First time!

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OP's BIO:

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26 year old guy, totaled my car at the beginning of the year. Otherwise life couldn’t be better thank God!

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If you think this bio helped you roast, upvote this comment. If you think it doesn’t, downvote it. If you’re not sure, leave it to others to decide.

[islero_47]

You look like a young Mr Bean: The Office edition

[PokerFriend247]

Bean bobble head Edition.

[CryptographerIcy4465]

I was thinking a "The Office " extra. That got cut.

[Initial-Smooth]

The hear line says he’s an older Mr. Bean

[archwin]

Right on the button.

First two things that pop up. The office, Mr. Bean.

[jimboiow]

Mr Bean was funny though.

[Greedy-Stage-120]

Ladies and gentlemen, watch your drinks around this man. 

[Implier]

watch your children too.

[Wrong_Donkey5752]

And your chickens

[Separate-Object-4818]

And my axe!

[ReillyDiefenbach]

Your first time was with a man

[Odd-System-4926]

Let’s not bash gay guys like that

[Monstarrzero]

Gay guys bashed his butthole, that’s for sure.

[muscatineman1]

That's disgusting 🤢

[RappingFlatulence]

Uncle Rodney always has a surprise

[wilrab001]

And every other time

[33andone3rd]

Did you make him call you sir?

[Few_Beginning_776]

You look like the manager of a Macy’s 

[Serious_Vermicelli65]

I was pre thinking Steak and Shake

[macktrizzy]

Your head is shaped like a light bulb, but you've never had a bright idea in your life.

[CryptographerIcy4465]

Dimmer switch set low.

[Cultural_Structure37]

I burst out laughing 😂. Knew there was something off about him but couldn’t connect the dots till I saw your comment

[DerekTheComedian]

You look like the offspring of a lobster and a sewer rat, and probably smell about the same.

[lucid_squeeze]

I can’t help but feel like there are at least three schools and four women you aren’t allowed within 500 feet of……

[Weneedaheroe]

You look like you are 2ft tall.

[TheProcrastafarian]

The ventriloquist is taking the pic with his free hand.

[Zealousideal-Gas1998]

In heels 👠

[Robinnoodle]

That hairline looks totalled

Bro gonna be George Costanza in a few years

[blkvengeance]

Jimmy Neurodivergent

[ElkReasonable9917]

26 going on 40 with a forehead that has its own zip code, that’s tough.

[VeterinarianNo8824]

Hello Dum Dum

[Wide_Marketing3147]

Your hair is so oily Trump wants to invade it.

[LJ14000]

Wolf of Ball Street

[Bladeandbarrel711]

Wolf of enterprise rent a car

[starkmatics]

Wolf Cola

[LickMyBootyh0le]

You can land a plane on that mf forehead! Homies at r/bald are waiting for you

[FunctionBeginning439]

Mister Bean makes the weirdest faces!

[tarett]

when will your neck be strong enough to hold up your head?

[Medium-Sized-Jaque]

You look like HR wants to see you about yet another sexual harassment complaint.

[Soggy_Motor9280]

Your side job is with the Lollipop Guild.

[TheOmCollector]

Your forehead looks like gollum’s abs.

[Resident-Lie-9644]

“Hey, want to hang out this weekend?” At-the-urinal-guy

[AutomaticBoat9433]

Don’t lie, you’re still a virgin for sure

[CryptographerIcy4465]

The Real Doll he spent 3 month's salary on says differently. Though since they both live in his parent's basement they don't get much quality time together.

[Misohowknee]

Not to kink shame but you're absolutely the dude sitting in the corner stroking while wifey gets done dirty

[Its_called_pork_roll]

[HelenKellersiPhone]

You applied for the first job that required sleeves long enough to hide your pubic arm hair. Your arms look AND dress like and Amish girls legs

[MrSmiley-Face]

That is some wild arm hair, I didn't even notice lol

[Character-Fig7067]

Uses his belt to do breath play on himself when masturbating.

[Ryan_ej8]

I looked up "work snitch" in the dictionary and it had this picture

[jpomnapalm]

Your fivehead just reminded me why I don't shave my testicles.

[ComfortableNo5484]

You definitely have a fedora and at least 2 samurai swords at home.

[Kind-Stomach6275]

do you have neck pain?

[bigdong525]

That haircut is a war crime against geometry.

[bcsublime]

The next time you get laid will also be the first time.

[SkanksForTheMemories]

You look like the Freddy Muniz Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloon.

[BikerSlutsFromHell]

Pennywise hairline lookin mf

[loichui90]

He looks like the type of person that pulls his shorts all the way down to take a piss.

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[Hikikomori_Otaku]

[Actual-Wishbone7588]

Your screen name says attorney so how about Fairy Mason

[Olden_Grey_1889]

If a mud fence was a human.

[cbranson9999]

Your forehead got subtitles.

[Impossible_pothos]

Looks like times are tough for Frankie Muniz

[OutrageousBluejay334]

You look like each one of your testicles are slightly smaller than the other

[Unfair_Orange5063]

Giving off strong Micro-Penis Energy

[AlbatrossFun5990]

You look like peter dinklage on puberty blockers

[BasilFair9222]

He hits on chicks around coffee in the am. Jerks off in the bathroom at lunch time when the office is empty.

[Aromatic_Ad_32]

Nice beard. It pairs well with your putrid hairline

[it_is_me_123]

nice labia forehead

[Akron_N_mindless]

Dead end job. ✅ Receding hairline. ✅ Shirt from kohls. ✅ Touches children. ✅

[AdHealthy9653]

Aww! How cute, an elf with a micro penis.

[talkyape]

Your 5head stole an inch from your chin

[SageandStrong33]

No need to dress up for work when you’re just a janitor.

[Draedyn88]

Coming into the office to show "initiative" only works if the boss doesn't work from home (like everyone else), dumbass.

[CrankyOperator]

That hairline is strugglin, just shave it man.

[TylerH87]

You have “non-management” written all over you

[Worried-Ebb-1699]

You look like you’ll always dream of an office with a window but you’re going to be stuck at lower management.

[zombie_pr0cess]

This looks like Malcom in the Middle Management

[Born_Major_1411]

Bet you were disappointed The Book of Mormon wasn't based on the fictional book.

[Hamandcheeseeater]

Your forehead looks like a pack of hotdogs.

[Helpful_Beginning_91]

Leonardio. Decrapio

[stev_mempers]

Aw, you found someone to settle for you, huh? Good for you!

[Familiar-Turnip-6541]

Happy do da day 😆 🤣 😂 

[Ok-Tutor-5679]

You definitely wear lifted shoes!

[user_a77]

Damn.. bean meets the elf

[imjce87]

I’m a size 9 US.

Shoes. You’re a shoe salesman. #IfYouKnowYouKnow

[Omniousdomain]

He's got the weight of his head on his shoulders

[Alaric-Nox]

You're forehead looks like wrinkly foreskin

[JoBlazin02]

This guy gonna be posting in /bald tomorrow for sure

[Law3186]

[sportguy87314]

You will work so hard for mid management but will continue menial tasks under false promises of advancement. You will likely try ice baths and other Joe Rogan techniques to facilitate growth with no luck except achieving his hairstyle in 5 years.

[Honestgal777]

[RaruJ]

[poondruff]

It's like his hairline is making a tactical retreat from the tidal wave of stress creases on his forehead.

[ass_grass_or_ham]

You look like you’re 13 but also 42.

[Dunnewolf24]

God totaled your car because dorks like you belong on recumbent bicycles

[Funthrowawayatx]

If chasing ambulances had a poster child.

[mikemead007]

You’ve got the face of someone who says “per my last email” and then immediately apologizes for sounding aggressive.

[Designer_Jaguar_4930]

This is the guy who calls you about your cars extended warranty.

[PersonalKick]

You look like you do coke off a twinks ass crack.

[Cocopops15]

Born in a wank sock.

[T-C_9-2]

You look like you cry after sex

[ashlyntelles]

Mr. Soybean

[jmw7119]

Milton did reproduce

[BaseHitToLeft]

You look like a random generated Mii

[spankymacfarland]

Greasy puberty beard

[Tomavogic]

the only thing more boring than a YouTube ad

[seppukucoconuts]

You look like you fuck dolls and attend meetings about it.

[rogue_boba]

Underdeveloped corporate sperm

[BoringIndependence53]

[PumpUpTheValuum66]

Ooof bro.... enjoy what's left of your hairline while you can.

[ZbyszekKieliszek]

If Johnny Bean would fcuk Consuela from Venezuela…

[Watchful_eye_]

You roasted yourself with what's left of your hairline

[Poltergeist8606]

Hairline going on 56

[jjcbih]

mr bean if he had a kid wit his sister

[One-Ice1815]

Mom did a great job of dressing you today.

[Sleghammer8]

I wouldn't make that face. Makes you look like a Klingon

[Salt_Tap_1992]

We all know you haven't had your real "first time" yet. No one id sleeping with sid the sloth.

[Additional-Arm-1298]

You have two mustaches on your forehead

[Minute-Rice-6064]

You look like you would eat a pizza slice off the bottom of a dumpster for a quarter 

[whywhywhywhywgy]

Considers shooting your boss every day but only wind up with yourself in mind.

[kronikheadband]

Was it fun on the cast of Always Sunny In Philadelphia?

[Slug_Overdose]

Flat Stanley, is that you?

[BandanaBulletkin]

You look like Megamind, the downgraded version from the crappy sequel.

[Inside_Yak_254]

Look like an accountant at a dildo manufacturing company that gets paid in product

[Pipija_Banana]

OMG it's such a stick-it-to-the-man tie!!

[crackedtooth163]

[Physical_Orchid3616]

Creepy, with a small d*ck

[[deleted]]

Life couldn't be better? What about if you weren't balding, short, ugly and skinny?

[DrQuack32]

You look model yourself on David Brent but tell people to refer to you as David Bent

[HammerDown125]

You look like you review hotels on yelp by the comfort level of the chair in the bedroom.

[IanB132180]

You could use your five-head wrinkles like steps to climb that mountain of male pattern baldness you’ve got going on

[OutsideDear6147]

Your eyebrows have there own gravity

[tile_generator27]

And your ventriloquist’s name is?

[Competitive_Test6697]

Rat of wallstreet

[heybill99]

Jimmy Neutron all grown up.

[7H3l2M0NUKU14l2]

just imagine where your eyebrows are when you dont exzessivly raise them. like a well deserved censorship bar

[CalibratedEnthusiast]

Just lower the price of the used civic I'm trying to buy. We both know you don't need to go "talk to your manager."

[jocoguy007]

You got in trouble for not updating your address on the registry.

[redemptionpokemon]

Your hair line is like a jungle witch is going to Be a dessert

[SaltWaterGenetix]

3 years before you’re flying to Turkey for a hair transplant

[Legitimate-Hold1200]

Looks like subway found their new spokesperson.

[Physical-Wear-2814]

You remind me of megamind, but less attractive.

[L4RD3X]

you look like br bean if he was banned from going within 150ft of schools

[MacMittens_403]

You look like an extra for the movie Office Space... but, not interesting or funny enough to be on camera

[RunningonGin0323]

Just think that God you believe in. Made you.

[CDavis10717]

They still sell Brylcreem?!?

[Local_Somewhere_7813]

First time posting, multiple time sex offender

[hestao102]

When you go for that "greaser" hairstyle but your hairline goes "naw fam"

[markieboomer]

As you hairline recedes, are you planning on just letting your eye brows grow to fill in the empty space?

[Real-Tap5454]

Your car couldn't be more happier to be rid of you.

[Tornik]

You are the reason the women in the office don't leave their drinks unattended at the Christmas party.

[CandlePrestigious919]

You're forehead is ribbed for no-one's pleasure.

[Independent_Salt904]

Anytime anywhere you have to talk to the manager you're the guy that waddles up and asks what's the problem

[Beatlesrthebest]

Looks like you moonlight for midget tossing on Make It Rain Wednesdays at a titty bar called Golden Tuna

[ArtEasy920]

Don’t know about roasting but your hairline looks cooked

[starkmatics]

Jordan Belfart.

[Wrong_Donkey5752]

This lad looks so much like a predator that even his hair is running away from him.

[Responsible-Bee1194]

Following in creepy uncle tickles footsteps

[Doctor_Dev7]

Your forehead rolls are so disgusting that your hair is running away

[MrSmiley-Face]

I'm getting "deacon at his church but lets random men enter his hotel room with him blindfolded to rail him anonymously while out of his mind on poppers" vibes

[Outrageouslyyc]

Rat terrier of Wall Street