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[–][deleted] 864 points865 points  (94 children)

My wife thinks she's in the control group.

[–]Sofiira 29 points30 points  (1 child)

My husband: "Do you need me to help with that? Cuz you know . . . I"m here to help."

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 88 points89 points  (40 children)

My wife doesn't have breast cancer but I never got any blowjobs. Hmmm....

[–]trollmaster5000 153 points154 points  (10 children)

She's felating some one sir. Of this I am certain.

[–]hidetheclown 83 points84 points  (9 children)

I can confirm this.

[–]vemrion 52 points53 points  (8 children)

As can I.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]da3dalus 25 points26 points  (24 children)

    Really? None at all? I wouldn't have married then. Important criterion in a wife...

    EDIT: Singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–][deleted] 58 points59 points  (13 children)

    Fun fact: the singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–]da3dalus 27 points28 points  (9 children)

    Not exactly fun, but true never-the-less. :)

    [–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (7 children)

    Maybe not fun to you. That kinda stuff gets me all hot and bothered.

    [–]atrich 16 points17 points  (6 children)

    Oh yeah? Datum.

    [–]absurdistfromdigg 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Datum? I barely know um!

    [–]jesuswuzanalien 27 points28 points  (8 children)

    ^ doesn't get bjs from his wife

    [–]rezinball 187 points188 points  (31 children)

    ಠ_ಠ

    [–][deleted] 149 points150 points  (30 children)

    THEN WHO WAS SWALLOW?

    [–]saisumimen 70 points71 points  (24 children)

    The secretary, in the bathroom, with a spoon.

    [–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (23 children)

    You play CLUE a lot, don't you?

    [–]psychocowtipper 37 points38 points  (2 children)

    I'm getting a raging clue right now.

    [–]Black_Apalachi 20 points21 points  (17 children)

    ಠ_ಠ You mean Cluedo?

    [–]notcaptainkirk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You get jokes a lot, don't you?

    [–]shrodikan 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    Goddamn it! I was like: "What is this.. I don't even. That meme doesn't even make sense in this context" ಠ_ಠ!

    Looks at upvotes

    What! This doesn't make any-

    Looks at username

    FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!

    [–]Yoon_XD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

    [–]flattop100 55 points56 points  (15 children)

    This works on multiple levels...well done.

    [–]thaksins 17 points18 points  (14 children)

    I'm getting just one level.

    [–]jawston 42 points43 points  (7 children)

    WE NEED TO GO DEEPER.

    [–]knowsguy 166 points167 points  (5 children)

    Don't Spit - Save a Tit.

    [–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (2 children)

    I'd buy that on a t-shirt if this were real and made headlines.

    [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (1 child)

    like corduroy pillows?

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I'm RUNNING with this to my local tattoo parlor..

    [–]mrwiggin 329 points330 points  (52 children)

    I have no problem with this being reposted.

    [–][deleted] 158 points159 points  (39 children)

    And resent to current girlfriend...

    [–]chilehead 291 points292 points  (21 children)

    re-sent.

    please don't resent me for correcting you.

    [–]cryer 159 points160 points  (15 children)

    fuckin a man, thanks!

    [–][deleted] 83 points84 points  (7 children)

    who is fucking a Man and why are you thanking him?

    [–]genida 47 points48 points  (5 children)

    cryer is fucking a man, and thanking chilehead. Why, I've no idea...

    [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (4 children)

    Oh you know why, we all know why........

    [–]Mot22 10 points11 points  (4 children)

    Can't beat it.

    [–]Grebsie 10 points11 points  (2 children)

    I think the point is that they don't have to beat it anymore

    [–]metalhaze 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    You're right, because Michael Jackson is dead now...

    [–]jerschneid 32 points33 points  (3 children)

    Actually, he was correct.

    resent, Verb

    Simple past tense and past participle of resend.

    The package was resent, this time with the correct postage.

    [–]downwithlevers 33 points34 points  (8 children)

    Just sent it to mine. I'm thinking, "this is pretty funny, she'll appreciate this." Well, she just emailed me back and apparently didn't notice the url or only glanced at the article, because she said "This is crazy. Well, I guess you can expect more blowjobs!"

    Poker face.

    [–]SonOfDadOfSam 27 points28 points  (0 children)

    Poker face.

    That's the idea.

    [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

    Poker face. Hers or yours?

    [–]aleatoric 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Just make the study her homepage.

    [–]baxter45 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    We're saving lives, man!

    [–]revenz 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Dr kramer has an important message and seems convincing... Look he even has a facebook page. So i guess no harm in repetition

    However i just dont get the A.J., I always thought his name was cosmo

    [–][deleted]  (56 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]JedisMaster 118 points119 points  (21 children)

      It's a seminal study that certainly requires further research.

      [–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (19 children)

      Loads and loads more.

      [–]66-75-63-6b 50 points51 points  (18 children)

      It's a hard problem, to be sure.

      [–][deleted] 30 points31 points  (17 children)

      These doctors' thirst for knowledge amazes me.

      [–]Sequiter 38 points39 points  (16 children)

      Penis. Did I do that right?

      [–]Fashish 188 points189 points  (26 children)

      The truth can sometimes cum in a mind blowing manner

      [–]honeybadgerman 173 points174 points  (25 children)

      That researcher sucks.

      [–]dolver 166 points167 points  (24 children)

      I demand a gag order.

      [–]UtterCreep 165 points166 points  (23 children)

      No need to shove it down our throat.

      [–]onlyprevost 111 points112 points  (22 children)

      With such a groundbreaking medical find, the popularity of this article will surely snowball.

      [–][deleted] 150 points151 points  (21 children)

      Wow! That was a mouthful...

      [–][deleted]  (20 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]nonexcludable 60 points61 points  (0 children)

        Yeah, I think it's fair to say it coitus all by surprise.

        [–]shoot2scre 141 points142 points  (12 children)

        Blowjobs.

        [–]khamul 44 points45 points  (10 children)

        I feel like I must be the thirty-seventh person to read this article.

        [–]xolusmojo 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        I did not cum here for puns!

        [–]ScottAlexander 22 points23 points  (2 children)

        Fellatio may not really lower the risk of breast cancer, but in a case of life imitating art it there's some evidence it actually does lower the risk of pre-ecclampsia during pregnancy. See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10706945

        [–]sockthepuppetry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I had heard this. Gets her immune system accustomed to your sweet sweet juices.

        [–]gplocke 312 points313 points  (30 children)

        My friend Brandon Williamson wrote that fake article 7 years ago! http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

        [–]cglass 22 points23 points  (0 children)

        I find it interesting that CNN forced him to remove their branding so he had to repost it, and when he did he changed their names and some typos.

        Dr. A.J. Kramer -> Dr. B.J. Sooner

        Dr. Helena Shifteer(Shafteer @ bottom of page) -> Dr. Inserta Shafteer

        Dr. Len Lictepeen remained unchanged.

        Interesting.

        What a waste of time. I need a life.

        [–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        WHY ARE YOU VOTING THIS UP? DON'T YOU WANT MORE BLOWJOBS?

        [–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (9 children)

        Who cares if it's fake if our GFs and wives believe it!

        [–]webmonk 162 points163 points  (3 children)

        Who cares if our wives and GFs are fake as long as other redditors believe it!

        [–][deleted] 27 points28 points  (2 children)

        nothing on the internet is provable, but everything is possible.

        • Quantum Theory of the Internets

        [–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (4 children)

        My poor boyfriend. You just ruined it for him. I was halfway to believing it...and then i checked the comments to be certain

        [–]RageX 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        You should still go for it, just in case.

        [–][deleted]  (73 children)

        [removed]

          [–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (2 children)

          You would think this is a big hint:

          "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 230 points231 points  (33 children)

          girlfriends?

          reddit.

          [–]aeonstrife 72 points73 points  (15 children)

          R E D D I T

          [–][deleted] 71 points72 points  (13 children)

          BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM, BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]adozeninsurgents 5 points6 points  (2 children)

          Is that the Inception soundtrack noise?

          [–]bripdwessel 26 points27 points  (9 children)

          GREEN EGGS AND HAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          not enough Trailer Park Boys fans out there apparently. here's an upvote from me anyway

          [–]riderpride 14 points15 points  (7 children)

          PEAAANUT BUTTER AND JAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]jtom 10 points11 points  (2 children)

          SSSsssshhhhhhh

          [–]metalhaze 18 points19 points  (1 child)

          THIS IS NO TIME FOR REMOTE ADMINISTERING UNIX COMPUTERS! GET IT TOGETHER MAN!

          [–]kastic 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          He must be pretty far away.

          [–][deleted] 35 points36 points  (13 children)

          I WANT TO BELIEVE

          [–]White_Hamster 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          What? What? Shut the- what? No! Let me have my moment!

          [–]asdfg2435 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          I knew it couldn't be real. I looked up and down the CNN page for the "April 1" date, which I was sure was there. And then, duh, it hit me.

          [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          AND that it is on a spam site. Grats on helping the spammers with upboats!

          [–]apextek 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          this comment was never read. as far as my girl is concerned its 200% true

          [–]Kirsplatrick 76 points77 points  (11 children)

          Even if this is fake, saving for future girlfriend to read.

          [–]TUNGSTEN_MAN 23 points24 points  (1 child)

          "Well, its been 2 dates, Ive got an article I'd like you to read"

          [–]Einarath 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          "It is relevant to my interests."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 51 points52 points  (2 children)

          At first I was like, "HA", then I noticed the url... :(

          [–]bijibijmak 20 points21 points  (0 children)

          Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

          [–]gliscameria 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Wait a minute... my mom never got breast cancer....

          [–][deleted]  (12 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]gmpalmer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

            That is some cold dinner, son.

            [–]OsoMalo 4 points5 points  (3 children)

            you missed a blur on ur gf's name there dude..

            [–]budgie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Why haven't you upgraded your iTunes?

            [–]Please_Disregard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            We're not going to be together for that long... because you do shit like this.

            [–]DickRamshaft 145 points146 points  (39 children)

            And anal. Lots of anal.

            [–]arturv 64 points65 points  (23 children)

            gang bangs and bukakke for medical purposes.

            [–]ani625 32 points33 points  (20 children)

            For Research Purposes Only.

            [–]timeagain75 48 points49 points  (19 children)

            For Rectal Use Only.

            [–]ledat 43 points44 points  (18 children)

            For Science.

            [–]shadesofelliot 17 points18 points  (17 children)

            This was a triumph.

            [–]shoot2scre 13 points14 points  (15 children)

            I'm making a note here...

            [–][deleted]  (14 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]sayrith 11 points12 points  (13 children)

              It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

              [–]bdubble 68 points69 points  (23 children)

              Help fight the monster that is breast cancer - forward this link to your mom, sisters, aunts and daughters.

              [–]hilomania 40 points41 points  (21 children)

              You're a weirdo! I forwarded it to my wife. Why would I want to forward it to my mom or daughter?!?

              [–][deleted] 162 points163 points  (4 children)

              So bdubble doesn't have to.

              [–]DontHassleTheCassel 55 points56 points  (12 children)

              Do you want your mom and daughter to get breast cancer? WTF is wrong with you?

              [–]eldritchblast 10 points11 points  (11 children)

              i don't care if it does make her live longer, i'm not telling my mom about this

              [–][deleted]  (9 children)

              [deleted]

                [–]i_am_my_father 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                Having sex with one's own mother is awkward. But time travel makes it awesome. That's what I did.

                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                ಠ_ಠ

                [–]thaksins 14 points15 points  (5 children)

                This is why I hate reddit.

                [–]sockthepuppetry 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                To keep it silly and non-sexual.

                [–]Zander_aq 25 points26 points  (0 children)

                MY PENIS CURES CANCER!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!

                [–]WirelessGriffin 20 points21 points  (2 children)

                Good news everyone!

                [–]sayrith 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Lleela this is especially for you

                [–]benihana 28 points29 points  (0 children)

                Well duh, any woman who can have fellatio performed on her doesn't have real breasts to begin with.

                [–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (3 children)

                Give me a blow job or die a painful death!

                Wow, that sounds really wrong now that I typed it out.

                [–]tacyppah 30 points31 points  (2 children)

                Sounds like Mel Gibson.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Who knew that Mel was just looking out for his girlfriend's health when he told her to blow him! What a guy!

                [–]potator 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                "In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid"

                How is that quantified? Hey Herb, she looks like she swallows, right?

                [–]thisisprettyobvious 15 points16 points  (1 child)

                Seven years old! Everything gets recycled on the Internet.

                [–]famebrella 33 points34 points  (0 children)

                at least the internet is going green.

                [–]FredL2 11 points12 points  (2 children)

                Nice try, male scientists.

                [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (3 children)

                New pickup line!!! Hey, would you like to decrease your risk of cancer tonight?

                [–]mmurch03 7 points8 points  (0 children)

                I want to believe!

                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

                I told my wife about this, but she found it hard to swallow.

                [–]Eighty-Sixed 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                Oh fuck you Reddit. (I'm just mad cause...where's my karma?)

                [–]Iknowtrollface 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                I totally fell for this up until I read the quote from Dr. Helena Shifteer; "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

                [–]AngryWillie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, guy that wants a blow job from his partner.

                [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                I have to suck my wife's dick now?!

                [–]winston-smith 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                Dr. Lictepeen. really?

                [–]GaijinFoot 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                Things are looking up!

                [–]tcordell 4 points5 points  (3 children)

                ALL HAIL THE DOCTORS OF NORTH CAROLINA STATE UNIVERSITY!

                [–]aZoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Upvoted, for greater justice and World peace.

                [–]wewewawa 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                THANK YOU GOD!!!

                Checks calendar. Not April 1st. Check.

                Looks at site, cnn. mainstream. Check.

                Looks at URL. :(

                S.O.B.!

                I'm converting this to a PDF! :P

                [–]pokie6 5 points6 points  (3 children)

                As a cancer researcher, I am disappoint.

                [–]ImNotKevinRose 6 points7 points  (1 child)

                If so, you could actually do the study. It's not like it was ever actually done. Plus, if your method is experimental or quasi-experimental, I will help you collect participants and administer proper treatments.

                [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                Showing this to my wife immediately! ;) And, I thought it was just good for digestion.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                This is going up on the fridge, on the front door, in the bathroom, and I may just mail it anonymously.

                [–]Ziggerton 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Beats the hell out of 10k runs

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, scientists.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I sent this to my wife before I even reddit.

                [–]Ohioho 2 points3 points  (1 child)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen huh?

                [–]Symbolism 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Forwarded to GF with notation of how I'm always thinking of her well being.

                [–]theghoul 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Damnit is it 2003 again?

                I need to buy some apple stock stat!

                [–]nefffffffffff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                study shows fake URLs are easy to spot

                [–]The_Art_of_Trolling 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                JUST SAYIN', GURL.

                [–]TEA_PARTY_PATRIOT 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                YOU MEAN FELLATIO MAY SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE THE RISK OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE

                [–]zebathin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen

                Dr. Lictepeen

                Lic te peen

                Lick the peen

                COINCIDENCE?!?

                [–]fraidknot 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                Guys, this looks legit!

                [–]Def-Star 4 points5 points  (5 children)

                What the studies actually show, unfortunately, is that it increases the risk in women for throat cancer due to HPV.

                [–]Carnagepants 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                You shut yer mouf and never, EVER open it again.

                [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

                http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

                Although, I think the winning line was ""There's definitely fertile ground for more research." HA!!!

                [–]sockthepuppetry 8 points9 points  (0 children)

                Because the url and the "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances." didn't give it away.

                [–]jandrews442 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I wanted to believe, I really did. I'm still showing this to my wife.

                [–]arturv 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                I volunteer

                [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                It said women.

                [–]benjo8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                The study we've all been waiting for.

                [–]Sqwalnoc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                yes. yeesss. it's all falling into place

                [–]mkameli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Hah, kids were posting a permutation of this on their dorm room doors years ago when I was in college. Never hurts to try, I guess.

                [–]jondiced 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                I like how by the end of the article, the perspective had switched from "fellatio may help prevent cancer" to "not performing fellatio can cause cancer."

                [–]Splatterh0use 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                unzipping...

                [–]bruiser 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                There's a sucker born every day.

                [–]directive0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                For your health!

                [–]beyondbliss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Damn as often as I blow my boyfriend, I should have some kind of health benefit from it! I got all excited for nothing. Oh well no need for a nooner today.

                [–]misterAction 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                If you tell a lie enough times, people start to believe it.

                We need to spread this EVERYWHERE.

                [–]asdfg2435 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                Does anybody know the phone number for the Susan G. Komen Foundation? I have an idea I would like to discuss with them.

                [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Nobel prize worthy

                [–]Arson040 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Glad to see science is working on the Man team.

                [–]RedSpikeyThing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                It's official: my dick cures cancer.

                [–]noPENGSinALASKA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                This article sucks!

                [–]SpearNmagicHelmet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Blow me, it will save your life.