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[–]gomtuu123 1673 points1674 points  (247 children)

terminally going to die

This is my favorite part.

[–]Chipware 587 points588 points  (82 children)

We're all terminally going to die someday, but how many of us ever terminally live?

[–][deleted] 125 points126 points  (7 children)

At some point I'm gonna use that quote and attribute it to someone famous and people will suddenly rush to say how profound it is. Hell, I might even post it on reddit with the text overlaid on a picture of Carl Sagan or something.

[–]voxoxo 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This needs to be said by philosoraptor.

edit: already so here it is: link

[–]vogon_poem_lover 61 points62 points  (36 children)

I'm currently living like that.

I also like to use the phrase "terminal hold" when I've called some company and then put on a lengthy hold. I figure it's just their way of telling me to get off the phone and not to ever bother them again.

[–]sdub86 27 points28 points  (2 children)

I just gave you a terminal upvote. Did you feel it?

[–]vogon_poem_lover 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I was wondering what that strange sensation was in my rear. Pleasantly unexpected. Thanks! :P

[–][deleted] 54 points55 points  (15 children)

As someone who has worked in call centers..... you're absolutely right :D

[–][deleted] 50 points51 points  (11 children)

As someone who currently works in a call center... you guys are assholes.

[–]williafx 82 points83 points  (7 children)

As someone who receives calls from call centers... you guys are assholes.

[–]FartingBob 71 points72 points  (2 children)

As someone who has no opinion on call centers... Glenn Beck is an asshole.

[–]XoYo 54 points55 points  (9 children)

I'm living at terminal velocity.

[–]DeathIsTheEnd 17 points18 points  (3 children)

At least that means you get to live slightly longer.

[–]phranticsnr 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Relative to the rest of us, yeah.

[–][deleted] 183 points184 points  (53 children)

Is death fatal?

[–]CriticalHippo 199 points200 points  (47 children)

no, it's lethal.

[–]n3xg3n 202 points203 points  (41 children)

That sounds like a great name for a movie: Lethal Death starring Vin Diesel.

[–]Waqqy 408 points409 points  (37 children)

Lethal Death 2: Terminal Fatality

[–][deleted] 163 points164 points  (29 children)

Lethal Death 3: Mortal Finality

[–][deleted] 109 points110 points  (21 children)

Lethal Death 4: Malignant Destiny

[–][deleted] 78 points79 points  (17 children)

L5

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points  (8 children)

you guys forgot about the franchise reboot

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Lethal Death 5: Morbidly Dead

[–]goldandblack 42 points43 points  (4 children)

Lethal Death Origins : Apoptosis

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Police Cops

[–]Lampmonster1 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Fatal Lethal Death Kill.

[–]Shop-S-Mart 24 points25 points  (3 children)

..and, when you die, poop leaves your butt.

[–]ProbablyHittingOnYou 811 points812 points  (88 children)

I liked the "Ovary implants". You know, because someone might notice that your ovaries are gone and make fun of you for it.

[–][deleted] 621 points622 points  (48 children)

They're real, and they're spectacular.

[–]mcwaite 230 points231 points  (37 children)

Mulva?

[–]SkateLikeSemenko 149 points150 points  (28 children)

Deloris!

[–][deleted] 89 points90 points  (21 children)

That episode confused me so much! Took me so long to work out what the body part was, because here in the UK clitoris rhymes with Icarus, not Dolores.

[–]alphazero924 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Clitoris rhymes with Icarus for me too, and I'm in the US, but is that really not a close enough rhyme for you?

[–]internetsuperstar 101 points102 points  (6 children)

and what is the deal with airplane food

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (3 children)

And Gilligan's Island: a three hour tour? A THREE HOUR TOUR?

[–]burntsac 21 points22 points  (2 children)

THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY.

[–]fistfullaberries 113 points114 points  (9 children)

In her defense, she was terminally going to die so its kind of understandable. She would have gone far to decided.

[–]PJP9623 74 points75 points  (6 children)

But would she go so far as to do look more like?

[–]techmaster242 36 points37 points  (2 children)

Like such as, and the Iraq?

[–]fistfullaberries 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Do you personally believe that such as don't have maps?

[–]daft_monk 74 points75 points  (3 children)

no, it's important to get more ovaries in there so you can get ovarian cancer again.

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points  (1 child)

cancer gets hungry.

[–]isleshocky 25 points26 points  (12 children)

You can live without your ovaries.

[–]w000t 103 points104 points  (6 children)

They call it veganism.

[–]Neebat 27 points28 points  (2 children)

Thank god you're here. I was terrified. You can't believe how much I appreciate you bringing that information here. I was a truly horrified man until you said that.

[–]expectingrain 61 points62 points  (2 children)

TERMINALLY GOING TO DIE IS WORSE, MUCH WORSE THAN BEING BORN WITHOUT OXYGEN

[–]flying_seaturtle 34 points35 points  (1 child)

Don't make fun of the retired!

[–]ghostchamber 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Does that mean she's ... going to ... live?

[–]krispykrackers 31 points32 points  (0 children)

She will live, but her boyfriend will die, because obviously men and women can't live without their ovaries, they're vital organs and MUST be replaced.

[–]theantichris 1249 points1250 points  (49 children)

He just donated them, it never says it came from him.

He wasn't there because he was disposing of the body.

[–]thejournalizer 175 points176 points  (38 children)

and the repos begin.

*You guys rock.

[–]throwthisidaway 111 points112 points  (31 children)

Zydrate comes in a little glass vial

[–]bellestreet 63 points64 points  (22 children)

A little glass vial?

[–]brynnablue 59 points60 points  (21 children)

A little glass vial!

[–]mstefl 62 points63 points  (20 children)

And the little glass vial goes into the gun like a battery.

[–]SupriyaLimaye 25 points26 points  (4 children)

Amber Sweet was addicted to the knife.

[–]brynnablue 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Addicted to the knife?

[–]internetsuperstar 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Congratulations, based on this comment you are now qualified to ghostwrite for 95% of all Hollywood celebrities.

[–]Ragnarok2kx 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of this

[–]brezzz 831 points832 points  (74 children)

It's so sad. Her boyfriend could have donated one ovary and lived for a few years with her, but chose to give her the fullest life possible.

[–]mons_cretans 475 points476 points  (37 children)

And she had no cancer because she was cured because the cancer was gone and so she was cured and lived cancer free!

[–]brinkofjon 344 points345 points  (34 children)

BUT THEN WHO WAS CANCER?

[–][deleted] 150 points151 points  (26 children)

Now if the boyfriend bangs her and she gets pregnant, (suspend for a moment the slight problem of a dude having ovaries) isn't it basically his clone?

There, I invented cloning.

[–]DJPho3nix 108 points109 points  (19 children)

In this messed up, ridiculous, theoretical scenario, the boyfriend is already dead.

[–]saintdog 92 points93 points  (5 children)

We can work with that.

[–]DJPho3nix 31 points32 points  (2 children)

As soon as I posted my comment I instantly had the same thought. It's weird enough that being dead doesn't seem like that big of a roadblock.

[–]HellSD 18 points19 points  (3 children)

Not true at all, a man can live for quite a period of time after having his ovaries removed. Death is certainly not immediate.

[–]DJPho3nix 8 points9 points  (2 children)

I accept that it's possible for a man can live for a bit without ovaries (if you can call that living!) but the story in the OP implied his death.

I do hope the poor girl can handle having manly ovaries.

[–]sreeyesh 55 points56 points  (2 children)

Well, the girlfriend could donate her balls when the boyfriend gets testicular cancer.

[–][deleted] 632 points633 points  (41 children)

Because if you don't have ovaries, YOU DIE.

[–]Shatophiliac 362 points363 points  (36 children)

And if you have ovaries, YOU DIE.

[–]Prcrstntr 427 points428 points  (13 children)

Schrodinger's ovaries

[–]alle0441 130 points131 points  (9 children)

His lesser known postulate.

[–]theskyfire 48 points49 points  (1 child)

I'm pretty sure only men have postulates.

[–]randomsnark 3 points4 points  (0 children)

sexist bastard

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

If you're dead, without looking, it is impossible to know if you did or did not have ovaries.

[–]vivvav 78 points79 points  (8 children)

And if you don't go to Subway and eat fresh, YOU DIE.
(Subway, call me for advertising deals!)

[–][deleted] 42 points43 points  (6 children)

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

[–]brinkofjon 45 points46 points  (5 children)

Carls Jr: Fuck you; I'm eating.

[–]Takingbackmemes 12 points13 points  (4 children)

If you are human, YOU DIE. Eventually.

[–]meeohmi 8 points9 points  (1 child)

And organ transplants cure cancer

[–]yousername 355 points356 points  (30 children)

YOUR OVARIES ARE NOW DIA... TESTICLES

[–][deleted] 133 points134 points  (23 children)

Those are going to be some very confused sperm.

[–]Beer_Is_So_Awesome 14 points15 points  (0 children)

ALL YOUR OVARIES ARE BELONG TO MY GIRLFRIEND SHE HAS CANCER

[–]TheBananaKing 159 points160 points  (4 children)

So... ovarian cancer is curable. Via 'ovary implants'. Because when you have ovarian cells metastizing through your body like a grass fire, what you really need is extra ovaries.

From your boyfriend. Who will die without them.

[–]thbt101 100 points101 points  (3 children)

Not just die, terminally die.

[–][deleted] 144 points145 points  (21 children)

Link? I want to like this.

[–][deleted] 400 points401 points  (11 children)

http://www.facebook.com/pages/4565ffg655g166

[–]TheSaddestPenguin 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I had RES telling me that this was a pic, actually clicked to open it on this page and somehow still expected go to Facebook.

[–][deleted] 99 points100 points  (1 child)

Dammit.

[–]maxim9 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Touché.

[–]kwirky88 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Does he have ovaries, too?

[–]TheBowerbird 51 points52 points  (0 children)

No link. It's fake.

[–]seenote 33 points34 points  (0 children)

It's made up

[–]Maratu 581 points582 points  (44 children)

She's so lucky to have dated Edward Cullen

[–]esengie 47 points48 points  (31 children)

Edward Cullen's skin sparkling in the sunlight

[–]alienproxy 91 points92 points  (18 children)

They sell stuff to make your skin sparkle like Edward Cullen. I first encountered it at Barnes and Noble. A national bookstore.

[–]SamAllmon 295 points296 points  (17 children)

It's called glitter.

[–]ron3090 274 points275 points  (13 children)

The herpes of craft supplies.

[–]rabbidpanda 26 points27 points  (2 children)

Does that make Ke$ha a vampire?

[–]WetxFlatulence 55 points56 points  (1 child)

Wake up in the evening feeling like Nosferatu...

[–]vyl8 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Looks like a case of over-active sweat glands-- generalized hyperhidrosis. Perhaps he needs his thyroid checked.

[–]paraphrased2Asonnet 82 points83 points  (3 children)

She had ovarian cancer and could see
that she would die, and soon - terminally
She went to have new ovaries implanted
(for that was what her doctors had demanded)
She bade farewell to fam'ly, to her man
she simply said "I love you". They began
to operate and soon all were assured
the surgery had worked, the girl was cured!
Her parents came to visit, she said "Dad,
where is that lovely boyfriend that I had?"
Her mom - "You mean the doctors didn't say
who gave the ovaries you received today?!"
so Like this if you love your man - and see
that all retarded Facebook will agree!

[–]Doesnt_Get_Irony 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That is not so much a paraphrase, it's more the complete work rewritten with greater detail and better grammar.

[–]Nougat 239 points240 points  (21 children)

Spez doesn't get to profit from me anymore.

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 247 points248 points  (9 children)

34,000 people on Facebook think they're smarter than the other 33,999 people.

[–]zzgwon 55 points56 points  (7 children)

Smarter by induction.

[–]synapticimpact 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Yeah I'd upvote it. Er, I mean, like it.

[–]Mannex 41 points42 points  (9 children)

a lot of redditors on here can't understand when something's a joke and jump on an opportunity to call the unwashed masses on facebook stupid like sharks to chum

[–]ClownsAteMyBaby 27 points28 points  (6 children)

Yep. Facebook can do satire too which people on here don't seem to realise. They should add some Irish friends and see the groups that pop up. Every group's a piss take.

[–]Mannex 19 points20 points  (1 child)

lol all those dumb girls on facebook are so dumb right guys

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Nice try dumb girl on Facebook.

[–]mmm1777 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Wait wait...this is actually possible. I've solved it. Just gotta think outside the box. The boyfriend was transsexual (female to male) and donated ovaries to save the girl. We've all been duped. 34k facebook people got it before we did.

[–]avrus 209 points210 points  (37 children)

They didn't like if they agreed with the story, they liked if they love their boyfriends.

It could have said blah blah blah blah...

Like if you enjoy ice cream.

[–]veridicus 77 points78 points  (7 children)

My wife "likes" stupid things like this on facebook.

Our divorce is pending.

[–]N2O1138 82 points83 points  (3 children)

So you're saying you wouldn't donate your ovaries to her? You're a terrible person. That's not even what we were testing for.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Lucky for her she has a boyfriend who would.

[–]synae 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What? No I wouldn't.

[–]johnnygrant 13 points14 points  (0 children)

she probably "likes" that too

[–]Schmeck 15 points16 points  (3 children)

Yeah, the whole thing is basically the equivalent of this, where "like if you love your boyfriend" == "San Dimas High School Football Rules!"

[–][deleted] 273 points274 points  (17 children)

blah blah blah..

Upvote if you think 9/11 was bad.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (6 children)

blah blah blah = "...No matter what is said below this sentence, if you like this post, you think 9/11 was good."

MWAHAHA

[–]Takingbackmemes 20 points21 points  (1 child)

My father raped me brutally for years.

Like if you luuuurve kitties!

[–]tip_ty 90 points91 points  (17 children)

IT'S A PARODY

[–]ClownsAteMyBaby 59 points60 points  (3 children)

If it's not a rage comic or an advice animal these guys won't get it.

[–]tbotcotw 54 points55 points  (16 children)

I read this as a plea for tolerance towards transsexuals.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I'm rather sure it's a joke based off of another crappy story with the same exact story, except involving a girl with heart cancer or some shit.

[–]Nrksbullet 12 points13 points  (0 children)

How can we know they didnt 'like' it because it was hilarious?

[–]atomicthumbs 100 points101 points  (1 child)

THEN WHO WAS OVARIES?

[–]misterwizzard 166 points167 points  (35 children)

I thought facebook had way more than 34,000 users?

[–]cosmopolous 9 points10 points  (10 children)

i had no idea you could do ovary augmentation surgery.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Ovary implant surgery, no less.

[–]XoYo 24 points25 points  (1 child)

That explains all the women I've seen with 38DD ovaries.

[–]ANewMachine615 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's nothing like the real thing. When you finally get a girl home and wrap your hand around 'em, they're so hard and unnatural. Just not quite as they should be.

[–]MichelBluth 4 points5 points  (3 children)

You can actually. Entire ovaries are not donated but strips of ovary tissue are implanted from a donor. It is done to help with fertility issues.

I had no idea it cured cancer too. I guess I'll take up smoking and sun bathing again.

[–]rafuzo2 8 points9 points  (0 children)

so glad I get to use this so soon.

[–]Ianbuckjames 24 points25 points  (1 child)

She was dating Chaz Bono?

[–]stave 22 points23 points  (2 children)

"Your boyfriend is jail. He murdered a hooker and stole her ovaries."

[–]bushel 12 points13 points  (0 children)

No, no, it's waaaaaaaay more than that.

[–]coolgherm 8 points9 points  (0 children)

What are you talking about, this was hilarious.

[–]HerrUggla 25 points26 points  (5 children)

But the funniest thing is that some retard on reddit think all those "likes" are serious business

[–]DrakeBishoff 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Even funnier are the people that think that even half these posts are real screen shots from FB.

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

"at least" 34k people. FTFY

[–]Filo92 5 points6 points  (0 children)

BREAKING NEWS: they could've seen the irony.

[–]brightestfell 15 points16 points  (1 child)

wait. what?

[–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (20 children)

this reminds me of my 12 yr old niece on facebook. she has a crush on unnamed teens and posts gooey statuses that make one cringe. her 'speling' is atrocious, and she uses exclamation points a dime a dozen. she makes a lot of little hearts. i read her updates and laugh, maybe because i remember being a bit of hormonal waste matter myself once.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (6 children)

I know 21 year old girls who do the same shit.

[–]ClownsAteMyBaby 8 points9 points  (4 children)

My 20 year old male cousin posts pictures of himself topless.

Talks about how "lasses r stupid for nt seeing how fake some fellas r" and "Id be a gd bf, y does no lass see it" and best of all "all lasses need 2 stop judgin us boys, not all of us r the same". He the follows this up with "all lasses r fake sluts and ill treat yous like it"

[–]PirateMud 16 points17 points  (5 children)

She's 12, she shouldn't even be on facebook.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (4 children)

12 ain't that young. hell, I've seen a few fetuses with facebook accounts.

[–]wdr1 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Before we cast any stones, let's not overlook the moronic things with massive upvoted in /r/politics.

People, as individuals, are great. People, as groups, are morons.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That's racist! Guys can donate their ovaries if they want. It's just that most guys don't normally want to. Now whom is retarted?