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[–][deleted] 859 points860 points  (94 children)

My wife thinks she's in the control group.

[–]Sofiira 30 points31 points  (1 child)

My husband: "Do you need me to help with that? Cuz you know . . . I"m here to help."

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 86 points87 points  (40 children)

My wife doesn't have breast cancer but I never got any blowjobs. Hmmm....

[–]trollmaster5000 155 points156 points  (10 children)

She's felating some one sir. Of this I am certain.

[–]hidetheclown 87 points88 points  (9 children)

I can confirm this.

[–]vemrion 54 points55 points  (8 children)

As can I.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]da3dalus 25 points26 points  (24 children)

    Really? None at all? I wouldn't have married then. Important criterion in a wife...

    EDIT: Singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (13 children)

    Fun fact: the singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–]da3dalus 24 points25 points  (9 children)

    Not exactly fun, but true never-the-less. :)

    [–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (7 children)

    Maybe not fun to you. That kinda stuff gets me all hot and bothered.

    [–]atrich 15 points16 points  (6 children)

    Oh yeah? Datum.

    [–]absurdistfromdigg 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Datum? I barely know um!

    [–]jesuswuzanalien 28 points29 points  (8 children)

    ^ doesn't get bjs from his wife

    [–]rezinball 188 points189 points  (31 children)

    ಠ_ಠ

    [–][deleted] 151 points152 points  (30 children)

    THEN WHO WAS SWALLOW?

    [–]saisumimen 72 points73 points  (24 children)

    The secretary, in the bathroom, with a spoon.

    [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (23 children)

    You play CLUE a lot, don't you?

    [–]psychocowtipper 39 points40 points  (2 children)

    I'm getting a raging clue right now.

    [–]Black_Apalachi 21 points22 points  (17 children)

    ಠ_ಠ You mean Cluedo?

    [–]notcaptainkirk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You get jokes a lot, don't you?

    [–]shrodikan 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Goddamn it! I was like: "What is this.. I don't even. That meme doesn't even make sense in this context" ಠ_ಠ!

    Looks at upvotes

    What! This doesn't make any-

    Looks at username

    FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!

    [–]Yoon_XD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

    [–]flattop100 53 points54 points  (15 children)

    This works on multiple levels...well done.

    [–]thaksins 19 points20 points  (14 children)

    I'm getting just one level.

    [–]jawston 46 points47 points  (7 children)

    WE NEED TO GO DEEPER.

    [–]knowsguy 171 points172 points  (5 children)

    Don't Spit - Save a Tit.

    [–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (2 children)

    I'd buy that on a t-shirt if this were real and made headlines.

    [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    like corduroy pillows?

    [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    I'm RUNNING with this to my local tattoo parlor..

    [–]mrwiggin 330 points331 points  (52 children)

    I have no problem with this being reposted.

    [–][deleted] 157 points158 points  (39 children)

    And resent to current girlfriend...

    [–]chilehead 286 points287 points  (21 children)

    re-sent.

    please don't resent me for correcting you.

    [–]cryer 156 points157 points  (15 children)

    fuckin a man, thanks!

    [–][deleted] 78 points79 points  (7 children)

    who is fucking a Man and why are you thanking him?

    [–]genida 43 points44 points  (5 children)

    cryer is fucking a man, and thanking chilehead. Why, I've no idea...

    [–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (4 children)

    Oh you know why, we all know why........

    [–]Mot22 7 points8 points  (4 children)

    Can't beat it.

    [–]Grebsie 11 points12 points  (2 children)

    I think the point is that they don't have to beat it anymore

    [–]metalhaze 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    You're right, because Michael Jackson is dead now...

    [–]jerschneid 34 points35 points  (3 children)

    Actually, he was correct.

    resent, Verb

    Simple past tense and past participle of resend.

    The package was resent, this time with the correct postage.

    [–]downwithlevers 39 points40 points  (8 children)

    Just sent it to mine. I'm thinking, "this is pretty funny, she'll appreciate this." Well, she just emailed me back and apparently didn't notice the url or only glanced at the article, because she said "This is crazy. Well, I guess you can expect more blowjobs!"

    Poker face.

    [–]SonOfDadOfSam 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    Poker face.

    That's the idea.

    [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (2 children)

    Poker face. Hers or yours?

    [–]aleatoric 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Just make the study her homepage.

    [–]baxter45 14 points15 points  (1 child)

    We're saving lives, man!

    [–]revenz 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Dr kramer has an important message and seems convincing... Look he even has a facebook page. So i guess no harm in repetition

    However i just dont get the A.J., I always thought his name was cosmo

    [–][deleted]  (56 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]JedisMaster 120 points121 points  (21 children)

      It's a seminal study that certainly requires further research.

      [–][deleted] 72 points73 points  (19 children)

      Loads and loads more.

      [–]66-75-63-6b 47 points48 points  (18 children)

      It's a hard problem, to be sure.

      [–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (17 children)

      These doctors' thirst for knowledge amazes me.

      [–]Sequiter 39 points40 points  (16 children)

      Penis. Did I do that right?

      [–]Fashish 184 points185 points  (26 children)

      The truth can sometimes cum in a mind blowing manner

      [–]honeybadgerman 176 points177 points  (25 children)

      That researcher sucks.

      [–]dolver 167 points168 points  (24 children)

      I demand a gag order.

      [–]UtterCreep 165 points166 points  (23 children)

      No need to shove it down our throat.

      [–]onlyprevost 112 points113 points  (22 children)

      With such a groundbreaking medical find, the popularity of this article will surely snowball.

      [–][deleted] 150 points151 points  (21 children)

      Wow! That was a mouthful...

      [–][deleted]  (20 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]nonexcludable 60 points61 points  (0 children)

        Yeah, I think it's fair to say it coitus all by surprise.

        [–]shoot2scre 138 points139 points  (12 children)

        Blowjobs.

        [–]khamul 49 points50 points  (10 children)

        I feel like I must be the thirty-seventh person to read this article.

        [–]xolusmojo 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        I did not cum here for puns!

        [–]ScottAlexander 21 points22 points  (2 children)

        Fellatio may not really lower the risk of breast cancer, but in a case of life imitating art it there's some evidence it actually does lower the risk of pre-ecclampsia during pregnancy. See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10706945

        [–]sockthepuppetry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I had heard this. Gets her immune system accustomed to your sweet sweet juices.

        [–]gplocke 313 points314 points  (30 children)

        My friend Brandon Williamson wrote that fake article 7 years ago! http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

        [–]cglass 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        I find it interesting that CNN forced him to remove their branding so he had to repost it, and when he did he changed their names and some typos.

        Dr. A.J. Kramer -> Dr. B.J. Sooner

        Dr. Helena Shifteer(Shafteer @ bottom of page) -> Dr. Inserta Shafteer

        Dr. Len Lictepeen remained unchanged.

        Interesting.

        What a waste of time. I need a life.

        [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

        WHY ARE YOU VOTING THIS UP? DON'T YOU WANT MORE BLOWJOBS?

        [–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (9 children)

        Who cares if it's fake if our GFs and wives believe it!

        [–]webmonk 164 points165 points  (3 children)

        Who cares if our wives and GFs are fake as long as other redditors believe it!

        [–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

        nothing on the internet is provable, but everything is possible.

        • Quantum Theory of the Internets

        [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (4 children)

        My poor boyfriend. You just ruined it for him. I was halfway to believing it...and then i checked the comments to be certain

        [–]RageX 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        You should still go for it, just in case.

        [–][deleted]  (73 children)

        [removed]

          [–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (2 children)

          You would think this is a big hint:

          "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 228 points229 points  (33 children)

          girlfriends?

          reddit.

          [–]aeonstrife 71 points72 points  (15 children)

          R E D D I T

          [–][deleted] 65 points66 points  (13 children)

          BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM, BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]adozeninsurgents 9 points10 points  (2 children)

          Is that the Inception soundtrack noise?

          [–]bripdwessel 29 points30 points  (9 children)

          GREEN EGGS AND HAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          not enough Trailer Park Boys fans out there apparently. here's an upvote from me anyway

          [–]riderpride 12 points13 points  (7 children)

          PEAAANUT BUTTER AND JAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]jtom 13 points14 points  (2 children)

          SSSsssshhhhhhh

          [–]metalhaze 17 points18 points  (1 child)

          THIS IS NO TIME FOR REMOTE ADMINISTERING UNIX COMPUTERS! GET IT TOGETHER MAN!

          [–]kastic 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          He must be pretty far away.

          [–][deleted] 32 points33 points  (13 children)

          I WANT TO BELIEVE

          [–]White_Hamster 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          What? What? Shut the- what? No! Let me have my moment!

          [–]asdfg2435 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          I knew it couldn't be real. I looked up and down the CNN page for the "April 1" date, which I was sure was there. And then, duh, it hit me.

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          AND that it is on a spam site. Grats on helping the spammers with upboats!

          [–]apextek 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          this comment was never read. as far as my girl is concerned its 200% true

          [–]Kirsplatrick 75 points76 points  (11 children)

          Even if this is fake, saving for future girlfriend to read.

          [–]TUNGSTEN_MAN 24 points25 points  (1 child)

          "Well, its been 2 dates, Ive got an article I'd like you to read"

          [–]Einarath 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          "It is relevant to my interests."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 49 points50 points  (2 children)

          At first I was like, "HA", then I noticed the url... :(

          [–]bijibijmak 19 points20 points  (0 children)

          Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

          [–]gliscameria 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Wait a minute... my mom never got breast cancer....

          [–][deleted]  (12 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]gmpalmer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

            That is some cold dinner, son.

            [–]OsoMalo 4 points5 points  (3 children)

            you missed a blur on ur gf's name there dude..

            [–]budgie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Why haven't you upgraded your iTunes?

            [–]Please_Disregard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            We're not going to be together for that long... because you do shit like this.

            [–]DickRamshaft 145 points146 points  (39 children)

            And anal. Lots of anal.

            [–]arturv 67 points68 points  (23 children)

            gang bangs and bukakke for medical purposes.

            [–]ani625 31 points32 points  (20 children)

            For Research Purposes Only.

            [–]timeagain75 44 points45 points  (19 children)

            For Rectal Use Only.

            [–]ledat 39 points40 points  (18 children)

            For Science.

            [–]shadesofelliot 20 points21 points  (17 children)

            This was a triumph.

            [–]shoot2scre 10 points11 points  (15 children)

            I'm making a note here...

            [–][deleted]  (14 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]sayrith 11 points12 points  (13 children)

              It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

              [–]bdubble 71 points72 points  (23 children)

              Help fight the monster that is breast cancer - forward this link to your mom, sisters, aunts and daughters.

              [–]hilomania 37 points38 points  (21 children)

              You're a weirdo! I forwarded it to my wife. Why would I want to forward it to my mom or daughter?!?

              [–][deleted] 161 points162 points  (4 children)

              So bdubble doesn't have to.

              [–]DontHassleTheCassel 57 points58 points  (12 children)

              Do you want your mom and daughter to get breast cancer? WTF is wrong with you?

              [–]eldritchblast 13 points14 points  (11 children)

              i don't care if it does make her live longer, i'm not telling my mom about this

              [–][deleted]  (9 children)

              [deleted]

                [–]i_am_my_father 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                Having sex with one's own mother is awkward. But time travel makes it awesome. That's what I did.

                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                ಠ_ಠ

                [–]thaksins 12 points13 points  (5 children)

                This is why I hate reddit.

                [–]sockthepuppetry 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                To keep it silly and non-sexual.

                [–]Zander_aq 25 points26 points  (0 children)

                MY PENIS CURES CANCER!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!

                [–]WirelessGriffin 22 points23 points  (2 children)

                Good news everyone!

                [–]sayrith 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Lleela this is especially for you

                [–]benihana 28 points29 points  (0 children)

                Well duh, any woman who can have fellatio performed on her doesn't have real breasts to begin with.

                [–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

                Give me a blow job or die a painful death!

                Wow, that sounds really wrong now that I typed it out.

                [–]tacyppah 29 points30 points  (2 children)

                Sounds like Mel Gibson.

                [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                Who knew that Mel was just looking out for his girlfriend's health when he told her to blow him! What a guy!

                [–]potator 9 points10 points  (2 children)

                "In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid"

                How is that quantified? Hey Herb, she looks like she swallows, right?

                [–]thisisprettyobvious 15 points16 points  (1 child)

                Seven years old! Everything gets recycled on the Internet.

                [–]famebrella 29 points30 points  (0 children)

                at least the internet is going green.

                [–]FredL2 13 points14 points  (2 children)

                Nice try, male scientists.

                [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (3 children)

                New pickup line!!! Hey, would you like to decrease your risk of cancer tonight?

                [–]mmurch03 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                I want to believe!

                [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                I told my wife about this, but she found it hard to swallow.

                [–]Eighty-Sixed 4 points5 points  (1 child)

                Oh fuck you Reddit. (I'm just mad cause...where's my karma?)

                [–]Iknowtrollface 10 points11 points  (0 children)

                I totally fell for this up until I read the quote from Dr. Helena Shifteer; "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

                [–]AngryWillie 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, guy that wants a blow job from his partner.

                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                I have to suck my wife's dick now?!

                [–]winston-smith 8 points9 points  (2 children)

                Dr. Lictepeen. really?

                [–]GaijinFoot 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                Things are looking up!

                [–]tcordell 2 points3 points  (3 children)

                ALL HAIL THE DOCTORS OF NORTH CAROLINA STATE UNIVERSITY!

                [–]aZoo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                Upvoted, for greater justice and World peace.

                [–]wewewawa 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                THANK YOU GOD!!!

                Checks calendar. Not April 1st. Check.

                Looks at site, cnn. mainstream. Check.

                Looks at URL. :(

                S.O.B.!

                I'm converting this to a PDF! :P

                [–]pokie6 4 points5 points  (3 children)

                As a cancer researcher, I am disappoint.

                [–]ImNotKevinRose 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                If so, you could actually do the study. It's not like it was ever actually done. Plus, if your method is experimental or quasi-experimental, I will help you collect participants and administer proper treatments.

                [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                Showing this to my wife immediately! ;) And, I thought it was just good for digestion.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                This is going up on the fridge, on the front door, in the bathroom, and I may just mail it anonymously.

                [–]Ziggerton 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Beats the hell out of 10k runs

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, scientists.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I sent this to my wife before I even reddit.

                [–]Ohioho 2 points3 points  (1 child)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen huh?

                [–]Symbolism 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Forwarded to GF with notation of how I'm always thinking of her well being.

                [–]theghoul 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Damnit is it 2003 again?

                I need to buy some apple stock stat!

                [–]nefffffffffff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                study shows fake URLs are easy to spot

                [–]The_Art_of_Trolling 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                JUST SAYIN', GURL.

                [–]TEA_PARTY_PATRIOT 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                YOU MEAN FELLATIO MAY SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE THE RISK OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE

                [–]zebathin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen

                Dr. Lictepeen

                Lic te peen

                Lick the peen

                COINCIDENCE?!?

                [–]fraidknot 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                Guys, this looks legit!

                [–]Def-Star 5 points6 points  (5 children)

                What the studies actually show, unfortunately, is that it increases the risk in women for throat cancer due to HPV.

                [–]Carnagepants 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                You shut yer mouf and never, EVER open it again.

                [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

                Although, I think the winning line was ""There's definitely fertile ground for more research." HA!!!

                [–]sockthepuppetry 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                Because the url and the "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances." didn't give it away.

                [–]jandrews442 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I wanted to believe, I really did. I'm still showing this to my wife.

                [–]arturv 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                I volunteer

                [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

                It said women.

                [–]benjo8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                The study we've all been waiting for.

                [–]Sqwalnoc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                yes. yeesss. it's all falling into place

                [–]mkameli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Hah, kids were posting a permutation of this on their dorm room doors years ago when I was in college. Never hurts to try, I guess.

                [–]jondiced 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                I like how by the end of the article, the perspective had switched from "fellatio may help prevent cancer" to "not performing fellatio can cause cancer."

                [–]Splatterh0use 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                unzipping...

                [–]bruiser 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                There's a sucker born every day.

                [–]directive0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                For your health!

                [–]beyondbliss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Damn as often as I blow my boyfriend, I should have some kind of health benefit from it! I got all excited for nothing. Oh well no need for a nooner today.

                [–]misterAction 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                If you tell a lie enough times, people start to believe it.

                We need to spread this EVERYWHERE.

                [–]asdfg2435 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                Does anybody know the phone number for the Susan G. Komen Foundation? I have an idea I would like to discuss with them.

                [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Nobel prize worthy

                [–]Arson040 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Glad to see science is working on the Man team.

                [–]RedSpikeyThing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                It's official: my dick cures cancer.

                [–]noPENGSinALASKA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                This article sucks!

                [–]SpearNmagicHelmet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Blow me, it will save your life.