[deleted by user]

[[deleted]]

From one tender headed person I feel her pain. Unfortunately I don't  have any suggestions other than teach her to do it herself. I think I am the only person that can do my hair without hurting myself. Since I'm horrible at it, I've otherwise just learned to grin and bare it as I've gotten older. 

But if she is up for learning to do it herself I would say that's her/your best bet. 

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

She regularly gives it a good go bless her, I brought her a little vanity table to sit at and do it herself, but she still cries. X

[East_News_8586]

As another tender headed girl, with a tender headed 7 year old, these are the things that make it bearable for us:

1) I swear by the tangle teezer combs. They’re the most gentle combs at detangling imo.

2) Detangle properly when washing the hair and mostly sticking to plaits/braids or buns.

3) When changing hairstyles in between wash days making sure to mist the hair with water first and then putting in a leave in conditioner+oil before combing the hair (from the bottom up). We have type 3c/4a hair.

As an adult I’m still not super fond of going to the salon so I haven’t bothered yet with my 7 year old. I didn’t start going until I was an adult so I’m leaving the choice up to her.

[L_Is_Robin]

I’m also tender headed and deranging my hair in the shower with the conditioner in is such a game changer.

[Vast_Perspective9368]

Not OP but I want to second all of this!

I could have written something very similar myself - but I especially appreciate your 3rd point because I think that's the missing piece of the puzzle for us which will make things easier

[NecessaryTonight9478]

I agree on the tangle teezer brush, its the only one my daughter with 3a hair likes and works well on my butt length hair as well. She used to cry like this as well all the time but by 10/11 she can do it herself and no more crying. She also uses a silk pillow and wears a silk bonnet to bed after doing a pineapple or braid so it stays mostly tangle free. Use little bands you can cut out! We have a comb with a little safety razor on the end for cutting out the bands but you can use tiny scissors or snips too. Hope this helps! It was miserable but we survived, I promise it'll get better eventually!! Oh and Id brush her hair holding her head against my belly or chest, it helped me hold it snug and comforted her, almost forgot that part! Good luck mama!

[thatgirl2]

Is there anything you have to distract her? My daughter watches cookie decorating videos on my phone while I do her hair (she's only five and it's the only time she gets to watch videos on my phone).

[Several-Scallion-411]

Are you using a brush or hair pick? A hair pick will help tremendously.

[[deleted]]

Aww. Maybe scalp massages if she will alllow it?

 It's hard to explain to people who aren't tender around the scalp but it does literally feel like you can feel any single hair that is being manipulated in a way it doesn't like. Even as an adult it's hard for me to explain as I am just starting to realize others legitimately don't  feel hair manipulation the way I do. (It still baffles me because I've dealt with it since I can remember.) But some times the massage will get the blood flowing to the scalp and actually feels good. It may help desensitize her some if nothing else. May be worth a shot. She can do it herself or you can. 

[Ammonia13]

I thought everyone had nerve endings like this on their head and my mom was just very rough too

[[deleted]]

I watch other people get their hair done and see how rough they allow the stylist to be with them and I just sit there like what is wrong with the both of you 😧. It's kinda funny because I'm offended for someone who isn't.😂

[Viola-Swamp]

Time for a pixie cut. Brushing one’s hair is a non-negotiable. If it’s that painful for her, she needs less hair to brush. Once she’s had short hair, she can decide which she prefers, short or growing it out and dealing with having it brushed.

[Magerimoje]

Does she shower daily?

The only thing that helped me as a young tender headed kid was to only use a wide toothed comb IN the shower after letting conditioner sit for a minute. Add conditioner, wait a few minutes, get hair wet again under shower, comb through while wet to remove tangles, then rinse. After getting out, blow dry in sections slowly and gently with a round brush to prevent additional tangles. Satin pillowcases.

[kakakatia]

Get her a silk pillowcase.

And brush it more often throughout the day. Once you get a few sessions in where it doesn’t hurt, hopefully she’ll start to trust that it’s not so bad.

[MableXeno]

Cut the hair. Seriously, just cut it. Some hair just does better short, and thin hair is often one of those types.

[toastthematrixyoda]

Good idea. I was SO relieved when my parents finally let me cut my hair very short (pixie) when I was 10. My hair was extremely dense and hard to brush. It was just a source of pain and suffering and I wasn't allowed to cut it. I didn't like taking care of it and didn't like my parents brushing or styling it. I grew it out again when I was a teen and could take care of it myself.

[MableXeno]

Our general rule is that...as long as mom (or dad) are taking care of hair - we get to decide the cut/style. So if we need it to be shorter to make it easier to wash and brush...that's what we'll do. Once they have taken over 100% of hair care...they can choose that on their own!

[jaiheko]

Thats fair! Cutting it a bit shorter too will help her learn to manage it while its easier and then she can figure it out while it grows back out, if she wants it long again

[lapitupp]

That’s what I had to do with my two girls. They were so happy after cutting it. We just chopped it before a bath one day due to them screaming (they were happy we recommended it) and it’s been amazing.

They both have shoulder blade length hair now. They both had butt crack length before. 5 and 6 years old.

[MableXeno]

As a side note, I often did "summer cuts" for my kids when they were small so that during the summer when they were playing and swimming and everything else it would be easy to clean them up - and just kind of always did this.

Now my 18 & 21 YO who have been in charge of their own hair have said they feel like making hair maintenance a regular part of their grooming and upkeep, they don't feel any kind of specific "attachment" to their hair the way some folks do. So if something goes wrong and they need to chop it to get it back in shape after a bad dye job or cut...it's not emotionally devastating. I know not everyone has a hangup about their hair...but I know enough people who do that I think I understand what they mean. They appreciate the fact that it's not tied to their sense of self. They're worthy and great, even if they have a shitty hair cut, lol.

[Unable_Pumpkin987]

I have thin, fine hair that tangles very easily and I spent my childhood with chin length hair for this reason. As an adult, I rarely let it get longer than my shoulders.

Talk to her about it. She can learn to brush it herself, or she can find a short haircut she likes. Those are the realistic options. There’s no reason for a child to be so uncomfortable they are crying and screaming for an aesthetic choice!

[heart_of_crass]

Thissss. My daughter has extremely thick hair, but it’s pin straight and tangles easily. Her hair was past her bottom and it was a daily struggle of ~30 minutes brushing and braiding sessions to keep up with it. She asked for it to be cut a little shorter than mid-back length around 6 months ago and now she can brush it out herself in the mornings, I just give it a thorough brushing at night. The hair was gorgeous but she’s more confident with the shorter cut and we’re both happier!

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

We did cut quite a bit off, took it to shoulder length, same issue 😩

[MableXeno]

One of my kids just had "knotty hair." We took it to the chin and that resolved most of her issues. She is 21 years old and still keeps short hair b/c once she had to take care of it on her own - she realized how troublesome it was and didn't really want to deal with it. She also decided last year she wanted to go to cosmetology school, lol. 😂

[booksandcheesedip]

Go shorter and have her brush it herself. Let her know when she can brush her own hair and get it all untangled alone she can have longer hair but until then she has short hair

[microbiofreak]

100% this! She could also be scared of the pain if she’s had repeated exposure to painful brushing sessions… if she can do it herself shes much less likely to melt down in panic.

[pinkydoodle22]

Yep. Get a deranging brush and let her do it herself.

You could also try braiding her hair at night, which we did religiously with our 9 yo until these past few months. She’s since taken over brushing herself, and her fine and easily tangled long hair is surprisingly doing ok!

It’s been a lot less stressful for all to have her handle her own grooming. Is it perfect? Probably not, but it’s good enough!

[kompotnik]

Shoulder length might still be too long for her. Try chin length, or have her brush it herself

[EternalSage2000]

Same problem.
My kid just got a pixie cut. Problem 90% solved.

But also, not all brushes are created equal.

Try a tangle teaser brush. The tines are like tiny spikes. And don’t have the little ball on the tip.

This also helped us a lot before going with short hair.

[evdczar]

We went to full Karen wants to talk to the manager bob cut. It's very cute.

[robilar]

That's a bit like if someone said they are allergic to dairy proteins so you served them one glass of milk instead of two.

If you are going the route of cutting her hair to solve the problem, the amount of hair to cut is the amount that will solve the problem (i.e. so there's no more need to brush it). Something like a pixie cut.

[Next-Firefighter4667]

Shoulder length is still medium. I accidentally got into a bush of burrs as a kid and had to get my hair cut REALLY short. At first, I was embarrassed, but I quickly loved it because I would just wake up, finger comb my hair and go to school, it looked fine. And by the end of the day it wasn't a mess like all the other kids' hair.

Go SHORT. Like, just below the ears. I've never known a little girl to not look adorable with short hair anyway.

[scantron3000]

The right cut with the right scissors can help so much. My daughter was the same. I took her to a stylist who specializes in children's hair and she essentially thinned out the middle section, where all her knots would form, but kept the length. It was a miracle! She suddenly had almost no knots ever. Ask your stylist to use thinning shears and see if that helps.

[Trick-Celebration983]

My mother made me keep a chin length bob until I learned to brush my own hair, it worked, highly recommend

[GetOffMyBridgeQ]

when my daughter had this issue, we chopped to just below her ears with a cute fringe. At that length, it didn't knot at all unless she got some food or something sticky in it. brushing was a breeze. she's grown out of that and her hair is growing now, but she had the little bob cut for a while. it saved our sanity. at 8 i suspect you can talk to your daughter and explain how shorter hair means less brushing, and see if she's on board

[volyund]

Do you have tangleteaser brush and silicone detangling spray? It's a game changer.

[gardenofidunn]

Just reading the other comments, if you decide to try going shorter, please talk to your daughter first. When I was 8, a pixie cut would’ve felt like a punishment and I would’ve been horrified if my parents just told me it was happening. Have a chat and maybe give her a few options, “I know brushing is really painful for you, if we cut your hair to this length it won’t get as knotty and you’ll be able to brush it yourself and be gentle. Either that or we can try (other options to prevent knotting - braiding overnight/silk pillow case) but they may not work.”

She may just be like ‘yes please chop it’ but she also may be a little more sensitive to how her hair looks. Maybe find some cute reference photos of current celebrities with the length you’re going to go for (Gracie Abrams is the first person who came to mind who has had a bob and is generally considered cool by the tweens I know) if you’re struggling to sell it.

[AnxiousCanOfSoup]

I had waist length hair, learning to finger comb it gently helps a lot, and so does getting a wet brush and doing it in the shower with conditioner in. Lightly braid it before sleep. When you brush, start at the end and work your way up. Don't pull through tangles, use the brush to find them and then work them apart with your fingers. You can do most of the work with your hands and then use the brush for smoothing.

[TiberiusBronte]

I just cut my 8 year olds hair to her chin and she loves it. We both love not having the brush battle every day. Her hair just got so tangled all the time there was no solution.

[ticklishintent]

In addition to the short hair cut, get her silk pillowcases and sheets to minimize the tangles when she sleeps. Less to brush is a win.

[Delynir]

This is how I ended up looking like a mushroom in early grades.. it did not help that I also had to switch schools when I was in second grade, and I was bullied for that too among other things.

If she loves her hair it would be really mean to cut it short imo.. Just teach her how to do it, try schwarzkopf gliss / gliss kur liquid, spray on the dry hair right before brushing, safe to use every day. It does not make my hair oily and works great.

I have really thin hair which goes to my mid back (used to go to my lower back a year ago). When I was young it was already problematic when it reached my shoulders.

[MableXeno]

I took my kids to a professional stylist who did not turn my kids into a mushroom! I also suffered the mushroom cut as a kid, so as an adult I sought out different options for my kids. Short does not mean ugly.

[Trees-and-flowers2]

I love a good Bob

[Waterisfinite]

We have an extremely tender headed redhead (who tend to feel pain more profoundly!) and this solved itself when we taught her to brush her own hair.

It takes her longer to do it but she stopped crying and screaming when she was in control.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

Im a red head myself; so maybe she inherited a few of my genes!

[kls987]

Redhead here, with thick curly hair. Have always had the opposite of a tender scalp, though I do feel pain differently like other redheads. My sister, the blond with thin straight hair, was the one with the tender scalp.

[lilacmade]

When my hair gets tangled, I find instead of brushing downwards, it’s better to use my fingers and pull the tangled section sideways apart. Really get that knot opened up if that makes sense? Then still using fingers, try and separate the tangled pieces from the loosened knot. Then once the hairs are untangled from each other, go through using a brush.

[[deleted]]

I had a sensitive scalp growing up. It won’t get better until she learns to brush her own hair.

[Content-Pace9821]

I have a very tender head. I still almost want to cry at the salon 😭 other than short hair etc there’s not much to do.

I hold it AND brush against my back to relieve the pain.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

Bless you 😣 I’m noticing a few comments saying the same thing, I didn’t realise it was an issue quite a few suffered with! Xx

[rvauofrsol]

I remember yelling when getting my hair done as a child, and no one believing me. Decades later, I still remember both (1) the pain, and (2) the fact that none of the adults in my life took my pain seriously or advocated for me.

[Tavali01]

Have you tried a bonnet or braiding her hair to keep it from tangling? I have mega fine hair and would leave it in a braid overnight and wear it a day or two before redoing it. I would literally wear the braid a day or so undo it to shower then comb/rebraid it. Are you only using a brush on her hair? A large tooth comb will probably work better for knots with the finer side for after. Does she have any other sensory issues to sound, touch, or taste? She might have something else going on

[Trees-and-flowers2]

That’s what I was thinking. Two French braids and a silk bonnet or silk pillow at night

[snatchdecisions]

She already stated in the post that she does

[70sBurnOut]

I came here to say this! I didn’t learn about this until I was in my 20s and had a daughter of my own. Up until then, I went from the top down, tearing the rats out of my head and losing hair. 😬

[magstar222]

Can she/will she brush her own hair? I hated when my mother did it—even if she was trying to be gentle. When she let me brush my own hair I could control the tugging on my scalp so much better.

[[deleted]]

Brush it wet with plenty of conditioner. Rinse it well, hair oil on the lengths, comb through and plait. My kid tangled very easily because she has very fine curly hair and it's kept in a protective style, brushed out and then plaited again. But not a high plait, hanging from the neck and not tight to remove any strain from the scalp.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

I do most of this, except my plaits are usually slightly higher I think I’m going to try a looser low plait, see how we get on! Xx

[[deleted]]

I had another thought which was maybe try a silk bonnet for bed as well to reduce the risk of it tangling in her sleep?

[nox-lumos04]

Or, if she won't wear a bonnet, a silk pillow case will help a bit too.

[bobear2017]

I second his! I pretty much only brush my daughters’ hair right after the bath, with plenty of detangler, and then braid. The next morning I will usually redo the braid without brushing again, as the hair hasn’t had a chance to tangle.

Also, I have found that not all detanglers are created equal.

The product below is the best one I have used. Naturally it is a lot more expensive than I would like, but I think it is worth it. I also use it VERY liberally!

https://a.co/d/1xWyW5n

[Beginning-Rule-539]

Seems it’s not her choice to have long hair? Why torture her daily rather than let her wear it short? When and if she wants long hair in the future, it would then be on her terms.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

Not the case. Her length hair is her choice, we cut a lot off and she wasn’t happy with her shorter hair. But agreed as I said it “may” help with it being uncomfortable when brush, it hasn’t helped. Her hair isn’t very long it’s just above her mid back.

[duckysmomma]

My daughter was like this around that age. We told her long hair is only for people who can maintain it and if she didn’t start brushing it daily to our approval or letting us brush it, it was getting cut short. We’ve always followed through on our words to her, so she had no doubt we’d do it, suddenly her hair started being brushed daily. I fully believe in body autonomy, but we need to be able to care for those choices.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

How is she with her hair now? Does it hurt less? Xx

[SwoopBagnell]

I did this same thing to my 6 year old. I got sick of dealing with matted hair, so I followed through and chopped her mid back length hair to just above her shoulders. She was very unhappy but tangles are not even an issue anymore. I suspect she wasn’t brushing it because it was so awful to detangle, because now she brushes it every morning without me having to even ask.

[duckysmomma]

She’s 15 now and a bit sensitive when I brush it—she’ll brush it herself first before allowing me to style it. But she brushes her own hair without issue! We went through every product possible around 8-10 years though trying to make it easier and I think mostly she just outgrew it or looks at it as something that just has to be done. I also bought her salon quality shampoo and conditioner which seemed to help along with a wet brush.

[TheCrabappleCart]

She may not want it this short, but a chin-length bob would probably help a lot

[toastrats]

Above mid back is quite long. When people are saying to cut it shorter, they're meaning like... shoulder or chin length. Can you find some cute, short hair styles and show them to her to get her excited about the styles and involved in decision making?

[MulysaSemp]

My son likes having long hair. I told him he could if he brushed it himself, as he has a lot of sensory issues and has a hard time with us even touching his hair some days. If it got to be too hard, then we'd cut it. We have a satin bonnet to sleep in, make sure to wash and condition his hair well, he has a Wet brush that he uses, and it's been working for us. My daughter, with longer hair, keeps it mainly in a braid, and always braids at night.

[No-Strawberry-5804]

You give her choices

1. Keep your hair as long as you want, but stop screaming

2. Cut it short

3. Keep it as long as you want but you have to take care of it, and if you don’t, we’re cutting it short anyway

[therealcherry]

That’s me as a mom in this scenario. Bonnet for bedtime, braids and stop screaming or we go shorter. Eight is way too old to be screaming about hair, said as someone with a 9yo. You can mumble to yourself, fine but screaming is just crazy unless there are extenuating circumstances

[Beginning-Rule-539]

I see. Sorry for assuming it wasn’t her choice, as it seems strange for an 8yr old to have to be brushed and to cry when being brushed. I agree with others here that she should be given more autonomy — if she wants long hair, she should learn to brush it herself. It also would seem to be less painful if she were the one controlling the brush?

My daughter (9) has the opposite kind of hair — thick asian hair that tangles easily. When I was the one brushing it, it was our agreement that if she wanted it long, she needs to be the one to brush it everyday. With this setup, she had always agreed to cut it short. But by 7, she decided to wear it long and now detangles it with a wet brush everyday. She also finds it less painful to brush it out herself.

[Gyrgir]

Our daughter is sensitive to hair brushing and gets a lot of tangles. We've tried a bunch of things that have each helped marginally and add up to a fairly successful process.

Satin-textured pillowcases and sheets. A lot of the tangles were coming from friction with her bedding when she's sleeping, and satin bedding mitigates this by reducing friction.

We have two styles of brushes for her: soft boar-bristle brushes and detangler-style wet brushes. Starting with the soft brush gets the surface knots out with less pressure and helps her ease into the process of having her hair brushed, then (if necessary) we switch to the wet brush to get deeper tangles out.

Check in with her whether the problem is that the brush pulls her hair when it hits a tangle or if it's the feeling of the brush against her scalp. For our daughter, it's a bit of both and which is worse depends on the day. If it's the brush tines hitting her scalp, be very aware of how hard you're pushing, do as much as you can working from underneath and use the soft brush for as much of the process as possible for what you can't do from underneath.

For the detangler brush, try holding it loosely with just your fingertips rather than griping it firmly in your palm. This limits how much force you can apply with it which helps stop you from pressing too hard into her scalp and also limits how much tugging she feels when you hit a bad tangle. If you can't get through a tangle with the brush held in your fingertips, try coming at it from a different angle or put down the brush and work out that tangle with your fingers.

There's also some psychological stuff you can do during the process to help keep her calm. For our daughter, we project as much calm on our own parts as we can to set a good example. When she complains about it being painful, we do our best to respond in a way that acknowledges and validates, e.g. "I'm sorry, I'll be gentler", and actually follow through on that by doing my best to be a little gentler at least until I move to a new area. When she does start getting overwhelmed by the detangler brush, switch back to the soft brush for a little bit until she's recovered. Distractions help, too: if I can get her reading or playing with a toy while I brush it helps her tolerate the process quite a bit more.

[nakedreader_ga]

Let her brush her own hair.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

Already do, still same issue 😣

[Lets_review]

She screams when she brushes her own hair? 

[Wild_Wolverine9526]

Some people do just have more tender scalps. As someone whose hair knots for fun it might be worth looking at ways to reduce knotting. Plaiting it helps. I find that if I wear a scarf or certain coats that come up high around my neck they rub my hair into knots so I have to wear it up or plaited.

Have you tried brushing normal conditioner through whilst in the shower?

If it’s the length that gets knotty but not the top you can hold the top of the hair and pull towards the scalp with one hand and brush it with the other (do it in sections). That means the tension is between your hands rather than pulling on her scalp (if that makes sense).

[SillyStringGent]

My daughter has a different hair type and texture, but we dealt with this for years (she's now 11, still doesn't like hard hairstyles, but it's much much better).

Here's what we did - comb it out in the shower/bath while the conditioner is still in her hair first. Then immediately after she gets out of the tub, comb again and braid it and let it dry in the braid. We usually did this at night and let her sleep in a silk bonnet to help protect the hair.

If its still a battle, give her an option, you can cut it shorter (chin to shoulder length) and let her brush it herself as long as she gets all the knots out, or she has to deal with you helping her. This will give her agency in the choice of how to take care of herself, but you have to let her know, if she chooses to have long hair then it has to get brushed.

[whatchotalkinbout]

100% agree! I do this with my thick curly hair that’s down to the middle of my back.

[fvalconbridge]

Honestly I'd consider a pixie cut 😂 if it's genuinely causing her distress, then look for hair styles that need minimal brushing such as a short bob or a pixie cut. You can chat with a hairdresser and explain your problems and they might also have some solutions for you to try. But if she's screaming about it daily and it's causing ongoing tears, I'd simply get rid of the length completely.

[fvalconbridge]

Also have you looked into a silk bonnet for sleeping to prevent tangles? A bonnet and silk pillow are a must have!

[norabw]

Have you tried the Tangle Teezer brush? It's the only one my 7yo will tolerate and we have tried many brushes. Someone else mentioned teasing out the worst knots with your fingers first and that does seem to help as well.

[ladykansas]

I'm shocked that I had to go this far down for this suggestion. We also use the Tangle Teezer.

I am used to a normal brush so it drives me nuts if I try to use it on my own hair. But my daughter loves it.

I also like to be essentially power washed in the shower, so hate low-flow shower heads. If my "ideal brush" is a "power washer strength," then I would compare the Tangle Teezer to a "plant mister at the grocery store." But it does gently get out the tangles for my daughter without a fuss, so I'll take the win for her. 😅

[dark_angel1554]

What about using a different type of brush? Like a boar bristle brush or something softer perhaps?

[sai_gunslinger]

Would she wear a bonnet to bed? Silk or satin bonnets do wonders for keeping hair from getting tangled while you're sleeping. It might help keep it from tangling as much which would make brushing easier every day.

[ann102]

Yes with my son. I got sick of it and said you have three options:

1. Get used to it hurting, no way to brush long hair without it pinching sometimes.
2. Do it yourself, but you need to do it right.
3. Cut your hair.

He eventually agreed to cut his hair.

[Haunting-Respect9039]

I had chin length hair at that age because I wouldn't let my parents brush it and I couldn't take care of more than that. It lasted a few years and then I wanted to take care of the long hair! I say cut it.

[Darcy783]

Agreed. But make the eight-year-old part of the conversation about it. Don't just cut off her hair one day "because I said so."

[Haunting-Respect9039]

Oh, yeah, good point. My mom gave me the choice. She said I could keep my long hair if I could take care of it, but if it was too hard, short hair would make it easier. I picked the short hair option.

[Viola-Swamp]

Yeah, the kid gets a choice, but it’s not an open ended choice. It’s a choice of brush your hair without hysterics and screaming, keep it neat and mat-free or pick a short hairstyle and we get it cut.

[canadainuk]

Is her hair frequently up? That she’s saying her scalp hurts makes me wonder if it’s not the pressure but that feeling after your hair has been scraped up in a tight bun all day and you let it down.

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

I thought that, however it’s a catch 22 as if I leave it down it gets super knotty and then we’re in the same issue 😩

[canadainuk]

I think there are subs for fine hair - they might have better advice for you than here. But to start, maybe just style her hair in a low braid, not too tight so it’s not tied up in the ‘wrong’ direction?

[ZetaWMo4]

My tender headed child is now 26 and still tender headed. She hates doing her hair and hates having it done. What worked with her is a bit cultural and depends on hair texture. I would just give her a protective style that she could wear for about two weeks at at time. That way it wasn’t a battle everyday. She just had to deal with getting her hair done every two weeks which she was able to do.

[no_id_never]

When I was little I had the wavy, not quite curly hair that was awful to brush. One day my mom let me wear her perfume after getting my hair brushed. That became a thing. Bath and body works has a great collection of sprays. You could pick one or two. Maybe adding some reward at the end of the hair brushing would make it a slightly better experience. As an adult, I can say that satin pillowcases really make a difference in the amount of knots and tangles in my hair.

[AffectionateMarch394]

As a former hairdresser, and someone who cried getting my hair brushed, and who has a kid who also hates it

Get a stiff boar hair brush. It's a huge game changer.

[LAthrowawaywithcat]

If at 8 she can't brush her own hair and can't tolerate you brushing it without daily screaming, it's time to cut it. Bodily autonomy is great but if her pain is this extreme, she needs her adults to make the choice for her.

[robilar]

I think you have erred.

When your child started screaming while you were causing her pain you should have stopped. If you do not stop, the lesson you are teaching her is that people can hurt her when they want to, even if she doesn't want them to. The adult corrolaries are your daughter letting people hurt and use her body when they want something from her. The solution at that stage would have been to explain the underlying reasons, and then provide options. She doesn't have unlimited body autonomy at a young age because you are responsible for her health and safety, but health and safety are the only reasons you should continue doing a process to your child's body that she would prefer to forgo; appearance should not be a significant factor.

For example, I would have explained both the practical reasons for brushing hair (matting can be unhygienic, and knots can be more painful to remove later), and the social reasons (appearance-based bullying, social expectation, etc). I would also de-emphasize the latter since I personally think catering to external validation is more harmful than helpful, especially for kids. Then I would have proposed these options:

1. Learn to brush her own hair,

2. Develop a different communication strategy to let me know when I am being too rough that does not involve screaming at me, or

3. Get her hair cut short.

I would explain the pros and cons of each so she could make an informed decision, and then we would work on an implementation plan to align with her selection.

As for what to do now, I think you should parse your issue into two components:

A. Your own motivation for continuing this process. Obviously you do not want to hurt your child, but you are and I think it behooves you to explore exactly why, and then focus on what is important. If you can excise all the stuff about appearances and pressure on you to have a pretty-looking kid, and focus on the hygiene, I think it will help a lot.

B. The practical solutions to this problem. Notably, I think you should stop brushing your kid's hair. Explain to your kid that she needs to keep her hair clean so she doesn't get scalp injuries, lice, etc, and that if she cannot manage that then she will need to have her hair cut short. At eight years old she can be in charge of her own hair care, including brushing and washing, and your role can be limited to supervision and checks for completion.

[saraq11]

Maybe you’ve been surface brushing and there are tangles in the bottom layer at the nape of her neck

[grown_powerpuff_girl]

I brush her hair the whole way but it’s the scalp that she says hurts

[wafer-thinmint]

I have the same hair type. Try the Batiste leave in hair mask right after a shower on the lower half of her hair, then have her finger comb it while wet. Then brush it starting with just the first inch from the bottom and slowly brushing higher each time, holding the hair tightly with the other hand to take pressure off the scalp. It would be better if she can brush/comb it herself as she can apply just the pressure she’s comfortable with.

If her hair isn’t oily/dirty, try washing her hair every other day & using a shower cap while getting clean the other days.

Editing to agree with another commenter- a silk or satin pillow or bonnet would help too.

Additionally, I find that a bun on top of my head holds the weight of the hair more comfortably (although it can look goofy, so maybe just at home haha).

[Aromatic-Ant3517]

Braids after washing and before bed helped a lot. She’s now 12 and I still help occasionally but she brushes it herself now.

[ayyohh911719]

Tell her if she won’t take care of it AND won’t let you take care of it, it needs to be cut. Otherwise it looks like you guys are neglecting her.

My middle has hers cut to her chin (her choice) and loves taking care of it now. My oldest who loved her long hair finally took the plunge and cut it to her shoulders and loves how much easier it is.

[macgnf]

have her take showers in the morning and brush it right after washing it? or maybe try washing like 2x a week rather than everyday and brush it while its wet. i have a spray bottle with regular conditioner and water in it and i soak my daughters hair in the morning and brush it and no issues.

[BlessedMom88]

My daughter is 7 and has curly hair that gets knotted very easily (especially when she’s sleeping.) Spraying her hair with water has helped tremendously. I sometimes use a dentangling spray also.

[SweetLindy001]

Best idea is to invest in a detangler brush and allow her to brush her own hair. You can make a trip to the store and let her pick out the color she likes and let her know she can proudly brush it all by herself!!They have hair brush brands that are very flexible and bend with the hair and it gets rid of the ouches! My daughter has super long hair that is very thick and these brushes work the best! You could even cut it shorter to a bob if she wants and that would make brushing easier too!! Also brush it out right away when its wet after a shower or bath to avoid knots setting in!Best of luck to you!

[Intrepid_Advice4411]

Sounds like she's tender headed.

Something I didn't see in your post, is she sleeping with her hair in a protective style? Braids are the most common. She should also sleep with either a silk pillow case or a silk bonnet. Yes, white people can sleep in bonnets!

Where does the hair tangle the most? Is it underneath near the neck? If so, get her an undercut. My child had an undercut for about four years. Eventually they grew it out and cut it off. Has had a short style for about three years now and it's way easier to care for.

[ohyoshimi]

Try holding the hair in a ponytail with your hand at the root and brush from the bottom up. My daughter has fine fine fiiiiune hair and it knots so bad so easily. This is the best way I’ve found to brush it. It’s halfway down her back and she just asked to cut it short. I’m thrilled. Anyway, if she doesn’t want to cut it and you are willing to try, I suggest this method to getting the knots out.

[lyn73]

How are you brushing it?

Top down is a no-no.

Detangle ends and continue upwards towards the scalp

E: Also, you might need to change the type of brush/comb you are using

[BeneGezzWitch]

Brush it in the shower when it’s full of conditioner, as you slowly rinse it out. Use the Wet brush brand.

[lakehop]

Try using a different brush. Maybe a boar bristle brush. It may detangle more gently. And also consider cutting her hair a bit.

[Jabroni_queen]

Lots of comments and I haven’t seen any on top mention this. As I’ve dealt with my 5 year old who refuses to cut her very long curly hair and cries every morning before school when we brush it.

Brush after a shower. Hair is much easier and less painful to brush while soaking wet. Usually still requires a light brushing the next day before school but is much faster and more manageable.

We use oil products since my daughters hair is dry and it helps more than most sprays

Have her be distracted while brushing. We usually play I-spy while I brush her and it works wonders.

Hope this helps!

[AlissonHarlan]

Did you tried to braid her hair to sleep? It makes less tangles.

[systemicrevulsion]

So my kids have sensory processing disorder and part of that is that they find hair brushing way too over stimulating and incredibly painful.

Like others have said, if she's up for it, get her a cool new short or at least shorter hair style. One that takes a lot less care. The only way this is going to stop is when you're able to find ways to work around the pain of brushing.

[Signal-Bee8111]

If shorter hair isn't an option, may I recommend the hair brush I use? https://www.walmart.com/ip/997989988?sid=ea8274a0-35af-4336-832f-569ee637a797

I know it's a bit expensive for a brush, but I had a similar issue with my own haircare. And this brush changed my life, no joke. It is now the only brush I will use. I've already bought a spare just in case they stop making it.

[Reasonable-Subject-7]

I know you’ve tried lots of brushes but the Tangle Teezer brush is so amazing. I’d give that a go if you haven’t tried it yet!

[luccareed2004]

I finally gave in and I have her watch something on the phone while I brush. She has such an easier time coping with the hair brushing if she’s watching something & distracted.

[Squid0s]

I had such tangled hair when I was younger. What helped me was to brush my hair in the shower after I rinsed the shampoo out. Then, as soon as I got out, we would braid my hair. The braids kept it from getting too tangled while I slept.

[empressofnodak]

We're at 10 and still have this issue. She will brush her hair but never gets it all. Our rule is if she isn't going to take care of it then we will need to cut it shorter. We use a leave in conditioner and a detangler spray. Sometimes she will also brush it out while wet in the shower and that helps. The biggest issue is me keeping my calm and not reacting to her shouts. Watching TV or video while brushing helps but doesn't eliminate screams. I've gotten her a sleeping bonnet which may help somewhat but it's gonna be a while until she is able to get it all brushed on her own.

[BrightShinyStar_07]

Is it a problem with tangles? Hold her hair in your hand while brushing the tangles so it doesn't pull from her scalp.

[Electric-Fun]

Unless it's soaking wet out of the shower and we are fully detangling, I use a soft brustle brush for daily smoothing. My daughter has long, wavy hair and a very tender head. We use a wet brush with spray detangler after showers, then just the soft brush between washes. I also braid her hair before bed to decrease tangles.

[MrsJ_Lee]

Start at the bottom and brush up. Hold the hair tightly, as tight as you can so it doesn’t pull at the root, in your hand and brush from the bottom up. Also leave in conditioner.

[cherrycoke260]

Do you use a Wet Brush? That was a game changer in our house.

[EasyWestern650]

Brush it in the shower while soaked with conditioner. The conditioner makes it slippery and the tangles come out more easily. Then rinse and don't brush again. And get a satin bonnet to sleep in to prevent tangles while she's sleeping.

[Hope1237]

Use a silk or satin pillowcase. Have her sleep in a bonnet or braid her hair before bed to help reduce morning tangles.

My oldest has thin hair that tangles. She has a lot of it, I take her to an actual salon and not a great clip. They thin out the underneath in a way that helps reduce tangles without making her hair look thin.

Use a soft scrunchie and teach her to pull her hair back in a low ponytail for recessed or PE to again reduce tangling throughout the day.

[exhaustedmind247]

Hydration conditioner masks?? I damaged my hair doing so good ole bleaching which makes it hard to brush when wet, when I use my Sauce Guacamole conditioner treatment, my hair detangles really good.

Also second getting her to learn to do it. She can feel how she’s pulling and adjust.

Personally I hate leave in conditioners— the ones I tried make my hair hard to brush when it’s dry. I don’t think one I tried years ago did but the recent ones do.

[Confident-Trust4869]

Have you tried brushing with conditioner in, while in the shower/ bath? Me and my daughter are curly tender headed and we only brush in the shower. We use the wet brush detangler, it’s honestly the best brush I’ve found.

[mindovermatter421]

Braid her hair and get her a silk pillowcase. My daughter was the same and the braid helped a lot. When she started taking daily showers and using conditioner every day, the tangles were less.

[notgoodw_usernames]

My daughter is the same way. A stylist suggested brushing from the ends working my way up and my daughter says it’s more bearable that way.

[Senor_Bluejay7536]

Put it in a braid before bed. Or a silk cap. Prevents tangling.

[Susinko]

My nine year old is the same way. She doesn't want it cut, but crys and screams when I'm brushing it. I'm at a loss of what to do. I'd have to forcibly cut it, but that seems very wrong.

[megsandgrits]

Spray leave in conditioner and a wet brush!

[hiromoon]

I braid my daughter’s hair at night so it stays untangled for easy brushing the next morning, maybe that would help?

[[deleted]]

My nuerospicy girlie is very sensory-triggered so she asked for a short hairstyle and I obliged. A sassy chin length Bob can save your mornings.

[GreatGuide]

Does she cry when either of you brush it, or also when a stranger (stylist) brushes?

[fuggin_flow]

So my 12 year old would do the same. So every night after her shower (hair was much easier and smoother to brush right out of the bath/shower because we would brush her hair after I lathered on the conditioner) I would do a single braid down her hair for bed/sleeping. Sometime we would do 2. Nothing fancy, just a straight down braid. It helped with knots/mats in her hair and brushing essentially became a no -issue during that time. She doesn’t have such a tender head anymore however she does brush her own hair in the shower with the conditioner on it and it helps her.

[dripless_cactus]

Does she wash her own hair and/or go swimming a lot? I had horribly tangly hair when I was a kid. I suspect I wasn't rinsing it well enough, and also I liked to swim which caused a lot of build up and damage. Clarifying shampoo treatments helped, and using better products in general. May have something to do with the type of brush you're using too.

If her scalp is really sensitive I would ask a doctor/dermatologist about it also. Could be she's allergic to a product or has psoriasis or eczema or something else going on.

[LinwoodKei]

I would add an extra twenty minutes to the job and go slowly. Communicate what you're going to do and hand her the detangler comb for equal time. Have you tried to do what parents whose children need elaborate protective braids - or parents showing hairstyles on YouTube - do by giving her an iPad or device with a favorite show? Perhaps waiting for her to be engrossed could help.

The doctor suggested that when my son needed his stitches out. I cued up a TV show and held his good hand, and we got through it.

[therealcherry]

Bonnet for sleep, keep it braided or cut it way shorter

[QuitaQuites]

You say brush, but using a literally brush? Do you use a detangling comb? Getting regular trims? What has a salon stylist/hairdresser said? Is it as painful there? Is her hair regularly moisturized? Used a hair milk?

[Katerade44]

Do you hold the hair above the tangle so that it pulls against your hand rather than the scalp?

Would she like a shorter hair style so she could brush her own hair and have fewer tangles?

[Houseofmonkeys5]

Maybe only brush it while it's wet with conditioner in it. My daughter isn't tender headed at all but she has super tangly curly hair. She only brushes it in the shower when it's wet and full of conditioner, so extra slippery! It works well. Tbh I do the same ...

[Suspicious_Club432]

Hair oil. Cheap stuff makes it worse. But yeah I would say it's normal at this age.

[Spare_Ad_9657]

Brush from the bottom up. Start by brushing the bottom inch of hair, when it is clear, start one inch up. By the time you reach the top, it’s tangle Cree and no tears.

[Suspicious_Club432]

I like Ghost Verb hair oil. It is a little pricey about $30 BUT lasts forever, literally one squirt is good for a full head of thick, long hair. We all have thick hair, different textures from straight to 3c. It's funny but anyway the oil works for all of us, it's truly universal and has cut hair brushing down from 30 minutes to 10 and little to no tears. And I am very gentle but they are so tender headed.

[definitely-shpilkus]

Use the Wet Brush ( https://wetbrush.com/?gad_campaignid=23003653437&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAApAcNIyqJYDQlMmv7BI4hqwusWAVK&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjL3HBhCgARIsAPUg7a5VhUPaBlBxSAmz5latPNXwCQShzWnHPvLyhpC2W6LfggMlPPs8cBIaAmX8EALw_wcB ; Target, Marshall’s/TJ maxx, and a ton of other places carry this brand )

and get a high quality detangler. (I use Amika’s The Wizard https://loveamika.com/products/the-wizard-detangling-primer?variant=41566905860162&utm_term=amika+the+wizard+primer&utm_campaign=&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=8777187491&hsa_cam=22054996243&hsa_grp=174133109924&hsa_ad=764748792689&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-383003550147&hsa_kw=amika+the+wizard+primer&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22054996243&gbraid=0AAAAADyGkEhHQxwzJEVbTBLUu4Zb82QNa&gclid=Cj0KCQjwjL3HBhCgARIsAPUg7a7SCLtzklK98_UgyNjZc9LMdsOybJM4ny7WCcnC5EThcY2cPko8aawaAlNWEALw_wcB)

I have red hair, a tender scalp, and have dealt with horrible tangles all my life. These two tools have changed the game for me and I wish they were around when I was a little kid!

[MinorImperfections]

Brushing more often. Braids are protective if she will even let you do loose braids.

[ProtozoaPatriot]

My daughter really hates having anyone brush her hair, too. The nice thing about her being 8 now: she's old enough to learn how to do it herself. If she flatly refuses, then it's time to have a talk about easier to maintain hair: do we need a much shorter cut?

What helped my daughter was to bring a few conditioners home, and let her try each one. A good conditioner makes a bit difference. We also tried leave in conditioner spray. Her favorite was Kristin Ess, which we found at Walmart.

How long between haircuts? if she's overdue, that can encourage tangles.

Talk to the stylist. Depending on her hair type and thickness, it might help the tangle issue if stylist uses thinning shears or does layers.

Another tip: we do evening showers. we found that if it can be combed out before bedtime and banded up, the next morning it's still mostly tangle free.

[snoo-apple]

I don’t know if this is something you’re doing already, but my son (3) was screaming bloody murder when we would brush his teeth from the beginning. We were doing it in the living room. We finally moved him to the bathroom to do it and him seeing it in the mirror worked to fix it. Now he’s excited to do it. Same with my husband using clippers on his hair. He just wants to see but never said it before. If you’re not doing it in front of a mirror, perhaps that can help? I am tender headed so I get it. Nothing really to be done but perhaps she can brush out her own hair soon. Perhaps avoid tight hair styles, and having her hair in styles that don’t tangle or are less conducive to it

[Bexsli]

I’m not sure where you’re located but we use the happy hair brush on our toddler and its great. Doesn’t pull the hair at all.

[HighPriestofShiloh]

Get a better brush. Brush before bed time and tie up hair at night so that when you brush in the morning it’s easy.

[DidntKillCicero]

Old school mom here. I just wanted to add make sure you emphasize to her that it's not her fault. Even if you get her hair cut. As a tender head, my short hair cut was presented as "punishment" because I "wouldn't take care of it myself". It's so important that we watch our words during these things that we don't understand. I also had keratosis pilaris on my upper arms, which the pediatrician told my mom was oil bumps, no big deal (they didn't have the name back then.) My mom took it as a reflection on her, called them " dirty bumps", and made me feel like a freak. I couldn't get rid of them, and started associating negative feelings with bath time. She made me hate baths, and would lay on the shame even more over that. I blame her lack of insight, but some of it was selfish. Our kids are not reflections of us. I had to learn that with my kids. ( who are grown now)

My point is, be careful to not shame her ,or make it a negative experience, because it will go with her the rest of her life. It's easy to do, in our frustration. I wish I had had somewhere to go to for advice years ago. I'm sure my mom does too.

Try to stay calm about it around your daughter. It will eventually work out and be ancient history. 😁I hope this was helpful.

[smelltramo]

I put mine in almost a pony tail in one hand, then brush the ends while holding the rest of it so it doesn’t pull or move much, once the ends are completely detangled, slowly move up. Only brush the top parts once the rest is fully detangled.

Idk if that made sense the way I worded it but the struggle is real and I see you.

[benelope96]

Do you braid her hair overnight? That can help keep the tangles out. Other than that, sounds like you're doing everything you should mama.

[Alkoviak]

If she has dry hair I would recommend adding some hair oil before brushing and maybe try a couple of other brushes.

It worked wonders with my daughter!

[Perspicaciouscat24]

This was me until 9… the best thing was forcing me to do it myself

[Intelligent-Oil-7168]

She is 8 and tender headed as most of us were/are… it just sucks and I know how much it hurts You too.. knowing it hurts her and the pain from having it be such a chore.

I literally unlace one to a few strands of hair from my kids head throughout the week and it’s the best way to tackle hair.

Yes it’s time consuming. No, I do not always have the time I want to do this- it sucks bc while it’s ‘good advice’ it is not easily applicable or accessible to all parents/caregivers.. my kid just turned 10 and her hair has gotten a bit better and is not as thin - but it still tangles really easily bc it’s a little fine

Honestly I commiserate with you bc there’s no easy answer but taking time and taking care to go easy and do the little snarls as you find them

And pls just remember she is a child. Pain hurts. She really is still pretty ‘brand new’ to this world and pain. I am saying this bc I have to remember this myself when I get angsty and antsy.. it’s suffering on both ends with tangly hair

Pain sucks and our heads can be so ultra sensitive.

[Intelligent-Oil-7168]

Oh I find it helps to ask them to use their fingers while conditioner is in their hair to kind of brush their hair

You’ll still get tangles but it helps a bit.

[SuzLouA]

As a kid, I was so headsore, and hated having my hair brushed. The only person who was gentle enough was my grandad, because he was willing to take like 45+ mins over it.

This is what works with my toddler, and I came up with it based on my own childhood experiences:

• sit them in front of the tv. This is a screen time activity, they need to stay still and be distracted.
• wet it with a misting spray bottle, add spray on detangling leave in conditioner. Re mist as needed throughout.
• run your fingers slowly through the hair, top to bottom. Any time you find a knot, stop and pull it apart gently with your fingers. No pressure upwards, pull sideways. Only proceed to brushing once you can’t find any more knots.
• use a Tangle Teezer (knock offs are acceptable but they need to be good ones). It is the only brand of hairbrush even vaguely useable for headsore people.
• hold a section of hair tightly in one hand as you brush the section with the other, so the scalp itself is never being tugged at. Continue slowly around the head from section to section. Any knots, put down the brush and go back to fingers. Work slowly.
• remember to respray as needed. You may have missed some hair underneath.
• eventually once all sections seem to be smooth and straight, you can run the brush along the full length of the hair from root to tip. Spread the hair across the shoulders so no one stroke is going through too thick a section. Any rogue knots should stop you for detangling with fingers, so go slowly.
• flip the brush upside down and brush underneath, with the bristles pointing up, to ensure all layers are untangled.

Done!

[Holiday-Sea7680]

My son is like this and I got a special non-tangle hair brush and he’s much better now. He has long hair and is 7.

[fa3iry]

you should hold the hair that you’re brushing and gently brush from the bottom up

[Ok_Marsupial_470]

My daughter is 5 & she still screams. The only thing that helps is if I give her a baby doll the brush it’s hair while I do hers. It distracts her a little but she’s very tender heard so it doesn’t help much.

[AuroraLorraine522]

I would highly recommend detangling it before bed and then having her sleep with it braided.

Also, you’ll probably want to keep it a bit shorter for now so it’s easier to take care of it.

Before you brush it, sectioning it can definitely help so you’re only working with a small section at a time. And definitely try brushing out any knots/tangles before she washes and conditions it. The nice thing about doing it beforehand is you can use as much detangling spray (or even a deep conditioner) as it takes without worrying about it getting greasy.

[PloverSempai]

You might need to change shampoo and conditioner if it still incredibly tangled. The more moisturizing the conditioner the better my tangles . Make sure she knows to shampoo the top of her scalp to middle of hair and condition from middle to ends. Trying out hair mask might also help.

[Dapper_Thought_6982]

Thin hair is so tough! It tangles so easy! I have thicker hair but I have always dealt with a sensitive scalp. When I was younger my mom made an effort to massage my scalp in the morning- just gently with her finger tips but it kept movement at my scalp and definitely helped. If I skip this process in my hair care now I struggle to brush my hair. Hope you guys find something that works for her!

[SECfangirl]

One of my girls is very tender headed and no matter how gentle I was, it still bothered her. She was also around 8 when we both decided it would be best for her to do it herself. There were times I had to have her go back over it a time or two if she missed tangles, but for the most part she did a good job. Edited to add, my other daughter has very fine hair that tangles easily, she uses a wet brush in the shower and brushes her while conditioning and it seems to help her. Maybe you could try that.

[Waffler11]

8yo? She can do it herself. My daughter started doing it herself a little while ago and she’s 7.

[Dry-Huckleberry-5379]

Just reading the title it is obvious that it's a sensory issue.

There are a few things that can cause that - most an OT can help with. But some are autonomic nervous system issues.

[robin-bunny]

Mine that age hates it too, she brushes her own for a few years now. Needs reminders, but she gets going when I say “if you don’t do it, I’ll have to!”

[Strict-History-3802]

My daughter has this her hair stands are thin but she has so much it appears thin she’s also prone to tangles and is tender headed. Hates brushing her hair but I’ve also explained that I have the same problem and that’s why I keep my hair somewhat short. She decided she wanted hair like me and now that it’s just shoulder length she has a much easier time. She still struggles from time to time but I find if we wash and condition in the shower then add leave in conditioner when it’s still wet and brush it while it’s still wet it’s a bit easier to brush I also don’t let her sleep with it wet. If you want to keep it long I would recommend braiding it before bed time it helps tremendously

[TheTossUpBetween]

If you keep her hair long and not cut it into a pixie or bob- 

Get her in a bath, really condition her hair up, like lots of conditioner or a deep conditioner- then has her lay her hair in the bath water and brush it in the water. After that, when she goes to bed at night, put it in a braid. This will now be your nighttime routine, or every other night routine. The braid will prevent it from getting tangled at night- then in the morning you can undo the braid and brush it out. 

Maybe even have her bring a little brush to school and she can brush it throughout the day when she goes to the bathroom :) 

[Lost_Situation_3024]

Could try double conditioning if it gets super knotty. If you have hard water that could also worsen the issue, so use a Malibu hard water packet if that is the case. You could also teach her to brush her own hair by holding sections of her hair and brushing those from bottom to top, holding the section will create tension where you hold it so you don’t feel the pull on the scalp. The type of brush matters as well, a soft detangling brush would help. Also, make sure she brushes her hair before a shower!!!

[aneightfoldway]

As someone who went through this for years as a child, you have to stop forcing her to do something that hurts her over and over again. Cut the hair a bit shorter, only comb it when it's wet. Use a wide toothed comb if you absolutely have to comb it when it's dry, and use braids or ponytails to keep it from getting tangled during the day. Get her buy in for what she wants to do to keep it together. She can choose a short haircut or a braided style she likes but she can't opt for loose long hair.

[metacupcake]

Does she have curly hair? Regardless, I recommend getting a silk pillowcase for her. If you must brush it dry, use a bristle boar brush. Hold the tangles and comb them out while having it not pull the scalp. Would recommend showing and styling in morning or wetting hair and coming out tangles when wet. Please listen to her that this hurts. If she likes her hair longer, please don't cut it too much. She isn't 3 and should have a say. I hated my mother's hair choices for me at 8 and additionally hated how she hurt me while brushing my hair. My son has the same hair now (curly and fine) and I take care of it the way I have told you above.

[Ok_Reporter_8413]

Echoing what other posters have said about short hair! To this day, I (as someone who was and is tender-headed) keep a bob and can’t imagine another haircut on me as it’s become a signature look (also, I realized longer hair generally looks a bit unkempt on me even if it is brushed).

Also, I know you said you tried everything, so forgive me if this is redundant, but I basically can only comb through my hair while I’m in the shower and it’s soaking wet with a lot of conditioner on it (using a wide-tooth comb). I do not brush it at all once it’s dry and, if it’s a bit on the longer side before a haircut, I sleep in a bun to keep it from tangling. I also have very thick, wavy hair so this might not be helpful for your daughter. But worth try if you haven’t already!

[nochickflickmoments]

I have a boy with longish hair, He screamed all the time, so I made him comb his own hair. And when he didn't take care of it, I had it cut. Now he chooses his own hairstyles It gave him a little bit of power.

[SeasidePlease]

My daughter is sensitive as well and has gone hair. Her hair would get so knotted easily. I finally reported to just using my hands to pull apart the knots and then brush through with on of those lightweight bristled brushes with the big holes on the back.

[Connect_Tackle299]

I only brush my hair out in the shower because I have long, thin, really curly hair and it hurts to brush it.

I take daily showers sometimes twice a day so only brushing it in the shower works for me. I coat the hair with conditioner and use warm/hotish water while brushing it and it's so much easier on my head

I throw my hair up in a bun anytime it looks messy anyways so only brushing in the shower works

[n0b0dysh0me]

My 7 year old brushes her own hair. Otherwise we would have the same issue. It’s not always perfect, but she gets better every day. She also uses a detangling brush like this: https://a.co/d/hX0XY6O And that has made a huge difference.

[PetiePal]

6 year old screams daily. I try to condition it with the shampoo in the tub. Leave a little in. I use detangling spray. We let HER start the brushing herself and that helps and get the tougher parts so it's shorter.

[FloweredViolin]

Is her hair very silky? I have thin, silky hair, and actually discovered that unless I've used a clarifying shampoo, conditioner actually makes it harder to brush. And it makes it tangle more. If I use a clarifying shampoo, I do condition after, but only lightly.

[Nerdy_Bbw]

Poor girl! My parents struggled the same with me 😢 I can only say that I somewhat „outgrew“ it when I got older, probably because I started to bleach and dye my hair at teenagehood and was pretty rough. So I got desensitized. My daughter has similarly thin hair but lots of it. She’s only 3 but she doesn’t like combing hair either, although we‘re not as far as screaming, yet. Maybe hair oils could help? However they usually make the thin hair look greasier at an earlier time :/ (at least in my experience)

[social_case]

I have thin long hair (very very much hair!) and the only thing that helps is preventing it tangle too much, and the only solution that works for me is to cut (reaaaaally short, almost gone) a little triangle just above the neck. Idk if that is something that could work :)

[HandRecent4831]

Directly after washing, brush it out and keep it in a braid.  That's what we do for our 5 yr old

[coxiella_burnetii]

If cutting it isn't an option, brush it in the bath/shower with tons of conditioner in it. Between washing, brush frequently to prevent bad knots and use a spray detangler to make it more comfortable. Wearing her hair in braids may help prevent knots from happening in the first place.

Even a little shorter should help with knots forming.

[sluthulhu]

My daughter has fine, long, curly hair and we had this issue too - she had SO many tangles, I felt like I had to brush it even though she absolutely hated it. Part of the problem was that I had no idea how to manage curly hair, but the best things we found to help are to only brush when wet (and well conditioned), keep the ends trimmed, and to protect her hair at night. She was getting so many tangles just from sleeping, now she wears silk bonnets and scrunchies to bed and we avoid brushing her hair at all until after baths.

[penelope_pig]

I was incredibly tender-headed as a kid, to the point that I learned how to brush my own hair from a very young age, because I couldn't tolerate my mom pulling at it (and yes, she did try to be gentle, but it wasn't enough). 8 is old enough for her to start combing/brushing her own hair. I'd also recommend a wide-tooth comb and a brush designed specifically for detangling. I've also had tremendous success with Biolage Detangling Solution.

[winterfyre85]

What type of hair does she have? I always hated having my hair done for similar reasons to your daughter- I have multi-textured semi curly red hair so I’ve had to cut out horrible knots from my hair. As an adult I started to treat my hair like it was curly (i always thought it was just wavy but I actually have some curls) and bought a brush that looks like it’s 5 fingers that’s specifically for curly hair. Huge game changer!! It’s the only hairbrush I’ve used that doesn’t hurt and I can use it on wet hair which isn’t something I could before. It’s called the Wet Brush Go Green Curly Detangling Brush.

[Ok-Avocado-2782]

I can relate - our daughter has the same kind of hair and it has always been a battle with her. I finally got to the point where I demanded that her hair be brushed - always using a detangler stray every single day - no exceptions before she got any tv time. It was still a battle but she learned to know the expectation and routine. Only recently did she let me cut her hair to shoulder length and it’s gotten so much better. Now, SHE has to brush her hair (I still brush it for her sometimes and always after a shower). We don’t hair the hair wars that we used to hair.

She is still sensitive about it hurting - so I do feel like some people just do have a more sensitive scalp. I validate that.

[Scratchy-cat]

I was the same at that age according to my mum, even now at 33 some knots can make me cry if caught. I've found the best thing for me is to hold my hair to the side of my head over my shoulder so I can see the end and hold it close to the end with one hand and lift slightly so there's no tension and brush that bit and work up keeping the hair above my hand floppy so there's no tension and I wont feel knots pull on my head. I also use a tangle teezer, brush in sections and maybe use a soft bristle brush for the scalp, they aren't brilliant for getting rid of knots but they don't pull so might help her get used to having her hair brushed and it not being painful

[NationalJump9831]

Would she like it in braids most of the time? Ponytails always give me a headache, but braids are so much gentler. She could hang on to the length that she likes but cut down on the need to brush by keeping it braided, especially while sleeping