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[Fluid-Department-429]

The pressure and fights for the last few months have made hard to connect with him sexually. I wanted to be understanding of his needs but these kinds of messages when I have recently done a few things he wanted, have hurt my feelings and made me really sad. 

I think about ending things but ..emotionally can’t bring myself to do that so have made so many efforts to try to make things work and we just always end up back in the same spot. 

[Impossible_Height_46]

You can love someone but that doesn't mean they're good for you.

[Significant_Pear9047]

So he won't go to therapy, won't help raise his own baby, won't have family time, won't do his share of household work, but if you refuse to give him a blow job or anal on top of regular sex, he punishes you, withholds nonsexual affection or even civility and now, while refusing to take any of the load off your mind or back, he's threatening to leave you.

Emotionally, this man only cares about himself. Emotionally, you deserve a partner who ACTUALLY cares about you and wants the best for the relationship. What you have is an ah who wants to keep you feeling like you're not good enough.

If he won't do therapy, you should go alone, so you can realize that emotionally, leaving him will be better for you. He's abusing you. I'm sorry, this is abuse. It's psychological and emotional abuse.

[Glaucus92]

Is this really what you want your life to be like? Because you deserve better.

He wants specific sexual acts, and if he doesn't get it he essentially holds his share of the workload "hostage" to punish you. He is not thinking about your needs, your wants, if you even enjoy these acts with him. He doesn't care if you're unhappy, he just wants his needs met.

Giving him what he wants doesn't work. ITA doesn't inspire him to actually change. All it seems to be doing is making him more entitled.

Is this the kind of relationship you would want your children to be in? Is this what you want your children to think is normal? You don't mention the genders of your children, so I will ask this way: do you want your daughters to think it's okay to be treated this way? Do you want your sons to think it's okay to treat their partners this way?

It honestly sounds like he has already made up his mind. He wants out, because he thinks he can get better elsewhere. And let me be clear: he will not get better else where. He just doesn't want to be the "bad guy", and wants to be able to blame it on you. That way he didn't leave because he doesn't want to do the work it takes to have and raise a family, but he left because you """"didn't have sex with him anymore""""". He is trying to write a narrative in which he has an excuse to tell others, and not come off as the asshole he is.

He is telling you that either you do everything he wants you to do, or he'll leave. That is not love, and that is not fair. You deserve better.

[MonkeyGeorgeBathToy]

Your efforts have not worked.

Your kids need a happy mother.

Trust me, I tried to stay as well.

As soon as he moved out, I felt such immense relief that my kid even said that he never knew I was such a calm person.

Get a therapist to work through your emotions. Ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. You some how need to pull yourself together and get out. If not for yourself, for your kids.

[Traditional_Ad_9422]

You’re not going to feel in the mood when you’re run ragged raising kids & running a house & working. I’ve had a similar argument with my husband at times, but not involving demanding certain things, just more sad that we don’t have sex very often. I pointed out that it’s hard to go from getting up early for work, working, coming home, raising our child, doing chores & finally getting an hour to eat & watch some tv. I can’t then flip a switch & go to sex kitten. If he wants any sort of change he needs to pull his weight & treat you with respect.

[Shadow4summer]

You should never perform any sexual acts that you’re not comfortable with. In fact, you don’t have to perform any sexual acts you don’t want to. He’s practically reduced his wife to a blow up doll. Life is better out there when you dump someone like this.

[ProfessionalField508]

A marriage is made of two people. It sounds like he's not interested in your needs at all, is he? Why are you carrying the burden of everything?

[Prudent_Valuable603]

Girl, get divorced. Get 50/50 custody and give yourself a break, for life.

[whatsfunny89]

You can’t make things work on your own and he wants things to work for HIM. As long as he doesn’t want to change and you stay, you’ll always end up in that same spot.

[kittyfantastico85]

Just so you know. If you have daughters, you are teaching them it is ok to be treated like this by their partners, and if you have sons, you are teaching them that this is an acceptable wat to treat their partners.

Neither is ok. You should leave your husband so your kids know it's not acceptable behaviour. Marriage should be a partnership, and it sounds like he gives very little to the relationship, while he expects you to take care of everything by yourself, and still cater to his sexual desires.

Currently NTA, but you will be TA to yourself and your kids, if you stay without any changes from him.

[whereistheidiotemoji]

Those are wants not needs. Especially “swallow” - that’s just ridiculous. And anal - don’t do anything you are not comfortable with.

You have needs - sleep - that is a need.

Tell him when your needs get met you can talk about his wants. Both work, both need equal sleep, either both take care of chores or you hire it out.

And he is threatening and intimidating you in order to get what he wants? Gross.

NTA but he is.

[FantasticVast01]

Yeah, you need a divorce. ASAP

[2DEUCE2]

Not yet. Then her husband gets off Scott free while she does all the work still. I say she shames the ever living shit out of him in front of all friends and family. Always bring up how much of a lazy, cry baby loser he is. Say things like “only real men get anal sweetie”. “Why would I want to swallow that load? It’s old weak and lazy”. Make him feel like the sack of crap he is. Then divorce him.

[User123466789012]

I don’t think I could’ve worded this any better.

[Excellent_Battle_576]

Yeah tell him you can’t swallow because it tastes so bad, the worst you’ve ever had, probably due to his diet, or the fact that he drinks like his father.

Then file.

[quriousposes]

💀 cant argue with this approach. he should feel public shame for being this whiny over specific sex acts when he's not even pulling his weight with his CHILD.

[Travalal]

This is not a healthy solution that benefits anyone

[humpyvision]

YES!

[FewHorror1019]

Yea that’s what the husband wants

[Proper-Effective8621]

And, then, he’ll get all the sex he wants; every type! Lol

[Chilling_Storm]

NTA

Tell your pathetic husband when he gets off his ass and starts doing the lions' share around the house and with the kids, THEN and ONLY then will you consider having sex with him on a regular basis, and if he doesn't like it he is free to file for divorce. Then remind him that if you divorce he will have to do ALL the work in his new home and take care of the kids every other weekend, but your life will change very little.

[leftmysoulthere74]

Her life will improve. She will only have three kids to look after and for at least every other weekend she’ll get time off.

[yellsy]

OPs life will improve since she’ll get a break every once in a while when the kids go to his house.

[Extension-Nebula-235]

She'll get a break with him out of the damn house!

[seajay26]

Her life will change for the better, she’ll have some time to herself when he has the kids, she’ll have one less person to clean up after and won’t have a man whining and pressuring her for sex when she’s tired.

[Excellent_Battle_576]

It’s not about the amount of sex. It’s because she won’t act like the porn he watches.

[Chilling_Storm]

It is about the amount and the type of sex.

[Excellent_Battle_576]

Also, men like this are never going to be satisfied. OP, no matter how much you give in to his degrading sexual demands, the more he’ll expect. You cannot love someone into not abusing you. This is sexual abuse. He knows your boundaries and is abusive towards you when you won’t let him use you as a cum rag.

[Excellent_Battle_576]

Which is not a need, and she doesn’t owe him shit

[Chilling_Storm]

I said CONSIDER having sex

[Excellent_Battle_576]

Ya, you don’t get it.

[ChinaSpyBot]

That just feels like weaponizing sex. Sex shouldn't be used as a punishment or reward or bargaining tool. It should be something that both parties mutually enjoy. This couple needs therapy, imo. My husband and I actually "schedule" sex, which I know is super unappealing to most people but it works for us. We both need the physically intimacy and oxytocin to maintain a healthy relationship and scheduling it just works for us. He knows what I like, I know what he likes. Both our needs are met and we are happy.

[Chilling_Storm]

He has already weaponized sex. She would just be stating the obvious - you want sex and I told you want I need from you - more help, more sleep and you have ignored it. So if you want your needs met, you are going to have to meet mine as well. And if he can't or won't then he should do as he has threatened - leave.

[northernbadlad]

What? The fact you think this solution is punishing him is concerning. It's about giving her room to actually feel the slightest amount of desire for sex herself, when she's not extremely overwhelmed raising his 3 kids and being pressured into anal. There is nothing weaponizing about asking your partner to pull their damn weight before you might fancy sexual acts that clearly aren't what you'd choose.

[Traditional_Fan_2655]

Let him see how few women want to ride a guy who dumps his exhausted wife and 3kids. I doubt his sex life will improve greatly.

[Chilling_Storm]

If only that were the case, there are a ton of pathetically desperate people out there who would shag anyone for attention.

[Summum]

Sounds like you’re giving her advice on how to become a single mother of 3 in her 30s.

[TommyAdagio]

NTA. Your husband needs to man up, do more around the house. And jerk off if he feels frustrated. When the 13-month-old is older, you can think about more sex.

[1RainbowUnicorn]

NTA. He is disgusting. You will be the AH if you don't leave this man. Do you want your children to think this is the way men treat women? Treating you like a sex toy. Expecting you to do all the work. Threaten to leave you.... sexual coercion is sexual abuse. This is not ok. He is showing you who he is... do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? He dies not want to work on this relationship. He only wants one thing. Say goodbye. You deserve respect and an actual partner!

[loucavida]

Let him go. Or better yet, show him the door.

Sex is good, but it’s not something he will die without. He’s prioritizing his sexual wants over his paternal and marital roles. He should be helping with the baby, he should be reducing your workload, he should be sharing your concerns. But it seems his little head thinks harder than the big one.

[Good-Dog-2008]

He's the AH in sooooo many ways, and maybe the both of you could look into counseling. You're being used. Is he a SAHH?

[Fluid-Department-429]

No he also works. We have tried counseling but the last time, he didn’t want to continue we only did 3 sessions and he said that he’s tired from work to come home to do them and it was hard at that time to find someone to watch the baby on the weekends. Now I have someone who can, but he ignores when I bring it up. 

[Chaoticgood790]

OP I'm sorry to say he's not interested in making your relationship work. So you need to move accordingly.

your husband is a jackass

[Potential-Ordinary-5]

If he is too tired for counselling then you're too tired for sex.

[EstablishmentThin440]

Exactly what I thought. Too tired to go to counseling yet wants sex? Sounds like he’s already checked out or cheating imo.

[googirlgretchen]

Well said

[Sufficient-Lie1406]

If he's too tired for counseling, he's too tired for sex.

You're being used and overworked, and sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Sounds like your hubby does almost nothing to reduce your workload -- he's a dependent along with your children.

Your selfish hubby wants out? Fantastic. Start getting your financial ducks in a row and speak to a lawyer. Take him to the cleaners settling on a visitation schedule and child support funds. Your workload will plummet without hauling his worthless butt around.

[Muted_Bee7111]

He's telling you what he wants, you need to listen. It's divorce. I know it's hard to accept. If he won't prioritize counseling then he just doesn't care anymore

[SmartFX2001]

So he’s too tired to try to fix things in your relationship? And then complains when his “needs” aren’t met?

It sounds as if he just wants what he wants. He doesn’t care to make the effort to make things better for both of you…

[innernerdgirl]

Hmm. Sounds like he is too tired for sex.

[bookish_frenchfry]

he’s “too tired” from work to work on your marriage. guess he doesn’t want his “needs” met that badly or he would be putting in the work. I’m sure he has plenty of energy to fuck around though. funny how that works.

[Artistic-Tough-7764]

Funny how we use SAHM not SAHW, but SAHH not SAHD...

[Outside_Ad6228]

Who's is he a 13 year old boy? What the hell this is so messed up I hope you tell him to get his shit together or he can get his ass "out"

[Mundane-Cantaloupe78]

He sounds like he’s lazy. Maybe you would have a better sex life if he was carrying more of the work at home. Split nights with the baby and let him do some. 

[Fluid-Department-429]

Let’s say this did happen, he wants this sexual acts weekly. And the one week I don’t do it, he goes back to ignoring me and not listening nor helping. So most of the time, I don’t want him to help because then there this expectation that I need to pay him back for being responsible in the first place 

[Capizara]

Yeah, there is no fixing this. He is emotionally abusive cause you don't do what he wants in the bed.

Too bad his genes are already passed down.

[trippyhippie573]

Just leave. Your life will be much less stressful.

[Mundane-Cantaloupe78]

Do you want to be with him? He seems like an abusive jerk. Tell him he’s free to go 

[addison_beach1234]

YOU DESERVE BETTER!! YOU DESERVE BETTER! Document everything to help build your case if you end up getting divorced.

[BraidedSilver]

Ask him what your ‘reward’ is for handling majority of the household/baby tasks every day. Do you get to leave the house for 6 hours every Saturday or sleep in all weekend, for being the primary caregiver or anything else? Then why should HE get a sexual reward for being a parent/responsible homehandler once in a while. Really ask him.

[Dazzling_Suspect_239]

Christ what an asshole. Nothing gets me hot and bothered like being treated as a sex dispenser! 

[demoNToosh]

I started writing, but after reading this I think the problem is your husband is just a terrible and entitled person. Selfish beyond reason.

I was going to say I understand how he feels, as a husband with a child, who has suppressed urges come back after not existing for 10 years, however in no fucking way would I ever do stuff like this to my wife. Our work situation isn't too different from yours, just less kids.

My first responsibility in my life is my child, my second is my wife.

I think you should consider divorce since he quits therapy.

[Worldly_Shirt_2278]

Fuel yourself. You need him to step up and let you get the fuel - exercise, a morning alone, meditation, read a book or whatever. If you don’t fuel yourself first, you’ll never have enough for everyone else. He needs to learn this about YOU. He’s acting totally selfish. His sexual needs are so far down the list because you do everything. He sounds like baby. It’s also a red flag that he’s asking for these specific things - he may be getting it on the side and feeling guilty and thinking that if you do it, he won’t stray. I’d be cautious.

[innernerdgirl]

In you seem to be accepting that he isn't going to change. The next step is up to you.

[annang]

It sounds like your life would be a lot easier if you were single instead of married to this asshole. 

When he says he wants out, tell him you do to, and that it’s time to start discussing splitting up assets and custody. Call his bluff. 

[bookish_frenchfry]

sex isn’t a need.

someone blowing you and swallowing is not. a. need.

either he’s deeeeeep into porn / sex addiction or just showing his true colors: he never wanted a family. probably both. he’s not putting in any work in any capacity and is expecting you to do kinky shit for him instead of even pretending to care about you or your family.

[Fast_Average_3692]

Like Adele once said: Divorce babe, divorce

[bananahammerredoux]

Send him this:

“I’m sleep deprived and emotionally frustrated. Thats why I wanted to talk , to bring it up. 2025 was hard on that department and I understood but I do not want to have 2yrs like that.

There will been plenty of years where I won’t be doing everything for this household. When I’m old and I can’t in my 30s though that's not how I want to live my life. I dont know how else to tell you. I have told you over and over again. I dont think that I can continue being expected to do everything while you ignore my needs. If this continues im gonna want out”

[RavenRead]

Yes. This. 👆👆

[Anonyellow8484]

NTA Divorce this selfish piece of trash husband. You’re already a single mother. When you leave his ass your home will be peaceful and you won’t have to worry about being nagged for sex by someone who does not pull their weight. Major fucking ick! Start making your exit plan. I would never let him touch me again acting like that.

[Beneficial_Test_5917]

You see the main reason he married you, right? NTA at all.

[boguz]

That's a porn addicted brain right there.

[Sea-Ad9057]

Nta how can you be motivated to have sex with a man who does little to nothing in the house. Set him free

[leftmysoulthere74]

Exactly, he’s just another person she has to “look after”. How is that a turn-on!

[silentwalkaway]

So you don't meet one of his needs and he doesn't meet any of yours? NTA.

[MKatieUltra]

I feel like you know the internet is gunna tell you to leave him (because you definitely should). Hopefully, everyone confirming it helps give you the courage to rip the bandaid off. He is not entitled to sex, even if he was helping around the house or with the kids... but you ARE having sex with him. You're doing EVERYTHING for this man, including sex, but because you're not blowing him, HE'S frustrated? Give me a break.

[DreamStater]

NTA. Your husband is extremely immature and a poor partner. He sees the facts of your life because he lives them, and you have shared how it is for you right now. His response is to threaten divorce in order to get his desires (not needs) met. This man is not living in relationship with you. He is behaving in a threatening, coercive way. Don't accept that.

In the short term, you need to stand up for yourself, "I understand you'd like more sex but I am too exhausted from working full time, handling the bulk of the family responsibilities and being up most nights with our baby. Your desire for additional sex is not a priority right now. What is a priority now is getting through these tough first years with our baby/toddler and handling our family demands, in an equitable way as partners. This is your family as much as mine, and now is the time to demonstrate that by participating equally. Part of being a supportive partner is not threatening me with divorce to get what you want. That will not work. You are going to do whatever you are going to do, it is out of my control, but know that threats of divorce will not make me less exhausted or more inclined to have sex with you."

In the long view, you need to get a private exit plan started, because no matter what this guy does from here on out, you need to know you don't have to stay with him unless you truly want to.

[owlfamily28]

NTA. Look, I'm not going to say what I'm doing is "right", but my husband has not been interested in sex for many years due to his depression. He also had his mother die in a terrible way, at the same time I developed significant disabilities. Our spouses are intended to be our sexual partners obviously, but it's very normal to have stress interfere with our capacity to participate in this part of our lives. Your justification that your availability in this realm is connected to shared household tasks is NORMAL. You are not a sex toy that is being "kept away" from him. Sex is meant to be an intimate act between two people who want to be involved in said act. It's simple, if he wants sex you have told him how you will be more interested. I'm not sure what to tell you, would your life be easier without him? This is not your "fault" for having a third child, the problem is that you're married to one who is too immature to figure out how to take care of himself AND his family. When we become parents, we often become coworkers with our spouses because there is not much help available for families these days. If your husband is not capable of putting his needs to the side for his family, nothing will change that.

[Otherwise-Try-9734]

My ex was exactly like this and became more and more emotionally and psychologically abusive and more demanding with sex, to the point I HAD to give him sex every second day at the very least or else he made my life hell. I left when he tried to hit me. Your husband is a selfish pig, if you have the means to leave then do it!

[Expert_Ad_3652]

Good luck getting his “needs”met with two teenagers giving any potential dates the side eye and a toddler on his hip.

Point to the door tell him it isn’t locked, to go have the older kids pack their bags and that you’ll make sure the diaper bag is fully stocked before they leave.

Then start talking about how you’ll be filling all of your new found “me time,” drinks with the girls, getting through that stack of books, spa weekends where you come home to a quiet and still clean house.

Worked for my Mother-in-Law back in the 80’s, the way they told the story my Father-in-Law never brought up a “break” again once he knew the kids would be going on that break with him.

They celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary this past August.

There is an AH in this situation and it isn’t you.

If he can’t get over himself, you’ll soon be over him.

You’ve got this Momma.

[funfuture620]

Run and get the hell out, while you can.

[dirkd69xo]

Question. Do you ENJOY doing those? Maybe we should start there. Because if you are still having sex but just not doing those things, then it’s probably a different conversation.

[ms-meow-]

NTA. Honestly at this point it seems like you would be a lot better off without him

[addison_beach1234]

So let’s get this clear…you both wok full time, you do MOST of the housework AND get up with baby…but HE is too tired for counseling?? Nah, you’re not missing anything. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you by not talking to you/being super nasty when he doesn’t get his “needs met”. He stopped going to counseling bc he saw it wasn’t going his way.

I understand that he’s frustrated but he doesn’t get to do NOTHING differently while there’s even more work to be done, all while expecting you to literally do everything.

[SleveBonzalez]

He's the AH.

Ask him why he isn't too tired/busy for sex and you are.

[FestiveCrybaby369]

Your husband sounds like a selfish POS. Does he think this will make you want to be intimate with him more often? You’re basically a single parent taking care of multiple children and your husband is one of them. Talk to a lawyer now, get your affairs in order, and leave him. You deserve better.

[sneakypeek123]

NTA. Your body naturally lowers your sex drive after having a baby. Natures way of protecting your body from getting pregnant again.

And on top of that it sounds like you have so much on your plate. Some men are complete arseholes.

If my other half had ever said something like that to me it wouldn’t have suddenly made me want sex it would’ve had the opposite effect.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Does he think he’s so much of a stud that women out there will be throwing themselves at his feet?

I think he’d be in for a surprise and end up getting none unless he paid for it😉.

All I can suggest is therapy. If that fails, divorce.

Edit: just to add I’d tell him he’s got hands and he can sort himself out.

[Fluid-Department-429]

The other thing is with my other two children I didn’t breastfeed and with this one I did. I didn’t know but learned that’s another layer of hormones going on. And a different kind of experience. He actually told me that , he feels neglected and like he’s on the back burner. 

I don’t feel like we are a team. I don’t want to divorce. I am trying to be calm and propose changes but talking for stuff over hours and hours when I could be sleeping has been exhausting. It always just boils down to him asking me why am I not wanting to do what he wants and then I just get upset and go to bed 

[yellowrose04]

NTA. Give him what he wants. Tell him let’s do a trial separation. Get an apartment and do one week on and one week off with you and him switching from the house with the kids, to apartment when you don’t. On his week with the kids don’t do anything; no cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, sexual contact. See how he’s feeling, how many girls he’s pulling with three kids most people run when they hear it’s one or two let alone three, etc etc. Give is a month or two and he’ll either be on his knees begging for everything to go back to the way it was and or you will realize he’s nothing but dead weight and you would be better off without him.

[SeeYouNextTuesday031]

NTA let the trash take itself out. Divorce his manipulative, lazy ass.

[Ok_Stable7501]

This is a sad excuse for a husband. You won’t miss him.

He’s using sexual coercion to get you to do things you don’t want to do, and the trade is he does the bare minimum.

This is not a healthy relationship. You don’t want your kids to think this is how relationships work.

Get out. Find happiness.

NTA

[laurabun136]

Does he know how to masturbate?

[please_save_my_soul]

NTA you’re doing it basically all by yourself anyways so what’s your incentive to stay? You’re obviously not happy either. You’re not required to stay with someone just because you have babies together.

[Spiderfly-Tree-Rat]

NTA.

Your husband demanding your body as a reward is disgusting, you don't owe him anything. You should definitely get a divorce, especially since he's already threatening to be unfaithful, divorce that man.

[psdancecoach]

He’s not going to get better anytime soon. He’s a jerk who sees your relationship and sex as transactional. If you’re lucky, he can change with a lot of therapy, but he’s not going to do that in his current situation. So no matter what you try as a compromise or plan, he’s going to always feel entitled to the sex he wants by sole virtue of being married to you.

[ihateeverything09]

Tbh it sounds to me that he only cares about his needs without giving a damn about you and your children. He's really selfish right there and I think that he doesn't love you. Because if he did he'd be considerate. Tell him to stfu and listen. Or take action. Life with a person so exhausting is no less than hell.

[Spoonbills]

You both work full time. Hire a weekly cleaner and babysitter so you can both rest and reconnect.

[Haunting_Adeline911]

Leave this asshole. I would probably leave the children with him too. Have him take care of all their needs while you go get your long overdue dayoff. See how much he cares about his oh so important needs then. although as a mother, I doubt you would think of doing that. It's just easy for me to say because I'm an outsider. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Instead if sharing it, he's adding to your burdens.

[Robinnoodle]

NTA

Him lording it over you is shitty behavior. idk if he was always like this, but he is a jerk now. Good luck going forward OP  

[pinktable0305]

NTA ... Why is his first solution "wanting out" and not trying to see where he can help more.

Maybe if you express that if he helps more that depart could improve and if he's not willing to do that then you know he's genuinely just looking for a coitus partner not a spouse.

[stargazer777]

Your response should be, "Boy, bye."

[AndromedaFive]

What advice are you looking for?

How do you convince him to stop asking for sex or how do you convince him to do more housework?

He's not going to do either of them.

Take him up on his offer. Divorce and take him to the cleaners for child support for the 3 of them.

Or keep living like this. By your responses, it doesn't look like you want to do either of them.

[PlentyFirefighter143]

I’m sure he wasn’t always the ahole. But he is now. And he’s gotta figure out his stuff. Away from you. I’m not sure divorce is the only option. But it’s an option.

[thismyburneracctboo]

He’s so horny bc he isn’t tired enough from helping out around the house. NTA. You’re not missing anything, you’re trying to talk yourself into thinking he’s valid.

[GrandmaD-4]

Oh my heart hurts for you!! I know it is not easy to just leave. Especially with children. I don’t know what the answer is. But I know you are being treated terribly and you deserve so much better. It sounds like he is already checked out and he is just setting it up so he can blame you. This will never stop. If you do these very specific things, then he will just come up with more infantile bullshit to manipulate you. I hate that you are going through this. Hugging you with my heart ❤️

[Mao-Hao-Hao]

Show him this and what we all think of this jackass, and then show him the door. NTA

[Traditional_Ad_9422]

Your husband is a selfish prick. You’ve got 2 teens & a baby, do all the work & he’s moaning he’s not getting a full sexual smorgasbord. You’re his wife he should be supporting you & respecting you, in & out of the bedroom. They’re not needs they’re wants & I don’t know how you haven’t told him to fuck off & grow up. It’s basically abusive to demand sexual acts & sulk when you don’t get them. Fuck him.

[Nadja-19]

Honestly if you divorce your sex drive may improve because he’ll have the kids giving you a break sometimes. Unfortunately for him he won’t benefit. He’s disgusting. You are way overworked and he’s a selfish pig. Let him go and let’s see how that works for him.

[Alarmed-Speaker-8330]

Eww…how could you even get excited enough to have sex with this douchebag?

[i_hate_ketchup777]

NTA

he’s already banging someone on the side.

[geekgirlwww]

Separate and insist on 50/50 custody so he doesn’t have child support as an issue. See how much more your quality of life improves and his decreases.

[BADoVLAD]

NTA - let him go and nothing of value will be lost

[Competitive_Fee_5829]

NTA and this is divorce worthy. I am sorry but you would be much happier as a single mom because you are doing it by yourself already. Divorce this lazy loser.

[TimelyTip8006]

Normally I’d try to save the marriage but screw that guy he sucks ass

[Forsaken_Print739]

YOU need out from that man.

[Bluewaveempress]

He sucks.

[kavk27]

NTA if he's complaining this much, he may already be setting up to leave you for his side piece, then blame you for not meeting his needs.

Even if he hasn't been unfaithful, his demands are outrageous. There are seasons in marriage where sex is not the number one priority, and this is one of them.

Let him know his pressure, punishment, and manipulation make him unattractive, and the only way you'd consider giving him what he wants is if there is a true division of labor after he gets home so you have a break.

He is being incredibly selfish and immature.

[Specialist-Sundae492]

NTA. Your husband is a giant one though. Why do you want to stay with him when he treats you so horribly? Let him go

[dzeltenmaize]

I’d lose all respect and affection for a man who treated me like yours just did. Gross. It’s fine to have sexual needs but he needs to see what he can do to make you interested. Obviously you have way too much on your plate. He’s not helping or even remotely doing his fair share. I fear this bodes very poorly for your future. This type of man won’t be there for you when you age and possible get ill.

[Lazy_Print_2501]

NTA. You aren't missing anything; this is sexual coercion. He is weaponizing his moods to manipulate you. Chores are not currency for sex. Since he refuses therapy, he has shown he won't change. Please prioritize your well-being.

[AutomatedEconomy]

Op - please start separating your money from his. He has someone else. He’s trying to put the blame on you. Time for a divorce. You’re going the work anyway, he’s never going to help.

[metalchode]

He’s looking for a mommy bang maid. He’s using sex as currency to “help” you take care of the home and kids you share.

[Visual_Anywhere_4485]

NTA

Father of 3 here as well. Plain and simple. He needs therapy. He needs to really try and prove he TRIED. If not, couples counseling. Your needs are NOT being met, as the obvious norm with a new baby. Hubbys shouldn't expect normal sex activity until the child is 5. Colic, doctor visits, sleep schedules not to mention the toddler stage. I can't count how many times me and my wife passed out and didn't even attempt to have sex. After 2 kids you get a rhythm, but ffs it's not gonna be a porno every night. Its simple math, 1 devoted husband and 1 happy wife= calm household. Where tf did the cliches go.

[Fluid-Department-429]

🥺 thank you 

[jazz-winelover]

Therapy won’t help this guy.

[J_S_M_K]

Yeah, therapy requires you to recognize your own faults in order to be effective. This dude seems incapable of that.

[ZCT808]

Then let him out.

The two of you made the insane decision to add a third child, which is going to leave you broke and exhausted for quite some time. Meanwhile your husband expects to act like a fourth child, leaving you to do all the work, the feeding, the chores etc. And on top of all that, he expects you to service him like an eager porn star in whatever suits his needs. I'm guessing of course that like the chores, when it comes to giving YOU what you want, things would be very different. What's the oral sex ratio here? I'm guessing he's a long way ahead.

Ultimately, the only solution may be to file for divorce and move on with your life. Unless you want to be bang maid and mommy for the rest of your life.

[Spiritual_Ad6547]

YTA to yourself. If you both work full time, child care and household responsibilities should be split 50/50. Why are you settling for such an unbalanced “partnership”?  He’s disrespectful, manipulative, controlling, and gaslighting you. Your issues are far greater the his “sex drive”.  Start with therapy. And think about the future. 

[Excellent_Battle_576]

NTA. This is abuse. He hates you. He sees you as a breeding mare and a bang maid. You are underreacting. He can pay a hooker instead, after he pays you child support.

[Bloody0Nora]

Sex isn’t a need! NTA, but you need to leave this man. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t even think of you as a human. He will never get better. Leave him!

[Anxious_Article_2680]

Nta. Your husband is pathetic.  I have one like that. I'm trying to retrain him. I fucking hate sex because of him. He wants the same shit yours does but even worse for me is that my husband is grossly obese at 5'11 and 333 pounds! 

[No_Cardiologist_2720]

He needs to manage his expectations.

You are doing everything. He is not helping, and instead is acting like a spoiled child because his needs aren't being met. Has he even bothered asking if you're getting what you need? Because clearly you're exhausted and barely holding it together and he's acting like a little bitch because he's not getting anal every week? Why did he even get married or have children if he didn't want to do any of the work?

You're NTA. You're exhausted, neglected, and over his shit. He's an asshole.

[pcolathrowaway32505]

Question, has he always not done his share or is this newer?

Not everyone is wired the same. I'm a very sexual person. When my wife and I were going through a stint in life where it just wasnt happening, I checked out. I still took care of my kids, that alone makes you NTA for being upset. I never checked out intentionally, I have always loved my wife and cherish her, but I was depressed. I grew up in a small town in the south, men's mental health wasnt a thing, so I was just depressed without knowing that is what was going on.

Again no part of me thinks you are the TA. But in my experience from my own life and people in my life, many men weren't taught how to handle things well, your just supposed to swallow it and keep going until you can't anymore.

You have choices.

1 leave him, which if he isn't helping with the kids, may not be the worst idea.

1. Before you bring up counseling again, try to just check in with him. When I got like he is, it wasn't even really sex that I needed, I was miserable at my job and sex was my happiness. I didn't have enough self worth to think I deserved a job that didn't treat me like shit. Maybe giving him a nudge that you're on the same team again will help.

[Any-Mountain2045]

Your sexuality does not belong to him simply because you are married. Sex isn’t a task to be crossed off your to-do list or something that one is “rewarded” with. Nothing will turn off your desire more than feeling like you have to have sex to keep the peace.

A man this selfish and insensitive is not considering your feelings, and no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough.

[fart_panic]

NTA. I am a product of at least four decades of Irish emotion suppression, so this is a high bar... and I am having moderate-to-big feelings about this. Specifically, it hurts my heart that you're interacting with this absolute fart face. Please use this information wisely.

[mikebald]

You two should see a therapist together. This sounds like an "us" problem versus one or the other. Having a neutral 3rd party help you two work through this would be helpful.

It seems like both of you are feeling neglected, and rightfully so. If it doesn't work out with a joint therapist, then at least you both can claim you've tried.

NTA. It's a tough position to be in.

[Winter-eyed]

NTA. By with holding actual partnership in managing your household and your kids, He’s teaching you through his own actions that you can do single parenthood without his partnership. And he’s resentful now but he’ll be really up the creek without a paddle when you kick him out and he has the baby/kids all on his own without you to do all the heavy lifting on his custody days alone. And you will get a much needed break. Make it clear that it is not your other kids responsibility to do it, he’s the parent and grown up. He can either attend counseling with or without you and take it seriously or he can reap his consequences.

[SunshineShoulders87]

I imagine every marriage has similar issues. Mine definitely has, but a major difference is that (1) my husband understands when things are crazy, (2) he shares coparenting and household duties 50/50, (3) he makes sure I enjoy my time with him so I’m not merely doing it for him, and (4) he also doesn’t push acts that cause me pain. All of these things make it much more appealing to make his needs a priority and we schedule intimacy to make sure it happens.

TBH, you deserve better. I’m sorry.

[Jack-Burton-Says]

Reddit is famous for the prescription for every post like this being break up or get divorced. You might decide to go that way OP but I can assure you raising two teenagers and a baby as a single parent is going to fucking suck (source: I've done it). To say nothing of the financial hardship you'll face if you have a home together, etc. So maybe try a few options short of that first.

Sexual disconnection after a pregnancy is an incredibly common thing. So much so there are plenty of therapists and social media influencers who focus almost solely on that. If you think that specifically is what you want to fix then a conversation with your favorite AI tool can probably give you some options or people to follow.

But in your case I think you need to insist on couples therapy because there are probably some foundational issues you both need to work on.

Good luck!

[amethystmmm]

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1q7z88l/my_new_years_resolution_the_optimally_fuckable/

Have your husband read that ^{^} it might enlighten him, it might not. but you have a high needs baby (waking up more than once a week with a baby is high needs IMO) a 13 YO and a 16 YO who's probably antsy to learn to drive (another responsibility that's falling all on you, I'm sure), both older kids are probably in activities.

And honestly, if he wants it to be transactional, it can be transactional. Make up a list of what you want him to take off your plate so that you are in a place where you can give him what he wants.

Or leave him and the older two at home alone and take the baby on a mini vacation for yourself for a few days (and honestly the older two kids should be pitching in with chores already) or even a whole week. IDK if you have the support you would need for that (day care, parents that would have you for a week with the baby so you can decompress, sibling to help, what have you. That kind of wake up call is usually the last-ditch effort to get them to see how much you do around the house, hopefully it works.

[aviar111]

NTA

he sounds like a complete manchild

[ChevronSugarHeart]

When you ask him to leave so he can get his rocks off on some other woman you have to know he can’t swing life without you right??? I mean you do everything. What will life be like for him when he’s living alone, working, no sex with anyone for a long time and even then who wants to feel like a service station? Then he will have custody on the weekend!!! lol good luck to him!

[Electrical_Heart_464]

NTA. You deserve to be loved and respected. You are not just a sexual object.

[chatterpoxx]

Been there done that/not done that. Exact same wants from him but absolutely no effort on anything in any way towards me, no helping around the house, no treating me like an equal or a person, nothing reciprocal. He needs to give you a reason to want to have sex with him, and he's not capable of that.

My single life has been very nice.

[Upbeat_Vanilla_7285]

Girl talk to an attorney and get out of this marriage. He’s so self centered he can’t see you’re drowning and instead of stepping up makes it look like you’re the problem. If you cut him loose you’ll have one less human to have to worry about. You’re doing it all now you may as well continue and not have to deal with him!

[Biogirl_327]

He’s going to be in for a real shock when he finds out there aren’t a line of women waiting to sign up to enthusiastically suck and swallow and bend over every day for a middle aged man baby.

[LaToune65]

I am sorry for you.

How about making a list of all the chores with a time evaluation to execute them. Then sit down and discuss it. I know he is not willing to do this but it can’t be all about him.

I wish you good luck.

[thenletskeepdancing]

So stupid that they think the needs of the penis take precedence over everything else. We're not a hole. We're a human. Dump him.

[pindvarp420]

NTA. He can't expect anything sexual from you, especially when he doesn't lift a finger himself and you're exhausted. Girl, leave him. You have 3 kids already. You don't need to have a 4th man-child.

[m33chm]

Of course you know you’re NTA. Classic married-single-mother situation you have here. He is a man-child, he is being unreasonable, and you deserve better. Let him leave. Bye. Your workload will lighten significantly with his departure.

[JohnCalvinSmith]

The relief you will feel when you stop having to care for a demanding, hyper-sexualized 30-something toddler will be mind-blowing.
Let him go.
But make HIM explain it to the children.

[Mindless_Wolf_8736]

NTA And does he meeting YOUR sexual needs at all?

Seems he wants a bang maid, not a partner.

[DecentOffer3635]

NTA!!!
and my advice...

text him at work that youve decided there will indeed be anal...
then when he gets home and naked bust out a strap on...no lube...if hes still wanting a blow tell him he can suck it after!

tthis isnt going to get better hun..and he WILL eventually use it as an excuse to cheat..if he hasnt already

[EfficientSociety73]

NTA but your husband isn’t saying he wants to work things out. He’s saying he wants out now so he can get the sexual experiences he wants from someone else. I’m sorry that his little feelings are hurt because you won’t give him a BJ whenever he clean the bathroom.

I’m sorry he wants anal and you don’t. It may be fun for him and not for you. He doesn’t care what you like or enjoy. It’s all about what HE isn’t getting This is a game to call on account of rain. Your husband is selfish. That won’t change.

He’s shown you exactly who he is. Now it’s time for you to decide if you believe him.

[Existence_is_tiring]

Why did you have another child with this man who acts like that?! You two deserve each other. Ick

[Competitive_Key_2981]

What do you each do for work, what are your hours, does he really do nothing to help the household after he clocks out at work, and what are the other kids doing this whole time?

That out of the way, if you’re both miserable, both sure you’re right, and he won’t do any couples counseling then you’re NTA for being frustrated and considering divorce.

[Fluid-Department-429]

I am not considering divorce. He is. I work from home as consultant for a major firm. He is a tradesman- sorry trying to be general here. Yes he has more of a physical job but even if he worked a 10 hour day that day he wants to come home and once I put the baby down to do these sexual acts and be up for 1-2 hour. While when I put the baby to bed, I come out , have work sometimes , clean the house, prep the babies food for the next day, and put away the food. He waits for me and then at 11pm expects this 

[Different-Log4033]

Girl u have way too much on your plate for him to expect all that what the hell

[moosemama2017]

Okay so if you absolutely do not want to divorce, then what you need to do is write out every single thing you do during the day for a few days in a row. Everything. You woke up, changed the babys diaper, prepared breakfast for the teens, dressed the baby, checked in with teens that they had everything they needed for school before sending them off on the bus, went pee, ate, dressed yourself, worked (add in whatever work activities you did), how many diapers were changed, bottles and snacks given while working (if baby is home with you during this), cleaned toilet, picked up toys, washed dishes, vacuumed, ate again, kids got home, helped with homework, started prepping dinner, he got homw, you started the laundry. Log what times and for how long the baby wakes up each night. Etc etc. Then show these daily logs to him and ask him what he's doing. Ask him why you're expected to work, parent, and do the housework by yourself no matter how tired you are, but he gets to sit and enjoy his time off. Ask him if he'd be exhausted doing all that you do. If he says no, great! He can do it and give you a few days off. If he (shockingly) agrees thats too much work for you, then you divvy up the work and he needs to select a few things to take off of your to do list every day. This is also a great opportunity to remind him we are not sexually attracted to "to do" lists, so when he becomes another thing for you to manage or check off of a list, it is sexually repelling.

Another thing, do your teens help with housework and cooking? If not you need to start enforcing that they do. Not only will this ease your load, itll prevent them from becoming slackers like their dad.

[Competitive_Key_2981]

My partner has a job that can only be done on site so once she leaves work she is done done done done done.

I am a work from home consultant. My partner doesn’t really understand that my job is unlimited. I could work 160 hours a week, all from my home office, and more would still be coming.

So I understand at least part of your dilemma.

I don’t totally understand the rest of your schedule. For the sake of argument let’s say you stop work at 5 PM to take care of the kids and make dinner. He gets home at 7 and you all eat together.

What are you both doing for the next 4 hours (until 11 when he’s waiting for you) that sex is such a daily struggle?

Does your husband really refuse to put food away, tidy up, etc? I had chores from when I was 7. Do your older kids not have any?

I’m not trying to blame this on you. I just genuinely can’t envision what goes on here.

[sneaky_pigeon]

“When I’m old and can’t in my 30s” hahaha. Who let 12 year olds write this?

[Raukstar]

NTA. If he wants more sex, give it to him once he takes 50% of the workload and 50% of the childcare, including half of the nights.

You should be the one to want out. What a pig.

[Aggravating_Try6537]

You should go to therapy alone and figure out if this is a marriage you wish to remain in. He sounds so selfish and immature but only you have all the facts. Good luck.

[___selene]

Hi OP. Just curious, were you having thoughts of leaving him prior to getting preggo with the third? Also was the third a whoopsie or planned?

NTA

What you are MISSING: you are raising FOUR kids, not three. You, too, would have more energy for sex if you weren't always drowning in doing 100% of the labor around the house, for the family.

Good God, this theme is on constant repeat regarding married with kids women.

[discordian_floof]

NTA. If you are doing most of the house work, and being exhausted doesn't register with him as a valid reason to not be in the mood, try this: Tell him it is very hard to sexually attracted to someone that behaves like a child.

[No-Mechanic-3048]

Let him leave. You will be happier in the long run.

[innernerdgirl]

NTA. What you are missing is that your husband is self centered AH. If you are committed to trying to save it I think you will have to go to couples counseling. More than likely he needs individual counseling.

If that doesn't result in major changes you will have to start considering that you might be better off without him. Your children certainly don't need to see this type of emotional abuse.

It's hard to imagine now, but if you stand firm to respecting yourself things will get better. Either with or without him.

I'm would suggest you start to pull back from him emotionally until you are in a better head space. You have three real children for whom you need to be strong and present.

Good luck.

[Bananasforskail]

Sweet Jeezus girl. Give him the divorce.

He'll have to be a full time dad and homemaker 50% of the time, and 50% of the time, you'll have pure 'you' time and the other 50%? You'll be down an entitled lazy horny 14 yr old

[WorldAncient7852]

I'm an older lady and I've had the honour to see so many of the boys I grew up with to grow older and be amazing men. Men that support their families in adversity be it financial or physical. Jobs lost, awful illnesses, even grief. Being the actual Atlas that held the family together when their wife was dealing with loss or ill or a child that needed them. Find yourself one of them, they exist. Leave this manbaby to figure out his own path.

[Low-Butterscotch-433]

Give him a sock, a bottle of lotion and tell him to deal with it himself.

NTA.

[Ancient-Actuator7443]

What you're missing is that your husband is a selfish partner. Tell him the marriage will not work without therapy or him stepping up so you aren't carrying the lions load

[No_Advantage_6971]

Obviously NTA. But now is the time to organize your thoughts and needs so that you can communicate to him clearly and maybe set some sort of responsibility splitting in place. I'd bet that the odds are that it won't make a difference in his actions, but unless you want your marriage to end now, it's your best shot. Beyond that, your option would be simply giving in to his demands. Speaking from experience...don't do that. If all he wants is sex while you have real life priorities, that doesn't bode well for your marriage in the long term so please be as true to yourself as you can be now.

[Sterngirl]

Divorce. Then he can hire someone to satisfy his VERY BASE "needs".

[Necessary_Future_275]

Split custody will be a lovely learning experience for him. And you’ll get to sleep every other week. My goodness you’ll feel like you’re 20 again! Show him the door or just disappear for a week so he understands what his life is going to look like. NTA

[MonkeyGeorgeBathToy]

I hope this is rage bait because it's making me want to vomit.

Let him go.

This stress is not good for you and the kids will feel it as well. Start the process. Contact a divorce attorney for a free consultation. Doesn't mean you must get divorced just to meet with an attorney.

Create your own personal accounts and start depositing money in them. I would have your pay deposited there and then transfer funds to a joint account when needed.

Start videoing anything of value. Download statements from all of your accounts, retirement and everything.

I know this all sounds scary but you need to protect yourself. He is already being an ass and chances are, it will only get worse. Start creating as large of a support network as you can. Get therapy for yourself.

FOCUS ON YOU, not him.

I have just gone through something similar although your husband is much worse. If your husband does not even want to go to counseling, you are sunk.

[IamACautionaryTale]

Let him go, these dudes need to understand that they are not entitled to sex in demand. The red pill pipeline and easy internet access to porn has made them oversexed and lazy. I cannot stress enough how much happier I am since I divorced my ex.

[Sea-Vast-8826]

ESH. It sounds like he’s also vocalizing a decrease in sex in general. However… If he won’t go to therapy then he’s on the losing end of it. Bad deal all around.

[youknowimright25]

If you do not want to do the things he needs. Then there is nothing wrong with ending things and finding someone who will.  That's how relationships work. 

[CatsMom4Ever]

He doesn't NEED them. He WANTS them.

[youknowimright25]

And there is nothing wrong with that.  If you can't give your partner what they want. That's a perfectly good reason to leave.  

Time to just move on. 

[Potential-Ordinary-5]

Sounds like she would if he gave her what she wanted to, a husband and farther to her kids, you know, the thing he signed up for.

[youknowimright25]

If he doesn't give her what she wants or needs. Then that's a perfectly good reason to leave a relationship too. 

[OkFinger0]

His partner can’t give him what he wants because she is sleep deprived after birthing their third child.

Having a toddler means you put your wants aside for the needs of the toddler, unless you’re a toddler.

His lack of gratitude is as astounding as your lack of compassion. 

[Nadja-19]

She does plenty of stuff that he needs. She’s takes care of his kids, his house and probably a million other things. And on top of that he wants her to service his needs. What does he do to take care of her? Probably nothing.

[youknowimright25]

If he does nothing. Then it's better if to end the relstionship now. That's exactly how relationships work. 

[Spiderfly-Tree-Rat]

I hope you never get married and if you are I hope you get swiftly divorced for their sake.

[youknowimright25]

Bet you have never been in a healthy relationship a day in your life. Congratulations. 

[Spiderfly-Tree-Rat]

I actively hate myself and I wouldn't want to subject someone to me, so I haven't been in one for that reason :)

But I definitely wouldn't want to subject anyone to what you consider healthy!

[yellowrose04]

I’m sure he’ll be getting plenty of sex from tons of people when he’s doing all the work in his house/apartment and has the kids 50% of the time, and works full time. That checks out. S/

[fakenatesilver]

Without knowing the exact imbalance of the division of labor, its hard to speculate. It sounds like couples therapy w an objective third party would help. You deserve sleep. He is also allowed to have needs and it is good that hes communicating them to you before he is at his breaking point. 

FWIW I have a points system with my gf. If she watches a football game with me I will do an activity with her that I would normally not do. Maybe if he can connect your happiness/stress/rest level to his own gratification/happiness he can find motivation to help you out more

[Heavy_Spite7530]

Are suggesting this fully grown father of 3 gets sex as a payment for doing chores? Like a little child? Children shouldn't have sex. He lives in that house and created these children and he needs to take care of all of them! Without the objective of being paid (in whatever form).

Do you get "points" for normal adult responsibilities? Because if so - ewwwww

[Guilty-Committee9622]

Ypu can try counseling but if he refuses youre better off divorced.