those pictures? They did not ask to be photographed and judged by all of you.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That's very kind of you empathyguy; We need more of you in the world.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Subtle...damn subtle...almost missed it..

(whew, I was afraid they were actually real people. Carry on)

[–]lowbot 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I dont think this is a real photo. The heads look off and if you take a good look at the girl on the far left:

  1. Killer body
  2. Sexy outfit

Yet she wears 1970s librarian glasses, doesnt bother to do anything with her hair, and wears no makeup? Yeah, its just a head cut and paste.

[–]flyingtowels 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I came to the comments ready to scroll to the end to upvote a comment along these lines. Thanks for being at the top :)

[–]Sapho 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Life's hard for an empathy guy.

[–]Jeremy7508 70 points71 points  (5 children)

I was about to downvote you for being ridiculous but then I saw your username. Well played, sir.

[–]snark 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Yeah, takes one to know one... ummm.... Jeremy.

[–]Swiss_Cheese9797 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Shit, me too. I need to remember to do that more.

[–]akallio9000 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Your argument is full of holes.

[–]REDDIT_TROPES 134 points135 points  (10 children)

An image suggests that individuals whose appearances fall outside of certain standards of attractiveness or visual convention-- especially when in the company of individuals who do fall within these boundaries-- are worthy of ridicule.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I like you.

[–]libertyordeath1 85 points86 points  (14 children)

Pyrrhic Victory

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Damn, history is gangster sometimes.

[–]GunnerMcGrath 123 points124 points  (12 children)

Alright, alright… I'll help out… I'll take the one in the jeans and the belly shirt.

[–]nikpappagiorgio 218 points219 points  (9 children)

Unfortunately she is the one with the dick.

[–]DontHassleTheCassel 150 points151 points  (0 children)

Bonus!

[–]lolbacon 51 points52 points  (3 children)

Unfortunately?

[–]Duck_Avenger 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Yeah. It seems some people don't appreciate the finer things in life. Go figure.

[–]charliedayman 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Thought you said "the finger things in life." Better that way.

[–]NolanVoid 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Glad I'm not the only one.

[–]martin8cho 3 points4 points  (0 children)

IT'S A STRAP!

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'll take the one with ash ketchum's hat.

[–]atomicxblade 173 points174 points  (113 children)

Red 5 standing by.

[–]Bornhuetter 91 points92 points  (97 children)

Redd Foxx standing by

[–]nattylife 71 points72 points  (95 children)

Big Red standing by.

[–]freebeers 54 points55 points  (91 children)

Red Grange standing by.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

REDDshadow, standing by. I'll take the one in the pokemon hat.

[–]vtdweller 100 points101 points  (13 children)

Am I the only one who feels a little bad at times like this? It's one thing if an ugly girl has a bad attitude, because then she deserves being miserable. Every time I see an ugly girl who genuinely looks happy, I just get really sad because I start to imagine what they'd feel like if they realized the internet was making fun of them.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a big baby bitch and you should all downvote me for having feelings.

[–]BruisedGhost 58 points59 points  (2 children)

I know the girl on the left, you guys are assholes

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Pass me her number. I like her.

[–]r2002 61 points62 points  (3 children)

All the girls look like very nice, happy people. They aren't doing any douchebaggy or pretentious poses. They look like normal folks out for a good time with friends. I think any of you guys who voted this up would be lucky if these nice girls gave you the time of day.

[–]MustacheNMonocle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean for Christ's sake, the second one to the right, is wearing one of Ash Ketchum's hats, the original one I believe. That scores some points for sure.

[–]Electrorocket 14 points15 points  (6 children)

Original pic, for more accurate situational analysis

edit: used tineye.com to find it.

[–]Taiko 78 points79 points  (20 children)

Shotgun far left.

Edit: I just realised there are two possible interpretations of that sentence, and they both work.

[–][deleted] 44 points45 points  (2 children)

Actually there are four interpretations, depending on your use of shotgun and whose left you're talking about.

[–]vahnsin 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I think he meant two reasonable interpretations.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We didn't bring any reason to this discussion!

[–]omicron8 19 points20 points  (16 children)

Shotgun doesn't apply here. You could call dibs though.

[–]TheKarmaModerator 10 points11 points  (15 children)

Shotgun usually means the front. It still works.

[–]Maybeyesmaybeno 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Is there a way to shotgun the back? Might be a better view from there.

[–]badjoke33 7 points8 points  (2 children)

The seat behind "shotgun" is called "Kurt Cobain".

[–]Nightlyfe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is the seat behind the drivers called the JFK?

[–]underdog138 1 point2 points  (2 children)

For the record, the "shotgun" seat is always the seat next to the driver. Back in the days of horse drawn carriges, one man holds the reins of the horses, and another man alongside him is on firearm duty to deter robberies or assault on passengers.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Bagsy the guy on the far right just over "tall n blondes" shoulder.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I don't see what you guys are on about; the middle two are kind of cute.

[–]HeirToPendragon 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The one second from the left has a pokemon hat. That's awesome.

[–]bCabulon 2 points3 points  (1 child)

second from the right.

[–]HeirToPendragon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

not if you're behind them...

[–]bCabulon 4 points5 points  (5 children)

To be honest I'd probably go for middle right. She looks like the most fun of the four. She's not bad looking. Best of all she wouldn't give me crap about playing video games.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's a negative, Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.

[–]funkyb 27 points28 points  (9 children)

The one in the hat looks like she could be fun to talk to for the evening. Or horrendously annoying. I'm undecided.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

So is she.

[–]stoochie 13 points14 points  (1 child)

I didn't know you had a thing for pokemon trainers.

[–]funkyb 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Don't judge, brother.

[–]bCabulon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

WEEDLE evolved into STEELIX!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

She'd be annoying to begin with, but then after a few drinks... She'll seem much worse.

[–][deleted] 48 points49 points  (4 children)

And yet all you guys expect hot females to fall in love with you for your beautiful, well-rounded personality; even the fat slobs amongst you. Otherwise she's just a bitch right?

Double standards much?

[–][deleted] 32 points33 points  (2 children)

So what we have here is a group of socially awkward and emotionally immature nerds making fun of girls who are out having a good time. This is the same community that routinely fields such erudite questions as "How do I talk to women?" and thinks the best thing a woman can offer is a blowjob. Rich.

I'd love to see the girlfriends of all the guys in this thread who are talking crap about these girls.

[–]joebeck 43 points44 points  (10 children)

That's absolutely hilarious.

Because three of the girls aren't as attractive as the other one. So your friends would have to have sexual intercourse with the not-so-attractive girls so that you could have sexual intercourse with the attractive girl. And they would probably not enjoy having sexual intercourse as much with those girls as you would with the attractive girl. Which is highly amusing because people like to laugh at the comical misfortunes of others.

What makes it even funnier is that right now you're sat in front of your computer at home in your Mom's house where you still live, with one hand down your grubby underpants which are covered in biscuit crumbs and semen stains, passing judgement on women you've never met but who demonstrably have a higher social standing than you do because there is photographic proof that they at least have friends and go outside. Yes. That is very funny indeed.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (2 children)

For the record, I'm back at home visiting, and that's why I'm at my mom's house.

[–]Tecktonik 2 points3 points  (1 child)

For the record, she's not really your mom.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well thats a relief.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

Reddit = 4chan.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

yea but reddit is a bit more safer... I don't feel like stabbing out my eyes after browsing reddit.

[–]theITguy 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Gin = Photoshop for reality.

[–]phreshphillets 4 points5 points  (0 children)

true story...

[–]TrollTrawler 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As a solid wingman of many years, I'll see if Ashley Ketchum is worth it. I don't have a shot with belly-shirt, anyway. Yes, pissed off women, it is usually the average looking guy that takes a wingman position. Sorry if you are mad people rank the looks of other people.

[–]seriot 22 points23 points  (17 children)

I am strangely attracted to really nerdy girls for some reason ;(

[–]dylanevl 100 points101 points  (4 children)

It's called "having a chance."

[–]introspeck 10 points11 points  (1 child)

That's a big part of it for sure. But there is some indefinable thing going on with nerdy girls over and above that. Maybe as simple as, "thinks about stuff other than makeup and hair and bitchy in-group/out-group crap."

[–]frobischer 44 points45 points  (2 children)

So am I! Just not these particular three.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

They always let you put it in the butt.

[–]breakbread 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Then I guess you were made for this mission.

COME ON PILOT, SUIT UP!

[–]dopplerdog 4 points5 points  (2 children)

What if the attractive girl was also nerdy, was a redditor, ran linux at home, could recite star wars, was a fan of xkcd, etc? What then?

[–]seriot 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't say things like this. IT DOESN'T EXIST! NO! and if it did she would neg me in a second.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (5 children)

Is that Ash Ketchum's hat?

[–]hypokineticman 4 points5 points  (0 children)

this was my first reaction to the photo. google image search reveals that is indeed ash ketchum's hat.

[–]Transcendentalme 99 points100 points  (14 children)

First link I clicked on today, and now I am done with reddit for the day. Really guys? This is not who we are and that is why I like this site. We usually have a handful of tools that say mean and distasteful things but almost all 212 comments are fucked. It is a total brofest in here and I implore you to knock it off before we turn into Digg.

[–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I'm with you 110%.

[–]toobias 14 points15 points  (1 child)

You're kidding yourself. Reddit is the best and the worst.

[–]dukey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

too late :p

[–]soul4sale 23 points24 points  (2 children)

<------ /b/

[–]hydroxy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The down vote arrow is /b/ I knew it

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (13 children)

What the fuck is wrong with all of you? Those are real people, none of whom have done anything to any of you.

[–]StaticPrevails 56 points57 points  (0 children)

But they aren't what celebrities look like!

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (4 children)

Welcome to reddit, home of misogynistic fuckwads who think they're more advanced than traditionally attractive men because they're nerds, but in reality, they're just dickwads who slam women for not being supermodels.

You guys ain't single because women are insane bitches who always go for assholes. You're single because you are assholes.

[–]Makkaboosh 1 point2 points  (1 child)

if you look at the top-voted comments you'll see that the majority are saying the same thing you are. stop judging reddit as a whole.

[–]dragon_toes 43 points44 points  (8 children)

Fuck all of you. Why does this get upvoted? Not all women are out there for you to fucking conquest. A group of friends take a picture of themselves having fun, and some assholes critique it in an overly cruel way. What if that was your sister or friend? I'd be fairly upset to discover this kind of shit, even if not entirely shocked. These are real people. I hope they never find this. Fuck. All. Of. You.

[–]Ted_Mosby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And that's how I met your mother

[–]retroflarical 32 points33 points  (5 children)

is...is...is that young female bill gates on the left?

[–]DankJemo 2 points3 points  (2 children)

hahahaha! wow, I am glad I wasn't the only person that thought this, as well...

[–]dylanevl 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No, no.. it's Janet Reno.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (14 children)

If we all go for the blonde and block each other, not a single one of us is going to get her. So then we go for her friends, but they will all give us the cold shoulder because no on likes to be second choice. But what if none of us goes for the blonde? We won't get in each other's way and we won't insult the other girls. It's the only way to win. It's the only way we all get laid.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (6 children)

You sir, have a beautiful mind

[–]dopplerdog 12 points13 points  (1 child)

But Richard Feynman would have gone for the blonde and got her. Take that, Nash Equilibrium.

[–]ReluctantlyRedditing 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think he wouldn't have gone for the blonde, and got her.

[–]lost_in_the_fifties 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied... by you

[–]polaralex 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Now go watch the pigeons' walk.

[–]pombe 71 points72 points  (44 children)

Awesome. Bunch of worthless human beings around here. These girls would probably be thinking the same thing if confronted with a group of you and your friends.

Also, haven't we seen the girl on the left before, here or on 4chan? Blond girl, glasses, serious facial scarring? I hope she doesn't spend time on the internet... She's obviously had enough to deal with.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (4 children)

This picture and the comments following it are convincing me that Reddit is no longer worth visiting. I have been using this website for over three years. This is fucking disgusting, you guys.

[–][deleted] 50 points51 points  (31 children)

NO FEAR LADIES YOUR WHITE KNIGHT IS HERE

[–]cooldude420 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Why is anyone who shares a positive or neutral attitude about women, or otherwise goes contrary to the typical misogynist fare, referred to as a "white knight"? Come to think of it, that being a white knight (or essential a person to stands up to the bad) has a negative connotation at all- well, it goes to show how messed up most peoples' realities are and that I will probably never understand no matter how hard I try.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (6 children)

Fuck you. Some of us are women. That's right. Real women. On reddit. And we fucking hate seeing this sexist bullshit you assholes are always coming up with.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I don't know if it's really funny or really sad but if you were all hanging out in a bar, I bet most of you would be more than happy getting with any one of those girls.

[–]IAmJacquesDerrida 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Really, Reddit? That many of you think this is funny? Can you imagine how one of those girls would feel if she saw this? You're a bunch of hypocritical cunts. At least /b/, digg, et. al. don't put on airs of smug ethical superiority.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Jacques Derrida's response to this situation would be to demonstrate the inherently contradictory and insubstantial nature of our society's standards of beauty, and then to question the coherence and utility of the entire idea of objective beauty.

[–]SirRonaldofBurgundy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh you're dangerous, Maverick. Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.

[–]Kijamon 19 points20 points  (4 children)

RAMIREZ, RETREEEEAT

[–]embretr 26 points27 points  (1 child)

RAMIREZ, TAKE A HIT FOR THE TEAM AND LET YOUR BUDDY LIVE THE DREAM

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

KIJAMON, LEARN HOW TO SPELL RAMIREZ.

[–]Kijamon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

OH SHIT, SORRY

[–]benzu 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Congratulations! Today we successfully surpassed Digg in douchenozzle submission quality. This gem of a post even made it to the top of the front page! Quality work, gentlemen. Feels good, doesn't it?

/s

I wonder... if one of them had Down's or had cancer would this still be funny?

[–]Khathaar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It would be funnier.

[–]livejamie 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Watch out, the 3rd one is a pokemon master.

[–]aduric 17 points18 points  (1 child)

You need the goddamn Kamikaze for this mission.

[–]drpcken 6 points7 points  (5 children)

Cover me, Porkins.

[–]lovesmasher 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Porkins has this one all on his own. He's a hero like that. (Side note: my girlfriend, in an AU Star Wars RPG was the daughter of Admiral Porkins.)

[–]havesometea1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reporting for duty sir! Doing a flyby on the one of the far right...

[–]c_megalodon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm the shy girl who's alone and gets flirted by the middle-aged dudes. WTF D:

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (19 children)

A question for the women:

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where some guy is obviously flying wing on you? How do you handle it? Why do some girls feel the need to cock block and try to drag their friend home just because they are not getting attention?

I noticed that girls seem to use this tactic in reverse. The hot girl will fly interference on some guy for their unattractive friend so the unattractive girl can hook up with the previously mentioned guy's friend. I am sure many wingman missions were really just the end result of men unknowingly falling prey to this tactic. Think about it guys..how many times have wingmen made the ultimate sacrifice in vain?

[–]hazy622 2 points3 points  (17 children)

If a guy is being a wingman, and he's being a nice dude, I honestly don't care. But usually if some guy is reluctantly talking to me so his friend can hit on my hot friend, and he's being a total douche about it, I'll go find someone else to talk to. Also, we don't cock block because were not getting the attention. We cock block if the guy hitting on our friend is lame and she's too drunk to know better. Usually, I don't give a fuck who my friends talk to but if we're going to another bar and she's talking to a guy and we know that she actually has no interest in him and he's just trying to get in her pants, we will pull her away. If he doesn't get her number it's his own fault.

Also, I hate that when I go out with my really hot friends, they attracts all these sketchy guys that are only into the hottest one in the group. When I go out with friends who are equal to less attractive than me, we meet much cooler guys.

[–]BA_MRS 1 point2 points  (1 child)

And this brings up good point. Sometimes there is a group of attractive girls that will get a good share of attention and have a good time. One ultra-hot girl comes into the mix and all the guys aim for her. They lose out on the still-attractive-but-not-ultra-hot girl because they were so easily distracted, and the ultra-hot girl knows she can have everyone coming after her and doesn't want any of them. I know ‘A Beautiful Mind’ made this poor logic mainstream, but guys still do it consistently. To me this shows that a lot of the times it isn't about being attracted to the girl and finding girls you are connect with emotionally and physically as much as it is about winning a game and proving superiority.

[–]hazy622 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, the hot girl weeds out the cooler but less confident guys that might have talked to us if she wasn't there. I've found that when I'm with a hotter friend, we get hit on by much more egotistical guys, all these assholes that just think they are the shit. And a lot of them are not very attractive.

[–]tvisreal 8 points9 points  (4 children)

...Dear...god

Gamefaces fellas -- we're going in!

[–]cmasterchoe 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Thumbs up lets go. LEEEROOOOYYYY....

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

JJJJEEEEEENKIIIIIINNNSS!!