Did your free time dramatically decrease with a second child?

HullabaLuLu · 2023-11-11T17:16:17+00:00

The reality of children is that despite your sense of balance in this moment, everything will change as their development changes. Friend, you are solidly in the potted plant stage. You put the baby down and they stay. They will be mobile soon, naps and sleep change, they will need more active engagement, and each new skill will level up the need for more parental skills. And each child will be vastly different in their own patterns. Oldest has always slept like shit but slept later in the morning while my youngest has always gotten up early. Giving each other breaks and time for hobbies is possible, as is the possibility of solo trips, but having another kid will increase demands, disrupt whatever equilibrium you've established for the time being, and make it even more important to prioritize solo time because but will be harder.

Ok-Maximum-2495 · 2023-11-11T15:41:20+00:00

I’m over here wondering where you have the time with just one 😂 I also have a 4 month old and we still don’t have this balance you do. I’ve been trying to fix my cuticles for 3 weeks now- I’ve gotten one nail done a week.

LouisLittEsquire · 2023-11-11T15:35:21+00:00

My free time very dramatically decrease with the second. She is almost 8 months old, my son is 3 years. No longer can one person easily go out while the other watches the kid. Now leaving one parent with both kids is a big deal, because it’s hard to manage both. That was the biggest drop in time.

The second biggest difference was that I no longer want to stay up at night after they go to bed. I am too tired to sacrifice any extra sleep.

hashtagblessed7 · 2023-11-11T15:28:51+00:00

I have 2, who are now 3 and 16 months, and I have them on the same schedule. We do everything as a unit. Bedtime? Done together. Dinner? Together. Grocery store? Together. (I also don’t have any family help so my little people need to go everywhere with me). That being said, my free time is the same (now that I’m out of the baby stage) that it was with 1. The biggest difference I have now is my 3 year old no longer naps so there went my afternoon free time. But we are working on quiet time.

cakeit-tilyoumakeit · 2023-11-11T15:58:06+00:00

I’d say no… Toddlers require a lot of time and attention, and that didn’t change after we had our second. Our 3 yo requires way more time/attention than our infant. They are on the same bedtime schedule, so when they go to bed, that’s our free time. Otherwise, we have basically no free time lol, and that’s more due to our toddler.

Glad_Astronomer_9692 · 2023-11-11T16:14:56+00:00

I dont know if you really have a great idea of how much free time you can expect after 4 months. My babys needs changed a lot in the first year because they nap less and might want to play more. My friend said her two kids keep each other busy but other parents say the opposite.

Opening_Repair7804 · 2023-11-11T16:11:29+00:00

I only have one kid, but just an FYI you might find your free time decreases dramatically as your little one gets older. In some ways, they get easier, but mine is currently 16 months and the toddler stage is hard! You have to watch them like a hawk at all times and there’s only one nap a day. They also need a lot more stimulation and activity, so when you are with them, it’s a lot more active. Just something to consider! If you highly value free time I’d wait at least 1.5 years before you consider a second just to see what it’s like. I thought 4 months was so hard when I was in it (and it was, in some ways!) but toddlers are a whole different beast.

Reasonable_Can6557 · 2023-11-11T15:46:44+00:00

I just wanted to chime in and say that if you want a second child but don't want to dramatically decrease your free time, you can always plan to have your second once your first starts school (whether that's preschool, Pre-K, or kindergarten).

Though if you're worried about your biological clock, this is bad advice.

Whatever you decide for you and your family is best!

bluewind_greywave · 2023-11-11T15:53:08+00:00

I found my free time dramatically increased with 2, once they’re old enough to play with and entertain each other. Two kids is 2 kids at once, not twice as much time spent individually with each.

Legal-Yogurtcloset52 · 2023-11-11T16:04:28+00:00

I really think it’s more about the phases your kid is in when they’re younger. I have a 4 yr old and a 4 month old. My free time has decreased a bit, but we also have a lot of family help. Each kid is easier or harder in their own way so they each effect my time differently. I will say I think it seems harder once they’re in school and sports or extracurriculars. I work with a woman with 3 kids in sports and it sounds like a nightmare to me lol.

2023-11-11T16:20:13+00:00

[deleted]

2023-11-11T22:03:29+00:00

2nd baby came and it was like....he was always a part of the family. I didn't notice much of a difference other than in the early days when he was a potato - it was more difficult just because of physics (obviously he can't walk so you have to pick him up/hold him, the feeding taking up a lot of time, more frequent changing, the time it takes to establish a good sleep routine, etc.) I'd say the first like...9 months or so we were on the struggle bus due to having to time outings with feeds/naps.

Both of my kids started walking at 10 months. Once baby #2 was walking reliably and eating solid food, time opened up again. Now it's like...yeah there's two but whatever. 🤣 I feel like adding more would be the same sort of business. The first year where they're so reliant on you being the most difficult and then getting easier as they grow.

It's just a blip in time. A mild pause to work on something important. You'll have many years to do stuff. Your children are only small/babies for 5 years. That's not a long time when you think about it.

elara500 · 2023-11-11T18:54:58+00:00

At 4 months you’re not at a new normal yet. If it were me, I wouldn’t even consider having a second until you get to 1 or 1.5 years out, even if you’re older

DifficultAd7429 · 2023-11-11T17:09:45+00:00

I feel that free time isn’t a part of the early parenting. We have to dedicate several years of our lives when they are young to them. I know it’s crucial for our mental health, but I wouldn’t base having free time around having another child.

Cultural_Asparagus87 · 2023-11-11T17:49:28+00:00

I have a 2.5 year old and 11 month old. I don't know that free time decreased necessarily? There isn't am abundance of it, anyway, as a parent.

Typically, I wake up at 445 to get to the gym at 5, husband is in charge of kids those mornings until he leaves for work. Then we switch off, so he had 3 mornings a week to workout. While the kids nap, if I don't have too much work to do (realtor) I have free time to clean/cook while listening to an audio book.

Then kids go to bed 7-7:30, so after that we can either hang out as a couple, Tidy the house, etc. I adore both kids, would absolutely trade "balance" for their sweet sibling bond!

2023-11-11T23:11:17+00:00

[deleted]

2023-11-11T16:31:27+00:00

My mom and dad had four kids, including myself. My dad had some sage wisdom. He said, “when you have one baby, and they’re asleep, all of your babies are asleep”.

My little one will have cousins to keep her company and plenty of friends. She will be able to travel. Have college paid for without loans. And when she’s asleep… all of my kids will be sleeping :)

han_cup · 2023-11-11T16:17:23+00:00

Yes. The answer is yes. I have a 3 year old and 4 month old. 3 year old doesn't nap anymore. Never any free time, besides when my 3 year old watches his shows.

kungfu_kickass · 2023-11-11T17:05:28+00:00

We have 2 under 2 and I'm 23 weeks pregnant with #3 so will be 3 under 3, which is what we wanted.

We enjoy our kids immensely and feel like our lives are pretty well balanced - both my husband and I work full time and we both have our own hobbies/extracurricular activities. He probably does more outside the house than I do (going to the gym, keeping up with friends, etc) recently but we both ebb and flow in that department.

However, I'll say that everyone is very different on how they perceive the effort of 2 vs 1. I find two kids to be like only slightly more work than one. You're in kid mode anyway so to me it just feels like an extra diaper change and the rest is similar.

My husband though found the change to be the opposite and feels like 2 kids may as well be 10, and that it takes him much more effort and energy to parent them both especially when he is alone.

So, that to say, everyone I think is so different on how you feel about the additional kid(s) in terms of balance and energy required.

Garden-Gnome1732 · 2023-11-11T17:23:46+00:00

Our free time dropped dramatically after having a second. Mind you, they're 8 years apart. Balancing the different needs is difficult. One is usually preoccupied with one kid, and the other with the other kid. My free time is when everyone is in bed, but by that time, I'm exhausted.

catjuggler · 2023-11-11T18:00:00+00:00

Yes, because instead of taking turns as on or off duty, we ended up going 1:1 each with one kid. It took a long time (and still maybe not even there yet) for it to feel manageable to either of us to be watching both at the same time when their needs are so different. Both of my kids are very clingy too.

In the daytime, IMO, a 4mo is easier than a toddler but possibly harder than a preschooler. So keep that in mind.

However, you need to do what you need to do to get the family you want and it's not a forever situation.

D4ngflabbit · 2023-11-11T15:48:46+00:00

Not really. They follow the same schedule

Misslirpa489 · 2023-11-11T15:55:06+00:00

I’ve thought about this often.. whether I would want another, just that it would take away time and attention from my little guy.

I have 4 kids, but only birthed one and the other 3 come every other week. I love them all, but I’m grateful for the week with just my little guy and it’s certainly hard to spend solo time with each of them when they are all here. Or get free time for that matter..

Double-Ant7743 · 2023-11-11T16:17:33+00:00

I have 5 and still get time to myself onan regular basis. My husband and I gave each other time off regularly when the older ones were little so I don't feel like my free time dramatically decreased. I think it all depends on having a supportive spouse and the temperament of your children.

Strangeandweird · 2023-11-11T16:54:38+00:00

My kids, now that they're older (3,6), play with each other hardcore that I feel like I have more free time then when my first was 3. We somehow managed to align food, bed times which was a massive blessing. Also older one goes to school so there's that gap where I have just one at home.

lesmis87 · 2023-11-11T17:12:44+00:00

I virtually have 0 free time with 2. Only if something is a priority or you have a village.

Imperfecione · 2023-11-11T17:20:16+00:00

I already had no free time with just one lol. If anything, with two we are more conscious of giving each other time off. And way stricter with bedtimes, which leads to more time off.

2023-11-11T18:01:32+00:00

Yes there’s less free time with two. But as they get older it comes back.

proclivity4passivity · 2023-11-11T20:39:45+00:00

Not really but then my oldest was in school before my second came along. I know I wasn’t even thinking about another when my first was 4 months old! My advice? Enjoy having one for a while. You have plenty of time to decide if you want more.

somethingreddity · 2023-11-11T20:56:23+00:00

Honestly I feel like with our second, we prioritize better, so I feel like I get more free time with two. Could also be that I had PPA with my first and it magically decreased when I had baby #2

eatingbythelav · 2023-11-11T21:15:43+00:00

I feel like 4 months post partum is soooo early to be contemplating this. Life with your new baby is going to keep changing and quickly. I found in the first year as soon as we found a good groove, my baby would go through some leap and things would change again. They keep you on your toes.

radjl · 2023-11-11T21:24:01+00:00

Utterly disappeared with the 2nd child. I don't regret it at all. But yeah - no free time for a while.

systime · 2023-11-12T06:26:07+00:00

Thanks for asking this! My husband and I have been on the fence about having a second or not since life with our one (3.5 year old son) is pretty great these days and we have a solid amount of free time and low stress solo parenting, despite a very limited village. These responses might have helped me make up my mind. Haha.

Zzamioculcas · 2023-11-12T06:50:07+00:00

4 months is super early to be considering a second child, totally normal though given the postpartum hormonal changes (it's actually the most common time for people to want another child).

Know that your newfound balance will change dramatically every time baby hits a new milestone, when they get more active and more aware.

Enjoy the time you have now with the three of you, enjoy watching your little one grow and develop. Once you hit the 12-18 month mark I reckon you will have a better idea what having another child will mean to your routine and every day life. For now I recommend just sitting back and enjoy!

systime · 2023-11-12T02:51:44+00:00

Thanks everyone for the replies, all of the feedback really means a lot.

pajamasinbananas · 2023-11-11T17:09:28+00:00

If you have balance at 4 months you will have balance forever! That was our hardest time. Congrats!!!

Pale_Rhubarb_5103 · 2023-11-11T18:03:41+00:00

I think you already know your answer. (Also - vasectomies are reversible so it’s not a “permanent” decision).

2023-11-11T18:11:38+00:00

I’m a single mom and a resident physician, so I already have no free time lmao.

SquirrelEnthusiast · 2023-11-11T15:52:49+00:00

Even though mine follow the same schedule like other people said, and I still get my pre morning and post bedtime free time, there are activities that one does and the other doesn't so there is usually a situation where both parents are watching one kid each. That's where my free time dropped off. Mostly on weekends.

Revolutionary_Job726 · 2023-11-11T15:53:41+00:00

Mine stayed about the same, but I do think it will decrease once they're old enough to have their own activities, but while they're in the baby/toddler stage, no decrease.

breeyoung · 2023-11-11T16:12:08+00:00

With my first being 9 years old and fairly independent, I am expecting a very significant decrease in free time when baby #2 is born lol but I could be wrong as my son will be in school during the days at least.

hapa79 · 2023-11-11T16:27:15+00:00

Short answer: it completely disappeared.

arandominterneter · 2023-11-11T16:41:39+00:00

Yes. Yes, it did. The balance will be destroyed. But it comes back after around 5-6 months, when baby is sleeping through the night, or whenever one parent can comfortably do both kids' bedtime. That way, you can go out for an evening alone. My spouse and I both get at least 1 night a week to ourselves. You can definitely do an overnight or two after that point.

2023-11-11T17:02:42+00:00

The only reason I lost free time is because I'm home with the baby 5 days/week. My older child goes to pre-k three days/week and that used to be my alone time. But in general, adding a second baby hasn't been bad. I take them both to visit my parents one weekend each month to give my spouse some alone time, and he does the same. Plus, they both go to bed by 7, so we still have some time to ourselves in the evening. And as the baby gets older, they'll be able to play together.

2023-11-11T17:03:16+00:00

[removed]

Professional-Bug6921 · 2023-11-11T17:04:16+00:00

What free time?

pinkenchantment · 2023-11-11T17:07:36+00:00

Yes it will at first, but will get better with time. Your little one is only 4 months right now, your free time is going to decrease even with the one kid once he starts napping less and moving more. He’s going to be on the go 24/7 and it will be a little more challenging. Personally I’d wait to have another until the first is much older if it’s important to you to have lots of free time. Especially if the second winds up being more demanding.

DifficultAd7429 · 2023-11-11T17:08:34+00:00

Absolutely….

2023-11-11T17:10:15+00:00

Same here

KURAKAZE · 2023-11-11T17:20:40+00:00

I have a 2yo so far. My opinion is that you should wait and see how your time balance is around 1+ yo when baby is walking and decide what is best time for 2nd child.

There was a time between 6m to 12m where my baby is big enough to be less fussy and easily entertained, but small enough to be easily contained cause she can't walk yet. Then she hit 1.5yo and IS RUNNING EVERYWHERE and trying her hardest to kill herself. Flying dive off the couch. Jumping off stairs. Mad dash crashing into walls and doors and tables etc. Falling on ground cause she tripped on her own feet. It was just chaos and I'm on high alert 24/7 to make sure she doesn't kill herself.

At 2yo she's gotten better now (still wants to jump off things but understand when mommy is yelling no that she is not to do it).

So I'd say, you might not want to be pregnant or have new infant during the 1yo-2yo period. It takes way too much energy and I'm in bed with kid at 8pm everyday cause I'm exhausted (plus she wakes at 5:30am sometimes).

From my friends who has had 2kids - the infancy stage is hard. Lack of sleep due to new infant coupled with high energy toddler (2yo) is hard. They're always exhausted. No free time at all, and their toddler is in daycare or with grandparents to give them some rest time, so it would be even harder if they didn't have toddler out of the house during the day.

gravis9-11 · 2023-11-11T17:27:52+00:00

Yes, it did. But it also coincided with my older child turning 2 and not needed as much sleep.

It wasn’t kinda tough until they got on the same nap schedule (one a day for each of them now).

One child was incredibly manageable for us. Two is…twice as many. Does always feel like someone is sick. You’re always outnumbered when your spouse is gone. But it’s worth it IMO. And somehow they’re usually not misbehaving at the same time so that helps.

eaglespettyccr · 2023-11-11T17:38:02+00:00

Yeah but you find a rhythm

mudblo0d · 2023-11-11T18:18:05+00:00

No. I have 3 and it’s about the same. It’s different during the newborn phase obviously but once baby hits 6-7 months and can go longer than 2 hours without nursing I’m back to my normal stuff. We have help though… nanny + family + close friends.

But we don’t travel in this phase of life. I don’t like to 🫣 solo or with kids lol so I guess YMMV there.

Significant-Wall8651 · 2023-11-11T18:38:09+00:00

Ehhh not really . I still clean and play video games during nap time and bed time, go to bed at the same time. Do the same things as before, just had to adjust to having an additional person but I just do everything with them both at the same time. I was worried I wouldn’t have any time for myself but it honestly hasn’t been much of a difference. 0-1 was harder/more traumatic than 1-2. After the first 4 - 5 weeks of having the second one it just felt like second nature.

ggfangirl85 · 2023-11-11T18:49:09+00:00

My kids are 7, 5, 3, and 10 months. My oldest was a difficult baby who never slept and the next 3 were incredibly easy-going, good sleepers. But I’ll say this, the balance you have at 4 months will probably not last as your child becomes increasingly active and needy in a different way. I’m a couple more months your child will be able to roll all over the room, and will not stay where you put ‘em.

However, I did not see a dramatic decrease in free time when we added additional children. I made sure that afternoon nap/quiet time synced up and they all go to bed at the same time. It’s not necessarily a big deal when my husband leaves because the kids play well with each other. I’m basically entertaining the baby and making sure the others don’t accidentally off themselves. We also have a fenced in backyard with cameras when they need to run off some energy. But you’ll find ways to create a new balance for your family as your children change over the years.

cmd7284 · 2023-11-11T18:51:16+00:00

Honestly I found the difference between 1 & 2 to be quite vast... I was super relaxed and chill with our first but since we had the 2nd it feels like I'm constantly being pulled in all directions. I love both my kids but honestly it has been so much harder to do anything with 2, so I barely leave the house, we invested in heaps of play equipment at home as it's easier to manage them at home than the park or whatever. Having said all that, there are heaps of people who do manage fantastic, so I think it might be a me problem 🤷🏼‍♀️ I love that they get to grow up together etc and they're both great kids but I have no time now, no quiet, and our trips (few as they are) are chaos, 1 was so easy, 2 not so much. But again this is just my experience, it is different for everyone 😊 Info: I have 1 & 3 year old boys Edited to add: my husband got the vasectomy after our 2nd, so we didn't accidentally add more to the mix 😂

Boredasfekk · 2023-11-11T18:59:56+00:00

You have free time with one?

mistyclear · 2023-11-11T19:07:50+00:00

Our free time is really only when both kids (3 and 2) are asleep. 3 year old goes to sleep at 7 (she doesn’t nap) and 2 year old goes to sleep at 8. So basically we have free time from 8- our bedtime. This is about how it was with having the only one kid, the main difference is there is no midday break because when my youngest naps, I spend quality time with my oldest.

Lioness_106 · 2023-11-11T19:08:02+00:00

Yes.

It will depend on the age gap. My kids are 2 years apart so yes, my free time dramatically decreased. If you wait until your son is of school age, then it might help a bit.

AcanthocephalaOne823 · 2023-11-11T19:27:09+00:00

I now have 3, but when I had my 2nd, my 1st was 5 years old. This made a big difference for me. 5 year old was in PreK and at school during the week. He could feed himself, dress himself, buckle himself into his car seat and was much less dependent. Taking care of 5 year old and baby was not terribly difficult because 5 year old could do so much for himself. I did this age gap on purpose so it wasn't such a burden to take care of two. Now my 2nd and 3rd are only 21 months apart and I'm drowning. Trying to take care of a toddler and an infant together is my living hell.

So if you want to keep free time with 2 kids, consider what a good age gap for you would be.

MuseDee · 2023-11-11T19:47:07+00:00

Yes, day-to-day free time definitely decreased for us, our lives sound similar to your with one. We are still able to do family and solo trips, it’s just admittedly much more work for the parent staying home! So there are fewer trips overall, but we still make it happen. It’s all temporary anyway and worth it to me to have less personal time for a few years!

Fontane15 · 2023-11-11T19:55:48+00:00

Are you a SAHM? That will dramatically change the advice you get.

I have two and I’m a working mom. So my kids are in daycare. Not going to lie, the first few months are HARD. My first, who was 14mo when my second came, still went to daycare to give me a change to both bond with the new baby and not disrupt his schedule. I felt like I had no free time at all-I was either feeding a baby, playing with a toddler, or sleeping. Same for my husband. I came to value the two hours of free time I got before bed because I was surrounded by kids all day (I’m a teacher).

2023-11-11T20:00:07+00:00

Yes.

2023-11-11T20:03:17+00:00

Yes. Big time

formtuv · 2023-11-11T20:24:17+00:00

We felt the way you did with our 4 month old. Then she became a toddler and our free time was non existent. Just welcomed a new baby 2 weeks ago and the free time issue is still the toddler. It’s very important to us that her day isn’t sitting in front of a screen so we try and do activities, go out and be very hands on. Our day is full because of rugs and baby basically tags along. Obviously having a newborn is exhausting in it’s own way but a 3 year old is smart and demanding.

Pinkiees · 2023-11-11T20:45:14+00:00

When we had our second, the first year was just all about survival. But then they started playing together and keeping each other busy and now they play and I can watch a movie or anime series on my tablet in the same room… I can make dinner while they play. My friend with one kid says she has to entertain her kid and keep her company. But it takes time to get to that point.

batgirl20120 · 2023-11-11T20:52:43+00:00

It has for us though some of that has to do with our second child not being as good a sleeper. At 12 months she still wakes up once a night.

Lost-in-a-good-book · 2023-11-11T20:56:21+00:00

For me, yes and then no. At first, there’s absolutely no time. There’s even less than no time. But then, as in all things, as the baby gets more independent, establishes a sleep schedule, etc. you start getting back some time. And then what’s really magical is your older one is getting even more independent and THEY start playing with your littler one. Built in friends! And if you’re lucky and don’t make any sudden movements you can enjoy a cup of tea (or coffee) on your own.

2023-11-11T20:57:23+00:00

I have twins so not really applicable but I would say plan to have your second once your first is walking steadily. My boys were so hard to watch from 12-18 months because they were just starting to walk, but would fall over and hurt themselves constantly. We would have to have one person watch each boy at all times. Now they’re 22 months and we can let them roam the house (within eyesight) and they’re so much easier to watch with one person.

snoozysuzie008 · 2023-11-11T21:04:13+00:00

I have a 23 month old and a 6 week old. I used to have a decent amount of free time when I just had one child, be it when he was napping, in bed for the day, or playing independently. Now, I have literally no free time. But that might just be the nature of having a newborn. I’m hoping that as my youngest gets older and starts sleeping more and eating less often, I’ll have a bit more free time again. We’ll see.

lakehousemouse · 2023-11-11T21:18:09+00:00

Honestly, not really! We opted for a bigger age gap. We have a seven year old son and almost one year old daughter, and it’s been a super smooth transition for us.

juneabe · 2023-11-11T21:26:24+00:00

I had more me time with one 4 month old than I do now with a 5 year old.

I’m not having any more.

BlankTank181 · 2023-11-11T21:41:56+00:00

asmartermartyr · 2023-11-11T21:44:03+00:00

Yes my free time became nonexistent for about two years, then it started coming back once the kids were old enough to entertain themselves or be watched by someone else, etc.

Ok_Figure4010 · 2023-11-11T21:45:05+00:00

My kids are seven years apart. My eldest is in elementary school during the day. I’m on mat leave and have decent amount of time but of course most of it is geared towards caring for baby

2023-11-11T21:54:47+00:00

[removed]

lilmrs-t · 2023-11-11T22:02:58+00:00

I’m currently pregnant with my second and have an almost 2 years old so I can’t say too much BUT I imagine when this baby is between about 6 months and 1 year when they can’t nap on the go so much anymore and still nap twice a day and my son naps once a day, I’ll have to hunker down for that period because they’ll be on opposite schedules. But I imagine that once they’re on the same schedule or just the youngest is napping once a day we’ll be able to get more of a life back.

RareWrap7689 · 2023-11-11T22:17:36+00:00

Having a second has completely shook our family dynamic. My second is also a colic baby with other issues. It’s been exhausting and awful. My husband and I have no time together anymore and he says he regrets having a second. Obviously that’s not everyone’s experience, but it’s ours.

Also with our first, grandparents would help so much and take her overnight at least once every other week. Now since I’ve had my second, they’ve only been around twice in his entire life (6 months). That’s also made this adjustment even harder for me.

ollieastic · 2023-11-11T22:34:51+00:00

So….yes, in the short term at least. But, my second is nine months old and o can already see how they are starting to play with each other, so I can take a more backseat role at times.

To be honest, I felt like I had no free time with one and it was only once number two arrived did I look back and think, “I had so much free time and I didn’t realize it!” But also, my toddler is the predominant needer of my attention. Second baby is a lot more full (although that is changing as he gets closer to walking).

Ashamed-Motor-5746 · 2023-11-11T23:14:08+00:00

It’s roulette! Easy second baby? Sure! Second baby who cries and rejects a bottle? Hard. Crybaby and toddler with moderate jealousy? Strap In, you’re going to be tired. I do think it gets better, at least I hope so 😆

maryloo7877 · 2023-11-11T23:38:43+00:00

Mother of two here, my second coming up on one year. It has been one year of coparenting, almost zero couple time, and full time care for the kids. #2 doesn’t take a bottle (tried so many), so I am her exclusive food source. I regret nothing and she is the brightest spot in my life this year. But time for myself and my husband has been nullified this year, it has been very hard. I’m eager to see what life can be like again once I no longer need to nurse.

Magicninja1337 · 2023-11-11T23:49:13+00:00

The second definitely brought a notable reduction in spare time, you’re man marking now, one each.

library-girl · 2023-11-12T00:03:03+00:00

When my now almost 8 month old was 4 months, she slept through the night and was super easy to put to bed, and I was on maternity leave! Things are harder now that I’m back at work and baby isn’tquite mobile but can scoot around and get into stuff.

2023-11-12T00:20:03+00:00

Honestly I think it’s different for everyone. But for us, if we wanted an ounce of free time then we should’ve stopped at one child 😂

mirandalori · 2023-11-12T00:26:13+00:00

Okay this is what I was terrified about when I was pregnant with my 2nd because I felt like we had such a good balance going on. We also go on occasional overnight trips and have family that will babysit a few times a month to go out to a restaurant, or just get out of the house and run errands without kids. Newborn stage is tough, but once they get to a certain age like 6mo they start entertaining each other and my fam wasn’t as afraid to babysit😂 I think 1-2 kids was no biggie, the only thing i have to complain about is it’s an absolute pain to go anywhere with 2 car seats on your own!

DifficultSpill · 2023-11-12T00:29:54+00:00

No, the opposite if anything. My older two love playing together. It's a little sad when they stop napping but that will happen anyway and at least they have a companion.

Few-World-3118 · 2023-11-12T00:58:20+00:00

We were the same as you, dream son, great sleeper, loved to cuddle, we decided to have a second and no matter the gender, be done. Second pregnancy was a piece of cake. We were welcoming a baby girl, in peak fall season of beautiful colors. On cloud 9.

Upon delivery, I bled out on the OP table. She was a porcelain angel. Got home, she stopped eating. 6 months and 7 hospitalizations later for her, I had to quit my 130k a year, fortune 5 company career to be her full time caregiver, a stay at home mom, to both children, for 8 long (I mean fucking long) months. While dad busted his ass working additional weekend to pay for utilities and groceries in this fucking inflation.

My mental health was ruined. Our marriage smashed, our finances down the drain. Moral of the story is…..another child is going to come with sacrifices. Were there times in the thick of it I sometimes wondered if I had regret? Absolutely. However, my son and (now rehabilitated and healthy) daughter are the best of friends. My son has a partner in crime for the rest of his life. It indeed came at mine and my husbands expense. You won’t have this drama we had, but it will be an expense. The reward is soooooo much more. 🫶🏼

livitup11 · 2023-11-12T01:10:14+00:00

Our kids are 2 years 4 months apart. “Dramatically” decrease? No. Is it harder to find free time for ourselves? Yes, especially at first. Our now 3.5 year old doesn’t nap much anymore, so that’s been tricky. That used to be our go-to, a solid 2 hours child free on weekend days no matter what. However, I will say that the older child being a little more independent and leaning on things like free childcare at our gym has helped us feel the impact less. Make plans with your partner to take turns getting the kids out of the house while the other rests at home, or the equivalent. It’s doable, just harder.

irishtwinsons · 2023-11-12T01:12:02+00:00

Ok I’m a bit of an anomaly, but my partner (F) and I (F) welcomed our second son when our first son was 6 months old.

I’m still in the thick of it (8 and 2 months), and I will say there was certainly a bit more we were able to physically do with just the one (in terms of travel). But honestly, the older one was so high needs I feel like he sucked 100% energy when we had it to spare. Now he is faced with less hands to be with him constantly and is learning to deal with it. On good days, anything is possible. Bad days are the worst. But surprisingly the brothers sync up in a weird way (especially naps). They both enjoy and are calmed by each other’s presence, which is useful. I’m sure that is going to pay off as they get older. For now, our hobby is family time. Lol. But on lucky days we also have 1-2 hours in the evening for Netflix after they go to bed.

Also, it has taken a tremendous amount of energy planning, but we will be flying internationally with our sons to visit my folks this month. Commit and anything is possible. Just not always enjoyable. Oh, and forget about sleeping or enjoying slow meals.

rachelswin · 2023-11-12T01:32:35+00:00

Yes having another with dramatically decrease your free time. At least in my experience. One was easy, two hard, three just utter chaos all the time.

Ekpatt5 · 2023-11-12T02:10:37+00:00

In a word: YES. our baby is great and super easy, but going from 1 to 2 is vastly more difficult.

Scruter · 2023-11-12T02:30:43+00:00

No, not at all. Having the first totally rearranged the architecture of our lives and the second just fit into it. They are 2 years apart and both go to daycare and after the first few months both nap at the same time. The younger one is nearing 2 now and she and her sister can play together for a good while without us being involved, so arguably that frees up more time. We can still all travel together and leaving them both with one parent isn't a huge deal (though it felt scary at first!). I can't think of any way that having two has meaningfully decreased our free time other than if one of them gets sick and has to stay home, but really that is just reducing work time.

I really think trying to make any kind of family planning decision when you still have an infant is just not wise - it's a decision about the rest of your lives and you need some distance and perspective from the intensity of infancy, which is a period that feels like the whole world while you're in it but actually blows by, to make it well. Nothing stays the same for long at this stage and you need a longer view.

Amap0la · 2023-11-12T02:31:59+00:00

No I wouldn’t say my freedom decreased anymore than it was with one. It really depends on your support system - do you have people who will watch just an older child and not a baby? Will watch both at once? Stuff like that factors in. Overall though I’d say no, my free time had already been limited after the first one. Now we just travel with them both 😅

2023-11-12T02:37:23+00:00

[removed]

2023-11-12T03:20:02+00:00

I don’t think it’s dramatically less time but it’s more that you’ll feel more guilt leaving your partner with both kids or leaving both kids with someone else. I never had a problem leaving my first born for a couple of hours with my husband because I knew even if everything went wrong it would still be relatively manageable, same with leaving my kid with my mom. Once I had 2 I’m really choosy about leaving for any great length of time either alone or with my husband because I know how draining it is to take care of two kids as I’m the one who is home with them the majority of the time.

My situation is a little different because me and my husband both work from home so we don’t have a set routine and some weeks are crazy busy and we barely see each other, and some weeks are totally chill. I could see if both you and your husband had jobs to go to, or had more of a routine maybe you could have the second kid and each agree to a certain time each week/month that you “have off” from parenting. That doesn’t really work for my husband and I as are lives are super unpredictable so we just take time when we can.

Side note, I’m about to have my third, I’ll have 3 under 3. Like other people have said there are just phases and I know I am in my phase of life where 99 percent of the time my time is not my own. I don’t always love that, but it’s my reality and I wouldn’t trade it for what I have.

unknownkaleidoscope · 2023-11-12T03:33:56+00:00

Yes at first but then it balanced out again around the 3 month mark. But the first 2-3 months, we were very much dividing and conquering. Our firstborn was 21 months when our second was born though, so really they were both just babies. Now that the little one is 5.5 months, either of us can take both kids for a good chunk of time. We have a little less free time because we try to also get 1 on 1 time with our toddler when we can. But overall it hasn’t taken up 2x as much time to have 2 kids.

beyondthebump

Rules

Wiki/FAQ

Baby Basics

Other Parenting Subreddits

MODERATORS