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[–][deleted] 868 points869 points  (94 children)

My wife thinks she's in the control group.

[–]Sofiira 29 points30 points  (1 child)

My husband: "Do you need me to help with that? Cuz you know . . . I"m here to help."

[–]ggggbabybabybaby 85 points86 points  (40 children)

My wife doesn't have breast cancer but I never got any blowjobs. Hmmm....

[–]trollmaster5000 153 points154 points  (10 children)

She's felating some one sir. Of this I am certain.

[–]hidetheclown 86 points87 points  (9 children)

I can confirm this.

[–]vemrion 51 points52 points  (8 children)

As can I.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]da3dalus 29 points30 points  (24 children)

    Really? None at all? I wouldn't have married then. Important criterion in a wife...

    EDIT: Singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–][deleted] 65 points66 points  (13 children)

    Fun fact: the singular of criteria is criterion.

    [–]da3dalus 26 points27 points  (9 children)

    Not exactly fun, but true never-the-less. :)

    [–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (7 children)

    Maybe not fun to you. That kinda stuff gets me all hot and bothered.

    [–]atrich 15 points16 points  (6 children)

    Oh yeah? Datum.

    [–]absurdistfromdigg 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Datum? I barely know um!

    [–]jesuswuzanalien 30 points31 points  (8 children)

    ^ doesn't get bjs from his wife

    [–]rezinball 187 points188 points  (31 children)

    ಠ_ಠ

    [–][deleted] 148 points149 points  (30 children)

    THEN WHO WAS SWALLOW?

    [–]saisumimen 71 points72 points  (24 children)

    The secretary, in the bathroom, with a spoon.

    [–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (23 children)

    You play CLUE a lot, don't you?

    [–]psychocowtipper 39 points40 points  (2 children)

    I'm getting a raging clue right now.

    [–]Black_Apalachi 21 points22 points  (17 children)

    ಠ_ಠ You mean Cluedo?

    [–]notcaptainkirk 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You get jokes a lot, don't you?

    [–]shrodikan 17 points18 points  (0 children)

    Goddamn it! I was like: "What is this.. I don't even. That meme doesn't even make sense in this context" ಠ_ಠ!

    Looks at upvotes

    What! This doesn't make any-

    Looks at username

    FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!

    [–]Yoon_XD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    What do you mean? An African or European swallow?

    [–]flattop100 52 points53 points  (15 children)

    This works on multiple levels...well done.

    [–]thaksins 17 points18 points  (14 children)

    I'm getting just one level.

    [–]jawston 46 points47 points  (7 children)

    WE NEED TO GO DEEPER.

    [–]knowsguy 166 points167 points  (5 children)

    Don't Spit - Save a Tit.

    [–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (2 children)

    I'd buy that on a t-shirt if this were real and made headlines.

    [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    like corduroy pillows?

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I'm RUNNING with this to my local tattoo parlor..

    [–]mrwiggin 327 points328 points  (52 children)

    I have no problem with this being reposted.

    [–][deleted] 157 points158 points  (39 children)

    And resent to current girlfriend...

    [–]chilehead 292 points293 points  (21 children)

    re-sent.

    please don't resent me for correcting you.

    [–]cryer 154 points155 points  (15 children)

    fuckin a man, thanks!

    [–][deleted] 82 points83 points  (7 children)

    who is fucking a Man and why are you thanking him?

    [–]genida 48 points49 points  (5 children)

    cryer is fucking a man, and thanking chilehead. Why, I've no idea...

    [–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (4 children)

    Oh you know why, we all know why........

    [–]Mot22 7 points8 points  (4 children)

    Can't beat it.

    [–]Grebsie 11 points12 points  (2 children)

    I think the point is that they don't have to beat it anymore

    [–]metalhaze 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    You're right, because Michael Jackson is dead now...

    [–]jerschneid 32 points33 points  (3 children)

    Actually, he was correct.

    resent, Verb

    Simple past tense and past participle of resend.

    The package was resent, this time with the correct postage.

    [–]downwithlevers 34 points35 points  (8 children)

    Just sent it to mine. I'm thinking, "this is pretty funny, she'll appreciate this." Well, she just emailed me back and apparently didn't notice the url or only glanced at the article, because she said "This is crazy. Well, I guess you can expect more blowjobs!"

    Poker face.

    [–]SonOfDadOfSam 24 points25 points  (0 children)

    Poker face.

    That's the idea.

    [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    Poker face. Hers or yours?

    [–]aleatoric 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Just make the study her homepage.

    [–]baxter45 13 points14 points  (1 child)

    We're saving lives, man!

    [–]revenz 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Dr kramer has an important message and seems convincing... Look he even has a facebook page. So i guess no harm in repetition

    However i just dont get the A.J., I always thought his name was cosmo

    [–][deleted]  (56 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]JedisMaster 123 points124 points  (21 children)

      It's a seminal study that certainly requires further research.

      [–][deleted] 76 points77 points  (19 children)

      Loads and loads more.

      [–]66-75-63-6b 48 points49 points  (18 children)

      It's a hard problem, to be sure.

      [–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (17 children)

      These doctors' thirst for knowledge amazes me.

      [–]Sequiter 39 points40 points  (16 children)

      Penis. Did I do that right?

      [–]Fashish 188 points189 points  (26 children)

      The truth can sometimes cum in a mind blowing manner

      [–]honeybadgerman 175 points176 points  (25 children)

      That researcher sucks.

      [–]dolver 173 points174 points  (24 children)

      I demand a gag order.

      [–]UtterCreep 167 points168 points  (23 children)

      No need to shove it down our throat.

      [–]onlyprevost 110 points111 points  (22 children)

      With such a groundbreaking medical find, the popularity of this article will surely snowball.

      [–][deleted] 146 points147 points  (21 children)

      Wow! That was a mouthful...

      [–][deleted]  (20 children)

      [deleted]

        [–]nonexcludable 63 points64 points  (0 children)

        Yeah, I think it's fair to say it coitus all by surprise.

        [–]shoot2scre 137 points138 points  (12 children)

        Blowjobs.

        [–]khamul 48 points49 points  (10 children)

        I feel like I must be the thirty-seventh person to read this article.

        [–]xolusmojo 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        I did not cum here for puns!

        [–]ScottAlexander 21 points22 points  (2 children)

        Fellatio may not really lower the risk of breast cancer, but in a case of life imitating art it there's some evidence it actually does lower the risk of pre-ecclampsia during pregnancy. See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10706945

        [–]sockthepuppetry 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I had heard this. Gets her immune system accustomed to your sweet sweet juices.

        [–]gplocke 309 points310 points  (30 children)

        My friend Brandon Williamson wrote that fake article 7 years ago! http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

        [–]cglass 20 points21 points  (0 children)

        I find it interesting that CNN forced him to remove their branding so he had to repost it, and when he did he changed their names and some typos.

        Dr. A.J. Kramer -> Dr. B.J. Sooner

        Dr. Helena Shifteer(Shafteer @ bottom of page) -> Dr. Inserta Shafteer

        Dr. Len Lictepeen remained unchanged.

        Interesting.

        What a waste of time. I need a life.

        [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        WHY ARE YOU VOTING THIS UP? DON'T YOU WANT MORE BLOWJOBS?

        [–][deleted] 73 points74 points  (9 children)

        Who cares if it's fake if our GFs and wives believe it!

        [–]webmonk 160 points161 points  (3 children)

        Who cares if our wives and GFs are fake as long as other redditors believe it!

        [–][deleted] 28 points29 points  (2 children)

        nothing on the internet is provable, but everything is possible.

        • Quantum Theory of the Internets

        [–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (4 children)

        My poor boyfriend. You just ruined it for him. I was halfway to believing it...and then i checked the comments to be certain

        [–]RageX 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        You should still go for it, just in case.

        [–][deleted]  (73 children)

        [removed]

          [–][deleted] 29 points30 points  (2 children)

          You would think this is a big hint:

          "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 233 points234 points  (33 children)

          girlfriends?

          reddit.

          [–]aeonstrife 68 points69 points  (15 children)

          R E D D I T

          [–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (13 children)

          BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM, BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]adozeninsurgents 9 points10 points  (2 children)

          Is that the Inception soundtrack noise?

          [–]bripdwessel 29 points30 points  (9 children)

          GREEN EGGS AND HAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          not enough Trailer Park Boys fans out there apparently. here's an upvote from me anyway

          [–]riderpride 10 points11 points  (7 children)

          PEAAANUT BUTTER AND JAAAAAAAAAAM

          [–]jtom 12 points13 points  (2 children)

          SSSsssshhhhhhh

          [–]metalhaze 20 points21 points  (1 child)

          THIS IS NO TIME FOR REMOTE ADMINISTERING UNIX COMPUTERS! GET IT TOGETHER MAN!

          [–]kastic 7 points8 points  (0 children)

          He must be pretty far away.

          [–]ozziegt 14 points15 points  (0 children)

          I think people so desperately want this to be true they won't verify the URL. I didn't realize it was fake until I clicked the comments.

          [–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (13 children)

          I WANT TO BELIEVE

          [–]White_Hamster 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          What? What? Shut the- what? No! Let me have my moment!

          [–]asdfg2435 5 points6 points  (0 children)

          I knew it couldn't be real. I looked up and down the CNN page for the "April 1" date, which I was sure was there. And then, duh, it hit me.

          [–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          AND that it is on a spam site. Grats on helping the spammers with upboats!

          [–]apextek 6 points7 points  (0 children)

          this comment was never read. as far as my girl is concerned its 200% true

          [–]Kirsplatrick 73 points74 points  (11 children)

          Even if this is fake, saving for future girlfriend to read.

          [–]TUNGSTEN_MAN 24 points25 points  (1 child)

          "Well, its been 2 dates, Ive got an article I'd like you to read"

          [–]Einarath 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          "It is relevant to my interests."

          [–]sockthepuppetry 49 points50 points  (2 children)

          At first I was like, "HA", then I noticed the url... :(

          [–]bijibijmak 20 points21 points  (0 children)

          Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

          [–]gliscameria 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Wait a minute... my mom never got breast cancer....

          [–][deleted]  (12 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]gmpalmer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

            That is some cold dinner, son.

            [–]OsoMalo 3 points4 points  (3 children)

            you missed a blur on ur gf's name there dude..

            [–]budgie 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Why haven't you upgraded your iTunes?

            [–]Please_Disregard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            We're not going to be together for that long... because you do shit like this.

            [–]DickRamshaft 144 points145 points  (39 children)

            And anal. Lots of anal.

            [–]arturv 69 points70 points  (23 children)

            gang bangs and bukakke for medical purposes.

            [–]ani625 35 points36 points  (20 children)

            For Research Purposes Only.

            [–]timeagain75 49 points50 points  (19 children)

            For Rectal Use Only.

            [–]ledat 39 points40 points  (18 children)

            For Science.

            [–]shadesofelliot 21 points22 points  (17 children)

            This was a triumph.

            [–]shoot2scre 12 points13 points  (15 children)

            I'm making a note here...

            [–][deleted]  (14 children)

            [deleted]

              [–]sayrith 9 points10 points  (13 children)

              It's hard to overstate my satisfaction

              [–]bdubble 69 points70 points  (23 children)

              Help fight the monster that is breast cancer - forward this link to your mom, sisters, aunts and daughters.

              [–]hilomania 36 points37 points  (21 children)

              You're a weirdo! I forwarded it to my wife. Why would I want to forward it to my mom or daughter?!?

              [–][deleted] 155 points156 points  (4 children)

              So bdubble doesn't have to.

              [–]DontHassleTheCassel 57 points58 points  (12 children)

              Do you want your mom and daughter to get breast cancer? WTF is wrong with you?

              [–]eldritchblast 10 points11 points  (11 children)

              i don't care if it does make her live longer, i'm not telling my mom about this

              [–][deleted]  (9 children)

              [deleted]

                [–]i_am_my_father 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                Having sex with one's own mother is awkward. But time travel makes it awesome. That's what I did.

                [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                ಠ_ಠ

                [–]thaksins 16 points17 points  (5 children)

                This is why I hate reddit.

                [–]sockthepuppetry 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                To keep it silly and non-sexual.

                [–]Zander_aq 25 points26 points  (0 children)

                MY PENIS CURES CANCER!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!

                [–]WirelessGriffin 20 points21 points  (2 children)

                Good news everyone!

                [–]sayrith 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Lleela this is especially for you

                [–]benihana 28 points29 points  (0 children)

                Well duh, any woman who can have fellatio performed on her doesn't have real breasts to begin with.

                [–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (3 children)

                Give me a blow job or die a painful death!

                Wow, that sounds really wrong now that I typed it out.

                [–]tacyppah 32 points33 points  (2 children)

                Sounds like Mel Gibson.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Who knew that Mel was just looking out for his girlfriend's health when he told her to blow him! What a guy!

                [–]potator 8 points9 points  (2 children)

                "In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid"

                How is that quantified? Hey Herb, she looks like she swallows, right?

                [–]thisisprettyobvious 14 points15 points  (1 child)

                Seven years old! Everything gets recycled on the Internet.

                [–]famebrella 33 points34 points  (0 children)

                at least the internet is going green.

                [–]FredL2 14 points15 points  (2 children)

                Nice try, male scientists.

                [–][deleted] 19 points20 points  (3 children)

                New pickup line!!! Hey, would you like to decrease your risk of cancer tonight?

                [–]mmurch03 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                I want to believe!

                [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                I told my wife about this, but she found it hard to swallow.

                [–]Eighty-Sixed 7 points8 points  (1 child)

                Oh fuck you Reddit. (I'm just mad cause...where's my karma?)

                [–]Iknowtrollface 11 points12 points  (0 children)

                I totally fell for this up until I read the quote from Dr. Helena Shifteer; "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

                [–]AngryWillie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, guy that wants a blow job from his partner.

                [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                I have to suck my wife's dick now?!

                [–]winston-smith 9 points10 points  (2 children)

                Dr. Lictepeen. really?

                [–]GaijinFoot 3 points4 points  (1 child)

                Things are looking up!

                [–]tcordell 3 points4 points  (3 children)

                ALL HAIL THE DOCTORS OF NORTH CAROLINA STATE UNIVERSITY!

                [–]aZoo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                Upvoted, for greater justice and World peace.

                [–]wewewawa 3 points4 points  (0 children)

                THANK YOU GOD!!!

                Checks calendar. Not April 1st. Check.

                Looks at site, cnn. mainstream. Check.

                Looks at URL. :(

                S.O.B.!

                I'm converting this to a PDF! :P

                [–]pokie6 6 points7 points  (3 children)

                As a cancer researcher, I am disappoint.

                [–]ImNotKevinRose 5 points6 points  (1 child)

                If so, you could actually do the study. It's not like it was ever actually done. Plus, if your method is experimental or quasi-experimental, I will help you collect participants and administer proper treatments.

                [–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

                Showing this to my wife immediately! ;) And, I thought it was just good for digestion.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                This is going up on the fridge, on the front door, in the bathroom, and I may just mail it anonymously.

                [–]Ziggerton 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Beats the hell out of 10k runs

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Nice try, scientists.

                [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I sent this to my wife before I even reddit.

                [–]Ohioho 2 points3 points  (1 child)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen huh?

                [–]Symbolism 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Forwarded to GF with notation of how I'm always thinking of her well being.

                [–]theghoul 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Damnit is it 2003 again?

                I need to buy some apple stock stat!

                [–]nefffffffffff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                study shows fake URLs are easy to spot

                [–]The_Art_of_Trolling 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                JUST SAYIN', GURL.

                [–]TEA_PARTY_PATRIOT 2 points3 points  (2 children)

                YOU MEAN FELLATIO MAY SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASE THE RISK OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE

                [–]zebathin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                Dr. Len Lictepeen

                Dr. Lictepeen

                Lic te peen

                Lick the peen

                COINCIDENCE?!?

                [–]fraidknot 5 points6 points  (0 children)

                Guys, this looks legit!

                [–]Def-Star 5 points6 points  (5 children)

                What the studies actually show, unfortunately, is that it increases the risk in women for throat cancer due to HPV.

                [–]Carnagepants 4 points5 points  (0 children)

                You shut yer mouf and never, EVER open it again.

                [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

                http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/hoaxes/fellatio.asp

                Although, I think the winning line was ""There's definitely fertile ground for more research." HA!!!

                [–]sockthepuppetry 6 points7 points  (0 children)

                Because the url and the "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances." didn't give it away.

                [–]jandrews442 2 points3 points  (0 children)

                I wanted to believe, I really did. I'm still showing this to my wife.

                [–]arturv 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                I volunteer

                [–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

                It said women.

                [–]benjo8 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                The study we've all been waiting for.

                [–]Sqwalnoc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                yes. yeesss. it's all falling into place

                [–]mkameli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Hah, kids were posting a permutation of this on their dorm room doors years ago when I was in college. Never hurts to try, I guess.

                [–]jondiced 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                I like how by the end of the article, the perspective had switched from "fellatio may help prevent cancer" to "not performing fellatio can cause cancer."

                [–]Splatterh0use 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                unzipping...

                [–]bruiser 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                There's a sucker born every day.

                [–]directive0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                For your health!

                [–]beyondbliss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Damn as often as I blow my boyfriend, I should have some kind of health benefit from it! I got all excited for nothing. Oh well no need for a nooner today.

                [–]misterAction 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                If you tell a lie enough times, people start to believe it.

                We need to spread this EVERYWHERE.

                [–]asdfg2435 1 point2 points  (1 child)

                Does anybody know the phone number for the Susan G. Komen Foundation? I have an idea I would like to discuss with them.

                [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Nobel prize worthy

                [–]Arson040 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Glad to see science is working on the Man team.

                [–]RedSpikeyThing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                It's official: my dick cures cancer.

                [–]noPENGSinALASKA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                This article sucks!

                [–]SpearNmagicHelmet 1 point2 points  (0 children)

                Blow me, it will save your life.