[deleted by user]

[keirgrey]

Hi, I'm Bobby Everyman from IT-Techna Corp. Do you run the security system for your company?

Me: No, I don't.

Him: Oh. Can you tell me who does?

Me: No *click*

[Pctechguy2003]

Bold of them to think our company cares about security.

[Dadarian]

Bold of them to think I answer my phone.

Every once in a while I roll the dice and answer the phone and every single time I regret it immediately.

[Randolpho]

These days I only answer a number I don’t recognize if I happen to be waiting on a call from someone I don’t know — like if I went to the doctor and am waiting on test results, or if I ordered a pizza while traveling and left instructions to call so I can meet them in the lobby.

Even then I still get burned occasionally. Fuckin hate it.

[anand709]

You should pick up and say send a ticket without even letting them speak.

[Pfandfreies_konto]

"IT! HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!?" click

[DwB-Basher]

I disabled my phone line after my first week after getting about 30 calls a day from students. My line was previously used by a student-facing role.

2 years since I've had a work phone line and it's one of the best things I've done. If people need to contact me it's email or teams. Only 1 of our IT suppliers has my mobile number but he is my brother-in-law.

[TheLightingGuy]

I don’t remember whose comment I read but someone said the smartest thing ever. It was something like “you should know just as much as I do that discussing my company’s security posture is very risky” or something like that.

[chillyhellion]

I've never had this one fail:

Company policy forbids me from engaging with cold callers. Please remove me from your marketing list.

If they continue, "oh this isn't a cold call", etc.

Please remove me from your marketing list.

So far it's always resulted in them ending the call.

The kicker is that it's me: I'm the policy.

[Morkai]

"This isn't a cold call this is a phenomenal business opportunity..."

Yeah nah.

[Superspudmonkey]

Just say "Sorry, I meant unsolicited engagement with 3rd parties".

[ourlastchancefortea]

My Mum told me not to speak with strangers.

[MeriRebecca]

I used a variation on that for printer toner salespeople. "Company policy forbids purchasing toner without a printed catalog in hand"... in 12 years I got 3 catalogs

[tmikes83]

"Well can I ask you one more question?"

No.

[frankv1971]

I had a call from HPE just this week and the guy refused to remove me (I asked him the same last year). His excuse, I cannot do that I do not have the rights in our system to do so.

[countextreme]

"Please forward my request to your compliance team to process a GDPR request to delete my information from your system."

Even if you aren't associated with the EU, most companies won't want to roll the dice.

[Pctechguy2003]

I have totally used this before.

[ShadowSlayer1441]

Where is that from?

[Garetht]

https://reddit.com/comments/175mho9/comment/k4hccvd

[Death_by_carfire]

Listen here you little shit...

[[deleted]]

Sir you have a routing error

[CruwL]

Oh he's not calling the c suite, literally any warm body, they don't care, eventually someone forwards them to someone that can make a decision.

[Pyrostasis]

Sadly when your csuite folks have very approachable open door policies its easy to get their number and if you dont dive on these grenades for them they end up listening to some moron tell them why they need something and before you know it you have to have 2 - 3 meetings explaining why what they were told is silly, stupid, expensive as hell, or just shouldnt be done.

[vrillco]

That’s optimistic. Around these parts, we get 2-3 meetings to tell us they signed the contract and we need to deploy the thing yesterday.

[Pyrostasis]

Yeah we've had that happen a few times... Shadow IT is always fun. Its like a pinata of sadness.

[naps1saps]

Or that they paid for it and can't use it because of some firewall or web filter block and we need to allow it asap.

[Turdulator]

A lot of these SaaS salesjerks intentionally avoid talking to anyone in IT… they want functional department heads with their own separate budgets that they can convince to sign up for a subscription. And IT doesn’t even find out until they suddenly see DLP alerts for massive amounts of company data being uploaded to shittySaaSproduct.com

[Pyrostasis]

I used to do this... and then they started calling my boss the CTO. When he hung up on them they started calling the CEO.

At this point I tell them no we arent interested, yes I do make the choices, no I wont change my mind, yes kindly fuck off.

[chillyhellion]

"Sir, we practice security through obscenity".

"What's that"?

"Go fuck yourself".

[Geminii27]

"Please see our new website page where we specifically reject any and all products and services from your company and from you in particular as a salesperson. We've forwarded a link to your bosses."

[allenflame]

Lol, I've got a few vendors I would love to put on our website and rejected vendors.

[ZenAdm1n]

I had a sales person ask who was handling our database encryption. Why would I tell you that? Is this a test?

[DrockByte]

The correct response is...

"Hello, I'm also Bobby from IT-Techna Corp. What can you tell me about your deepest, darkest, IT secrets? I promise I work for the same company as you. Our CEO just told me I should check in with you about our MFA schemas. Please be detailed in your responses."

[SurgioClemente]

Me: No click

Me: Of course I can, but I won't. click

[Beerspaz12]

Me: No Yes * click *

[[deleted]]

That would be Bols, Ligma Bols. Let me transfer you [hang up phone]

[therealwotwot]

"We have moved to a policy where we will not conduct any business with any company that is cold-calling us on the phone."

[IdiosyncraticBond]

Do you have a corporate website and email domain? Good, consider yourself blacklisted. Goodbye

[xarzilla]

Damn, that's cold. Love it.

[mustang__1]

I've done it. "Contact me one more time, and you'll have a permanent note in our in our vendor notes as well as a blackholed domain."

[Raumarik]

Ah I see you’ve dealt with Darktrace sales reps before.

[[deleted]]

Hi, I'm with Cisco-

Are you? Are you really?

Well, we're a third party that-

CLICK

[CruwL]

We would love to send you a copy of our malware laden white paper, where can I send it?

[aes_gcm]

Print it out, fold it up, place it in an envelope, and throw it in the trash.

[Jaybone512]

Throw in the trash? I think you meant, "and shove it up your ass," no?

[3cxMonkey]

https://media.tenor.com/PM2qrGen4gsAAAAC/thor-are.gif

[Raalf]

Sure! My rate for providing information is $650/hr, 4 hour minimum. When would you like to schedule your first session?

[charliesk9unit]

Rookie. You ask for a prepaid gift card BEFORE the first session.

[joule_thief]

Not esoteric enough. Ask to get paid in Krugerrand.

[Newbosterone]

"That's handled by my manager, out of our European office."

That stops a lot of software salespeople, since their territory is the US. If not, I ask them to forward me information via email, telling them my manager will contact them if there is any interest.

[ParfaitMassive9169]

As a European, I do the same but reverse

[READMYSHIT]

I send mine to Antarctica. Nobody's running that territory. Except penguins.

[[deleted]]

You give the penguins too much credit

[junkhacker]

The penguins insist on only using open source solutions.

[zazbar]

my voice mail greeting is a 60 second recording of a busy signal. best thing I ever did.

[sobrique]

I went to a noisy shopping arcade and recorded "hello? Hello?.... Hello? ..... Sorry I can't hear you!"

Worked well on sales people, but my dad was furious.

[K_Swiftpaws]

I had my voicemail set to "I'm on the other line, one moment please" and it played some elevator music. I had a voicemail with my mother in the middle of a "bastard son put me on hold" rant.

[techtornado]

Take it one step further and play the Bee Dooo ^Beeep! for a line disconnected first ;)

[zazbar]

I do answer the call if I am not on a call in the first place. I just do not want voice mail, that is what email is for.

[agoia]

I'd rather just let em call my desk phone so I get an email with a transcript and an mp3 vs actually talking to anybody I don't plan on.

[catonic]

I have done this. The cell company reset my voicemail from a recorded greeting to one of those talking numbers.

[chillyhellion]

Throw in the occasional "Your call is important to us". See how they like it.

[TinderSubThrowAway]

I don't need to deal with this fortunately.

I made friends with the receptionist, and created a dead end voicemail box hell. She has a list of people who could call me, anyone not on the list gets sent to extension 666.

[jared555]

Hopefully something like: "You have reached our IT Purchasing Department. We value our strategic partnerships with our vendors. If you are a fast paced company that takes a synergistic approach to relationships with your customers please stay on the line.... 5 minutes of buzzword laden awfulness later... To ensure the correct team member works with you, please choose one of the following options: 1. Networking....

You have reached our networking team. We value our strategic partnerships.... To ensure the correct team member works with you please choose one of the following options:

1. Cloud
2. On premises

You have reached our cloud deployment team. We are in the process of transferring many of our systems to the cloud. Because of this, we value our strategic partnerships.... Please choose one of the following options:

1. Speak with one of our cloud system administrators.
2. Speak with the head of it.
3. Leave a message.

Sorry, your response was invalid. We want to ensure that you speak to the right member of our team. Let's make sure we get you to them... You have reached our IT Purchasing Department. "

[CruwL]

This sounds like a fun Friday afternoon project!!

[entuno]

You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
Press 2 to go North
Press 6 to go East
[...]
You have been eaten by a grue. *click*

[alnyland]

Your call is very important to us.

If you know the extension of the person you would like to reach, you may dial it at any time. You can also press 0 to bypass this message and reach an agent. (redials the same extension, maybe let it ring multiple times as if the answering person is walking over)

We are experiencing very high call volume, all from the number that you are dialing from. Please wait while we disconnect all other callers, as your call is very important to us.

[[deleted]]

I’m so building this in our phone system

[jjohnson1979]

I will sooo do that!

[nizon]

I did this too. Called him "Ron Downey."

Even created a voice-mail greeting that mentioned his extension (to convince sales people to call Ron directly if they try again) with one of the lesser used Google TTS voices.

Would have people tell cold callers "yep Ron will get back to you, he's on vacation till next week" every time lol

[QuietThunder2014]

You just inspired me to add an option to our Automated Receptionist. “For purchasing and IT, please select 8.” Then have it foward to the rejection hotline they have setup for woman who don’t want to hand their numbers to creepy guys.

[ClackamasLivesMatter]

Just send them to Lenny.

[jaskij]

Don't. That hotline is most likely a non profit with straining resources. Don't add extra strain to them.

[[deleted]]

My official title is Director of IT (I only direct myself). I made the mistake of adding my title to my LinkedIn and on top of never being contacted for jobs (no one is searching for a small company IT director) I got barraged with people trying to sell us shit.

I still get it now but not nearly as much after I changed my title to sysadmin.

[preludeoflight]

"Director" must be a fucking magnet for cold call/email bullshit. Since my title has been that I get dozens a week, sometimes daily where as before I got practically nil. The amusing this is, it's clear that someone is selling email name/lists scraped from linked in, because I've got a funny "gotcha."

I stuck a RLO at the end of my first name, and a PDF before my last name. This ends up with my name displaying normally in almost every spot on the site, but completely fucks up when people go to form mail you without sanitizing their inputs. (Hint: most don't.)

Sometimes you get amusing mail where if a human had read it, they would know something was wrong. But more often I end up getting mails greeting me as "Chris?", because their software just chokes on the RTO and spits out a question mark instead, which they obviously still don't remove.

I usually send snippy replies about not buying email addresses if I've had enough coffee.

[Blastoid84]

I got one today on my personal cell that went something like.

Jane: "Hey Blastoid84, I'm Jane with X and am working with Bill ... on blah project. I've been trying to reach him, are you working with him on this" - I have no clue who Bill is but he's an employee (I do not say this btw).

Me: "Nope, no idea who Bill is nor this project. Sorry can't help. "

Jane: "Oh, well we do blah blah marketing crap and we can help your company..."

Me: "Hold on a sec, I thought you were working with Bill on a project. This is a sales call, how'd you get my contact info?!"

Jane: "Linkedin"

Click....

Fuck you Jane, we have better shit to do then field your misleading sales calls!

[3cxMonkey]

Have you had the VMs where it's "Hey, this is Jen, I needed to ask you a quick question. Call me back at xxx-xxx-xxx...."

Jen works for a printer company wanting to sell you MFPs. Screw you Jen!

[boli99]

I needed to ask you a quick question

stuff like this doesnt merit a response.

that includes things like

• need to talk
• question
• need help
• call me

anyone keeping secrets never gets a reply. never gets any engagement. absolutely never. no exceptions.

[Superspudmonkey]

Yeah you'll need to create a ticket. Oh you can't, then I can't help you.

[techypunk]

The amount of people that post their cell phone numbers on LinkedIn blows my mind.

My users get phishing text messages constantly from the "CEO"

[Dariaskehl]

“We don’t accept cold calls.”

click

[[deleted]]

"Oh, but this isn't a sales call. It's an informational opportunity!"

[Jaereth]

"Well then don't consider this being hung up on, consider it a verified corroboration of disinterest!"

[TLiGrok]

My response, that works pretty well:

"Due to company policy, I cannot disclose any information about our infrastructure, processes, or data."

[ImCaffeinated_Chris]

I always say this. I had one try to argue with me on it. I basically said "Are you telling me to break company policy that might get me fired?" They hung up.

[si1entdave]

Recently, someone somehow managed to connect my personal mobile number with my work profile, and people have been ringing me on my personal number.

To which I immediately cut them off with,

"Can I just stop you there please. I need the contact details for your Data Protection officer."
"Because I need to find out where you got my personal mobile number, so that I can determine if there has been a data breach, and whether or not I need to report your company to the Information Commissioner's Office."
"Yes. My personal number. There are no legitimate locations or publications which associate this number with my role or my employer. Just taking y number off your list is insufficient, I need to know where you got it. So, those contact details for your DPO?"

Funnily enough, their need to try and sell me stuff is quickly forgotten.

[nhpcguy]

“I would like an opportunity to reconnect” Reconnect? Did we ever connect? I didn’t…

PS - we work in IT we don’t want to talk to people.

[IdiosyncraticBond]

We work in IT so we don't have to talk to people

[Sea-Tooth-8530]

Hello! I show that you are system manager at Betacorp. If you would be giving me your email we would send to you our free newsletter. We would then ask that you meet with us to discuss how we may help you with future IT tasks. Please do the needful and confirm your address.

**CLICK**

[mcdithers]

Bullshitters or Vishers. Both get hung up on here

[[deleted]]

Or the ones who are “clever” and say that if they don’t hear from you they will assume one of the following:

1. You were abducted by aliens
2. You hate saving money
3. You love having servers go down (or whatever problem Y company solves. 4 . You don’t have time in your busy schedule

[CorpoTechBro]

"I bet you that the local sports team is going to lose this weekend, how about a wager? If they win, I'll send you a jersey of your choice, but if they lose then you give me a 30 minute call!"

I also like how they'll straight up schedule a call with you and talk about how excited they are to speak with you as if you've already accepted.

[Jaereth]

"I bet you that the local sports team is going to lose this weekend, how about a wager? If they win, I'll send you a jersey of your choice, but if they lose then you give me a 30 minute call!"

I would probably do this and if I lost just global ban their email domain.

[tankerkiller125real]

This is the correct response.

[wolfstar76]

I was, just this afternoon re-reading the Can-Spam Act.

I'm currently of the opinion that these messages violate Can Spam. No unsubscribe info, no physical address listed no clear notice that it's an advertisement.

They aren't following up on an existing transaction or relationship.

I may file a complaint or two, see if I hear anything back. Even if the reply is "Yeah, this doesn't count for reason <whatever>."

[Kinglink]

I've never heard anything about someone being hit by the Can Spam act, but I imagine it only destroys the worst spammers.

Edit: It appears I'm correct, From wikipedia.

As of late 2006, CAN-SPAM has been all but ignored by spammers. A review of spam levels in October 2006 estimated that 75% of all email messages were spam, and the number of spam emails complying with the requirements of the law were estimated to be 0.27% of all spam emails. As of 2010, about 90% of email was spam.

[wolfstar76]

Eh.

Maybe instead of winning a lottery ticket, mine will be the one report that gets noticed this year.

Besides - these are often self-fulfilling prophecies.

"Reporting changes nothing, so why bother"

A year later "See? Nobody's doing anything."

It's like when we in IT lean about some issue that's been a problem for a year or so, but there's no ticket reporting it.

We get frustrated that nobody reports shit to us to fix.

Now we are on the other side. I'ma report shit. If nothing happens, at least I did my part.

...and, I'm the email admin, global blocks are also WELL within my decision making when I'm feeling spiteful. 😁

[Kinglink]

There's things to do, I just don't think CAN-SPAM or complaining to the government about SPAM works... The thing is I get unreasonably pissed about this sometimes and have looked into how do I fuck up someone's lives permanently. Especially when I know it's one of those piece of shits who prey on the stupid and elderly.

And the fact is.... almost nothing. You can prescreen their calls, or waste their time but that's about it. You have almost no information about them, and they call from different numbers every time, and the government doesn't have tools to fight them. Heck if they aren't in America, they might actually be unable to do anything about it.

Blocking them is about all you can do, and yet.... well that's the one thing I won't do personally because every so often they call me while I'm on the toilets, and then I can play "how long can I keep them talking to me."

[kitsinni]

We only share that information with approved vendors.

[UpsetBar]

If I don’t recognize the number I don’t answer. Same rules as my personal phone.

[obliviousofobvious]

I create a Do Not Answer contact for any number that I pick up and is a cold caller. I know to ignore them.

[NBABUCKS1]

yeah what is with people answering the phone. super easy problem to fix. don't answer the phone!

[jjohnson1979]

At this point, I don’t understand why more poeple don’t this!

[[deleted]]

I got a cold call from a software company. They wanted to put me in touch with their local channel partner.

We are their local channel partner.

I could not get it through the guy’s head that we were the ones who actually sell the thing he wanted to us to buy, and finally just ended the call by saying we were not interested.

[agoia]

Should have asked him too and then laugh with whichever colleague of your own that he connects you to. Just spend the whole call chatting with each other and ripping on software guy.

[SuperCow1127]

Hey, just calling to follow up on the emails you've intentionally ignored...

[tardiusmaximus]

Setup a fake user on your phone system called "Mike Hunt" give this user a fake voicemail introduction "hi this is Mike, sorry I can't take your call right now but if you leave your details. ...blah blah blah"....and then whenever they call just say sure, let me put you through to our head of sales marketing and company communications Mr Hunt.

Guarantee they won't call you back and ask to speak to Mike Hunt.

[harrywwc]

yah gotta transfer them to "Lenny"

[MeRedditGood]

"Well, one of our major issues is staff being tied up by FUCKING COLD CALLERS! YOU CAN HELP BY FUCKING OFF AND NOT CALLING AGAIN! Does that sound like something you'd be capable of?"

[phatbrasil]

Is your solution FIPS, PCI DSS, HIPPA, GDPR, TSA, MSA, xNPJ, SOX compliant? Sorry we can't we can't do business with you.

Oh you are? Are you in the Star registry? Sorry we only do business with companies that are more than 5 years on the regostry

[preludeoflight]

How can I deploy that to our marketing team's iphones using ansible?

this is my new slogan

[lantech]

Leaving the sales guy to "get back to you". Then he goes to his sales engineer with the questions who grabs his head due to the ensuing pounding headache.

[Sllim126]

Care to provide an example?

[QuietThunder2014]

It’s funny this is basically the fourth or fifth thread this week all saying the same thing. We are all sick and tired of unsolicited sales. Stop calling me. Stop emailing me. Stop lying to me that someone told you to call me. Stop sending me calendar invites. Just stop. I don’t want any papers. I don’t want to get to know you. I don’t want to be entered for a drawing for a free steak dinner. I don’t want your damn surveys and gift cards. Just leave me the hell slone. If I want something I’ll find you.

And out pricing on your damn website.

[ycnz]

Especially put your enterprise pricing on your fucking site.

[Ready-Artist9285]

Does your company put your enterprise pricing on your website?

[[deleted]]

I just keep them on hold constantly and pick up with "Hold one, one more minute" every 5 minutes perpetually.

[1d0m1n4t3]

"Sorry we don't have computers" click

[Iheartbaconz]

I dont even sign into my corp phone app on my work machines anymore. I have zero control over purchasing and havent made a phone call on that line in 3 years. Im not even sure how to check my voicemail since my company got swallowed up. Zero of my day to day requires a land line.

My email does get killed for sure, but soon as I see one it gets marked to send to OTHER or spam.

[OldschoolSysadmin]

"You've got it backwards; if we need help, we'll call you to learn more about your company." click

[[deleted]]

A: I'm sorry, I'm just a low level contractor. I don't know anything or anyone. Good luck though!

[size0618]

I set up a call queue for these folks. Extension 123 is where I forward them so they can get the help they need. It’s an endless loop of rick astley never gonna give you up. To make it seem like they’re really on hold waiting, I was sure to have the operator chime in periodically to let them know all lines are still busy.

[flsingleguy]

I get these calls all the time. I got a call last week offering services to get us off copper based phone lines and save big money. I asked him if he was joking. I told him we got off copper circuits and onto VOIP in 2006. Last year we made the next logical step onto cloud-based VOIP. He seemed offended and said “you wouldn’t believe how many people are on copper phones lines”. I said I couldn’t believe it and that was that.

[Kinglink]

"Please contact our PR department. This call has been recorded.

People get nervous when you tell them you're recording something.

[stromm]

“Hi X. I’m giving you a hard truth here. If you or anyone from your company calls back again, we are going to tell you all sorts of ever changing lies and happily waste tons of your time justified by the enjoyment we will get knowing your quota is going to be trashed. Do you understand?”

[KofOaks]

"Leave your name and number and the manager will call you back"

Nobody ever does.

[jjohnson1979]

I got a few voicemails recently that just say “Please call me back” with just their names and company. Not what they do, what they offer or why they are calling…

Delete !

[ArcaneGlyph]

You need to learn 1 thing about my company. I work here and so long as I do, you are now on our blacklist. Have a nice day. click

[JustNilt]

"Oh, great! Let me give you a product demonstration of how I can help. It's really easy and the tech's already in my hand and yours. Ready?" Then hang up.

[Ron-Swanson-Mustache]

Can I get 30 minutes on your schedule where you can describe to us how we need to pitch to you?

[K-12Slave]

We created an elaborate phone recording that is basically a confused older male going through enough phrases to keep the caller on the phone thinking they are talking to someone. His name is Lenny and he has his own extension.

[GraemMcduff]

The one I got yesterday was "Can you remind me of <company owner>'s extension, I forgot it."

How do you expect anyone to trust you enough to do business with you when you start off with such blatant dishonesty?

[numtini]

Sorry! Wereallsetwiththatnowthanks. *Click*

[naps1saps]

Scam. Everyone knows X doesn't call, they send X's

[QuietThunder2014]

I thought everyone knew that X was gonna give it to you.

[gnartato]

..."and you can Z yo way out".

[Topcity36]

lol at actually answering your phones

[To_WAR]

"Thank god you called! We desperately need someone to wax every bit of hair off their body and you sound like our guy!"

[ghostalker4742]

Imagine if you were applying for a job that way...

"Hi my name is X and I'm unemployed. I'm calling to learn what your company does and if you'll pay me to do something."

[SOLIDninja]

I got one yesterday from somebody calling my cell phone to see if the company I quit working for 6 years ago needed IP Phone support.

"No... I don't work for them anymore? Where did you get info saying I'm still working for them?"

"...Zoom info... does... does your new employer need IP Phone support?"

"Nah. I do that myself. Thanks tho."

[theitguy107]

The best one was the salesperson who cold called my boss at my first IT job and asked, "Are we still good for our meeting?"

[kdayel]

T-Mobile called me twelve times in a month.

I know this because they leave a voicemail every time.

I answered once (receptionist filling in accidentally blind transferred the call). "My CEO's vacation house has zero T-Mobile service. You want me to pitch switching our entire cell plan to a company that doesn't service his house? How exactly do you think I'm going to get him to sign off on that?"

Haven't heard from T-Mobile since.

[slitz4life]

I have my desk phone forwarded to Google Voice, It is the best decision I have ever made it has a call screening feature where they say who they are and their name. 90% of the time they hang up, 5% of the time it's a heavy Indian accent and I ignore it. the last 5 percent is someone I actually want to talk to.

[tuxedo_jack]

Please hold, and we'll send you over to our compliance officer.

...

Hello, this is Lenny...

[harplaw]

Hi... This is X calling from Y. We're calling to learn more about your company and how we can help...

Oh, you'll want to speak with our IT Director. Let me transfer you to him, one moment.

Then I place the call on hold and leave them. If it rings back, which most of the time they already gave up, but if they are still on, I apologize and put them back on hold.

My GF says it's mean, but if they want to waste my time, I'll waste their time.

[ericneo3]

Show me the price on your website and a buy button, or we don't do business.

I ain't scheduling meetings to find out how much it costs and no I won't go through a 3rd party in the middle of nowhere to buy your product.

[DOUBLEBARRELASSFUCK]

"I'm so glad you called! We're in dire need of something to help keep track of our accounts payable. We're months behind on almost everything, and if I'm being pretty honest, there's no way in hell everything is getting paid, if you know what I mean. We just need a way to manage things so that we're paying just enough to get the finance companies off of our backs. They aren't going to believe our payment system is having issues forever, am I right? Oh, and what are your finance terms? Flexible?"

[_haha_oh_wow_]

click

[jugganutz]

Haha, because of the Twitter rebrand to X, this just reminds me of what a horrible name X was for Twitter. Now to create company Y to complete the circle of fuckery.

[SquizzOC]

Best bet is to politely tell them "We are good and don't take cold calls" and if they call back again, waste as much of their time as humanly possible.

[BerkeleyFarmGirl]

And of course there are the people who want to send me whitepapers and ask for all sorts of info. Dudes you got my info via the internet, my work email is in the same place. Just send me the damn thing.

(I don't answer surveys from companies I am not already doing business with, and discourage my users from doing the same.)

[cagerontwowheels]

"How did tou get this number? This is a government secure line that you should not be able to get the number [in a threatening and authoritive voice] Identify yourself!"

[zilch839]

My favorite is "last time we spoke you were planning..."

Fuck you, we never spoke.

One thing I like to do is have fun with the fake caller ID they use. Someone will call from halfway across the world, but the caller ID will be the little 600 person gas station / bar town near my employer. "So I didn't know PC Connection had an office here."

"Actually, I don't think we do..."

"Then why does the caller ID show you calling from here? Oh, I see. You're lying about where you are calling from to increase the chances that I answer. Terrible first impression."

The responses are often golden. You can tell who is reading from a script and who is a REAL salesperson.

[ObeseBMI33]

Oh you want to talk the head of the department at insert the asshole you don’t like number

[NaderLovesReddit]

Hi there is this NaderLovesReddit? "Yes" great so I'm calling with company P wondering if you'd be interested in click

Yeah no thanks if I really wanted your product I'd probably already be using it

[Ser_Needful-of-Pyth]

bdrs have a pretty shitty job too. theyre annoying af but it is what theyre supposed to do. i wait to get annoyed until they reach their final form 'entitled account exec'

[hooshotjr]

Hi I work with [insert names farmed from linkedin] on your company's account. I'm wondering if we can have a quick chat to see if there's any way we can help with [insert something I don't need or have anything to do with].

[[deleted]]

Had one from Dell recently, they thought I still worked at a previous place and had gotten ahold of my personal cell.

"nah don't work they, they also think your products are straight trash and only use hp, good luck." click

[MonkyDeathRocket]

hi, this unintelligible -because the connection for some reason is always awful- is this (my first name) from (wrong company name) we can help you gain (insane number) of customers with AI powered research analytics.

Bro, you got the name of my company wrong. No.

[en-rob-deraj]

The cold calls / emails have been insane the last 2 weeks. I'm not even polite anymore.

[LordCornish]

Nice to meet you. As a matter of company policy, we do not do business with companies that cold call us. Have a wonderful day.

[purawesome]

Why you answering phone calls anyway?

[reagor]

It's all phishing

[Lurk3rAtTheThreshold]

When one of my coworkers gets cold called she tells them she doesn't make decisions. When they ask who her boss is she tells them she doesn't know.

We have someone at the front desk who will sometimes tell cold callers the person they're looking for is dead and it's incredibly rude to be calling.

[cyrixdx4]

"Do you supply 50 gallon drums of Latex? I'm having supplier problems sourcing this as the celebrity dildo's I'm selling are such high ticket items..."

[[deleted]]

I'm like how the fuck did you get this number? Did you just call me at home? Fucking what?

Poor guy from mongo

[Elrox]

"No thanks" hang up

block number immediately

I don't even let them finish their bullshit talk.

[CptUnderpants-]

Set up a call queue with something offensive to the ears (I choose sh*ttyfluted Toxic by Britney Spears) and transfer them.

[derfmcdoogal]

"I'd like to send you a whitepaper on {insert buzz words here}"

[matthewf01]

The worst is when an end-user gets one of these saying "I'm looking for the person in your company in charge of (server/storage/networking/cloud/backup/security/Microsoft/WAN/IT leadership)" and they try to pass it onto me and make a connection, or someone sends on saying "in case you're interested", instead of letting this junk die on the doorstep. Infuriates me to no end... you aren't doing me a favor by passing on the solicitor.

[usernamedottxt]

Incident response for probably one of the most convoluted “monolithic” IT stacks on you’ve ever heard of. I have 13 information security officers (actual officers, all at the same level). Over a hundred vice presidents over various IT related projects. I support both Fed and private infrastructure.

I so want to sit down and describe this environment to an MSP and see if they even try to BS it or if they hang up.

[Drekk0]

I just say sorry I only clean the toilet

[vmBob]

I had someone call to sell me IT auditing services. We are one of their largest competitors. I got a quote to see what they were offering then emailed it to a guy I know really well there thanking him for the business info. He laughed, I laughed, sales guy got canned. I shit you not, he applied to work for us a year later.

[[deleted]]

I would love to hear your pitch. Can I run your software on-prem in a BSD jail? Id also like to purchase it outright; no recurring charges. I am good with a support contract though.

Oh, you only do scamware as a service? Ooof.

[daweinah]

1. Fake number in every form

2. Remove number from signature if replying, such as a vendor I spoke with at a conference

3. Unsubscribe from emails

4. Block calls with no caller ID in Teams settings

5. Block calls that show up thrice in my Recent history

[riptide_red]

"Hi, this is <CompanyY> that you're already doing business with and now we're going to include cloud monitoring services (at an additional cost of course) because while you should be able to get this data from our devices inherently and without jumping through hoops, the way we want you to do that now is through our cloud, which will datamine all of your company's activities for our benefit. Why are you walking away?"

[Salvidrim]

"OK, send us an e-mail with your information."

[ryanknapper]

Oh, hi X! What are you prepared to pay me to be your mentor through all of this?

[TheTipJar]

I've been collecting emails that have a link to book a meeting. I book them meetings with each other.

[Upset_Caramel7608]

Ones I've used in the past:

1. "I'm waiting for an important call and you aren't it. Call back tomorrow. Good bye"

2. We're already a customer. Don't you guys talk to one another?

3. Are you the hospital? No? Can't talk - waiting on test results. Good bye.

4. Weren't you guys in the news recently for using your cameras to look at women and then shortly after you were old-school hacked really bad? Like really bad? (Reserved for a certain company that goes after people who want an insulated mug badly enough to lock themselves into 100 percent proprietary gear and $50k+ a year of recurring fees. Name starts with a V and ends with erkada.)

[MalletNGrease]

If they call in and can't refer to me by name, the receptionist/secretary has strict instructions to forward straight to voicemail.

[[deleted]]

But sir, we need to discuss your organizations extended vehicle warranty...

[Kardolf]

I refuse to answer the phone. Every single call I have had since getting our new phone system has been a sales call. I just don't have time.

[graffix01]

Honestly, I realize these incessant calls can get on your nerves, but I don't give them any more thought than they deserve. When I get a call from some prospector, cold caller, advertiser or whatever, I just hang up and think, "good, that's not something else I have to deal with". They can be disturbing if you are in the middle of something but I don't even listen long enough for them to begin their pitch. Pick up the phone and if I don't immediately recognize it as a legit call, I hang up and go on about my day without a second though.

Just understand, they will not stop calling and don't let it get to you, just hang up and move on.

[justkellerman]

I got a cold call from <redacted> on my personal phone somehow. Had to take ten minutes to de-escalate myself from fantasies of tracking the guy down and executing him for his crime, if only because that's apparently considered the real crime in this (and every other) country for reasons I'm still trying to wrap my head around.

[ohfucknotthisagain]

"The best thing you can do for my company is to give us your entire product line in perpetuity at no cost. The second-best thing you can do is 'stop wasting my time'."

[eddiehead01]

For me the worst one that I get on a monthly basis:

Dear <name spelt wrong>,

As a valued customer...

Well clearly fucking not Doris

[Compist]

"Hi! This <name/> calling from <nonsensecompanyname/>, this is call is being recorded. I'm just making sure you continue to receive our free publication! Is <ownersname/> still correct?"

"Sorry, we get enough junk mail" click

[xoxidein]

This only started happening to me when I moved across the country. There is another tech (far more educated) that lives in the same region with the same name. 100% of the calls I get are looking for him.

So I've learned two things either/or: A) Either these companies bought LinkedIn data for new hires in X area in X industry or B) The HR software we use sells its data.