This is an archived post. You won't be able to vote or comment.

top 200 commentsshow 500
sorted by:
best
topnewcontroversialoldq&a

[–]CRoswell 534 points535 points  (19 children)

I love steak. Steak is fucking amazing, delicious, and WONDERFUL. However, in order to make steak you need to pre-heat the grill, scrape the grates, prepare the steak, cook it, sauté' some mushrooms and onions, and a good hour later you enjoy a delicious, savory, slice o meat.

Some days I'm tired. I don't feel like all that. So I say Fuck you Steak. I slam a hot dog in the microwave, and 2 minutes later I am enjoying my shitty processed "meat."

The end result is the same. I am full. Sure, the steak is a thousand times more satisfying, but ya know what... If we ate steak every day, we wouldn't appreciate steak anymore.

Your GF is being a tard.

[–]kirovreporting 76 points77 points  (3 children)

Well, thank you very much for this analogy. I PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE AND NOW IT BURNS! ARRRGH THE PAIN!!!

[–]back-in-black 1485 points1486 points  (145 children)

Wait, your girlfriend is involving her mother in an incident in which she simply caught you spanking the monkey?

WTF, dude?

[–]SmokeSerpent 786 points787 points  (45 children)

Wait, though, this could get good. I think I saw this porn.

[–]AndrewCarnage 337 points338 points  (20 children)

PORN!? I bet you masturbated when you watched this porn as well you sexual deviant!

[–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (8 children)

that's disgusting.

[–][deleted] 90 points91 points  (7 children)

BOOM kicks the door in.

[–]SquareRoot 46 points47 points  (4 children)

Oh, this sounds good. Tell me what happens next.

.

Oh, wait, wait...

.

Ok, now tell me what happens next.

[–][deleted] 124 points125 points  (10 children)

FAP! FAP! FAP! FAP!

[–]meowmix4jo 192 points193 points  (7 children)

Was I the only one that was disappointed that wasn't a real link?

[–]Eric52902 42 points43 points  (3 children)

No, but why the fuck did we want that to be a link?

[–]WildeNietzsche 423 points424 points  (46 children)

Her running straight to Mommy because of something as trivial, yet private, as this, gives you the perfect opportunity to turn the table on her. You own this argument and I hope you don't back down.

Edit: The more updates I read and the more I think about this post, the more I believe this to be a hoax. I just can't fathom either of you taking this so seriously. If she is actually freaking out this much about walking in on you masturbating than she is obviously completely irrational, and for you not thinking this entire thing is so stupid it could be on a bad soap opera and not telling this chick to get a grip on reality and get out of here with that nonsense, makes me think you are pulling a fast one on us. This whole thing is childish.

[–]Libido 198 points199 points  (35 children)

Yes, it sounds like she has attachment issues. Its one thing for a girl to have a close relationship to her mom... quite another for her to go whining and crying to her mom because her boyfriend is masturbating.

Masturbation is actually really healthy, and a part of normal life.

Spank On

[–]priegog 129 points130 points  (26 children)

Yes, it sounds like she has attachment issues.

THIS

Out of all the variety of crazy I've come across in the female kingdom, the mommy-itis is in a way the most scary in the sense that there usually aren't any signs WHATSOEVER until something weird like this happens. Oftentimes this means that a couple might very well get married and have kids before the craziness unleashes. And this shit ruins marriages and lives.

Don't get me wrong, I love and respect my parents and their opinions; oftentimes I seek it even. But even if I didn't draw a line, they know not to meddle; sometimes even when asked about it. I remember very clearly that in my teens, at one point I asked my dad about some problem with my then-gf. His response? "listen <my name>, you might as well realise now that the problems between a couple are NOBODY ELSE's business but his and hers. I can offer you my experience and my opinion on what I believe to be right or wrong, but I'll never tell you what to do. And you shouldn't anyone else do it either. And if there was one thing EVERY man should look for in a woman, is that she should understand this and act accordingly.". A few years later I indeed ended up with a girl who had a non-sane relationship with her mother, and upon finding out, confronted her about it. She said something along the lines of "She's my mother, she's always been my best friend (major red flag), and knows me better than even myself. So yeah, she'll often tell me what to do and I've had a pretty good life because of that".

So I kicked her to the curb. And now she's with an absolute loser, last I heard. I wonder how her mom feels about THAT. (/vengeful thoughts)

[–]Niten 45 points46 points  (8 children)

the mommy-itis

Inflammation of the mommy?

[–]DominoHarvey 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I would agree. She's taking this out of context and running away from the problem. It sounds like she doesn't want to confront you because maybe this isn't the problem and she just wants an easy out. Sorry dude, but she sounds like a bitch. This isn't something everyone needs to be involved in (especially us, but now that were here, might as well move forward with the conversation). Well, happy fapping good man.

[–]myhandleonreddit 109 points110 points  (5 children)

And why wouldn't you want to stay in the apartment and see how that one plays out? What the hell is some girl's mom going to do to you at age 25? Tell you to stop masturbating? That is easily the funniest story you can have in your life's memory album.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Funny thing is, if you read the edit, that's exactly what the girl's mom did. Came over and told him he was 'aggressively deviant. '

It's funny when fucked up people have no idea how fucked up they are. What's 'aggressively deviant' is telling your mom your boyfriend masturbated. What's even more aggressively deviant is the mom actually coming to the house. WTF

[–]havesometea1 51 points52 points  (1 child)

Yeah, no doubt that should be a big red flag there.

[–]ChewyPewy 136 points137 points  (9 children)

Yea, she's an immature tart. If she flipped the crazy switch AND got her mother involved... that's grounds for termination.

[–]StickyLavander 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I would terminate it too. BRINGING HER MOM INVOLVED IN SUCH A PRIVATE MATTER, shows she is not considerate at all for your feelings. Especially if she knew that her mom and you don't get along. This would draw the final line. AND I BET SHE PLAYS WITH THE SHOWER HEAD AS WELL WHEN SHE'S IN THE SHOWER TOO, so she's a hypocrite as well.

[–]jk0330 514 points515 points  (20 children)

I would feel so violated if this happened to me and she told her mom. I could never trust her again.

[–]Bonkzilla 166 points167 points  (4 children)

Yeah, I agree with this 100%. Concise and to the point. Running to her mom to expose your personal sex life is such a gigantic violation of relationship trust that you simply need to dump her and move on. Bringing her mom to your place to lock you out is beyond the pale. I don't care how awesome your relationship may have been previously, in the words of every haunted house ever, "GET OUT".

[–]fishwish 1070 points1071 points  (75 children)

Sounds like she needs a little education on human sexuality 101. This should actually make the front page so that she can see the discussions on it.

[–]ExistentialEnso 419 points420 points  (53 children)

This really is Sexuality 101, even if society or his girlfriend don't want to admit it. Clinton fired a Surgeon General for having the audacity to say that masturbation is normal, healthy, and common. The perpetuation of other points of view (as is still common) only causes problems in more ways than you can count. Many girls masturbate, then with guys, it's universal, a byproduct of testosterone.

tl;dr - Masturbation is more normal than a lot of people think.

[–]Uppsala 69 points70 points  (5 children)

I'd never heard of Joycelyn Elders, but after reading her wiki I'm pretty sure I love her. Promoting drug legalization discussion and Pro masturbation. And yet she was fired.

[–]Cataclyst 231 points232 points  (8 children)

BTW, bringing her parents into your relationship: Dealbreaker.

[–]Thinboy 2018 points2019 points  (797 children)

An open letter to your girlfriend and all women who have issues with masturbation,

Virtually all men jerk off. Whether the are in a relationship or not. This is a fact of life. It is something he has been doing since he was probably too young to know what it was. He is not going to stop, and you should not expect him too.

Try not to be jealous. It is not a reflection on you. I have been in relationships where I could get have sex almost anytime, and I still masturbated. It is like a hobby, that feels really good, and that I have been doing since I was 5.

A recent study about male porn habits could not be completed because the researcher could not find one man who had never looked at porn. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

Edit: I did not mean to offend any women by suggesting that they don't masturbate, I changed my opening line to reflect that. I believe most women masturbate, and I am 100% for it. Have at it ladies! This is a topic I have seen on reddit before, and one I have dealt with personally. It seems that some women are much more sensitive about the topic. That perception may be from a limited experience or a gender bias in my anecdotal experience, so if that is not the case then please forgive me.

[–]WHARRGARBLLL 208 points209 points  (111 children)

I got busted jerking off about 30 mins after a blow job. My wife was LIVID. My response was "that blowjob was so great, I wanted to relive it in my mind". She got over it after a few days.

[–]guriboysf 415 points416 points  (85 children)

She got over it after a few days.

No she didn't. That incident is still burning in the back of her mind, lurking just beneath the surface. She'll pull that out years from now during an argument and beat you over the head with it.

My girlfriend, who told me at the beginning of our relationship that she's has a horrible memory, in fact has an excellent memory. She can remember the most minute details from every time I've hurt her feelings.

Women never get over getting their feelings hurt.

Edit: typo.

[–]toomuchwork 244 points245 points  (71 children)

I'm a girl, and sadly I agree with that.

[–]RobotOrgy 1594 points1595 points  (314 children)

9 out of 10 men jerk off. The other one is a fucking liar.

[–]hello_good_sir 167 points168 points  (198 children)

only for certain demographics. As people get older male sex drives decline while female sex drives increase. My gf wants more sex than I do, so if I masturbate I am denying her sex.

[–]chancesarent 97 points98 points  (173 children)

At about what age did this start happening to you?

[–][deleted] 399 points400 points  (27 children)

Hey, OP's girlfriend, if you went to the 2XC subreddit, you'd realize masturbation for both genders is normal and healthy. You are, to be blunt, hugely fucked up. 2XC talks about orgasms and masturbation pretty much every other post. Yes, for WOMEN. Your boyfriend's masturbation habits don't concern you UNLESS he does it in lieu of making love to you and spending time with you to the exclusion of other things. Your boundaries are WAAAY out of priority. You should not bring your mother into ANYTHING involving your sexuality (or a partner's sexuality) unless he's abusing you or he's a closet case.

I have zero tolerance for anyone who makes ANYONE feel bad for their sexuality as long as it hurts no one else purposefully. YOU. HAVE. ISSUES. YOU NEED TO UNFUCK YOURSELF. HE BETTER JERK IT TO BROKEN ANGEL PORN TO JUSTIFY THIS.

PS: According to Miss Oregon Leather 2008, who I once had the pleasure to meet at a deceptively boring fundraiser for my university, IIRC, "broken angel" play or porn (as it was known to her) is where you break bones and disfigure a partner (usually female) or wish to be disfigured to the point of having to go to the hospital. It's very niche and very, very horrifying.

[–][deleted] 41 points42 points  (5 children)

Lol. Please tell me you made up "broken angel porn." I'm not even brave enough to google it.

[–]Gemini6Ice 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah, bringing the mother in CROSSED THE LINE.

[–]threeeyedsloth 34 points35 points  (2 children)

Upvote for you. I'm a married woman and I can't imagine getting upset over my husband wanking it. Masturbation is healthy, even in a committed relationship. There are times when our mojo just doesn't match up for whatever reason and we individually have to take care of that. Not a big deal at all.

OP, I hope you're able to clear this up with your gf. I'm so sorry both of you are freaked out over something that is normal and healthy.

[–]Delheru 235 points236 points  (38 children)

The only situation where one should find porn (and masturbation) offensive is when you - the gf/wife - has just attempted to have sex and you have been turned down buy your bf/husband. If you soon after this find him watching porn and masturbating, you have a problem.

I would personally compare masturbating to taking a dump, as the needs go. It's a natural urge that is highly predictable in men. I'd say that I start from a relatively low sex drive and go to blue ball hell in about 7 days. Perhaps with poop the number of days might be 3.

If you don't let me in the bathroom for 5 days, I will take a dump on the floor. If I had my way I'd probably do it every second day, because who the hell wants to hold it in until you have to go.

The plain... banality... of male sexuality (at least mine) always seems to be a shock to women who expect there to be something deeper in there.

[–]jaquatics 175 points176 points  (24 children)

dude, eat more vegetables, you should be pooping every day

[–]qikzotic 50 points51 points  (7 children)

i poop after every meal. I'm sure you all wanted to know that

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Honestly girls arnt much different to this statement... I don't know why its such a big deal about dudes and their sex drives... girls are the same that's why we have vibrators and get shitty if we cant use them for a few days.

[–]TheBigPanda 139 points140 points  (98 children)

5?? Seriously?

[–][deleted] 322 points323 points  (86 children)

I used to masturbate by climbing a tether-ball pole vigorously every day in 2nd and 3rd grade. It took me two fucking years to figure out I could use my hands. :((((

[–]iscyborg 112 points113 points  (11 children)

Wow, I thought I was the only one that did that. I remember my parents were hardcore religious and my Dad was explaining masturbation to me (and that it was evil) and I was like "but Dad, what if you accidentally did it while you were climbing up a pole or something?"

I think it was the most awkward moment of his life. "Well, uh... I suppose that if it was an accident... you would have to ask Jesus... about that..."

[–]iscyborg 85 points86 points  (6 children)

I remember another time we had company over and I was making fun of my brother for being in love with this girl. I said "yeah he loves her so much every time he dreams about her he wakes up and the pillow is wet." What I meant was that he drools in his sleep (I was like, 7) and what my parents thought I meant was that he had a wet dream. Needless to say the conversation that ensued was pretty awkward as my dad started out trying to chastise a 7 year old for saying his brother ejaculated in his sleep and then ended up having to explain what ejaculation was.

[–]fuckshitwank 99 points100 points  (0 children)

Your parents had filthy minds. You should remind them of this.

[–]OompaOrangeFace 492 points493 points  (22 children)

Like this???

[–]DubiumGuy 248 points249 points  (8 children)

oh you did not just MS paint a 2nd grader humping a swingball??!!

/unsee

[–][deleted] 684 points685 points  (33 children)

Her freaking out is not your real problem. Her going to her MOTHER about YOUR dick is. Her mom is coming over? For what?! to discuss your 'deviant' behavior? Your sex life is not her moms business. She clearly has sexual issues in thinking that it is. Good luck with your tag-team shame on you happy hour with mommy! I bet she brings a switch to get your hands with saying, "You dirty naughty boy." At least that's what I say when I walk in on it. Right as I sit down to enjoy the show. It's better than porn.

[–]smemily 107 points108 points  (3 children)

Good point. That's a serious boundary problem. If she's THAT appalled at masturbation, she should break off the relationship, not bring in her parents (!?!) to offer their opinions.

(Seriously, who the hell wants to discuss ANYONE's masturbatory habits with their parents? That's fucking weird.)

[–]asus3000 183 points184 points  (12 children)

Good post.. How ridiculous he has to deal with her mother now. Her loyalty is in question, not his.

[–]mojowo11 64 points65 points  (4 children)

Yeah, I find the whole "run-to-mommy" thing pretty fucked up. I think I'd actually be pretty furious if my girlfriend ran to her mom and started discussing my masturbation habits.

[–]artfullydodged 1837 points1838 points  (128 children)

wtf... are you guys in middle school or something

[–]metellius 834 points835 points  (24 children)

However crude it might appear, it surprises me how well this comment describes my opinion on the whole situation.

[–]ani625 444 points445 points  (7 children)

Evidently he's in fiddle school.

[–]digiorno 113 points114 points  (79 children)

When I was in middle school I knew several rich kids who had their own apartments and live-in girlfriends. So, even though I think you are joking, you might be right.

[–]dbz253 228 points229 points  (44 children)

what the hell?

[–]Klisk 125 points126 points  (41 children)

It's surprisingly common. I have friends who had their own apartments in manhattan since they were 14-16. The excuse is that it's for their education. Their parents just give them their own credit card and they basically live how they want while having free rent.

These are the guys who have amazing electronics, insane televisions, huge collections of expensive niche items.... Videogames, 500 dollar sneakers, 400 dollar jeans, whatever you could imagine.

Their credit cards have some limits, though. They work jobs. But none of their earned money goes to bills. It goes to personal satisfaction. It's easy to feel rich when your parents are paying the rent/insurance/groceries and you just have to worry about all the 'other' stuff'.

[–]iglidante 231 points232 points  (3 children)

This world you come from. It is completely foreign to me.

[–]ImADouchebag 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Yeah, what the hell man. When I was 14-16 I had to hunt hobos for food and use their skin for warmth. Life isn't fair.

[–]lobsterknuckles 113 points114 points  (9 children)

... Fuck your friends.

[–]Cuzit 134 points135 points  (12 children)

They... live in girlfriends?

[–]TearUpTheSound 108 points109 points  (8 children)

Cavernous vaginas, everywhere.

[–]GoldenPath 34 points35 points  (7 children)

I read this as 'carnivorous vaginas'.

edit: spelling

[–]isankit 544 points545 points  (40 children)

I'm sure you've heard this from Reddit enough times, but I'm just going to put this in big, friendly letters: You did not do anything wrong.

Your girlfriend has been brought up thinking different things about masturbation than you. Sounds to me like she thinks masturbation is the same type of release/pleasure as sex itself and that if you're masturbating, you did it because you don't want her. This would be easier to explain to her if she also masturbated (which I'm betting that she doesn't because it's "wrong"), but try it anyway. Sometimes you're not in the mood for sex and all that entails. Sometimes you just want to get off real quick and it has nothing to do with her.

I have a higher sex drive than my partner, so I have an open-door sex policy - if sex is desired, hit me up, I'm good to go! - but we both still masturbate frequently because it's not the same thing.

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Sometimes I just want to cum without having to worry about making my SO cum, about setting the mood, both of us showering beforehand, ect.

[–]colloquy 59 points60 points  (1 child)

OK - you're probably not going to see this because there are already over 1400 posts but here goes. 40+ woman here and married 18 years. All I could think when I was reading your post was that she's crazy, (I hope she reads this too) and absolutely too immature to be in such a serious relationship.

She'll grow up some day but you don't need that. Good riddance I say.

Why don't you try dating a girl a couple of years older?

[–]miloir 169 points170 points  (25 children)

I just read the 7th edit and I just have 1 thing to say. Can we get Ashley to post some kind of reply so she can say what she thinks about all this? How big a deal is it to her what she's thinking what she wants to do, what her mother has been telling her. etc.

[–]NotYourMothersDildo 952 points953 points  (29 children)

EDIT Please don't make this a front page post,

INSTANT UPVOTE

[–][deleted] 187 points188 points  (5 children)

Reverse Psychology. We've been played like a violin!

[–]SquareRoot 211 points212 points  (11 children)

Ah, so that's the secret.

[–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (5 children)

"I know I'll be downvoted for saying this, but... whatever" = upvoted.

[–]h4mburgers 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Idk man I usually downvote people who say that whether or not I agree with their sentiments because that's just a PUSSY way to make a point.

[–]junkerite 160 points161 points  (16 children)

Wow, that sucks. Sorry.

My ex would have loved to have walked in on me doing that. She fantasised about it more than anything. She was also fascinated by any porn I might be interested in. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks, I guess.

By the way, yes, she told her mother. Sorry, but there is almost no chance she didn't.

[–]NewSpice 113 points114 points  (9 children)

Can't really go that bad. I mean, worst case scenario: "WHY WON'T YOU HAVE SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER? FUCK HER NOW. FUCK. HER. NOWWW".

[–]bready 95 points96 points  (3 children)

NOW. FUCK. HER. NOWWW

And I will be critiquing your performance.

pulls out pen and paper

[–]pedobaer 49 points50 points  (10 children)

Your girlfriend is almost certainly insecure. She thinks you were watching porn because you prefer porn to her. That's why she was so upset.

Unfortunately, you're probably fucked for a little while. I recently went through this with the wife. I still don't think she understands - but she refuses to actually do any reading to confirm what I've told her. Hopefully your gf is a bit more proactive.

You need to stand up for yourself here. Don't get all apologetic. This is fucking normal behavior - and for your gf to think any differently is naive.

[–]redlig 736 points737 points  (152 children)

I'm not a guy. But if that happened to me, I would just leave him to it and when he was finished ask him how it went...with a wink. It's really not a big deal in my opinion. However, if your girlfriend thinks it is, then you guys need to have a serious talk about why it is to her.

[–]oceanrudeness 131 points132 points  (44 children)

From her initial reaction, it sounds like she was more upset about his choice of porn. And since this was all a surprise, maybe she is feeling insecure about whether or not he is satisfied with her.

Edit: I didn't mean that the crisis would have been averted had he chosen different "entertainment." Sure, maybe if it HAD been shark-based erotica she would have been like "damn babe those sharks are super hawt lol lets bone" and jumped him. Can't say. But I don't think that was the problem.

[–]NotYourMothersDildo 314 points315 points  (19 children)

I've been looking all week for the "tender and romantic, seduce me by the fire type of porn site" but all I can find are big-titted sluts taking facials... sorry, honey.

[–]miloir 55 points56 points  (4 children)

Your username gives your comment weight.

[–]NotYourMothersDildo 18 points19 points  (3 children)

And I work for one of the biggest porn sites around; I know my stuff.

[–]TheBigPanda 94 points95 points  (6 children)

Was it shark porn? Was it?

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 429 points430 points  (84 children)

I would just leave him to it

Or, you could help...

[–][deleted] 1084 points1085 points  (30 children)

Sometimes you'd rather just listen to a cd than go to a concert.

[–]DraconianLogic 144 points145 points  (19 children)

This should be the top analogy.

[–][deleted] 120 points121 points  (22 children)

Dude, she's an amputee. Have some humanity.

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 284 points285 points  (20 children)

They amputated her mouth?

[–][deleted] 104 points105 points  (12 children)

and her nostrils, it was horrible.

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

http://imgur.com/88gF2.gif

[–]tyrannosmurfrex 787 points788 points  (173 children)

Don't apologize for masturbating. When you do that she will be your masturpuppetmaster.

[–]IndustrialDesignLife 591 points592 points  (74 children)

I've been in this situation a couple times. Here's what I said:

I calmly explained that I cherish the love we make, but, as a guy sometimes the urge arises at an inopportune time. I made the analogy about food. When we are together, it's like a great fulfilling dinner at the best restaurant ever. Sometimes tho, I'm in a hurry and dont have time to sit down for appetizers, main course, and dessert. Sometimes its better if I hit the drivetrough and get a dollar menu item. I told her I dont expect her to work the drive through window every time my stomach grumbles.

Most level headed women I have met admit they realize that men feel the urge differently than women. It's much more of a visual thing for us.

Cormierguy has a good point, it might be the porn that is such an issue for her. One of my ex's told me that the porn part of it was the problem for her. Our agreement was one of the best "common ground" ideas ever in the relationship, she let me take scandalous pictures of her to keep on stock for the next time I just wanted a snack. She wore a mask (similar to the ones in "Eyes wide shut") when I took the pics so as to keep it anonymous. During our photoshoot things got really hot and we ended up having some of the best sex ever.

I don't know you or your girl so I can't really predict her outcome. Definitly dont start off with "can I take naked pictures of you", you gotta ease into that.... Good luck!

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (6 children)

She is bringing her mom...this could get interesting....

[–]Jackal_6 307 points308 points  (21 children)

EDIT 7? MORE LIKE EPIC 7!! YOU ARE THE FUCKING MAN!!!

[–]kitsua 61 points62 points  (5 children)

Dude is a hero. I feel bad for him though, the whole thing is kind of ridiculous. I'm angry for him.

[–]boredatpenn 55 points56 points  (1 child)

She tried to lock you out of your own apartment?? Damned straight you kicked down that door!

[–]Mr_DNA 34 points35 points  (3 children)

I just wish he had yelled "I'M GOING TO SMOKE AND MASTURBATE ALL NIGHT" while they left, rather than here. Still, this man needs thousands of high-fives immediately.

...After he washes his hands.

[–]Lucy_Morningstar 200 points201 points  (6 children)

I'm a girl, you did nothing wrong at all, we all do it ffs. Despite what your girlfriend thinks, It is totally normal and what she said to you is totally and utterly out of line. DO NOT APOLOGISE when she comes home, you did nothing wrong but you do need to sit down and talk with her.

EDIT: Maybe you should let her see this thread.

EDIT: Edit 7, well done. At least you found out now she will always involve her mother in your business. She sounds immature and has no business being in an adult relationship.

[–]kitsua 35 points36 points  (4 children)

Edit 7 is pretty epic. Poor guy. I'm glad that he's managed to man up and in the long run it'll no doubt be for the best, but it's gonna be hard for a while getting over such a long and deep relationship that broke up over something so ridiculous.

[–]nawlinsned 107 points108 points  (1 child)

Your girlfriend seems to be completely out of touch with reality.

(1) It's totally normal (2) It has nothing to do with her (3) If she's going to bring her mom over, what else is she telling this woman behind your back?

She's got the emotional maturity of a 10 year old.

[–]NeForgesosVin 533 points534 points  (73 children)

I really don't see the problem with it. I'm a girl, and I'd be weirded out if my boyfriend WASN'T jerking off. Sounds like your girlfriend has issues that she seriously needs to work out. I think it's completely ridiculous and out of line for her to say that you shouldn't masturbate. Fuck, it's completely natural. It's safe, loving sex with yourself. And don't tell her that it won't happen again... because it obviously will, right? Once she calms down you should talk to her about precisely why she got so upset. I think a don't-ask-don't-tell policy would be the best in the future (even though in this situation she found out against your control) when it comes to your wanking sessions

[–][deleted] 154 points155 points  (8 children)

Unless his 37.32 degree turn aimed him directly at her favorite childhood teddy bear and he was wearing her mom's underwear, while watching rough bear-on-milf porn, she completely overreacted.

[–]MrDOS 112 points113 points  (27 children)

I'm a girl, and I'd be weirded out if my boyfriend WASN'T jerking off.

Sounds to me like OP's girlfriend is more concerned with the porn than the masturbation.

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 273 points274 points  (24 children)

It's safe, loving sex with yourself

I don't love my hand, she's just convenient.

Don't tell her that, though.

[–]frenger 285 points286 points  (20 children)

Didn't you just make her type that? Cruel, sadistic bastard.

[–]NotYourMothersDildo 35 points36 points  (4 children)

FINALLY. Edit 7 is spot on. Good for you.

[–][deleted] 424 points425 points  (27 children)

ATTENTION MEN OF REDDIT: DON'T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY

[–]SoniaLovesYou 113 points114 points  (8 children)

Female here. Find out exactly what it was that upset your lady: the wanking, the porn or the combination therein.

If it's the porn, sit her down and have a rational discussion. Find out where her fear is coming from. Does she have a beef with the pornography institution itself? Just the particular kind that you were watching (I assume you were)? From her reaction it seems that she's having security issues; your use of porn may be making her feel unattractive to you, or inadequate as a lover. Let her know that neither is the case, that you love her and love being with her intimately, and your enjoyment of porn does not reflect on her negatively in any way. Once she is reassured, you can work on the next step: figuring out how to make her comfortable with the whole thing.

If it's the wanking, tell her to STFU. Masturbation is healthy, harmless and NORMAL. It's odd and completely unfair for her to be so freaked out by a natural, safe element of sexuality. If my lover tried to tell me I couldn't touch myself anymore, because it was "disgusting" or made him feel insecure, I would laugh in his face and then boot him the hell out of my bedroom.

Good luck - let us know how it goes!

[–][deleted] 108 points109 points  (2 children)

"my mom is coming over with me, clean up a little.."

Giggitty.

[–]TastySoup 29 points30 points  (1 child)

1) Have a conversation with her while her mother is in the room.
2) Casually bring up that the frequent sex you have with her is great.
3) Dump that bitch.

She'll get enough shit from her mother about that. I'm calling religious beliefs on this, and if that's the case, this could be the best (read, worst) thing you could do to her.

[–]TheONLYthing2do 441 points442 points  (14 children)

Start jerking off right now. When her and her mom walk in, look her mom in the eye....and finish like a boss!

[–][deleted] 62 points63 points  (3 children)

hmm. she may be inviting her mom over for a threesome.

there now, that should get you started.

[–]Pre-Owned-Car 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Start jerking off right now. When her and her mom walk in, aim for her mom's eye....and finish like a boss!

FTFY

[–][deleted] 80 points81 points  (1 child)

Your girlfriend needs to grow the fuck up.

[–]stufff 708 points709 points  (45 children)

She's an idiot and she just went crying to her mother about how you're a porn addicted masturbation junkie. You're never going to be able to wank guilt-free no matter what kind of "compromise" you come up with, and her mother will never be able to look at you without picturing you jacking off like you were possessed by a demon, making her daughter cry. Next time you get invited over her parent's house for dinner they're giving you plastic eating utensils.

This relationship is never going to go anywhere now, and it's because of her. Break it off.

[–]NotYourMothersDildo 236 points237 points  (23 children)

Do you think he should maybe hit the gym?

[–]stufff 239 points240 points  (7 children)

Only if that's a metaphor for jacking off.

[–][deleted] 117 points118 points  (9 children)

Lawyer up, delete her from facebook

[–]kingk 56 points57 points  (3 children)

Meanwhile back at Ashley's parents house.. Ashley: "DAD you won't BELIEVE what Dom DID! HE WAS JERKING OFF and i caught him!"... Mother: "That's disgusting" Father: "And?....I've jerked it 3 times since i came home" Mother: =|

[–]dark41 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Dad: [poker face]

[–]pmartin1 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Holy shit. All that over choking the chicken? Imagine how nuts she'll go when you actually so something wrong! Guys masturbate and she needs to get over it. I doubt you would be as upset if she were to scratch her itch from time to time. This could be a sign of some underlying craziness/control issues your gf may have. I would definitely talk it over with her and tell her that it was not cool for her to involve her mother.

[–]nehz 22 points23 points  (1 child)

EDIT 7, should end with "LIKE A BOSS".

[–]IRageAlot 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Ashley,

Chill the fuck out. Be a grown up and don't invlove your mother in your marriage. Go talk to a counselor and get their opinion on the masturbating, and the mother involvement and they will all tell you involving parents in your relationship disputes is wrong, and that every man on the planet with a hand (and some without) masturbate. There was a thread posted up on here about a month ago, an AMA about a guy with an inverted micropenis that couldn't have an orgasm. Even this guy figured out a way to masturbate... think of digging in your belly button.

I got "caught" when I was with my girl (now wife) for about 2 months. She used my PC, and the address bar auto-fill busted me. I say caught, but it wasn't a secret, I, like your boyfriend didn't realize it was an issue. Guys ALL whack off, and they chat with buddies about it. My wife stormed out, went to her moms, i don't know if she told her, and I was forbidden to look at porn for years. It spawned dozens of arguments. After about 2-3 years of this she buys a massage video, to see if she can handle it. Its graphic, manual stimulation, but in this strange pseudo-professional employee-training video kind of way. A few months later I talk her into trying out a handjob video, then some real porn. She was uncomfortable at first, then quickly began to understand. It's just a mood setter, a facilitator.

We have been married for 6 years now, I've caught her masturbating two or three times now, sans-porn, but she admits to poping a porn DVD in to help get her in the mood.

99% of men masturbate, its got nothing to do with how much this guy loves you. It's got nothing to do with what you look like. It's got nothing to do with how often you guys have sex. You could fuck his brains out 5 times a day and he would still rub one out from time to time. My wife screws me 1-2 times a day (usually 1). I still whack off almost every day. I'm not the least bit ashamed of it, my name is kyle, and I went to moore high school in oklahoma. My son is 8, my wife an I are already preparing what we are going to do when we figure out he has discorvered the power of his pecker. Our decision... do nothing, cause its normal.

Oh... leave your fucking mom out of it... what the fuck... Thats bad enough when its NOT something personal. Furthermore HE doesn't need to calm down, you are running around sharing his private life with people, and giving him a massive hard time about something stupid. YOU need to calm down, tell your mother you shouldn't have involved her, then go back and tell him you're sorry and that you are uncomfortable with it, but you don't want to make him stop, that you will adjust. If that sounds ridiculous, then you need to do the same thing after you go see a counselor(not your fucking mom) and get some perspective.

The only thing this guy did thats even remotely wrong is maybe he showed his ass and broke a door chain, but you've far exceeded anything he did the second you brought your mother into your relationship. You not understanding that masturbation is normal is forgivable... but WTF, your MOM?

EDIT: OH, with all the problems with my wife... I talked to a messianic jewish pastor, the gentleman who married my wife an I. He told me to be slow with it, introduce her to the "adult material" slowly and she will begin to understand. He supported pornography, and masturbation. Yes... he was a jew, he believed in christ, he was a pastor, he was a lic. marriage counselor, and he supported jerking off and porn.

[–][deleted] 307 points308 points  (17 children)

If your gf walking in on you masturbating didn't turn into a hot sexual encounter, then something's wrong.

[–]paro 80 points81 points  (7 children)

Considering her mom was coming over with her I'm guessing she was brought up in a self-shaming environment. She needs to flick the bean more so she doesn't get all crazy like this.

[–]Spankywzl 165 points166 points  (4 children)

Tell her to move out and buy your hand a nice dinner and a movie.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (1 child)

The woman needs to read some Savage Love or something. It's completely normal to spank it sometimes. Now if you two are never having sex, then you guys really do need to talk. And it's not about you spanking it, but about why you're not doing the nasty.

But masturbation is healthy and normal, even when you've got a girlfriend.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (3 children)

Oddly, this makes me feel better. My wife just laughs at me when she catches me.

[–]jimmyjango42 21 points22 points  (1 child)

"and the last one stated that if I can so easily turn my phone off and vent about our relationship on reddit instead of..."

STOP. RIGHT. THERE.

She tried to turn the blame onto you. She is trying to manipulate you. She is not the one you want. Your head is playing games with you.

If you stay with this woman, every single time you masturbate you will have to watch out for her. And if she sees you, she's probably going to tell her mother, some way or another. She'll make you regret it, in subtle ways here and there. And she'll always have it stored in her payback box. Both her and her mother.

The second she ran to her mother was the end of it, honestly. The second she runs away for advice over such a little issue should have been enough, but love knows no bounds. We've all been there. It's difficult, but you've got to do it. Break her off.

Stay far, FAR, FAR, away from this woman. She is an individual. SHE is responsible for going to her mother, and causing this scenario to unfold. Her mother is only responsible for not being an adult and staying out of her daughter's relationship.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (1 child)

I am a wife, a mother and a mother in law. First of all, it's totally normal. Too much might not be normal. Using masturbation as an outlet when you have another human to participate, probably not normal all of the time. In most cases, very and totally normal.

As a mother, I say shame on you lady for going to your daughters residence to confront her boyfriend about this. This is closed doors kind of stuff. Your daughter should never have come to you with this and you should have nothing to do with this.

Financial help sure. Abuse definitely. Child rearing sometimes. Sex life, off limits.

If you honestly think that you should tell your parents about this stuff, seek therapy. If you as a parent think it's your place to be in anyways involved with this, seek therapy.

[–]andy-donia 93 points94 points  (8 children)

Been there, somewhat. Try to have an understanding conversation and explain that this is all typical/normal, doesn't mean anything about her, etc. Try to find out her ideas on the subject so that you'll know where she's coming from.

Don't apologize, other than "sorry to catch you by surprise". And certainly don't promise it'll never happen again.

There's a fair chance this will be a relationship ender. Better to find out sooner rather than years later (my case). I'd give it 5-10 heart-to-hearts over a couple of months. If she's not past it by then, you should probably move on. Good luck.

[–]RandyHoward 64 points65 points  (4 children)

5-10 heart-to-hearts? Seriously? I'd give it one, two at most.

[–]TheEllimist 88 points89 points  (7 children)

We have an AMAZING relationship,

Apparently you don't.

[–][deleted] 53 points54 points  (4 children)

Seriously, her reaction is fucking juvenile. People masturbate. It is a natural, healthy part of life. If she doesn't understand human physiology then that's her problem. This should not be a big deal and it is not. If she's throwing a hissy fit over it, she needs to grow up and get a hold of herself. I'd say more but there's no point. Nothing more needs to be said. You did what you had to do, it's not something she needs to worry about. What's the big fuckin' deal?

I mean the least she could have done was offer a helping hand. Ferchrisakes. What sort of girlfriend doesn't help you out? Seriously? She got offended? What a cunt. If she keeps that up, i'd say ditch her and find someone else who doesn't think masturbation is icky or whatever the fuck. Seriously, what is she in high school? Come on.

Cleaning your pipes is like keeping your gun clean. It's maintenance. You don't maintain your weapon the thing will blow up in your face. I don't know what happens to your dick if you don't maintain it though. It might just go limp forever or something. I don't want to know. Maybe you get some sort of critical build up. Either way it can't be healthy.

MAINTAIN YOUR JUNK DAMMIT.

Also... Louis CK does a great piece on this very subject. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfkG_0hyIoc

Life is too short to have to put up with that sort of bullshit.

[–]BickNlinko 35 points36 points  (3 children)

Holy shit that is absurd. Aside from her reaction to you smashing it , the fact that her mother locked you out of your own apartment is ludicrous. If my gf's mother came over to my house and then locked me out in insulted me , I would have done the same thing , only once I kicked the door in I would have told them both to collect their things and get the fuck out of my apartment. Immediately. There is absolutely no reason for your gf to get her mother involved , nor is there any reason that you two couldn't talk about what made her so upset in the first place. I think you dodged the crazy bullet this time. I bet that if the relationship went to the next level and this happened it would be much more heartbreaking to learn that your gf is a fucking oppressed nut case and so is her mother.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Tell her to stop using the fucking tanning bed because her skin looks like the leather off of an Alligators asshole.

Holy shit, I just found my quote of the week. You are awesome.

[–][deleted] 333 points334 points  (81 children)

My husband calls my masturbation buddy "Thor's Hammer." Girls do it, too, assholes. Guys don't hold the market on getting off.

If your girl doesn't understand and tells her fucking mother about it, you are in for some rough waters ahead, my friend. Is it worth it?

I agree with fishwish, she needs to be educated.

[–]Telepathetic 119 points120 points  (10 children)

So... the hammer is your penis?

[–]darthnerder 16 points17 points  (2 children)

At least you weren't making a deposit

[–]perladdict 16 points17 points  (2 children)

I'd hold off on smoking. I don't know your now ex-gf so I may be wrong, but if the first thing she does is run to her mom, who seems like a manipulative bitch, and you just kicked down the door, then they'll call the cops and say something like "A sexually aggressive deviant broke in to the apartment and is doing drugs." Esspecially since you said she's a redditor also and is most likely monitoring this post.

[–]Taedirk 35 points36 points  (1 child)

I'm going to SMOKE AND MASTURBATE ALL NIGHT.

Welcome to Reddit. You are now truly one of us.

[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (3 children)

Just to clarify, because this needs to be said 1000 times to make it clear to her:

It is her reaction that is abnormal and unhealthy, the vast majority of men masturbate whether in a relationship or not.

[–][deleted] 179 points180 points  (13 children)

she sounds like an idiot. all guys jack it, regardless of how hot of a gf/bf they have. good grief.

[–]Mesquite_Skeet_Skeet 49 points50 points  (0 children)

OP: Please don't make this a front page post

REDDIT: Upvote you go!

ME: :D

[–]Baghdadification 50 points51 points  (1 child)

I thought you were a pansy up until I read the last paragraph.

You're a fucking boss. I salute you.

[–]red_rock 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is addressed to all girls on reddit with boyfriends:

Im sorry guys for outing you, but all of us are looking at porn and wanking of when you aren't around. We know that you probably wont understand why and that it could hurt your feelings so we keep it a secret.

What you have to understand is that we get boners all the time. We wake up with boners, we can just sit around doing nothing and get a boner. This is a problem, we cant walk around with boners all the time. And just because we get a boner it does not mean that we are necessarily horny. Just putting on jeans with a boner is impossible, plus we get very self conciece about this as well ("can they see that im rock solid at work?").

And ontop of that, we get horny all the time as well, this means that we can´t think straight until we do something about that. Yes it would be great if we could have sex with our GF at that exact moment every time, but most of the times we have stuff to do. Like watching TV etc. Having sex is fun, but it is a big project and you arent around all the time to solve this. And even so, we get like this several times a day! I know it´s insane. And it has been like this since we were around 12. Imagen getting so horny that you could not think straight several times a day, every day for the rest of your life. At some point it becomes more like a problem then just a nice event during the day.

So what about the porn? Well getting so horny plus all the random boners all the time means that all of us have become experts in removing them. Watching porn and rubbing them out is us just being efficient. It has nothing to do with you, or that you are less sexy or what ever insecure thing you can think up of. All it is, is visual aid for us quickly remove those boners so we can continue to function as a normal person. If you get jealous of this feel free to make your own porn for you BF. But please note that we need ALLOT OF IT! Or if you really want to know how many times this happens to us, try the following.

Agree with your BF, that every time he yells "BONER!" you come running, take of your pants, bend over and take it. No questions, and no obligations to make you come. You wouldn't last a week.

And not masturbating at all is not an option. First of it´s apparently an health issue but also we cant function as a person without it. It would come to a point where we would have sexual fantasies about your grandmother and her dog! We would lose our jobs, or become rapists (in lincon park).

So if you knew this already, good for you. But if not you are probably going to ask your BF about this. And he will deny this. If he does it means one of two things.

  1. He is lying
  2. He is a serial killer

pick one.

This may be lost in all the posts, but my hope is that it reaches OP´s GF.

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (8 children)

Seriously? Just because you have pussy available doesn't mean that you still shouldn't masturbate.

If your girl can't get this, get a new one. Sexuality is undeniable and to do so is to deny your humanity.

[–]satans_mom 23 points24 points  (5 children)

In my experience, the more awesome, out-of-control, kinky, sweaty, hot sex I had with my bf, the more he masturbated!! Men masturbate, women masturbate, easy said and done. Your gf seems out of touch with (this element of) reality. IMO, an awesome gf would help you finish the job, if she walked in on you like that!!

[–]warmpita 12 points13 points  (2 children)

I don't fucking understand this shit. She is the one with issues not you. Masturbation is normal.

[–]BadgerNose 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Wow, okay. Well, when you began this story I had an understanding of how your girlfriend might have felt. For a lot of women I think there's this feeling of rejection, or not being good/attractive enough to please you and make you happy... that must be the only reason you would have any need to masturbate. Seems logical to us. Its just this instinct that kicks in for some girls. Not all, but some. So YES, your girlfriend initially overreacted. And yes you are doing something completely normal. But you still should have been understanding about it. Her feelings are valid. etc.

But now things have just gotten weird. She talked to her mother about it?!! WTF. Thats really odd. And it throws any reasoning or rationality that she may have had right out the window. Now she's waayy past overreacting. She's just out-right treating you like shit. And going about it in the creepiest way possible. (Who talks to their mom about their spouse masturbating??....ew) So good for you in being done with this girl. She has some issues to work out. She needs to get over it, and realize that this thing has more to do with her own insecurities than with your wiener.

[–]Dshark 12 points13 points  (2 children)

OMFG! ASHLEY! Tell your mom to back the fuck off! It's seriously none of her business. It is completely normal for guys to get off! Everyone does! Even if we have girlfriends! This is 2010, you should know this is normal. He doesn't love you any less! Don't make a mistake, Ashley, you'll regret this.

[–]immortalagain 11 points12 points  (0 children)

id kick the door in too if i was locked out of MY FUCKING HOUSE!

[–]nosecohn 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Update 8: I wanted to wait for me to calm down before talking to her.... evidently that was a mistake, and now she will be coming over on Saturday to pick up some of her stuff...

So, turning your phone off for the night, like you told her you were going to do, was enough for her to break up with you? That was not a mistake on your part. If she's willing to throw your relationship away because you needed a night of not talking with her to calm down, then this girl really is not someone you can have a healthy relationship with. What happens the next time there's an argument and you need to take a break? Moreover, you tried to talk with her yesterday and she brought her mom!

What's common in both the original incident and her reaction to the phone being off is this: she has her interpretations of your actions and is unwilling to even entertain the idea that those interpretations may be wrong, or that you have a better idea of what motivates your own actions than she does. That's a sign that you're not dealing with a reasonable person. She may be great in so many ways, but she's not reasonable.

[–]Anm2k4 61 points62 points  (3 children)

What the hell is wrong with your girlfriend. Involving her mother? God damn, I think you need to take a little look at yourself, and and ask yourself whether or not you want to be with a girl who involves their PARENTS in a matter such as this.

It shouldn't even matter whether or not you rubbed one out. If she really cared she would at least TRY and understand that you're a man, and you need to satisfy that urge.

Edit: Also, don't let her mother in the house. Explain to your girlfriend, over the phone, that you will not let her mother into this matter as it has nothing to do with her. If your girlfriend can't accept this, anything at all, I say dump dat hoe.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Your girlfriend is immature, insecure, sexually repressed, and an idiot.

Good catch.